Volcanic Eruptions! VOLCANIC ERUPTIONS! Also super-cool hats.

One of my favorite movies is Magnolia. I know, I know. A LOT of people hate this movie, like, with the fire of a million billion fiery suns. I get it. But I adore it. Which is funny, because it stars one of my least-favorite actors on the entire planet.


Tom Cruise makes me nervous. It’s the teeth. And the grinning. And the laugh. And the couch-jumping. And the Scientology, but really, anyone into any religion that insanely would make me nervous. And the “Matt you’re so GLIB.” And the arrogance. And that I think probably he’s got his wife in some sort of drugged up cult haze. And in Rob Lowe’s autobiography, he came across as a gigantic douchenozzle. And I totally like Rob Lowe. If Rob Lowe says you’re a douchenozzle, you probably are. AND THE TEETH. Also, I didn’t even like him when all the girls were all “SQUEE SQUEE” back in Top Gun days, because he’s short and wee. I hate short and wee men with little-man complexes.

Also, once, I was sort of bashing him on Twitter? But only a little? And HE TOTALLY STARTED FOLLOWING ME. No, not a Tom Cruise FAN BOT or something. THE REAL TOM CRUISE. With the blue check next to his name and EVERYTHING. So I’m pretty sure he’s coming to eat me with those gigantic teeth any day now.

So, anyway. Magnolia. In Magnolia, Cruise plays Frank “T.J.” Mackey, who’s a love guru who runs this live infomercial thing called “Seduce and Destroy.” And I totally hate Cruise. Like, in EVERYTHING. Even Tropic Thunder, where everyone was all “HE’S SO FUNNY,” I was disgusted when his shouty ass came on screen. I know. He’s coming to eat me any day. If I stop posting, you’ll know to check his stool for little chunks of me, right? Right. ANYWAY. I love him in Magnolia. I can only assume it’s the writing and directing, because it sure as hell isn’t Cruise.

Here’s a scene of Mackey doing his seminar for men, teaching them how to both seduce AND destroy. It’s got some naughty language. I promise I have a point and this clip ties into it. But if you hate naughty language, it’s ok to skip it. I’ll still love you. (SPEAKING OF NAUGHTY LANGUAGE SIDE NOTE! At the theater last night? There was this group of children from a school who all looked like they couldn’t be more than probably 14 or 15? And they were TOTALLY CUSSING THE MOST YOU GUYS. Like, SO MUCH USE OF THE EFF WORD. Is that normal? Really? I didn’t use the eff word out LOUD until college, at least. Because I thought it would send me directly to hell without stopping to pass Go OR collect $200. Little baby-faced teenagers are saying it like it’s just another word? Is this worrisome or am I being an old person about this? I totally wanted to go wash their little mouths out with all the Lava soap. My stars and garters.)

As you can see, Mackey is teaching a conference room at the HoJo’s or something how to seduce and destroy ladies. It’s both hysterical and sad.

WELL! @grngeekgirl, my partner in crime over at Insatiable Booksluts, pointed THIS out to me the other day.


There’s a call for this? IN REAL LIFE?

I can’t even. NOT EVEN.

So! From the about page, we see that these people are J.D. Dallas and Johnny Bravo, running this thing called the “Modern Male Lifestyle.” The “Modern Male Lifestyle” means you walk into bars and you pick up ALL THE LADIES just by using ALL THESE TECHNIQUES. I mean, all the ladies. ALL. No lady is immune. EVEN STRIPPERS AREN’T IMMUNE. This is AMAZING.

This is J.D. Dallas. No, I am not 100% sure what’ s going on in this photo, either. He’s playing with a guitar while ignoring a girl who looks embarrassed to be there, based on her posture. Also, is the “modern male lifestyle” sneering? That’s sure to get a lot of embarrassed women and guitars into your bed. Oh, and suitcases. I think there’s a suitcase over there, too. He also wrote a book about how to pick up women on MySpace, which I’m sure is selling a LOT of copies.

