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Everybody’s got the right to be different, even though at times they go to extremes.

It should come to no surprise to anyone who’s a regular reader of my blog that I’m one sick and twisted individual. NO I don’t perform kitten-murder. But I am obsessed obsessed OBSESSED with serial killings.

That sounds horrible. My dad says I’m not allowed to tell people that because I’ll be locked up by the FBI.

Let me clarify. I’m not obsessed with them like, I want to PERFORM them, or hang out with someone who IS performing them, or I think there should be MORE of them. I’d be more than happy for there to be none. I’d happily deal with a life where there are no serial killings for me to obsess over, that’d be ok. Because they’re distressing. But I find the whole psychology behind a serial killer fascinating. It’s one of the reasons I like Criminal Minds so much. Well, that and Spencer Reid. And also the acting is wonderful and I want to be Kirsten Vangsness.

I pretty much like all the blood and gore and all that craziness. But not torture porn. Listen, those Saw movies are the worst. And that Hostel movie? ZOMG NO. I watched it because I want to lick Eli Roth like a popsicle, especially after Inglorious Basterds, and NO NO NEVER AGAIN. I don’t need to see nonsense like that. Someone’s EYE was out of the SOCKET and on their CHEEK. Like, hanging out and bobbling along. I almost threw up on Dumbcat. I spent most of the movie covering my eyes and saying “no no no no no EW no no no no WTF WHY no no no STOP THAT RIGHT NOW ELI ROTH YOU SICKO.”

But murders? Yep. I do like a good murder.

And what else do I love? MUSICALS.

What do you get when you put the two together? MY FAVORITE THING EVER.

Now, I think I’ve mentioned this, like, until your ears fall off, but my favorite musical of all time is Assassins. It is the perfect musical. It has it ALL. Music and lyrics are by Stephen Sondheim, who makes me spin around in my chair with glee. There is MURDER. There is HISTORY. There is DRAMA. There is ROMANCE. There are CRAZY PEOPLE. There is nothing at all wrong with this musical. I have seen it live three official times, and have listened to the CDs so much I’ve worn them out and had to re-purchase. I KNOW. It’s my roadtrip music. So someday if you roadtrip with me, you will be listening to Assassins. Won’t that be fun? Sure. Sure it will. IT WILL.

Assassins is about all the presidential assassins in the United States, from John Wilkes Booth to the attempted assassinations of Ronald Reagan. It’s this weird construct where they’re all hanging out and interacting, and then each of them have a story and a song, and it all culminates in the Texas School Book Depository, where John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald have a talk about responsibility and duty and making a name for oneself in the world. It’s grand and it’s majestic and it makes excellent points and it is just about perfection. ALSO, it stars the character of Squeaky Fromme, one of my most favorite crazy people. One of my favorite theater groups is putting it on this season, and I can’t say I’m not the most excited. Because that would be a LIE.

The original musical starred Victor Garber and Terrance Mann and Annie Golden and Greg Germann and a lot of other excellent people. The recent revival (SIGH that I missed this) starred Neil Patrick Harris, Denis O’Hare, and Mario Cantone, again with a lot of other excellent people. Both albums are worth buying because the music is wonderful and different on both, although the same basic bones are there.

There aren’t many clips online, but here’s one of the finale number, “Everybody’s Got the Right,” from the 2004 Tony Awards:

Aw, look at adorable NPH! I really hope he realizes we can be BFFs soon. We’re wasting a lot of time, here. Neither of us are getting any younger.

So, a while ago, my most wonderful friend Patrick and I were discussing our mutual love of Assassins, and he mentioned that Carrie the Musical was FINALLY GETTING A REVIVAL. Now THIS was exciting. Another combination of things I love: death, Stephen King, and musicals.

It’s closing in a couple of weeks, but here’s the website. Doesn’t this look EXCITING? Also, I like that the music is by Michael Gore. Michael GORE, you guys. For a musical about BLOODINESS. That couldn’t be a better name for the person to write the music for this if he made one UP.

The musical seems, other than a few minor differences, to be very similar to the book. I would like to see this very much. DO YOU HEAR ME, LOCAL THEATER GROUPS? VERY DAMN MUCH.

I found a video of the pig’s-blood-dumping scene on YouTube and I’d post it but A., what kind of jackass films something all illegally in a theater? RUDE and B. they filmed it WITH SOMEONE’S HEAD IN THE WAY. So not ONLY did you do something ILLEGAL, you did it HALF-ASSED. I’m not posting that. YES I watched it, shut up. It’s the closest I’ll ever come, probably, to my dream show of CARRIE THE MUSICAL.

Then Patrick, because he is AWESOME, said, “oh, there are other killer musicals” and sent me A WHOLE LIST of them. I know, right? You WISH you had friends that would send you lists of killer musicals.

