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Oh golly! Gee, damn! (Or, how to watch a movie with Twitter and vodka)

So last night was Sarcastic Movie Night. Which you know, if you follow me on Twitter. You probably wanted to kick me in the head last night, actually, if you follow me on Twitter. SORRY. Sarcastic Movie Night! Only fun for people participating!

Here’s the genesis of Sarcastic Movie Night. I tweeted a while ago about whipped cream vodka, which I’d had in a mixed drink out one night with my friend C. The drink tasted like an alcoholic Dreamsicle, and was amazing. If I remember correctly, the food was not so amazing, but who cares! Alcoholic Dreamsicle! @lgalaviz and I started talking about whipped cream vodka, and she came up with the idea of how much fun it would be to watch a movie and make fun of it while drinking whipped cream vodka. WELL. I am never one to back down from a challenge. Well, no, that’s a lie, if the challenge is something like “I challenge you to climb a rope ladder” or something, I’ll back down. Effing moving-all-over scary rope ladders.

Choosing a movie was not easy. When choosing a movie for Sarcastic Movie Night, you have to choose a movie that everyone can make fun of, that no one has extremely strong positive feelings about, and that is readily available to everyone. This is only really a problem for me, since I am the only human left alive without Netflix. (SIGH, FINE, I will explain my aversion to Netflix. I don’t have any gaming systems and my computer’s a piece of shit and I can’t afford one of the boxes you need for your TV, therefore the streaming option is out for me. And I don’t have enough time to watch all the series and movies, and the one time I signed up for the free trial, movies sat unwatched for weeks watching me with their accusing DVD-eyes and I felt HORRIBLE. So I didn’t pay for it when the end of my free trial happened and it POOF went AWAY. Also, if you’re totally patient – and I am – you can get anything you want, pretty much, free from the library. And LISTEN. I love free, more than I love penguins.)

So we discussed and discussed, and @lgalaviz said she thought Breakfast at Tiffany’s would be a good idea. Now, I blogged about this before, but I HATE Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I know! Everyone loves this movie. It’s like on everyone’s short list as the best thing since kitten unicorn rainbows or whatever. But all I remembered is that Audrey Hepburn threw her cat (that she refused to name, argh) into the rain, and that Mickey Rooney played an Asian stereotype.

So @lgalaviz won out (mostly because she promised I could make fun of it) and we chose Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Now, at this point, we had talked about it on Twitter, and both had blogged about it, so TWO OTHER PEOPLE were interested. I KNOW. We’re totally inspirational. I mean, that’s like double the people we’d started with. Since everyone else has Netflix they just added it to their queues, but I had to either get it from the library (and you only get them for five days, and who knows when we were going to be able to match schedules to watch it?) or I could go online to buy it. And since I was pre-ordering the Bloggess’s book anyway, (by the way? Get your asses over there and pre-order this book and let’s get Jenny’s pre-orders up to like astronomical numbers, because I love her just about as much as any of my imaginary internet people and she deserves all the good things, and also, it’s going to be HILARIOUS) and needed to fill up my cart to meet the free shipping total (yeah, I hate paying for Amazon shipping, as mentioned, I LOVE FREE SHIT) I found it for $9 and purchased it. A MOVIE THAT I HATE. I’m totally committed to Sarcastic Movie Night.

Then I had to buy the whipped cream vodka. At the store, there were many choices. One of which was Swedish Fish-flavored vodka. I am not kidding. It was scary. I believe this might have confused @heinakroon who thought it was actually fish-flavored. However, like a mighty hunter, I stalked and murdered my prey. Or, found it on the shelf and brought it home. LIKE A BOSS.

FANCY.

Then we had to wait for Amazon to get their shit together and ship it to me, which took forever and a day because I foolishly ordered it with my pre-ordered book, and they were GOING to wait to ship it all together – IN APRIL – but then I went nuts and ordered three more books (by the way, who has too many books? That’d be me, thanks. But they were on SALE!) and then Amazon was all “FINE WE WILL SHIP ALL YOUR SHIT TOGETHER because you are AN OBSESSIVE SHOPPER DAMN” and I got it yesterday.