ZOMG this is Johnny Bravo. I feel a chill. IT IS BECAUSE MY PANTIES JUST FELL TO THE FLOOR. THROUGH MY JEANS. According to his bio, which has some really odd random capitalization, he used to be into “world of war craft” but then started learning the rules of being a “PUA” (that is PICK UP ARTIST, come on, people, if you can’t learn the terminology, I don’t know if I can work with you here) and now NO WOMAN IS OUT OF HIS REACH NO WOMAN.

OK. Here’s the scoop. I have a lot of male readers. And you know what? I love you to pieces. I totally want you to get laid. So, because I love you all, I’m going to help YOU become a PUA (you remember what that is, right? Pick up artist. Seriously, if I have to keep holding your hand through this, it’s going to be a long haul) so YOU, TOO, can wear an awesome hat and ripped-up jeans in a doorway or get an embarrassed girl, just like Johnny or J.D. I am going to READ THIS WEBSITE and GLEAN THE MOST HELPFUL TIPS FOR YOU.

Oh, probably this might work for my lesbian readers, too. So also this is for you. Just switch out “male” for “female” and you’re golden. Sorry, straight female readers. Also, married and coupley male readers, this COULD work for you, but probably don’t use these tips. I don’t want to break up your happy home. I’d feel terrible. And gay male readers, this won’t work for you at all. Also, I don’t think you would wear a kickin’ cowboy hat and rippy jeans, anyway.

I know. I can hear you starting to cry tears of joy. Please just invite me to your weddings. I do so love wedding cake. Why does it always taste better than regular cake? It’s like it’s baked with magic.

Become an Alpha Male

First, you have to become an Alpha Male. Apparently, that’s the key to this whole thing. Alpha males are winners and can screw all the strippers. Beta males are apparently losers who lose.

Here are some traits of Alpha Males. THESE ARE TOTALLY IMPORTANT YO.

  • Never makes excuses. For example, if he doesn’t want to ride a roller coaster, he doesn’t say, “I don’t want to ride that roller coaster, because I am scared of heights and also might hork into your hair.” He INSTEAD says, and I QUOTE, “Roller coasters? Nah, that’s not me. Let’s do something cool instead.” So, as you can see, not only did you get out of rollin’ and coastin’, you subtly insulted your female friend. TWO FOR ONE BABY.
  • Is confident and honey badger don’t give a shit about what people say about him.
  • Talks slowly and in deep tones, and his movements are smooth. His movements are like he’s “walking through water.” Like Barry White, I’m thinking. Like a merman Barry White.
  • Never apologizes for his desires and beliefs. NEVER.
  • Does not have a big ego – has an ego that is his ally. “Here is the truth: big egos are a result of low-esteem, lack of control over emotion, and too many female feelings.” ZOMG. You do NOT want too many female feelings, Alphas! What’s next, getting in the kitchen and making up a mess of pie or something?
  • Does not get jealous. “He laughs at the thought of his girlfriend choosing another guy over him.” LAUGHS I TELL YOU LAUGHS. Uproariously.

Now you are totally an Alpha, but what do you do? You can’t sit at home. There are women to conquer like wolves in the night. WHAT DO YOU DO.

Well! Don’t fret, my little butterbeans!

Johnny Bravo says you should:

