Listen, what kind of weirdo uses a funeral to pick up men, anyway?

Remember a while ago I tried to win the Reader’s Digest psychopath test and Andreas’ railroad psychopath test but I totally lost miserably because apparently I’m not a psychopath and even though that’s probably a very good thing, it’s also the saddest because I so like to win things?

WELL, exciting news, I totally got to take ANOTHER psychopath test the other day! I KNOW. How do these things keep HAPPENING to me? I don’t know. Just lucky, I guess.

So BFF sent me a message that said this the other day:

While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much the dream guy that she was searching for that she fell in love with him immediately. However, she never asked for his name or number and afterward could not find anyone who knew who he was. A few days later the girl killed her own sister. So… Why did she kill her sister?

OK. Now, I know you’re totally going to be the MOST EXCITED, because I’m going to give you a peek into HOW MY MIND WORKS. Ready?

(Oh, side note, first? I’m just going to put out there that I’m the worst at riddles. Just the total worst. THE WORST. Warning, warning.)

Oh, wait, I should just say, if you want to solve this on your own, do it now, before you read any further. SPOILER ALERT BEGINS AND ENDS NOW.

My mind while solving this riddle:

This is worded oddly. I assume that’s because it’s like that riddle on the Cosby Show that time about the woman who was a doctor but you were led to believe it was a man who was a doctor. OK, let’s figure this out. She met a guy at a funeral and fell in love. Well, that’s stupid. Focus up, Michael Bolton. Alright. So, she killed her sister, who heretofore had no play in this situation. Was she her OWN sister? Is that even possible? Did she kill HERSELF? Riddles like to trick you like that. Was the man she met at the funeral her dad and somehow there was some icky incest going on? No, I don’t think it’s possible to be your own sister. Is it? I don’t want to think too hard about that. It will give me the shivers. OK, wait, I think there’s something to this icky incest thing. WAIT A MINUTE. She killed her sister. It doesn’t say she KNEW it was her sister. I HAVE SOLVED THIS.

My answer to BFF:

Did she have an abortion because she slept with her dad & didn’t know he was her dad (ew?)

Then BFF didn’t send me a reply for like HALF AN HOUR. What the hell, I had to grocery shop without knowing if I was the smartest person in the whole damn WORLD. Which, clearly, I am. I mean, look at the thought process behind that answer. It is PERFECTION. Right? I clearly win riddle-solving. There’s not even a logic flaw in that answer.

BFFs answer:

No. Good thing you didn’t get it right!

Answer: She thought if the man had appeared at her mother’s funeral, then he might appear at another family funeral.

Behind the riddle:

If you guessed this one quickly, it might not be cause for celebration. It’s commonly known as ‘The Psychopath Riddle.’ According to legend, an American psychologist used this as a test to see if subjects had the same mentality as a killer.

WELL. I’m mad at this on a couple of levels. A., that OBVIOUSLY there are more than one correct answer to this, and I TOTALLY got it right and no one cares, and B., I lost another damn psychopath test. What does a person have to do to prove she’s a psychopath these days, wear a trenchcoat made of human skin and keep people in chains in her basement? I DON’T HAVE A BASEMENT YOU GUYS.

BFF nicely told me “as usual, your answer was superior” (which is why he is my BFF, sorry, you guys, THAT POSITION IS FILLED) and that I might be a little bit of a psychopath but I think that was just to appease me. Also he thinks it might prove I have the Electra complex. EW EW EW.

So I decided, because my dad totally failed Andreas’ “throwing a someone off a railroad trestle” psychopath test and I was getting a little worried, to give Dad this test to see what the solution was.

Me: I’m giving you another psychopath test.
Dad: Basketball is on.
Me: I know. I’m already out of the brackets. I don’t care about it anymore. I’m so mad that the devils and the owls aren’t going to the last two games.
Dad: And I think we can see why you’re out of the brackets so early.
Me: Here’s the test. (I read him the test.)
Dad: You did that even though I told you not to.
Me: Yeah. You knew I would, though.
Dad: Yes. Yes, I did.
Me: So? What’s your answer?
Dad: The mystery man was her dad.
Dad: I don’t know why she killed her sister, though. Is the answer SHE’S a psychopath?
Me: No. Well, yes. Probably. But it’s to test if we are. We apparently are not. We also are apparently not good at riddles.
Dad: I’m very good at Sudoku.
Me: I know you are.
Dad: That’s like a NUMBER riddle.
Me: I know it is.
Dad: Psychopaths could never solve a Sudoku.
Me: No. Probably not. They’re too busy killing their sisters and meeting their imaginary dads at funerals.
Dad: That’s sad, because Sudoku puzzles are really fun.
Me: Yes. Yes, they are.

