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Because you’re lonely. Because it’s New Year’s Eve. Because you’ve given up.

I saw a lovely movie this weekend. I don’t want to say what it was, because this is going to spoil it. Some of you that follow me on Twitter already know what I saw, though, so sorry for spoiling. Although, it’s not much of a spoiler. I think you knew, five minutes into it, what the final outcome was going to be.

Sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself, here.

I saw a lovely movie this weekend. I laughed, and I cried, and I really enjoyed it. Here, I will link to its IMDb page. Only click if you want to be spoiled. That’s a happy medium, right? Right. Good. It was a really good movie, though, seriously. High recommendation. ALL THE HOT MEN HAPPENED.

It was a romantic comedy, more realistic than most, so I appreciated that. The people weren’t cookie-cutter. Good. Thanks. Appreciated. Some people were assholes. Some people fought. Some situations didn’t end up wrapped in a pretty little bow.

Then, of course, as most of these movies do, the inevitable happened.

The male and female best friends fell madly in love and rode off into the sunset. Well, the proverbial sunset. There was no sunset. But you know what I mean.

Now, I know. I KNOW. This does happen for some people. I don’t know if it was on here I mentioned this before, or on Twitter, or Facebook – somewhere? And I got a few responses from people saying “oh, no, it’ s not a Hollywood falsehood, it really happens, I personally married my best friend because one day I just looked at him and realized he was the one, all along.” I know I talked about this once, many moons ago, back when I was on buggy-as-hell-Blogger. (Speaking of which, last night when I wrote this I updated that post, because Blogger, as always, effed up the formatting. Well, WordPress, because it does that, sent out the link to everyone as if I’d just written it. So, sorry people, who thought I wrote a new post at 9pm last night. It was from July. And sorry if this looks like I’m going where I’ve gone before. It kind of is, and kind of isn’t. I guess it’s expanding upon that post, to some extent. Also, I’m all in a lather. AGAIN. Because of this movie I watched yesterday. And isn’t there a statute of limitations on topics? I blogged about that 8 months ago. I’m allowed to cannibalize it now, right?)

Well, that’s great. I’m glad that works out, sometimes. I really am. I’m just a little more skeptical than that.

I seem to have more male friends than female ones. This is not because I dislike women. The reason is two-fold: one, because I tend to get along with men better, because I’m kind of a tomboy and because I’m kind of totally geeky and because growing up I had very little in the way of strong female role models so I learned most of my social interaction skills from men so I’m more comfortable with them. And two, because I was cruelly bullied from a very young age by a large clique of mean girls at my school (think The Plastics from Mean Girls, only with very tall 80s hair and a lot, lot meaner) so I never quite got over my mistrust of women. I know it’s irrational and I know it’s stupid and I know it’s holding me back. I’m working on it. I really am. I currently have more female friends in my life than I think I’ve had in my entire lifespan combined, if that means anything. I think that indicates growth.

Anyway. More male friends than female ones. I promise I have a point here. The point is this: I don’t fall in love with them. I also don’t turn around one day and say, “ZOMG! There he IS! THE ONE! Whaaaaat? He’s been under my nose all along!” You know why I don’t do this? Because I have NO SQUISHY FEELINGS FOR MY FRIENDS. None. Zip. Zero. Nada.

I love my friends. To the point of distraction, actually. But it’s not romantic love. Is it throw-myself-in-front-of-a-train-for-them love? Yep. Absolutely it is. It takes you a while to get there (except randomly people that jump to the front of the queue, I can’t explain my weird heart or the way it works), but once you’re there, you’re there. And I would throw myself in front of a train for you. I would (ugh, and I hate this) HELP YOU MOVE TO A NEW APARTMENT. I would cat-sit for you. I would babysit for your emo pre-teen. I totally would do these things for you, if I loved you, and you were my friend.

I would NOT take off my clothes and have naked time with you. This is not a thing I would do. No no no. Because it would be, to quote Lorraine from Back to the Future, “Oh ….. I don’t know what it is, but when I’m kissing you, it’s like I’m kissing… my brother.” If I know someone well enough to help them move their porn collection across town or to have nursed them through a hangover or the flu or whatever, I am not immediately switching over to “hey, check out my titties” mode, you know?

Why is this the thing in movies? Is this what we all want? Or, at least, is it what Hollywood THINKS we all want?