  • Join online communities of pick up artists. I guess you can share techniques with them? Because I’m sure the people in the community aren’t really losers in their mom’s basements eating HoHos in the dark.
  • Join a local lair. A LAIR. This shit is getting REAL. I hope there are FRESH KILLS and SPOOR in the lair. Oh, wait, it’s not a wolf lair, nevermind. Apparently, it’s a place where all the PUAs go to be together and share tips for how best to get ALL THE LADIES. Apparently, if you hang out with your regular friends who have known you forever as you embark on your new lifestyle as a playa, those friends might “hold you back.” You need a wolfpack, yo.
  • Next, you need to study the THEORY of being a PUA. If you want to study Johnny and J.D.’s theory, it’s available but you totally have to pay for it. Apparently there are places you can get other theories but they’re probably not as good. I mean, scroll back up there. HE HAS A GIRL IN HIS BED YOU GUYS. A REAL LIVE GIRL. Who I assume has REAL WOMAN-BOOBIES. I mean, do you NEED any more proof?
  • Go to a training or boot camp. BOOT CAMP. This is NOT dicking around. No no no. I hope they ask you to spit-shine your shoes or do KP duty or something. That’s how you know it’s a real boot camp.
  • Go out in “the field” and practice technique. I guess that doesn’t mean a real field like with cow shit in it. I think it means bars. Bring money. You’re probably going to have to buy a lot of drinks and shit, and also on your way home you’ll be sad so you’ll want to stop at Taco Bell and buy Fourth Meal.

Now, both Johnny Bravo and J.D. have some articles they’ve written with helpful tips. And, to help YOU, my little budding PUAs, I’ve read them ALL* (*not many of them at all) and pulled out the tips that I think would totally help you in your quest. LISTEN. I think you all will be getting laid tonight. Barring that, the Chicken Quesadillas at Taco Bell are really tasty. There’s nothing embarrassing about Fourth Meal. NOTHING.


Ask random questions that are not at all creepy


“You must plan your own death. How old are you? How does it happen? And what is the funeral like?”

This is a GOOD QUESTION to ask at a bar. I’m pretty sure the minute you ask it, the girl will be humping your leg like a Scottie dog, right? I mean, nothing turns someone on more than talking about pre-planning their funeral. FUNERAL PLANNING IS SEXAY.

Make her talk about high school

“…for the most part, we tend to remember all the good times – how wonderful it was to be in high school for example, even though when you were there it seemed like hell. But now we remember it fondly. So ask her about, say, high school. And when she goes on that’s the time to pull her in. While she’s experiencing these good feelings, she’s looking at YOU. And she associates your face with feeling good, innocent and fun. Then she’s into you.”

Oh, this is EXCELLENT. YES. Please use this. Please grab me at a bar and start talking to me about THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE while maintaining creepy eye contact and refusing to change the subject. This will get me into your bed faster than you can say “I was a victim of childhood bullying for years and years and I still cringe when I hear a locker door slam!”

Know what women want

According to Johnny Bravo, that is “someone to take charge, be confident, and have zero insecurities.” I AM SO GLAD SOMEONE TOLD ME WHAT I WANT WHOO.

Also, according to this totally helpful article, women want:

  • you to never email, text, or call them
  • you to tell them stories like the following: “I ate a Rattle Snake once, riding on a four wheeler through the desert, and ran that bitch over, it was all wigglin’ and shit, grabbed it up, and cooked it over an open flame.” (I’m sorry, a., this made me laugh so hard I snorted, and b., does this NOT sound so much like something I’d write? Hee! I mean, not the CONTENT, but the DELIVERY.)
  • you to ask them for their number, then shove it in your pocket and say, “I’ll add it to the list of women’s numbers I got tonight and call you, maybe”
  • you to do magic tricks or play the guitar
  • you to “peacock” which is apparently to dress like a gigantic douchebag like with a hat with a feather or something because that will make you stand out in a crowd and also make everyone want to take a ride on your pocket rocket and not laugh at you until they get a side-cramp

I expect you to learn these things and start practicing them, seriously. I can’t expect you to get all the ladies until you do them.


Don’t be nice

If you are nice, then women WIN. You don’t want women to WIN, do you? No. According to J.D. Dallas, you want to be the man inside your man. Or – well, I’ll let him tell you: “Be the man inside you – the volcanic eruption below the surface – and you’ll start to experience the success you desire. Trust me, it’s in there. You just need to let it out.”


Also, I am officially getting creeped out reading J.D. Dallas’s blog because I think I know where the Twitter spambots are getting their profile pictures. SO MANY GROSS SHOTS OF PLASTIC CHICKS IN BIKINIS MAKING DUCKFACE YOU GUYS.

