I’ve given you growlights and mineral supplements, what do you want from me, blood?

There is some major worrisome stuff going down in the world of science, my friends. WORRISOME TIMES A MILLION.

Like, I’m fairly sure it’s all signs of end times. I don’t know if it’s zombie end times, or if it’s the Mayan end times (and I honestly don’t even know what the Mayan end times entail, fire, maybe? I hope not, I’m totally fearful of fire) or what, but END TIMES ARE NIGH. I’m pretty sure I’m going to need a sandwich board or something and start standing on street corners.

OK. Let’s see what’s up in the world of science. Andreas, please feel free to chime in or refute, as you are the Lucy’s Football resident scientist on duty AT ALL TIMES. Even when you are sleeping. I’m pretty sure you’re going to need to give me your phone number so I can start calling you AT ALL HOURS. I’m sure no one in your household will mind even one teeny tiny bit if your phone rings at 3:30am because I’m writing a sciency post, right? I mean, if they do, just tell them that it’s all part of the job you signed up for* (*were totally signed up for without consent) and you really have no say in the matter.

Didn’t any of you SEE Jurassic Park?

OK, so I was playing around online as a person does when they can’t sleep or whatever and found THIS.

“Dead for 32,000 years, an arctic plant is revived.”


Apparently, you were all SLEEPING through Jurassic Park 1 AND 2, when people thought it would be a GOOD IDEA to revive dinosaur plants and animals. WHICH THEN ATE PEOPLE AND ATTEMPTED TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

Oh, you want a recap so you don’t have to click. I can be brief. SHUT UP I CAN. Scientists found frozen fruit from this plant and thawed it and grew it in a lab and IT TOTALLY STILL GREW AFTER ALL THAT TIME. That is NOT NATURAL. Sometimes the seeds you get from the damn SEED CATALOGUE don’t work, how did this thing work? Nefarious! NEFARIOUS!

OK, look. I know, it totally LOOKS benign:

The perfect gift for Valentine's Day, if you want to give your Valentine THE GIFT OF DEATH.

…but really, who knows what’s next now? I mean, I SAW THE MOVIE. These people were all cloning dinosaurs from mosquitoes with dinosaur blood in their tummies stuck in amber. It is one short step from the pretty Narrow-Leafed Campion up there to YOUR FACE IS GETTING EATEN BY A VELOCIRAPTOR.

We still aren’t 100% sure what killed the dinosaurs, right? How do we know it wasn’t eating THAT PLANT UP THERE? We totally don’t. We don’t know that at all. Listen, Dumbcat eats houseplants. It’s why I can’t have houseplants. He noms them like there’s no tomorrow. So let’s say someone gave me that plant up there. And I brought it home. And Dumbcat nommed it with his dumb teeth. And I was all, “DUMBCAT! You are the reason we can’t have nice things!” And then it did something to him like mutated his already-mutated DNA and turned him into a bloodthirsty kittyraptor or something. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS PLANT WILL DO YOU GUYS. Also, the Russians did this. I know we SAY we trust the Russians now, but I’m not sure if we’ll be able to trust them once they have all the dinosaurs at their disposal.

This is worrisome. Sincerely worrisome. Also, not only have I seen Jurassic Park 1 AND 2, I’ve seen all the versions of Little Shop of Horrors, from the original, to the Rick Moranis movie, to a million billion stage versions. THAT PLANT ATE ALL THE PEOPLE AND ATTEMPTED TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD YO. Also, IT SANG. Do we really want singing bloodthirsty dinosaur plants taking over the world? Well? DO WE?

It’s only a matter of time before that Narrow-Leafed Campion up there is telling the scientists to feed him, Seymour, feed him all night looooong. I have a bad feeling about this.

I think the only explanation is aliens, I mean, come on, now.


OK, I’m exaggerating. Not all. Not ALL the moon rocks. Obviously, the moon itself still has plenty.

Because I totally know you’re not going to click, the story in a nutshell is that in the 70’s, 270 little teeny-tiny pieces of moon rock were given to different states and countries as gestures of goodwill from the US. Yes, I realize that’s some super-shitty goodwill but it was the 70s and everyone was all swept up in outer-space fever or whatever then. Now we are more jaded and rely on huffing paint behind the 7-11 to get our jollies, ok? FINE. OK, back on track, get that in your head: 270. How many are left? 110.


That’s not, like, four. That’s more than half of the total. And yes, the pieces were teeny, but if you add them all together, I think it’s pretty obvious that it’s aliens attempting to make a bridge home, or possibly Dr. Evil trying to make a space-age weapon.

