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Clearly, there are forces at work here beyond our understanding.

I consider myself somewhat savvy. I mean, sure, I’m totally old and all, whatever, and when the kids start doing what kids do, like, oh, I don’t know, having all the sex really young or wearing pants with “Juicy” written across the ass, yes, I find that perplexing, but I just chalk that up to being old. I’m sure my parents were equally confused with teenage actions and fashions when I was going through puberty. For example, the time I decided to dress like Cyndi Lauper for Easter Mass and they made me change my clothes even though that was a totally happening outfit, you guys, seriously. I mean, all they told me was to put on a skirt. They didn’t tell me the shirt couldn’t be a flared acid-washed denim miniskirt with feetless black tights with lace around the ankles. BE MORE PRECISE IN YOUR DIRECTIONS AND MAYBE THE PROBLEM WOULDN’T HAVE OCCURRED, MOM AND DAD.

If there is new technology and I think I might find it interesting, I make an attempt to learn it. Sometimes this meets with better results than other times. Facebook? Totally learned it. It was confusing at first, but I picked up on it. It doesn’t help that they change the damn thing every six months or so (come ON, Zuckerberg, and also, am I the only one who can’t get the damn timeline to stay set on “most recent?” It always defaults back to “highlighted stories” so I’m reading stories from two days ago. I don’t care about two days ago. I already read those. Gah) and when I wanted to learn Twitter, EVEN THOUGH everyone was all “Twitter is TOTALLY LAMESAUCE” I learned Twitter and now I win Twitter so suck it, haters. I’m not having as much success with Google Plus or Tumblr, but mostly because I spend all my Google Plus energy on Facebook and all my Tumblr energy on my blog, so it seems extraneous to have another Facebook (although it’s prettier and set up better) and a smaller blog. But I HAVE them. And I UNDERSTAND them. I just don’t enjoy them as much as other people seem to do.

But there are some things I just, for the life of me, do not understand. Like, things that I have TRIED to understand, but that completely and totally elude me. And I think I’m alone in them. I’m pretty sure I’m one of the only people in the world who feels this way. I AM CONFUSED.

THINGS THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO LOVE AND I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THEM BECAUSE I THINK I AM FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN IN SOME SERIOUS IRREPARABLE WAY

Pinterest

I tried SO HARD. I don't get it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

OK, so how excited was I when I finally got my Pinterest invitation? The most excited. ALL the cool kids are on Pinterest! So I was all, “This will be a total time suck! I am the MOST excited. I cannot WAIT!”

I’ve had Pinterest for about two weeks now and how many things have I pinned? ONE.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND PINTEREST.

Here are my problems with Pinterest.

First, I don’t ever come across anything on the Internet I feel is worth “pinning” so everyone can see. Mostly because I don’t look at pretty pictures online. I read dense slabs of text online. That is what I do with my online time.

Second, I am not planning a wedding, decorating a house, and I don’t cook or bake. These are the things that people seem to pin. Also, you know how some people are color-blind? I’m pretty-things blind. I mean, I see a pretty thing and I’m all “that’s pretty.” But I don’t appreciate it for its prettiness. And I don’t think, “I should pin that.” Last night, on Parks and Rec, Andy (who I love) was supposed to be finding clues for a treasure hunt. Instead, he brought back a huge gnarled branch. “I found this cool stick,” he said. “Maybe it’s a clue?” I’m Andy when it comes to Pinterest. I don’t see pretty things, even if they’re right in front of me. I see gnarly sticks that may or may not be clues.

Third, Pinterest is blocked at work, so even if I were to find something while killing time and web-surfing here, I can’t pin it. BLOCKED.

Fourth, I found some things that I randomly wanted to pin last week, and everything I clicked on said, “I don’t see a photo on this page” when clearly there WAS a photo on that page, and then come to find out you can’t pin things from Flickr, which one of the things I wanted to pin was from Flickr. The other thing wasn’t from Flickr. And there was definitely a photo on the page. Pinterest HATES me.

But people love Pinterest! SMART PEOPLE! That I love! I mean, I looked up tutorials, I’ve looked at the boards of the people I follow, I’ve tried to light the fires of Pinterest interest (heh) in my soul – NOTHING. My soul is DEAD to Pinterest. Sorry, world. I don’t get it.

Bon Iver

Even his emo FACE makes me annoyed. Even his emo BEANIE.

According to people who know things about music, Bon Iver is good. I didn’t even know who Bon Iver was. I just knew that every once and a while, this soporific crap would come on the radio and I couldn’t change the channel quickly enough.

