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Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT!

I know that I usually do all of the insane search terms in one post. But I don’t know if anyone noticed? But this month’s search term post was CUCKOO-BANANAS LONG. Like, nine pages in Word long. That’s too long. MUCH TOO LONG. I might have killed off some of my readers.

Back in the day, I used to do this “Ask Lucy” thing and it was the WORST. No one ever asked me any questions and I hate begging for anything because it puts a big old wound in my pride and makes me feel like I’m not having any fun at all and also like I want to throw things like wine glasses. And who wants to break all their wine glasses? No one who likes wine, that’s who.

BUT! Since this month’s search terms post was so long that I think I probably murdered some of my readers with the length, I thought, there are a lot of questions in my search terms this month. So it’s LIKE I can do an Ask Lucy, but not have to ask anyone to provide the questions, which was the part of the Ask Lucy that I hated, anyway.

SO!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And I can answer these questions! I totally can! I mean, I love to be helpful, no joke. I AM HELPFUL.

are you a psychopath if you have narcolepsy  I don’t think you’re a psychopath. I think the two can be mutually exclusive. I mean, are you falling asleep and murdering people, or maybe falling asleep and hanging people in your closet and forcing them to play Pictionary with you? Then probably you’re both. But are you just falling asleep randomly, like when you’re driving or running in charity 5Ks? Or are you just murdering puppies? Then you’re just either/or. See? I totally solved that. It’s worrying me you asked it, though, to be frank. You’re welcome! Also a little scary!

how do i know i’ve got toxoplasma gondii  Well, first you read my totally groundbreaking post about how your cat is trying to kill you with brain parasites and see if you have the signs. Then if you think you do, you…um…I don’t know, the article didn’t talk about anything that could be done to cure it or anything. I guess you just deal. You’re welcome. And, sorry.

is dire straits song you and your friend about lesbians?  I just looked it up and it seems to be about cheating, maybe. So I guess it could be about lesbians, and cheating with a lesbian. This is an odd question. Why does it matter? You’re welcome. And, why do you care?

is it normal to feel like shit on valentine’s day when you have no one  YES. Because society conspires to make you feel like shit when you’re alone on Valentine’s Day more so than any other day with the commercials and the flowers and the jewelry and related frou-frou coupley nonsense. Just ignore it. It goes away in 24 hours. It’s like a 24-hour bug only with less phlegm and more depressed weeping. You’re welcome. Sorry it sucks. Hope you bought some half price chocolate the day after.

names of actresses from raymour and flanigan commercials  I don’t know about “actresses” but the “actress” that I know is Yvonne Perry. She is kind of a big deal around here. She stars in a lot of plays over at Cap Rep Theater. When I went to a play there recently the old people in back of me were all, “There’s the FURNITURE LADY” every time she came out on stage. It was annoying. Also, one time, a mutual friend reposted one of her photos on Facebook? And it was Yvonne Perry and NATHAN FILION. She totally acted in a soap opera with Nathan Filion one time. CAPTAIN TIGHTPANTS ZOMG. You’re welcome. It’s odd you want to know this, but you’re welcome.

statistic percent of people that like buttercream frosting  The answer for this is undoubtedly all. At my grocery store, they have two options: buttercream frosting and “bestcreme” frosting. “Bestcreme” is just whipped cream. Who wants whipped cream frosting? What a frigging gyp that is. Buttercream is where it’s at. Also, are you doing a project where you need to know that statistic? Do you need people to volunteer as tasters? I’ll volunteer. I’m very buttercream-frosting friendly. You’re welcome. Call me!

super totally awesome food in the binghamton area The answer is obviously Spiedies. Spiedies are the crack cocaine of the Binghamton area. I ate my WEIGHT in Spiedies when I lived there. What’s a Spiedie, Amy, you’re asking?

I'm Homer Simpsoning all over this right now, seriously.

