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Always look on the bright side of life…worse things happen at sea, you know.

So yesterday was just a day. JUST A TOTAL DAY. I mean, I know Mondays are the worst from March to mid-April at my job. I’m aware of that. But each year they get a little worse, or maybe I’m getting old, or maybe I forget how bad they were the year before, I don’t know. But anyway. Yesterday was just the worst. Like, I wanted to go into the big handicapped bathroom stall, put my feet up so no one knew I was in the stall, and weep quietly into my sweater. For like an hour. Alternately, I wanted to go to the store, buy a mess of pudding, and eat that pudding. Possibly while bathroom-weeping. Either would be good. HOWEVER. I couldn’t even get AWAY to GO to the bathroom. There wasn’t TIME. I had to sneak in a couple minutes for lunch, and only because I was getting lightheaded. And even then, people kept FINDING me.

Just. The. Worst.

And it just keeps on a rampin’ up. I’ve got a little over a month left of the insanity.

So I thought, I’d better have a game plan in place. I mean, things are just going to keep getting worse and worse. WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP MYSELF. And others, of course. Because, as you know, I AM HELPFUL. Maybe others are ALSO having the worst days! Let’s help each other out of the black pit of despair, am I right?

So I totally found this awesome website that’s going to fix EVERYTHING.

This is from something called Gala Darling. Well! Who doesn’t love a good gala? And it’s a “radical self-love project.” NO NOT LIKE THAT DING DONG JOE. And it seems to maybe have something to do with Elle magazine? I don’t know, I’m totally really tired, you guys, and I don’t have any pudding at all. And also maybe it’s British. ANYWAY IT’S VERY PROMISING.

100 Things to Do When You’re Upset (The Sad Trombone List)

So I’m going to pick some of these out, and start making a list, because I’m pretty sure I’m going to need some pick-me-ups.

