Upside: less likely to break your heart. Downside: so many papercuts, damn.

It’s come up a lot over the past few days who your top literary boyfriends are. First, Mandy blogged about it, and she and I have some similarities, because we are both awesome, of course. Then @nikkisticks and @thebooksluts both mentioned it on Twitter, and I’d link you to their tweets about it, but I STILL don’t have new Twitter (seriously, Twitter, I’m starting to feel like the last wallflower at the dance, here, what the hell? PICK ME DAMMIT I WORE MY PRETTIEST DRESS AND I’M TOTALLY SLUTTY) so they wouldn’t look right copy/pasted in. So I thought, you know what everyone loves? Literary boyfriends. They are HOT right now. They are the HOT THING.

Then Susie and I were talking about how we feel bad having literary crushes on characters who are in happy relationships. I’m in agreement with this. This is why when I go into a happy reverie about my literary boyfriends, I kill off their significant others. NICELY. I mean, I don’t have them PSYCHOKILLED or anything. Sheesh. Something nice. Like a nice cancer! Or whatever. Then they are free to be MY literary boyfriend, and we’re all happy. Well, probably the dead wife or girlfriend isn’t happy, but they’re dead, so their happiness is really inconsequential, now, isn’t it?

So, without further ado: my list of literary boyfriends. I looked online and a couple of these are, like, NO ONE’S literary boyfriends. So that means I get them all to myself, right? Right. Or it might mean I’m broken. Hard to say.

This is in reverse order. I’m saving the best for last. As you do.

Heathcliff – Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

I know he's bad for me. But look at him. How can you resist that?

I’m allowed one abusive, emo boyfriend, right? Right.

Listen, I’ve had a crush on psychopath Heathcliff since I was 13. I can’t leave him off. Even though I KNOW he’s bad news. So dark! So broody! So single-minded in his love for Catherine! So proud! So…um, yeah, kind of an abusive ass. I get that. I do. BUT HE LOVED HER SO MUCH YOU GUYS.

I know. I’m not overly proud of this one. All I can say is, I met Heathcliff at a very impressionable age when I thought “dark and twisty” equaled “good boyfriend material” and it’s warped me forevermore. Let’s just move on, shall we?

Steve Finn – Lost Souls by Poppy Z. Brite

They never made a movie. I know. It's one of my great regrets of the '90s. Here's the book cover.

Steve Finn is real in a book full of unreality. He’s messed up and he’s a little broken and he tries really, really hard to do the right thing, and he fails, sometimes, but he’s honest, and he’s proud, and he’s loyal to a fault. I’ve read this book more than a dozen times since I bought it before a long bus trip, spur of the moment, and every time, it’s like coming home to Steve. I want things to go well for him, just once. I want him to get the girl, to live a nice, if somewhat unremarkable life in the South, singing in bars, coming home to Ann. If he can’t have that, well, I’ll take him in. Hell, I like musicians.

Inigo Montoya – The Princess Bride by William Golding

I do like a saucy Spaniard who's good with his...sword. WHAT. What did you think I was going to say? You have a dirty mind.

I like how single-minded in his revenge plot Inigo is. I like how driven and loyal he is. I like how scrappy and serious he is. I like how courtly and regal he is. And, YES, it doesn’t hurt at ALL that he’s played by Mandy Patinkin in the movie. But he’s my BOOK boyfriend. And if you haven’t read the book, do yourself a favor and pick it up? You’ll be surprised, but it’s EVEN BETTER THAN THE MOVIE. And the movie’s fantastic. Go, go. But hands off Inigo. He’s mine.

Richie Tozier – It by Stephen King

Best TV movie casting ever. Total crush on both of these guys.

This isn’t creepy because I read this book for the first time when I was thirteen. So it’s totally not creepy pedophile time at all.

Listen, I have always been in love with the class clown. There is nothing, nothing, NOTHING sexier than the smart guy who can make me laugh. NOTHING. Seriously. First guy I ever had a crush on in the history of me? Class clown. Most disastrous relationships I’ve been in? The guy wasn’t funny, but I thought, “eh, maybe it’s not as important as I thought it was.” NO. It is TOTALLY important.

It also doesn’t hurt that Richie’s a ginger. Add ginger into class clown and intelligent? Total swoon-fest, sincerely.