Ignore her and/or lie to her

If she texts you asking what you’re doing, either tell her you’re busy or don’t answer. She’ll love that. Because you don’t want her to think you’re available whenever she wants you to be. FOR THE LOVE OF PETE PEOPLE.

Don’t act like a lady

Women are emotional! And insane! THEY WILL BUY TEN PAIRS OF SHOES! And SPEND THE RENT MONEY ON THEM! HA HA! But not men, no no! And you know how opposites attract? Crazy women like CALM RATIONAL MANLY MEN. So if YOU act crazy and womanly, women won’t want you! Act like a MAN! Probably THUMP YOUR CHEST and GROWL!

I don’t exactly know what this says about you if you WANT one of these insane women who would spend the rent on shoes and not a nice normal woman who spends the rent on…oh, I don’t know…RENT. But I am not J.D. Dallas. I DON’T HAVE REGRETFUL WOMEN IN MY BED AND ALSO GUITARS.

Now you have TIPS and you are an ALPHA MALE and you are READY TO HIT THE DATING SCENE. Also, probably bring protection. You’re totally going to be having all the sex with regretful duckfaced girls. And the website says you also need to work out a lot. I don’t know when you’re going to have time to do all of this, so probably quit your job. There are also about fifty sections on how to score with exotic dancers. People want to sleep with exotic dancers? Really? That seems sad to me. Don’t they think that’s a bad idea and probably that will end badly? Life isn’t Pretty Woman, you know?

Then I was thinking, back in the day, my roommate and I used to watch this show that made us laugh like morons on VH1 called The Pickup Artist that starred this guy called Mystery trying to turn losery men into PUAs and it was the worst because THIS was what Mystery looked like and he purportedly could get every woman he wanted:

I did not make this graphic, but it kind of makes my point for me, so I stole it.

Seriously, this guy would give tips like the ones above (he had a friend whose name was Matador, no, I’m totally serious) and the two of them would go into bars and Mystery would be wearing this HUGE FURRY HAT and sometimes there would be goggles on it and he has a neck tattoo of lips and he’d be all, “I’m PEACOCKING” and my roommate and I would laugh so hard we almost died. It was obvious the bar was filled with extras because no one in the bar even pointed and laughed when he came in like I’d have been doing. Why aren’t there awesome shows like this on anymore? I feel cheated.

Here is a random video of him teaching a room full of women how to…sway? I’m not sure what’s happening here. Also, I don’t remember him sounding this Canadian. It makes me laugh.


Anyway. You now have the tools you need at your disposal! To summarize:

  • Lie constantly.
  • Treat women like disposable shit.
  • Be super-cool, to the point of meanness.
  • Get a guitar and a suitcase and put them on your bed.
  • Get a large hat of some sort. Either cowboy or furry will do.
  • Learn some magic.
  • Get your shots up-to-date because you’re totally going to be exposed to syphilis.

Also, I just think it bears mention that you might want to go somewhere that the women you’re trying to pick up have either all had lobotomies or have been exposed to high levels of toxic gases so are extraordinarily drugged-out. Because otherwise I think maybe they might either walk away laughing or be onto your clever ruses in like .0004 seconds. Or laugh at your hats.

I’d wish you good luck but I’m pretty sure Alphas don’t NEED luck. Alphas either make their OWN luck or they TAKE IT LIKE A THIEF IN THE NIGHT.

Have fun, my naughty friends. Don’t blame me if you have so many women outside your house you have to beat them off with sticks! (Disclaimer: please don’t beat anyone with sticks, thanks.)

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

53 responses to “Volcanic Eruptions! VOLCANIC ERUPTIONS! Also super-cool hats.

  • borkadventures

    Good choice on Tom Cruise pics–perfectly encapsulates the Tom Cruise ickyness!

    This post (and a few of your others) reminds me that I need to see Magnolia! It’s one of those movies that’s been on my list for so long that it has gotten lost in the shuffle.