Now, listen, I’m not saying people should fall in love with their enemies. Don’t be absurd! Of course you want to fall in love with someone you LIKE, someone you have an affinity toward, someone you have similarities to, etc. Of course you want that. But your best friend? Or at least a close friend? Like in so many movies? I can’t see that working. I just can’t. So why does Hollywood keep doing it? Why do we want to SEE it so badly? Because they wouldn’t keep making these movies if we didn’t want to see it happen.

There’s friend zone, and there’s romantic zone, and never the twain shall meet. No, that’s not true. The twain are meety. You can, and should, be friends with whoever you’re bedding down with. Of course you should! Both before and during the relationship. But best friends for years, then BAM THE SCALES FELL FROM MY EYES and NOW I LOVE HIM OR HER?

Come on, seriously?

Do you know what it seems like to me? Giving up.

Here’s the thing. You already know your best opposite sex friend very well. And he or she knows YOU very well. They know your quirks, the weird things about you that you worry about telling people, the things that you think might make a potential mate go run for the hills. And they still like you. So one day you think, hey, listen, Bob (I made up the name Bob, I don’t know a Bob. Well, no. That’s not true. I know a Bob. I don’t think he knows how to use the internet. That’s safe, then. I can use the name Bob. Sorry, Bob, if I underestimated you and you know how to use the internet. This isn’t about you) knows all my things, and Bob still likes me. And he’s not disgusting-looking. And we’re both single. Maybe Bob and I should give it a go!

NO YOU SHOULD NOT.

Do you value your friendship with Bob? Do you really? Because if you do, DON’T SLEEP WITH BOB. Have you ever heard the saying “don’t shit where you eat?” It’s a SAYING for a REASON.

It’s going to go one of two ways, most likely, except for the very few situations where people told me they did actually marry their pre-romance BFFs. And yay, you guys, I still think the whole thing’s hinky, though. Think about it, those people out there: were you really BFFs? For years? Or did you always have the sneaking suspicion in the back of your mind that you might have a thing for him or her? I’m guessing it’s the latter. I’m looking at the relationships that went from purely platonic to completely coupley right now.

(I know, I know. “AMY! I fell in LOVE with my BEST FRIEND!” Awesome. Actually, I would love to hear from people who DID fall in love with their best friends, because it would make me feel like Hollywood isn’t pulling these movies out of their asses. Also, I like true-life love stories. I like to cry over real things. TELL ME YOUR LOVE STORIES COMMENTERS.)

Here’s the two ways:

1. You sleep with Bob (or Roberta, whatever) and you start a relationship and think THIS IS AWESOME and then the real world crashes in and you realize you were just friends for a REASON. All this together time is INSANE. You don’t even find him or her that ATTRACTIVE. And you always hated the way he or she treated her significant others. And you feel smothered because you know each other so well. So you break up, and not only did you lose your relationship, you lost your BFF. Double suck.

2. You sleep with Bob or Roberta and it is HORRIBLE. You can’t look each other in the eye the next day. You wonder what the hell you were thinking. You’ve lost both your dignity AND your BFF. One and a half sucks.

And, if you think you can just spill your undying love for Bob (or Roberta):

You walk up to Bob or Roberta. You tell them you love them. You’ve always loved them. You will always love them. “Don’t You Forget About Me” plays in your head. Bob or Roberta leans close. This is it. This is your moment.

And Bob or Roberta tells you, nicely, they’ve never felt that way about you, but they treasure your friendship. (I TREASURE YOUR FRIENDSHIP, LISA! Sorry, watched Team America World Police this weekend. HOLY HELL PUPPET SEX SCENE. That is all.) You are embarrassed. You can’t look him or her in the eye ever again. Again, you’ve lost your dignity and your BFF. Also, you eat too much ice cream and emo all over your other friends. This is just totally embarrassing all around. Who looks good with cryface? No one, that’s who.

And, think about it. Are you sure you had romantic feelings for your BFF? Are you SURE? Or were you just tired of being alone, and didn’t want to have to get to know a new person all over again, and this seemed – well, easy? And he’s RIGHT THERE? And he’s cute enough, you know? And you KNOW him. It’s a TIME-SAVER.