So apparently it’s obvious that my dad and I think alike. But luckily he did not go further with the “it’s her dad” thing or that would have just been too icky and I could not have talked about it without showering my BRAIN.

Also, with a little research, I found out that it is not even a REAL TEST. Snopes tells us it is FALSE. Also, that the correct answer is, “She killed her sister because her mom was dead and she didn’t want to share her inheritance.”

I have to admit, that’s a very good answer, Snopes, and may well make you a psychopath.

I was super-sad. Because listen, I can NOT win a psychopath test. And I refuse to cheat, because I’m weird about cheating. So I went to Google and I was all GOOGLE FIND ME MORE PSYCHOPATH TESTS and it was all, OK AMY YOU WEIRDO.

And I found THIS. And listen, this is the best thing. This is totally going to solve this for me, I just know it.

This test doesn’t say what I’m supposed to do, so I suppose I just answer these? AWESOME I WILL WIN THIS.

  1. You live in an apartment building (about 10~15 stories). You were a student studying for an exam, but decided to take some rest. You looked out the window and witnessed a man killing a girl. The man saw you and moved his finger in a certain motion. Just from the information given, what do you think the man was doing with his finger?
    Making the “slitting my throat with his finger” gesture. Right? That’s what killers do when someone sees them. I know. I watch a lot of old movies.
  2. Someone is in front of you. Who is that person?
    Um. I don’t…what does this mean? No one is in front of me. I’m sitting at my computer. Is this…am I imagining someone is in front of me? OK, I guess I can imagine that. I imagine that a young Joaquin Phoenix is in front of me. Before he got weird. Then I tap him on the shoulder, he turns, and we make out. Am I winning this yet? 
  3. There is a portrait of a man who went to war. He was injured in two places. Where was he injured? (List the two places he was injured.)
    This test is confusing. Why would I know this? Why would a war vet have a portrait done? People still get portraits done? Like, an oil painting? Or a photo? Did he go to Olan Mills? That place is a scam, seriously. By the time you actually get in there, you end up wanting to stab your whole family and you all have madfaces. OK, well, it’s a portrait, so that assumes his head and shoulders. I’m going to say he’s missing an eye, and has an eyepatch, like a pirate. And has a scar on his cheek, which makes him look badass. But the other eye looks kind, and he’s kind of smiling.
  4. A little boy received a bike and a soccer ball for presents. But the boy hated them. Why didn’t the boy like the two presents?
    I totally know this one. Because he asked for a musical instrument but his parents thought that was too girly, so instead, to toughen him up, they bought him boy-toys, but he really, really, REALLY wanted something else. Right? 
  5. You’re a thief. You broke into someone’s house. The owner of the house saw you; you have no choice but to kill the owner. But the owner hid inside the closet. How are you going to kill the owner?
    You shoot through it? You open it and kill them? I don’t know. That closet door seems like not much of an impediment. It’s not like they’re locked in a safe room made of platinum.
  6. You’re a twin (and you’re a girl). You were born before your twin sister. Your grandma recently passed away and you guys had to hold a funeral for her. At the funeral, you saw a handsome, young man. You fell deeply in love him… But, you killed your twin sister. Why did you kill your twin sister?
    WHAT? SAMESIES! We already KNOW this one. Obviously, it’s to get her half of the inheritance. WINNING! 
  7. You live in an apartment. You were watching TV, but someone was knocking hard on the door. You looked through the peephole and there was a man who was holding a knife. What are you going to do?
    Quietly tiptoe back up the stairs, call the cops, and wait for them to show up? I don’t know. It’s not like he can get in or anything. My door’s always locked. A knife is a very stupid weapon, and if he was serious about murder he wouldn’t be waving it around. He’d hide it until I opened the door. DUH, KILLER.
  8. You’re the youngest member of the family. You saw your mom, dad, brother, sister, etc. die right in front of your eyes. But you stood still or did nothing. Why did you?
    Etc.? I don’t even know how many family members I have? Well, apparently I’m in a coma and also am not mentally aware of how many family members I have. I’m in bad shape. You should cut me some slack. 
  9. You were very thirsty. You decided to get a drink from the vending machine. What color drink did you choose?
    Clear. I can’t drink anything from vending machines but water.


1. Normal: Memorizing your face to kill you.
Psychopath: Counting what floor you live in.

I didn’t answer either of these. What does THAT mean? Also, the psychopath answer is very smart. I wish I’d thought of that. And what kind of finger gesture does someone make to memorize a FACE? That’s just dumb.