    Re. the PUAs…I totally would’ve dug Johnny Bravo in his WOW days. I wonder if I met him and got him to choose me to call over all of the other girls he met, would I break through into that WOW guy? He could peacock the shit all over WOW, everyone would want to join his guild, and I would be the proud, dowdy Mage standing at his side. *sigh* Johnny Bravo could be my paladin…


    • lucysfootball

      Ooh, I think you would love “Magnolia!” So beautiful. It makes me BAWL. Every single time I see it. So many beautiful scenes and lines and moments. So much poetry and mystery and coincidence that ties people together. Love, love, love.

      You do NOT want Johnny Bravo as your paladin! He would wear that stupid hat all the time and ask weird questions about pre-planning funerals! It would be distracting! :)


  • Em

    This made me howl with laughter. (Yeah, I know, I couldn’t resist though.)

    Okay. As one of your lesbian readers, I have to thank you for your concern about my social life! That’s 10 shades of awesome! I’m single at the moment and I’m always on the lookout for tips. (Well, not really. Really I’m never on the lookout for tips. But these were right here. Winning!) I looked at the Alpha male tips and here’s the problem with applying them:

    1. I love roller coasters, but I am afraid of heights. I know. It makes no sense. But I don’t see how I can not apologize for that.
    2. If I talked slowly and in deep tones, like a merman Barry White … well, it’s too hard. I’m a mezzo soprano. I’m pretty sure I’m not a coloratura soprano. Or a leggato soprano. But I think we can see that even as a mezzo, it’s pretty hard to get to Barry White levels. Plus, I’m not sure that would turn on the women I’m interested in. But I suppose I’ll never know without trying! I think it’s likely that the women I’d be approaching would behaving at though I were a Bro. With really white teeth. BUYING A BOAT. It’s true that’s just a guess though.
    3. Ego. Well. Hmm. I would quote what you said about self-esteem and I just tried desperately to find it, but I can’t find it. Maybe it was on twitter. But you know what you said, so it all works out well, actually.
    4. I’ve actually had a woman leave me for another woman (my best friend, who had claimed to be straight, it was totally Telenovela) and I have to say I wasn’t laughing. It wasn’t my finest moment, but it also wasn’t theirs. If there had there been video around, we probably would have gone viral. In fact, I know it would have gone viral because I would have titled it “Lesbian Threesome. (Take 3 relatively intelligent women with really good vocabularies, arrange them in a triangle and everyone talk at once!) ” Ah. Memories. Now, there was another situation with a totally different group of lesbians that involved a bar, a dj and a roomful of people, also Paula Abdul, although she wasn’t there you understand. She’s more inferred. And that (the situation, not the Paula inferring) was both angst-filled and rather funny in a that’s life kind of way, so maybe they mean that. Although I don’t see how they could know about it because it happened in a lesbian bar in the 90s and we really rarely saw straight men in there. And definitely not either of those two. Once in awhile there was a guy who looked like Mystery, though.

    Other salient points:

    I’m attracted to women who are sort of the antithesis of the women on their website. Also I have something of a feminist thing going on so the only thing I ever do with strippers is try to convince them to go to college. There’s no future in stripping! I worry about them. I think we can see how this would go.

    I own a pair of jeans with a rip on the knee. It’s because I tripped and fell on a sidewalk in LA. Our sidewalks here suck. Do you think the J’s think that I can get a woman that way? With that story? Because it is true that I have been saving it for the right time. It did give me a heart-shaped scab. But that’s pretty much gone now.

    Also I’ve actually been a regretful girl sitting on a bed with a guitar. If, you know, I could be considered a girl while in my mid-ish 40s. Which, probably not. Also, there wasn’t any suitcase. Oh, wait. There was, but it was on the floor. Does that count?


    • lucysfootball

      This comment is 47 shades of awesome win!

      Yeah, I think the comments wouldn’t work for lesbians so much. Or, actually, most of my male readers? Because most of my male readers (and most of my readers, overall) seem to like women (and people) with brains? And women with brains would take one look at this cowboy-hat wearing douche and be all, “Um, no, thanks.” No matter WHAT he says about being able to get any woman, any time.

