Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:
Here it is, a new year! And still, you are lost, wandering aimlessly through the peaks and valleys of the World Wide Web, and sometimes you stumble, lost and weary, upon my little gingerbread house. And listen, I’m so sorry, you must be totally wide-eyed confused. I CAN HELP WITH THAT.
I’ve been collecting new readers like a hoarder from that scary television program where they always seem to find dead animals under stacks of boxes, which is totally the most awesome. The readers, not the dead animals. Nothing’s awesome about dead hoarded animals. So to catch you up, newbies (and, HI! Please don’t leave, sometimes I have punch and cookies): I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the seventh one. As you can tell from the title. Search for the others; they’re stellar.) Because I’m a giver. What? I AM. I give! I totally give! Who says I don’t give? Because I’ll give them a big old fat lip, just see if I don’t!
There were a lot of weird-ass search terms this month. But not as weird as in the past. Less porn. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Have the pervy old weirdos left me alone? AM I NOT EVEN ATTRACTING THE PERVERTS? ZOMG, Ding Dong Joe? Are you still there? Deep breaths. I CAN TOTALLY DO THIS.
So ANYWAY, instead of addressing you all individually, which would take like a year or something, I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. Think of it as being inducted into a very elite club, in which you are being made fun of, chastised, and, in some cases, celebrated. But mostly snarked at. You deserve it, let’s be honest.
Category the First: Searches that weren’t correct going in, but found the right place after all
obstinate rambling tv
I’m both of these things. I’m pretty sure you didn’t want to be here, but once you got here, I think you probably nodded, said, “yep, this’ll do,” and stayed. Right? Right. “Obstinate rambling TV.” Hee. Yep. That’s me, every night.
Category the Second: Nope. Couldn’t be more lost. Sorry, Sally Homemaker.
cheerful pig cake design
electrolux custard machine
Why do you want a cheerful pig cake? What event are you attending that necessitates you bringing a cheerful pig cake? And listen, I like pigs, but I don’t know how “cheerful” they are.
Also, although an Electrolux custard machine sounds DELIGHTFUL, I don’t have the time, energy, or counterspace for such a thing. Also, I can’t eat custard due to dietary restrictions. So you’re barking up so the wrong tree. Like, you’re in the whole wrong FOREST. But it does sound delicious. Best of all things to you. Maybe you could hook up with Pig Cake Lady and you could host a dessert buffet?
Category the Third: Random quotes from my blog that people latched onto like remoras and searched for and I don’t get it either:
“the furries thing is my favorite”
“had to pee”
“put your pants back on ding dong joe”
“the saddest robbery i’ve ever heard of”
“there is romance, and there is a giant tongue”
the adventures of “ding dong joe” and “pervy pete”
the adventures of “pervy pete” and “ding dong joe”
“why would she hit anyone with a hose”
Although I am flattered you put actual quotes around actual things I said (I like to imagine they are air quotes, because Heavens to Murgatroyd, I am certainly not at all quotable in the real world) it perplexes me how these searches came to be. Did you read my blog, and this snippet of it remained in your mind, and you thought, when you got home that night, “MAN but do I want to read that again but I don’t remember who wrote it or the name of the blog! But I DO remember ‘had to pee!’” Confusing. FLATTERING, sure. But totally confusing.
I also like that Ding Dong Joe and Pervy Pete are having adventures. I think odds are good they are like desperadoes. Desperadoes of Naughtiness. Running around gated communities, exposing themselves and being pervy. Cut it out, you two. I don’t have the money to bail you out.
Category the Fourth: Search Terms That Make Me Nervous To Be Alive
bury escorts lucy
fiction stories hansel and gretel are caged fattened up and cooked
juliet lollipop chainsaw
Are you asking for ADVICE on how to BURY ESCORTS named LUCY? Oh good gravy no.
I don’t know what’s up with dead cowboy searcher, either. Maybe he or she wants to bury the cowboy along with the escort?
I should certainly HOPE the story is fiction, about the children being caged, fattened up, and cooked.
Lollipops and chainsaws should never be in a search term string at the same time.
Category the Fifth: Yes, but SPELLING COUNTS
joey greco sleeze ball
youre loosing your mind
Both of these things are TRUE. Joe Greco is a total sleazeball. SLEAZEball. “Sleeze” isn’t a word. Also, I’m going to pretend you spelled “loosing” that way because I did in the title of my much-beloved grammar post, but I think we both know that’s not the case and you just can’t spell. Sigh. I hope you found my grammar post and that it helped you.
