I know that I usually do all of the insane search terms in one post. But I don’t know if anyone noticed? But this month’s search term post was CUCKOO-BANANAS LONG. Like, nine pages in Word long. That’s too long. MUCH TOO LONG. I might have killed off some of my readers.
Back in the day, I used to do this “Ask Lucy” thing and it was the WORST. No one ever asked me any questions and I hate begging for anything because it puts a big old wound in my pride and makes me feel like I’m not having any fun at all and also like I want to throw things like wine glasses. And who wants to break all their wine glasses? No one who likes wine, that’s who.
BUT! Since this month’s search terms post was so long that I think I probably murdered some of my readers with the length, I thought, there are a lot of questions in my search terms this month. So it’s LIKE I can do an Ask Lucy, but not have to ask anyone to provide the questions, which was the part of the Ask Lucy that I hated, anyway.
Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.
Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!
These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And I can answer these questions! I totally can! I mean, I love to be helpful, no joke. I AM HELPFUL.
are you a psychopath if you have narcolepsy I don’t think you’re a psychopath. I think the two can be mutually exclusive. I mean, are you falling asleep and murdering people, or maybe falling asleep and hanging people in your closet and forcing them to play Pictionary with you? Then probably you’re both. But are you just falling asleep randomly, like when you’re driving or running in charity 5Ks? Or are you just murdering puppies? Then you’re just either/or. See? I totally solved that. It’s worrying me you asked it, though, to be frank. You’re welcome! Also a little scary!
how do i know i’ve got toxoplasma gondii Well, first you read my totally groundbreaking post about how your cat is trying to kill you with brain parasites and see if you have the signs. Then if you think you do, you…um…I don’t know, the article didn’t talk about anything that could be done to cure it or anything. I guess you just deal. You’re welcome. And, sorry.
is dire straits song you and your friend about lesbians? I just looked it up and it seems to be about cheating, maybe. So I guess it could be about lesbians, and cheating with a lesbian. This is an odd question. Why does it matter? You’re welcome. And, why do you care?
is it normal to feel like shit on valentine’s day when you have no one YES. Because society conspires to make you feel like shit when you’re alone on Valentine’s Day more so than any other day with the commercials and the flowers and the jewelry and related frou-frou coupley nonsense. Just ignore it. It goes away in 24 hours. It’s like a 24-hour bug only with less phlegm and more depressed weeping. You’re welcome. Sorry it sucks. Hope you bought some half price chocolate the day after.
names of actresses from raymour and flanigan commercials I don’t know about “actresses” but the “actress” that I know is Yvonne Perry. She is kind of a big deal around here. She stars in a lot of plays over at Cap Rep Theater. When I went to a play there recently the old people in back of me were all, “There’s the FURNITURE LADY” every time she came out on stage. It was annoying. Also, one time, a mutual friend reposted one of her photos on Facebook? And it was Yvonne Perry and NATHAN FILION. She totally acted in a soap opera with Nathan Filion one time. CAPTAIN TIGHTPANTS ZOMG. You’re welcome. It’s odd you want to know this, but you’re welcome.
statistic percent of people that like buttercream frosting The answer for this is undoubtedly all. At my grocery store, they have two options: buttercream frosting and “bestcreme” frosting. “Bestcreme” is just whipped cream. Who wants whipped cream frosting? What a frigging gyp that is. Buttercream is where it’s at. Also, are you doing a project where you need to know that statistic? Do you need people to volunteer as tasters? I’ll volunteer. I’m very buttercream-frosting friendly. You’re welcome. Call me!
super totally awesome food in the binghamton area The answer is obviously Spiedies. Spiedies are the crack cocaine of the Binghamton area. I ate my WEIGHT in Spiedies when I lived there. What’s a Spiedie, Amy, you’re asking?