SIDE NOTE: Mandy picked Bill from the same book, so we’ve decided we’re going to go on book double dates to the soda fountain. Awesome!

Gilbert Blythe – Anne of Green Gables series by Lucy Maud Montgomery

Remember when he called Anne "carrots?" Aw.

This is one of the book-boyfriends I feel badly about stealing from his lady. Because Anne and Gilbert were so damn perfect together! But Gilbert Blythe! One of my first book boyfriends! He was so in love with Anne! And he respected her BRAIN, you guys! He never wanted her to be a stupid, simpering idiot! He LIKED that she was intelligent, even back in the day when women weren’t encouraged to be intelligent!

A couple of years ago, I got to see Jonathan Crombie in a musical? And seriously, I almost DIED. I was in the same ROOM. As the guy who played GILBERT BLYTHE. I mean, I was pretty far away, so I could barely see him, but he totally sounded like Gilbert. Little pre-teen crushing Amy would have been SO PROUD of her adult-self!

Jaime Lannister – A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin


Very few people had Jaime Lannister on their lists when I was scouring lists online. I assume this is because (spoiler alert, kind of, but if you haven’t read the first book or seen the miniseries yet, you probably should get on that, April first is coming quickly) he slept with his sister? Listen, I’m going to give you ANOTHER spoiler alert, but it’s sort of minor. You will, I guarantee you, see Jaime in a different light by the third book. Now, with the way Martin treats his characters, I can’t guarantee you that by the fourth book Jaime’s not eating puppy brains, or something, but I don’t know if it’ll matter. I am HEAD OVER HEELS for Jaime right now, damn. Also, the casting in the miniseries did not hurt one teeny tiny bit. Gulp.

Nick Andros – The Stand by Stephen King

I am...not in love with this casting choice. You take what you can get, I guess.

Nick, and his tortuously lonely backstory and his pride and his intelligence and his bravery and his delight at finally being accepted into a group and then his inevitable sacrifice – ugh. KILLED ME. Mostly because he was totally my book boyfriend pretty much from the get-go. Sure, there are some excellent characters in the book, don’t get me wrong. But it’s all about Nick and his black curls and his laughing eyes and his quick hands. None of which the miniseries got right, dammit.

Tyrion Lannister – A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin

I like this one because he looks HAPPY. I could make Tyrion happy.

You know he won me over when he said “I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples, bastards, and broken things,” right? Because I love all of those things? And then he sealed it with his “A mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge.”

I love that Tyrion keeps his head about him, even though everyone has counted him out and are, for the most part, laughing at him. I love his intelligence and his humor and his curiosity and the fact that he’s usually one step ahead of everyone else in the room and no one even has a guess. I love how bawdy and ribald he is. I love how deeply emotional he is. Also, it doesn’t hurt that he’s played by Peter Dinklage, who is just a handsome, handsome man. I can’t wait to see what he does with Season Two.

Aloysius Pendergast – The Pendergast novels by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child

You have to use your IMAGINATION, yahoos.

OK, so after all my blathering and blah-blah-blah on and on and ON about it, you’ve all watched the BBC’s Sherlock and you’re in love, right?

Pendergast is the American BBC Sherlock.

He’s quiet and he’s brilliant and he’s kind of a recluse and no one really knows him and he solves these crimes no 0ne else can solve and he has this one great love, and one best friend, and oh, also, he’s SOUTHERN. And TALL. And BLONDE. And well-read, and intelligent, and…oh, sorry, think I might have been drooling a little. Sorry about that.

One of these books was made into a movie. THEY CUT HIS CHARACTER OUT. Yeah, I don’t know, either. Tom Sizemore was in the movie. I think it was pre-Celebrity Rehab. Probably best they left my man out.

Jamie Fraser – The Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon

Sorry. I want a movie, too. SO BADLY. You have NO IDEA.

So I hate romances? Like, with a fiery passion? I mean, I don’t mind some romance in a book I’m reading. But I won’t read a straight romance novel, because they make me itchy and bitter and are usually written so badly it makes me want to scream.

Nope. Read this series, please. Because, Jamie Fraser. Who is my #1 of all time book boyfriend. Scottish. Tall. Ginger. Gentlemanly. Multi-lingual. Intelligent. Protective. Funny. Loving. Hard-working. Proud. TOTALLY THE SEXIEST YO.