To me, Bon Iver sound like the music you would put on repeat as you sat in the bathtub and slashed your wrists with razors and then put a dry-cleaning bag over your head for good measure.

SO EFFING DEPRESSING.

They also sound a little like my record player used to sound when I would speed it up to make everyone sound like The Chipmunks, and a little like people talking sound when your head is underwater, and a little like Charlie Brown’s teacher.

They are everything I hate about music. They are a suicide note set to Musak.

But people seem to LOVE them. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Like, their shows sell out, and when people have tickets to a Bon Iver concert, people on Twitter are like rabidly salivating all over them all, “SO JEALOUSSSSS” and can you even IMAGINE sitting through two hours of this.

I’d put in a video, just in case you haven’t heard any of their music, but I don’t want to. I don’t want them on my blog. I DON’T WANT THEM HERE.

I realize this may make me some sort of troglodyte. What do you want from me. I said I was broken up there, did you not read that?

Family Guy

Nope. Still not funny.

I’ve watched, all-told, I think three episodes of this? Because people keep saying, “YOU HAVE TO WATCH FAMILY GUY.” And listen, I hate Family Guy. Like, HATE, hate.

I don’t think it’s funny. At all. I think it’s strangely animated, and I think the lead character’s voice is discordant, and one of the episodes I watched part of seemed to be making light of domestic violence, and this is humorous? I don’t get it.

Yet, again, VERY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE find this funny. So I’m either too old to get this, or it’s one of those shows like Arrested Development where I’m not intelligent enough to get it (but I totally usually get those shows, so I don’t think that’s it?), or I don’t like cartoons (again, probably not true, I haven’t missed an episode of The Simpsons since it started) or the rest of you people drank some sort of magic Koolaid and I wasn’t invited to the Jim Jones party. WHICH ONE IS IT.

Emo statuses on Facebook, and, subsequently, when people comment on them, saying, “I don’t want to talk about it”

The sheer fact that this graphic exists is distressing.

This is happening more and more and MORE. Listen, I’m totally the most closed-mouthed about my personal shit. I know, right now, you’re all, “LYING LIAR WHO LIES, we know ALL your personal shit.” But you don’t. You know what I want you to know of my personal shit. There is a lot of stuff I don’t tell you. There is a lot of stuff that only BFF gets, and, honestly, there’s a lot of stuff that even BFF doesn’t get. Because I was taught you keep your personal shit to YOURSELF, and you work through shit YOURSELF, and I AM A ROCK I AM AN IIIIIIIIISLAND.

But putting a status on Facebook like “You tore my heart out and stomped on it and how will I go on” and then someone comments with an “are you alright?” (NOT ME, I ignore those statuses as if they’re STDs) and you’re all “I don’t want to talk about it” CONFUSES ME. Why are you airing your dirty laundry? Don’t you have close friends you can share that with? Or, do you not have close friends? That makes me so sad for you. Is it attention-seeking? Are you attempting to get the attention of the person who scorned you? Are you just so sad you can’t help yourself and your fingers are working of their own accord? Don’t you have family on your Facebook page? Can’t they see that? Someone’s going to think you’re suicidal. Is that what you want? Do you want someone to think you’re suicidal? Is this a cry for help? WHAT IS GOING ON. I AM SO CONFUSED.

And listen, before you’re all “this is teens doing this” IT IS NOT JUST TEENS. It is ADULTS TOO. I don’t get it. Not even a little bit.

The world’s seeming obsession with Channing Tatum

Come on, ladies, seriously, this is a BRO. With a HUGE EFFING NECK AREA.

There are 43,000 actors more attractive than Channing Tatum. By the way, that’s not even a real name. It’s not even one of those “two last names” names. It’s like he picked two random street names out of a phone book and said, “That will be me now.”

Channing Tatum’s neck scares the bejeebers out of me. It’s like his head is an extension of his neck. His neck and head are the same circumference. Also, I think he seems like a bro. I hate bros.

Also, he can’t act. It’s like watching an alien from another planet attempt to fit into American society, watching this kid act. “I-AM-A-HUMAN-MALE-OF-YOUR-SPECIES.”

People luuuurrrrrve him, though. I don’t get it. There are other actors in a similar age range who actually have acting skills and necks that don’t look scary. Why don’t people obsess over those actors? Also, who put him in a movie with Rachel McAdams? If I was her, I’d have stayed in the coma. No one wants to wake up to that monstrosity at your bedside. Eek.

Yes. Yes, I know I’m probably broken. I SAID I WAS BROKEN. Whatever, I accept it. Probably I’m like poor Channing Tatum and am just attempting to fit into your human society. At least my neck is of normal circumference.

