I was so hoping I’d have enough questions this month to do another one of these, because I had such fun with it last month. But I did NOT want to count my chickens. NO CHICKEN COUNTING. Ooh, I totally have a chicken story. One time, when I worked at the animal shelter, someone dropped off some chickens that they couldn’t take care of anymore? And one was the BEST chicken. It was such a pretty brownish red and so friendly. It wanted to be my pet. So I kept that chicken at the front desk with me all day. It let me hold it, and it was snuggly, and when I had to work it would sit quietly on the desk and make little buck-buck noises under its breath like it was waiting for me to get done so we could have more quality hang time. I loved that chicken. Then the farm animal rescue lady came so I had to give her the chicken but I totally wanted to adopt it and bring it home. It would have been the best pet ever, no joke.
So, in case you don’t remember, last month, because the search terms post was insanely long, I broke it up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. Because I love to give advice and answer questions. LOVE IT. Recently, Handflapper told me I should be the next Dr. Phil. I don’t think that would be a good idea, because I’d make people cry too much. Most of my advice is very, “Um, you think THAT’S a good idea? Really? Are you SURE? Because that’s just about the stupidest. Sorry. It totally is, though. I mean, did you even think that THROUGH? Have you been tested for mental issues? Maybe you have a brain tumor that makes you make very stupid decisions. You should go see Dr. Oz. I’m assured he’s a real doctor, although I find him too grinny and toothy to be trustworthy.”
So, yet again!
Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.
Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!
These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And I can answer these questions! I totally can! I mean, I love to be helpful, no joke. I AM HELPFUL.
is “status shuffle” “funny” No. No, it’s not. Not even a little bit. Listen, I’ll tell you a story. OH. For those of you who don’t know – Status Shuffle is this HORRIBLE app people use on Facebook that posts “humorous” statuses for you that they write. Things like, “Cleaning the house is mind over matter. I don’t mind so it doesn’t matter!” Only usually they’re less grammatically-correct (and funny) than that. Here’s the story. I have a family member who will remain nameless and ALSO I will not tell you all how we are related although if anyone in my family is reading this (doubtful – my family doesn’t seem to care much for this here blogging thing) and they’re friends with her on Facebook they’ll know who I’m talking about because she’s the only one who uses Status Shuffle. And she uses it once a day, usually in the evenings. And I see her status updates and I just want to scream. Because – ready for this? SHE IS ONE OF THE MOST GENUINELY HILARIOUS PEOPLE I KNOW. If I’m around her, I’m in stitches. She can take a story – well, you know how you all seem to find my stories awesome? Her stories are mine on laughing gas, seriously. She’s got this hilarious dry wit without even TRYING. And it’s INTELLIGENT wit. It’s one of those senses of humor that’s so intelligent you catch the nuances of it days LATER and it cracks you up. So why the HELL is she using some pre-fab status shuffle nonsense when anything she SAYS is funnier than anything I could say on a good day, and I have a whole BLOG where I try to be funny? It’s a total mystery to me. Don’t use this. If you can’t be funny on your own, don’t be funny on Facebook. It’s that simple. Maybe you’re not the funny one on Facebook? Is that such an awful thing to contemplate? You can’t ALL be the funny ones on Facebook, now can you? I mean, some people have to post earnest pleas for reposts about cancer and such. Or it wouldn’t be Facebook. Leave the funny to the professionals or you could put your eye out, kid. You’re welcome. DON’T USE STATUS SHUFFLE.
are there any birds that actually make a tweet tweet call This is an interesting question, and I honestly have no idea, or any idea how to go about finding this out for you. I’m not a bird person. I have no interest in birds. Except of course penguins. And kookaburras. And that one chicken I mentioned up there. Otherwise, I find them messy and pecky, and their feet are kind of scaly. I mean, I’m not FREAKED OUT by birds or anything. I’m not SCARED of them. I just don’t care about them all that much. I had pet birds a couple times in my life and I found them utterly useless. They were messy and loud and you couldn’t cuddle them and they never greeted you by knocking over your lamp and falling off the back of your couch with excitement like Dumbcat did when I came home the other night. If your pet isn’t excited enough to break your household goods and inflict bodily harm upon itself in its joy to see you, then probably it doesn’t care about you at all, and who wants THAT pet? Well, I guess some people, but not me. I’m lavish with my love and I want a pet who is similarly inclined. You’re welcome. I was singularly unhelpful, but you’re welcome.
anyone else hate breakfast at tiffany’s Yep. Lots of people. I mean, more people LOVE it than HATE it, but yeah, you’re not alone, my little gummi bear. Don’t fret. There’s a lot to hate about that shit. YOU ARE NOT ALLLOOOONEEEEEE. You’re welcome!
did hermie the elf think he had big ears? If he did, he never mentioned that particular hangup, that I can remember. He was all “I’m a MISFIT” and “I don’t want to make TOYS I want to be a DENTIST” but I don’t think he was ever ears-obsessed. Why are you worried about this? Do you think you have big ears? Is this a thing you have that you project onto puppets? This is all very curious to me. You’re welcome. Don’t be sad about your ears. I’m sure they’re fine.