Also, the sex scenes are so steamy and well-written you will totally blush WHILE YOU ARE IN YOUR LUNCHROOM, WITH OTHERS and that’s not at all awkward and weird AT ALL NOPE. Seriously. SO GOOD.

And yeah, I feel a little bad stealing Jamie from his wife, who he’s spent all this TIME and EFFORT getting back together with considering she’s from the future and all. But LISTEN. He is MY Scottish Highlander. I’ll totally fight Claire for him, no joke. WHEN AND WHERE, CLAIRE.

Happy Saturday! May your book-boyfriends (and/or girlfriends – I have three of these, too – Lyra Silvertongue from the His Dark Materials trilogy, Lisbeth Salander from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and the sequels, and Hermione Granger from Harry Potter, only I don’t so much want to make out with them but be their BFF and kick all the ass with them) treat you well!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

18 responses to “Upside: less likely to break your heart. Downside: so many papercuts, damn.

  • greengeekgirl

    You and your team of literary suitors makes me smile! I was explaining the other day to Kristy why I could never pick Jamie as a literary boyfriend; he and I would probably end up killing each other, in a bad way. (I still love him, just not for *me*.)

    Richie and Nick! I like them, too. Not like-like. But like–you know, in a friendly way where I could totally come to your wedding and not be jealous.


  • borkadventures

    So, you did spend time studying the class clown…

    Great list! I love Jamie Lannister too! We must like bad boys if we go for the Lannisters…but they’re so very layered…we’d be engaged in fiery conversations all the time! Jamie would need therapy or something though because he would ALWAYS have Cersei issues.

    Also, I want to check out the Poppy Z. Brite book, as I’ve always wanted to read one of her novels. I’m assuming this serves as your recommendation for the book as well as your boyfriend.


    • lucysfootball

      I DID. HOURS studying the class clown! SIGH. Such a cutie. So funny and quick. I haven’t seen him in years and I’d probably still drop everything if he came calling, no lie.

      I KNOW! The Lannisters are amazing. I mean, I love Jon Snow, but my heart is with the Lannister boys. I like my men layered and twisty and dark and broody and a little broken. But you’re totally right. Jamie would need GOBS of therapy.

      You’ll love Poppy Z. Brite! Lost Souls is my favorite, then Drawing Blood – but anything she wrote is amazing, I think you’d love her work!


  • Kristy Shriner Salisbury

    No surprise here, but I am in total agreement with you about Jamie Fraser! I would feel bad about breaking up Jamie and Claire, though. In middle school I went through a Thorn Birds phase (the book still holds a special place in my heart) and was OBSESSED with Father Ralph de Bricassart. I think it was partly because I knew Richard Chamberlain played Ralph in the TV miniseries (and damn was he hot back in the day!) I also think Peter Dinklage is a handsome man!


    • lucysfootball

      Sigh, Jamie. Isn’t he just perfection? Why are there no real-life Jamies?

      And YES, Peter Dinklage! I love to watch him get awards for his role. He’s so nonchalant and cool and badass about it! I want to hang out with him. I bet he’d be the most fun!


  • triSARAHtops

    LOVED This!
    Sometimes your blog is so funny I spit coffee on my computer screen. +1 for you, -2 for my laptop.
    PS. I did this once … sort of … and less awesome.


    • lucysfootball

      Aw, thank you! I love to ruin computer screens! :)

      And yay for Duckie! Although, upon rewatch as an adult, I think he’s gay. I KNOW! I had SUCH a crush on him as a kid! But he reminds me so much of this guy who had a “crush” on my in high school…who came out in college and said he only pretended to have a crush on me because he knew he had to have a crush on SOMEONE in order to seem straight and that I’d never go for it, so I was safe.

      Sigh. Even in HIGH SCHOOL I was inappropriately crushing on unavailable fictional characters!


  • Domestic Goddess in Training

    I think you did leave the best for last… I can’t imagine anyone not being able to resist Jamie.


  • elaine4queen

    new twitter.

    does it really exist or is it a conspiracy designed to make us feel left out?