So, we have the Silence of the Lambs musical! It is called Silence! The Musical. It seems to be a parody, so that can’t be fun or good. Look what the website says: “This laugh-out-loud naughty satire features a singing chorus of floppy eared lambs narrating the action as Buffalo Bill gleefully dances a hoedown while kidnapping hapless Catherine Martin. Even Dr. Lecter, scary as ever, sings about the life he’d like to lead someday outside the prison walls.”

Oh, that’s a shame. Really? I don’t know about that. Are the lambs puppets? There’s a HOEDOWN? I kind of don’t mind the idea of a hoedown. I mean, who does. A good hoedown is kind of awesomesauce. But I think this whole thing might be ill-advised. Let’s move on, shall we?

There of course is Sweeney Todd, which is another Sondheim musical. You all know Sweeney Todd. We’ve discussed this. Johnny Depp was in the movie. Murderous barber? Heart set on revenge? Slits people’s throats as he’s supposed to be shaving them, and then he and Mrs. Lovett cook them into meat pies, which they then serve to unsuspecting patrons of her meat pie establishment? It is AWESOME. Also, the song “Have a Little Priest” is one of the best songs ever. It’s about who they should murder and cook and serve. One of the lines is “The trouble with poet is how do you know it’s deceased? Try the priest.” COME ON. That is SO FUNNY and CLEVER. Look at that rhyme scheme! It makes you absolutely salivate.

Then there is Theatre of Blood. This apparently was a British production, based on a Vincent Price film, that never got off the ground. Here’s the description from IMDb of the movie: A serial killer stalks London, targeting theater critics who he kills in methods inspired by Shakespeare plays. The police grow to suspect the killer is Edward Lionheart, an egotistical actor who leaped to his presumed death after being denied an important award, mainly due to his refusing to appear in any play not written by Shakespeare. The remaining critics and the police find themselves helpless to stop Lionheart’s increasingly baroque revenge, though they contact his daughter in a desperate attempt to find something they can use against him. Everything builds to a reenactment of King Lear in which Lionheart will succeed or die once and for all.

Shit, I would watch that. That sounds like it has a LOT going ON. Also, there’s Shakespeare. It all sounds very meta. I’m in.

There’s totally a song called “Pie.” Oh, snap! You can LISTEN to it! YOU GUYS. It is a LOVE SONG TO PIE. By someone who sounds like they have the fake French accent from The Little Mermaid of the song “Les Poissons!” THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER. Seriously, click on that. CLICK ON IT.

Then, of course: Jeffrey Dahmer Live, the infamous musical that adorable guy took that internet douche girl from Gizmodo to and she blasted him all over the internet for it that time. The musical that, if someone took ME to it, it’d be like GUARANTEED third base, at LEAST. It’s not playing anymore but maybe someday someone will think it’s a good idea to take this shit on tour, I can only hope. I mean, LOOK. Here’s Jeffrey Dahmer SINGING INTO A CLEAVER. While WEARING PRISON GARB. I mean, don’t ask how he got a cleaver in prison, because that’ll hurt your brain, probably, but you can’t deny this is pretty awesome.

Then I found out Duncan Sheik – the brilliant mind behind my favorite recent musical, Spring Awakening – is doing a musical version of American Psycho. DUNCAN EFFING SHEIK. It seems to be still in the early stages? But if it’s anything like Spring Awakening, which was just so mind-blowingly amazing that I was bouncing in my theater seat and ran out IMMEDIATELY and bought the cast recording and have listened to it so many times I know all the songs backward and forward now – I’ll totally be excited to see this.

But then. THEN. Are you ready for the possibly both best AND worst of them ALL? Patrick found this for me. He’s the best. He might have the best killer musical Google-fu.

Lonely Heart the Musical.

This is possibly only in New Zealand and is based on the honeymoon killers, who I didn’t know about (I KNOW! And here’s me loving crazies and serial killers!) until I started reading up on this.

Apparently, this sad woman wrote to this Lonely Heart column in the paper, and their job was to match people up and they’d start this correspondence and maybe fall in love. It was internet dating, pre-internet, in other words, only people were VERY embarrassed about it. So they matched her up with this guy. Only problem was, the two of them were INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE, you guys. She was a looney tune and he had been traveling the country for years scamming other lonely-heart ladies. It was only a matter of time before she moved across the country and in with him, and they started this two-person grifting scheme where they’d pretend to be brother and sister, and he’d marry other women and scam them. Only she’d get totally jealous when he would have sex with his new wives. SO THEY STARTED MURDERING THEM.

There are some awesome quotes in that True Crime link up there. Martha, the woman: “By the age of 10, she possessed a woman’s body and the sexual drive of an adult.” BY THE AGE OF TEN. I don’t know if this is a thing. I think someone made this up. Also, the man thought he was a voodoo king and could use his powers to make woman do his bidding, apparently. “After Fernandez built up enough anticipation in Martha and he performed the necessary voodoo ritual, he decided that the time had come for the meeting.”