It is chicken marinated in this vinegary sauce and then roasted on a grill and served in a crusty roll. IT IS HEAVENLY. I can’t even describe how amazing. I tried to recreate them once I moved away but it’s impossible. It’s like they only exist in that area code. EAT SOME SPEDIES. You are WELCOME. I’m totally salivating right now. (Also, “super totally awesome food” made me giggle.)

what do blue footballs taste like  I don’t know what this is. I assume it’s a food item. Otherwise, why are you eating it? But I am HERE to HELP YOU. So I will research it.  ZOMG they are Xanax. It is the STREET NAME for Xanax. Why do you care what they TASTE like? You’re not supposed to CHEW them. You’re supposed to SWALLOW them. With WATER. Why are you a big weird weirdo? I’m sure they taste like bitter burning like most pills do. You’re welcome, stop chewing medication.

what do you have against dating “short dudes and people with walking issues”  This is a reference to my mom, actually. Who dated a short dude, and also a bouncy dude, before my dad. In that case, I was just sticking up for my dad. Why would I have wanted my mom to marry someone OTHER than my dad? My dad RULES. If she procreated with someone else, what kind of half my DNA would I have ended up with, anyway? I don’t like change. I don’t want to be half some short or bouncy guy. I like that this questioner is all “I dare say my good man!” over this. I don’t date short dudes because I am tall and prefer men at my height or taller; and, well, people with walking issues – I guess it would depend on the person? Like, if I really liked them, who cares, I guess. But if they’re a douchebag, then I don’t want them, whether they can walk or not. You’re welcome, easily offended McGee.

what is worse than a douche canoe? Hee! You are NOT going to believe this, but we totally had this discussion at my theater JUST THE OTHER NIGHT. The answer is a WHOLE DOUCHE YACHT. Barring that, a douche garbage barge is also pretty bad. But douchecanoe just sounds better, the way it trips off the tongue, right? You’re welcome. Use the phrases often and well.

why everyone loves breakfast at tiffany’s  I don’t know. Nostalgia? Audrey Hepburn? How totally hot George Peppard is? The pretty costumes? New York City? I’m not sure about this one, myself. You’re welcome. I think.

why is dont fear the reaper gay It IS? I think you’re wrong about this. I don’t think it is. Because they listen to it ALL THE TIME on Supernatural. And Supernatural isn’t gay. I mean, once and a while they have a gay character, but overall it’s pretty manly-man, you know? Why would you think “Don’t Fear the Reaper” is gay? I think it’s about an ACTUAL reaper. Like, DEATH. It’s not a euphemism for gayness. People think everything’s gay all the time, it’s annoying. There is not this super-secret gay agenda to sneak stuff into the straight media, you guys, I promise. The Pink Mafia (I totally want to be a foot soldier in the Pink Mafia, you don’t even know) probably doesn’t even WANT to claim “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” You’re welcome, I think you might be chewing blue footballs.

why people who dont vote suck  Because they’re allowing democracy to go on around them without taking part. And often they are the ones that complain the loudest when they don’t like the elected officials. But they don’t get a say! They didn’t vote! I think, as a citizen, it’s our DUTY to vote. You do the research and you vote for the candidate whose values and stance align most closely to your own. I feel very strongly about this, seriously. I was just yelling at, I MEAN DISCUSSING it with, my dad the other night. (Also, psst, I love to vote love love LOVE to vote. Why wouldn’t you want to vote? IT IS SO MUCH FUN.) You’re welcome, go vote already. OK, fine, not NOW, there’s probably no vote going on NOW, but when it’s voting time, VOTE ALREADY.

why does lucy pull the football away? oh, psychology.  This is AWESOME. Yes. Oh, psychology. Well, Lucy’s an asshole, really. A bullying asshole. Who enjoys the power she holds over Charlie Brown in the form of the football. And she pulls it away so she can retain that power. If she lets him kick it, she loses her power. I mean, I guess she might be trying to teach him a lesson about life, too. Like, “Hey, Charlie Brown, life’s not all giggles & sunshine, babe, get used to it now, you huge-headed weirdo!” but mostly I just think she’s a bullying asshole. You’re welcome.

why the hell can i not print my family crest?!?!?! ZOMG are you pissed off about this or WHAT? Holy HELL. SO MANY INTERROBANGS. I don’t know how you got to my blog with this search phrase. Have I ever talked about family crests or the inability to print them? I am SO SORRY you can’t print. I’m totally not an IT guru. Did you try saving the image and then pasting it into a Word document and then printing the Word document? Sometimes that works, I don’t know. DON’T INTERROBANG ME ANYMORE. You’re welcome?!?!?!?