Also, I don’t know if you’re aware? But Saturday Night Live this weekend? Just found out that host: Channing Tatum. Musical guest: Bon Iver. IT IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE YOU GUYS. Maybe they’ll have a Family Guy skit and also pin a bunch of shit on Pinterest while putting up emo Facebook statuses. SO MUCH AWESOME IN ONE PLACE HOW WILL I SURVIVE.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

37 responses to “Clearly, there are forces at work here beyond our understanding.

  • shmodeJody

    1. Like it. Get it, probably because I’m a freaky mom-type.
    2. Blech, completely agree. Skin-crawl, heebeejeebees agree!
    3. Ew, yes agree, and what is the deal with the balls on their chins?
    4. Definitely a resounding yes. I block the shit out of drama queens on FB.
    5. Who? ;)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I have got to figure out Pinterest. It’s like my K2. I WILL CONQUER IT. Or at least teach myself to care about it.

      I honestly couldn’t tell you a single movie Channing Tatum has been in, to tell you the truth. I just hear his name everywhere! I assume he does teen films? Or action films?

      Like

  • blogginglily

    I came here looking for Komen/PP discussion and get THIS?? Fine, I’ll play your game.

    I get facebook. Unfortunely, i get that is SUCKS. Suck it facebook. You know you suck.

    Why then, Jim (you might ask me), is Facebook so successful if you get it. . . and what you get is that it sucks??? How can all those people be wrong?

    Amy. . . people, not all, but MOST people are fucking MORONS!!! They like stupid ridiculous shit. WHY is facebook so successful? Because morons LOVE IT.

    Now, I seriously seriously hope you read that, because it’s going to be a recurring theme in my comments related to your post.

    The jury is still out on Pinterest, which I just joined, but I think fundamentally your approach is flawed. There are TONS of things you find interesting and want to collect for YOURSELF. So pin those things, organize them, and when you’re like, where the hell did I put that cool recipe for (insert name) you can go to pinterest, find the pin for the random blog (that wasn’t interesting enough to follow, but had that ONE bitchin’ recipe on it) and get your recipe. And etc. It’s not about pinning things for others. . . (although you could parlay it into that if you wanted). It’s about YOU.

    Why do people leave those weird toomuchinformation emo statuses on facebook? because people are morons.

    Channing Tatum? meh, I don’t know. he’s all ripped and stuff. Girls like that. Here’s an example. There’s a girl in my office. She dresses magnificently, awesome hair, and a body that says BAH BAM! But she’s got a hideously ugly face. Men will sleep with her though despite her face because of her smokin’ hot body. Because Men are morons. She’s a really cool girl, and funny as hell, so I support men that date her cause she’s an awesome human being. . . but it’s about the body from a desire standpoint.

    I like Family Guy, but the humor is stupid. And people like it because people are stupid. Lots of people. And I laugh at stupid humor, but I’m not DVR’ing episodes of it.

    I don’t know Bon Iver. He’s beardy lookin

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Wait, it was talk about Komen day? I’ve been avoiding Komen discussion because it’s all been done everywhere else. I might mention it at some point, but it seems kind of moot now, considering they backed down today.

      I…kind of like Facebook. I KNOW. I’m like the only person I know who doesn’t publicly proclaim Facebook hate. I’m fairly new to it, I think is part of it. Also, there are many nephew photos, so that’s awesome. And it’s an excellent theater networking tool. So overall, I love it. But yeah, there are a lot of dummies.

      Also? There are NOT a lot of things I find interesting. Isn’t that awful? I find a lot of things I READ (words, which you can’t pin) interesting. But not a lot of VISUAL things interesting. Not interesting enough to pin, anyway, for my (or other’s) consumption. Also, I don’t even look up recipes online, because I don’t cook. Too many dietary restrictions. Cooking is a minefield. I eat the same things over and over and over. It’s safer.

      Yeah, I don’t get the “girls liked ripped” thing. Ripped scares me.I like normal human bodies. With imperfections. They’re less daunting.

      “He’s beardy lookin” made me laugh like a moron.

      Your comments are kind of kickass, you know?

      Like

  • Elizabeth Snell (@me_mumstheword)

    I totally agree with nearly everything you said, except the Pinterest part. I love Pinterest. And Channing Tatum is a man? Everytime I hear this name I think of Carol Channing, who I now see is a totally different person.

