You don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger, and you don’t mess around with Jim.

I was totally TAGGED sort of kind of this is SO EXCITING ZOMG!!!

Jim tagged me and said very nice things about me that may or may not be true AND I get to answer QUESTIONS about my PERSONAL LIFE AND TIMES. I know, right? Total win for ALL THE PEOPLE. Well, I don’t know, maybe some? Fine, just me, then. WIN FOR ME.

Well, he didn’t tag me, per se. He “linked” me. I think Jim feels as I do about tagging; who wants to bother people? I don’t want to bother people.

However, I love to answer questions. I did inform Jim, however, that I would most likely not be answering these WELL or CORRECTLY or IN ANY SORT OF ORDER and that probably I would go off on a lot of tangents. Jim said that sounded unlike me, and that it’s “usually totally blueprint for (me).” That made me laugh so hard I snorted, and I favorited that tweet because I’m fairly sure that I’m going to want to go back and look at it a number of times and think, “wouldn’t that be a funny alternate reality to live in, one in which I was all by-the-book-ma’am HA HA HA.”

So! Here we go with the question-answering! Now, Jim said that I only had to answer 11 of these? But where would a person get with doing only the MINIMUM required of them? Would that person be VALEDICTORIAN OF THEIR HIGH SCHOOL, Jim? Would that person be TOTALLY THE MIDDLE SCHOOL SPELLING BEE CHAMPION OF UPSTATE NEW YORK UNTIL SHE LOST TO SOME OTHER KIDS, Jim? Would that person be THE MOST UNRULY-HAIRED, CRAZY-EYED BLOGGER IN ALL THE LAND, Jim? No. No, she would NOT. Therefore, I will answer them ALL. Unless I don’t feel like it because the answer is none of your damn business or I get bored and something else shiny comes along, we’ll see how that goes.

1.         If you had the choice to know when you were going to die or not to know, what would you choose?

I would not want to know. I just want to die. Quickly and painlessly. QUICKLY. Stress on that, please. There is NOTHING more terrifying to me than having a stroke and being trapped and unable to communicate and people would be touching you all day and you couldn’t get away from them, or read, and you know they’d leave your television on Fox News all damn day long. I want to die quickly and out of the blue and then I want to be cremated and I don’t want anyone to look at my gross dead body with too much lipstick on because I find that so, so morbid I can’t even tell you.

2.        What is the one food you could not live without eating ever again?

Food? We’re talking about food, and not beverage. Because if it’s beverage, obviously water. Because otherwise you would die dead. Um…could not LIVE? Are we talking, like, seriously, or metaphorically? Seriously, I suppose you need a balanced diet to live, right? So, something with all the food groups in one place, like stew, or something, wouldn’t that be the best choice? I mean, I don’t really like stew all that much but whatever. Metaphorically, I’m going to have to say chocolate. No day is complete without some, seriously. That made me sound like a total hormonal woman but there you have it.

3.        Where is the one place you most want to visit on the planet and why?

Maine. I’ve always wanted to go and have never gotten a chance. I want to visit the coast and I want to skulk around Stephen King’s house and I want to eat lobster rolls. You thought I’d say somewhere fancy, didn’t you? I’ve already been to Europe. It’s crossed off. And California. So, Maine, then. Also, I do so like that this question specifies “on the planet.” Otherwise, my answer SO would have been Uranus. YEAH I SAID URANUS.

4.        How many times a day do you say a swear word? 

How many times are there in a day? You really need to click on Jim’s blog link up there. He made a bar graph. It made me laugh for like twenty minutes. I say a lot of cusses daily. Mostly shit. And the eff word. I don’t use it a lot on here because THINK OF THE CHILDREN but in real life I say it a LOT lot. Not in front of THE CHILDREN, though. In front of THE CHILDREN I say “Oh, shoot.” Or “oh, man.” I really try not to cuss around THE CHILDREN. Luckily, I am not around THE CHILDREN often, so it’s not really an issue. (Also, were you aware that children, such as The Nephew, totally repeat EVERYTHING? It is true. You have to be so careful about EVERYTHING you say. Or your adorable 2 ½ year old best little guy is going to start calling his Thomas the Tank Engine a douchecanoe.)

