*This is totally an all-over-the-place cussing post. I don’t think anyone cares, honestly? Other than me? But, you know, think of the children. But in case I have one person who’s reading this that DOES care? SO MUCH THE CUSSING. Sorry in advance. Also all the sex. But IT IS ALL IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE! AWESOME SEXY SCIENCE. So, sorry. Also, YOU ARE WELCOME.*
I am constantly in awe of the people I am lucky enough to know through social media.
Say what you will – that they’re (ahem, DAD) not “real,” that (thanks, MOM) it’s “sad” and I should “get a life,” I have met some of the funniest, most intelligent, most genuinely awesome people through Twitter that you could ever hope to meet.
And this time, they’ve outdone themselves.
The other day, I blogged about Dr. Jaroslav Flegr and how our cats are attempting to kill us, or perhaps control our brains, with poo-borne parasites. Andreas – who, listen, is my sciency friend? I don’t know that I’ve ever had a sciency friend. I LOVE HAVING A SCIENCY FRIEND, you guys. I’ve always loved science, and having someone who can say, “hey, there’s totally science backing up that insane hairbrained theory you just posited” makes me so happy, I can’t even tell you – posted this in my comments on the post:
‘Feline fatal attraction’ is a good one but it’s not the best. My favourite scientific term is the ‘Sneaky fucker strategy’, aka kleptogamy. It probably is rather self-explanatory but here goes: In species where males aim to gather a harem of females to mate with, there are two male strategies for successful mating.
The first one is to be as big and strong as possible in order to fight off the competition and win access to the females. This is however both costly and risky. You might spend more energy than you can replace, or you might get seriously injured.
The second strategy is to be a Sneaky fucker. This consists of avoiding any direct conflicts with the alpha males, and keep to the periphery of the harem of females. Then, when the leading male is busy fighting off any competing males, the Sneaky fucker male can sneak in and – well – fuck. And as long as he’s out of the way by the time the alpha male is back, he doesn’t risk getting into a fight.
It’s a brilliant strategy, and this is probably why it’s a very common strategy. So beware of the Sneaky fuckers.
This was a., not a theory I’d ever heard of before, and b., SO TOTALLY AWESOME I CAN’T EVEN.
Then, THEN, Ken commented on Andreas’s comment thusly:
This sneaky fucker business is seriously good enough to merit its own blogpost. Actually, I’d like to see each of you (Amy, Jim, and Andreas) do something with this. Maybe we should declare sneaky fucker week and all write blogposts and make a festival of it.
It’s a movement, and as Harry Shearer says, ‘Everybody needs one.’ A movement, he means.
(If anyone but me pays attention to shit like this, you’ll notice the link to Jim’s blog above is NOT his regular blog, but his other blog, because he apparently has like a million of them. I’ve decided if he’s going to participate, he’ll probably do it on this blog and not his other blog because on this blog he can cuss more. ALSO there’s totally this weird-ass Twitter app going around that you can use that tells you who you’re in love with on Twitter and it said I’m in love with Jim. SORRY MRS. JIM. I do love Jim but I assure you it’s just platonic. I am not a sneaky fucker. I am not attempting to sneaky Twitter-fuck Jim. I don’t have a lot of morals and such but one of the few I DO have involves not having sex with someone who’s involved with someone else. I TOTALLY HAVE A NEW IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND THOUGH BTW. I will talk about him later in the week. IT IS TOTES EXCITING YO. NO, it’s not Jim. Sorry, Jim. Sorry, Twitter app. You’re welcome, Mrs. Jim.)
SO. Anyway. I was so excited about this that I said, audibly, in my car, “I could not love my Twitter people more right now if I tried.” Then I laughed until I had a coughing fit. You know. As you do.