    Like

  • Bronwyn

    *howls with laughter*
    can i just say that you are not alone? my office-mate and i can neither of us understand Pinterest! neither of us had heard of Bon Iver either, and while we can watch Family Guy, we’re not fans…

    and frankly, if you put something on Facebook, you’re basically saying “i want to talk about this” so following up with “i don’t want to talk about this” makes you a lying liar who lies! :D

    …i have never noticed poor Channing Tatum’s weird neck before, but now i’m never going to be able to unsee it! LOL! thanks for that… :D

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      It is TOTALLY a weird neck. It’s the same size as his head.

      You have to listen to Bon Iver to really appreciate the painful whininess of it. It’s awful. Ear-bleedingly awful.

      Ugh, Pinterest has started upsetting me right now. I don’t know why I can’t get it. I JUST CAN’T UNDERSTAND IT.

      Like

  • Rich Crete

    I feel your pain. I get that being an old bastard makes the popularity of things like zombies and vampires confusing to me but the one I don’t get and never did get, even when I was in high school, is horror flicks. Being scared shitless is not entertaining to me. Don’t get it. Why do people think this is fun?
    Emo people on FB make me stabby….hey! I used another Amyism.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yay for Amyisms!

      I like being scared in movies, because it’s a contained scary and makes me giggle (also, I don’t get very scared, so I guess that helps). I don’t like real-life scary, like haunted houses where people leap out at you. Those I don’t get. At all. STOP LEAPING OUT AT ME.

      Like

  • Omnibus

    Pinterest: you “Pin” something that “interest” s you.

    Bon Iver: Music today, bah!

    Family Guy: The Carlos Mencia of cartoons.

    Emo FB: Of course they don’t have friends “IRL” They also listen to Bon Iver.

    Channing Tatum: Actor Marky-Mark Jr.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think we’ve come to the root of the problem. Nothing truly interests me. Words interest me, but you can’t pin a great blog post or article or poem. Graphics, photos – meh. I don’t care.

      I like Marky-Mark! But yeah. He’s kind of the king of bland.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I’m on Facebook and Twitter. I was on Google+ but couldn’t muster the energy to manage yet another network so I bowed out. Twitter is the best, because it’s not so clicky as Facebook can be, and it’s more direct and totally global.

    I’ve been on Pinterest for a while, but – again – I just can’t spare enough energy to keep it going. (Only got one board and that contains just a few pins (most of which I got from @thebloggess): http://pinterest.com/heinakroon/weird-wonderful/)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      ANDREAS! Why are we not Facebook friends? This needs to be remedied immediately, seriously. I tried to find you once and could not. FIND ME ON FACEBOOK NOW PLEASE.

      Agreed. Twitter is the best. And so much more addictive than Facebook or any of the other networks. I love it irrationally.

      Also, I’m so going to follow you on Pinterest. You can look at the one thing I’ve pinned. It will make you shake your head with sadness that I’ve only found ONE THING in TWO WEEKS that’s at all pin-worthy.

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Done: I’ve friended you.

        (Although I struggle to take Facebook seriously after watching Southpark’s ‘You have 0 friends’-episode: “Stanley! Poke your grandma!”

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I haven’t seen that episode – I haven’t watched South Park in years. I need to do that someday.

          But Andreas! The friend request didn’t work! I went to your page after I accepted it and it was all “YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS WITH ANDREAS.” Facebook totally doesn’t want us to be friends. I’m the most disheartened.

          Like

  • lahikmajoe

    I’m not on Pinterest, but you’ve made me even more curious than I was.

    I don’t know about some of the references you make on here. Suppose I could go look this big-necked individual, but then I’m sure I don’t need to put such information in my head.

    You know what’s funny though? Your description of Bon Iver actually makes me curious. In a positive way. If I really like their music, I have you to thank.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’d actually be very curious to know what you think of Bon Iver. Everyone likes them. EVERYONE. I don’t know a single person in real life who isn’t all “Bon Iver? SQUEE.” And you have excellent taste in music, and actually KNOW about music, and are a musician. So I’d be curious to see what you think of them. Let me know?

      Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    I was mocking Pinterest on facebook two days ago. Today, I joined. One of my friends pinned such a sweet little knitted thing and I used to be yarn crafty. I couldn’t help myself, I have been tired and stressed lately and it seemed harmless, just a little bit of organized pretty that would add light to my day while, I know, sucking my very soul away from what I really want to do. So.

    Family Guy? Agreed. Don’t watch it. My kids think it is amazing. Whatever.

    So if I watch SNL tomorrow, I’ll know who Bon Iver and Channing Tatum are? Awesome. Learning two new cultural…what, icons?…by watching something I’d watch anyway is a win, even if I do not dig them.

