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That’ll do, pig. That’ll do. WAIT, DON’T IMPALE ME ON YOUR TUSKS!

So the BFF sent me a message the other day. That’s always a happy thing. Listen, you people have your alcohol or your drugs or your sex or whatever; I have MESSAGES FROM THE BFF. Also the alcohol.

OH SHIT SIDE NOTE. It’s such an important side note that I put it in its own paragraph. Listen, I can’t even HAVE alcohol for TWELVE DAYS right now. I KNOW. Please let’s have a moment of silence for this situation. I went to see Dr. Ernie yesterday and he put me on antibiotics that he thinks will make me less ouchy, maybe, and one of the side effects is VERY VIOLENT VOMITING if you drink alcohol. Including cough medicine. And, according to the pharmacist, I can’t even GARGLE WITH MOUTHWASH while taking this stuff. I know, right? This stuff is NOT screwing around. Also Dr. Ernie gave me painkillers that are the size of a house. What, I’m totally not exaggerating, they ARE. OK, fine, you caught me. Not a LITERAL house. But they’re the size of a jumbo multivitamin. That seems excessively large. I just took one. Let’s see what happens. I’m hoping it’ll make my lower half cease to exist.

ANYWAY. Message from the BFF. It said, “OMG watch out for the sex-crazed wild boars!!!” with a link.

Then All Over Albany blogged about them, too.

Well, you KNOW I had to investigate THIS. I mean, this is right up my alley. Weird animal shit AND sex. I mean, seriously. It’s like it’s a story MADE for me. And it’s IN NEW YORK YOU GUYS ZOMG.

It's like Babe, only kind of a lot more nightmare-inducing.

Now, the Gawker link was all misleading and made me think there would be a lot of sex, drugs, and rock and roll in this pig story, kind of a Charlotte’s Web meets Sid and Nancy situation, you know, with instead of “Some Pig” in the web it would say “Bite Me Asshole” but it really wasn’t all that at all. Gawker, you make me exhausted. Don’t even think I forgot about that time one of your other publications was mean to the adorable Magic: The Gathering player who I still would totally date in a minute flat. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT SHIT GAWKER.

So because I have wild Google-fu (and also because Gawker helpfully included the link in their article) I read the New York Times article about the situation. MUCH BETTER THANK YOU.

So, in Peru, New York (I have a cousin who lives in Peru. I like him very much. He TOTALLY MET BILL CLINTON. No, seriously. He has a photo of the situation and everything. He’s kind of my hero. He and my dad get INTO it, whoo! See, Cousin J. is the most democratty Democrat you’ll ever meet. Dad is…well, not. But they like each other very much. When they get together – BAM ZAP ZOWIE! It is a sight to see. There are raised VOICES! And LOUD NOISES! Also, Cousin J. is the one that told me that I’m totally not a cabbage patch foundling baby, that my dad’s mom’s side of the family, going back to the land that time forgot, have ALWAYS been Democrats. WHOO was my dad mad when he found out Cousin J. told me that! He did NOT want that becoming public knowledge, let me tell you. So of course I’ve been telling everyone and rubbing it in my dad’s face ever since. As I do) which is not to be confused with the COUNTRY Peru because that would just be stupid, there is this OUT OF CONTROL feral pig population. The feral pigs (also known as wild boars, doesn’t that sound even MORE badass?) are eating all the crops and also some ANIMALS, MAN but they are the meanest and most ravenous, and they have RAZOR-SHARP TUSKS, and they have ALL THE SEX and have these huge litters of wee baby wild piglets, and listen to THIS! They can weigh up to THREE HUNDRED POUNDS. WHOA MOMMA that is a lot of pork! YUM.

“They are the most destructive mammal out there,” said Ed Reed of the Department of Environmental Conservation. He ALSO said, “I don’t know if I’ve ever worked with an animal this smart.”

(One time Andreas told us in my comments that pigs were very smart. I of course believed him. I believe everything Andreas tells me. What’s the point of having a Science Fellow if you don’t believe him when it comes to science facts? None. It would be pointless. And now look! The guy from the DEC agrees! We knew that fact HERE at Lucy’s Football FIRST, Mr. Reed, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it!)

They’re shooting them and trapping them with “doughnuts laced with Jell-o powder” (I’m a little confused by this…why not just DOUGHNUTS? Why add the Jell-o powder? Is this like an irresistible treat to wild boars? Something their local Piggly Wiggly doesn’t carry? I’M SORRY I COULDN’T RESIST) and yet they are still running amok and eating all the things and being all pig-like.

