Basketball and Murdering

FIRST! Before our regularly-scheduled fun. If you are reading this in a RSS-reader, do me a favor, and, just for today, click on over to my blog. Same if you’re reading this via email. GO GO GO!


My honey badger of a friend Cara, who is one of the most amazing graphic designers in all the world (also one of the most amazing friends, writers, photographers, co-conspirators, and all-around humans, but those are geekouts for another day, and also, I AM MEETING HER IN PERSON IN OCTOBERRRR) made me a HEADER! My OWN header! For my OWN BLOG! And isn’t it SO GORGEOUS? I look like a REAL BLOGGER! Who BLOGS ABOUT REALNESS! I am so excited I want to spin around in my chair right now.

Click on her link and check out her work. She is AMAZEBALLS. Probably you’ll want her to design something for you! Or take some photos for you! Or maybe you even want to buy one of her amazing posters! YOU CAN! And YOU SHOULD!


Also, in NEWS OF EXCITING, I’ve been planning this for a while but wanted to wait til I had something cool for the profile picture, but I think we all know that with my copious free time, THAT’S never going to happen. SO HERE. I made a FACEBOOK PAGE. For Lucy’s Football. Isn’t that the most exciting? I know it is. Now we can ALL BE FRIENDS. It’s pretty spanky, yes? Yes, yes it is. Go be my friend, I’ll post random stupid shit and we’ll all laugh. If you put emo updates on my page I’ll totally mock your asses. MAKE SURE YOU KEEP MY PAGE AWESOME.


I am utterly and completely filled with exhaustion, you guys. I HURT, I’m so exhaustion-filled. BLERGH.

Every year I tell myself, I WILL LOOK FOR, AND FIND, A NEW JOB BEFORE NEXT TAX SEASON DAMMIT. I never do. I’m the Queen of Stasis. Stasisania. Stasisville. Stasistonia.

Also, I’m fairly sure all this stress is giving me an ulcer, because I’m eating all the antacid. Although I’m also eating all the wasabi peas, so the two could be related. YUM WASABI PEAS. It’s like a game I play with myself, eating wasabi peas. “YUM! Ow. OW! Yum. Ow. OW!” Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Also, the Rite Aid was out of my favorite antacid. I think that’s a sign of a massive conspiracy, right there. Who runs out of the best antacid in the world? What kind of drug store allows that to happen?

AND, it became very clear to me that I was entering cranky-land, population ME, when I started getting annoyed by EVERY DAMN LITTLE THING. Like, let’s take my visit to the Rite Aid. Not ONLY did they not have my antacid, they put PRICE STICKERS on the bottles of the store brand antacid RIGHT OVER the section that said “comparable to…” so I couldn’t tell what it was comparable to so I could buy the one that was most comparable to the one I wanted. So THAT made me stompy-stomp. Then I got to the register and had to wait like A MINUTE because no one was around and I was all “HUFF HUFF” and then the woman showed up and the first thing she said, as she was walking up, was, “Do you have a Rite Aid card?” in this totally hectoring tone as if she wasn’t going to wait on me if I said no. YES, LADY. Not ONLY do I have a Rite Aid card, I AM A GOLD MEMBER. TWENTY PERCENT OFF EVERY DAY. BAM. IN YOUR FACE.

Then I realized none of these things were things that would make ANYONE upset if a., they weren’t overtired, b., their stomach wasn’t on fire with either stress or wasabi peas, c., they hadn’t just worked ten hours straight without a single break at all and I think that’s against about 43 kabillion labor laws.

So I very nicely paid for all the less-desirable antacid and also LADY-VITAMINS (I think what makes them lady-vitamins is iron? I don’t know. They say “FOR WOMEN” on them) and then went to my car and listened to loud music on the way home and sang along obnoxiously. That helped.

Anyway, I’ve totally been remiss in thanking Cassie at Books and Bowel Movements for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award. It is very similar to the time I was nominated for a similar award, and I couldn’t accept it, because I don’t like pyramid-scheming others into playing. I don’t mind being pyramid-schemed, but I don’t like doing it to others, even though you all know I love to win more than I love dairy products. Here are my reasons. Ready?