  • Have a romance in your head.  Um. I don’t…with whom? I mean, I have my TV boyfriends and I have my secret lovaaaahhhh Dr. Ruffalo. But to tell you the truth don’t you think having all those secret romances is the saddest because at the end of the day you’re still sleeping with Dumbcat and he totally hogs the covers? I don’t know about this.
  • Buy a remote control for your camera and dip your toes into the pool of narcissism.  There are camera remotes? I guess that’s how people take those photos of themselves that I always wonder about. Huh. Learn something new every day. Wait, taking photos of myself would cheer me up? I really beg to differ. I think taking one look at unruly hair and crazy eyes would start a shame spiral.
  • Call a friend and ask if they want to have a slumber party.  In my HOUSE? Amongst my ITEMS? Would they TOUCH my items? What if I got sick of them, could I ask them to LEAVE? Would they care if I blogged and tweeted all night? Because, let’s be frank, I’m going to. This doesn’t seem like it would do anything other than stress me out more. I don’t like this AT ALL.
  • Do the splits. Or at least try. (Be gentle, though!)  Yes. Reminding myself how totally un-bendy I am, and pulling a hamstring – extremely cheerful.
  • Drink two litres of soda and stay up until sunrise.  OK. Wait, I can’t drink soda, it interacts with one of my medications. I don’t want to stay up all night, I’d be a wreck at work the next day. Why is soda keeping me up all night, anyway? Is there cocaine in the soda? This soda plan seems ill-thought-out. Mostly the soda would make me have to piss like a racehorse, I’m guessing. That’s a LOT of liquid.
  • Send a text message to one of the most interesting people you know — maybe someone you don’t know that well, just to say hello. What the hell? Why do I have a stranger’s number in my phone? Who has stranger’s numbers in their phone? I have like, five numbers in my phone. Because I use my phone for Twitter, pretty much. I’m not texting a stranger. They’ll arrest me for stalking, if I do somehow even GET some stranger’s number. COME ON NOW.
  • Write a gruellingly personal entry for your blog dissecting every aspect of the situation which has upset you so much. Post it, don’t post it, whatever, just get it out of your system. HA HA HA I AM NINE MONTHS AHEAD OF YOU SLAPPY.
  • Write a ridiculous online dating profile & marvel at the people who come out of the woodwork. (“Oh, a threesome with you & your wife in New Jersey? Sign me up!”)  Yes, because nothing’s more cheerful that perusing online dating sites, and tricking the denizens therein. NOTHING.
  • Wear a fake moustache all day. (Feel like an asshole all night.)
  • Think up nicknames for all your friends, then send them each postcards to alert them.  Ugh, I’d stab my friends if they did this to me. BFF gets to give me a nickname, because dammit, he’s BFF. NO, I’m not telling you what it is, IT IS PRIVATE. And lately Jim and elaine4queen have given me nicknames. At first, I was like, “Um. I SAID I WOULD STAB” but then I decided, “sometimes, you like someone so much you wouldn’t stab, and it’s actually wonderful, who the hell knew THAT!” so Jim and elaine4queen can totally get away with it. If YOU are sitting there thinking “I want to give Amy a nickname,” odds are good you can’t get away with it. No, I’m totally serious. There was this guy I knew once who thought it was ok to call me “Aim.” ALL THE TIME. I never really liked or trusted him again, once he did that. Then he ended up needing knee surgery. ARE THE TWO RELATED? Well, no, not at all, it was just a funny coincidence, actually.
  • Pull a Kid CuDi & announce your retirement from the world of something. Like cooking, or vocal communication. Announce your unretirement whenever you feel like it. OK. I don’t know what a “Kid CuDi” is. What’s a Kid CuDi? And how would you even say that, Q-dee or Could-ee? YES, I know I could look it up. I could also be eating some DELICIOUS DAMN PUDDING. But I’m not doing THAT, now, AM I. So, I’m supposed to announce my retirement from something. I announce my retirement from dishtowels. Is that how that works? Good, I win that.
  • Go wig shopping. Yes. Because you can pretend you’ve gone through chemo and need the wig. That’s a smile-generator of an activity, right there.
  • Listen to Never Better by P.O.S. and revel in what a great album it is. P.O.S.? This is a band, I’m guessing? Because in my world, P.O.S. means “piece of shit,” and that makes this one a lot funnier and scatological.
  • Load up your iPod and go for a walk. I CAN’T AFFORD AN iPOD THANKS A LOT, LIST.
  • Flirt with entirely inappropriate people. Do you mean prison inmates? Or married men? Or serial killers? WAY TO BE VAGUE.
  • Go to an audition just for the experience. DO NOT DO THIS. You are wasting my time and the people like me’s time. Don’t be a time-waster. WE HAVE JUSTIFIED TO WATCH AND OUR CAR IS GETTING VANDALIZED OUTSIDE WHILE YOU “FIND YOURSELF” ONSTAGE, YOU MORON.
  • Tell someone cute, “You’re cute.” I have found, in my experience, cute people don’t like to be told they’re cute. Cute is a derogatory. Makes ’em feel small. Instead, say “I want to ride you like the pony outside the KMart. Do you take quarters?” That should do you juuuuust fine.
  • Write a play. YES. Also, make it awful, and submit it to my playwright’s showcase next year. So I have to read it. HAVE TO. PLEASE DO THIS.
  • Write the stuff you like about your body ON your body with a magic marker. YES. Look for the ones that say “Sharpie” and be sure to write what you like about your face and other extremities the most.
  • Change your ringtone to the sound of one of your friends laughing hysterically. Because nothing scares the people in the bathroom stall next to you than hearing hysterical soulless laughter coming from your stall, am I right?

OK, that was – shit. Useless.

Here are two things that I totally, wholeheartedly, recommend for cheerups. I will be using these as my go-to tax-season cheerups over the next month. SO LOOK OUT INTERWEBS.

First: two words.

This is TOTALLY what it LOOKS like. YOU ARE AMONGST THE PENGUINS. I know. I KNOW.

PENGUIN CAM.

You click there, and there’s a live stream coming from the penguin enclosure at the San Diego Zoo. FOR FREE. They’re RUNNING and they’re PLAYING and they’re making LOUD PENGUINY NOISES and you are so close it’s like your FACE is in the penguin’s AREA. It is the best. I got teary-eyed because a little penguin ran by the camera all slapsticky and it could NOT have been cuter, seriously.

(TWO PEOPLE knew I liked penguins enough to tell me about this, two! I love that my penguin obsession is well-documented! If this blog is good for nothing else, I will be remembered for my long-standing and abiding adoration of all things penguiny.)

Second: Twitter.

Sorry, this one’s probably not going to work for you as much, or at least overnight.