Category the Sixth: Pervy Search Terms (danger Will Robinson, because, ew)
bad boyfriend matthew bobbett naked
gay furry handjob
pie graph “things you can suck”
porn porno pornopors
red riding hood blowjob
I did a search for Matthew Bobbett and it isn’t a famous person. So I assume it’s just a normal person. And that he’s a bad boyfriend. And his ex wants to…I don’t know, see him naked? Have naked photos of him for blackmail purposes? This isn’t as much “ew” as “whaaa?” and kind of “HA, ha” in a Nelson from The Simpsons voice.
Not just NORMAL sex with horses, you guys. DIRTY sex. With random punctuation in the middle of it!
ZOMG FURRIES. I’m totally the go-to blog for furry weirdness on the Interwebs, I shit you not.
This is not the first time someone has searched for this particular pie chart here. I DON’T HAVE IT AND I’M NOT MAKING IT FOR YOU. I also don’t know that it exists and it would be better served in list form, honestly.
Again, as I said last month, stop doing search terms for fairy tale characters performing sex acts; it’s freaking me out.
The “porn porno” guy gets a +1 just because that’s so cheerful. It’s like he couldn’t stop, once he got started. “Porno porno pornopornoporno!” I imagine him being Italian. With a little moustache. And bouncy.
Category the Seventh: Search Terms I Can Answer (and Hi! And I Love You!)
adult stepson is vandalizing our home and lying about it Again? This month? Last month he was just vandalizing, now he’s LYING about it? Dude/dudette! Restraining order! Get him OUT! Why is your adult stepson still even LIVING with you? And why are you coming here for advice? You’re welcome!
best books to give as gifts to lover Stop calling them your “lover,” first off, no one likes that but aliens or robots. Second, if you know them well enough for insertion and thrusting, you should know what books make them happy. If you don’t, then maybe less thrusting, more talking. You’re welcome!
binghamton “bearcat” Gooooo, Bearcats! Yes, I went to Binghamton. No, I never attended a single sporting event while there. Yes, our mascot is the bearcat. Here it is:
Yes, it’s green. No, I don’t know why, either. This is a real bearcat:
I know, it’s better than that scary green Hulk-bearcat. We used to be the Binghamton Colonials, by the way, until someone decided that was derogatory toward indigenous ethnic groups. You’re welcome!
clothes during the crucible era According to this site, women wore: “long dresses in bright colors, down to their ankles, with a hooded cloak.” You’re welcome!
inside the brain of a serial killer Murdery. You’re welcome!
i’ve got the grippe. i’m so very ill. Aw. Would you like some soup? Ibuprofen? Warm blankets? Get some rest! Take some Airborne! Lots of Vitamin C! You’re welcome! Shh, sleep now!
pecanless pecan pie My grandmother made me this once. Because I hate pecans. It’s Karo syrup and brown sugar in a crust. It will give you diabetes. You’re welcome!
picked up a snake and it bit the man but the snake said you knew what i was meaning I don’t really have an answer for this. I just like how it was worded. I wrote a whole post about this, you can refer back to it if you need to. And everyone should. It was very good, if I do say so myself. “You knew what I was meaning.” That is one sassy snake, yo. You’re welcome!
when she was bad, the little girl with a curl in the middle of her forehead act how? “When she was bad, she was HORRID.” She did NOT dick around, yo. You’re welcome! (Psst, my mom said this was me, when I was little. I’ve always been a handful!)
what does it mean to be forever in debt with someone I would assume it meant…you owe them? For the length of…ever? Your question seems to have answered itself. You’re welcome? I think?
what to say when someone asks you out If you’re online asking for advice to this question, the only answer is no. Because you obviously don’t want to say yes. If you wanted to say yes, you would have said it right away, wouldn’t you? Aw, honey. I hope someone you dig asks you out soon. You’re welcome. And I’m sorry you’re being asked out by losers.
where can u buy roscato rosso dolce in ohio; wine like roscato found in grocery stores I tried to look this up for you but the IT overlords here have blocked all sites related to “alcohol.” Well, damn, yo, this is about SCIENCE and HELPING PEOPLE. You can order it and get it shipped to you; I found a site that would do that. It’s worth it. That is some totally magic wine, no fooling. I have yet to get a hangover from it. And I’ve been drinking more than my fair share. Also, I sort of hate you people that can get your wine in grocery stores. I used to be able to do that when I lived in Arizona. I miss that. You’re welcome!
who are “ding dong joe” and “pervy pete” They’re my imaginary pervert friends that live in my brain area that I talk to on my blog. Doesn’t everyone have a couple of those? You’re welcome, even though your question was totally self-explanatory.
why does zak bagans wear a gas mask I would assume because he’s a total douchecanoe. I haven’t been able to figure out the answer to that question, either. If the houses he’s investigating are dangerous, why don’t the other people on his team wear gas masks? You’re welcome. But not YOU, Zak Bagans, you can bite me.
word describing clerks popular movie quotes everyone knows ” i wasn’t even supposed to be here today” You…um…I don’t get this. You want one WORD that describes this quote? Awesome? Does that word work? Or you want one word describing movie quotes that are ingrained into the fabric of society? How about “ubiquitous?” Or “canonical?” You’re welcome!