So, Andreas is in (and has promised either moose porn or erotica), and Jim is in but isn’t sure WHAT he’s in so I’m not sure what kind of post we’re going to get from him. Ken’s in and is blogging about John Hughes films and I could NOT be more excited about that. And then Lisa wanted in and listen, LISTEN, if she wants in? To anything, ever, anytime? SHE’S IN. I don’t care WHAT it is. Like, I’d let her into family reunions if she was interested. Or possibly even closed-door theater board meetings. I’ll totally kick your ass twice if you argue with me on this. Then, THEN, Laura wanted in (I assume her real name is Laura. Twitter says so. And Twitter NEVER LIES) and as we totally want to dominate the internet in the field of Sneaky Fuckery, and also, who are we to turn down people interested in such a topic? we said yes. I mean, we’re not dictators. We want internet scientific theories about animal porn to be free for all, you know? And THEN Lisa wanted in (ANOTHER Lisa, don’t be confused, my little tiger lilies) and I love her face. HOP ON BOARD LISA.
If you’re counting, that’s seven people. ALSO, there are not many Google results for Sneaky Fucker Strategy. Just from the one comment, my blog’s already on page two when you do a Google search. We’re totally going to own the internet when it comes to Sneaky Fuckery, you guys. I’m pretty sure this will be a new category at the Bloggies next year, and we’re shoo-ins. Who wouldn’t want a Sneaky Fucker Bloggie? What would the award look like? I’m going to go ahead and assume animals screwing. But in bronze or something. I WANT THAT.
WELCOME TO SNEAKY FUCKER WEEK. It’s like Shark Week, only with less teeth and chomping and swimming and more sneaky fuckers and animal porn and chicanery.
Andreas told me I should be the lead engine leaving the sneaky fucker station. I’m down with that. I like to lead. I also like to be last. I don’t like to be in the middle. Because then people always are stepping on the backs of your shoes and shoving and making stupid comments, and that all just makes me stabby.
OK. Even though Andreas gave us an excellent breakdown of Sneaky Fucker Strategy, I went online to check it out.
It’s really a thing (not that I doubted Andreas in the least.) And his breakdown? Excellent. You don’t really need to read any others. What he says above is actually totally 100% what it is. The other information I found out about it:
- It’s attributed to one of the world’s greatest evolutionary biologists, John Maynard Smith. Smith also did a lot of work on signalling theory. Which I just spend a really long time reading about and it is FASCINATING and I’m totally blogging about this someday. DAMMIT ANDREAS. My brain is not meant for science. I get distracted by shiny things, and there are SO MANY SHINY THINGS in science. (PS, my brain is also not meant for researching pretty much anything, because this weekend I was trying to research a musical and ended up reading a thirty-page article about these serial killers that was just absolutely fascinating and when I looked at the clock it was 1:15am. I get distracted. I’m like a kitten with a new toy, seriously.)
- Sneaky fuckers are actually doing better in spreading their seed (ew) than their more aggressive brethren: according to this article, “The less dominant male (deer) were in fact far more successful in evolutionary terms, passing their genes onto a larger number of female deer.”
- This, of course, as most behaviors in the animals kingdom can be, has been extrapolated onto the human population. The “alpha males” are, just for the sake of argument, the “frat boys.” The “sneaky fuckers” are the sensitive types – the ones that the “frat boys” usually think are gay. They hang out with the girls. They can talk about the shows girls want to watch; they can listen to girl problems; they’re there when the girl needs a shoulder to cry on. They’re also there, apparently, when the girl breaks up with the alpha male – to sneak-fuck. And there you have it: we’re all just animals, after all.
- There’s not a Wikipedia. This worries me, because there totally should be. There’s a Wikipedia for EVERYTHING. Even Justin Bieber, who I’m pretty sure isn’t even a real person but a robot. You can tell because his lips are too red and moist. That’s always a sign.
Now, there was mention of sneaky fucking in elk and deer populati0ns, and ducks, and also there was this awesome paragraph here, which I think is the best and Disney should totally make a movie about it:
Let’s look at two mating strategies among certain male frogs, for example. The males are selected by the females based on their song (presumably, the bigger the song, the bigger the frog, therefore the better its prospects as a mate) but some males have adopted a strategy that is different from “get big and sing loud.” These “sneaky fuckers” home in on a loud-singing male frog and lurk nearby. As the beglamoured female comes hopping along for a tryst with the Barry White of Bullfrogs, the “sneaky fucker” hops on, mates with her quickly, and hops off – mission accomplished. Because both strategies are successful, we see both strategies continuing in force because now most frogs descend either from big singers or sneaky fuckers, and females that like big singers.