I'm already Siskel and Eberting this movie, before we even had movie night.

Then we set a time. 8pm! Saturday night! I work until 6 on Saturdays, so that worked out FINE. They wanted me to work late but I was all NO WAY SUCKERS. Sarcastic MOVIE Night. And they were all, whatever, Amy, I think you’re making shit up right now, and I was all NO I AM NOT.

So first I made a nice glass of whipped cream vodka. What did I mix it with? NOTHING. Why? I DIDN’T PLAN THAT FAR AHEAD. I know. I suck. See, all I had for mixers were fruit punch and cherry limeade? Those would be HORRIBLE with whipped-cream vodka. Right? Totally.

Um…whipped cream vodka…tasted like burning. Like barely whipped-cream flavored burning. This wasn’t going well at all.

BUT I SOLDIERED ON.

So! For our crew, we had @lgalaviz, @patrixmyth, @julierosesmk, and myself, and then @zippy219 (who didn’t have Breakfast at Tiffany’s but was watching Carrie and snarking at it WITH us, so she was participating IN SPIRIT, because she is AWESOME.) Then we had @lahikmajoe, who lives in Germany, and who was asleep. But we included him in EVERY SINGLE TWEET. Why did we do this? I have no idea. I don’t think he ever showed any interest in being involved in Sarcastic Movie Night. I think someone just started including him and he got swept away in the tide of tweets. So poor @lahikmajoe is waking up tomorrow to probably 200 or so tweets. SORRY, @lahikmajoe. WE MISS YOU WHEN YOU ARE SLEEPING.

(SIDE NOTE! @patrixmyth ALSO lives in Germany. However, he participated. I think this is because he is made of magic. Seriously, the man never seems to sleep. I’m in awe of him.)

Now, here was the first problem. Well, other than the fact that my father, who you KNOW thinks everyone online is a., imaginary, and b., a psychokiller, thought the whole plan was a trick to get me murdered. No, I’m not kidding. He said that the next thing my “imaginary friends” were going to ask me to do was to drink “Jim Jones Koolaid” and he hoped I didn’t do that. I told him I already had Koolaid in the cupboard so I was ready in case that plan was put into place and he didn’t think that was funny at ALL. So first I had to calm him down by explaining that watching a movie with people on Twitter while drinking whipped cream vodka was not, in fact, very dangerous, and it was more dangerous, probably, to go to a bar and pick up a stranger and have unprotected sex with them in a bathroom stall, and then he was all “WERE YOU PLANNING ON DOING THAT, TOO?” and I had to explain that no, I was NOT, actually, planning on doing that, it was just a COMPARISON, to show him that I could be doing things that were a lot scarier. This took a lot longer than I’d planned and almost caused me to miss Sarcastic Movie Night.

Back to the problem. Have you ever tried to coordinate four people starting a movie at the exact same time when you’re all in different places and times? It is not an easy thing to do. We were, on average, five minutes difference from each other all night. So one of us would be all “whoa, look at that hat” and the other one would be all “why is that person crying into a mirror” and no one was on the same scene in the movie, ever. I can’t imagine that any of us would be very good spies. You know how spies always have to synchronize their watches? We would not be good at that.

Also, it is VERY HARD to tweet and watch a movie at the same time. I think I missed important things. Like, at one point, everyone but me noticed that one person at a party was wearing a watch on her ankle. I didn’t notice this important plot point. I’m sure I was busy tweeting. The movie probably would have taken a very different turn for me if I had noticed an ankle-watch. Also, @patrixmyth noticed that at the end, Paul paid the cab driver, and I thought they just ran out of the cab without paying. It’s hard to pay attention to both a phone and a television at the same time.

Anyway. Sarcastic Movie Night was a grand success. Much hilarity was had; I would put tweets in here to show you how awesome it all was, but again, Twitter hates me and won’t allow me to put tweets into my posts yet, so you’ll just have to imagine how awesome it was. Because it WAS.