Category the Eighth: Curiouser and Curiouser
imaginary meeting with a person
lil lucy ho ho’s vill
mary cant b mean billy will have a place in her heart
my mamma done told me ammy
Popsicle sticks onset and rime
shape of cowboy condom
tip toot tractor
lucy’s football, lesbian, record store
All of these are kind of perplexing. I get where some of them came from, but they’re just head-scratching search terms.
The “popsicle sticks” thing is like it’s written in another language for all the sense I can make of that.
Are cowboy condoms differently-shaped than regular condoms? I wish I had a cowboy I could ask, but the only cowboy I know is that dead one up there.
Also, it was a VIDEO STORE, not a RECORD STORE. I was never cool enough to work in a record store.
Category the Ninth: Searches people were obsessed with this month
Zak Bagans: 8
Dr. Spencer Reid: 8
Matt Lanter: 3
Steel Burkhardt: 2
Yes, I’ve mentioned all of these people here at one point. That does NOT mean I have nude photos of them, or if I know where they live, or their phone numbers (what the hell?) or if they are dating anyone. Internet! Stop being weird about celebrities.
Category the Tenth: Sigh
“i was crazy head-over-heels in love with a louisianian”
I’m going to pretend that whoever did this search WAS the Louisianian that I was in love with, and he’s all, “MAN but did I let her slip through my fingers” and he saw this and was all “aw, she still THINKS of me sometimes” and it’s just a matter of time before we totally get married, you guys.
If not – again, why are you people pulling random sentences out of my blog and searching them? It’s off-putting.
Category the Eleventh: You’re a creep, you’re a weirdo
amy from “lucy’s football” is the coolest and awesomest!
are “ding dong joe” and “lucy’s football” together?
ding dong joe and lucy’s football
i have the utmost respect for amy from “lucy’s football”.
i mean, we’ll be just friends — no touching, amy, from “lucy’s football”
i pledge to always respect the personal space of amy, from “lucysfootball.com”
i promise i will never try to bend or kiss amy from “lucy’s football”
i’m sorry, amy from “lucy’s football”, please don’t be mad at me.
how many people think “pervy pete” should just put pants back on
is amy from lucy’s football single and willing to kiss strangers?
let’s be friends amy from “lucy’s football”
loud larry and lucy’s football
will amy “kiss or bend with any yahoo”?
OK, so right after I posted my last Open Letter, someone thought it would be hysterical to start a “conversation” with me in my search terms, which would have been funny, I suppose, if it wasn’t so EFFING CREEPY. And it showed that they had WAY TOO MUCH FREE TIME. And were WAY TOO AVID ABOUT THE WHOLE THING. Like, see all these sentences up there? They all started showing up in my search terms. Multiple times. And once I blogged “hey, creeper, cut it out” they started searching the “apology” terms.
OK, there’s a fine line between “funny” and “I’m standing outside your house wearing a Nixon mask and grinning maniacally while drooling and caressing your trash bags” and these totally crossed it. I assume you’re reading? Not funny. If you want to be famous, you’re not going to get it here. I don’t even have enough readers for that. And you’re seriously being a creeper. You had to know that was in bad taste and was getting to be a bit much, right? Stop. Just, stop.
The search term that best describes what I wanted to do once I finished reading all of these:
renew restraining order reminder
Category the Twelfth: THANK YOU, I KNOW
lucy’s football genius, common sense
Yep, totally. But thanks for letting me know that YOU know, too.
Category the Thirteenth: Search Terms That Are Just Plain Awesome
“loser gets” beats
“peas and carrots, rhubarb rhubarb”
“what in a car” joke
cat dressed up thug
caution wear black ice condom
dog in snuggie with safety goggles
epic effing win
ginger cat wearing clothes
kids’ english guessing game who am i? hee hee hee am i a ghost?
nyc 2012 stomach virus
gobble goo game
i’m here to kick ass jaime lannister
“Hee hee hee am I a ghost?” That’s like the best guessing game ever. I like that you spelled out the laughing. I also like that the loser gets beat (or beatS), there’s a joke about “what in a car” (what’s the punchline, I wonder?), that other people like cats wearing clothing (I totally want to see a cat dressed like a thug, maybe I’ll try that with Dumbcat when I get home) and that someone’s warning me either TO wear the Black Ice condom, or maybe AGAINST wearing it. It’s vague. There was a whole NYC epidemic of my virus, apparently, and there’s a Gobble Goo Game? I’d play that!
Also, Jaime Lannister is totally there to kick ass. No arguments from me. Also to be my book-boyfriend.
Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.
(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)