Other awesome quotes:

“This was a major stumbling block in his career of theft and deception.” (I just like how this is worded. It makes me laugh.)

“But in their haste, they made a pivotal error. Janet did not own a typewriter and couldn’t type.” (DUN DUN DUNNNN! They wrote a suicide note from someone who DIDN’T TYPE or HAVE A TYPEWRITER IN HER HOUSE. Um.)

‘”The electric chair scares me!” Martha said.’ (Yeah. Yeah, it’s a little daunting, Martha. You know what else is? BEING MURDERED BY YOUR NEW HUSBAND AND HIS “SISTER.”)

“The papers called her “fat,” “simpering,” “Big Martha,” “a 200 lb. figure of wrath,” “the giggling divorcee,” “unattractive,” “a weird woman,” and other humiliating terms.” (My favorite of these is “a weird woman.” I’m totally a weird woman. I also like “a 200 lb. FIGURE OF WRATH.”)

There have been a couple of movies based on this story. Guess who played this short, kind of dumpy, sad, and lonely murderess in one of them. Guess. No, guess. Wait, I’ll show you.

Yep. I knew you’d guess it, because it’s so obvious. Horrendously ugly, fat, lonely Selma Hayek. TOTALLY BELIEVABLE CASTING!

So in this musical, which even *I* don’t think is probably a very good idea, and listen, my standards on killer musicals are LOW LOW LOW, I’d watch Dahmer singing into a CLEAVER, has closed now. The reviews I read were actually quite good. So maybe it was alright? I mean, who would have thought a musical with all of the presidential assassins would end up the favorite musical of ALL TIME of this crazy-eyed blogger when she was just a wee little thing singing along with Bert and Ernie and Snuffleupagus? Not me, that’s for sure. So, yes, I’d watch the Lonely Heart musical. FINE. If you INSIST. (On a personal note, it seems like one of those grassroots theater efforts, like, the writers worked really hard to get it off the ground, and people all pitched in, and I love to see that. So congratulations, all.)

So what did we learn today?

MURDEROUS MUSICALS ARE AWESOME.

Amy’s pretty twisted when it comes to her entertainment choices.

Hostel is not something anyone should watch EVER. *shudder*

Not all weird women murder people. Some just WRITE about it.

And Carrie the Musical needs to go on tour IMMEDIATELY.

Here is a picture of NPH all bloody in Assassins to end on a good note. I know that might not be a good note for most of you, but for me? UTTER PERFECTION.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

36 responses to “Everybody’s got the right to be different, even though at times they go to extremes.

  • sj

    It’s not a musical, but if you haven’t seen it I highly recommend The Green Butchers. It’s a darkly funny Danish film. Many killings! (Unwitting) Cannibalism!

    Like

  • blogginglily

    Every musical I’ve ever seen I was dragged to kicking and screaming. It doesn’t matter how cool the premise. . . they burst into song. . . wtf??

    Like

  • Bronwyn

    currently my favourite musical is “Evil Dead: The Musical”. can’t go wrong with any musical that features a song called “Ode to an Accidental Stabbing”

    :D

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Don’t even get me started on road trip music! We’ll just fall out and end up sitting sulking in opposite corners.

    Also: you know my move to Finland? It’ll be done by car. Three days of it. And guess what burned to a plastic crispy bake? Yes, that’s right: all my CD’s. *grumble*

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Andreas! I tweeted you but you don’t have internet after work, boo.

      I AM SO UPSET ABOUT THIS CD SITUATION. I totally want to make you road trip CDs. DM or email me an address where I can send them. I promise it’ll be fun happy music you’ll enjoy. Well, sure, maybe SOME of it won’t. But you can just skip those tracks. And you can discover new bands! And I’ll make it all happy road-trippy music. No musicals if you don’t want them. Promise.

      I MIGHT even have some Depeche Mode somewhere. (Wasn’t that the band you were obsessed with? I forget such things.)

      I also had no idea you were driving to Finland! Fun! Fun, right?

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        It might be a fun trip. I’m dropping off Fiancée and baby girl at Heathrow to let them fly over to Scandinavia with the cat, and then I’m on my own. #On the road again#

        It turns out the CD situation might not be as dire as I thought: turns out Windows Media Player can make new CD’s out of the mp3’s on my phone, so I should be able to cut a bunch of CD’s for the trip. Fingers crossed!

        But I’d LOVE to get some of your music for the trip! If you don’t want to send physical CD’s perhaps we could transfer the files somehow?

        Like

  • Laura Darkstar (@MsCreatrix)

    I was totally enthralled with this blog post until we got to musicals because musicals are not my favorite thing but serial killer musicals? Well shoot, I am torn…

    And then I read some more and got distracted by Selma’s bodacious ta-tas..I mean, I am totally not into women but…wowzers!