Listen, Peru’s only two and a half hours from me. And apparently, those pigs are SMART. I think it’s only a matter of time before they get here. I need to be prepared. I really, really, REALLY like meat items we can get from pigs. Like, probably more than anyone thinks is wise. So I’m kind of excited about this. I’m thinking I can get the drop on the pigs with a net-like apparatus when they’re distracted by Dumbcat, who will, without any prodding from me, get into some sort of foolish scrape like get his head stuck in a boot and go around all “Mreeeeow” trying to get it off by smacking it into things, and MAN will those pigs be all “What ho, my good man, what have we here?” because as the DEC guy above tells us, pigs are INTELLIGENT, and Dumbcat is…well…um…not…and it will entertain them, much as I find myself, an intelligent woman, thoroughly entertained by repeat viewings of Billy Madison. Then I will have ALL THE PORK AND SWINE-RELATED PRODUCTS I WANT, BABY. I might even share with some of you, if you’re really nice. SOME of you. SOME. You and you and you and…no, not YOU. YOU pissed me off the other day. I’m not TELLING you what you did, you should KNOW what you did. If you don’t know, I shouldn’t HAVE to tell you. UGH.

Then BFF (remember BFF? I mentioned him above. HI BFF) and I started talking about dolphin sex. What, this isn’t a thing YOU and YOUR BFF do? Well, it’s obvious you need a new BFF, I don’t know what to tell you. Mine’s off-limits. HANDS OFF MY BFF YOU GRABBY ASSHOLE.

This all started because Oh, Noa blogged about dolphin sex on her blog. Do you read Oh, Noa? Well, why not. Seriously, you’re causing me a lot of mental anguish today, you. She is HILARIOUS. I can’t even.

OK, so if you’re squeamish, or human, probably stop reading.

Now that it’s just us weirdos:

Seductive temptress. PUT ON SOME CLOTHES, DAMN.

So this dude – a “famed bestiality expert” – QUITE the claim to fame! – says he had a nine-month consensual sexual relationship WITH A DOLPHIN.

I know, I know. It’s another Gawker link. I think Gawker’s taking over the world. I’m not happy about it either.

He apparently had ALL THE SEX. With a DOLPHIN. Who totally told him it was ok, because she INITIATED THE SEXUAL CONTACT. “She began raking her teeth lightly against my arms and legs which was indescribably erotic. Some might find it frightening, I found it erotic.”

SHE WAS TRYING TO EAT YOU. SHE DID NOT WANT YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. YOU WEIRDO MCWEIRDERSON PERV.

But do NOT worry. He and the dolphin were in LOVE. Because “after we made love, the dolphin put her snout on my shoulder, embraced me with her flippers and we stared into each others’ eyes for about a minute.”

SHE WAS PROBABLY TRYING TO GET OVER THE FACT THAT SOME WEIRD WEIRDO JUST HAD SEX WITH HER, YOU WEIRD WEIRDO.

Also, I totally hate the phrase “made love” like with the fire of a million billion trillion SUNS I hate it so much. THIS IS NOT THE SEVENTIES.

So this big weird weirdo – who grew up in a sex cult and enjoys the peyote – wrote a damn BOOK about his sexual relationship with a damn DOLPHIN.

Please don’t buy the book. I’m not even linking to it here in the hope that none of you are even curious enough to buy it. Please don’t put any money in the big weird weirdo’s pocket. You know he’ll just use it to buy a llama to see what it’s like to stick his weiner in one of those.

LISTEN. The dolphin was not GIVING YOU THE EYE. You are a pervert and you are disgusting. You had SEX with an ANIMAL. And then you wrote a BOOK about it. What the hell is wrong with you, seriously? I don’t even know where to begin, here. If anyone needs an example why doing psychedelic drugs is NOT the smartest idea you’ve ever come across, SOMETIMES IT LEADS TO YOU SCREWING A DOLPHIN AND THINKING IT WAS CONSENTUAL.

I told this story to my favorite coworker this morning. I like telling her weird news because she gets the most shocked about things, so it is the most fun ever.