  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    Wait – WAIT!! Jamie Fraser BEAT her!! He literally took his fists to her and beat her all over!! (for supposedly putting the clan in danger by running away). Seriously, how is this romantic? I couldn’t get past that scene in the book and never finished it. It turned my stomach! Yes, I get that she endangered the clan and deserved some sort of punishment – but, to have her HUSBAND beat her??? No way. If he really loved her, he couldn’t lift a finger against her. That is SO, SO wrong! It is NOT romantic! It is plain ABUSE. Someone else could have ‘punished’ her, but NOT HER HUSBAND. It makes me sick to think of it. And she was all “oh, i feel like part of the clan now” and she just ACCEPTED IT! This is just classic abuser/enabler behavior – “she deserved it” “it’s for her own good” and she’s all “I deserved it” NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. No one deserves to get beaten by his/her partner who has sworn to love and honor them. THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC. At all. Think about it.


    • lucysfootball

      Yes, he did. And yes, it was awful.

      I’m not going to make excuses for it, but:

      1. It was set in the mid-1700s, when that type of behavior was common, and Jamie was a product of his environment.

      2. She endangered his entire crew of men, and Jamie reacted how he felt was proper in such a situation.

      3. As it was early in the book, Gabaldon not only needed to set up the way women were treated in that time, but Jamie’s temper, and his behavior in that circumstance did both.

      4. Not that it makes anything better, but I believe (it’s been a while since I read it) he beat her with his belt, not his fists, on her behind and legs.

      5. After it happened, he and Claire discuss it. At length. Actually, a few times, and (again, if I’m remembering correctly) in a few of the books. She tells him she understands why he did it, but will never completely forgive him for it, because it’s an unforgivable action, and not something someone does to his wife. She tells him he gets that one time, and if he ever, EVER, raises a hand, or anything else, to her in anger again, she will kill him. And he gives her permission to do so. He actually at one point does something (I don’t remember what, something stupid) and offers her his belt so she can beat HIM with it, because he believes he deserves a similar punishment for whatever it is that he did. She, of course, refuses, because she tells him that’s not how people deal with problems in a relationship.

      6. He never again (I’m on the fourth or fifth book of the series) raises a hand to her in anger. And we see his temper throughout, so that situation (to me) shows us how much he loves Claire, and how she’s changed him for the better: he has the strength to inflict pain, but now knows better, even though other men around him would react differently, and won’t ever do it again.

      7. I don’t know if she ever decided she deserved it. I think she realized putting everyone in danger was a dick move on her part, but Claire’s a tough cookie. She realized he reacted as a man of his time would, but she’s royally pissed, and remains so for some time. As I mentioned, she tells him what the consequences will be if he ever tries something like that again. And I’m pretty sure she means it.

      I’m in agreement it’s wrong, of course. And it upset me when I read it, because it was early in the series, and I hadn’t gotten to know the characters well yet. But I don’t think it’s an abuser situation. One time does not an abuser make. Repeated times, yes. But one time, and the person learns, and never does it again – I don’t think that’s an abuser. I will freely admit (and thank all the gods, goddesses, and various deities watching over me) that I have never been physically abused, so have very little personal experience to draw from – but in this one circumstance, I don’t see Jamie as an abuser. I see him as a man who reacted poorly to a situation, and who is a product of his time, who learned from it, and grew, and has not reacted similarly again.


      • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

        Yeah, I tried to tell myself “that was how it was in those days”, but she was a ‘modern’ woman, and I didn’t understand her reaction the next day. It sounds like if I had continued reading I would have learned more about her reaction and his reaction to her reaction, and her laying down the law. I just couldn’t get past the beating, at that point. It literally made me ill.

        Thank you for explaining what happens later. I have to admit, that up until that point I was really enjoying it (I *love* Scotland – been there twice), and was so disappointed in what happened that turned me off. So, maybe, MAYBE, I’ll pick it up again.

        Thank you for the thorough explanation, and sorry if I went off the deep end. I am just sick of the long, sad history (and present) of men abusing women and justifying it by saying “it’s the law/custom/whatever – you deserve it”.

        Happy Monday! ;-)


        • lucysfootball

          It was hard to deal with. I kept with it because it had been so highly recommended by so many people that I couldn’t stop without seeing *why* they’d recommended it so highly, especially after that.

          If it helps at all, the first book is really the best one. The subsequent books are good, but not stellar. As Jamie and Claire age, the books get less exciting. The history’s kind of cool, though.

          No apologies! You’re fine! I actually thought, when I put Jamie on my list, “I wonder if anyone’s going to mention that he beat Claire?” because it does bother me, as well. Which is why I had an answer half-prepared. I really thought it out before putting him on the list! :)


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