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Oh, don’t deceive me; oh never leave me. How could you use a poor maiden so?

Two things! Does that make this Random Crap Friday? I don’t think two things is so much “random crap” as it is “neither of these is long enough for an Amy-length blog post on its own.” So…DOUBLE CRAP FRIDAY! Ew, gross.

So first, apparently, I’m dying.

What? What’s this “hypochondria” of which you speak? Surely you can’t mean ME.

Remember I had to have the procedure so my stupid uterus would maybe stop killing me which will, indubitably, lead to ALL THE SEX? Well, apparently what they fail to tell you is that it also leads to ALL THE EXCRUCIATING PAIN. They said I’d be twingey for a couple of days, so fine, whatever, I was all stiff-upper-lippy for a couple of days, close your eyes, think of England, whatever. But then a couple of days turned into a couple of WEEKS and I finally the other day was all “ENOUGH WITH THIS NONSENSE” because I’m pretty sure if you take too many ibuprofen your liver falls out of your nose. What? That might be a thing, you don’t know.

So I called the doctor’s office, and after a session of phone tag SO RIDICULOUS it could have been a sitcom episode ALL ON ITS OWN, I finally got through to the nurse.

Me: So, I’m kind of in the most pain.
Nurse: When did you have the procedure done? Pain is normal.
Me: Pain is…normal? I don’t think that’s…ever…the case…whatever. Over two weeks ago.
Nurse: OVER TWO WEEKS AGO GOOD GRIEF THAT SHOULD NOT STILL BE HAPPENING! I mean, um. Ha ha. Maybe come in, like, IMMEDIATELY, we’ll check you out.

THAT inspired confidence, let me tell you.

So I went in. An actual quote from one of the people checking me out: “Your ovaries are in the right place.” WHAT? Was there a possibility they WEREN’T GOING TO BE? Where might they be? My LUNGS? Good gracious now I’m worried about ovary migration.

Then I got put in a waiting room and seriously, doctor’s office, WHAT IS HAPPENING. You put me in a room, you tell me to take off my pants, and then you DON’T SHOW UP FOR HALF AN HOUR. This is the worst. It’s like a fraternity initiation prank. This time there were magazines, so I read this weird magazine that I think the local college produces. Some of the articles: how to analyze the people you kiss (I wish I could tell you what the answer to the analysis was, but it wanted you to buy some book for further information, I was not impressed at this bait-and-switchery); how to make these totally impossible-looking chocolate cakes with like two pages of instructions (no, thanks, that’s what cake mix is for, I’m not embarrassed) and an interview with someone that supposedly “made it big in Hollywood” but really she had tiny roles in three indie films, and I know about seventeen people LOCALLY who’ve done better than that, so really, if that’s making it big, I know a lot of BIG STAAAHHHHS. Then I finished that magazine so I read a really old People magazine. People magazine makes me sad for the state of the world. It really does. It’s like a step above a tabloid, and not even a big step. A step-let. A baby step. Who reads this, except people forced to in waiting rooms? Also, there were a lot of photos of Bieber with his shirt off frolicking in the water with some underaged chick I didn’t recognize. So I was sitting there semi-nude looking at semi-nude photos of the Biebs and this was all very disturbing on a lot, lot, LOT of levels.

Then the next person who very much wanted to see my cooch came in and I explained the situation and her exact words were, “In very, very, VERY few cases, the pain can last a very long time. There’s no way to tell how long it will last. It really just depends on how long you can stand it before we do something about it.”

WHAT THE HELL. Also, don’t you totally think it’s awesome I won the one in a million pain lottery and am one of the ONLY PEOPLE who has PERSISTENT PAIN from this? I mean, look at those odds I just beat! Ka-pow! I’m like a pain SUPERHERO.

She also made these fakey-fake sad faces. I could have made better sad faces. Yes, I know, I have theater training, but seriously, lady, practice in front of a mirror, or something. Those look like you just bit a lemon. Or you’re reacting how you THINK someone who just bit a lemon would react if you grew up in a closet and never had human interaction.

So then she’s all, “I can’t do anything, I’m just a NP, you’ll have to come back next week and see a doctor.”

This is totally a scam to get my co-pays and you people are all going out dancing with my co-pay money, don’t you even deny it.