Me: So this guy had sex with a dolphin for nine months. He said it was consensual and the dolphin initiated it.
Coworker: WHAT? No. That can’t possibly be true. How did the dolphin initiate it?
Me: By seductively biting him.
Coworker: If a wild animal bites you, it’s not an invitation to have sex with it.
Me: I’d tend to agree. He also thought the he and the dolphin were in love. They’d gaze longingly into each other’s eyes.
Coworker: Was he a crazy person?
Me: I’m going to say yes, based on the sheer fact that he had sex WITH A DOLPHIN for nine months. And thought he and the dolphin were in a relationship. Also he liked to do all the peyote.
Coworker: I feel bad for the dolphin. That man should go to jail. That poor dolphin didn’t want that.
Me: Agreed. I saw a picture of him. I can’t imagine anyone wanted that, honestly.
Coworker: I wish this story was on The Today Show.
Me: I don’t think that would happen. Unless it was on that weird last hour with Kathy Gifford. I think she’d like to talk to the dolphin guy. She’d probably sing him a medley of dolphin songs to get him all reminiscing about his lost dolphin love.
Coworker: We should probably do some work now.
Me: Yeah, probably.
(Collective depressed sigh)

So anyway, enough about this perv who thinks dolphin sex is a good idea (IT IS NOT IN CASE YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING.) BFF has a chance to swim with the dolphins soon, but he said he wasn’t going to because they might eat him. I said I thought it might be a nice sexual adventure for him, you know? I don’t think he fell for it. That was a TEST, BFF. And you PASSED. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.

OK, so far today, we discussed wild boars run amok and we discussed really disgusting dolphin sex. We’ve got to end this on a high note.

Meet Samantha and Panda. THEY ARE INTERSPECIES FRIENDS.

They live in the Erie Zoo in Pennsylvania. (Jim, that is only approximately 2 hours from you, I expect you to go immediately, check this out, and report back. You can be our man on the street reporter about this. NO you don’t get a stipend. MAN are you demandy, or what? YOU GET TO SEE INTERSPECIES FRIENDS IN PERSON. I mean, YOU should pay ME for bringing this to your ATTENTION.)

Samantha’s partner died in 2005. She has been alone ever since. The zookeepers thought she should have a friend. She’s elderly, so a new gorilla was not a good choice. They slowly introduced Panda, a totally awesome black-and-white rabbit, into Samantha’s habitat.

It was almost an immediate friendship. Now they share food. Samantha pets Panda and scratches her under her chin. And they sit together, quietly, just enjoying each other’s company.

THIS IS THE BEST, RIGHT?

I know. It totally is.

We needed some sort of happy thing because that other stuff was either weird or totally the grossest. Sorry about that.

SAMANTHA AND PANDA SAAAVVEEEDD THE DAAAYYYY!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

26 responses to “That’ll do, pig. That’ll do. WAIT, DON’T IMPALE ME ON YOUR TUSKS!

  • sj

    1. I’m totally imagining you with a Rambo-like strap tied around your head as you hunt the wild boars foraging in your apartment. It’s a good look for you, you should keep it.

    2. ZOMG, THAT IS DISGUSTING! I wish I hadn’t clicked the link to read the article. I wish I could get rid of the image of him messing around with the dolphin while his girlfriend sat there. I wish I didn’t know that his book has FOUR STARS ON AMAZON RIGHT NOW! I also wish I didn’t know that HIS DAUGHTER DESIGNED THE COVER! This is…zomg, so gross! And the author is attacking people who give his book a bad review, it’s all really quite horrible. Ughhhhh, Amy! Why??????

    3. The same rules apply to gorillas as to other monkeys and whatnot. I am frightened of them. I’m afraid for that poor bunny.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ha! EXCELLENT. Wait, the pigs are IN my apartment? YIKES. I don’t know how they got up here. I always keep all my doors and windows locked. They ARE smart!

      I know, I KNOW, I didn’t even GO INTO the detail the article did about the dolphin, ew ew ew!!! I HAD to talk about it. FOR THE LOVE OF SCIENCE. Or ickiness. For the love of ickiness, I guess.

      I’m kind of creeped out by gorillas, too. And TOTALLY creeped out by all monkeys, so high-five on that. But that gorilla seems to love the bunny! I think it’ll be safe. Right? RIGHT? Eep.

      Like

      • sj

        I don’t know why the pigs are in your apartment, they just are. They were knocking all of your ish over and just generally being nuisance-y. I’m pretty sure they’re smart enough to figure out door knobs, didn’t you read Animal Farm?! Yes, definitely sleep with the deadbolt on and a chair under the knob. I just wouldn’t feel safe otherwise.

