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You’d have to be pretty stellar before I let you cling to my arms. I need those for punching things.

I had to cover the reception desk today. I do that a number of times a week. It’s because I’m super-skilled at phone-answering. I almost never say what I’m thinking. In case you’re wondering, that’s the trick of being a good receptionist.

GOOD RECEPTIONIST:

You: Good afternoon, Company That Is Sucking my Lifeblood!
Caller: I AM DISGRUNTLED. GRUMP GRUMP GRUMP. IT IS OBVIOUSLY YOUR FAULT EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM.
You: And who usually assists you in these matters, sir?
Caller: Bob McGee. (Not anyone I work with’s real name. Do you think I WANT to live in my car?)
You: Let me see if Bob is available. Just a moment, please.

BAD RECEPTIONIST:

You: Hello.
Caller: Is this Company That is Sucking Your Lifeblood?
You: Yes. *SIGH* How can I HELP you.
Caller: I AM DISGRUNTLED. GRUMP GRUMP GRUMP. IT IS…
You: I’m sorry, SIR, but I’m just the RECEPTIONIST, and I can’t even HELP you with that, WHAT THE HELL. Did you think you were just going to reach whoever you were calling the first call you MADE? What is this, 1902? Give me a break. Go hop a horse and buggy down to the soda fountain.
Caller: I…uh…
You: WHO ARE YOU CALLING FOR.
Caller: Bob…McGee?
You: Are you quite sure? You sound hesitant.
Caller: Yes?
You: That upward inflection in your voice isn’t doing you any favors. Bob’s busy. Here’s his voicemail. Don’t call here again.

So, yeah, I don’t do those things. I WANT to, don’t get me WRONG, but I have been told I have a VERY PLEASANT PHONE VOICE. It’s like the only thing I get complimented on in my yearly evaluations, so don’t you even take that away from me, IT IS MY CLAIM TO FAME.

Anyway, the receptionist likes the country channel a lot so the radio is always playing it when I go up there and I don’t know how to turn it off. I tried once and she got really mad because I accidentally tuned it to the God channel. It wasn’t even on purpose. Did she think I WANTED to listen to the God channel for an hour? Who would want THAT shit? Well, a lot of people, if there’s a channel, I suppose, but I’m not one of them.

Then this song came on and I seriously spit-took my water because it had what was, I was sure, the BEST LYRIC EVER WRITTEN.

It was some song giving either advice or support to women at different ages and at one point it was all, “This is to all the girls about forty-two!” (Let’s not even talk about how I hate when people refer to themselves as “girls” when they’re over the age of, say, twenty. You are a woman, dammit, own that.) “Tossing PANTIES into the fountain of YOUTH!”

TOSSING PANTIES INTO THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH.

That is BRILLIANT. That is totally what forty-two year old “girls” would toss into the fountain of youth. Skanky panties. Because who WOULDN’T do that? AWESOME.

So I laughed and laughed and imagined my favorite fountain of all time, the Trevi Fountain in Rome, and all the women turning their backs and just HUCKING panties into it and then I laughed some more when I thought of the poor maintenance workers every morning, all, “Mamma mia! So many biancheria intima! So messy!” And just shaking their little old Italian heads.

Imagine this all filled with panties. WHAT. It's FUNNY.

So tonight I came home all “let’s talk about PANTIES on here today, whoo those crazy country songs” and looked it up and, as I’m sure most of you know, THAT ISN’T EVEN THE EFFING LYRIC.

PENNIES. It’s PENNIES. It’s “tossing PENNIES into the fountain of youth.”

Of COURSE it’s pennies. Who tosses PANTIES into a fountain?

Whoever the hell Martina McBride is, chick needs to learn to ENUNCIATE. Pennies should NOT sound like pennies, even if you DO have a Southern accent. It is EMBARRASSING.

But it’s totally funny. And now whenever you hear that song you’re not going to be able to hear anything but panties. TRY IT. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I found this on Google Images. Apparently, there was some sort of protest that necessitated the throwing of panties. Look how HAPPY they all look. They are totally throwing those panties into the Fountain of Youth. WITH JOY.

Then I was thinking, you know what? Country songs give a lot of advice. Like, a lot more than pop music. There’s that song about the pennies or panties or whatever, which, either way, that is COLOSSALLY bad advice. You found the damn FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH and you are throwing GARBAGE in it? BOTTLE and SELL that shit. DAMN.

