It is a very special day in Lucy’s Football-land! Lucy’s Football-tania? Lucy’s Football-ville? Lucitania? WHATEVER. Special day! SPECIAL DAY!
I will tell you JUST HOW SPECIAL in the form of a story. Because who doesn’t like stories? Jackholes. Jackholes don’t, that’s who.
Once upon a time, in a kingdom nowhere near the sea, lived a woman named Lucy.
Lucy, as you can see, was super-awesome, and had the most unruly hair and crazy eyes. The person who just drew Lucy forgot to draw her glasses. Pretend Lucy took them off and they’re just not in the picture at the moment. The person who drew this picture can’t go back in and edit it. That would take the person who drew this picture WAY TOO MUCH TIME.
Lucy worked at a video store that was totally the worst. First, it only paid minimum wage. Who can live on the minimum? Practically no one. Also, it was Lucy’s job to work on new porn days, and also to make the cotton candy. These were not jobs that anyone wanted. Including Lucy. Because a., new porn days meant pervs and pervism, and b., making cotton candy meant when you blew your nose over the next few days, your snot totally came out blue or green or pink or whatever and it looked like you were dying of some sort of cartoon disease. Also, her coworkers were weirdos, and she was fairly sure that a large number of them were dealing dope in the parking lot.
One day, a new man came to work at the video store.
He was very serious and very quiet. Lucy did not know what to make of this, as this was the OPPOSITE of Lucy.
HOWEVER! There was nothing, NOTHING, Lucy liked more than a challenge. Our intrepid Lucy saw it as HER PERSONAL CALLING to make the quiet and serious man laugh and also play along with her when she was acting asshatty. Because Lucy often acted asshatty. Because listen, Lucy was a total asshat at work. BUT AN ASSHAT MADE OF FUN. She took this quest on as if it was her job. Also, when the serious man DID talk? He was funny. And sarcastic. And intelligent. LUCY WANTED THE SERIOUS MAN TO LIKE HER SO BADLY. She was fairly sure that if she was able to win over the serious man? They would be like PEAS AND CARROTS, Forrest.
One day, almost at the end of her rope, she made a joke, and she got A LITTLE BIT LESS OF A SERIOUS FACE.THIS WAS ENCOURAGING. This meant that Lucy was WINNING. And listen: there was NOTHING that Lucy liked to do more than win. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING. Well, she did like chocolate a lot. And also drinking. SHUT UP LUCY WAS YOUNG THEN.
Are you at all surprised that Lucy totally won over the serious man and serious face turned into this within a matter of weeks?I would hope you are not surprised. Lucy really is the best at winning, no joke. Also, how can you resist Lucy? You really can’t. That unruly hair and those crazy eyes are totally the least resistable, seriously.
First, serious man and Lucy started hanging out at work. Suddenly, the porn jobs and the cotton candy jobs stopped being so painful and started being a lot more fun. Then serious man and Lucy began to hang out outside of work. They went to movies and hung out at her apartment and hung out in his dorm and went to see a meteor shower and played countless hands of gin rummy and laughed until their sides ached and soon serious man STOPPED being serious man and became BFF.
(I KNOW! Are you totally super-shocked? That was quite a twist, right? I should write for the movies, or something! Look out, M. Night Shyamalan! I AM COMING FOR YOUR ASS!)
(And the reason he was serious man at all was because a., I’m pretty sure he thought Lucy was a crazy loon when he started working there, because everyone else there was, and b., he’s kind of quiet and shy at first compared to Lucy, who is AS LOUD AND KOOKY AS A WHOLE PHILHARMONIC. Well, if Philharmonics are kooky. I don’t know that they are, so much. But they are loud, probably, especially if you are sitting like, right near them, right? Especially those drums. I would imagine those drums are super-loud and would shake your eardrums and rattle your chest-hole.)
After graduation, BFF moved away. Lucy and BFF did not see each other as much. This was very sad. But they kept in touch, because, BFFs. It was sad to not be in the same town, though. It is not the most fun, having your BFF be about three hours away.
Then Lucy moved across the damn country.
Right before she left, BFF came to visit and they had one last weekend of movies and laughing and drinking and fun. And a little crying. Because, well, BFFs.
Lucy and BFF email and text now. They do not talk on the phone, because Lucy is a weirdo about the phone. I don’t know, either. That Lucy, who can figure her out? Also, BFF sends Lucy the best presents, because he is the best shopper ever. Once, BFF came to visit Lucy, and they went to New York City for a weekend of debauchery. Things that were the best about that weekend: running away from an awful tour guide and then wanting a photo of her so hiding behind a pillar and taking one and then running away giggling even though they were NOT children and probably should NOT have been acting like them; watching To Catch a Predator at 2am and laughing until they thought they would be sick at how weird both the perverts and the host were; walking and walking and walking and then realizing HOLY HELL WE ARE SO SUPER SORE DO WE REALLY HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOTEL ROOM???; eating the best dinner and gelato ever and acting like fancy New Yorkers; getting to be on The Today Show and waving like goon tourists at the cameras; and being the best members of the entire tour group on the NBC tour at Rockefeller Center and knowing ALL the answers of the Saturday Night Live trivia.
(And, PSST, I’m totally the Lucy in this scenario. I KNOW! I M. Nighted you guys AGAIN! HE WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!! SWING AWAY, MERRILL!!!!!)
Today, TODAY! is BFFs birthday. Today is the day we celebrate the birth of one of the most amazing, funny, intelligent, caring, sarcastic, and downright awe-inspiring human beings I am not only lucky enough to know, but lucky enough to call my BFF. I can’t be there to celebrate with him. Because I am here, and he is there. And there is far, and here is…well, here. I sent him a card, because I am not a birthday-gift-sender – I save all my gifting for Christmas, and I attempt to rock Christmas presents. I sent him a card. But then I thought, you know what? He deserves something else. Let’s give him a blog post ALL OF HIS VERY OWN. With PERSONAL ILLUSTRATIONS. That were TOTALLY HARD TO DO. And involved drawing in Word, THEN PDFing, THEN JPEGing. BECAUSE I LOVE HIM THE MOST.
(You guys, I love him more than PENGUINS.)
BFF! Happiest of happy birthdays to you. I can’t be there with you, but I can give you this:
(Um, that’s us and our friendship. You can tell by the totally squashy hearts. Also, sorry about your hair and how it makes you look like you’re wearing an 80s hair bow. And the fact that your mouth makes you look like you have a snaggletooth. He’s not weird in real life, I assure you all. BFF is one foxy guy.)
You are my one of my most favorite human beings and I miss you daily. Sometimes things happen and you wonder, huh, why? Well, the reason I took the totally shitty job at the video store fifteen years ago? Was because otherwise, I wouldn’t have been in the right place at the right time to meet you. And my life would be so empty without your complete and total awesomeness in it.
I wish you a year of love and joy and fun and laughing until your sides ache and all good things. And continued BFFing. I worked my ASS off to turn you from serious man to BFF. I’ll be damned if I’m letting you go now.
I LOVE YOU, BFF!