But yesterday, when I was having day from hell? TWITTER FIXED IT. Or at least helped me forget it with random funny awesomenesses about bathrooms and kidnappings and secret boyfriends and exciting down-low good news reports and virtual pudding and ALL THE THINGS.

I have to remember, when things are ick (and they ARE ick, and they will CONTINUE to be ick, over the next month) that, a year ago?

There was no penguin cam.

And I did not even KNOW any of the internet people. The internet people were STRANGERS.

Take that, you stupid, stupid list, I don’t need to write on myself with a permanent marker or buy an effing WIG. I ALREADY WIN.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

45 responses to “Always look on the bright side of life…worse things happen at sea, you know.

  • Mister Doctor Professor Susurrus M. Chiaroscuro, Esquire

    I think otter cam would fix it too. Otters are just too friggin’ playful to watch and stay sad.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      AGREED. I went to see otters two summers ago at a wildlife place near my parents’ home and they were so much fun. They were swimming and flipping and eating fruit underwater and getting close to the glass to check us out and I loved them so much.

      Also, once I went to a low-end zoo, and a penguin escaped his area and went into the otter area and PLAYED WITH THE OTTER. They were such chums. It was THE BEST.

      Like

  • Roz

    ” ‘Change your ringtone to the sound of one of your friends laughing hysterically.’ Because nothing scares the people in the bathroom stall next to you than hearing hysterical soulless laughter coming from your stall, am I right?’ ”

    At least it wouldn’t be hard for you to make someone laugh hysterically enough to create a worthy ring tone. Just read your material to someone unfamiliar with it.

    I will not give you a nickname against your wishes. However, I may refer to you as “The Amy” periodically from now on.

    *grabs lid of Le Creuset Dutch Oven as shield to prevent stab wounds*

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      “The Amy” is ALLOWED. You are granted PERMISSION.

      Mostly because it makes me sound like the only one, and it’s always bugged me there are 83 kabillion Amys in the world. Such an unimaginitive name.

      I like being THE Amy. It makes me stand out from a SEA of Amys.

      And aw, thanks! :) But wouldn’t a laughing ringtone be so, so creepy? I’d freak out if someone’s ringtone was a laugh!

      Like

  • sj

    Buddy the Elf and Helper Mule!

    No, but seriously, I’ve been having a series of pretty crap days too. This weekend I wanted to just hide somewhere and cry but I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO. Someone is almost always in every room in my house. I don’t even get to hide in the bathroom without kids knocking on the door or yelling at me through it. [sigh]

    Maybe I’ll start watching Penguin Cam, I loved when they did the pandas.

    Like

    • sj

      Oh, and I made myself ham and cheese croissants this morning. JUST FOR ME, no one else gets to touch them. That is also helping.

      Like

    • lucysfootball

      You will love Penguin Cam! So cheerful! They run around all dorky and their little wings stubbily flap and they make penguiny noises – it’s the most joyful thing on the internet!

      I feel very lucky to have a whole apartment for crying, if I need one. I’d let you come cry here, if you needed to! Dumbcat would leap on you, though, and headbutt you. Then you’d forget to be sad. He’s pretty magical like that.

      (Buddy Elf and Helper Mule ALSO help with the sad!)

      Like

      • sj

        I miss having kittehs. They always help with the sad. I’ve made myself a note to watch Penguin Cam, I meant to earlier today, but then got distracted by…something, I can’t even remember what. I think it was watching Orca: the Killer Whale with my dad.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Dumbcat is a sad eraser. He runs into things a lot with his head, and then GLARES at them, all, “how DARE YOU SIR!” and it makes me just HOWL with laughter. He’s slapstick cat.

          You will love penguin cam!

          Like

  • lahikmajoe

    We were here Amy. Waiting for you to finally arrive…and…there you are. Nice timing.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Tears while driving, Ken. Tears. While. Drivinnnnggggg.

      Yes, yes. I know. I KNOW. “Amy, please don’t check your phone while driving.” I was at a stoplight. It’s one of those legendary Albany stoplights that is at least 3 minutes long. I missed the yellow by SECONDS. So I knew I had at least 2-3 minutes of phone time. So I checked it.

      Then I got all teary-eyed because this comment was SO DAMN NICE and then I was sniffly.

      Dammit, Ken.