But here is what I learned, during Sarcastic Movie Night. YES, I learned something. I KNOW. It was like a Very Special Episode of Blossom, what with the learning.

Are you ready?

Breakfast at Tiffany’s isn’t as bad of a movie as I’d thought, the first time I watched it.

I KNOW.

Are there horrible things? YES.

Mickey Rooney’s racist landlord character is still the worst thing ever.

It's worse than this. He also used an offensive accent, and ran into things with his head.

“Moon River” is a very annoying song. “My huckleberry friend?” Give me a break. If someone called me their huckleberry friend, I’d poke them in the eye. Except for Doc Holliday in Tombstone. As previously stated, he can call me his huckleberry ANYTIME.

Holly Golightly’s character is flighty and doesn’t care much for others for most of the movie, and this is annoying. Characters who are so devil-may-care make me stabby. There are no CONSEQUENCES! Nothing matters but ME! Aren’t I CUTE! Look at my adorable WHIMS! Gag.

This is really a movie about two whores who fall in love, and I’ll fight you if you say otherwise. They might not be streetwalkers, but Paul and Holly are whores. They sleep with people in exchange for money. That’s whores.

“Sally Tomato” is a very stupid name for a gangster.

The scene where they pilfered from the five & dime was annoying, because I hate thievery. But then they wore these masks, which reminded me of that scene from The Shining that gives me nightmares, and THANKS A LOT BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S.

There is nothing cute about these masks. These are Manson-family-style masks.

Refusing to name a cat because you have issues with owning things because YOU are a wild thing that REFUSES TO BE TAMED and then throwing your cat into the rain isn’t cute, it’s animal abuse. You suck. Along the same lines, refusing to call someone by his given name, and calling him “Fred” throughout the movie, is not cute, it’s affected and annoying.

Paul telling Holly, “I love you! You belong to me!” was just about the worst admission of love, ever. I’m with her when she freaks out over this. Telling someone this is a lot like saying “I love you! I want to wear your skin like a cape!”

Their relationship is not doomed to end well. Neither of them has any money; she has very high-price tastes, and he seemed to have $50 to his name and be not-a-very-successful writer. I mean, love’s grand, but it doesn’t put tater tots in your belly at the end of the day.

HOWEVER.

The movie was gorgeous. Not just the costumes, or the actors (although they were) but the set design and dressing as well. And the city, of course. I love New York, and I can see how this movie made people want to visit it. New York is a character in this movie, for sure, and you fall in love with it (more than Hepburn or Peppard, actually – about as much as Cat – because it is blameless in the “I’m so CUTE!”-ness of the two of them.)

Audrey Hepburn was really, for a completely annoying character, just stunning. I mean, those costumes! And she’s just exquisitely beautiful. Look at her. I mean, just look. How can anyone, even me with my heart of stone, not be charmed by this?

I usually hate hats, but DAMN can she pull them off.

There aren’t a lot of photos where she doesn’t have that dumb cigarette holder that’s a mile and a half long that she kept setting shit on fire with and I refused to put a photo of her up here with that thing. Also, I like this hat.

Also, George Peppard. Can this guy ever wear a suit. Whoo!

Yes, I'm aware this scene wasn't in the movie. LOOK HOW HANDSOME. I couldn't resist.

If you only know Peppard from The A-Team, well, listen, he used to be Mad-Men handsome, I’m telling you right now. *swoon*

@lgalaviz was in love with the cars in the movie. I promised her I would make her a remixed version of the movie with only cars and card catalogs and dial phones and such. I don’t know how to do this, so it was an empty promise. The idea is sound, though. At one point, there was a red cab with fins. It made us happy. (Also, when they went to the library, there were card catalogs, which made me drool.)

For all the annoying pre-hipster hipsterism, there was some genuine emotion happening in the movie. I know. I even noticed it being all drunk on whipped cream vodka and making fun of it on Twitter.