2. Normal: Murderer/Criminal
Psychopath: a landowner

WTF does this even MEAN? Neither of these are Joaquin Phoenix. Wait, I think Joaquin Phoenix got kicked out of a club when he was being a rapper that time, which makes him a criminal. But I bet he’s also a landowner. He’s got money. SHIT THIS IS THE WORST.

3. Normal: Whatever the psychopath didn’t say…
Psychopath: Eyes and chest

I am apparently half a psychopath. Or I just really like pirates.

4. Normal: Already own it or hate it
Psychopath: Doesn’t have legs

HA HA HA HA THE PSYCHOPATH ANSWER IS HILARIOUS YOU GUYS! No, seriously, I wish I’d thought of that. I totally would have answered that way had I thought of that. Also, what kind of torturous asshole gives a legless child a ball or a bike? THAT’S your psychopath.

5. Normal: Stick a knife inside and kill the owner.
Psychopath: Wait in front of the closet until the owner comes out.

Um…”stick a knife inside?” That’s stupid. Are you assuming the door has louvers? What if it doesn’t? Do you have one of those Ginsu knives that can cut a tin can AND a tomato? And listen, I don’t think psychopaths are patient enough to wait in front of closets indefinitely, do you?

6. Normal: To see that handsome, young man again.
Psychopath: To have that man all to yourself.

OR TO HAVE THE INHERITANCE ALL TO YOURSELF. Screw the man. You can BUY a man with that inheritance. Snopes SAID so.

7. Normal: Do not open the door.
Psychopath: Open the door, take the knife away from the man and stab him.

STFU, no one would say that psychopath answer. NO ONE. Come right on. Who wrote this? Even Chuck Norris wouldn’t open a door and take away someone’s knife. That’s a stupid move.

8. Normal: You were going to die anyway, too.
Psychopath: Because you were bribed.

Bribed? Who bribes someone to stay quiet while they murder their family with an undetermined number of members? What do you bribe them with? Oh, shit, wait, it was pudding, wasn’t it? No one mentioned pudding. That really throws a wrench in the works. Or, as Andreas would say, a “spanner.” I’m so starting to say that instead of wrench. It’s so much fancier.

9. Normal: Red, blue, orange, etc.
Psychopath: White, clear

YES. I FINALLY got one of these right. But why, though? Psychopaths only drink milk and water? Doctors RECOMMEND you only drink milk or water. They’re GOOD for you. Are all DOCTORS psychopaths?

I think I just got 2/9 or so on this. And that was with loading the answers on some of them.

Dammit. I am NEVER winning this, not ever. I cleared a spot on my shelf for the trophy and everything.

FINE. I know my limitations. I’ll just be over here grumping. DON’T MIND ME. I’m just TOTALLY NOT A PSYCHOKILLER, that’s all.


About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

32 responses to “Listen, what kind of weirdo uses a funeral to pick up men, anyway?

  • Patrick Smith (@Patrixmyth)

    1. Flipping me off. He’s a total dick.
    2. Starbucks clerk. My turn to order, finally.
    3. Iraq and Afghanistan. Not that uncommon these days.
    4. He hates playing Street Polo. I would be thrilled.
    5. I’m not going to kill him. Fuck you, I have free will.
    I block the door and take his TV.
    6. She was in the car when I ran into Grandma’s car.
    In my defense, I did tell her to buckle up.
    7. I Sign for the knife I ordered. About time, FedEx!
    8. I was a baby, duh! (this kinda happened to me, but on smaller scale)
    9. Caramel. Pepsi Generation!
    10. 42. There should have been a 10th question, just for symmetry.


    • lucysfootball


      I’m totally freaked out by your #8. I hope the scale was MUCH smaller! Yikes!

      You are NOT A PSYCHOPATH. Win! Or lose, depending on what you think is winning. Ken obviously thinks me wanting to win this is a bad thing. I think he might be wrong, but what do I know, he’s a very smart man.


  • doesmybumlookbiginthis

    THIS IS THE BEST POST EVER! I love tests to see if i’m crazy, ESPECIALLY psychopath tests even though i know i’m not a psychopath because … you know, i care and stuff. I got the 1st question right. As soon as that happened i was like “man, i’m crazy.” But luckily that was the only one.

    Also, number 5, wait outside the closet door – bloody hell, that’s like, horror movie stuff. I’d need the loo after about 15minutes, i’d be dead so fast xx

    P.s. I’m glad you’re not a psychopath :)


    • lucysfootball

      I’m also glad YOU’RE not a psychopath! I know, I’m secretly so obsessed with these tests. I take them whenever I’m bored. They’re the best. I even take the stupid ones. I take so many more than I even report on here. Shh. It’s my SECRET SHAME. Oh, wait, I just outed myself. Damn.