It is chicken marinated in this vinegary sauce and then roasted on a grill and served in a crusty roll. IT IS HEAVENLY. I can’t even describe how amazing. I tried to recreate them once I moved away but it’s impossible. It’s like they only exist in that area code. EAT SOME SPEDIES. You are WELCOME. I’m totally salivating right now. (Also, “super totally awesome food” made me giggle.)
what do blue footballs taste like I don’t know what this is. I assume it’s a food item. Otherwise, why are you eating it? But I am HERE to HELP YOU. So I will research it. ZOMG they are Xanax. It is the STREET NAME for Xanax. Why do you care what they TASTE like? You’re not supposed to CHEW them. You’re supposed to SWALLOW them. With WATER. Why are you a big weird weirdo? I’m sure they taste like bitter burning like most pills do. You’re welcome, stop chewing medication.
what do you have against dating “short dudes and people with walking issues” This is a reference to my mom, actually. Who dated a short dude, and also a bouncy dude, before my dad. In that case, I was just sticking up for my dad. Why would I have wanted my mom to marry someone OTHER than my dad? My dad RULES. If she procreated with someone else, what kind of half my DNA would I have ended up with, anyway? I don’t like change. I don’t want to be half some short or bouncy guy. I like that this questioner is all “I dare say my good man!” over this. I don’t date short dudes because I am tall and prefer men at my height or taller; and, well, people with walking issues – I guess it would depend on the person? Like, if I really liked them, who cares, I guess. But if they’re a douchebag, then I don’t want them, whether they can walk or not. You’re welcome, easily offended McGee.
what is worse than a douche canoe? Hee! You are NOT going to believe this, but we totally had this discussion at my theater JUST THE OTHER NIGHT. The answer is a WHOLE DOUCHE YACHT. Barring that, a douche garbage barge is also pretty bad. But douchecanoe just sounds better, the way it trips off the tongue, right? You’re welcome. Use the phrases often and well.
why everyone loves breakfast at tiffany’s I don’t know. Nostalgia? Audrey Hepburn? How totally hot George Peppard is? The pretty costumes? New York City? I’m not sure about this one, myself. You’re welcome. I think.
why is dont fear the reaper gay It IS? I think you’re wrong about this. I don’t think it is. Because they listen to it ALL THE TIME on Supernatural. And Supernatural isn’t gay. I mean, once and a while they have a gay character, but overall it’s pretty manly-man, you know? Why would you think “Don’t Fear the Reaper” is gay? I think it’s about an ACTUAL reaper. Like, DEATH. It’s not a euphemism for gayness. People think everything’s gay all the time, it’s annoying. There is not this super-secret gay agenda to sneak stuff into the straight media, you guys, I promise. The Pink Mafia (I totally want to be a foot soldier in the Pink Mafia, you don’t even know) probably doesn’t even WANT to claim “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” You’re welcome, I think you might be chewing blue footballs.
why people who dont vote suck Because they’re allowing democracy to go on around them without taking part. And often they are the ones that complain the loudest when they don’t like the elected officials. But they don’t get a say! They didn’t vote! I think, as a citizen, it’s our DUTY to vote. You do the research and you vote for the candidate whose values and stance align most closely to your own. I feel very strongly about this, seriously. I was just yelling at, I MEAN DISCUSSING it with, my dad the other night. (Also, psst, I love to vote love love LOVE to vote. Why wouldn’t you want to vote? IT IS SO MUCH FUN.) You’re welcome, go vote already. OK, fine, not NOW, there’s probably no vote going on NOW, but when it’s voting time, VOTE ALREADY.
why does lucy pull the football away? oh, psychology. This is AWESOME. Yes. Oh, psychology. Well, Lucy’s an asshole, really. A bullying asshole. Who enjoys the power she holds over Charlie Brown in the form of the football. And she pulls it away so she can retain that power. If she lets him kick it, she loses her power. I mean, I guess she might be trying to teach him a lesson about life, too. Like, “Hey, Charlie Brown, life’s not all giggles & sunshine, babe, get used to it now, you huge-headed weirdo!” but mostly I just think she’s a bullying asshole. You’re welcome.
why the hell can i not print my family crest?!?!?! ZOMG are you pissed off about this or WHAT? Holy HELL. SO MANY INTERROBANGS. I don’t know how you got to my blog with this search phrase. Have I ever talked about family crests or the inability to print them? I am SO SORRY you can’t print. I’m totally not an IT guru. Did you try saving the image and then pasting it into a Word document and then printing the Word document? Sometimes that works, I don’t know. DON’T INTERROBANG ME ANYMORE. You’re welcome?!?!?!?
why they created the hulk to be angry He’d be pretty damn boring if he was calm, wouldn’t he? Just this big green guy, sitting around with a pipe and slippers watching Judge Judy or something? MAD IS MORE FUN. You’re welcome. HULK THANKS YOU FOR VISITING. HULK NO SMASH YOU.