    I’d offer to make Andreas mix cd’s but I am pretty sure that pretty much no one on the planet shares my musical taste and if they ever start profiling people based on what you listen to on, say, Spotify? I’m gonna end up in prison. And not minimum security prison, either.

    It used to drive the Wasband to distraction because i read serial killer books in bed. For some reason, that caused him to not sleep well. Silly Wasband. Killing him wouldn’t have been as fun… (yeah, I just screwed myself out of any proposals from any guys who read your blog…oops!)

    We will have to compare books we’ve read..!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I know, isn’t Salma gorgeous? I just love her.

      I like true crime novels but I can’t read too many or read them too often because they make me nervous and I start thinking everyone’s a serial killer. I read the one about the BTK killer and I was CONVINCED this guy I worked with was secretly a BTK-style killer but really he was just weird.

      Musicals are the BEST! I think you all have just not seen the right musicals. Don’t watch the silly old ones. Watch recent ones. They’re better.

      Like

  • lahikmajoe

    There’s so much here to comment on, which is actually quite normal here.

    *sighs*

    Wow, Salma Hayek’s been eating well, huh? Unlike Laura, I’m into women. And she’s a lot of women right there.

    Since I left America, there’s been a career resurgence by Doogie Hauser. I’ve heard so much about the precocious little doctor growing up and becoming very accomplished.

    Whatever Doogie.

    You know, I’ve played in the pit of quite a few musicals. Some are really, really bad. Like anything, there are some exceptional specimens of musical theatre. In my experience, they are not the rule.

    I’ve heard of or know a bit about the ones you mention here (and elsewhere), and you’re clearly picking the winners…if there is such a thing. I love a good melody. And wordplay. There is that. I’m willing to admit melodies and wordplay are definitely bettering us as a culture.

    Of course when a culture is this far down, I’m not sure how much wordplay we’re going to need.

    *hums a nice melody*

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aw, poor, beleaguered Ken. Here, have a cookie. There, do you feel better? After all that exhausting commenting?

      (Thank you for all your exhausting commenting. I look forward to it every day.)

      I’m going to assume that was one of the “just had a baby” Salma Hayek photos. Otherwise, she’s gotten a lot bustier than I remember. Isn’t she just stunning? I do so love Salma Hayek.

      You’re not allowed to dis Neil Patrick Harris, because he is WONDERFUL. Please tell me you’ve seen “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.” I’m guessing you haven’t. Next: please see “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.” (Also, and I know it’s probably something you’d avoid like the plague? But he is HYSTERICAL in “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.” I laughed until I was hoarse. And I hate movies like that.) Also, he’s intelligent, well-spoken, and humorous, on top of being talented. I couldn’t love him more. OH! And he did a very, very funny episode of “Saturday Night Live” a few years ago. Wait, I’ll find the best clip ever.

      (This made me laugh SO HARD.)

      I probably shouldn’t be surprised you played the pit in musicals, but that made me so happy. Do you know, I have no idea what you even play. Fix that, please.

      Yes, there are a lot of mediocre-to-bad musicals. There are also a lot of wonderful ones. I try not to waste too much time on the bad ones.

      If you like wordplay, you would like Sondheim, if you’re not already a fan of his. He’s the master of it. He’s recently published two volumes of his lyrics, with his hand-written notes, and thought processes behind writing – they’re just fascinating reads.

      Do you really think culture is this far down? Yes, there is a lot of badness. But, so much beauty and joy, too, don’t you think? I like to concentrate on that.

      Like

  • kitchenmudge

    I’m sorry it’s not serial; just one little murder. One awful, grisly, unsolved murder, but your task is before you, Amy. You must write and produce a musical about the Black Dahlia. An old reporter for the LA Times recently came up with the most plausible suspect anyone has heard of in decades:
    http://www.lmharnisch.com
    … but since it’s unsolved and there are many theories, you can make the story go just about wherever you want it to go. Imagine LA in the late 1940s: the epitome of a noir setting. A victim who’s a bit of a scammer, but not a very good one, ruthless reporters who don’t mind destroying evidence to get a scoop, and completely incompetent police. It screams for your talents.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I love the Black Dahlia story so much. I’ve read a few books about it. I could never write a musical, though. I don’t know anything about music, and I’m not talented, story-wise (well, other than sarcastic stories about world-travelling bon vivants, but those don’t count as musicals. Although the story of Ken could TOTALLY be a musical.)

      I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we get Black Dahlia: The Musical. Heaven help us all.

      Like

  • MJ, Nonstepmom

    Cant believe I found this post- I’m the only one I know that liked Sweeney Todd and thinks “Dexter” should be the next Marvel superhero. Loved this !

    Like

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