Just when I thought I was out…they pull me back in.

*This is totally a lady-business post. Just a warning. So if you are squeamish about lady-parts and doctors of such, you can come back tomorrow. Also, if you’re a perv, ew. Stop being pervy. I SEE YOU THERE DING DONG JOE.* 

Listen, I am the most abjectly apologetic. I received a sad-face text from my BFF that he missed my blog today and that you were all probably going to riot. I certainly hope you’re not. You could get hurt. I mean, there’s pepper-spray and shit happening, I wouldn’t want to be the cause of that.

So if anyone’s been around for a while, you know I have been having long-standing lady-business shenanigans with Dr. Lady-Business, who wouldn’t let me see my own ultrasound and also laughed because I was dying one time. That was kind of the last straw, because if there’s anything I hate, it’s being laughed at while my pants are off. AM I RIGHT FELLAS? Sorry. Anyway. So I did some investigation and talked to some people and found a NEW lady-business doctor’s office that people were totally jazzed about and called them and they had a super-long wait, but that just means they’re really good, right? Totally.

So they told me to get my old office to send them my medical records two weeks before my appointment. So, like a good girl, I called the old office.

Actual conversation:

Me: I’d like you to send my records over to my new doctor’s office, please.
Scoffy receptionist: We don’t do that.
Me: I’m sorry?
SR: I mean, that’s not just something we DO.
Me: Well, they’re my records, and the new office needs them.
SR: You have to send us a REQUEST.
Me: This phone call’s not a request?
SR: I don’t know you are who you say you are.
Me: Um. OK. So, do I fax this to you, or mail it, or…
SR: Fax is fine. Then we’ll call you and counsel you whether or not leaving our practice if in your best interest. If we come to the conclusion it is, there’s a surcharge, PER PAGE, to get your records sent to the new office.
Me: So in other words, I send you this fax, and you may or may not decide I’m allowed to leave your practice.
SR: Yes. No. Send the fax.
Me: What’s the surcharge?
SR: We’ll discuss that in your consultation.
Me: You can’t just tell me?
SR: That’s not my department.
Me: You have a really small office. You can’t ask someone?
SR: Not without a fax.

So I sent the fax, and then a few days later I got my “consultation call” (listen, I feel like leaving this office is possibly like getting out of the mob, and I was a little scared I’d be kneecapped, like, were they not going to ALLOW me to leave? Were they going to pull me back in? I haven’t seen The Godfather in years, but I remember that shit, and it was NOT PRETTY) and the woman didn’t even counsel me at all. She just told me it was $.25 a page for my records, and that would come to $17.25. So I said fine, I’d pay with my credit card.

Counselor lady: I don’t think you want all of these.
Me: All of these what?
CL: Records.
Me: They’re mine. I do want them.
CL: I don’t think you do.
Me: Well, I don’t know what the new doctor will want, and what he won’t. I’d like all my records to be in one, centralized location. HIS office. The NEW doctor’s office. Since I’m not coming back to YOUR office. Could you just fax them to the number I sent you, please?
CL: But I don’t think you want all of them.

So she said she was faxing them to the new office. THIS IS GOING SWIMMINGLY, I thought. Until a few days ago, when I got them IN MY MAILBOX. Because, apparently, “faxing them to the new office” meant “mailing them to the client.” I called the new office, very apologetic, and they just laughed and said to bring them with me today when I came in for my appointment.

So today was the appointment. I did not have high hopes. Listen, lady-business doctors and I apparently do NOT get along. But he had to be better than Dr. Lady-Business, right?

I walked in, and the office was lovely. Clean and there were fish and the receptionists were very, very nice and joked with me (but not weirdly, like, you know how some receptionists try too hard and it’s totally awkward? They joked WELL. I liked them) and there were adorable children playing on the floor of the waiting room but not in a gross way, like in a way that made me think maybe they were from central casting, they were so adorable and mop-topped and well-behaved. Aw.

Then the nurse brought me back and said, “First you’re going to meet with the doctor in his office for a consultation to discuss your concerns, and to get to know one another, and then you’ll have your exam.” WHAT? This is fancy. Like a fancy meeting! Like I am a CLIENT! I like that.

NEW DOCTOR! Aw, you GUYS! So adorable! Young, and totally happy and friendly and listened to EVERYTHING I SAID and had a good sense of humor.

When I told him the last doctor said that he thought I should probably just have a hysterectomy because I wasn’t using my lady-parts anyway, HE WAS AGHAST. Aghast! I approved of his shock and awe. “We do not give unnecessary hysterectomies to women who aren’t even FORTY yet,” he said, quite taken aback. I LOVE HIM.