She also asked how much ibuprofen I was taking, and when I told her, she said if I wanted, instead of taking 2 every 4 hours, I could take 4 every 8 hours. You know, shake things up a little. Variety is the spice of life. All that jazz. Jazz hands.

So next week I have to go BACK and see Dr. Ernie and explain all OVER again how I’m in total pain and I’m pretty much buying all the ibuprofen the Rite Aid has to offer and I think they think I’m a junkie over there. An IBROPROFEN junkie. How much fun is THAT? The most. THIS IS TOTALLY THE MOST FUN.

AND, quick update, right before I was all, “THIS POST IS WRITTEN AND READY TO POST,” I got home and had a message from the doctor’s office (even though they KNOW to call me at work during business hours) saying to call them urgently at the office. So this is it, folks, my test results came back and my ovaries are really in my lungs after all. It’s been nice knowing you all.

UPDATE THE SECOND. This is even BETTER, no joke. So I called them this morning from work. Left a message. Prepared for kooky phone tag hijinks. They actually called me right back. The test results came back, and I might or might not have some sort of infection. Might or might not? you ask. YES. Because the test results said “there was neither enough nor too little bacteria present to indicate the lack or presence of an infection.” WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN. Was my test slide like this barren wasteland, with a tumbleweed whirling by every once in a while? Did they take the test wrong? IS MY OVARY IN MY LUNG OR NOT? The nurse said I could either come back in today for a re-test (I think because they want to try out that new jazzy dance club that just opened and need my co-pay) or I can wait until Tuesday when I see Dr. Ernie. “Well, am I going to die, or not die, in the next five days, due to bacteria that may, or may not, be present?” I asked her. “No, it’s not the kind of infection that kills you, if you have it,” she said. “Also, don’t be worried. It’s not an STD.” OH THANKS LADY FOR IMPLYING I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THAT. “I wasn’t worried,” I said. “Because if that’s an STD, that’s one wait-and-bide-your-time STD, whoo!” She was silent. This confused her. “I’ll just wait til Tuesday,” I said. She agreed that was a good move and we parted ways.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN. Tune in NEXT WEEK for the next installed of “My ovary might be in my lung (subtitled: Bacteria? Bacteria? Where are you, bacteria?)”

SECOND!

You all know my Science Fellow, right? Right. Andreas! My Science Fellow!

(Are you totally all blown away with the new graphic? Yeah, I can’t take even the slightest bit of credit for this. Andreas made it himself. The last one was the suck.)

Listen, did you all SEE in the COMMENTS the other day that Andreas TOTALLY GOT TO NAME NEW SPECIES?

No, I’m totally serious. THERE IS A BOOK. With his NAME on it. I know! You people thought I was screwing around when I set out to get a science fellow. NO SIRREE BOB! I have a VERY SERIOUS SCIENCE FELLOW!

Here’s his comment when I geeked out when he randomly mentioned that he got to name a new species:

“I did too get to name new species! It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, though. Quite laborious, actually. And no, you don’t name them after yourself – that’s frowned upon.

This was during my time as an evolutionary biologist in Sweden, and I was studying a genus of dark-winged fungus gnats called Pseudozygoneura. That’s ‘Fake bended vein’ in English, referring to the genus Zygoneura with its distorted wing-vein (i.e. Pseudozygoneura looks like Zygoneura but is not, in fact, Zygoneura).

There were only a couple of species of Pseudozygoneura known to science when I started, but we discovered 40-50 new ones from all around the tropics during the next few years. And they all had to be described, illustrated and named (By the way: illustrating 1-2mm long dark-winged fungus gnats is HARD!). So, you try to come up with descriptive names if possible, or perhaps a name referring to the location the species was discovered. Or even a name describing what you felt when discovering it.

So it involves a coming up with a phrase that could be translated to Latin or latinised Greek, and didn’t sound like crap. Ideally, they should be easily understood by other scientists, and not make you look like an ignorant fool. A couple of names I still remember is Pseudozygoneura facilis, Pseudozygoneura consilia and Pseudozygoneura flagelloparva. The work was later published and can be found referred to by Googling ‘Hippa, Vilkamaa & Heinakroon’, although I’ve never actually read the finished article.”

