Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:
It’s February, even though here in upstate New York it feels like April, and listen, once I went through all of your search terms, I was left kind of perplexed. I was befuddled. I was bothered and bewildered, but I was NOT bewitched, because I think that implies I have a crush on you as a whole and I totally have a crush on some of you, like as a subset of a whole, but I do not have a crush on the whole set of you because some of you are total weirdos fulled with weird cream filling, I’m being completely honest here.
I had a banner day earlier this month, due to Reddit. I don’t understand Reddit. To me, it seems like where the cool kids hang out, so therefore I avoid it because the cool kids scare me because there might be catcalling? But just in case anyone from Reddit stuck around (and ZOMG if anyone from Reddit stuck around I AM SO NERVOUS RIGHT NOW I hope my hair’s not poking up all weird), here’s the scoop on my monthly stats-driven post o’insanity: I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the eighth one. As you can tell from the title. Search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Because I feel bad for the searchers all lost alone in the world, that’s why. Searching and searching, and they find me, and they think they’ve found a lighthouse, but really what they found was one of those tricky fish with a light hanging off their head that want to eat their faces instead, you know?
The search terms this month were less porny (which means I need to step up my porn output or I’ll totally not get invited to those porn awards in Vegas this year, am I right?) and there were a LOT of them and some were totally strange. Just totally and completely off-the-wall. Yet, as always, some managed to just tickle me with their adorability. NO DON’T TAKE THAT AS AN INVITATION TO TICKLE ME. Do I LOOK like Elmo? No I do not.
So ANYWAY, instead of addressing you all individually, which would make you feel both special and embarrassed at the same time, I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. If it makes you feel better, think of it as group therapy. FOR YOUR INTERNET USAGE. You’re WELCOME. You really need to work on your gratitude, you know.
Oh, I totally got some more of those stalker search terms? But I’m not putting them in. Sorry, asshole. You’re not getting a mention this month. Or ever again. Suck it. Get a friggin’ life.
Category the First: Things I am not 100% sure there is a need for
am i obsessed with panties quiz
I don’t think you need a quiz to tell you if you’re obsessed with panties. Is all you can think about panties? YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PANTIES. There. You passed/failed the quiz, dependent on your answer. You’re welcome, Wally Weirdface. (Also, the word “panties” is an indicator you’re obsessed with panties. People hate the word panties. Almost as much as the word “moist.”)
Category the Second: STOP LEAVING ME HANGING
five men you can think about without
it is she nice what was the job
what does it mean when it is not possible
you can’t say forever alone because
All of these things are upsetting because you didn’t finish your search string, dammit. Apparently you’ve WHAT. Five men you can think about without WHAT. What’s not possible? Why can’t I say forever alone, WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
Also, I like the “it is she nice what was the job” one, because it’s like the person started texting or something and then realized, “oh, shit, this is Google search, not my text message box on my phone, I’m so dumb.” What was the job, by the way? I hope not standing outside one of those fly-by-night tax agencies wearing an Uncle Sam costume. Those jobs seem like they’d be the worst.
Category the Third: Quotey things that are a little perplexing
“hate short guys”
“hi!” can “i have punch and cookies”
“i hate breakfast at tiffany’s”
“i’m google’s bitch”
“peed my pants”
“urgent call of nature”
In the past, the quotey things have been actual quotes of things I’ve said on my blog. These aren’t, really. Or if they are, they don’t stand out as especially memorable. They’re kind of random and odd. But they’re in quotes! So they were important. To…someone. For some reason. Yeah, I don’t know, either.
(The punch and cookies are on the folding table by the intercom, please help yourself. But don’t be greedy. I have to make sure there’s enough for everyone.)
