So the BFF sent me a message the other day. That’s always a happy thing. Listen, you people have your alcohol or your drugs or your sex or whatever; I have MESSAGES FROM THE BFF. Also the alcohol.
OH SHIT SIDE NOTE. It’s such an important side note that I put it in its own paragraph. Listen, I can’t even HAVE alcohol for TWELVE DAYS right now. I KNOW. Please let’s have a moment of silence for this situation. I went to see Dr. Ernie yesterday and he put me on antibiotics that he thinks will make me less ouchy, maybe, and one of the side effects is VERY VIOLENT VOMITING if you drink alcohol. Including cough medicine. And, according to the pharmacist, I can’t even GARGLE WITH MOUTHWASH while taking this stuff. I know, right? This stuff is NOT screwing around. Also Dr. Ernie gave me painkillers that are the size of a house. What, I’m totally not exaggerating, they ARE. OK, fine, you caught me. Not a LITERAL house. But they’re the size of a jumbo multivitamin. That seems excessively large. I just took one. Let’s see what happens. I’m hoping it’ll make my lower half cease to exist.
ANYWAY. Message from the BFF. It said, “OMG watch out for the sex-crazed wild boars!!!” with a link.
Then All Over Albany blogged about them, too.
Well, you KNOW I had to investigate THIS. I mean, this is right up my alley. Weird animal shit AND sex. I mean, seriously. It’s like it’s a story MADE for me. And it’s IN NEW YORK YOU GUYS ZOMG.
Now, the Gawker link was all misleading and made me think there would be a lot of sex, drugs, and rock and roll in this pig story, kind of a Charlotte’s Web meets Sid and Nancy situation, you know, with instead of “Some Pig” in the web it would say “Bite Me Asshole” but it really wasn’t all that at all. Gawker, you make me exhausted. Don’t even think I forgot about that time one of your other publications was mean to the adorable Magic: The Gathering player who I still would totally date in a minute flat. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT SHIT GAWKER.
So because I have wild Google-fu (and also because Gawker helpfully included the link in their article) I read the New York Times article about the situation. MUCH BETTER THANK YOU.
So, in Peru, New York (I have a cousin who lives in Peru. I like him very much. He TOTALLY MET BILL CLINTON. No, seriously. He has a photo of the situation and everything. He’s kind of my hero. He and my dad get INTO it, whoo! See, Cousin J. is the most democratty Democrat you’ll ever meet. Dad is…well, not. But they like each other very much. When they get together – BAM ZAP ZOWIE! It is a sight to see. There are raised VOICES! And LOUD NOISES! Also, Cousin J. is the one that told me that I’m totally not a cabbage patch foundling baby, that my dad’s mom’s side of the family, going back to the land that time forgot, have ALWAYS been Democrats. WHOO was my dad mad when he found out Cousin J. told me that! He did NOT want that becoming public knowledge, let me tell you. So of course I’ve been telling everyone and rubbing it in my dad’s face ever since. As I do) which is not to be confused with the COUNTRY Peru because that would just be stupid, there is this OUT OF CONTROL feral pig population. The feral pigs (also known as wild boars, doesn’t that sound even MORE badass?) are eating all the crops and also some ANIMALS, MAN but they are the meanest and most ravenous, and they have RAZOR-SHARP TUSKS, and they have ALL THE SEX and have these huge litters of wee baby wild piglets, and listen to THIS! They can weigh up to THREE HUNDRED POUNDS. WHOA MOMMA that is a lot of pork! YUM.
“They are the most destructive mammal out there,” said Ed Reed of the Department of Environmental Conservation. He ALSO said, “I don’t know if I’ve ever worked with an animal this smart.”
(One time Andreas told us in my comments that pigs were very smart. I of course believed him. I believe everything Andreas tells me. What’s the point of having a Science Fellow if you don’t believe him when it comes to science facts? None. It would be pointless. And now look! The guy from the DEC agrees! We knew that fact HERE at Lucy’s Football FIRST, Mr. Reed, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it!)
They’re shooting them and trapping them with “doughnuts laced with Jell-o powder” (I’m a little confused by this…why not just DOUGHNUTS? Why add the Jell-o powder? Is this like an irresistible treat to wild boars? Something their local Piggly Wiggly doesn’t carry? I’M SORRY I COULDN’T RESIST) and yet they are still running amok and eating all the things and being all pig-like.
Listen, Peru’s only two and a half hours from me. And apparently, those pigs are SMART. I think it’s only a matter of time before they get here. I need to be prepared. I really, really, REALLY like meat items we can get from pigs. Like, probably more than anyone thinks is wise. So I’m kind of excited about this. I’m thinking I can get the drop on the pigs with a net-like apparatus when they’re distracted by Dumbcat, who will, without any prodding from me, get into some sort of foolish scrape like get his head stuck in a boot and go around all “Mreeeeow” trying to get it off by smacking it into things, and MAN will those pigs be all “What ho, my good man, what have we here?” because as the DEC guy above tells us, pigs are INTELLIGENT, and Dumbcat is…well…um…not…and it will entertain them, much as I find myself, an intelligent woman, thoroughly entertained by repeat viewings of Billy Madison. Then I will have ALL THE PORK AND SWINE-RELATED PRODUCTS I WANT, BABY. I might even share with some of you, if you’re really nice. SOME of you. SOME. You and you and you and…no, not YOU. YOU pissed me off the other day. I’m not TELLING you what you did, you should KNOW what you did. If you don’t know, I shouldn’t HAVE to tell you. UGH.