Then you’ve got my man Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler.” (This was before he got scary-face so it’s ok I like this song.) So in this song, in case you’re one of the three people in the world who isn’t aware of it, a man meets a gambler on a train and the gambler says, hey, share your whiskey, I’ll talk your ear off with shitty advice. That damn gambler. He was FILLED TO THE BRIM with advice. But at least he asked the guy he was riding the train with if he COULD give the advice first. The dumbass said yes, that was his first mistake. You never tell an old wino you’ll take his advice. You’re in for a long night of BORING DRUNK STORIES.

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealing’s done

THAT IS  A LOT OF ADVICE GAMBLER. But it’s good advice! However, it’s all pretty self-explanatory. What piss-poor gambler doesn’t already know this stuff?

Oh, wait. Is he talking about GAMBLING? Or LIFE? DUN DUN DUNNNNN. I know, right? Is he a DRUNK? Or a PHILOSOPHER? Well, let’s see! Is he done talking?

Oh, don’t worry. No. The gambler’s not done talking. Drunks on trains never are.

Every gambler knows that the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away and knowing what to keep
‘Cause every hand’s a winner and every hand’s a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep

Ugh, GAMBLER, you are SO DEPRESSING. You’re just reiterating the same shit you already SAID, then you’re all, “Whatever, the sweet, sweet embrace of death AWAITS US ALL.”

I’m still not sure if it’s about cards or life. If it’s metaphor or a simile or even a euphemism, it’s not a very good one.

THEN THE GAMBLER EFFING DIES.

I know, right? This song is filled with advice and also sadness and dead alcoholics with gambling addictions.

I totally love this song.

Then we have the song that little Amy’s mom used to sing to her when she was little. I don’t think because she was trying to indoctrinate little Amy. But because she liked the song. And listen! I like the SOUND of the song. But MAN the lyrics are worrisome. I of course am talking about Tammy Wynette’s “Stand by Your Man.”

What advice does Tammy give us in this song?

Sometimes its hard to be a woman

YES IT IS TAMMY

Giving all your love to just one man

Wait, what? I gots me some wild OATS, though. What about my wild OATS?

You’ll have bad times
And he’ll have good times

These can’t be the lyrics, can they? I’ll have bad times, and he’ll have good ones? When do I get to see the sailboat?

Doing things that you don’t understand

Math? Auto repair? Watching television with his hands in his pants? Picking his nose and then looking at it as if it’s going to be a surprise, what he found in there? Giggling about farts?

But if you love him you’ll forgive him

Um…I guess…depends on what he’s done, though? Right?

Even though he’s hard to understand

Oh, shit, I totally married someone with a speech impediment, this is the worst.

And if you love him
Oh be proud of him

I love a lot of people I’m not PROUD of, per se. Can the two not be mutually exclusive?

‘Cause, after all, he’s just a man

Wah-WAH! He’s JUST A MAN. That sounds like a horrible punchline of something my grandmother would tell me.

Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to

Why is he “clinging” to my arms? I need those for things. Is he having trouble standing upright? Oh, my good gravy, did I marry someone mushmouthed AND with a problem staying upright for long periods of time?

And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely

I kind of take offense at being referred to as “something.” I’M SOMEBODY DAMMIT. And why am I the one who needs to be a little stove? Why can’t HE be the warm one? This is the worst marriage ever.

Stand by your man
And tell the world you love him

Ugh, the whole WORLD? That seems like a lot of work. I mean, I have to be a little STOVE, I have to stand still for all the ARM-GRIPPING, I have to decipher what he’s SAYING…I don’t get a lot of free time here, do I?

Keep giving all the love you can

How much love is that, exactly? All that I CAN. I can’t give much. I have a lot of plates spinning at the moment.

Stand by your man
Stand by your man

I GET IT I GET IT JEEZ

And show the world you love him

Wait, SHOW the world I love him? Now I have to SHOW the world? What, get a face tattoo? Make a sex tape? Knit a “I love Harold” sweater and wear it every-damn-where? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Keep giving all the love you can

I don’t ever get to STOP? I guess the gambler was right and I can only hope for the sweet, sweet release of sleep-death.

Stand by your man!

I DON’T WANT TO THIS IS TOO HARD

I am totally the most depressed after that and probably want to stay single forever now. Let’s turn to The Eagles, and one of those songs I can NOT resist and I have to sing along to no matter what. And I was totally mad when they used it in Seinfeld that time because I hate Seinfeld with the fire of a thousand suns (DON’T EVEN START WITH ME IT WAS NOT FUNNY) and they tried to RUIN MY GOOD SONG.