why they created the hulk to be angry  He’d be pretty damn boring if he was calm, wouldn’t he? Just this big green guy, sitting around with a pipe and slippers watching Judge Judy or something? MAD IS MORE FUN. You’re welcome. HULK THANKS YOU FOR VISITING. HULK NO SMASH YOU.

why does zak bagans treat aaron rudely  Because Zak Bagans is a gigantic douchecanoe and thinks he is “funny” when really he is “a dumbass.” I don’t know. Why are you watching that stupid show? A better question is, why is Aaron so skinny now? I just want to give him a sandwich. And then make out with him. You’re welcome.

why do the germans watch breakfast at tiffany’s  Listen. LISTEN. I totally asked Ken this one but he DID NOT ANSWER ME. So I think that it’s probably a secret that no one wants us to know the answer to. Like a total German conspiracy. Maybe Germany isn’t ALLOWING Ken to reply to the tweet I sent him about this, I don’t know. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THIS RIGHT NOW. I don’t live in Germany. I visited Germany once. I stayed in Berlin. I don’t remember much about it. There might have been a bronze pig statue, although that might have been in another European country because I was sleepy for a lot of that trip. We visited the Checkpoint Charlie museum. We stayed in a weird hostel. The people in it walked around naked a lot. That was off-putting. Although, come to think of it, they probably weren’t Germans if they were staying in a hostel in Germany, right? They probably would be staying in their HOME if they were Germans. So I don’t know what was up with the nudity. There were many delicious chocolates in the grocery stores, so that was nice. Oh, and I’m totally learning all the exciting German from Ken. Here’s a word I like, ready? I didn’t learn this from Ken, I looked it up all on my own because I’m greedy for knowledge LIKE A SPONGE. Ready? Do you know how you say “cougar” in German? Puma. IS THAT NOT AWESOME? Because cougars and pumas are totally like the same thing, aw! Love! ALSO, did you know that “dachshund” literally translates to “badger dog” I assume because dachshunds probably were used to roustabout badgers at some point? I AM TOTALLY THE BEST AT GERMAN YOU GUYS. But other than that, I don’t know enough about Germany to answer your question, which is WHY I asked KEN to answer it for you but he never ever did so I’m pretty sure that it’s a secret because otherwise why would he not help you out? He’s totally helpful, seriously. So probably I could make up a story for you, like Germans love American CULTURE, and Germans want to know what it was like to live in New York City back in the DAY, or Germans like Audrey Hepburn like French people purportedly like Jerry Lewis, or some such thing, BUT I DON’T KNOW FOR SURE. I think Ken knows. He’s just not telling. You’re welcome. Blame Ken. But not too much. Because then I’d have to punch you. I’m allowed to harass him because it’s out of LOVE. If other people do it I feel like I have to defend him because that’s what I do with the approximately four people I like in the world because most people annoy the piss out of me.

definition of shit ton and ass hat  Oh, now this. THIS I can do. A shit ton is like a TOTAL LOT OF SOMETHING. Like, here, I’ll use it in a sentence. “I had a shit ton of homework to do and a headache like you wouldn’t believe.” Or, “I have a shit ton of Cheetos in my sweet El Camino.” An ass hat is a douchebag. Or, more literally, someone who has their head stuck up their own ass. So, therefore, has their “ass” as a “hat.” An asshat. Oh, you don’t think I can use that in a sentence? WATCH ME CHARLIE. “It became clear to Myrtle that Joey was a total asshat when he started snapping at the waitress to bring him a drink refill.” You’re welcome. This was a really good question. I feel like I should be thanking YOU.

do kookaburras like shiny things Everything likes shiny things, my friend. Shiny things are the best and the brightest. Since kookaburras are so totally boss, I can only imagine they LOVE shiny things. As much as I do, perhaps. (SPEAKING OF KOOKABURRAS! I will be seeing A LIVE KOOKABURRA in 2.5 months. I know. It’s the best. I’m X-ing days off my calendar like a prisoner of war, here.) I mean, I don’t know if you’re asking, “Are kookaburras magpies?” with the hoarding of the shiny? I can’t answer that at the moment. I’ll ask the kookaburra when I see him in 2.5 months. You’re welcome. Thank you for bringing up kookaburras, it made my day.