I’m not sure what happened. I HATED this movie the first time around. This time, I actually didn’t mind it. I hated the things I listed above, but the beauty of the movie itself kind of won me over. Am I mellowing with age? Was it the vodka? Am I broken now? Was I broken the first time I watched it?

ANYWAY. Sarcastic Movie Night! A success!

Also, the whipped cream vodka progressively got less offensive. I mean, it never got GOOD. But I think it burned off the first layer of my tastebuds so it got less horrible to taste as the night progressed. I can’t say I went back for a second helping, though. (Oh, and by the way, who was the classy broad drinking it out of a commemorative theater coffee mug given to her by the cast of a show she’d worked on recently? That’d be ME. Yeah, I have no glasses appropriate for liquor-drinking. I thought it might eat through a plastic Tupperware tumbler. I KNOW, I AM THE CLASSIEST.)

This morning, @lahikmajoe wasn’t even mad he woke up to about 200 tweets (just another sign that he is my secret sibling) and I had the headache from hell for the first couple hours of being awake, THANK YOU WHIPPED CREAM VODKA. I’m sticking to magic wine from now on. Ugh.

We’ve chosen the next movie for Sarcastic Movie Night! Are you ready? I know you’ll want to join in, because it is sure to be MISS KITTY FANTASTICO. Ready?

Dun dun DUNNNN.

I haven’t seen this movie since 1996, and that was the first time (and only time) I saw it, and I was forced to watch it (along with the other two movies in the original trilogy) all in a row by the boy I was in love with at the time and I was SO TIRED and he kept saying “Come on, this is BRILLIANT” and I was all “I AM SO TIRED WHATEVER” and so I have this weird irrational hatred of all things Star Wars. But I have been assured I’m allowed to make fun of it if I want. Also, I suppose, if nothing else, I can drool over young Harrison Ford, right? RIGHT.

So this is how you watch a movie with Twitter and vodka and snarking. Aren’t you glad you know how? I know you are. You, too, can do this same thing with YOUR friends! Only, I’d avoid the whipped cream vodka. It seems like a good idea, until you’re actually drinking it. Trust me on this. I made that mistake so you don’t have to.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

25 responses to “Oh golly! Gee, damn! (Or, how to watch a movie with Twitter and vodka)

  • Kristy Shriner Salisbury

    I have been finding myself agreeing with you a lot lately and I like that:) I watched Breakfast with Tiffany’s for the first time a few months ago and I didn’t get the appeal at all. I will give you the fashion and cinematography, but Holly was a ssssslut. (Yes, I had to draw it out) I hated the way she treated the cat and I didn’t understand why Paul would even be interested in her. Don’t even get me started on Mickey Rooney.
    However, I absolutely love “Moon River” and I can’t help it. It happens to be one of my favorite songs. I think it’s because I heard the song before I watched the movie, because if it had been the other way around, I would probably not like it.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yay! I ALSO like that. I think the world would be such a nicer place, if everyone were to agree with me more! :)

      I don’t know why it’s such a beloved movie, honestly. I mean, it’s gorgeous, and Hepburn and Peppard are pretty people, but it’s got a lot of bad going for it. There are such better movies from that era!

      I’ll let you have “Moon River.” No, seriously, you can have it. “Huckleberry friend!” I couldn’t even deal with it once I heard that lyric!

      Like

  • jbrown3079

    I “watched” along with the group on Twitter. I used the same method during the 500 debate nights. I highly recommend this approach. It is much more entertaining and it frees up my tv for Storage Wars.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      What is this Storage Wars? Someone at the theater today was talking about it. That’s funny, because before today, I’d never heard mention of it at all. Are they warring over storage space? Confusing.

      I do that with debates, too. I’ll start watching once they’re actual debates, with the two candidates, but right now, I can’t stomach them (especially because it doesn’t have anything to do with me – I’m not voting for any of those argumentative yahoos.)