5.        What is the most absurd phobia you have and why? 

I’m freaked out by clowns, but that’s a pretty normal phobia. Everyone hates those grim, makeup-wearing death creepers. I’m not really all that scared of a lot of things. I’m pretty practical, all-told. Things jumping out at me, but honestly, who likes that? Weirdos, that’s who. I can’t think of an answer to this one. SORRY I FAIL.

6.        If all A’s are B’s. Not B, therefore not A. How does this relate to the greatness of cheese? 

WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS EVEN MEAN. Cheese is awesome. The MOST awesome. One of my favorite foods of ALL TIME. I don’t understand the first part of this question. It seems foolish and like you’re wasting my time. Are you wasting my time? What makes you think you have the right to do that? Bite me, QUESTION, you time-wasting bastard.

7.         If you could go back in time and undo one event, what would it be and why?

The answer to this question is private and none of anyone’s business because it relates to my family. I could make up some sort of cutesy-cute ha-ha answer but it would be a lie. So, nope. Sorry, questions.

8.        A frat boy, a cougar and a priest all walk into a bar. Which do you make fun of first?

My friend C., who was a member of a fraternity in college, says I’m not allowed to SAY “frat” because it’s disrespectful. His statement was, “you wouldn’t call your country a ‘cunt’, would you?” I will never forget that statement because it made me laugh and laugh and I’m pretty sure I answered with, “Yeah, I might, actually.”

Why are these people and/or animals walking into a bar? I wouldn’t make fun of any of them. I would be respectful to the priest, ignore the frat boy (sorry, C.) and stare longingly at the cougar, wanting SO BADLY to pat it on its head but knowing it would claw and eat me if I tried. So, d., none of the above.

9.        Fried or deep fried?


10.      Who are some blogs you would recommend we read cuz you think they are hilarious/awesome/inspiring/etc?

If you’re reading this on my actual blog, look to the right. Maybe down a little, or up, I don’t know. Either way, there’s a thing called a blogroll. Those are the people whose blogs I read and love. I haven’t updated it in a little while and I have some people to add. I need to do that soon. ANYWAY, I recommend those people. Also Jim, obviously, who tagged me or linked me or whatever. He has at least two blogs that I know of. There might be more. Jim’s kind of a multi-tasker. He said very nice things about me when he talked about me, so now I will return the favor. Jim is a wonderful writer. He is also an amazing dad and husband, and one of the funniest people I’ve been lucky enough to virtually meet. He’s also very intelligent. I dig Jim the most. He’s groovy.

11.       When you’re in a bad mood, what will, without fail, always cheer you up?

The Nephew. Also, penguins.

12.      What would your dream house look like?

It would have a library with one of those Beauty-and-the-Beast rolling ladders in it. Also lots of yard space for rambling and trees and things. And a media room with a gigantic television. And more than three electrical outlets, like my apartment does and each one totally looks like the outlet in A Christmas Story that’s overloaded. And it would have a washer-dryer. And a maintenance person, because that’s why I could never have a house. I could never deal with my own maintenance. You know the roof would blow off or something and then where would we be? Cold and wet with books flapping all over, is where.

13.      Obviously you love blogging, but is there anything about it you don’t like? Be honest.

Don’t like? Um. I wish I had more time to do it. I wish I had more time to read and comment on other people’s blogs. I wish I had started sooner and not put it off for like 43 kabillion years. Otherwise, nope. I’m good.

14.      What do you think your life would look like if you had made a different decision than the one that led you to where you are today?

This is a vague and stupid question. Life is a million little decisions. Even one, done differently, can change the course of your entire life. You can’t pinpoint any one decision that would have changed life as you know it. I’m happy, overall, with where my life is today. Do I wish somehow, magically, I had more money, a happy relationship, all good things? Sure. Who doesn’t want those things? But what if I had those things, and didn’t have my amazing brain, my creative drive, my love of the arts? I’m good, honestly. I’ll stick with what I have and not play the what-if game.

15.      What would your death row last meal be?

It’s embarrassing so I’m not going to share that information with you. Something my mom’s mom makes best, something my dad’s mom made best. There. That’s all you get, you nosy bastard people.