There! Was that not the most helpful Q & A you’ve ever had? I know I feel so much better-brighter-smarter-faster, how about you?

If anyone ever says, “Amy from Lucy’s Football, she doesn’t seem very helpful,” you make sure you point them over here. SAYING I’M NOT HELPFUL IS A LIE. Now, Ken, on the other hand, is holding back some sort of ancient German film secret, but I’ll give him a pass. I enjoy his company just that much. I won’t be so lenient next time, though. I have to think of my readers. MY READERS DEMAND SATISFACTION KEN.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

14 responses to “Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT!

  • doesmybumlookbiginthis

    ‘are you a psychopath if you have narcolepsy’ and ‘why they created the hulk to be angry’ are my favourites.

    This is genius. YOU are a genius. I totally lol’d a lot in this post. Also now i know the definition of asshat i will be using it A LOT. I think you’ve given me the put-everything-in-capitals bug as well. I like it :) xx

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I adore you. Thank you so much! And I LOVE that I’ve addicted you to capslock! I’m slooowly turning people on to the wonders of capslock. It’s very cathartic. It’s so much better for when you really want to get your point across than italics. I mean, italics are classy, sure. But CAPSLOCK shows you mean BUSINESS. :)

      Like

  • Mister Doctor Professor Susurrus M. Chiaroscuro, Esquire

    1) “It is chicken marinated in this vinegary sauce and then roasted on a grill and served in a crusty roll.” Vinegary foods pair well with a nice Malbec. Tell that person to get a bottle of malbec when they go eat that revolting looking sandwich.

    2) “You’re welcome, stop chewing medication.” Lily has to take chewable medication because she doesn’t get that she’s supposed to swallow pills. So probably that person was a person like Lily, who can’t swallow pills and wants to know what to expect when he/she has to take xanax. I bet it tastes “bad”

    3) “And often they are the ones that complain the loudest when they don’t like the elected officials. ” There is no data to support this claim. I vote. But I totally get when people feel fed up because their vote “doesn’t count”. When you watch the news and you see that ‘your’ candidate is going to lose 70% to 30% because the Republican candidate ALWAYS loses in the city of Pittsburgh it is pretty hard to summon up the “giveashit” required to throw your annual vote into the toilet for the 24th straight year. You know? That said, I vote because I don’t think it’s fair to piss and moan about what a shitty job the other guy is doing in office unless I can say that “I voted for the other guy. he’d be kicking ass right now”.

    4) Ken’s a pretty cool dude.

    5) Did you know there are in excess of 20 verses for the kookaburra song? I printed some out one day because I used to sing it to Lily while drying her off on my lap just out of the bath. She’d say, “Don’t sing please.” and I’d ignore her and sing the only two versus of kookaburra I knew. . .

    “kookaburra sits on the old gum tree,
    merry merry king of the bush is he,
    laugh kookaburra laugh kookaburra,
    gay your life must be”

    and then end with (for obvious reasons)

    “kookaburra sits on the old train track,
    along comes a train and knocks him flat,
    poor kookaburra poor kookaburra,
    that’s the end of that.”

    Sometimes she’d should “kookaburra” along with me as I sang the song, and when I finished, even though she commanded me not to sing (politely), she’d say, “I want more kookaburra!”

    I have two more verses committed to memory just to prolong the music, but I won’t share them. . . too much typing.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      1. It is NOT revolting! It is DELICIOUS! You’re not too far from Binghamton, are you? Wait, I’ll look it up. Oh, crap, you ARE far. 6 hours is too far. OK, the next time you get sent on a super-fancy business trip, encourage them to do business in Binghamton. Then get a spiedie. You will LOVE it. So, so good. I have been craving one ever since I blogged about it. It’s HAUNTING me.

      2. I think you’re giving the medication-chewer too much credit. If this was a childrens’ medication, maybe (but what’s a kid doing searching the internet like that?) But it’s Xanax. What kid’s chewing Xanax? I think it’s someone who either got an unnamed pill and wants to know what it is or wants to roofie someone. I always go for the worst-case scenario, as you can see.