No, seriously, this is just the coolest thing ever, right? How many people do YOU know that got to name new species? He’s totally being all downplayey about it now but that’s because he’s cool like that. This is just about the most exciting thing.

If I got to name a new species, I would be spectacularly bad at it, because I would not be able to stay on task. Like, at all. And I’d SO want my name to be part of it. And I’d want something like “shiny” to be in there. Because if I discovered a new species, no matter what it was, it would totally be shiny to me. Even if it was a new species of leech or bacteria or mosquito or something. Oh, crap, you KNOW I’d name that species “something something ZOMG” right? I think they’d revoke my science license. Also, you DID notice that it says “how you felt when discovering it,” right? That’s the best. “I kind of have to pee”-fly. “The scientist at the desk next to me is just about the cutest I mean just LOOK at his GLASSES”-worm.

Anyway, I’m fairly sure other blogs are going to attempt to woo Andreas from me. I’ve really got to step up my game, here. Twizzlers just aren’t going to cut it. I’ve got to think of a better payment for his services rendered. Andreas? What do you want to assure your continued duties as the coolest science fellow to ever exist? Please bear in mind I’m very poor. But I’m crafty! No, not like a pickpocket. Like, I can make CRAFTS. I mean, they might be out of popsicle sticks, though. I can crochet! I can totally cut shit out of magazines and glue it places! I AM CRAFTY ANDREAS DON’T LEAVE ME!

Seriously, how lost and bereft in a sea of science info would we all be without Andreas? I’d be putting up that fish were mammals or something, you know I would. WE NEED ANDREAS. Without Andreas, this blog is just a BLOG where I am FOOLISH. WITH Andreas, it kind of, if you squint, can maybe be taken seriously on alternate Wednesdays when the moon is full.

So YAY ANDREAS for being TOTALLY THE MOST IMPRESSIVELY SCIENCY!

Happy weekend, everyone! What am I doing? Oh, nothing much, no big, just SEEING THE NEPHEW, that’s all. I KNOW, I KNOW! I got an email late in the day saying The Nephew and his mom were taking a last-minute trip down to visit this weekend and did I have any free time this weekend? DO I HAVE ANY FREE TIME??? Well, no, not really, but hell, I’ll create some out of stardust and unicorn rainbows if it means I get to see my best little guy. I AM SO EXCITED.

Also, I’m going to watch Team America and live-tweet it for Ken and Jim because they said I had to. I’m pretty sure they want to see how embarrassed I’ll get about puppet sex. SPOILER ALERT I’m a total prude. The answer is, probably the most embarrassed. And probably a little grossed out. OH! And also I’m going to the movies with friend C. and also maybe to dinner. We have many choices – I think it’s down to Hugo, Wanderlust, The Artist, or The Descendants. I’ll keep you posted. FUN AWAITS! THE NEPHEWWWWWWWW!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

40 responses to “Oh, don’t deceive me; oh never leave me. How could you use a poor maiden so?

  • Kris Rudin

    Movies – go for Hugo or The Artist. Both amazing! You can totally skip The Descendants, or save it for a live tweet session on DVD. You’ll probably have some appropriately sarcastic comments. ;)

    Like

  • sj

    I hate sitting there pantsless waiting for the doctor. This is why I never ever leave my house without a book. If I’m going to be sitting around without my undies on, I’d prefer not to have to look at pictures of quasi-celebrities while I do it. I hope your ovaries stay in place and are decidedly not migratory (like coconuts).

    I’m totally jealous of your Science Fellow, I think every blog should have one. I promise I won’t try to steal him away though, because seriously, someone would have to be pretty stupid to give up Twizzlers and crafts.

    Sidenote: Every time I finish reading one of your posts, I walk away singing Doll Parts because of your About section.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee! Yes, my ovaries WOULD end up migratory like coconuts, damn them.

      I usually bring a book, or my phone, but I was optimistic that this time the wait wouldn’t be as long. WRONG WRONG SALLY SUNSHINE.

      Look, I totally stole Andreas from Lisa! I feel terrible. It wasn’t even on purpose! I didn’t know he was spoken for!

      Yay! I think everyone should sing a little more Hole. It would make everyone more stompy and furious. I’d like that.