Yes, yes, it’s “Desperado.” Shut up, like you don’t love this. EVERYONE LOVES THIS.

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
You been out riding fences for so long now

See? That’s nice. That’s good advice! That poor desperado. He should come in from the bad weather and have a sandwich.

Oh, you’re a hard one

Hee! Euphemism.

But I know that you got your reasons

If you continue with the euphemism, that’s still funny. If you take it in the spirit it was intended, it’s totally sad.

These things that are pleasing you
Can hurt you somehow

You can still euphemism that. Or not. Up to you.

Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She’ll beat you if she’s able

This is NOT ABOUT CARDS. You know that drunk gambler would be all “KNOW WHEN TO HOLD EM!” but it’s totally about WOMENFOLKS.

You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Aw! ’cause, love!

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can’t get.

HOLY SHIT. You and me BOTH, Desperado. YOU AND ME BOTH. (I totally sing this line the loudest because I love it the most.)

Desperado, oh, you ain’t getting no younger

Way to be rude, singer. You don’t just say that to people. He probably has a knife right in his boot. Desperadoes are totally willing to shiv you if you insult them by calling them oldtimey.

Your pain and your hunger, they’re driving you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talking
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

This part is depressing as hell. We’ve got this old as hell cowboy all hungry and in pain and in chains and lonely and in prison. This is NOT A HAPPY SONG. (That’s why I love it so.)

Don’t your feet get cold in the wintertime?
The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine
It’s hard to tell the night time from the day
You’re losing all your highs and lows
Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away?

Now he’s COLD and all weather is the SAME and there is not a lot of advice right now. SOMEONE GIVE THE DESPERADO SOME ADVICE OR HE’LL TOTALLY SHIV YOU.

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?

YES. Time for advice-givin’!

Come down from your fences, open the gate

The GATE is his EMOTIONS. This is a totally deep song.

It may be raining, but there’s a rainbow above you

I…I’m not sure. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel? Goonies never say die? I don’t know what the hell.

You better let somebody love you, before it’s too late

I’ll totally love up on a desperado. I’m down with ruggedy-ness. Also, they usually have horses, then I know my fella would like animals so he’d be down with my plan for my rescue home for all the animals in the woods, see? I’m always thinking.

So what did we learn today? To…hold ’em and fold ’em, dependent on ’em? To die in our sleep? To not marry people with speech impediments who can’t stand on their own two feet for extended periods of time? That The Eagles loved a good euphemism?

Nope. What we LEARNED is that the mental image of throwing PANTIES into a FOUNTAIN is HYSTERICAL.

Oh, come on, try to deny it. You totally can’t. It’s just that funny.

THANK YOU COUNTRY MUSIC.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

37 responses to “You’d have to be pretty stellar before I let you cling to my arms. I need those for punching things.

  • Rich Crete

    I’m sitting here in my store, laughing so hard I woke up the cat. It’s your fault the cat’s awake! Now she thinks it’s lunch time.
    Where to start….
    Worrying about the guy who has to clean out the fountain in the morning is freeking brilliant.
    Wondering who would look for advice from a drunk who has to bum his booze…too funny.
    Knit a sweater that reads “I love Harold”….Ohmygawd, it’s no wonder the cat’s awake.
    Next time you have to cover the desk try this:
    Thank you for calling _______. We’ve upped our standards. Up yours.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      YAY! Now THAT is exciting! I made you laugh so hard you woke up your pet! Yippee!

      (True fact – this post cracked ME up. That doesn’t usually happen. I’m so glad people liked it!)

      Like

  • Lisa

    Okay, I totally HATED country music until this post. Now all I want to do is sing lyrics about fences and wobbly men. Thank you for that… It’s always nice to change your perspective every now and then!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, most country sucks the hardest. Stick with the good stuff. Old-school is usually best. Johnny Cash, old Kenny Rogers (before the face scariness), stuff like that. The new stuff is WEIRD. Like, there’s this whole song (by one of my less-hated country singers, actually) about how the singer wants to take his chick into the woods, then take her home and check her for ticks. That’s the WHOLE SONG. I think it’s supposed to be sexy but it just makes me itch.

      Like

  • sj

    I will have to comment later once I’m over the shock of learning that you HATE SEINFELD.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I do. I SO do. I have reasons. Should I blog them? Nah, they’re not that long.

