I consider myself somewhat savvy. I mean, sure, I’m totally old and all, whatever, and when the kids start doing what kids do, like, oh, I don’t know, having all the sex really young or wearing pants with “Juicy” written across the ass, yes, I find that perplexing, but I just chalk that up to being old. I’m sure my parents were equally confused with teenage actions and fashions when I was going through puberty. For example, the time I decided to dress like Cyndi Lauper for Easter Mass and they made me change my clothes even though that was a totally happening outfit, you guys, seriously. I mean, all they told me was to put on a skirt. They didn’t tell me the shirt couldn’t be a flared acid-washed denim miniskirt with feetless black tights with lace around the ankles. BE MORE PRECISE IN YOUR DIRECTIONS AND MAYBE THE PROBLEM WOULDN’T HAVE OCCURRED, MOM AND DAD.
If there is new technology and I think I might find it interesting, I make an attempt to learn it. Sometimes this meets with better results than other times. Facebook? Totally learned it. It was confusing at first, but I picked up on it. It doesn’t help that they change the damn thing every six months or so (come ON, Zuckerberg, and also, am I the only one who can’t get the damn timeline to stay set on “most recent?” It always defaults back to “highlighted stories” so I’m reading stories from two days ago. I don’t care about two days ago. I already read those. Gah) and when I wanted to learn Twitter, EVEN THOUGH everyone was all “Twitter is TOTALLY LAMESAUCE” I learned Twitter and now I win Twitter so suck it, haters. I’m not having as much success with Google Plus or Tumblr, but mostly because I spend all my Google Plus energy on Facebook and all my Tumblr energy on my blog, so it seems extraneous to have another Facebook (although it’s prettier and set up better) and a smaller blog. But I HAVE them. And I UNDERSTAND them. I just don’t enjoy them as much as other people seem to do.
But there are some things I just, for the life of me, do not understand. Like, things that I have TRIED to understand, but that completely and totally elude me. And I think I’m alone in them. I’m pretty sure I’m one of the only people in the world who feels this way. I AM CONFUSED.
THINGS THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO LOVE AND I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THEM BECAUSE I THINK I AM FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN IN SOME SERIOUS IRREPARABLE WAY
OK, so how excited was I when I finally got my Pinterest invitation? The most excited. ALL the cool kids are on Pinterest! So I was all, “This will be a total time suck! I am the MOST excited. I cannot WAIT!”
I’ve had Pinterest for about two weeks now and how many things have I pinned? ONE.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND PINTEREST.
Here are my problems with Pinterest.
First, I don’t ever come across anything on the Internet I feel is worth “pinning” so everyone can see. Mostly because I don’t look at pretty pictures online. I read dense slabs of text online. That is what I do with my online time.
Second, I am not planning a wedding, decorating a house, and I don’t cook or bake. These are the things that people seem to pin. Also, you know how some people are color-blind? I’m pretty-things blind. I mean, I see a pretty thing and I’m all “that’s pretty.” But I don’t appreciate it for its prettiness. And I don’t think, “I should pin that.” Last night, on Parks and Rec, Andy (who I love) was supposed to be finding clues for a treasure hunt. Instead, he brought back a huge gnarled branch. “I found this cool stick,” he said. “Maybe it’s a clue?” I’m Andy when it comes to Pinterest. I don’t see pretty things, even if they’re right in front of me. I see gnarly sticks that may or may not be clues.
Third, Pinterest is blocked at work, so even if I were to find something while killing time and web-surfing here, I can’t pin it. BLOCKED.
Fourth, I found some things that I randomly wanted to pin last week, and everything I clicked on said, “I don’t see a photo on this page” when clearly there WAS a photo on that page, and then come to find out you can’t pin things from Flickr, which one of the things I wanted to pin was from Flickr. The other thing wasn’t from Flickr. And there was definitely a photo on the page. Pinterest HATES me.
But people love Pinterest! SMART PEOPLE! That I love! I mean, I looked up tutorials, I’ve looked at the boards of the people I follow, I’ve tried to light the fires of Pinterest interest (heh) in my soul – NOTHING. My soul is DEAD to Pinterest. Sorry, world. I don’t get it.
According to people who know things about music, Bon Iver is good. I didn’t even know who Bon Iver was. I just knew that every once and a while, this soporific crap would come on the radio and I couldn’t change the channel quickly enough.
To me, Bon Iver sound like the music you would put on repeat as you sat in the bathtub and slashed your wrists with razors and then put a dry-cleaning bag over your head for good measure.
SO EFFING DEPRESSING.