      Thanks, Ken.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Coincidental knee surgery is funny.

    Like

  • davidjfuller

    This is an awesome post.

    I don’t know why, but I’ve found mocking idiocy to be the best cure for a beyond-horrible day. But I usually just end up shouting at the TV.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Penguin cam is AWESOME! There’s this Gentoo Penguin on atm that is in love with the web cam and can’t leave it alone – hysterical! Go watch now!

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    The list IS stupid. Stupid list!

    But we’re not stupid, are we, Amers? No, we’re cool intelligent people who can figure out our OWN ways of making it through shitty days from hell. And isn’t that just the best, Amyrillo?

    Like

    • lahikmajoe

      Hee hee… Amyrillo…this is a whole new sort of fun.

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        This is Amy’s very stern face. What? You don’t see this? This totally stern face I’m making right now at you and Andreas?

        Because it’s totally stern. The sternest. The sternest of the stern, in fact.

        Like

    • lucysfootball

      Amyrillo? ET TU ANDREAS?

      (Points for creativity, though. Total points for creativity!)

      Elaine4queen already called dibs on Amers. So you can *try* Amyrillo. You’re not in arms’ reach of me. That’s good. I’m a legendary whapper. That…totally sounded filthy. I would WHAP YOU ON THE ARM. That is ALL I MEANT.

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Trust you to focus on a throw-away nickname rather than the point of my comment, which was: that list is stupid. I’ve seen some stupid lists in my days but this one is among the stupidest. It’s like it was written by one of those girls who were popular in school but not particularly interested in learning stuff, ie someone boring.

        And Latin? We’re speaking Latin now? Because I suck at Latin. Haven’t used Latin or latinised Greek since I had to name a bunch of new species some 15 years ago.

        Like

        • elaine4queen

          aaargh!!! i am DYING of jealousy now! *i* want to name some species!

          mind you, no one would ever let me because i wouldn’t want to do it in the latiny style, i’d want to do it in the style of naming nail varnishes, and i know in advance that is not on.

          smashin’ post, amers. tough to choose, but i totally snorked at ““I want to ride you like the pony outside the KMart. Do you take quarters?””

          Like

          • lucysfootball

            I know! I know Andreas is going to be all “you are CONCENTRATING on the wrong THING AGAIN” but seriously? Naming new species? This might be the coolest thing yet. I have the best Science Fellow in the history of ever. Other blogs are SO JEALOUS right now. They’re going to try to woo him away. DON’T BE WOOED ANDREAS.

            I LOVE the names of nail polish! I think more species should be named like that!

            Hee! Thank you! I liked that quite a lot, too! :) (We totally have a shady quarter-run pony outside of our KMart. I always worry it’s going to kill the children that ride it. It looks rusty and broken.)

            Like

        • lucysfootball

          I wish you’d been at school with me. You’d have been entertaining and you could have told the popular kids to shut their pie-holes.

          The list is stupid. There were some better things on it, but I didn’t list those. They were not QUITE as stupid. But still pretty stupid.

          ANDREAS. You did NOT get to name new species. That is SO EXCITING. What kinds of species? Did you put your name in there somewhere like some scientists do? You are the best science fellow EVER, no joke. I’m NEVER letting you go! Tell this story, please. I am DYING of curiosity.

          Like

          • Andreas Heinakroon

            I did too get to name new species! It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, though. Quite laborious, actually. And no, you don’t name them after yourself – that’s frowned upon.

            This was during my time as an evolutionary biologist in Sweden, and I was studying a genus of dark-winged fungus gnats called Pseudozygoneura. That’s ‘Fake bended vein’ in English, referring to the genus Zygoneura with its distorted wing-vein (i.e. Pseudozygoneura looks like Zygoneura but is not, in fact, Zygoneura).

            There were only a couple of species of Pseudozygoneura known to science when I started, but we discovered 40-50 new ones from all around the tropics during the next few years. And they all had to be described, illustrated and named (By the way: illustrating 1-2mm long dark-winged fungus gnats is HARD!). So, you try to come up with descriptive names if possible, or perhaps a name referring to the location the species was discovered. Or even a name describing what you felt when discovering it.