does anyone in califorina sell roscato wine Where’s califorina? It sounds very exotic, like possibly an island where they have many tropical plants and diseases. I’d think you’d have to get it shipped there special. Probably there are no wine stores in califorina. Probably instead, they drink liquor distilled from the root of one of their native plants. And have contests of skill and strength, and the loser has to sacrifice himself to the bird-headed goddess. You’re welcome. Be sure to get your shots before leaving Merka.
dose lucy play stripoker Am I the Lucy in this scenario? And dose = does, I assume? I’m going to go with yes on both of these questions. And the answer is, NO. But if Lucy DID play strip poker, or, in your affected spelling situation you’ve got going on here, “stripoker,” which I assume would be pronounced “str-ih-puh-kr,” very quickly or it loses its funny, kind of like you would say the word “sepulchre,” she would WIN ALL THE HANDS, and you would be sitting there all bucky-ass naked, while she was completely clothed. Because Lucy RULES at poker and learned in college how to play and also loves it. Then you’d be all, “Hey, baby, look at me all nakey-naked! Wonder what we could do right now, seems such a shame to waste all this luscious nakedness!” and Lucy would laugh at you and tell you that a., she owns your clothes now, so go walk home naked, Peepshow Pat, and b., she’s totally hip to the ways of Sneaky Fuckerism, and refuses to sully her beloved card game by having sex with a moron. That’s how I imagine that would go. Further questions, spelling whiz? No? AWESOME. You are WELCOME.
great question to ask ceo of dunkin donuts Are you MEETING Mister Fancy-Pants Nigel Travis? AWESOME. Hmm. I’d ask him a few questions. ONE. Why do the drive-through workers act like I murdered a puppy when I ask for decaf? TWO. Why did the drive-through worker not give me a straw the other day with my iced coffee as if he expected me to drink it by sucking it through the straw-hole with my mouth like I was a lamprey? THREE. Why when I ask for all the Splenda are they so damn stingy with the Splenda? Is there a Splenda shortage I’m unaware of? FOUR. Is the hot hipster who works at the one closest to my office single and would he mind if I licked him to see if he tasted like doughnuts or just like hipster? I have a bet going with myself. FIVE. One of my friends went there the other day and there was a huge tray of bacon just sitting on the counter and no one was attending it. She wanted to take some and didn’t. If she had, would she have been arrested, or would it have been totally justified since who can resist a whole tray of delicious bacony bacon just SITTING there? SIX. In the commercials for the “Angus Steak Breakfast Sandwich,” the “Angus Beef” looks like a mangled hamburger. Are you serving a hamburger and egg sandwich at Dunkin’ Donuts, and, if so, did someone advise you this was a good idea? Followup question: will you be firing that advisor soon? Because he or she is just the WORST. You are WELCOME. Tell Nigel I say hi and that so many people search my blog for his home phone number every month it’s cuckoo-bananas.
guidelines and tips directing a one act play Wow! This…actually is something I could be helpful with! But that would be a serious post, and take longer than I have. So I’ll tell you what NOT to do. Don’t treat your tech crew like garbage; remember, they’re lighting your show, and if you piss them off, there tend to be more “electrical problems” on nights when you really want the show to go well. Don’t yell at your actors; their egos are so much better served with honey than vinegar. Don’t leave garbage around the theater so the theater board of directors has to clean it up. WE HATE THAT. Don’t rely on the costumes or the props or the set to carry your show; the audience is smart and knows bad acting and directing when they see it. And, above all else: don’t demand a ton of money from the town when you go over budget. It doesn’t end well, as you can see.
You’re welcome! Have fun at the thea-ay-tah!
hey girl can i zap dem pants off pokemon I don’t know what this means. Is this a thing? Can you zap pants off Pokemon? Well, that would certainly explain why all the people were so interested in Pokemon when it came out. It was actually PORN. Am I always the last person to know about these things? Ugh, even the NAME is dirty. POKEMON. I need a nap and a cookie. You’re welcome and also filthy.
how big is channing tatum’s neck? SO EFFING BIG. Measure your head, add ten inches, and that’s his NECK. I KNOW. I don’t know what’s happening there, either. What do you mean, that sounds like I made it up. I assure you I did total scientific research to come up with those figures. WHAT I TOTALLY DID. Man you’re rude. You’re welcome, I guess. But stop insulting my total awesomeness.
how to open a bottle of roscato wine This one makes me laugh. Ready? IT’S A SCREW TOP. It’s like a $10 bottle of wine, my magic wine. Otherwise, I couldn’t afford so much of the damn stuff. It’s a SCREW TOP. You TURN IT to open it. You’re welcome, Easily-Confused McGurk.