He needs a name. He kind of looks like an adorable gay musical actor playing a doctor and also a little like an adorable Muppet. I’m going to call him Doctor Ernie. That’s not his name (ZOMG also? Totally told me to call him by his first name. I WILL THANK YOU) so I think he won’t sue me.

Doctor Ernie then did the LEAST UPSETTING EXAM I’ve ever had, ever (seriously, all the ladies reading need to move here and start going to Doctor Ernie for all your lady needs, because he ROCKS) and he explained everything he was going to do before he did it and laughed and joked and was just the cutest little man ever. I LOVE DOCTOR ERNIE.

Oh, also, he seemed VERY OPTIMISTIC I was about to have all the sex. I like that, Doctor Ernie. I like that, even though I told you I was not currently sexually active, you kept reiterating that “Well, WHEN YOU BECOME sexually active” like it was a FORGONE CONCLUSION. Not IF. WHEN. That is so cheerful! THANK YOU! I’m going to put that on my resume.

Then as I was leaving, he said words that would strike fear into the heart of any woman:

“Have you ever had a mammogram?”

Um. “No? I’m not forty yet?”

“You need one. Here’s a prescription. Next door down from our office is the lab, they can do it there before you leave the building today. So quick and easy!”


Listen, my mom has been WARNING me about these things for YEARS. “They’re going to be SO PAINFUL!” she’ll cackle with glee. “Wait til YOU have to have one of them! You’re going to hurt SO BAD! They just SQUISH YOU ALL UP!” Then I think she fattens children up and bakes them in her oven. Seriously, she’s been the Stephen King of mammogram stories since I was about sixteen.

But Doctor Ernie! So adorable! How could I tell him no? And the appointment wasn’t as long as I’d planned, and the office was RIGHT THERE!

So I went.

And here is a story.


Everyone at THAT office was just the nicest, too, and IT DIDN’T EVEN HURT. Now, please explain to me why my mother has been filling my head with lies for the past twenty years? Or maybe her techs are doing it wrong? Because was it briefly uncomfortable? Sure. Sure it was. But was it PAINFUL? No. Listen, I deal with cramps that could fell a mastodon on a regular basis, I know pain, mofos. This was NOTHING. This was A SLIGHT PINCH.

The lovely tech, when I asked her, after the first scan, “Um…do they get worse? Because that didn’t hurt at all?” laughed and said, “Thank you! No, they don’t get worse. Please tell all the women you know they don’t hurt at all, because that’s a big factor keeping women away from getting mammograms, and mammograms can save their lives.”

I didn’t tell her that I totally blab all my personal info all over the interwebs on a daily basis so I would tell LIT-rally (I seriously can’t say literally without invoking Chris from Parks and Rec, I’ve tried, it’s not possible) hundreds of people today.


If someone tells you a mammogram hurts, they are either lying to get attention, or their tech did it wrong.

Also, mammograms are life-savey, and I was seriously in and out of the office in fifteen minutes. It was that quick and painless. The most uncomfortable part was having a stranger stick your nether regions into a machine, but eh, whatever, it’s done in a few minutes, and it didn’t seem to be bothering her, so I didn’t let it bother me. I’m sure she’s seen a gajillion boobs, many much nicer than mine.

Go get your mammograms, ladies. Doctor Ernie, who’s totally trustworthy and adorable like a cocker spaniel puppy, tells me that he recommends women start as early as age 35.

OK. So, in conclusion: SUCK IT DOCTOR LADY-BUSINESS. Oh, when I was looking for their fax number online to send my letter so I could get my top-secret records from them, I found reviews of Dr. Lady-Business’s practice online, and they were so, so bad. People HATE that office. “Meat market” was used. “Unprofessional” was used. “I think this place is run by the mafia and why does Dr. Lady-Business have a saloon-style handlebar moustache” was used. (Fine, I wrote that last one.)

Also, Doctor Ernie! I adore you. Anyone who can make totally cute jokes to put me at ease while spelunking around my personal bits gets ALL THE PLUS ONES. If you live near me and want his real name, please let me know, I would be HAPPY to tell you.

Also, he assures me I’m not dying. That’s good news, right? I WILL LIVE TO ANNOY YOU ALL FOR A VERY LONG TIME. Yippee!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

33 responses to “Just when I thought I was out…they pull me back in.

  • lahikmajoe

    I just got off the phone with Ding Dong Joe, and he wanted me to inform you that he does manual mammograms in his spare time.

    You want his contact details, right? Actually, it’s just a pager number he gave me. Ding Dong Joe is classy like that.


    • lucysfootball

      How am I not surprised that Ding Dong Joe has a pager? I bet he also has a pager clip so he can attach it to his belt.