    I don’t know if I love facebook, but I love my cousins and aunt and the happy and important life moments I pick up through it. Also some of them visit my blog via facebook because they don’t subscribe (why?). I could live without the strident position taking, though. My home page sometimes looks like a battle zone. I am friends with people on nearly all sides of every issue, though I did unfriend a person who claimed Muslims hate children (I HATE HATERS!) .

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I have to figure out Pinterest. Have to. HAVE TO.

      Yes, SNL tonight will teach you all about what the kids today like. I’m pretty sure it will make me feel very old, because I’ll leave the room during the musical guest and be watching Channing Tatum’s weirdo neck during the skits and it will all be very worrisome.

      Muslims hate children? Well, that’s a new one. Sigh. And, agreed on Facebook. I love the family things. I love being able to celebrate happy moments with people when they happen. I love seeing photos of The Nephew. I love the theater networking opportunities it gives me. Overall, I’m one of the weird pro-Facebook people, if only because I think it’s a good tool – but the dumbasses make it pretty annoying. I’m good at ignoring them, though. I just let my eyes skate right over the dumbassery.

      Like

  • Domestic Goddess in Training

    At first, I did not do much pinning. I would just go and look up recipes and look at look through the humor pins, but then I got hooked. I look at it as a way to keep all the crap that makes me laugh and ideas that I would certainly forget about in a somewhat organized format.
    My husband says is is like the woman’s form of reddit… so he usually goes through reddit and I will check out Pinterest and we show each other the funny stuff we find and then we are often surprised when we find that there is often an overlap.

    Like

  • jbrown3079

    I hate Arrested Development. My daughter said I needed to watch more than one episode to get it. If it is supposed to be a.comedy then I should be able to figure that out by watching any episode.
    I don’t get Pinterest. Or Klout for that matter.
    But I love reading this blog.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      A lot of people hated Arrested Development. So many that the collective sigh of relief when it was cancelled probably could have lifted a small weather balloon. Probably the Family Guy people and the Arrested Development people will have a Anchorman-style throwdown in a parking lot someday.

      Klout is confusing. I don’t get it, but I randomly give people Klout. Because it seems like a nice thing to do. And they keep giving it to me.

      I love having you here! Thank you!

      Like

  • elaine4queen

    i’m on pinterest though i still think it’s kind of sucky. i prefer tumblr because it is more arty, but that’s just me.
    i am http://pinterest.com/elaine4queen/ on pinterest for what it’s worth. i have a few boards but probably the one i use most is “noms” because i fantasize that one day i will get off my ass and do a recipe.
    i really hate all the weddingy stuff. gak.
    i like fb okay, but i have fine tuned it so i only see people who post interesting stuff. i hide people all the time, then get a massive FRIGHT when they comment on something i have posted, especially when it’s a blog post. i feel all weird and exposed. but it’s better now that i am wordpressing (though i have been on haitus) because i am deliberately writing for ‘everyone’. when my LJ posts used to go through and i would get some comment from a mormon i used to know when my mum was into that stuff when i was a teenager it was mindbending.
    oh dear! i seem to be writing the forever comment. i will stop now.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You can always write a forever comment. I love those.

      I also have trouble with Tumblr, because I feel like I’ve already said everything I need to say on my blog. Also, I have such trouble with the formatting on Tumblr. It seems to conspire against me to make my posts look like garbage, and I’m the worst with HTML.

      I will follow you on Pinterest! Even though I never pin ANYTHING!

      Like

  • Unconfirmed Bachelorette

    I’m with you on all of this, except I don’t know who this Channing Potato guy is. Or Bon Iver. Maybe I need to get off Facebook and expose myself to other forms of pop culture. Oh, and I love Arrested Development. I’m talking LOVE love.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I love Arrested Development, too. I’m so heartbroken that the last season’s going to be on Netflix and I don’t get Netflix. Sigh.

      Don’t get off Facebook on Channing Tatum or Bon Iver’s account. They’re not worth it.

      Like

  • ballybeg

    Channing Tatum? That’s a guys name? He is from the bro school of acting along with chris evans, chris hemsworth, chris pine…He picked the wrong first name. Big slabs of meat. Ryan Gosling is a wannabe bro. All day in the gym to plumb their depths.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Agreed on the Chris’s (and Channing, the wannabe Chris). Ryan Gosling shows promise, now and again, I think. But he’s been working out too much, which worries me. I liked him better when he was skinny emo Gosling. (And I like him best on all the Hey Girl Ryan Gosling Tumblrs.)

      Like

  • mr fengi

    I checked out Pinterest and here was my reaction:

    http://fengi.livejournal.com/1329103.html

    I suspect the problem is it’s determined not to explain itself. At least the users aren’t as disturbing as the crowd over on Ionescomment.

    Like

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