how you know you’re cat is trying to kill you First, he replaces all your “your”s with “you’re”. OH SHIT YOU ARE IN TROUBLE RUN! RUN! You’re welcome – what are you still DOING here? RUN!
is the book hunger games like the book read in schools 50 or so years agp in school about a town having a stoning This made me so happy I squiggled in my seat a little before answering. OK, the book you’re referring to is, I assume, Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery. I hope it wasn’t read ONLY fifty years ago. I hope it’s still being read now. It’s amazing, and the lesson plans that can be built around it are wonderful. But as for comparisons between the two – well, they can be made, I suppose. Sacrifice. Loss. Mob mentality. Good of all versus good of the individual. Yes, there are similarities. But there are many differences. They’re both very good works; I vote read them both. You are welcome, most sincerely. I certainly hope I didn’t do someone’s homework for them right there. I couldn’t help myself, though.
responses to say when someone asks you if you are cool I came up with five for you. I hope that’s enough. 1. “No, I’m actually a little warm. Can we bump down the AC a few more degrees?” 2. “If by ‘cool’ you mean, ‘am I going to rat you out to Principal Williams for all that weed in your locker,’ yeah, yeah, I’m cool. Mostly because I just don’t give a shit. Get baked off your ass repeatedly. I’m going to need someone to serve me my McNuggets when I’m a success, you know?” 3. “No, I’m burning up. I think that thing that bit me might have been a rattlesnake. THEY’RE COMING FOR ME MOMMA!” 4. “Yes. So cool that I actually use the word ‘chilly’ to describe my coolness. Since you used the word ‘cool’ I know you’re actually NOT cool, therefore, you’re wasting my time. Back off, mouthbreather.” 5. “Yep, totally, daddy-o. Slip me some skin!” (Your results may vary when using these responses. Judge your audience appropriately. You’re welcome!)
what does “a real bearcat” mean? I would assume the opposite of “a false bearcat” or “someone dressed as a bearcat” or “a real non-bearcat” or “a real thing that might be a bearcat or maybe a skunk, I didn’t wear my glasses today so I’m not sure, wait ’til it gets closer, then I’ll tell you?” You’re welcome? Your question is confusing.
what does a football look like in real life like totally Like, totally? TOTALLY, totally? Like, totally like this, dude.
Like, whoa! Totally. Totally? Totally. You’re welcome. Knibb High Football Rules!
what happended to the aroma of dunkin donuts coffee Shit, what did happended to it, I wonderded? Did something happen to it? I always get iced coffee, which has very little aroma. I don’t know. Someone else has to answer this for me. HAS SOME GREMLIN SNUCK INTO DUNKIN’ DONUTS AND STOLEN THE GOOD WHIFFS? Please report back. Thanks ever so. You’re welcome, as soon as my minions do their job!
what might make a kokaburra laugh I’m just going to take a guess, but probably not getting en0ugh sleep, then reading Ken’s tweets about how much he hates Game of Thrones. Just a guess. You’re welcome! (Also, that’s not how you spell kookaburra. You are aware of that, right? Are you testing me? Because I’ll win, most of the time. You know that, right? OK, just checking.)
what movie has a redhead making out in a laundry room Ooh! Ooh! I totally KNOW this one! Well, maybe there are others. But the one that IMMEDIATELY comes to mind is Lucas, starring a lot of people before they became crazy drug addicts, like Charlie “Tiger Blood” Sheen and Corey Haim who used to be SO DAMN ADORABLE and then he got weird and then he died. Anyway, I TOTALLY wanted to be Kerri Green when I was young? Because she was a ginger, and she was adorable, and she was in Goonies and got to kiss my crush Sean Astin (even though that kiss was through trickery.) And in Lucas, she makes out with Charlie Sheen in a laundry room!
Also, Lucas used to make me cry ’til I was snotty. So much bullying in that movie, you guys, no joke. Then of course there was totally a Hollywood ending, and those don’t happen in real life, but whatever, that doesn’t sell many movies, now does it? You’re welcome, even though I think your question might have been a little pervy. NO PERVING ON BABY KERRI GREEN. She was my ginger ROLE model. Well, her, and Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables, of course.
And…finally…for the most important question of the day…
would you trust your busty wife? No. Probably not. Because a., I’m straight, so I’d be a little confused how I ended up WITH a wife, leading to a LOT of mistrust for this woman who allowed me to marry her under what are CERTAINLY tricksy circumstances, and b., if she was busty, you just KNOW she’s a WHOREBAG. Dude, are you effing kidding me with a search like this? Is this a perv search or a real-life someone is querying if he should trust his wife because she’s mammarially gifted? Either way, WEIRDO and ICK. You’re not even welcome. I’m not even telling you you’re welcome. Because you’re a gross grosserton.
There! Another month of solving the questions of the WHOLE INTERNET, one blog’s search page at a time. I don’t know about you, but I feel like a MILLION DOLLARS. I know, right? A whole million. Until next month, my little blueberries!