An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume Nine)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally: 

Well! Here we are in March, can you even imagine? I’m in tax season of business, you’re all…doing…whatever it is YOU’RE doing, and all’s well in the land, right? Right. Good. Great. Grand. Wonderful. Once again, I’ve taken my fine-tooth comb of awesome to your search terms that brought you here, and, ONCE AGAIN, they’ve left me, in turns, perplexed, in stitches, and skeeved out, or a combination of the above.   

This has been an exciting month: I made a fancy Facebook page for my blog, which you can all pop on over and like, because won’t that be good times? Sure it will! And then when you’re posting emo statuses I’ll pop up in your feed and you’ll be all, “OH THAT AMY WHAT A CARD” and that’ll make your day just a little brighter, and I like that. I also had a couple of big-reader days, mostly due to a post that I was petrified to post and gave me total acid reflux, but you were all completely amazing and I love you for your collective supportiveness and awesomeness. So I might have new readers. HI NEW READERS! Welcome to crazytown! It’s kind of like the mad tea party in Alice in Wonderland, only less dormice. I wish there were dormice. I’d like to see a dormouse. In case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post.  I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the ninth one. As you can tell from the title. Search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Eh, same reason I do most things. Makes me laugh. Keeps me entertained. Really the main reason I do everything that’s not work or sleep, really. And also, I LOVE to help people. I mean, poor lost searchers. Wait until you see some of these terms. THEY NEED HELP. 

The search terms this month were OVERALL less porny, but the ones that WERE porny were SO porny. Like, so porny I can’t post them. Come on, ew, you guys. Stop that right now. I don’t want to Silkwood shower my gray matter every time I look at my search terms. Why so icky? Stop. 

So ANYWAY, instead of addressing you all individually, which would take more time than I have and at some point I should try to get more than the 4 hours of sleep a night I’ve been running on lately, I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups.  NO, it’s not demeaning. It’s NICE. You’re in good COMPANY. SHEESH. Come on now. These are all people that are in the same lost boat as you. It’s like college orientation, only you’re less likely to get an STD. Well, SOME of you are. Some of you, based on your search terms, are CRAWLING with the clap. 

Category the First: NO YOU DO NOT 

i want somebody to love me like heathcliff 

Oh, BABE. NO. No you DON’T. I know, it SEEMS like a good idea? But you have read the book, right? He and Catherine were DYSFUNCTIONAL. They drove each other INSANE. He did things to purposely HURT her. I know. She was all he could think about. Sometimes, doesn’t that seem like just the best thing? IT ISN’T. I’m telling you, I had a Heathcliff. After you get over fifty calls in one day, most of them accusing you of being a whore, then every fourth or fifth call him sobbing, apologizing, and threatening suicide, the bloom’s off the damn ROSE, babe. I PROMISE. 

Category the Second: You’ll never find these things here 

“invitation to tickle”
blogs like sexyfawkes 

Tickling’s torture. I know, some people like this shit. SOME people also have FOOT fetishes. I can’t explain away all the weirdness in the world. There are no tickling invitations here. Go elsewhere, Tickly Tom, unless you want me to break your fingers like fireplace kindling. 

Ugh, you want MORE blogs like Sexyfawkes? I would think Sexyfawkes is more than enough. MORE than enough. Ugh. 

Category the Third: GO MERKA 

american sausage in my english mcmuffin 

I like to imagine this searcher SO MAD at getting FOREIGN SAUSAGE MEATS in his English McMuffin. Like, one day, there might be CHORIZO in there! And one day, CURRYWURST! And he’s all, finally, “ENOUGH!!!!!1!!” and sits down to Google to find out where, WHERE, he can find AMERICAN sausage for his English McMuffin. WHERE CAN HE FIND THIS. 

(I’m going to suggest McDonalds, my good man. Or woman, women can like sausage meats, too, I mean, look at me, they make up 3/4 of the protein in my diet. That sausage is totally Merkan. It’s as Merkan as apple pie and fireworks on the fourth of July and a growing sense of nagging ongoing worry at the direction the country is taking!) 