      I think a lady talking like a merman Barry White wouldn’t have to wear a tall furry hat, because that would make her stand out from the crowd ALL ON HER OWN. Also it might get her laughed at, though. That might not be what you’re going for.

      The tripping story probably wouldn’t work because it shows you have weakness and an Alpha can NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS. Unless it’s fake weakness in order to trick someone into their bed. So you might want to play that angle. Just lie about how you got the scar. Say it was while fighting with a rattlesnake and a merman Barry White. That should do it.

      The judges have ruled that the suitcase has to be on the bed to count. The more garbage on the bed, the better. Sorry! The guitar gets you points, though. Also, you can totally still be a girl in your mid-40s. I still mentally call myself a girl and I’m in my mid-30s. Then I say, “you’re a woman, you jackhole.”


  • greengeekgirl

    I laughed so much, and am debating whether to send the link along to my friend, although I probably won’t (can’t post this to my FB because um, I know people who are friends with JD).

    For the record, I totally flummoxed J.D. Dallas in a bar. He complimented my shirt–I think he’s one of those Alpha males who is always “on”, even though I am the body mass equivalent of TWO underfed strippers and probably not his type. It has a roller derby design and he asked if I did roller derby and I was like, nu uh, I got it at Target. He was like, “Yeah, but it’s a cool shirt, you don’t have to admit you got it at Target.” And I was like, “Well yeah, but the important part is that it’s cool, not that I got it at Target.” He pretty much did not know how to respond to me being all rational and un-giggly and un-flattered, and walked away and didn’t talk to me again for the whole time we were at my friend’s party thing.

    Also he is in a band, I guess. His bandmates were pretty interesting, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. But maybe that’s why he plays the guitar while shame girls sit wrapped up in a sheet on his bed.


  • chillsmotor

    I’m putting this on Reddit (don’t worry, the safe part of reddit). We like to make fun of PUAs and do so with much unabashed glee.

    I’ve always felt icky seeing Tom Cruise, but could never pinpoint why. Now, I can blame the teeth.


    • lucysfootball

      Ooh, Reddit? That’s totally fancy. I am so daunted by Reddit. It seems like where the cool kids hang out and I would be confused and get lost and hide under a desk and rock or something. Yay!

      It IS the teeth! SO MANY TEETH. I was talking to my dad about it today and he said it’s because Cruise has a teeny tiny head and then BAM these huge teeth. Which made me laugh and laugh. SO MANY TEETH.


    • SlashCo

      And yet, the PUA stuff works. Not always, not with everybody, but it does. And when a socially awkward guy who hasn’t had much success in dating has to choose between people like you laughing and mocking him, and the PUA community saying they can teach him to do better, guess where he’ll go.


      • lucysfootball

        Here’s the thing. If you knew me AT ALL, or read my blog AT ALL, other than to comment on this one post, then you’d know I would NEVER make fun of a socially awkward guy. Because I AM socially awkward. And that socially awkward guy? HE’S MY PEOPLE. I would make fun of him AFTER he joined the Cult of PUAs. Yes. I would totally do that. Because it is SAD and it is PATHETIC and it is not about making a real connection, it’s about getting laid and about tricking women into thinking you’re something you’re not and it’s about treating them like objects, not people. So yes. I am going to laugh at and mock PUAs. Because they are the dregs of society, in my opinion. They can’t have a real relationship; they can only have these fleeting, tangential connections. Send the socially awkward guys my way, and my friends’ ways. We’ll accept them into the fold. They’re our people. They don’t need to join a cult of asshats to find “success in dating.”


  • chillsmotor

    Reblogged this on Smo Does Goodly.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    This is hilarious! But sad. Is PUA an actual thing? You’re not shitting me? That’s just so.. pathetic. I feel embarrassed to be a man now.