We’ve all fallen prey to this, now and then. I know I have, when the Amy you see (fine, the Amy you READ, whatever) before you was a younger, less-wise, more idiotic and starry-eyed Amy. I still feel badly about the guys over the years I’ve decided were “the ones” and then come to find out it was just that I knew them, and it was comfortable, like an old shoe, more so than a romantic thing, and Hollywood duped me into thinking this was the way it was supposed to go and I was tired of being Forever Alone. I thought at the time they broke my heart. Come to find out they were being rational and I was being insane. (What? No, not ME.)

Listen, Hollywood. Enough with the When Harry Met Sally and The Switch and the Zack and Miri Make a Porno and the Some Kind of Wonderful and the Clueless (with the added layer of IT WAS HER BROTHER, EW) and Made of Honor and Reality Bites and movies of this ilk. I’ll give you 13 Going on 30, only because it seemed less forced, and she fell in love with him as an adult, and it was kind of a different situation. Also because Jennifer Garner was so damn cute and Mark Ruffalo was so Ruffalicious.

Do I like to watch them? Oh, shit, yeah, FINE, I’m a sap, I like anything sappy, I love a good cry in a dark movie theater. But I think we can do better. Let’s show it how it really is, once in a while. People falling in love with people who are NOT their best friends. People falling in love with people they meet, randomly, build a NEW friendship with, then a relationship. Can we have that, too? Because that actually would give me more hope than thinking one of my male friends was suddenly going to come up to me all, “Amy, listen, I woke up this morning and thought, I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU.” (Also, KISSING MY BROTHER. And I’d giggle like a crazy person, I wouldn’t be able to help it. Not at all.)

So, movie today? All the men of hotness. But also all the relationship of unrealistic expectations. And that kind of made me cranky. YES FINE it also made me cry. But so do effing M&Ms commercials lately. Me crying is not overly indicative of a hit, let me just tell you right now.

Let’s show things as they actually are? Friends being friends, lovers being lovers, people acting like people? I’d like that a lot. More so as I age. Because apparently the romantic dreamer in me is dwindling away as I get older.

Apparently Allison was right, and when you grow up, your heart dies. Well-played, John Hughes. WELL-PLAYED.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

31 responses to “Because you’re lonely. Because it’s New Year’s Eve. Because you’ve given up.

  • sj

    Didn’t marry my longtime BFF. Met my husband 5 months before we got married. Almost 14 years later, and he’s become by best friend, but he definitely didn’t start out that way.

    Like

    • lahikmajoe

      That sounds eerily similar to my story. My wife and I fought a lot early on and bicker to this day. I have no idea if that helps or not, but it is what it is.

      BFF? I don’t even think about it.

      I never thought I’d marry, but then I did. Not really sure how it happened.

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        I’m getting the feeling that most people are not, in face, contrary to Hollywood’s belief, married to their BFF-suddenly-turned-lover-one-day. What? Hollywood is WRONG about something? I know, it’s pretty shocking, let’s all take a breath.

        Like

      • sj

        I didn’t think I’d marry either. In fact, since every marriage I was around when I was growing up (other than my dad’s parents) fell apart, I was decidedly against marriage…until I met my future-husband.

        Like

    • lucysfootball

      WIN! Another point for the “Hollywood’s full of crap” column.

      Aw, I want to meet someone and marry them 5 months later! INTERNET! Make it so!

      Like

      • sj

        The way we met was a series of happy coincidences. I’d heard him on the local college radio station introducing his best friend’s band a month before we met. The night we met, I wasn’t even supposed to be there, but my other plans fell through…

        Like

  • willieburgscrapper

    I’ve done both- had the sexy time with a former bestie and that sucked because there was a reason for the “bestie” categorization. I could tell him to STFU when he was all the obnoxious and he would laugh but that TOTALLY stopped when he became the boyfriend. Plus his farting wasn’t funny anymore. Because he was doing it in bed. That was in college so it qualifies as a “growth experience” good for character building.
    Then I up and married my REAL bestie 3 years ago but it only took 2 months for me to promote him to boyfriend as I quickly realized he was the sexy bomb as well as the cool dude I could chill with so I agree those Hollywood flicks are full of it. Makes for a great story arc though.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      This helps with my point – both of your stories. The first proves that once you go from BFF to sexytimes it is NOT as easy as Hollywood would have you believe; the second proves that friends CAN get together, but not long-term BFFs, just people that are friendLY. YAY! I love points being made, I feel all fancified.

      They DO make for a good story. I always cry. Then I feel manipulated and used, like a Kleenex. DAMMIT HOLLYWOOD.