      How did you end up talking to Ding Dong Joe on the phone? Did you give him your number? That was a bad move. He’s never going to stop calling you now. He’s very lonely.


  • BFF

    Yay! My day is never the same when I don’t get to read about your adventures. And it is even better when I get a mention. :)


    • lucysfootball

      You guys YOU GUYS! This is my actual real-life BFF! He actually commented! SAY HI, EVERYONE! He is one of my most favorite humans in all the land!

      Aw, I should mention you EVERY SINGLE DAY! :)


    • lucysfootball

      All I could see was one angelfish, but I think there must have been more. It was a really big tank. (I love that in that whole post, you wanted to know what kind of fish. That made me smile.)


  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    Hmm, so few comments. Due to the tardiness of the post, or the squeamishness of your readers who were all scared off by the warning? So, I’m commentingjust so you don’t feel unappreciated. :-)


  • Cassie

    They should put you in gynecology commercials. To study it, do it, live it, go to the clinic or the office. Anything. Witty as hell, lady and informative.

    Now we just need a list of all the awesome names, words and phrases associated with lady parts.


    • lucysfootball

      Aw, thanks! I would totally do a commercial for Dr. Ernie’s office, or the imaging office. I would NOT do a commercial for Dr. Lady-Business’s office. Well, I would, but it would be one of those late-night commercials where they’re advertising lawyers and they have those weird, stiff, “actual clients” saying things like “I fell down in the STORE and BOB’S LAW FIRM got me a FAT CHECK. THANK YOU BOB.” Only I’d be saying “Dr. Lady-Business laughed at my concerns while waxing his nefarious 1800s-era moustache and sneering. NO THANK YOU DR. LADY-BUSINESS.”


  • elaine4queen

    hmm. i’ve neve had a mammogram and am 49. what i have had is a LOT of smears – some humane and perfectly reasonable, some painful as hell. i have heard tell of the horridness of mammograms, so i am assuming now that it depends if you go to an old timey hater mammogrammer or a newfangled hardly hurt at all one. good to know they exist – for if i EVER get one.

    after horrible smears, and because i get crampy with the fibromyalgia i wasn’t sure i was going to be able to handle having the merina coil put in, but the nurse was a specialist one and very gentle, and it’s been a good thing for me. i don’t know the specifics of your gyne problems, but i mainly had it because it’s good for chronic migraineurs, but they are also giving it to people where they would have done hysterectomies before, so it seems to be the shiniest new toy in the box. i think period migraines might be particularly bad for me because i also have endo (lucky me) but whatever – this coil reduces periods a lot. i had a proper one recently, and went through hormonal migraines, but it seems to be unusual. anyway, i recommend it. (for when you start having all the sex again).


    • lucysfootball

      That’s actually what Dr. Ernie recommended – Mirena – and I think I’ll be going forward with it in the next month or so. I’m glad you have good experiences with it. I have a little fear, but he seems to know what he’s talking about, and if it fixes me and I can stop taking the pills that are making me a crazy person? I’m all for it. Plus, all the sex that’s forthcoming, of course.


      • Anonymous

        I had a Mirena IUD; in about 4 months it took away my sex drive – totally. I could not have cared less about sex. IT HAD TO GO!!! I hope your experience is different; I hear I’m rare.


        • lucysfootball

          Yikes! That will certainly put a damper on me having all the hypothetical sex. (And is exactly the side effect that every single antidepressant I’ve ever been on in my life had for me, no joke, so obviously, I’d rather be depressed.) Thank you for letting me know, and I’ll ask my doctor about that!


  • blogginglily

    DID you plus 1 Dr. Ernie on his Google + page?

    Also. . . do your self exams regularly, please. Mammograms are important and are AWESOME in the event that they catch cancer early. . . but they don’t work as well for some women, and something that you can actually feel can easily get missed by them. So do your self exams.

    Also, also. . . the Dr’s office transferring experience is one I’ve shared. We didn’t like Lily’s first ophthalmologist’s “bed side manner”. . . so we had to do that. I filled out the fax and sent it to them, but then I had the other doctor’s office correspond with the first to indicate what records they did or didn’t need. The fax is just your written authorization to share records. Once the other office is authorized they’re better equipped to explain what they want and what they don’t. It’s annoying. So i farmed it out to the new doc.


  • Omnibus

    Maybe they made significant advances in the technology since your mom had it done? Also, fish… at an OBGYN… Kchhnort! :)


    • lucysfootball

      I asked her last night and she swears hers are totally pinchy. So I guess her tech just sucks at it.

      All my doctor’s offices seem to have fishtanks. I think because they’re soothing?