      Like

  • elaine4queen

    i was totally jealous about sarcastic movie night, but despite my rubbish conception of time differences i had a pretty strong hunch i would be asleep, hence my lack of begging to be in on it.

    i saw it recently enough not to want to see it again, though. not so with star wars, however. and did you know that there are bbc tv and radio shows both called ‘i’ve never seen star wars’ which was inspired by whoever it was that filmed their girlfriend explaining star wars even though she hadn’t seen it. in the show, various uk slebs have to try things they have never tried before and report on how it was for them. this often involves foodstuffs, but is quite wide ranging and rather depends on the personality involved as to whether it is actually funny. they choose funny people, so that helps. i prefer the radio version, but then, i would.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      That sounds like fun. I think I have to do one of those someday called “I’ve never seen (or read) any of the Lord of the Rings movies or books.” Because I haven’t. I KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

      We’ll try to plan one of our movie days so those of you on the other side of the world can join in. I’d like that!

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    You didn’t confuse me with the Swedish fish vodka, I was pretty convinced it was candy flavoured (although I’m not sure there isn’t a herring flavoured one, as well).

    I’d love to mock Star Wars with you, but you’re gonna watch it at night, aren’t you? Which means like 2 am over here at zone 0. Also: the only liquor I got home is Cointreau.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, good, I’m glad you didn’t think we had a fish-flavored vodka. Because we don’t. SOMEWHERE there might be such an abomination, but not here, that I know of. Well, at least not in my liquor store.

      What’s Cointreau taste like? @lgalaviz and I have decided no more hard liquor on Sarcastic Movie Night. Only wine. Maybe Crystal Light for me.

      We might have to do a daytime Sarcastic Movie Night (making it Sarcastic Movie Morning, I suppose) for your Europeans one of these days, I think. I’d like if you and @lahikmajoe (ooh, and @elaine4queen, so British friends, too!) could join us!

      Like

  • thepunchdrunkplaywright

    I’m pretty sure Truman Capote felt very much like you about this adaptation of his story. Holly is a whore and George Pappard is gay. Make a love story out of that. I’d love it if you found the original source material, and compared the two. Oh, did you know there was also an ill-fated musical adapted from the story? True!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Paul was gay in the story? Really? Do they end up together at the end? I might have to track that down. I do like Capote.

      I can see it being a musical. It’s got all the components. But by your “ill-fated,” I guess it didn’t do well?

      Like

      • thepunchdrunkplaywright

        Wikipedia:
        “The musical had a book by illustrious playwright Edward Albee and a score composed by the equally notable Bob Merrill. The cast, directed by Joseph Anthony, included Mary Tyler Moore, Richard Chamberlain, Sally Kellerman, Larry Kert, and Priscilla Lopez. It was designed by Oliver Smith, choreographed by Michael Kidd with assistance from Tony Mordente, and produced by David Merrick.
        Despite the impressive list of collaborators involved in the production, the project never gelled. It underwent constant and massive changes in its script and score during out-of-town tryouts. The original book by Abe Burrows was scrapped completely and Edward Albee, an unlikely choice, was hired to re-write. Burrows was also the director but left when Albee was brought in.[2] On a daily basis, the cast was given new material hours before curtain time. Burrows’ departure put a damper on the proceedings, resulting in low morale among cast members, and Moore was convinced Merrick planned to fire her soon after opening night.
        It was not uncommon for the show to run nearly four hours.”[3]

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          “It was not uncommon for the show to run nearly four hours.”

          Best thing I’ve read online all day.

          Can you even imagine? It would be the worst “let’s put on a show!” ever. Cast members unprepared, lines unmemorized, everyone totally cranky…

          Like

  • lgalaviz

    Why do you have such smart witty people writing all their comments in here. Now I will either have to formulate a well-thought, clever response, or risk looking stupid. Let’s go with choice B.

    Star Wars… is that the one where Princess Lea wants likes her brother for a while? Personally, I would have picked Harrison Ford from the outset, but go figure.