    • lucysfootball

      It’s real. And it’s embarrassing. Apparently, it’s a way to trick women into bed. But not to have a relationship with them! No no no! Relationships are BAD! All the unattached sex is good!


      You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Because you ARE a man. These people aren’t. They’re children who have just discovered they have penises that do cool things when inserted in a warm, wet place.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    BTW: had to Google ‘spoor’. Turns out it’s just ‘spår’ but spelled in English. Don’t you guys have any words of your own? ;)


  • Patrick Smith

    Sometimes, it’s just a hat.


  • Blacklock Stormhammer

    1) I couldn’t watch the whole Tom Cruise clip. I’m sorry. I got about half of it down though. I probably won’t watch that movie. Okay. . . I will not watch it. I promised myself that my last Tom Cruise movie ever would be The Last Samurai. I think that was around the couch jumping Matt Lauer stuff and I finally just said. . . I’M the reason you have 300 million. I watch your movies. I can not longer participate in making you rich. I may not be able to take all your money away, but at least I can say (moving forward) I did not contribute MY money to your fortune. Then he did that fucking cameo in Tropic Thunder and I had no idea he was in it and I raged at my big screen TV shouting, “YOU TRICKED ME TOM CRUISE!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!”

    2) Apparently becoming a PUA involves having catchy secret agent names. I am not participating in the PUA lifestyle, but I’m totally on board the picking of catchy secret agent names. I shall become . . . Blacklock Stormhammer.

    3) Johnny Bravo is a cartoon character on cartoon network. . . or was. It’s an older cartoon.

    4) They’re both ridiculous, but J.D. Dallas’ pose reminds me of the end of The Blair Witch Project where the girl facing away from the camera in shame is playing the part of the children facing the wall before they’re murdered.

    5) If you’re in a band it saves a lot of effort because:
    a) you already get to wear funny “stand outish” clothes
    b) you already get to adopt a catchy secret agent name
    c) you already get groupies to have unattached sex with and then you can attribute it to your mad “PUA” skillz.
    d) other things.

    Blocklock Stormhammer
    Lord of the Northside (I added this. I think a title makes the name even cooler)


    • lgalaviz

      I couldn’t make it through the entire clip either. I became nauseated when Tom Cruise started doing it with the invisible woman. I couldn’t see her (because she was invisible) but she must have been really embarrassed to be doing it with someone with such huge teeth and ridiculous hair.


      • lucysfootball

        I promise you both that it’s an ensemble cast and he actually doesn’t have that big of a role. But that later in the movie, he has two scenes that are so moving that you can’t help but admire the performance.


    • greengeekgirl

      I’m beginning to suspect you are a level 85 dwarf.


    • lucysfootball

      The funniest thing all day was that I get this list of comment notifications, and one of them was, “Blacklock Stormhammer has commented on your post!”

      I promise that clip I included was him at his most annoying in the film and he actually does some touching work, later on. But I love the idea of you raging at him in “Tropic Thunder.” (Am I the only one who didn’t think that movie was that funny? Or am I broken?)

      “Other things.” Best way to end any list, ever.

      ZOMG! YES! That photo is totally a Blair Witch photo! And I can see JD running around people’s tents at night hanging little stick-poppets all over, too. That would be such a PUA thing to do.

      I’m a girl. Can I have a PUA name? I want to be…Scarlett Lightningflash. Do I win?


  • lgalaviz

    Thank you for sharing this very valuable information. I too am concerned that Tom Cruise is coming after me with his uber-large teeth.


  • Debbie

    I get what you’re saying about Tom Cruise. I was the same way. But we have a friend who is in the movie industry. He’s worked on several movies with Tom. And he totally ruined my perception on Tom. By saying Tom is nice. Ridiculously so. Like “jump-in-front-of-a-bus-to- save-a-puppy” nice. He says he’s seen Tom over helping the catering people set up food and tables. Seen Tom go outta his way to Help crew carry heavy objects. Knows everyone’s names, and asks about their family. Which ruined everything for me. I wanted to hate him; but now I can’t. Damn you Tom Cruise, for being the opposite of what we all think you are.