        I think the worst thing about the reviews for that guy’s book on amazon were the people who read it and liked it. “Oh, it’s such a beautiful love story!” I call shill! Or pervert. Or pervy shill.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Oh, you KNOW he made up profiles just to comment on his own book. Or there’s a large and vocal aquatic bestiality contingent out there who love to read, who knows?

          Dammit, pigs! Stop knocking my stuff over, seriously, that’s just RUDE!

          Like

  • CMTomaso

    I can’t believe you have family in Peru! My whole family is from Peru! My grandmother still lives there and probably taught your cousin in school. Weird small world! I’m totally calling her tonight to see what she knows about these pigs. I can only imagine the stories she is going to tell me…

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      This is VERY EXCITING! My cousin is some bigwig in local politics there, I think? I’m not sure what he does. I’ll have to ask my dad. Who probably won’t want to talk about it because “he’s a damn DEMOCRAT!”

      Hee! You have GOT to come back and tell us what your grandmother says about the pigs! I mentioned it to my mom tonight and she knew all about the pigs and how destructive they were. She also said they were attacking humans, though. I told her that the New York Times said that they were scared of humans and that wasn’t mentioned in the story and she said, “THEY ARE VICIOUS.” So I’m not sure if she made that up, or if she has the inside scoop.

      Like

      • CMTomaso

        So, I called my grandmother (BTW Nana says hi!) and she knew all about the pigs: told me all about the trouble that they are causing Rulf’s farm; assured me that I had been to Rulf’s before (not that I was arguing that -they have great cider doughnuts); thinks they are going to start a hunting party to get them cause “nothing else is working”. Then she changed the subject to her weekly bridge game. Too funny.

        Like

  • Mister Doctor Professor Susurrus M. Chiaroscuro, Esquire

    I was just IN Erie a couple weeks ago on my way to Syracuse. You couldn’t have told me THEN?

    You know another example of interspecies friendship? Pet ownership. My neighbors have dogs. I get to see it in person every day. Somedays i even get to pick their dog’s shit off my lawn.

    Magical!

    Like

    • lahikmajoe

      Wait Jim, you get to pick up someone else’s dog’s poop? Really?

      That’s somehow altruistic of you, isn’t it? You are an interspecies friend. Look at you.

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        I know, can’t you imagine Jim just walking around all, “Hey, there’s some! I’LL GET IT!” and swooping in to pick up the poop? We should get him an Interspecies Friend t-shirt.

        Like

    • lucysfootball

      You WERE? And you didn’t take that opportunity to go to the ZOO? SHAME ON YOU! You shouldn’t need me to tell you about the zoo, Jim. YOU SHOULD JUST ALWAYS GO TO ZOOS.

      Ugh, not magical. Can you pick it off your lawn and throw it back onto theirs? OH! Or make a flaming BAG of poo like in old movies, that always looked hilarious! Or maybe felonious, I forget which.

      Like

  • Rich Crete

    Ok so double small world. I lived in Peru from age 5-18. Peru
    High class of ’80. We never had any wild pigs back in the day, though. But remember tangent girl? Totally a Peruvian.

    I’m not easily creeped out but this whole dolphin thing sure did it. Don’t do that anymore, K?

    Like

  • lahikmajoe

    I’ve never been to Peru. Neither in South America nor in New York. And I have no intention of going. Not now, anyway.

    Am I the only one here who wants to here the dolphin’s perspective in all of this? Dolphins are smart. Let’s let her have her say.

    Oh, on another topic:

    Why doesn’t anyone ever consider the children?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Someday when you International Man of Mystery your way to Albany for some reason I can’t even begin to imagine but I’m sure SOMEONE could be convinced to write a kickass story about it with VERY LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT AT ALL we’ll be sure to avoid Peru. I honestly haven’t been since I was young. I think the last time I was there I was small enough to comfortably ride a Sit n’ Spin. It’s been years since that was the case. So…I’m thinking 35 years, or something?

      I think the dolphin wants to forget this all happened, don’t you?

      What children are we considering? This pervert’s children? Or the human/dolphin hybrid children he probably had with the dolphin that I’m sure we could read about if we got his book? OR the children that might stumble upon this blog and be all MY EYES MY EYES?

      We should probably consider them all. Good point.

      Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    San Diego Zoo! Interspecies friends! Cheetahs are matched up with dogs and they are the best of friends! It was one of my high points there: the keeper was bringing food in to the enclosure for the cheetah, and while it ate, the keeper and the cheetah’s dog friend stood by at a respectful distance from each other until it was done eating, and then–playtime! No carnage at all. Here is a blog about it: http://blogs.sandiegozoo.org/2009/10/09/cheetah-and-dog-pals/

    As for bestiality…never mind, I can’t speak to it. It is so far outside my capacity for understanding, I can’t even be bothered to say anything more than Ewwwwww.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aw! MORE interspecies friends! I hope when I go to the zoo in Florida in May there are some sort of interspecies friends. They are my FAVORITES.

      I know. It’s the grossest to me, too. Bestiality, I mean, Not interspecies friends, of course, which are awesome. I can’t even wrap my mind around bestiality. Nor do I want to. Ugh.

      Like

  • handflapper

    Abort! ABORT! Do NOT let BFF swim with the dolphins! They are RAPERS. RAPERS of the SEA. I saw it on King of the Hill, which in my opinion, was by far the most realistic program on television despite its characters being cartoons.

    Also with the pigs? No, no, NO. Have you not see Old Yeller? Old Yeller and Travis almost got KILLED doing the very same thing you propose to do. Also, you should not eat pigs. PIgs ARE smart. Eating a pig would be like eating a dolphin, and you know how badly eating dolphins is frowned upon.

    I don’t know what to say about the gorilla and the rabbit. The great apes in zoos make me a little sad. They are also smart, and I don’t think they like being ogled by humans all day, every day.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Rapers of the SEA? Well, THAT’S worrisome. I think he wasn’t going to, anyway, but BFF! If you are reading, DO NOT SWIM WITH DOLPHINS! I don’t want you to be molested in the ocean!

      I avoided Old Yeller because someone told me how it ended and I didn’t want to put myself through that. Old Yeller and Travis tried to trap a wild pig, too? Boy, a lot more went on in that movie than I was aware of!

      I know, I know, I shouldn’t eat a lot of meats. But I love meat. And I am super-picky about food, to the point that, if I cut the meat out of my diet, I would most likely starve to death and die. It’s a conundrum.

      Most animals at the zoo probably hate being stared at. We were discussing that on Twitter when Ken went to the zoo last week – how much we all LOVE the zoo, but how we feel AWFUL about loving the zoo, because it’s animal prison, you know?

      Like

  • blogginglily

    I try to stay on good terms with them despite the fact that sometimes Rocko’s leavings find their way to the middle of my lawn. Their son is Emma’s age and he’s BIG and a good kid. I want him around to beat the shit out of any kids that mess with her at school.

    But honestly I usually just holler over at them when they’re playing in the cul-de-sac. . . “HEY NICK! Your dog left something for you in the middle of my lawn” and he takes care of it. (Nick is the son. . . it’s his dog)

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I don’t want to throw a spanner in the works, and being confined to my phone sort of limits my ability to do research, but as your Science Fellow I feel it’s my duty to point out that dolphins do occasionally have recreational sex with other species, sometimes even with humans. I don’t know if nibbling is part of dolphin foreplay, but I know that if a dolphin would want to really bite you, you’d be aware (if nothing else from the open bleeding wounds left behind).

    So apart from the ick-factor (which is substantial), the story could well be true, although no doubt embellished by the author.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      What’s a spanner? I’m totally curious about this spanner situation. Is it a fancy wrench?

      Interspecies SEX, Andreas? I don’t like this ONE LITTLE BIT. Dolphins are PERVS? Ew ew ew EW.

      Interspecies FRIENDS I’m totally down with but interspecies SEX I am NOT AT ALL DOWN WITH.

      (It is totally your duty as Science Fellow to point these things out. I’ve missed you like a crazy person.)

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Yes, a spanner is indeed what you colonials call a wrench.

        And yes, dolphins are a bit pervy, unfortunately. And they can be quite violent as well. Sorry to shatter any illusions.

        (Aw, thank you! I really am ok. I’m currently writing a blog post about our close escape.)

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          That is the first time I’ve ever been called a colonial. I like it very much. It makes me feel like I came over on the Mayflower and have a fancy hat.

          Oh, DOLPHINS. Why so pervy? That DID shatter my illusions.

          I can’t wait to read that post. In today’s post (not the one I’m commenting on right now, obviously) you know how I mentioned how much I freaked out because Ken almost died except not really over the bomb? Imagine that times FIFTY when I woke up and saw you’d been in a fire the other morning. I WAS SO WORRIED ANDREAS.

          Like

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