Then BFF (remember BFF? I mentioned him above. HI BFF) and I started talking about dolphin sex. What, this isn’t a thing YOU and YOUR BFF do? Well, it’s obvious you need a new BFF, I don’t know what to tell you. Mine’s off-limits. HANDS OFF MY BFF YOU GRABBY ASSHOLE.
This all started because Oh, Noa blogged about dolphin sex on her blog. Do you read Oh, Noa? Well, why not. Seriously, you’re causing me a lot of mental anguish today, you. She is HILARIOUS. I can’t even.
OK, so if you’re squeamish, or human, probably stop reading.
Now that it’s just us weirdos:
So this dude – a “famed bestiality expert” – QUITE the claim to fame! – says he had a nine-month consensual sexual relationship WITH A DOLPHIN.
I know, I know. It’s another Gawker link. I think Gawker’s taking over the world. I’m not happy about it either.
He apparently had ALL THE SEX. With a DOLPHIN. Who totally told him it was ok, because she INITIATED THE SEXUAL CONTACT. “She began raking her teeth lightly against my arms and legs which was indescribably erotic. Some might find it frightening, I found it erotic.”
SHE WAS TRYING TO EAT YOU. SHE DID NOT WANT YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. YOU WEIRDO MCWEIRDERSON PERV.
But do NOT worry. He and the dolphin were in LOVE. Because “after we made love, the dolphin put her snout on my shoulder, embraced me with her flippers and we stared into each others’ eyes for about a minute.”
SHE WAS PROBABLY TRYING TO GET OVER THE FACT THAT SOME WEIRD WEIRDO JUST HAD SEX WITH HER, YOU WEIRD WEIRDO.
Also, I totally hate the phrase “made love” like with the fire of a million billion trillion SUNS I hate it so much. THIS IS NOT THE SEVENTIES.
So this big weird weirdo – who grew up in a sex cult and enjoys the peyote – wrote a damn BOOK about his sexual relationship with a damn DOLPHIN.
Please don’t buy the book. I’m not even linking to it here in the hope that none of you are even curious enough to buy it. Please don’t put any money in the big weird weirdo’s pocket. You know he’ll just use it to buy a llama to see what it’s like to stick his weiner in one of those.
LISTEN. The dolphin was not GIVING YOU THE EYE. You are a pervert and you are disgusting. You had SEX with an ANIMAL. And then you wrote a BOOK about it. What the hell is wrong with you, seriously? I don’t even know where to begin, here. If anyone needs an example why doing psychedelic drugs is NOT the smartest idea you’ve ever come across, SOMETIMES IT LEADS TO YOU SCREWING A DOLPHIN AND THINKING IT WAS CONSENTUAL.
I told this story to my favorite coworker this morning. I like telling her weird news because she gets the most shocked about things, so it is the most fun ever.
Me: So this guy had sex with a dolphin for nine months. He said it was consensual and the dolphin initiated it.
Coworker: WHAT? No. That can’t possibly be true. How did the dolphin initiate it?
Me: By seductively biting him.
Coworker: If a wild animal bites you, it’s not an invitation to have sex with it.
Me: I’d tend to agree. He also thought the he and the dolphin were in love. They’d gaze longingly into each other’s eyes.
Coworker: Was he a crazy person?
Me: I’m going to say yes, based on the sheer fact that he had sex WITH A DOLPHIN for nine months. And thought he and the dolphin were in a relationship. Also he liked to do all the peyote.
Coworker: I feel bad for the dolphin. That man should go to jail. That poor dolphin didn’t want that.
Me: Agreed. I saw a picture of him. I can’t imagine anyone wanted that, honestly.
Coworker: I wish this story was on The Today Show.
Me: I don’t think that would happen. Unless it was on that weird last hour with Kathy Gifford. I think she’d like to talk to the dolphin guy. She’d probably sing him a medley of dolphin songs to get him all reminiscing about his lost dolphin love.
Coworker: We should probably do some work now.
Me: Yeah, probably.
(Collective depressed sigh)
So anyway, enough about this perv who thinks dolphin sex is a good idea (IT IS NOT IN CASE YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING.) BFF has a chance to swim with the dolphins soon, but he said he wasn’t going to because they might eat him. I said I thought it might be a nice sexual adventure for him, you know? I don’t think he fell for it. That was a TEST, BFF. And you PASSED. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.
OK, so far today, we discussed wild boars run amok and we discussed really disgusting dolphin sex. We’ve got to end this on a high note.
Meet Samantha and Panda. THEY ARE INTERSPECIES FRIENDS.
They live in the Erie Zoo in Pennsylvania. (Jim, that is only approximately 2 hours from you, I expect you to go immediately, check this out, and report back. You can be our man on the street reporter about this. NO you don’t get a stipend. MAN are you demandy, or what? YOU GET TO SEE INTERSPECIES FRIENDS IN PERSON. I mean, YOU should pay ME for bringing this to your ATTENTION.)
Samantha’s partner died in 2005. She has been alone ever since. The zookeepers thought she should have a friend. She’s elderly, so a new gorilla was not a good choice. They slowly introduced Panda, a totally awesome black-and-white rabbit, into Samantha’s habitat.
It was almost an immediate friendship. Now they share food. Samantha pets Panda and scratches her under her chin. And they sit together, quietly, just enjoying each other’s company.
THIS IS THE BEST, RIGHT?
I know. It totally is.
We needed some sort of happy thing because that other stuff was either weird or totally the grossest. Sorry about that.
SAMANTHA AND PANDA SAAAVVEEEDD THE DAAAYYYY!