  1. What if they hated me forever for it? I don’t know if I could live with that kind of rejection.
  2. I’m supposed to choose fifteen bloggers. I don’t like choosing people, for a variety of reasons. It feels like gym class, is one. I don’t like having to be the one to choose people. Someone always gets left out. Someone always gets their feelings hurt. And that someone is ALWAYS the most vocal and says something like “what, I’m not GOOD enough for you? Oh, I see how it is” and then you feel like a big old exclusionary asshole even though that’s not why you left them out and it makes you rethink your whole life plan. It’s the same reason I don’t like to do #FF on Twitter. Someone always gets a huge old knicker-twist. Then I have to buy more antacid. No one likes that, especially since we’ve established my Rite Aid seems to be bogarting the good antacid and possibly selling it for inflated prices on eBay.
  3. It seems like WORK. And I work a lot. I don’t want to work on my time off. I want to eat popsicles in the dark and talk to you all about penguins or something.

BUT. I will thank Cassie EVER SO MUCH for the award. Because it makes me have happy tingles that Cassie reads my blog, and likes it enough to think of me. Let me tell you some things about Cassie and how awesome she is:

  1. Not ONLY is she just utterly drop-dead gorgeous, the girl writes like a dream. Seriously. I think someone should hire her to write propaganda. Because I can NOT read one of her posts without wanting EVERY SINGLE BOOK MENTIONED IN IT. Every word has its place; every quote is perfectly chosen; the layout of her blog is beautiful. Seriously, click up there and check her out. You won’t regret it, especially if you’re a lit rat like I am.
  2. She has MAD SKILLZZZZZ. You should see her photography! I’m kind of a little jealous (FINE, A LOT), because she can write, she’s funny, she’s intelligent, AND she has an artistic eye.
  3. She seems to have fun in everything she does. I like that when I read a blog. When you can see the person who’s writing it in the words, and that person is someone you know you’d like to know in real life? That’s successful blogging, to me, right there.

So, Cassie, even though I am totally REJECTING the award, it is not out of anything but LOVE. And also fear. Fear of having to choose fifteen people and leave off others who might get yelly. I do so hate the yelly people. YELLY PEOPLE. PLEASE STOP IT. (Also, side note? If you notice yourself getting left out of things a lot? And you always make a huge stink about it? Odds are good THAT’S WHY YOU’RE GETTING LEFT OUT. Shush. People will come, Ray.)


Also, I was supposed to hang out with Twitter people tonight, which fell through when one of us had to work late (me) and one of us had a meeting and the last one might or might not go on his own, I don’t know. This is sad, because how exciting would that have been? THE MOST. (I would say the Twitter people’s names but I don’t know if they want me to. I don’t want to be obnoxious. Shit, I already am. FINE. I don’t want to be OBNOXIOUSER.)

But don’t even try telling my dad you’re going to a bar to hang out with people you met on the internet. DO NOT.

(Sunday night)
Dad: Call me tomorrow. I’m watching basketball now.
Me: Can’t. I think I’m going to a bar to hang out with some people.
Dad: What? What people. What bar. ARE THEY INTERNET PEOPLE?
Me: Yes.
Me: It is not. It’s like an event. Other people will be there.
Dad: That’s what they tell you, but when you get there they murder you.
Me: I don’t think they will. They seem very nice.
Dad: They ALWAYS seem nice. Until the murdering starts.
Me: I’ve known them for MONTHS. That’s one elaborate ruse.
Dad: Killers have a lot of time on their hands. DO NOT GO.
Me: No, remember, one is the guy you totally bonded with because when I blogged that you thought Mom was trying to make you think you were crazy he said she was Gaslight-ing you and he accuses his wife of that, too? You said he was ok. You commiserated with him.
Dad: Oh. Yeah. I remember that. That poor guy. What about the other guy?
Me: He is very nice. He is not a killer.
Dad: No, I’m pretty sure he is. No one ever says, once a killer is discovered, “that guy seemed so killer-like!” They always say, “I am shocked! That guy seemed so nice!”
Dad: Also, bars are where killings happen. If you show up and the lights are off, don’t go in.
Me: But how will I know if they’re having a surprise party for me?
Dad: NOT FUNNY. Also, if you show up and underneath the sign that says the name of the shady bar they told you to meet them at you can see another sign peeking out that says “Murders Here” or something, DON’T GO IN.
Me: I’d never enter a murder bar with such shoddy sign coverupmanship. That shows a total inattention to detail. I mean, after something like that, how could you even expect them to murder you efficiently?
Dad: Also, call me when you get there. And while you’re there. And when you leave. And when you get home.
Me: I didn’t call you this much when I was a teenager. You do know I’m in my late thirties and live four hours away from you, right?
Dad: So I know you’re not murdered.
Me: But what if I was murdered? What would you even DO about it? Would you avenge my death? Would you become Inigo Montoya?
Dad: No. Swords are a stupid weapon in this day and age. Too risky. Also, hard to conceal in your jacket.
Me: OK, so don’t go, and if I go, don’t go in, and if I go in, call you 47 billion times while there. I’m going to have a really good time. Maybe I should just stay home and call you, it’d kind of be the same thing.
Dad: YES. That’s PERFECT. Do THAT.