Also, some of them pop up every once and a while on Ebay and they’re going for like five million (meeeelion) dollars.

OK, so that’s a lot of damn moon rocks. It’s obvious this is totally some organized thing where the perpetrators are all working together to get the moon rocks and then they’re going to probably unveil a Dr. Horrible-style freeze ray or something and we’re all effing doomed. WHY IS NO ONE TAKING THIS MORE SERIOUSLY.

MOON ROCKS. These aren’t SIDEWALK PEBBLES you guys. THESE ARE ALIEN ROCKS. They could totally have sci-fi powers, you don’t know.

If this isn’t the beginning of every single awful disaster movie you’ve ever seen then you never went to the movies in the late 80s to early 2000s, and if you didn’t, what the hell’s wrong with you. You were probably too busy having a “life” or “taking care of your kids” or something, weren’t you? Dammit. OUR LIVES ARE ON THE LINE. MOON ROCKS.

I’m not at all comfortable with this secret-language nonsense

So apparently undersea creatures have this secret language that we didn’t know anything about until recently.

It’s based on polarization. This is light humans can’t see? So it’s totally not even a secret language we can study up on or anything.

I don’t like this at all. That means that cephalopods (cuttlefish, squid and octopi) and some crustaceans are TALKING BEHIND OUR BACK USING LIGHT. Light we can’t SEE.

What the hell are they saying about us? Are they saying little things, like “Amy’s hair really is unruly today?” Are they gossiping, all, “ZOMG, did you SEE Matilda’s red purse at sea-church this morning, it was SO UGLY, she totally got that at from some vendor on the street or something, IT IS NOT A DESIGNER HANDBAG?” Or bigger things, like, “Mortimer, did you complete the mission of getting more of the moon rocks? Because they are essential to our plan. Also, did you convince the scientists that the Narrow-Leafed Campion WASN’T a harbinger of doom? WELL-PLAYED LITTLE MORTIMER WELL-PLAYED.”

Also, I’m pretty sure they’re coming to get me personally because I’m pretty sure in my lifetime I’ve probably contributed to the death of like 47 species of all of these. Well, probably not the cuttlefish. We’re cool, cuttlefish. But I’ve eaten (happily) all the others. AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN. When you barely like any food items, and you like seafood, YOU REALLY LIKE SEAFOOD.

So I’m pretty sure we better find a way to interpret what these animals are saying about us unless we want to be enslaved soon to our watery overlords because we thought we could just shrug off a whole language we couldn’t understand. It’s like you people don’t even WATCH movies, I swear.

Also, Andreas totally wants to be reincarnated as an octopus? So that’s actually awesome. Andreas! When you are reincarnated as an octopus, please find a way to communicate with me what the octopi have been saying about me. And if they’re making fun of my hair, please stick up for me. I can’t help it. It’s just the way my hair grows. I’d do it for you, buddy, if the cephalopods were making fun of your hair and I was reincarnated as one.


OK, so this is just distressing because it’s peer pressure IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM. But there are goats and they’re super-cute. Here’s a photo of some adorable pygmy goats before we talk about the goaty peer pressure.

I'm pretty sure the one in the middle is the bad seed.

OK, so according to this article which Andreas sent to me (well, he sent me a SIMILAR article that was a lot more sciency but I’ll be damned if I can find it, I think I might be going senile, I blame the cuttlefish), animals are SUPPOSED to sound the same, no matter where they live or come from, except pygmy goats, when they hang around with other pygmy goats, modify their goat bleats and such to sound like the pygmy goats they’re spending their time with.

Like, if you have a nice kid and he or she starts hanging out with someone with unruly hair and crazy eyes and one day your kid comes home and starts calling everyone a douchecanoe. Because Unruly Hair and Crazy Eyes was A BAD INFLUENCE. I mean. Just as an example.

So peer pressure has now trickle-down-theoried into goats. This is worrisome, because I’m pretty sure, using science and my brain and such, it means goats are about to take over the world. HOW? I don’t know HOW, I mean, I came up with the THEORY, you can’t expect me to do EVERYTHING for you. You really have to start taking a little more responsibility here, precious pigeon. I’m just SAYING, if goats are bowing to peer pressure, this can’t be a good thing. Since when is peer pressure a good thing? It’s like a gateway drug to world-takeovering. GOAT WORLD-TAKEOVERING.

SO. What have we learned today?