Category the Fourth: Sometimes search terms made me a sad panda 

breakfast at tiffany’s confused me  It did? Aw, babe. I’m sorry. Don’t think too hard about it. It’s not worth it, really it’s not. Here, I’ll sum it up for you. Two whorey humans fall in love and there’s a cat that they treat poorly. Also, there’s an Asian stereotype and a lot of really nice fashion. I’m sorry you’re confused. It’s ok. I feel that way when I watch Wipeout. 

games were u get to play games and talk to people  This seriously is the saddest. I hope you found your game, honey. I really do. 

marrying because your lonely  DON’T DO THAT. Ugh. Get a vibrator or something. This is a VERY bad idea. 

my mama told me that she would buy me a rubber dolly  And? Did she? Did you have the best time with it? I don’t really know what to say right now. 

Category the Fifth: Please phrase your answer in the form of a question. 

artistic directors theaters if they like your play they will get back to you  They WILL? OK, cool. That’s a cool thing to know. I like that you went on Google and just stated that shit. Nice. (Heads-up: yeah, they probably will. But the odds they will like your play are minimal, at best. They read a LOT of garbage.) 

apparently i’m hot  I AM SO GLAD FOR YOU! 

bearcat do smell like popcorn  YES THEY DO! 

i keep smelling bananas  SO DO I! But that’s because I have bananas in the kitchen. 

i like kookaburras because  Did you want Google to finish your own opinion for you? This might be the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. Is this a homework assignment, or are you just unaware of WHY you love kookaburras? I can tell you why I love them, but that’s not why YOU might love them. This makes me sad in my heart. No one should have to angst out over why they love an animal. 

Category the Sixth: Pervy Search Terms (danger Will Robinson, because, ew) 

back seat makeout pics
fucker skills
home porny
rectal thermometer porn sir john sir 

Like I said, I had more, but they were HARD CORE ICK this month. This is all that’s fit for publication. 

My favorite is the last one, because it’s so damn POLITE in the midst of the ick. “Sir yes sir porn SIR!” 

Also, I have to give a +1 for using the term “porny,” as it’s one of my favorite terms, just about ever. 

Category the Eighth: Curiouser and Curiouser 

simple person skydiving
black nailpolish skydiving  Simple as in everything amuses them or simple as in the village idiot or simple as in east-peasy-puddin’-and-pie? Also, did you want advice on what nailpolish color to wear while hurtling through the air to your doom? Whatever the case, skydiving scares the beejeebers out of me. 

accounts receiveable humor gun  This one’s boring until the gun part. Then it’s confusing and a little scary. 

an imaginary meeting with a person
invisible pink unicorn decal  Both of these are worrisome. An imaginary meeting with a person – did it only occur in your mind, or is the person imaginary, or what’s the haps? And if the decal’s invisible, how do you know the unicorn is pink? (UPDATE. Invisible Pink Unicorn is something from another site? I’m confused by you tonight, interwebs.)

blood thicker than water but its my wife  I…is this the beginning of something? I feel like I’m missing some important information. Did your wife kill your brother and you’re wondering where to place your loyalty? This is just weird. 

don’t tear the mask off the old London I think you got the lyric way wrong. 

football suckers and fuckers WHAT THE HELL? 

genius, it’s genius like genes in my dress  This made me laugh AND confused. DUAL PERFECTION! 

girl scout cookies crack without side effects  Oh, there are side effects. You’ll get the diabeetus. 

google search gayest person ever did you mean justin bieber  I don’t know whether or not to be offended by this. It’s too stupid to be offended by, right? 

i had sex susan hargous  OK, now look, I was all, “who’s that?” and I Googled it and it’s no one famous so either someone NAMED Susan Hargous had sex and then searched it or someone had sex WITH someone named Susan Hargous and then searched it but either way, Susan Hargous, I’m sorry. 

i saw big bird with the devil the crucible  OMG MUPPET THE CRUCIBLE. Who’s with me? 