  • lahikmajoe

    I already told you that I was working on my own post dealing with this. Isn’t that unbelievable. I was going to tweet, ‘Hey, it’s not to late for one last #SneakyFuckerWeek post, is it?’ and then write about real life sneaky FUCKERS.

    And I was so excited to let you in on this little corner of society. Turns out they were already known by some of your friends.

    As is often the case, the story on the surface isn’t nearly as interesting as what’s beneath it. There’s a lot behind all of this that actually creates a need for it.

    In a weird way it’s a kind of emotional autism. I can’t speak for all of the people involved, but what I’ve read about it (and the videos I’ve seen) seem to be geared towards the people who were socially unable to connect with others. As if they’re coming from a place of weakness or being not good enough.

    So it’s an overcompensation for feeling unable to connect with other people. Or at least people of the other sex.

    It also appears to be yet another way to separate a fool from his money. That’s almost as sad as the pearls of wisdom that’re being peddled. That they’re being peddled, at all.


    • lucysfootball

      I still can’t believe that. Did you know if you research coincidences because you want to write an awesome blog post on them science says all coincidence is just that? Coincidence? That there’s no magic in it at all? Why is science trying to take away all my magic? So screw the blog post, it’s no fun if there’s no magic.

      Anyway, I wish I’d held off a couple of days in posting so you could have had it! And thank you for thinking of me. I love that when weirdness happens, people think to bring it to me. I’m proud to be the weirdness repository. Ew, that sounded…bad.

      The show we used to watch on VH1 was really kind of sad. The guys that were in training to be PUAs were so lonely and so bad with women. I just wanted to ruffle their hair and tell them it would all be alright. They did not need tall furry hats. They just needed less time in gross bars and more time in places where women that understood intelligence hung out. But obviously, I wasn’t there, and couldn’t tell them.

      Ah, the fools and their money. I like to watch the “X-Files” episode “Humbug” when I want a chuckle about the human race. The scene where it’s explained how Barnum used to trick the patrons into leaving his sideshow early by making them follow signs marked “this way to the egress” and “follow the arrows to the egress” and when they got there, they found a door that emptied them out into a parking lot, so they had to pay to get back in. Their fault for not knowing their vocab. His gain for being brilliant about human nature.


  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Has anyone mentioned Tom Cruise’s method of running? I laugh my ass off whenever I see him running, and have from the beginning of Cruise films. If you don’t know what I am talking about, go to any Mission Impossible film (and I like those films, actually) and find a clip of him running. HILARIOUS! His torso and head don’t move at all, and his arms and legs just pump away like some spazzed out automaton. So much fun.


  • elaine4queen

    i got a little sick in my mouth watching ‘mystery’ ply his trade.


    • lucysfootball

      Surprisingly, on the VH1 show, he wasn’t a total jerk. He seemed kind of sad. I mean, he was a PUA, but also a little pathetic. You felt more bad for him than skeeved out. It was a really funny show. But not even on purpose.


  • Oyster Kickass (aka Aleksandra)

    Unfortunately, I followed the link to the bio of this man with the ripped jeans and hat and at first I thought reading it had damaged me beyond repair. I sensed depression hanging over me. But then I thought of merman Barry White swimming the seven seas accompanied by ripped-jeans-merman and littered-bed-merman trying to alphamale duckfaced mermaids into dropping their mermaid-tails for them and it made me laugh again. Maybe your friends with the Hollywood-connections know someone at Disney or Pixar, this would surely be a hit animation movie for insecure Would-be-Casanovas. Or we could make it a cautionary tale. This can be played all kinds of ways.


    • lucysfootball

      Hee! That would be a breakaway Disney hit. I wonder if Barry White will play the lead merman. Because if we can’t get Barry White, all is lost. Wait, is Barry White even still alive? This project could be dead in the water before we even start. No pun intended. Well, maybe a little pun.


  • kitchenmudge

    Thought of this post when I ran across:


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