      3. No, you’re right. I have no data. I make up a lot of my claims. That’s why they’re funny. But in my OBSERVATION (which means, of the people I talk to, and that’s pretty much theater people, because that’s my social life) I run into so many people who DO NOT VOTE. Then they’re all, “not enough funding for the arts! Not enough parking! So much crime! Our mayor looks like a cartoon character!” and it makes me INSANE because you didn’t VOTE, STOP COMPLAINING. The sheer fact that you vote even though you know your candidate will lose is just one more checkmark in the “why Mister Doctor Professor Susurrus M. Chiaroscuro, Esquire is one of my favorite internet residents” column. That is awesome. That sounds sarcastic. It’s not. I think voting even though you KNOW it probably won’t make a difference is amazing and honestly means more than voting when you know your candidate will win. Seriously, no sarcasm in the least.

      4. Isn’t he? He makes me laugh probably more on a daily basis than almost anyone. Well, no, Dumbcat makes me laugh probably the most. He fell off a chair into his own water dish tonight. Then he was all, “Hey! I was thirsty after all, HOW FORTUITOUS” and had a nice long drink. He’s all about making lemons into lemonade, my cat is.

      5. Lily asking for more kookaburra made me so happy I clapped. At work. So, quietly. But I still clapped. Kookaburras are magic! I will take many photos of the kookaburra I see in May for you and Lily. That being said, one of the kookaburra verses is about the kookaburra being HIT BY A TRAIN? Goodness gracious. I don’t approve of that at all. That’s unneccessary. Those weird Australians.

      Like

  • elaine4queen

    badger dog?

    i did not know that. gives dachshunds a totally new edge.

    Like

  • Rod

    Do you want questions? I can totally ask questions! OK, they may not be great questions, in fact, many would be absolutely stupid, annoying and nonsensical.
    I ask because I have a habit of finding more stupid or weird questions if I start. You know, like Newton’s Second Law of Motion.

    Example:
    If purple was a smell, what sound would it make?
    (Sure, this question isn’t very serious, but I don’t think you can beat the answer I got from kaitlynwithakay on YouTube way back in March 2009.)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ha! No, I don’t need questions. I used to ask for them but I felt like I was begging and it was NOT fun times.

      I could not answer that question. I am not good at things like that.

      FINE. I’ll think of an answer.

      “Squish.”

      I told you. Not good at things like that at all. I do not have abstract brain.

      Like

  • lahikmajoe

    I don’t remember this question being posed, and I have to admit that I wouldn’t have known what to answer anyway.

    Because I wasn’t aware that Germans love Breakfast at Tiffany’s any more than anyone else does. Some Germans really like American cultural icons, and especially Audrey Hepburn. But more than other countries/cultures. No way for me to know.

    Wait, I know let me do a scientific poll to help you get a more accurate assessment. I’ll ask many Germans if they like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. If they answer yes, I’ll ask why they like it.

    This’ll be great, right?

    Soon you’ll have your answer.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I can’t believe you don’t, the minute you wake up, IMMEDIATELY check if I’ve tweeted you. And if I haven’t, then go to my page and see ALL THE THINGS YOU MISSED. I kind of feel like I don’t even know you right now.

      This WILL be great. I seriously read this comment and immediately told my friend at the theater there was going to be a scientific German poll about “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and she was all, “Sometimes I think you make things up because the things you say seem too outlandish to be real” and I said, “No, SERIOUSLY, poll! Germans! Audrey Hepburn!” and I think she didn’t believe me.

      Wait until I show her this poll. Oh, will SHE feel foolish.

      (Also, “I’ll ask many Germans” made me laugh. A lot. MANY Germans! I like to imagine you on the street, accosting passersby. “Sir? Excuse me, do you like ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’? Sir? No, I’m not trying to sell anything…sir? FINE.'”)

      Like

      • lahikmajoe

        So far, I’ve asked my wife, who’s German.

        Me: Do you like Breakfast at Tiffany’s?
        Wife: The one with Audrey Hepburn? Yes, it was ok.
        Me: You didn’t love it? Germans are said to love that film.
        Wife: Hm, not sure if I should change my vote. No. It was ok. Go talk to other Germans. I’m busy right now.

        Like

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