Well, Dad was glad to know that plans fell through. No, wait, scratch that. When I called him tonight, he FORGOT I EVEN HAD PLANS. I’m not kidding. It had already slipped his mind. In his defense, he’s really focused on basketball at the moment. IT IS ALL HE CAN THINK ABOUT. Well, basketball and murdering, I guess.

Ooh, new band name. Basketball and Murdering.

Happy Tuesday, my little cherry tomatoes! May your Tuesdays be a billion and one times better than your Mondays (but, obviously, nowhere NEAR as good as your Saturdays. Let’s not be crazy, here.)

(OH! And I KNOW it’s International Storytelling Day today and I said I might tell you a story about trees because the lovely SJ asked me to in my comments. but I don’t have the mental facilities to do so. Please forgive. I’ll try to come up with some sort of tree-story later. Will it still count?)

(OH! Also, I updated my blogroll, because I’ve been horrible about that. MAN are there a lot of amazing bloggers over there. So if you ever find yourself with way too much free time on your hands, and you think, WHATEVER WILL I DO? I know! You could read one of those blogs! And you’d be so happy, you know?)

This is a photo I found on the interwebs of some otters playing in a bathroom and I'm showing it to ALL OF YOU for no reason other than it made me smile. OTTERS IN A BATHROOOMMMMM!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

23 responses to “Basketball and Murdering

  • Cassie

    This is fuckin’ sweet – pardon my french. 1. Because I nominated you due to your opinion on everything even when it doesn’t necessarily go with the status quo and this is just another time where you’re exactly right – this isn’t kickball in third grade where I get picked last because I’m short and my legs don’t move as fast as everybody else. That was such a long sentence, good lord. Anyway. Thank you for all your nice words, I love your blog in a mutual blubbery, and totally jealous way. Especially when you go on rants – please rant more. And please continue to tweet hilarious, random shit. Okay yay! I’m done with this extremely long and saying nothing comment. You’re da bomb, in the 90s Nick at Night sort of way.


  • zippy219

    Gorgeous header! Very nice. Us Cara’s are just the coolest girls ever.


  • elaine4queen

    i went right off on a tangent with the ladyvitamin thing. i started thinking maybe there would be vitamins for all the hair, and also the long nails. then i thought OH WAIT, SKIN. then i thought, well maybe men would want hair, probably not so much nails, and then, what about skin? they don’t want spots any more than we do, but what about the special baby skin? we would like that, but men might like rugged rhino skin.

    i don’t know. i need a lie down.


  • sj

    It totally counts later. I’d like at least an outline before midnight, though. You know, so…something. I kind of lost my train of thought here.

    Man, I need more coffee.

    Thanks for including us in your blogroll! That’s such a warm fuzzy. <3


  • Rich Crete

    Your insight is deep and beyond your years. Murder would be totally inefficient (and probably sloppy) with such inattention to coverupmanship. (How come spell check doesn’t like coverupmanship? It’s a perfectly fine word and I just read it, so I know it’s right. Don’t be so fricken strict, spellcheck!)