They also sound a little like my record player used to sound when I would speed it up to make everyone sound like The Chipmunks, and a little like people talking sound when your head is underwater, and a little like Charlie Brown’s teacher.
They are everything I hate about music. They are a suicide note set to Musak.
But people seem to LOVE them. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Like, their shows sell out, and when people have tickets to a Bon Iver concert, people on Twitter are like rabidly salivating all over them all, “SO JEALOUSSSSS” and can you even IMAGINE sitting through two hours of this.
I’d put in a video, just in case you haven’t heard any of their music, but I don’t want to. I don’t want them on my blog. I DON’T WANT THEM HERE.
I realize this may make me some sort of troglodyte. What do you want from me. I said I was broken up there, did you not read that?
I’ve watched, all-told, I think three episodes of this? Because people keep saying, “YOU HAVE TO WATCH FAMILY GUY.” And listen, I hate Family Guy. Like, HATE, hate.
I don’t think it’s funny. At all. I think it’s strangely animated, and I think the lead character’s voice is discordant, and one of the episodes I watched part of seemed to be making light of domestic violence, and this is humorous? I don’t get it.
Yet, again, VERY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE find this funny. So I’m either too old to get this, or it’s one of those shows like Arrested Development where I’m not intelligent enough to get it (but I totally usually get those shows, so I don’t think that’s it?), or I don’t like cartoons (again, probably not true, I haven’t missed an episode of The Simpsons since it started) or the rest of you people drank some sort of magic Koolaid and I wasn’t invited to the Jim Jones party. WHICH ONE IS IT.
Emo statuses on Facebook, and, subsequently, when people comment on them, saying, “I don’t want to talk about it”
This is happening more and more and MORE. Listen, I’m totally the most closed-mouthed about my personal shit. I know, right now, you’re all, “LYING LIAR WHO LIES, we know ALL your personal shit.” But you don’t. You know what I want you to know of my personal shit. There is a lot of stuff I don’t tell you. There is a lot of stuff that only BFF gets, and, honestly, there’s a lot of stuff that even BFF doesn’t get. Because I was taught you keep your personal shit to YOURSELF, and you work through shit YOURSELF, and I AM A ROCK I AM AN IIIIIIIIISLAND.
But putting a status on Facebook like “You tore my heart out and stomped on it and how will I go on” and then someone comments with an “are you alright?” (NOT ME, I ignore those statuses as if they’re STDs) and you’re all “I don’t want to talk about it” CONFUSES ME. Why are you airing your dirty laundry? Don’t you have close friends you can share that with? Or, do you not have close friends? That makes me so sad for you. Is it attention-seeking? Are you attempting to get the attention of the person who scorned you? Are you just so sad you can’t help yourself and your fingers are working of their own accord? Don’t you have family on your Facebook page? Can’t they see that? Someone’s going to think you’re suicidal. Is that what you want? Do you want someone to think you’re suicidal? Is this a cry for help? WHAT IS GOING ON. I AM SO CONFUSED.
And listen, before you’re all “this is teens doing this” IT IS NOT JUST TEENS. It is ADULTS TOO. I don’t get it. Not even a little bit.
The world’s seeming obsession with Channing Tatum
There are 43,000 actors more attractive than Channing Tatum. By the way, that’s not even a real name. It’s not even one of those “two last names” names. It’s like he picked two random street names out of a phone book and said, “That will be me now.”
Channing Tatum’s neck scares the bejeebers out of me. It’s like his head is an extension of his neck. His neck and head are the same circumference. Also, I think he seems like a bro. I hate bros.
Also, he can’t act. It’s like watching an alien from another planet attempt to fit into American society, watching this kid act. “I-AM-A-HUMAN-MALE-OF-YOUR-SPECIES.”
People luuuurrrrrve him, though. I don’t get it. There are other actors in a similar age range who actually have acting skills and necks that don’t look scary. Why don’t people obsess over those actors? Also, who put him in a movie with Rachel McAdams? If I was her, I’d have stayed in the coma. No one wants to wake up to that monstrosity at your bedside. Eek.
Yes. Yes, I know I’m probably broken. I SAID I WAS BROKEN. Whatever, I accept it. Probably I’m like poor Channing Tatum and am just attempting to fit into your human society. At least my neck is of normal circumference.
Also, I don’t know if you’re aware? But Saturday Night Live this weekend? Just found out that host: Channing Tatum. Musical guest: Bon Iver. IT IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE YOU GUYS. Maybe they’ll have a Family Guy skit and also pin a bunch of shit on Pinterest while putting up emo Facebook statuses. SO MUCH AWESOME IN ONE PLACE HOW WILL I SURVIVE.