16.      Facebook or Twitter? Why? 

I like them both. Twitter wins, but I like them both. Facebook is good for networking, photos of The Nephew, keeping in touch with far-flung people, and rolling my eyes at people’s stupidity. Twitter is good for total awesomeness and loving people that I will probably never meet as much as I love pretty much anyone. So most definitely Twitter, but don’t take away my Facebook, either. Thanks.

17.       Coke or Pepsi? Why? 

Neither. I can’t drink carbonated beverages. Also, I don’t like cola, and didn’t, even when I COULD drink carbonated beverages.

18.      Name something you don’t think you’ve ever blogged about.

Again, was the person making up these questions on crack cocaine? There are a MILLION things I’ve never blogged about, from the banal to the humongous. The reasons for not blogging about them run the gamut from “they’d bore the pants off my readers” to “they are none of your damn business, Skippy.”

19.      Besides where you currently live, where else do you think you’d like to live?

Nowhere. I’m never leaving where I live. I love New York, I love the Capital District, and I’m here to stay. If I ever left, I’d be heartbroken. There are plenty of places I love to VISIT, mind you (New York City, I’d be glad to take an extended vacation in) but the Capital District owns my heart.

20.      Not considering kids or money or anything practical, what car would you like to own?

One that runs. I don’t care about cars. I’d like one with air conditioning and a CD player and a built-in GPS, too, but as long as it runs, I’m totally not picky.

21.      What is your customary order at Starbucks? 

I’ve been to Starbucks twice in my entire life. I know, are you so shocked? IT IS TRUE. I’m sure I ordered exactly what I order at Dunkin’ Donuts, only in their affected Starbucks-language. Decaf with skim milk and lots of Splenda. Iced if it’s hot out, hot if it’s cold out. I’m not picky about my coffee.

Post 11 things about yourself.

You can bite me twice, darlin’. I’m posting a MILLION things about myself, and you want ELEVEN MORE? Nope. I abstain. YOU CAN’T HANDLE ELEVEN MORE. Also, this one didn’t even have a number. I HATE THIS ONE.

22.      What is one thing people might be surprised to learn about you?

I’m actually not flaky, even though I come across as such here. I heighten that. FOR DRAMA PURPOSES YO. I’m pretty level-headed overall. Also, it apparently surprises the shit out of people when they come to my house that I own over 100 different bottles of perfume. What can I say, I like to have options.

23.      Which three movies would you want with you if you were stranded on a desert island?

Ugh, this is a hard question. I hate things like this, it’s like choosing amongst your children. And the next question’s going to be worse. OK, um…I think you need a selection. A drama, a musical, and a comedy. So I’m going to say Magnolia, Waiting for Guffman, and Moulin Rouge.

24.      Which three books would you want with you if you were stranded on a desert island?

SEE? This one’s WORSE. Fine. The Riverside Shakespeare, because it’s gigantic and would keep me busy and I could act out plays with the crabs and palm trees and shit. A Prayer for Owen Meany, because it’s my favorite book of all time. And…ugh, I guess the collected poems of T.S. Eliot? This question is giving me a migraine. I don’t want to think about only having three books for the rest of my life, I really don’t.

25.      If you could only eat one food for a whole week…what would it be?

WHY ARE YOU NARROWING DOWN THINGS LIKE THIS. I can’t only eat one food for a week. I would get BORED of it and I would DIE DEAD. Fine. FINE. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I’ve been on a kick with them lately. I have the tastebuds of a kindergartener. Lay off already.

26.      If your life was a reality show…what would the name of the show be?

Pratfall! (The exclamation point is non-negotiable.)

27.      Name one thing you hope to accomplish this year.

Not just ONE thing, Mary. A whole HATFUL of things! No, seriously, I’ve got plans coming out my ass for 2012. You want one thing. Um…I’d like to get a couple more of my poems published. That’s just the tip of the fancy-ass iceberg, though.

28.      What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen?

Tastes change as you get older. When I was a kid, it was Airplane. True story: peed my pants laughing while watching Airplane because I didn’t want to miss anything by getting up to go to the bathroom. It still makes me laugh like a moron. The air traffic controller who makes the map into a pterodactyl is still one of the best moments of anything in a movie, ever. As an adult, it’s Waiting for Guffman, as mentioned above. If you’re a community theater person, you’ll understand.