So we have elk and deer and frogs that are all sneaky fuckers. AWESOME.
The point of sneaky fucking, from an evolutionary standpoint, is, of course, to vary the genepool. You don’t want ALL big, strong, alpha-male genes in the pool. The pool needs to be varied. You need lovers AND fighters. (And the sneaky fuckers tend to be the more intelligent animals – because they can plot the sneaky-fucking, which takes more brain cells than the fighty-fighting, I guess.) So, you introduce a few sneaky fuckers, and all is well. And apparently it’s VERY well, because that study above indicates that a lot of the kiddos in the deer population are cuckoos in their daddy’s nests, if you know what I’m saying.
So! Where does this take us?
We were discussing on Twitter how some of us have dated sneaky fuckers. Here’s the thing. I’ve totally dated SNEAKY fuckers, but I’ve never dated a sneaky FUCKER. The difference being: a SNEAKY fucker is the guy who’s all “no, baby, I totally don’t have a girlfriend!” and then you find out he does; or “you’re amazing, you’re the best thing that’s even happened to me, my whole life has changed since meeting you” and then you never hear from them again; or “yeah, I tried cocaine once, but it wasn’t for me” and you start hearing from people he’s dealing and he’s his own best customer. A sneaky FUCKER is the one who’s hanging out, willing to be your best friend, but always eyeing you a little too avidly, always with the “you’re so amazing, WHY do you let him treat you that way, you’re too GOOD for that” and some girls totally dig on that because it’s attention and they like that and then when they find themselves alone he makes his planned-out move and I guess they’re weak enough to be “eh, whatever, a warm body’s a warm body.”
I hate both of these types of people.
Obviously, I hate the first type of asshole, because you’re a liar and a time-waster and a user and a prick and if I ever come across you again, you can be damn sure you’re not going to leave that meeting unscathed, you human piece of shit.
The second type, I hate just as much. I think the second type of man is weak and pathetic and waiting for a woman, in a moment of weakness, to throw them a bone and be all, “I just need someone to hold me” and he can be like “I’m HERE for you, I’ve always BEEN here” and that makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. I would rather, honestly, be sneaky fucked by a liar than someone who is a dishrag just waiting for me to be pathetic enough to need someone to scratch my back against like a bear with a tree in the woods.
Psst: I’ll never be that pathetic. Keep on waitin’, sneaky fucker. Hope you brought a magazine or something.
I knew a sneaky fucker in college. Let’s call him Tom. Because that is almost his name and I’m pretty sure he’s not reading this because I haven’t spoken to him since 1994. Tom and I met because we were in a play together. Tom was not in the play because he liked theater. Tom was in the play because he heard there were a lot of gay men in theater, therefore, him being a straight man, he would have a good chance at getting laid. Tom was a nice enough guy, but he was sad and kind of pathetic and spent way too much time in the computer lab looking at porn in the middle of the night. He decided I was going to eventually stop falling for “bad guys” (anyone who wasn’t him was bad) and realize he was “the one.” So I’d leave the computer lab and there would be Tom! I’d leave the dining hall and there would be Tom! And he’d always be all, “If you ever need to talk, I’m here. If you ever need a shoulder, I’m here.” And he didn’t know me very well, because I NEVER need a shoulder and I very seldom need to talk, at least not to people I’m not that close with. Also, he could NOT maintain eye contact. Tom was all about having conversations with my tits. It was totally repulsive. I’M UP HERE TOM.
Eventually I started seeing him and quickly walking the other way because every conversation was “Are you seeing anyone? We should have lunch. We should hang out. Are you happy with him? I hope so. You deserve to be happy. If he isn’t making you happy, you deserve better. If you ever need to talk about it, you know how to find me.” ZOMG TOM LAY OFF.
Yeah, I totally am the wrong kind of prey for the sneaky fucker, seriously. Because I see sneaky fuckers as equal parts weaselly and pathetic? And there’s nothing that gives me the opposite of a lady-boner than a combination of those two things, let me tell you. Ick.