      Like

  • Rich Crete

    Finding the right person is very tricky. Sometimes other people see a good fit before even you do. For instance, I really thought you and Randy could have been something. (Or maybe I’m just bitter about spending the money on engraving “Amy and Randy Forevah” on the can of spray cheese I got for your wedding.)
    Just stay positive and never give up…and give special chances to all guys named Randy from now on so my thoughtfulness will not remain for naught.
    Thank you.

    Like

    • lahikmajoe

      ‘”Amy and Randy Forevah” on the can of spray cheese ‘? This is real, right? That can of spray cheese exists. Please tell me it does.

      Otherwise, I think we need to get Handflapper to get it made. Pronto.

      Like

    • lucysfootball

      I only know one person who’s actually named Randy but he’s out. He’s my dad’s age and I see him as an uncle. So, nope on the Randy situation. Also, I’d always be thinking of it in the Austin Powers, “Randy, baby!” voice. It wouldn’t end well. Sorry, I think your spray cheese was for naught. You could use it yourself. The cheese inside will still be tasty.

      I’ve kind of totally given up, except when I haven’t given up. Does that make sense? Like, I THINK I have, then I get squishy feelings for someone, then they go away for one reason or another, then I’m all, “I AM DONE WITH THIS GARBAGE,” then it happens again. But nothing ever comes of it. So I think we’re safe, you’re all stuck with Forever Alone me for a good long forever.

      Like

  • Handflapper

    You’re better than Dr. Phil. You should have a talk show. Really.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’d be awful at that. People would be CRYING and taking what I said SERIOUSLY and also I think I’d have to leave the house. But I think I’d have to be better than Dr. Phil. He’s really awful at advice. Also, he’s got this whiny tone to his voice that makes me want to shiv him with a pencil.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I really want to comment on this because it feels like I have strong opinions on the subject, but my head is all stuffy and I can’t think straight. Will have to come back a little later, I think.

    (Perhaps a little Sherlock will sharpen me up?)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aw, Andreas! I hope you’re better soon! Rest and tea and Vitamin C and soup!

      You can come back ANYTIME. The door is always open. (Well, except when it’s cold, or there are bugs that might get in. When it’s like that, just knock, I’ll let you in.)

      Sherlock WILL sharpen you up! YAY!

      Like

  • Em

    So I totally thought the July post was a recent post and I commented and everything because I don’t look at dates because why would I? But I did realize I could cannibalize from my comment there and it would fit here. So here that part is:

    I had the whole crush thing happen with a friend and it did not turn out well. (I was already out so I don’t know what exactly he thought was going to happen.) He ended up stealing my car. (Really.) Grand theft auto. So a: disrespect and b: thief. What’s not to love?

    Also it happened with someone else too and didn’t end in car theft but the whole thing was a train wreck as well. Utter disaster. Because whichever end of the I’m sorry I don’t feel that way about you conversation one is on, it sucks. If you’re the one doing the asking you end up emo cry-face and if you’re the one doing the rejecting you end up with your former bestie giving you dagger eyes and thinking and/or saying “you don’t think I’m good enough for you? you don’t think I’m lovable? you don’t think I’m worthy?” and the subtext gets more and more sarcastic and you have no idea whatthehelltodotomakeitbetter because it turns out there is nothing you can do. That line is permanently crossed.

    And there goes your best friend in the world. Walking away from you thinking you’re a giant ass. Which, you know, you may well be. But not because of this.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I KNOW! I’m so sorry. Stupid WordPress republishing everything I update as if it’s a new post. My apologies.

      In complete agreement – the friend crush-thingy is a bad situation all around. I’ve been on both ends of it and it’s never easy, and it’s never fun.

      Grand theft auto! Probably not fun at the time, but what a story NOW, right?

      Like

      • Em

        You know, I read somewhere (I wish I could remember who said it. Or where) about someone who decided to make choices in their life based on whether or not it would make a good story later.

        So you’re right, totally winning!

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        • lucysfootball

          I have to say I’m a bit guilty of that. I mean, not ALWAYS. But I have, since I started blogging, started going into things thinking, “Hmm. This seems like it might be foolish. But THINK of the STORY I could TELL on my BLOG!” :)

          Like

  • lahikmajoe

    You know…I love this blog. I know I come here frequently and we talk all the time on twitter, but sometimes it just must be said. There’s some comical stuff going on over here. You’re aware of that, right?