why does zak bagans treat aaron rudely Because Zak Bagans is a gigantic douchecanoe and thinks he is “funny” when really he is “a dumbass.” I don’t know. Why are you watching that stupid show? A better question is, why is Aaron so skinny now? I just want to give him a sandwich. And then make out with him. You’re welcome.
why do the germans watch breakfast at tiffany’s Listen. LISTEN. I totally asked Ken this one but he DID NOT ANSWER ME. So I think that it’s probably a secret that no one wants us to know the answer to. Like a total German conspiracy. Maybe Germany isn’t ALLOWING Ken to reply to the tweet I sent him about this, I don’t know. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THIS RIGHT NOW. I don’t live in Germany. I visited Germany once. I stayed in Berlin. I don’t remember much about it. There might have been a bronze pig statue, although that might have been in another European country because I was sleepy for a lot of that trip. We visited the Checkpoint Charlie museum. We stayed in a weird hostel. The people in it walked around naked a lot. That was off-putting. Although, come to think of it, they probably weren’t Germans if they were staying in a hostel in Germany, right? They probably would be staying in their HOME if they were Germans. So I don’t know what was up with the nudity. There were many delicious chocolates in the grocery stores, so that was nice. Oh, and I’m totally learning all the exciting German from Ken. Here’s a word I like, ready? I didn’t learn this from Ken, I looked it up all on my own because I’m greedy for knowledge LIKE A SPONGE. Ready? Do you know how you say “cougar” in German? Puma. IS THAT NOT AWESOME? Because cougars and pumas are totally like the same thing, aw! Love! ALSO, did you know that “dachshund” literally translates to “badger dog” I assume because dachshunds probably were used to roustabout badgers at some point? I AM TOTALLY THE BEST AT GERMAN YOU GUYS. But other than that, I don’t know enough about Germany to answer your question, which is WHY I asked KEN to answer it for you but he never ever did so I’m pretty sure that it’s a secret because otherwise why would he not help you out? He’s totally helpful, seriously. So probably I could make up a story for you, like Germans love American CULTURE, and Germans want to know what it was like to live in New York City back in the DAY, or Germans like Audrey Hepburn like French people purportedly like Jerry Lewis, or some such thing, BUT I DON’T KNOW FOR SURE. I think Ken knows. He’s just not telling. You’re welcome. Blame Ken. But not too much. Because then I’d have to punch you. I’m allowed to harass him because it’s out of LOVE. If other people do it I feel like I have to defend him because that’s what I do with the approximately four people I like in the world because most people annoy the piss out of me.
definition of shit ton and ass hat Oh, now this. THIS I can do. A shit ton is like a TOTAL LOT OF SOMETHING. Like, here, I’ll use it in a sentence. “I had a shit ton of homework to do and a headache like you wouldn’t believe.” Or, “I have a shit ton of Cheetos in my sweet El Camino.” An ass hat is a douchebag. Or, more literally, someone who has their head stuck up their own ass. So, therefore, has their “ass” as a “hat.” An asshat. Oh, you don’t think I can use that in a sentence? WATCH ME CHARLIE. “It became clear to Myrtle that Joey was a total asshat when he started snapping at the waitress to bring him a drink refill.” You’re welcome. This was a really good question. I feel like I should be thanking YOU.
do kookaburras like shiny things Everything likes shiny things, my friend. Shiny things are the best and the brightest. Since kookaburras are so totally boss, I can only imagine they LOVE shiny things. As much as I do, perhaps. (SPEAKING OF KOOKABURRAS! I will be seeing A LIVE KOOKABURRA in 2.5 months. I know. It’s the best. I’m X-ing days off my calendar like a prisoner of war, here.) I mean, I don’t know if you’re asking, “Are kookaburras magpies?” with the hoarding of the shiny? I can’t answer that at the moment. I’ll ask the kookaburra when I see him in 2.5 months. You’re welcome. Thank you for bringing up kookaburras, it made my day.
There! Was that not the most helpful Q & A you’ve ever had? I know I feel so much better-brighter-smarter-faster, how about you?
If anyone ever says, “Amy from Lucy’s Football, she doesn’t seem very helpful,” you make sure you point them over here. SAYING I’M NOT HELPFUL IS A LIE. Now, Ken, on the other hand, is holding back some sort of ancient German film secret, but I’ll give him a pass. I enjoy his company just that much. I won’t be so lenient next time, though. I have to think of my readers. MY READERS DEMAND SATISFACTION KEN.