Category the Fourth: Sometimes search terms made me a sad panda
am i the only one here who hates pinterest? This person seems so alone in their Pinterest hate, don’t they? Aw. Listen, I’ve pinned like 14 things now. I still don’t GET it, but I don’t HATE it. But no, precious, you’re not alone. YOU ARE NOT ALLLOOOONEEEE
how to test if you have brain pparasites The first test is doubling up on p’s in your words OH SHIT SORRY
what happens if you touch rat poison in ur vagina Um…why would you…oh, oh my no.
when girl scouts are mean to each other I don’t even want to think about what led someone to search for this, I really don’t.
who is the long hair “bearded” guy on credit card commercial he has a young child in a shopping cart
who is the redhead girl with tic in leroy ny Both of these search terms make me think you want to date these people. Do you want to date these people? Why is “bearded” in quotes? WHAT IS GOING ON?
why am i so affected by whitney houston’s death i didn’t even really like her ZOMG. Because it was everywhere on every single news outlet everywhere and the world wanted you to be sad, I think? Or because a human died and it’s a natural reaction to be sad in that case? Someone went online and typed this in, seriously.
win people slepping tuch me …I have no words.
Category the Fifth: Right place, wrong level of taste for home decorating
animal skin butt bottle opener
deer ass hole bottle opener
You don’t need this. Trust me. You really, really don’t.
Category the Sixth: Pervy Search Terms (danger Will Robinson, because, ew)
big brother mem piss
dads best friend screws my mom when dad is gos to work
football gay frontall
frotteurism “rubbing off on me”
lucy giving charlie brown blowjob
one flew over the cuckoo’s nest tits
porn by normal people
send me photos of your cock tumblr
I know these are gross, but they’re also somewhat tame, comparatively. This is NOT a CHALLENGE to make them ICKIER, Ding Dong Joe.
Also, things you don’t need: cartoon porn; a tumblr where people send you photos of their hot beef injections; and “porn by normal people” (I think that’s called a sex tape, right? And ugh.)
What’s a frontall? No, if it’s gross, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know.
What’s the little story up there? “Dad is gos to work?” Hee. Kid should is gos to English class, I think.
Category the Seventh: Do Your Own Homework, Kiddos, This Isn’t Cheatland Central
any reference to fairy tales in the five people you meet in heaven Read the book, cheater. It’s totally short, it’s a good read if you like tearjerky things, and you can figure it out for yourself. I promise. It’s the least complicated book you’ll ever read.
make me a pie chart Get into that kitchen and rattle them pots and paaaans! No. You don’t ask nicely? That’s rude. Maybe you need to attend etiquette classes.
write a sentence using the word football Seriously? You went online for this? You couldn’t do this yourself? What is happening in the world today? And, psst, YOUR SEARCH STRING IS A SENTENCE. You already did your own homework. Gah.
Category the Eighth: Curiouser and Curiouser
book you can read online for kids about someone puts pepper up someones nose to make them sneeze but they wont stop sneezeing
buy ai totally take back all those times i didn’t want to nap t shirt
dirty joke you knew i was a snake when you picked me up
film in which they pretend to be spazzes
gyno lucys dreams
holiday for damien and lucy
i hate restraining orders
i will not die i will survive i will not die im waiting for u i feel alive from happnes i made i will not die im waiting for you in my time of dyinggggg
life is like a box of shit, you don’t know what it tastes like until…google finishes the sentence for you… cause google knows what those chocolates taste like… and they are not chocolates… ha ha ha …very funny “go straight to hell, do not pass go, and do not collect $200.00”.
man with unruly hair villages man with unruly hair villages
we looked up to see this couple legit sleeping in the outdoor furniture area. we were so perplexed
These are all very confusing searches. VERY CONFUSING.
You want a book about torturing someone with pepper? You want a dirty joke about the scorpion story? (Does that even exist?) I think people pretend to be spazzes in a LOT of films. “Gyno lucys dreams?” What? Damien and I are going on a holiday? Damien from The Omen? Ooh, where are we going, and how often do I have to tell him “It’s all for YOU Damien” while we’re there? I’m sorry you hate restraining orders. Maybe restrain yourself and they wouldn’t be an issue. The song lyric (I assume that’s what it is) is funny because a., I’ve never heard of that, and b., they took the time to stretch out the g. The Forrest Gump-ian story is just…I don’t even know.
I’d also be perplexed to see people “legit” sleeping in the outdoor furniture area. I cannot lie.
MEN WITH UNRULY HAIR VILLAGES TIMES TWO. I don’t know what this is? But I think this is obviously the village of my birth, and I need to find it so I can live amongst my people.