29.      If your relationship was a movie…what would it be called?

It wouldn’t be called anything. It would be that lonely whistling sound that you hear when looking at an arid desert scene just before a tumbleweed drifts by.

30.      Shower or bath? 

Shower. I HATE BATHS. I believe baths are a torture device where you are soaking in your own filth. They DISGUST me.

31.      Describe your perfect day.

Wake up with no alarm whenever the hell I want; Dumbcat does not jump on my face; leisurely breakfast/read the newspaper; blog; go see a wonderful play; have a nice, quiet dinner with friends; go home, watch something on television, go to bed at a reasonable hour. I KNOW I’M THE MOST LAME. Too much excitement is bad for your liver, I think I read that somewhere. Change scares me.

32.      Who is your favorite character in a movie? Why?

Ugh, like, ever? I can’t…why would you…how can a person narrow something like that down? I can’t. I just can’t. I love so many people for so many reasons. I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples and bastards and broken things. So I love Richie Tenenbaum and I love George Falconer and I love Massoud Amir Behrani and I love Claudia Wilson and I love Donnie Smith and I love Finbar McBride and I love Ennis Del Mar and I love Brendan Frye and I love Barry Egan and I love Merrill Hess. I can’t choose. Dammit, you made me choose my books and food and movies, you can’t make me choose my characters. I’m only human.

33.      Why the hell did your parents give you that name? 

They didn’t. A nurse in the hospital did. My parents were expecting a boy. They had a boy named picked out. Not a girl name. And when I popped out with internal plumbing, they were confused and perplexed. A nurse said, “Amy’s…a nice name?” So, yeah. WAY TO PLAN AHEAD MOM AND DAD.

34.      Is there a song with your name in it that everyone sings as if you’ve never heard the song before? Is it sung by Sting? What about Ewan Macgregor? That’s what I thought.

Usually “Aime” by Pure Prairie League. I never get “Once in Love with Amy” by Frank Sinatra, which I find perplexing. By not singing that to me, are they implying that they WOULDN’T be in love with me, once in love with me? I’m hurt by that implication, I truly am. I’m honestly OK with either. I love them both.

35.      What was your first job? Why did you ever leave?

Babysitting. I left because I went to college. What are you implying, I should still be living at home with my parents, babysitting kids that are now in their mid-twenties and have children of their own? That seems…ill-advised. And honestly a little creepy.

36.      Have you bought a copy of Barcode yet? Why the hell not?

I don’t know what this means. Is it a book? A video game? A phone app? BE MORE SPECIFIC.

37.      Isn’t Handflapper one of the most beautiful women on the Twitter? The orange shirt and martini glass really bring out the red in her lips.

Um…yes? Jim, these questions are odd.

38.      How many is too many when it comes to browser tabs?

On my work computer, as many as I want. It’s fast. At home, I can have two before it freezes up and I have to hard shutdown. IT IS THE SUCKIEST COMPUTER EVER.

39.      Can you name any Jeremy London movies without looking it up? (Mallrats doesn’t count. That just proves you read this post.)

I get the London boys mixed up. I think Jeremy was the one on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Does that count? Also, I didn’t read your post. I GOT THE QUESTIONS FROM JIM.

40.      What is one stereotype people usually associate with you? Is it true?

In real life, I think most people think I’m a bitch.

They’re totally right, yes. Good call, most people.

41.      If you were a tree, what kind of animal would you be?

Oh, for the love of…are you a freakin’ hippie with these questions? I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might make me punch you in the nostril.

42.      Why do papercuts hurt so damn much?

I don’t know. Because you’re breaking your skin and it’s your body’s biggest organ and there’s blood and germs are getting in and it’s the worst? I’m not a scientist.

43.      What is your all-time favorite book?

A Prayer for Owen Meany. Mentioned it above, Slappy.

YAY! I totally win answering all the questions except the ones I didn’t want to answer and the one that asked too many questions and the effing hippie granola sunshine treetop one. I’m not tagging anyone. If you feel like you want to answer these, totally pretend you’ve been tagged, and answer in the comments, or do your own post and copy/paste the shit out of this, I give you ALL THE PERMISSION. Well, not to copy/paste my answers. That would just be the most rude and also lies because my answers would NOT be your answers.

THANK YOU JIM. You are filled with awesomeness and bestestness!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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