The Nephew’s in town. All bets are off.

OK, seriously. I have NO TIME TO WRITE THIS. None none none. I’m totally on a deadline here.

In approximately 11 hours, I WILL BE HANGING OUT WITH THE NEPHEW. That means I have about three hours TOTAL to finish this, get this posted and ready for tomorrow, and go to sleep. I know. I KNOW. How will I do it?

As you are reading this – RIGHT NOW – I am with the nephew. Hi, future-me! Are you having the best time? You totally are, right? How’s your hair look, pretty askew? Great, great, all things as usual, then.

The Nephew is in town until tomorrow at lunchtime. His mom called me and we’re getting together and possibly going to a toddler playland. I don’t know what that means. I think chaos. Right? Total and complete chaos? Wait, I’ll look the place up, let’s see what happens.

ZOMG the slogan of this place is “your child can either bounce off YOUR walls or OURS” (the ALL-CAPS are THEIRS not MINE like you probably thought they would be.) Although I appreciate the use of a good all-caps, this is a worry. Also, the name of the place is spelled strangely, and not in a “this is kooky! FOR THE CHILDREN!” kind of way. In a “I added extra letters by accident and we already printed a million business cards let’s just go with it” way. It’s like Chuck E. Cheese. There had better not be those scary-ass animatronic mice in there. Don’t EVEN think I won’t take photos of me mocking them and put them online if there are.

There are waterless waterslides (DANGEROUS!), a three-story ball pit (how is that even POSSIBLE? Also, DANGEROUS) and an indoor bounce house. I don’t think I’m allowed to bounce, am I? Shit, I’d be the best at bounce-housing. Oh, also, DANGEROUS. There are trampolines (DANGEROUS!) There is something where kids can climb like a spider (DANGEROUS!)

Oh, shit, wait, I just checked, those are for OLDER kids. There’s a whole zone for toddlers. The Nephew is definitely a toddler still. WHEW. I was so worried this would kill him dead. I wouldn’t enjoy that at all.

So anyway, I went to Target and thought, “I’ll get The Nephew some Matchbox cars.” He loves them, and I am not above buying his love. I’m not proud. Kiddo sees me three, four times a year tops. I want him to leave thinking, “DAMN but that insanely loud, frazzly-haired woman gives good door prizes.” There was a whole AISLE of Matchbox cars. Suddenly I realized The Nephew needed them all. No, not a couple. ALL OF THEM. I turned into a caricature of a person doing last-minute Christmas shopping. If anyone had come between me and those cars, I’m pretty sure I would have bitten them with my teeth and growled like a rabid puppy.

After stuffing my cart, I realized that at some point I probably would like a laptop since last night my computer stopped working completely, just dead dead dead. So I put most of them back. No, not all. MOST. I’m not a complete asshole, the kid needs gifts, sheesh. So he got like a huge multipack of cars, and an 18-wheeler with a car that goes into the back, and – BEST AUNT EVER – this car ramp thingamabobber that you suction-cup up in the bathtub, then put water in it and it SHOOTS THE CAR INTO THE TUB. Through a RING OF FLAME. Yeah, I’m serious. Oh, wait, no, it’s not real flame. It’ s a plastic ring. That looks like flame. He’s a toddler, he’ll still be impressed. Bathtub toys are FUN, you guys.

I totally wish I had an aunt like me when I was a kid. I would have appreciated the following: the insanity, the gift-giving prowess, the crazy-eyes of love.

Then I talked to The Nephew’s mom, and she told me the following story. The Nephew was eating some cookies with his grandmother and she asked, “Will you share those with me?” and he looked at her very seriously and said, “No. I will only share them with Aunt Amy.” WHAAAAAAAT?

See, have I not been telling you this is the best nephew in the history of nephews? I haven’t seen this kid since CHRISTMAS. Yet he will ONLY SHARE HIS DELICIOUS DESSERT ITEMS WITH ME. And I wasn’t even THERE! I’m like this awesome person that only lives in his head, waiting to share delicious cookies. I mean, I don’t even eat cookies, but whatever, he’s little, he doesn’t know my various food issues.

I’m not even ashamed to tell you that this a., brought tears to my eyes, and b., made me SO GLAD I bought all those cars. That kid deserves gifts for saying something that awesome. Or for just being the best thing to ever exist in the history of ever. And listen, I hate almost everyone so that’s really saying something.

OH, and his mom also told me that on the drive here, he got very frustrated he couldn’t read his book to himself so said, “Mom, you need to teach me to read right now.” (That made me tear up almost as much as the cookie situation. I would have taught him to read RIGHT THEN. He loves reading and books! He is SO MY NEPHEW!) So she said, “I’m driving right now, The Son, but we can say the alphabet!” So they did. Then he went back to his book. And a few seconds later he said, very disgusted, “MOM. I still can’t read this.” HA. I LOVE HIM MORE THAN DAIRY PRODUCTS.

So yeah, that’s tomorrow. I KNOW RIGHT? THEN, right after The Nephew time, it is scramble over to the movie theater to meet my friend C. time, to watch a movie and maybe have dinner. Then it’s get home in time to watch my programs time. SO MANY TIMES. Sunday is going to be hopping. This is like a year’s worth of social interaction for me, all rolled into one day. I might keel over and die. I can’t guarantee I won’t.