Category the Ninth: You sure do love the celebs
anyone else glad whitney houston is dead
benedict cumberbatch (x3)
benedict cumberbatch bushy eyebrows
benedict cumberbatch cast as outlander
funny twisted sarcastic whitney houston
i am bored with whitney houstons death
logan echolls aspergers (x3)
spencer reid (x8)
what football team does benedict cumberbatch support
matt lantner (x3)
So you’re obsessed this month with Benedict Cumberbatch (nice choice), Spencer Reid (can’t complain, but hands off my husband) and Matt Lantner (I MENTIONED HIM ONE TIME.) Also apparently people are totally not swept up in Whitney-mania. They will NOT always love her.
Tip 1: Although I love him, Benedict Cumberbatch could not play Jamie in Outlander. He could play Roger, though. I’ve spent some serious time thinking about this. He could play Roger, if he had a passable Scottish burr. But he couldn’t play Jamie, even if he bulked up and dyed his hair red. He’s just too metrosexual to play Jamie. Sorry, searcher. ALSO, when I started researching this, I found out that the movie for Outlander is in the works. SQUEE, right? WRONG. Because guess who’s attached to play Claire? Izzy. IZZY IS ATTACHED TO PLAY CLAIRE. What? You don’t know who Izzy is? Fine, maybe you aren’t obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. Izzy = Katherine Heigl. Katherine Heigl CANNOT PLAY A BELIEVABLE CLAIRE. Gah. They’re making my book into a generic foreign-set rom com. I HAS A BITTER.
Tip 2: Logan Echolls did not have Asperger’s. Logan was a narcissist. Logan was a spoiled, abused rich boy with both mommy AND daddy issues. But Logan didn’t have Asperger’s. I mean, yes, he didn’t care much for the feelings of the people around him, but it wasn’t due to not realizing they existed or being insensitive to them due to Asperger’s. It was because he was broken inside. And then Veronica helped fix him. Shut up, I love that show.
Category the Tenth: ZOMG I’m about to blind myself Equus-style with a metal spike, I swear.
lucy football grammer post
Do I need to also do a SPELLING post? I will. I totally will. Just say the word.
Category the Eleventh: Why are you stalking my Twitter friends HERE? You’re doing stalking wrong.
I don’t get this, honestly. I don’t even know if I’ve mentioned either of them on here. Why are you stalking them on my blog? That is creeptastic. Also, I don’t think @jbrown3079 wants you to search him with sex attached. I mean, he might, but he seems pretty level-headed and totally un-pervy, so probably he’d just tell you to cut that right the hell out.
Category the Twelfth: Thank you for the laugh, because I needed it today.
cat dressed up like a deer
chart of boring person
comatose piano sheet music free
deer butt doorbell
effing tuba owch
gay your life must be not being rude that’s just how the song goes
kookaburra song no gay
google busty it knows exactly what you’re searching for
hamster wearing clothes
peter pan aliens
piglet dont look like a pig
pudding’s pretty sacred
reader’s digest joke, screw your damn canoe
real new murder solving shows
santorum talk of ladies’ bits
so many paper cuts
sylar does not approve of your shenanigans
touching boys is icky
zombies’ priceless relationship
angry fighty man
I assume the “cat dressed up like a deer” was Dumbcat wearing a reindeer costume? Awesome. Hamster wearing clothes? Also awesome. Piglet does NOT look like a pig, you are correct.
A chart of a boring person would probably not have a lot on it. It might just be a blank piece of paper.
Comatose piano sheet music! That’s like a weapon. You could play that to smite your enemies!
There’s a deer butt DOORBELL? You could make your callers push an ass? That’s the ultimate in tacky. With a side of a wee-bit awesome.
“Effing tuba owch.” Hee. That’s totally the time I killed Andreas with that tuba. Sorry for that, Andreas.
I like the up-in-arms kookaburra people. “That’s not RUDE! It’s just how the SONG goes!” “Kookaburra song NO GAY!”
I don’t want to Google busty. But what if I was looking for a bust? Like, of Napoleon? Would Google know what I was looking for then?
What makes the greige search funny is the question mark “Greige?” Like, they’re not quiiiite sure about that. I’m not, either. (Surprisingly, greige makes a great nail polish color. Just a tip, from one nail-polish obsessed person to you. Especially on pale people. It’s just a little bit kooky, so you’re ahead of the curve, but it’s also businesslike. I like it much and have probably ten different bottles of ten different shades of it.)