    Also, to Amy’s dad’s point, wouldn’t it be great if the local news interviewed one of the neighbors and they said “Yep. No shock here. Total killer type. Been expecting death ever since he moved in. Wish he’d nailed that little loud mouth punk across the street instead of that nice old Mrs. Norton, though. I had the punk in the murder pool down at the bar. Hafta go check and see who had Mrs. Norton. Maybe hit him up for a beer.”

    Thanks for adding me to the blogroll. Makes me feel like one of the cool kids. I know… strange is that?


    • lucysfootball

      That’s what my dad would say if they interviewed him, because he’d want to be the one who looked like he knew all along. “That guy? He always had CRAZY EYES.”

      You are WELCOME! Yay for the updated blogroll! I have to do that on a more regular basis, it was embarrassing how outdated some of the links were.


  • blogginglily

    did you know that otters are my favorite animal? animals? Anyway, I like them. And your dad makes me laugh. Internet people are all in cahoots.

    Cara’s stuff looks, as you indicated. . . “amazeballs”.

    Thanks for helping me with my facebook moronacy.


    • lucysfootball

      They ARE? OK, plan! There is a wildlife place up near my parents’ that has a whole OTTER HABITAT. You can watch otters frolic and eat things ALL DAY LONG. It’s the BEST. So someday, you take a road trip and come visit me with your whole family, because they would love the otters, who wouldn’t. And we will go visit the otters! How much fun would that be? The MOST fun! And, AND, what if I could convince my DAD to come? (I totally couldn’t. He went once and bitched and moaned the WHOLE TIME that they made him pay to enter. I was all, “Dad. It’s like a zoo. Zoos aren’t free.” He was SO MAD ANYWAY.)

      Isn’t it great? I love my blog and Facebook so much!

      You are welcome! You’re not a moron, Facebook is. I can’t believe you had to have a personal page. That’s what’s moronic. Let me know anytime if there’s anything else you need.


  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Otters in the bathroom? Otters ANYWHERE! Love ’em. We have three kinds of otters in our local zoo and they are my fave.

    I wouldn’t want your dad to be freaked out by this, because I know he thinks I am imaginary or a murderer or something, but I kind of live vicariously through your blog re-interpretations of the conversations you two have. (My dad died several years ago–car accident–wear your seatbelt, people.) My dad was also a funny, curmudgeonly, temperamental kind of guy, who could also be quite sweet. So I like that.

    And I worry about you! Take care of yourself! Not because of the murderers, I am sure your internet friends are fine, but carry pepper spray just in case, but because of the long days! And maybe you could try carrot sticks as a sub for wasabi peas? Not as fun but less stabby?


    • lucysfootball

      They’re the best, right? So cheerful! We went to see them a few years ago at a wildlife sanctuary and I couldn’t stop watching them. They were so much fun! And about 10 years ago, I went to a zoo and the otters were next to the penguins, and – get this! – a PENGUIN escaped the penguin area, went INTO the otter area, and they PLAYED! INTERSPECIES FRIENDS!!!

      I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. There will always be dad-conversations, and you are always welcome to live vicariously through them. I think Dad would like that, even though he thinks you’re all imaginary. :)

      Don’t worry – it’s just tax season. It happens every year. It’ll calm down in a little less than a month and then I’ll swirl around in a field with joy like the “Sound of Music” lady. Or just sleep for a few days. I KNOW, I should totally eat something less ouchy. But no carrots – I have a carrot aversion, raw or cooked. I have popsicles. I need to concentrate more on those.


  • lahikmajoe

    National Storytelling Day? That’s everyday for you. Someone in your position needn’t even bother commemorating that day.

    I didn’t know one of the options if I didn’t like something going on here is to get yelly. Not that I’ve ever been in any way disappointed. It’s simply good to know I have the ‘getting yelly’ option.

    That really is good to know.


    • lucysfootball

      I do try to make every day National Storytelling Day. My dad tells me I missed my calling and I should have been one of those Adirondack Storytellers that roams around upstate NY telling stories about Rip Van Winkle and things, because they’re kind of looney and talk with their hands a lot. I always thought of that as my backup plan.

      Oh, getting yelly is always an option. You think every day is National Storytelling Day? It’s DOUBLE that for yelliness. My default vocal setting is 11. (Oh, please tell me you get that reference. Oh, please.)

      So yes. You always have the yelly option. Mostly, you’ll need it to be heard over me.


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