  • debbieslater

    Frankly, I would have kicked Dr L-B so hard that he would have had to hobble off to see Dr Gentleman-Problems…


  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Thumbs up on the mammograms. We womenfolk have been having lots of the cancer in the family recently so I have been reliably doing that, but I second (or third) the self-checks too!

    Now listen. I totally want you to be healthy and happy, but if alternate methods of hormonal management are going to make you LESS crazy, I don’t know how I feel about that. I enjoy your crazy. Perhaps if you promise to keep the functional and “entertaining” crazy, while jettisoning the dysfunctional and “hiding in a box” crazy (or however yours manifests) that would be reassuring.

    Last thing. A friend of mine on facebook was ranting about access to birth control being important for medical reasons other than birth control; sort of a “Right on, Planned Parenthood, boo Republicans,” message. I was all supportive of his intent, but he said, get this: “Birth control does much more than control birth. As most are hormonal based, they help many women deal with the oddities of their biological make up.” Well! I took exception! I explained that endometriosis, et al, are medical conditions, not oddities, and that if he wants to think about oddities of biological makeup he should consider how weird it is that human males’ fragile reproductive organs are just dangling out begging to be damaged when most species have some sort of retraction system. That seems maladaptive. Or am I wrong? Andreas should blog on this.


    • Andreas Heinakroon

      As it happens, most land mammals have external testes. It’s long been assumed this has to do with retaining a lower temperature that would be optimal for sperm production, but recent studies suggest this might not be the case. If we compare with birds (who have an even higher body temperature than mammals), they all have internal testes but seem to have no problems with producing sperm.

      Instead, there seem to be a correlation between physically active mammals and external testes – i.e. animals that jump, run and gallop tend to have their testes on the outside whilst less active animals keep them on the inside. This has given rise to the theory that mammals keep external testes to protect them from being squashed from within by their own intestines.

      As far as I know, no mammals have a retraction system for their testes, although a few can partly draw in their penis into their bodies. However, all mammals seem to be able to adjust the tension of the scrotum to keep the testes closer or further away from their body to adjust their temperature. (This is probably the origin of the theory that external testes have evolved to reduce the temperature.)


      • lynnettedobberpuhl

        Thank you Andreas! I probably should have left the dangly bits out of my conversation with my facebook friend, but I went with the impulse. Still, I think my point about oddity is valid; a port wine birthmark in the shape of Maryland might be considered an oddity, but a common and problematic medical condition is not. I should have done my own research though! It was gracious of you to speak on the topic.


        • lucysfootball

          Isn’t he the best? I’m very pleased with my choice of Andreas as my first expert in my panel of experts with which I will take over the internet.


        • Andreas Heinakroon

          No no, NEVER leave dangly bits out of your conversation – a discussion can only be enhanced and improved upon by including dangly bits, surely?

          (And to be honest: all my ramblings above consists of nothing more than theories; we still don’t really know why most mammals have those dangly bits.)


      • lucysfootball

        Andreas, have I mentioned how much I love you today? Because I totally do.

        You’re the first person in my internet army of experts, by the way. I know, it’s kind of rude. I didn’t ask. There’s no pay. Just bragging rights. It’s totally an honor.


    • lucysfootball

      Hee, thanks! And don’t worry, I think I’ll always be crazy. According to my parents, I’ve been this way pretty much since I learned to talk, and that was pre-hormonal issues, so I think no matter what happens, I’ll still be a looney.

      And YES, dysfunctional and hiding-in-a-box crazy perfectly describes it! However, that’s not the hormonal crazy this’ll fix. For that, I think we need to crack out the hard drugs that I refuse to take. I’ll stay crazy. I don’t like me on hard drugs.

      I absolutely love, love, LOVE that Andreas is the go-to science guy on my blog. I need a reference person for all the things that people have questions about. So, let’s see. I need: a math person, a tech/computer person, a sports person, a popular culture person (like REAL popular culture; for example, there was a commercial with someone famous on TV tonight and I had no idea who it was – I want to say Andre 3000 or something? Whose name is Andre 3000? Why does he have a name like a computer model? What does he do? Is he a singer or something? See, we totally need a popular culture person, I don’t know anything but theater and geek culture), a politics person, and a finance person. I can cover the random crap like relationships and funny. ZOMG can you even imagine if I had all these people? I would have an internet EMPIRE. This is FANTASTIC. I’m going to start taking applications right away!

      And yes, “oddities” is a bad word choice. That makes it sound like we’re circus freaks. “Come see the oddities, ladies and gentlemen! In this tent, we have PCOS Lady! In this tent, Madame Endometriosis!” I applaud the sentiment – too many people don’t understand that birth control can be used for reasons than all the sex – but oddities? Bad, bad choice in phrasing.


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