      Like

  • lgalaviz

    See what happens when you aren’t paying attention? Someone totally STEALS your serious science dude.

    Like

    • Andreas Heinakroon

      Oh no! I feel like a total man-slut now; I didn’t mean to get stolen! I’m so disloyal! (Also, I was probably drunk and have forgotten the whole thing. (P.S. I’m rarely drunk, as I get a bit rambunctious. You can see my soberness as my gift to the world. You’re welcome.))

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        Rambunctious? Really? I think that would be fun. Do you run around all crazy and knock things off tables?

        I KNOW! I didn’t mean to steal you. I didn’t know you were already spoken for. I’m such a thief of scientists.

        Like

    • lucysfootball

      I AM SO SORRY! I didn’t know he was already yours! Maybe he can be YOUR Science Dude and my Science Fellow? He seems to think there’s a lot of him to go around. I am so not a man-thief. I mean, I don’t think I am. There was that one time in college but I was very drunk. And she repaid me by hitting me in the face with a wig backstage at the theater. So I think I got my comeuppance. Please don’t hit me with a wig. That was painful, and fake hair got in my eye.

      Like

  • Roz

    You forgot that it was HOLY CRAP! Friday, too, after Ken’s experience on the streets of Berlin today.

    Your nurse practitioner sounds like she graduated last in her class. NP’s are usually a lot sharper than this one is. But it’s OK to increase the ibuprofen–just don’t do it on an empty stomach and lay off of the wine.

    The Science Fellow Graphic is the bees’ knees in no small part to the mantis!

    Please please please live tweet Team America to me as well! I have it on DVD and if possible, I will try to sync with you.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’ll talk about Berlin later on. I have to wait til we’re home from Berlin. There’s a lot more adventure to be had. Hopefully non-murdery adventure.

      Like

      • lahikmajoe

        This is hilarious. You’re going to post about Berlin, too?

        Well of course you will. After all, you were here with everyone else. Because I brought all of you with me to Berlin.

        The Currywurst, the Bomardier, the aggressive teashop owners, and much much more…

        Can’t wait to hear your impressions.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Yes, but from the point of view of not actually having BEEN on the trip. I have high hopes for the awesomeness of it all.

          There were SUPPOSED to be photos of the time I was actually IN Berlin in the post, but those are currently MIA. Mom’s on the case, but who knows where that photo album ended up. I’ve moved a million times since then. It’s kind of worrisome. I don’t want to have lost all of my Europe photos.

          Like

  • willieburgscrapper

    I was just thinking that it’s so awesome that it was only a mini procedure that allows for all the sex then I read about all the pain and went well there goes that!
    I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything will be fine.
    Have fun this weekend with awesomest nephew! I thought mine was the title holder but must admit the position is highly competitive.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yes, so far, this all the sex procedure is not all it’s cracked up to be. I can’t imagine having all the sex right now. Because, OUCH.

      Yay, The Nephew! Thank you! I’m sure yours is awesome as well. I think it’s an expansive title that many can hold!

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Wait. What? There’s a book? Huh. There is. Well, what do you know? They must have had extra ink leftover or something. I probably should read it some day.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I’m sorry about all the pain. All the pain is the worst. Hope they can squeeze your ovaries back in place as soon as; it sounds like it would be unconfortable having them in your lungs.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Thanks. Yeah, it’s not the best, having them up there.

      Should be resolved? Or something? Tuesday. I hope. At least I get to see a doctor then. Who knows what he’ll say.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    P.S. Nice touch with the Spike trigger folk diddy in the title!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      YOU WIN INTERNET.

      I wondered if anyone would catch/mention that!

      I’ve had that song on and off in my head since those episodes aired. I think it’s become MY trigger. For…something. Who knows what. Crabbiness, maybe. I’m crabby like a mofo today.

      Like

  • greengeekgirl

    If I went out into my backyard and discovered a new species, I would definitely have to call it “this gum is just a shade too minty and burns my tongue a little with its mintiness” bug.

    Also, huzzah for Andreas! I should have included his species-naming skills in that ballad.