I have a million things to do in the meantime. Nails to paint. Dishes to wash. Cars to take out of their little cellophane coffins so The Nephew doesn’t asphyxiate and die trying to have fun. I know. THIS IS SO SHORT AMY WHAT THE HELL. Well, my little butterscotch buttons, I have my priorities. You’re pretty high up there. I’m not going to lie. But here’s a list of priorities. You’ll see how you fall:

Work (only because it pays my bills, not because I like doing it)
Online things like Twitter and Facebook and shit
Talking to my dad on the phone because he makes me laugh like a mor0n
Eating cheese products
Watching the penguin cam
Social interaction

So, as you can see, other than work (and that’s only because it pays for my internet and cell phone so I CAN blog), the only thing that trumps you all in my heart is The Nephew. Yep. You’ve all been beaten by a toddler. In his defense, he’s pretty tough. He headbutts like a mountain goat.

Happy Sunday! Enjoy your days! I’m going to be in Nephew-land, hooray!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

12 responses to “The Nephew’s in town. All bets are off.

  • Roz

    Children should ALWAYS be the priority. I had the best afternoon yesterday with a friend and her soon-to-be-1 daughter at Colonie Center. She likes books, and I was proud to add to her library. :)


  • Em

    Hurrah and huzzah for time with nephew and little metal cars. And blogging being a priority.

    Also, have you heard of fairy penguins? They’re about 12 to 14 inches tall. Here, look:

    Super adorable.


  • lahikmajoe

    What a lively post.

    He must be a character.

    You should keep all the references to him in a separate file, so that when he’s older you can give him a ‘this is what you were like as a kid’ memory.

    Of course in the future, that’ll all be cross-referenced on his Facebook page.

    *le sigh*


    • lucysfootball

      He was amazing. I’ll talk about it later this week. So funny & smart. And he remembered me! And loves me! *sigh*

      I’m sure I’ll tell him, at length, all about his childhood. Until he pleads with me to stop. But I won’t. That’s what kooky aunts are for! Embarrassment!


  • Handflapper

    Ha Ha! This is how my husband and I were about our nephews when they were toddlers. Now they’re asshole teenagers and it’s no fun buying them gifts because nothing they want costs less than $50 and they’re like locusts invading our house except really, really slow-moving locusts but still leaving a path of utter destruction in their wake. So now we’re all crazy about the Hellbaby and want to buy her all! the! things! and then all she’s interested in is the boxes the things came in and really, kids are just jerks most of the time.


    • lucysfootball

      Aw, I hope The Nephew doesn’t do this! No, he probably will. Teenagers are jerky. But since I’ll totally win aunting by then, I’ll just say, “Listen, The Nephew, shape the hell up RIGHT NOW.” And he’ll be all, “Sorry, Aunt Amy, for you I will.” Then we’ll have a serious talk about his future or something, I don’t know. I have GRAND PLANS for our awesome relationship as he grows up. Also, I plan on continuing to bribe him. That can’t ever hurt, right?


  • sj

    1. I laughed SO HARD at “I still can’t read this!” That sounds like something one of mine would say. My kids are awesome. You would love them slightly less than the nephew, because of course they’re not related to you in any way.

    2. I am SUPER IMPRESSED at your continued dedication to your blog, taking your lack of computer into consideration. You swiped this all out on your phone? HOLY CRAP, AMY! Unreal.

    3. There was a third point, but I’m making up for my lack of wine this week by drinking it all now. This explains my use of caps for emphasis because I’m afraid my html would be all wonky.

    I’m glad you had fun with the Nephew!


    • lucysfootball

      I know, isn’t he the greatest? I adore him so. I found out he’s coming back next month. Two months in a ROW I get to see him! Hooray!

      I bet I would love your kids!

      I actually did write this on my computer – it shut down that one night but then came back the next day. It’s just insanely slow. Like a Flintstones car.

      You can ALWAYS use caps for emphasis. They are ENCOURAGED! And LOVED!


  • Mister Doctor Professor Susurrus M. Chiaroscuro, Esquire

    Before my aunt became a raving lunatic she was just “my weird aunt”. And before THAT she was “The FUN Aunt”. I bring this up not because I see you heading down that path but to reassure you.

    As a wee lad, my raving lunatic aunt bought YEARS of good faith strictly by buying the most awesome birthday presents EVER. One year she got me a microscope. I was SO PSYCHED.

    She lived far far away so as a toddler I knew only a few things about her. 1) Her presents were always late, 2) Her presents were always awesome and said, “Happy Belated Birthday” (she totally taught me what belated meant before I was even five, and 3) She could always be counted on to play with me when she DID visit, and she was fun.

    It probably took me the longest to see that she was nuttier than chinese chicken salad, because I was still dizzy from the fun and good presents.

    SOOOO. . . my point here is, don’t become nuttier than chinese chicken salad (. . . or MORE nuttier than chinese chicken salad than you already are) and keep bribing. . . he’ll love you forever.


    • lucysfootball

      YAY! I will do my best to keep my nuts in my salad at a minimum. I want to guarantee a lifelong affection between myself & the kiddo. He’s fantastic. I can’t wait to see what kind of person he grows up into!

      Aren’t kooky aunts the best? I totally always thought I’d be the best at that. I’m doing my best!


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