      1. No one would have ever slept with George, yet he was having so much sex. It was disturbing to me. He was not only physically repugnant, his attitude and voice made me want to vomit in a shoe.
      2. Every single one of their voices had a whiny naggy twang that made me want to start pulling my eyebrows out, one hair at a time.
      3. Nothing on there ever made me laugh.
      4. Kramer was all about slapstick. I hate slapstick so much. It’s on par with my hatred of people who stop walking for no reason when you’re behind them in an aisle in the grocery store.
      5. It had a laugh track. Laugh tracks make me want to throw pointy things at baby giraffes.
      6. None of the scenarios were believable, even if they were funny.
      7. They were all so smug and so arrogant. It made it impossible to like them, or care what happened to them.

      I think that’s it. HAAAAATED IT.

      This caused a rift in a close friendship years ago that’s never been repaired. True story.

      Like

  • blogginglily

    That’s not country music. That’s pop crossover music. You need to get yourself some good ol’ fashioned country and western girl. Now them’s got LYRICS.

    Like

  • lahikmajoe

    You know that half of etsy is now knitting “I love Harold” sweaters and wearing them every-damn-where. You know that, right?

    I had a roommate in college who loathed the Eagles. Almost as much as the Dude in ‘The Big Liebowski’ did. But that ‘Desperado’ tune? He swore it couldn’t be an Eagles song. That it was too good. Too unlike all the things he hated about the Eagles.

    See, even my jaded college roommate agreed with you without even knowing it.

    For now on, I doubt I’ll be able to look at fountains without imagining all the panties being thrown in. For someone in Peoria, this might be a problem. Not me…we have a lot of fountains in Yerp.

    Now that I won’t be able to get this vision out of my head whenever I see a fountain. Thanks for that.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      AWESOME. I’ve spent enough money on Etsy to fund a small nation, it’s time they gave a little something back.

      “Desperado” IS so good. It is the BEST. I stop what I’m DOING when it comes on. It’s MESMERIZING.

      Here is a story entitled “Amy is running on very little sleep.”

      So I saw you’d commented and I was all, “Yay! Ken commented!” and I read the comment and then I was all, “YERP! My NEW FAVORITE FUNNY WORD! Whatever could it MEAN?” So I did a Google search for it and Google told me it was how the kids today said “yep.” So even though I know some kids today and I’ve never heard them say “yerp,” not even once, I re-read your sentence and “We have a lot of fountains in yep” didn’t make sense. So then I substituted yes, thinking maybe that would help. “We have a lot of fountains in yes.” That only scans if you’re a non-native English speaker and, even then, only if you’re being kind.

      Then I was walking to the mailroom to get my mail which was totally only junkmail and that’s the most disappointing and it hit me like a bolt of inspiration and I said, OUT LOUD TO NO ONE, and there were TOTALLY people in the parking lot who gave me the stinkeye for being a looney, “OH SHIT IT MEANS EUROPE YERP IS EUROPE.” Then I got the giggles that a., I’d said that out loud, b., I didn’t understand that immediately, and c., Yerp is just fun to both say AND read and I’d never heard it before and I do so like new fun word things.

      And, SCENE.

      Thank you for Yerp. It made my whole day better.

      Happy to make panty-filled fountains dance in your head. If nothing else, I have done that. Isn’t that nice of me?

      Like

  • Heather

    I like your panties version better.

    Like

  • jbrown3079

    The Eagles are a tough group to like. They have made great songs like Desperado. But Witchy Woman, spare me. And I am one of the few that can’t get away fast enough from Hotel California. I don’t want a room there.
    And what happened to poor Kenny Rogers’ face? That death mask is absolutely frightening. How bad could you have looked to think this was better?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Completely agreed. The song “Take it Easy” makes me want to commit kitten-murder.

      Kenny Rogers’ face is one of the scariest things in the history of EVER. I have no idea if that was on purpose, or a botched plastic surgery job, but whatever happened there is a crime against humanity.

      Like

  • Robert Godden (@The_Devotea)

    I totally agree about Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld is the unfunniest comedian ever, so to add him into a dud show really wasn’t going to help. It’s like adding burnt brown rice to lawn clippings and calling it gourmet tea.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m glad others agree. I was always completely flabbergasted with the Seinfeld love. I really did try to get it, because I thought I was missing out on something, but never could figure it out. No one should have to work so hard for humor to be funny for them.

      Like

  • cas2986

    Because of this post…. I am no longer allowing myself to read blogs at work. It was all I could do not to completely laugh my butt of…. but I’m sitting 3 feet from my boss and I don’t think he would appreciate it. But definitely love all the advice. I’m curious to know what kind of advice someone like Lady Gaga might have in store. Or that girl with the dollar sign in her name. Those are some words to live by right there.

    Like

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