Peter Pan aliens. What? Is that a conspiracy theory? AWESOME.
Pudding’s totally sacred. Don’t even mess with my pudding.
I want the rest of that canoe joke.
“Real new murder solving shows.” YES. I will take THREE, please.
“Ladies’ bits” – EXCELLENT. I like that a lot. You get a gold star.
So many paper cuts. So, so many. Sigh.
“Sylar does not approve of your shenanigans.” No. He totally wouldn’t. He would use his magic finger to saw open your brain and then he would eat your brain. But he’d be so handsome doing it, you don’t even know.
Touching boys is icky. Touching men…whole other story. Trust me on that one.
“Zombies’ priceless relationship.” Aw! THAT IS PRICELESS.
“Angry fighty man.” That’s totally excellent use of Amy-grammar, right there. I approve.
Category the Thirteenth: Search Terms That Are Just Plain Awesome
channing tatum annoying
i am not good at this “being a lady thing”
i am scared of people drsssed up
i kind of hate people
ouija board online non-scary
zak bagans isnt very bright
These are all awesome things that I have mentioned, approve of, and give my stampy-stamp of awesomeness. (Oh, this is for you, Andreas: STAMP STAMP STAMP.)
Also! A tip. There is NO non-scary Ouija board. None. None at all. STAY AWAY FROM THOSE EFFING THINGS. Have you never SEEN a horror movie? They are GATEWAYS to DOOM. Also demon infestations.
Category the Fourteenth: It’s All Relative, Isn’t It?
cemetery coolest headstone There’s no way to tell this. I would think it would be huge. And probably have some sort of carving on it. Like a crying cherub or some such nonsense, I don’t know. OOH! Or death. Death wearing a cowl pointing at all people who came to mourn. Yep. That would be the coolest headstone.
did rudolph valentino have a big nose It wasn’t small. But I’m sure someone had a bigger one. Why do you want to know this? Do you think he’s secretly your grandpa?
was whitney houston a horrible person WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE OBSESSED WITH WHITNEY HOUSTON. Also, I am not the go-to for Whitney Houston. I’m sure you could do better elsewhere. Horrible person? I don’t know. She got into drugs, she died. It happens, I guess. I’m not passing judgment on her.
Category the Fifteenth: AAAAHHHHH
Stop searching my blog for this I put it up one time as a horrible twisted joke STOP IT STOP IT
Category the Sixteenth: I am the go-to person for arsenic poisoning; on a related note, I think I’m being followed by the FBI?
le pouding a l’arsenic score
le roy ny exorcism
le roy rough on rats
le roy salem witch hunt rochester
leroy chemical spill
leroy ny poisoned
leroy rat poison
leroy, ny rat poison (+ 13 more similar searches)
Listen, FBI, just because I blogged about this doesn’t mean I am the perpetrator of this. I SEE YOU IN MY DUMPSTER THERE.
Also, did I get a French search term? That’s kind of kickass, no?
Category the Sixteenth: I’m totally the most famous. I don’t know for what, though.
lucy’s football kevin smith
lucys porn page
lucys stupid thyroid
lucy pops the cat on facebook
lucy seagull hair
lucy the bearcat waving
I don’t know if all of these things relate to me. There’s a porn star Lucy. They could be looking for her. I can assure you I’m not the porn star. I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face in porn, seriously. The minute the pizza guy came in I’d be all, “What an overused trope! HA HA HA!” Now, though, I’m thinking, am I supposed to have a porn page? Is that a thing I’m supposed to have?
Why are you insulting my poor broken thyroid? It’s not even in the picture anymore! It’s been medical waste for five years!
“Seagull hair.” Yep. That’s a good explanation for this nonsense, some days.
Aw, waving bearcats! I’m down with that.
WHAT IS POPPING THE CAT. No, no, that’s a rhetorical question. I don’t want to know.
Also, it’s really only a matter of time before Kevin Smith and I are total BFFs. I think that’s pretty obvious, right? RIGHT.
WHEW. I am exhausted. You people were the most searchy this month. I’m sorry you got so lost. I hope you are found now. DON’T GO INTO THE LIGHT CAROLE ANN.
Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.
(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)