Additionally, the alpha male doesn’t do it for me, much, either. I think if I was an elk and you had the fighty elk in one corner, and you had the skeevy sneaky fucker elk waiting to hump me like a Dachshund getting amorous with a table leg in the other corner, I’d make a beeline for the aloof quiet staying out of all of it elk who was minding his own damn business and maybe reading whatever the elk-equivalent of a book is, or whatever. Because sneaky-fucking? Not hot. But bashing in each other’s brains for some nookie, equally not hot. TAKE NOTICE MEN.
Also, can we just quickly discuss what the flipside of this would be, sexually? (I assure you this isn’t going where you think it is.) I mean, gender-role-wise. In nature, obviously, there’s no need for that, because it’s all about procreation, and the women aren’t fighting over the men, I don’t think. (Or are they? I bet Andreas would know if there were species, other than humans, where the females all cage-match it out for male attention.) But in the human race, there are TOTALLY female sneaky fuckers. Waiting for the guy to break up with his girl, or whatever, and hanging out all one of the guys but not REALLY all one of the guys, just in order to be with the guy she has her sights set on in case he notices her in “that way” and decides he wants to trip the light fandango when his girlfriend’s out of town at college orientation WHAT I TOTALLY MADE THAT SHIT UP THAT IS JUST A TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO AND DID NOT AT ALL HAPPEN TO ME. That skank ho Bonnie. Moving on. So, as humans, aren’t we evolutionarily advanced? We have BOTH female and male sneaky fuckers! But! Ladies! Word to the wise? The guy isn’t going to, suddenly, all When-Harry-Met-Sally-style the morning after realize you’re the one that he wants, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey, the one that he wants. I mean, again, TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO, but you might have spent MONTHS being sneaky fucker and then one night FINALLY, and the next morning, guess what? It’s like his damn PANTS are on fire to get out of your place, and the next day you totally get the “listen, that was a mistake, you’re a great girl, I like you so much as a friend, but that’s it, I got back together with Cyndi with an i today” email. Even though you TOTALLY wore your nicest underthings. THE LACY ONES. THAT MATCHED. What? I said it was hypothetical. Sheesh. Also, put away your judgey face, I was barely in my twenties. Oh. Shit. I mean, if it had happened, the person it would have HAPPENED to would have been barely twenty-one. Ha. Ha ha.
As Andreas has already informed us that his post is going to be all about moose porn, or maybe moose erotica, it was debatable, I feel like I have let you all down because this post has most DEFINITELY not been about moose porn. I mean, I could try to throw in some moose porn. But it would feel forced. You shouldn’t force moose porn. That’s the worst kind of moose porn. It should be ORGANIC.
So, in summation: science is just about my favorite thing in the world. Because it brings me such things as Sneaky Fucker Strategy. And my Twitter people? The most awesome. Because, Sneaky Fucker WEEK. Which I will keep you apprised of; I’m pretty sure they’ll be more entertaining than I was. OH! And I bet you, other bloggers reading this, want in. YOU CAN JOIN US. This is totally open to all people who want to be part of the sneaky fuckery! Just let me know you sneaky-fucker-blogged and I’ll tell the world. THE WORLD.
Sneaky Fucker Strategy. Andreas! YOU WIN INTERNET.
OUR SNEAKY FUCKER BLOGROLL OF SNEAKY FUCKERISM
Andreas’s post at Heinakroon.com – The art of kleptogamy. It is the hottest moose erotica you’ll ever read, seriously. I mean, if you ever read any OTHER moose erotica, or HAVE read any other moose erotica.
Here we have Ken’s take: Duckie Dale, an 80s sneaky fucker if there ever was one. (An aside, if I may – and who’s going to stop me, it’s my damn blog. Did anyone ever see the episode of Just Shoot Me with Slow Donnie where he was all, “My dog smiles with his tail!” This post made me so happy I would have smiled with my tail, had I a tail. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.)
And a guest post ON MY OWN BLOG HUZZAH: Mr. Anonymous gives us his own tales of Sneaky Fuckerism in college. Not for the faint of heart, or for those who have children going off to college in the near future. Or for people who don’t like awesome things.