  • Michelle Hernandez (@willieburgscrap)

    That last question is high;y unfair and I protest mightily- the question said I was THIRSTY- coca cola is for pizza!
    The other ones only prove I have a short attention span (the person in front of me was a random stranger- HELLO! Nice to meet you!) and DUH! if the house owner hides in the closet I set fire to the closet door- I’m a thief right? Why not just take it to the next completely totally unrealistic for my mousy self level? :)


    • lucysfootball

      I didn’t think until today – “white” beverages are in vending machines? I’m not buying milk from a vending machine. You just know that would be sour.

      NICE. I didn’t even THINK of fire! Good one. +1 psychopathy!


  • Rich Crete

    Rich scored: epic fail
    #1) The motion the killer made with his finger was pulling the trigger, shooting my ass dead, under the strict “no witnesses” policy, held by bad guys everywhere.
    The rest of the test was rendered irrelevant because I’m all dead and therefore unable to answer.


  • elaine4queen

    jon ronson wrote a book called the psychopath test. the interviews with him and reviews of the book were good, so i though the book would be really gripping, but it wasn’t.

    i don’t know. maybe it was me. or maybe i don’t like my psychopaths mediated by jon ronson.


  • lahikmajoe

    I’m really tired from the first day of hell week, but wanted to say one thing:

    this is humorous – that you so desperately want to win a psychopath test, but…


    why do you want to win a psychopath test? Really.

    It’s probably for the sake of all the funny. Yes, that’s it. All the funny.


    • lucysfootball


      Oh, here. I looked up a motivational quote for you:

      “SUCCESS is not an accident.”

      I don’t know why SUCCESS is in all-caps. But it’s totally motivational, right? Also, it makes sure if you’re driving, you’ll buckle up and not talk on your phone. NO ACCIDENTS. ONLY SUCCESS.

      Shit. This was the worst. I’ll do better tomorrow.

      (Would it make you feel better if I tell you it’s all for the funny that I want to win a psychopath test? Then YES. YES IT’S ALL FOR THE FUNNY. Don’t you feel better? Thought you might.)


  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    For number three I was thinking France and Germany (I am reading Losing Julia, part of which is set during WWII.) I get the psychopath +1 for the legless kid. I think 1/9th psychopath is about right for me. You might be pathologically competitive, does that comfort you?


    • lynnettedobberpuhl

      Whoops, Losing Julia was set partly in WWI, not WWII. Duh.


    • Mer

      Yes, high-five. I am your partner in 1/9th psychopathery with the legless kid answer.


      • lucysfootball

        You GOT the legless kid answer? I am in AWE. That is an amazing answer! I don’t think that makes you a psychopath! I think that makes you BRILLIANT! And SO FUNNY! Huzzah!


    • lucysfootball

      You’re the second person who said countries. That’s OBVIOUSLY the right answer. Why didn’t the test say that was the right answer? I’m doubting this test right now.

      I am TOTALLY psychologically competitive! (But only for humor’s sake. In real life? I let people win all the time, because I’d rather see someone else’s joy in winning than experience it myself. So I guess that makes me psychopathically…a martyr? I don’t know what that means.)

      Wait, you got the legless kid, too? You GUYS! You are both the smartest! I would never have come up with that one and it made me laugh SO HARD!


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I can’t condone these psychopath tests; they seem highly suspect to me.

    So: good job not being a psychopath, even though these tests wouldn’t be able to prove either one or the other. Keep to the Canadian Readers Digests ones, I think.


    • lucysfootball

      Oh, shit. And you’re my Science Fellow, too. Dammit. I’m screwed. Well, I guess, one point for me; if the tests are suspect, maybe I DID win them, after all!

      Yeah, the Canadian Reader’s Digest one was pretty good. Those tricky Canadians! Very good at diagnosing psychopathery!


  • jbrown3079

    We talked about this on Twitter. If there is no fitness portionof the test, I don’t think it is a comprehensive test. Sure you can prove you have the capacity to be stabby, but disposing of the body, now that would take some upper body strength.
    I really enjoy how your dad plays along. Does he prefer the eyeroll or the slow shake of the head?


  • davidjfuller

    All I can say is I was also proud to have figured out the boy was unhappy with the presents because he had no legs — DUH! — until I realized this made me 1/9 a psychopath. But really, what psychopath designs a test question in which a little kid is unhappy at getting two fantastic, normal, go-outside-and-play gifts? Echoing you, I say: there’s your psychopath, the person conducting the test.


  • sj

    The one about the veteran, I was totally picturing this:


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