    Like

    • Andreas Heinakroon

      Thing is: if you did go out into your backyard to look for insects, chances are you would indeed discover a new species or two. It would include studying each specimen in detail, of course, and cross-reference it with literature on extant species in the same clad, which – if I’m honest – gets old real quick. Better to have a drink and enjoy the sunset.

      Like

    • lucysfootball

      Isn’t he the best?

      That is an EXCELLENT name for a bug. I think we should go into business. Insect-naming business. (The first time I typed that, I typo-d. It was “incest-naming business. NO NO NO.)

      Like

  • Mister Doctor Professor Susurrus M. Chiaroscuro, Esquire

    I LIKE the new graphic. . . but I’ll admit, i don’t love it. I fell like the mantis needs to be superimposed over the flag of the Isle of Man. Have you seen that thing? It’s “boss”.

    I’m sorry about your vagina.

    Like

    • Andreas Heinakroon

      Oh yeah. The Manx swastika, sorry ‘three-legs’. Ironically, I’m not too keen on that. It is a viking symbol, not a Nazi symbol, being more than 1,000 years older, but still; it’s plastered all over the place here.

      Even more ironically is the fact that the swastika was (and still is in India) considered a good-luck charm, and is put on anything dangerous like bridge railings or matchboxes. Actually, I might have a matchbox.. somewhere.. Hold on.. *rustles through random crap in a drawer* Here: http://aheinakroon.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/matches.jpg

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        OK, a., that’s kind of an awesome matchbox. Well, barring the swastikas.

        B., the Manx “three-legs” is SO SCARY TO ME. It’s like one of those creepy mash-up dolls from Toy Story 2. If I had to look at that all the time I think I’d always be cringing.

        What’s the Finnish flag? A blue cross on white? That is NICE. That is CLASSY. I APPROVE.

        Like

        • Andreas Heinakroon

          It’s an Indian matchbox, not a Nazi matchbox. You got that, right? I don’t collect Nazi matchboxes. Or any kind of matchboxes, really.

          In India, swastikas are all over the place and have been for centuries. They own all the swastikas. I can imagine them looking at Nazi symbolism like it would have had four-leaf clovers on it: “Why did they use a good-luck charm as a symbol of hate? How odd.”

          (By the way: I’m not saying ‘let’s reclaim the swastikas!’; think it’s a bit too late for that, but I find the history interesting.)

          Like

          • lucysfootball

            YES. I know you don’t have a Nazi matchbox. :)

            I’d never heard that before! I’m glad you told me. Now if it ever comes up or if I see anything set in India, I’ll know! You know all the things, Andreas. I’m glad I stole you from Lisa. That was a smart move on my part.

            Like

        • Andreas Heinakroon

          Yes, the Finnish flag is snow white with a sea-blue cross on it. It’s sometimes called siniristilippu in Finnish, literally meaning blue cross flag.

          Like

    • lahikmajoe

      Wasn’t sure what I’d write in the comments on this blogpost, but Jim got right to the heart of the matter.

      I, too, am sorry about your vagina.

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        I love you both to pieces, and my vagina thanks you ever so much for thinking of her, but she wants you to know she is FINE. She’s EXCELLENT, actually. Her neighbor, my uterus, would like to know where HER good wishes are, however. She’s feeling very miffed that she wasn’t offered condolences.

        (Also, Sorry About Your Vagina, the greeting card. I’m totally making this, and it needs to be marketed. This concept even made my extremely prudish mom laugh hysterically tonight.)

        Like

    • lucysfootball

      I am NOT putting that creepy-ass thing ANYWHERE NEAR MY BLOG. Gah. No no no. It’s JUST THE MANTIS. And the words.

      It’s not “boss.” Although the quotes around “boss” made me think you know it’s not really “boss.”

      I’m sorry about your vagina made me laugh until I was almost ill. Jim, you really win commenting. However, see my response to Ken. My vagina is peachy. My uterus is murderous.

      Like

      • greengeekgirl

        I, too, laughed until I almost peed myself over “I’m sorry about your vagina.” JIM NEEDS A COMMENT AWARD, AMY. You can use ours if you don’t want to make one, but he NEEDS one.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I can’t make them work! I tried before but it didn’t let me. I don’t know why. My comments aren’t awesome like yours. I am BROKEN. And not just my uterus. Or, as Jim and Ken would call it, my vagina.

          Like

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