            So it involves a coming up with a phrase that could be translated to Latin or latinised Greek, and didn’t sound like crap. Ideally, they should be easily understood by other scientists, and not make you look like an ignorant fool. A couple of names I still remember is Pseudozygoneura facilis, Pseudozygoneura consilia and Pseudozygoneura flagelloparva. The work was later published and can be found referred to by Googling ‘Hippa, Vilkamaa & Heinakroon’, although I’ve never actually read the finished article.

            Like

            • Roz

              ZOMG! I “internet-know” a scientist who really named a newly-discovered creature! This is really huge for someone like me who kept insects (including a mantis) as pets in during childhood.

              Like

            • lucysfootball

              My favorite part of this whole section – other than the fact that HOLY HELL ANDREAS YOU GOT TO NAME A NEW SPECIES and also YOU WERE PUBLISHED AND I TOTALLY FOUND THE BOOK ONLINE! was “or even a name describing what you felt when discovering it.”

              I’d be naming things “shiny awesome fizzy ZOMG-fly” and “I totally need to run to the bathroom-slug” and “What do you mean I don’t have time to take lunch today-beetle.”

              PS, you could NEVER sound like an ignorant fool. Probably even if you had a complete lobotomy and also were bludgeoned by a sumo wrestler with a tire iron.

              ANDREAS! This is the coolest thing I’ve learned about you YET! Seriously, I know everyone probably wants to think their internet people are the coolest internet people? BUT MINE TOTALLY ARE. So SUCK IT, everyone else, I WIN.

              Yay, you!

              Like

              • Andreas Heinakroon

                Aw, thanks, but now you’ve made me blush a little!

                But: although it’s kind of cool to have named a bunch of new species, I’m not kidding myself to believe it has had any real impact on science in general (or even Dipterology in particular). The number of people studying Sciarids can be counted on one hands fingers, and I think I’ve met then all in person (including the guy from former East Germany who insisted on being addressed Herr Professor Doktor in any correspondence). So even though ‘my’ species are forever recorded in the annuls of science, it’s in a really small type face and down in an obscure corner somewhere out of the way.

                Like

                • lucysfootball

                  Hee! JIM! Did you see that? Someone insisted on being called Herr Professor Doktor! You could be friends!

                  Although I love that you’re humble about it, I still think I’d get a t-shirt, and walk around with my chest puffed out. The t-shirt would say, “Ask me about the time I CREATED HISTORY by NAMING NEW SPECIES.” Then when they did, I would tell them all about it. At length.

                  Like

  • Bronwyn

    penguin cam is full of so much awesome! :D i have it bookmarked… the little noises they make are happy-fying! :D

    and i’m totally posting a pic of the chosen kidnapping mask. oh. wait…. would that be counter intuitive? if i want to get away with it, that is… damn. i’m just screwing myself 6 ways from Sunday on this one, aren’t i? :D

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think since it’s a mutually acceptable kidnapping, all bets are off, anyway. :)

      And yay, I’m so glad people are enjoying the penguin cam! It is the best, right? The little noises! And the little side-to-side-walking! I seriously just watched and watched and laughed and teared up with happiness!

      Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    We need to get you a different job. Unfortunately I don’t know anyone hiring where you are. I am glad you have the penguins and I totally support the otter cam proposal as well.

    I rarely feel the need to weep at work, but sometimes other people’s stupidity exhausts me.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I know. I always mean to look, but then I have like a goldfish’s memory after tax season is over and by the time it rolls around again, I’m like, “shit! FORGOT TO LOOK FOR SOMETHING ELSE!” Also, the economy is scary, and there are so few available jobs! Eep!

      Like

  • anirrationalratio

    Aw, poor Amy. You need a better job. Yes, I know you know that, it’s not an instruction or anything.

    Maybe you should become a go-go dancer? I don’t know why but this is always what I suggest, without really any reason. If you think about it too much it’s either creepy or demeaning. Don’t think about it. I don’t.

    I always like the little penguins more (I mean in height, not JUST Little Penguins) because of how they waddle with their wings out at the side.

    I wish you luck with the coming month. The come TAX-ocalypse!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t think there are go-go dancers anymore. If there were, I don’t think that would work. A., I can’t dance. Or even move rhythmically. Or stand without knocking something over. B. I don’t like people.

      I KNOW! Little penguins are the best! They’re like little adorable Charlie Chaplins!

      It IS the Tax-ocalypse! Ugh, 5 more weeks!

      Like

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