When I Googled "Big Bird Devil," this came up. I rest my case.

ken yep stalker  Does Ken Yep HAVE a stalker? Or is Ken Yep (again, not a famous person) a stalker? Ugh, you people need to start being more specific, I’m so serious about this. Oh, shit, it just hit me that “Yep” may not be a last NAME, but an agreement: “Ken? Yep. Stalker” even though I did look it up and there ARE people NAMED Ken Yep. And, DOUBLE OH SHIT,  it MAY be telling me that I blog about poor Ken too much. KEN! DO I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY? Or there’s someone named Ken Yep who’s a stalker or stalkee. Either way. This has given me a lot to think about. I’m not GOING to, but I COULD. I have that option. I’m super-tired, though. Too much thinking isn’t good for my brain-area at the moment.

langoliers tattoo  I hope you’re planning on getting a tattoo of one of the images from the book, or maybe one of the lines, because that TV movie was a TOTAL STINKER. Unless you’re going to get Bronson Pinchot tattooed on your ass. That’s ok. 

Tattoo this on your ass. What? It's SEXY. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Category the Ninth: You sure do love the celebs 

Ben Wyatt (x4)
benedict cumberbatch (x8)
bill clinton don’t touch my cat
channing tatum neck
jason dohring gay
Spencer Reid (x10)
Zak Bagans (x17)

So you’re obsessed this month with Ben Wyatt (good call, but he’s mine), Benedict Cumberbatch (nice choice), Spencer Reid (can’t complain, but again, mine, and also Amanda’s) and Zak Bagans (he’s all yours, you big weird weirdos full of weirdsauce.) 

“Bill Clinton, don’t touch my cat” is the FUNNIEST THING EVER. When this popped up in my results a couple of weeks ago, I went around the house just saying it, like it was a new quote. I’d see Dumbcat and be all, “Bill Clinton, DON’T TOUCH MY CAT,” like I was sassy. Then I’d say it sad, and mad, and shocked. It’s just about my favorite. Mostly it just made Dumbcat confused. 

Is it ok if Bill touches his OWN cat? And, aw, look at young Bill Clinton. MAN it amazes me how quickly the presidency ages someone.

If Jason Dohring is gay, he’s doing an excellent job of hiding it from his wife and child. 

Channing Tatum’s neck is HUGE. I mean, you just can’t look away. It’s the train-wreck of neck-areas. 

Category the Tenth: That spelling post needs to be written, doesn’t it? 

alan rickman frases and my family
no but she totally what’s to 

At first I was all, “Alan Rickman!” and then I was all, “what’s frases?” and then I realized it was “phrases” and was sadface. How it is conncted to your family, I do not know. 

Alan Rickman is disappointed in your lack of spelling ability.

“No but she totally what’s to” was after one of the pornier porn searches (you can guess the context) and I assume she doesn’t “what” to unless you can spell the word “want,” WHICH HAS FOUR LETTERS AND IS OFTEN A CHILD’S THIRD OR FOURTH WORD, correctly. 

Category the Eleventh: You told me little stories! And jokes! 

girl 1: so i followed him home. girl 2: what? you’re now a stalker? girl 1: hey, that’s just where i walk.. it’s not my fault i was simultanously following him.

lucy is asked four different questions about her “homeland.” she reacts differently to each question. explain how she reacts differently to each question and why she seems to react that way.

when it comes to us meeting you don’t have to worry about me being gropey or inappropriate like i said i have never had a one night stand i have anxiety to and i could not sleep with someone who i was not 100% comfortable with. i wouldn’t even sleep with you on a first date if you came on to me. i even have a friend who recently told me we could sleep together no strings attached and she is cute but i can’t even do that because i worry about where she is and if it would be the right thing to do for her regardless of what she says. i have a huge conscience and try to avoid hurting people at all cost even if it means doing the right thing for them when they are willing to do the wrong thing. i can honestly say i am sure i am like no one you have ever met. i am nothing like the average guy and it actually makes me feel special when i am around them i here the gropey

OK, the first one is SUPPOSED to be a joke, but I think someone’s stalking someone and is trying to be funny about it. Also, you spelled “simultaneously” wrong.