    This ‘what to do with a BFF’ dilemma isn’t going to be solved in a couple of blogposts. I think we’re not only lied to by rom coms, but by our subjective intellects, as well.

    I read something years ago that one of the things our brain does is go to great lengths to be right. Rationalising is somehow genetically predetermined. So…no matter what inane, ridiculous, bad idea your romantic sensibilities gets you into that your brain will come up with some momentarily believable story that makes it somehow less embarrassing.

    We’re essentially being completely bamboozled by our own brains, while we think that we’re somehow too smart to be bamboozled. It’s a vicious cycle my little cheese curd.

    A vicious cycle. One that rom coms only nurture.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aw, Ken. Thank you! This blog loves ALL your blogs right back. Tenfold. (I think I’m less aware of it than other people are. We never think we’re as funny as other people think we are. That’s good, probably. Because if I thought I was as funny as other people seem to think I am, probably I’d be walking around all doubled over in laughter all the time, right? That’d be embarrassing.)

      I think Andreas mentioned the rationalizing thing once. It makes so much sense. With a lot of things, but ESPECIALLY with romance. And most especially in my own life. I can’t even tell you – listen, you know how I’m totally oversharey? I haven’t even delved into the deepest depths of the embarrassment pool, romantically. And probably never will. It’s that bad. But at the time? Totally thought it all was a brilliant plan. One of those “we did it all for love” nonsensical things, I guess.

      Stupid brain fighting against even stupider heart.

      “My little cheese curd.” +1,000,000!

      Like

  • lahikmajoe

    Oh and the ‘When Harry Met Sally’ quote is so obvious no-one else has even bothered mentioning it.

    But I’m horrible at pop culture references, so I’ll just go ahead and grab the low-hanging fruit…that title’s from ‘When Harry Met Sally’. Duh…

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      How much do I love that YOU GOT A POP CULTURE QUOTE? And, AND, I didn’t quote it directly? I purposely changed it a little so it fit the post!

      Total win! If anyone else did it, I’d be all, “Eh, whatevs.” But you getting it! That’s like me making a three-pointer. WHOO-HOO!

      Like

  • anirrationalratio

    Yeah, while I love my best friend (who also happens to be female, yes), I don’t love her romantically, nor have I ever loved her romantically.
    ADDITIONALLY, we would be a horrible couple; we’re brilliant as friends but we’d be a shouty screamy death match!!!
    People have made the wrong assumption about us before (including a shrink at one point, which REALLY pissed me off). I don’t like it when people jumped to that conclusion, that somehow if we are of opposite genders that it has to be romantic.

    There are lots of things about romantic Hollywood movies that bug me. The ones where the bride-to-be falls for a freaken stranger who she met for six seconds, the perfectly easy to get over hurdles, that fact that even the “ugly” people are practically super models, basically anything that’s not realistic.
    Of course, that’s the whole point. Movies are escapes from real life, where the good guy wins and gets the girl, and the bad guy gets what’s coming to him. Or whatever.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      That’s me and BFF. Love him. LOVE him. Would, in a heartbeat, give him both of my kidneys, if needed. Don’t want to get all the naked with him, though.

      People don’t believe that men and women can be friends. I blame “When Harry Met Sally.”

      I know. Movies are escapist and aren’t supposed to be true. But I LIKE the ones that are true! I like the plays that are true, too. I’m a total realist. Sure, I like some escapism now and again. Who doesn’t? But I also like to see real life happening in front of me. It makes me feel like I’m a part of something bigger.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Relationships are hard. Obviously. Two people have to adjust their lives to fit together, and since humans by nature are more emotional than logical, compromises like that are bound to result in conflicts.

    I do agree with the point about laziness. Although perhaps it’s more about the fear of being alone? In that regard I feel privileged, as I spend a good few years on my own before getting together with my fiancée. As did she. This has at least given us the confidence that we can make it on our own, and that we don’t have to be together just to be with someone but rather be together because we want to. Which is something I’m very grateful for!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yes. You’re completely right. (But hell, Andreas, I don’t think I can think of a time when you haven’t been.) It’s probably a fear of being alone, more than laziness. Or maybe a little of both.

      You & your fiancée rock. I’m so happy for the both of you. I bet you’re just the best couple. Also, I bet you have the BEST dinner-table conversation. All about sciency-ness. Mine = me yelling at Dumbcat to stop knocking over the end table.

      Like

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