  • Andreas really needs to stop being so grabby-hands about his phone number because imagine how awesome this science post would be had it had actual science behind it and not just me being worried about the end of the world COME ON ANDREAS SERIOUSLY* (*not really seriously, I totally have phone phobia and wouldn’t use it anyway, but I like the IDEA of being able to call my “science guy” at like 3am all, “let’s kick this science idea around!” like I’m an entrepreneur, right? SOMEDAY THE WORLD WILL BE MINE)
  • Dinosaur plants are coming to kill us all
  • Someone’s stealing all the moon rocks for some heretofore unknown nefarious purpose
  • The cuttlefish are talking about us
  • The goats are being peer pressured and probably are going to start wearing leather jackets, smoking, and hanging out on streetcorners

Now, I know, that’s a lot of science I just threw at you like a shit-ton of Lawn Jarts, so don’t fret. Just start stockpiling canned goods and learn how to shoot a crossbow. All will be well. Maybe.

And look out for those gossipy-ass cuttlefish. You can NOT trust those leaky-lipped bastards.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

29 responses to “I’ve given you growlights and mineral supplements, what do you want from me, blood?

  • Roz

    What if the Russians are just practicing on flowers in their quest to clone a mammoth? Maybe Putin wants to create a whole mammoth corps so that he can invade North America through Alaska like a modern-day Hannibal!

    Putin’s coming! Hide the goats!


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Amy. Have you been reading New Scientist again? I thought we’d talked about this.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I’ll DM you my phone number. And don’t worry about having phone phobia – I never answer my phone anyway.


  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Hey! Talking cephalopods! I read this sometime in the last decade or so and it has never left my head, although I didn’t remember what it was called and had to go all e-detective to find it. Anyway. enjoy!


  • Bronwyn

    uh oh. now i’m seriously worried about this cephalopod thing… between you and xkcd i’m CONVINCED!! :D

    i’m quite glad i don’t like eating cephalopods of any kind. also not big on goat.

    think they’ll take that into account? :)


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I had read about most of this before – and it’s fascinating stuff.

    No need to worry about the Narrow-leafed Campion though. We haven’t awoken an extinct species, the Narrow-leafed Campion is flourishing in the East Siberia, and has been for 100,000 years. All we’ve done is to successfully germinate some old frozen seeds found in the permafrost. So, nothing new under the sun so far.

    Not sure I’m too worried about the goats either. Ok, they adopt each others dialects, but we all know goats are stubborn animals. They won’t easily band together to take over the world; the goat leader would struggle to get any followers to do his or her bidding.

    The cephalopods though, that’s a different story. I had thought it would take 50-60 million years or so for them to become landbased, longlived and discover the use of fire. But reading the Sheena 5 story in the comment above, I realise now that it could happen much earlier than that. Excellent..


    • lynnettedobberpuhl

      I haven’t been able to look at octopi or squid the same way since reading that story, although I ate both today. Ssahhh, Don’t tell them.


      • Andreas Heinakroon

        I don’t eat squid or octopus anymore as I’m using an intelligence scale to determine which animals I can eat. First thing to go was pork, as pigs are smarter than dogs and I don’t eat dogs. Then I added the rest of the mammalian class to the do-not-eat list, together with some species of bird (parrots, crows, seagulls etc.) and the aforementioned cephalopods. In essence, I try not to eat animals with a high level of awarenes. Don’t mind eating stupid less aware animals like clams, shrimp, fish or chicken. Or some people, I guess.


        • lucysfootball

          I’m impressed. That’s extremely thoughtful and possibly the best reasoning I’ve ever read for choosing what you eat. I still eat all the meat, and yes, I do feel bad about it, but I like so few things in the world, if I cut out meat, I might well starve to death and die.

          I love that parrots, crows, and seagulls are off your list. I hope they were never *on* your list!

          Hee! *Some* people. “Please sit down and take this IQ test. As you finish, I’ll be sharpening my butcher knife. Just in case. NO PRESSURE SIR.”


    • lucysfootball

      Oh, well, see, that ruins my theory. I thought we brought back a death plant. Now I can sleep well at night. This is why I’m glad Lucy’s Football has a Science Guy.

      I like goats. And I would never eat them because the idea of that grosses me out. So I think if the goats DO take over the world, they’ll let me live.

      You totally did Mr. Burns hands with that “excellent,” didn’t you. I’m glad you’re going to be on my side during the cephalopod uprising.


  • kitchenmudge

    There’s no point in continuing to deny it: The cephalopods are training the baby goats to steal moon rocks, to see whether the narrow-leafed campion can grow on them, so they can colonize the moon. I’m sure Newt Gingrich is involved, somhow.


  • kitchenmudge

    Typo Monster says “Yum!”. “somhow!”


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