The second one is obviously someone trying to get the interwebs to do their homework for them. But doesn’t it read like one of those psychopath riddles we talked about earlier in the week? If the answer is “the kid didn’t have legs” then YOU ARE A PSYCHOPATH.

The last one…ok, I am always completely confused when things like this pop up. YOU TYPED ALL OF THIS INTO THE TEENSY SEARCH BOX ON GOOGLE? And my blog came up? Because I just did it and my blog did NOT come up. I don’t know what the hell. “here the gropey” WHAT? Buddy, you have left my entire audience HANGING, here. And I don’t want to be mean, but this reads EXACTLY like what a Sneaky Fucker would say. I trust this paragraph about as far as I could throw Dumbcat. The answer being, NOT FAR. Cat’s a fatty. 

Category the Twelfth: Thank you for the laugh, because today has sucked a bag of dicks. 

80’s skanks  This is oddly specific. And probably a perv wrote it. But an oddly SPECIFIC perv. Awesome.

bitch stole my fish  This tied “Bill Clinton, don’t touch my cat” as awesome quote of search terms this month. I totally also went around the house saying, “Bitch stole my fish!” over and over. I LOVE THIS. (UPDATE: when I went to look for a funny picture for this, it’s apparently a meme, which makes it kind of less funny. You can look it up if you want. It’s lost its flava for me. SORRY FISH. I don’t know how it got a searcher HERE, though, as I literally learned about it as I was writing this.)

dinosaurs in cubicle  I hope you mean dinosaur toys, because real dinosaurs would be just the worst to work with. They would totally knock over the water cooler, and eat Peggy from Accounting.

don’t give a shit pie chart  I want this pie chart to happen. I’m too tired to make it right now, though. Someone should make me this pie chart.

glad that shit didn’t happen to me  I like to think that someone read my blog, wanted to find it again the next day, couldn’t remember anything about it, and typed this into Google, and my blog popped right up. I think a LOT of people are glad my shit doesn’t happen to them. Some days, I wish my shit wasn’t happening to me. Good search, sir or madam. Well played.

licking to gain personal space  If I wasn’t afraid of hoof and mouth disease I’d totally start licking to gain personal space. “Oh, so you’re all up in my face while telling me a story, huh? LICK. THAT made you back off quick, didn’t it, Close Talkin’ Sam!”

prank call youre gay  I’m sorry. Are you RECEIVING these calls, or MAKING them? I can’t even imagine what kind of call this would be. “Hello?” “Yes, is this Frank Thompson?” “It is, who’s this?” “This is…your doctor’s office…(muffled laughter)…and I’m calling to give you your test results. YOU ARE GAY!” (hangup.) This is not a funny prank call. I used to be friends with someone who was the KING of prank calls. He could keep people on the line for HOURS. They had no idea it was a prank. He really ruled at prank calling. I could never do that. I got the giggles even THINKING of prank calling.

this isn’t twitter you jackass  Is this aimed at ME? I know this isn’t Twitter. Twitter has a BLUE background. This one’s cream. My favorite people are in both places, though, so you can see how I might get confused. Thanks for helping, though. I like helpfulness!

todo o site chartdating mens  Aw, are you making a little chart? That’s so cute! You might want to run a spell-check on it, first. Or else “Richard” is going to look like “Rchiadrd.”

you know you ramble a lot  WHAT? SHIT. NO. HELP ME MOMMA.

Category the Thirteenth: Yep, that’s me

blog woman yelling at cell phone

I am a blog woman. And I’ve been known to yell at my cell phone. You’re in the right place. Nice to meet you.

Category the Fourteenth: Ack, I’m sleeping with a light on tonight, thanks

blackout eye contact so you can’t see
doom bunny head spiked

What the hell is going on HERE? No, no. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. GAH.

Category the Fifteenth: I WIN INTERNETS

Nine people got here this month searching for the term (or terms related to) “sneaky fucker.” NINE. This a most auspicious day, seriously. I couldn’t be more proud.

ZOMG. These posts are the MOST INTENSE THINGS EVER. I should get paid by the word, I could buy myself an ice cream sandwich.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches. 

Love, Me. 

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)