    Count me in. Whatever time of day is fine with me. Getting up early to grab a bottle of wine and watch Star Wars isn’t too far outside the realm of my normal behavior. I don’t even think I will have to explain myself.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I know, they’re smarter and wittier than I am. It’s unnerving.

      YES. Also, I always hated Luke. He’s whiny. Nothing I hate more than a whiny man. Harrison Ford is one of the most handsome men around, and he plays (I think?) like a bad-boy rebel or something. Who WOULDN’T have chosen him from the beginning? Probably her big old side-buns were interfering with her thought processes.

      We will have to set a time. Also, I have to buy Star Wars, so we’ll have to wait for it to be delivered again. I’ll start shopping today!

      Like

      • lgalaviz

        This is going to be goood. I can tell already.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I’m sure it will. I’m going to make a lot of fun of Luke. Also, I think C3P0 is gay. Why doesn’t anyone ever mention this? I think this bears mentioning. It’s actually very progressive. He’s a gay robot from the future! Wait, is this movie set in the future? I assume it is. Because it’s in the STARS. Right?

          Like

  • lgalaviz

    I am hugely relieved to see the decision resting at Star Wars. Based on my Twitter timeline, I was afraid we would end up watching low budget Scandinavian zombie porn.

    Like

  • MsDarkstar

    Once again, all the cool kids on the Internetz got together and I totally missed it and I’ve never even SEEN Breakfast at Tiffany’s… but I’ve seen Star Wars and might actually have a VHS copy of that bad boy around somewhere which does me no good whatsoever because I don’t have a TV or a VHS player.

    I think Cointreau and Whipped Cream Vodka would likely go swimmingly together, because I think Cointreau is orangish and so then you’d have your Dreamsicle thing going on for sure.

    So, I am sure my stupid Star Wars VHS and I won’t be invited to the NEXT Internetz Cool Kids party either but I hope I at least get some credit for having pre-ordered TheBloggess’s book WEEKS ago and I will freely admit that her latest red dress photoshoot made me weep in the best possible way.

    And your dad and @lgalaviz need to get over their fear of Internet People because I am sure they interact with Internet People EVERY DAY and haven’t been killed yet. And don’t let the heads in my freezer try to tell you any different.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t know if there are really cool kids on the internet. Do you think there are? If so, I’m quite sure I’m not one of them. Just ask the bullies from high school, they’ll tell you, at length: I’m deeply, deeply uncool.

      And you are totally invited! EVERYONE is invited!

      Yay for ordering The Bloggess’s book! I am so excited about April! End of tax season, I go on vacation, her book, and Game of Thrones, Season 2 starts! Yippee! (I KNOW, wasn’t her most recent red dress photo gallery amazing?)

      I just watched some show about serial killers where the killer was keeping heads in his fridge. So deeply disturbing. But also kind of funny? Because he WAVED at them when he went in to get a Subway sandwich. Like, “hi, ladies, just want to get my turkey club, don’t mind lil ol’ ME!” So, yeah, I’m totally warped, I laughed.

      Like

    • lgalaviz

      Just to keep you in the loop… the next movie may or may not be Star Wars, based on library availability. Also, we have no idea about the date or time. Now you know all about it. You can thank me later.

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        I sent you a list of mockable movies I own on Twitter! So far, we have one vote for The Blair Witch Project, which I am happy to mock. I just can’t watch it alone because it makes me have the shivers.

        Like

  • CMTomaso

    When I saw your tweets I didn’t realize your watching of the movie was such an event!

    You forgot the most terrible thing about this movie: a little one hit wonder called Deep Blue Something. Oh god that song is the worst. Ok, maybe not as bad as Asian Mickey Rooney but a close second.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I mentioned that horrible song in that earlier blog post I referenced where I first mentioned how much I hate “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” Such a bad song. That’s the one thing they got? The ONE thing? Probably break up, then, if that’s the only thing you have, seriously. That’s not a lot to hinge a whole relationship on, guy.

      I KNOW! It was totally an event! You should join us for Star Wars!

      Like

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