“…what was really a lemon situation into lemonade.”

Caution and danger, Will Robinson. I cuss all over this post like a drunken sailor on leave. I also talk about lady-bits, homosexuality, rape, politics, and Christianity. If you hate that, come back tomorrow, I’ll try not to use the eff-word so much, promise. Kisses! Love!

I know I don’t usually talk about SERIOUS THINGS here. For good reason. There are a lot of places where you can get your serious news. Like, oh, I don’t know, the newspaper. Or various blogs that talk about serious issues in serious tones with serious graphics and such. Sometimes they have charts. And graphs. With real statistics! That they didn’t make up out of nowhere! Mostly, I talk about fluff and things that make me laugh and things that make me stabby and make up words and put in photos of sad pandas and call it a day.

So if you want all that, please come back tomorrow, when we will go back to our regularly-scheduled tomfoolery and jackassery, and I will try to put in a couple of wacky photos I ganked from Google Images and make you laugh. I promise. I have some good shit coming up; it’s almost time to play with search engine terms again, and I have a very, very helpful advice column coming up this weekend full of NAUGHTINESS. So, yeah, those are coming. Today, though, this isn’t going to be funny, and if you’re only here for the funny, I do so apologize in advance.

This is Rick Santorum.

Rick Santorum is one of the four remaining Republican presidential candidates. The race for the Republican nomination has really been all over the board, but if I had to guess, I think it’ll probably end up between Gingrich and Romney. It could, possibly, go to Santorum, but I think the odds of that are slim. I think Ron Paul is out, though. He isn’t winning any of the primaries.

Rick Santorum hates a lot of things.

First and foremost, he hates those tricky sparkly rainbow-y gays. DUDE. Santorum could NOT HATE THE GAYS ANY HARDER IF HE TRIED. Some Santorum quotes about how he feels about homosexuality:

“Is anyone saying same-sex couples can’t love each other? I love my children. I love my friends, my brother. Heck, I even love my mother-in-law. Should we call these relationships marriage, too? Marriage is and always has been more than the acknowledgment of the love between two people.”

I have a problem with homosexual acts…We have laws in states, like the one at the Supreme Court right now, that has sodomy laws and they were there for a purpose. Because, again, I would argue, they undermine the basic tenets of our society and the family. And if the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does…Every society in the history of man has upheld the institution of marriage as a bond between a man and a woman…In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.”

OK, so in these two quotes (and there are more, THERE ARE SO MANY MORE, I just picked these two from so, so many, please feel free to search and find your own example of Santorum hate speech if you’d like) he’s comparing homosexuality to marrying his brother and mother-in-law, pedophilia, and bestiality.

Now, unless you totally have been living under a rock, you know about Dan Savage and the fact that he took offense at these statements and took matters into his own hands – if Santorum was going to redefine homosexuality, Savage was going to redefine Santorum. And he did. And it is awesome. Santorum totally stompy-stomped and “make it STOP” and wanted Google to take that shit DOWN and “this is DAMAGING my presidential DWEAMS” and whatever. Listen, if you start something, you can’t just decide, in this day and age, you want it to stop. You made derogatory comments about at LEAST 10% of the population and then didn’t like how they reacted? Hmm. That’s funny. They didn’t like how you compared them to dog-fuckers, either, but I don’t see you apologizing for that, or retracting your statements, or asking Google to remove that search result.

So I already hated Santorum, because anyone who thinks things like this, and says them, OUT LOUD, is immediately probably a brain-dead moron who deserves to be set on fire in a pit full of poisonous vipers (also, you know the saying “Methinks the lady doth protest too much?” Well. Methinks. METHINKS.)

Then, Friday, this shit happened.

OK, Santorum – already on my shit list – is a crazy Christian. As mentioned, to the point of I should probably get a damn teeshirt, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH CHRISTIANITY. Just don’t shove it in my face. Or any religion, really. Or any belief system. You tend to your own test paper, I’ll tend to mine, and we’ll all be happy, in the end, minding our own business.

Santorum isn’t just a Christian. Santorum is a CRAZY Christian. Like, the kind who’s all “I’m RIGHT! You’re WRONG! Hellfire! BRIMSTONE! Gays bad! Sex bad! WOMEN BAD BAD BAD!”

He wants women to stay home with the children. He wants no sex outside of marriage. NONE. At ALL. Even boring, plain, vanilla-with-no-chocolate-sauce-or-nuts-sex.

And, of course, OF COURSE, he wants to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies.

Did you click the link above? I know you all pretty well. Probably you didn’t.

In brief:

On Piers Morgan (when did Piers Morgan become a reputable news source? I find that humorous) Santorum explained that he was anti-abortion (we knew that, as I said, CRAZY CHRISTIAN) even in cases of rape. Because, and I totally quote, women that face such circumstances should “make the best out of a bad situation.”


“Well, you can make the argument that if she doesn’t have this baby, if she kills her child, that that, too, could ruin her life. And this is not an easy choice, I understand that. As horrible as the way that that son or daughter was created, it still is her child. And whether she has that child or she doesn’t, it will always be her child, and she will always know that. And so to embrace her and to love her and to support her and get her through this very difficult time, I’ve always, you know, I believe and I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created — in the sense of rape — but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you. As you know, we have to, in lots of different aspects of our life we have horrible things happen. I can’t think of anything more horrible, but nevertheless, we have to make the best out of a bad situation and I would make the argument that that is making the best.”

He also said that the decision to have a child born of rape was, for the mother – are you ready for this? –  “They found that they had made what was really a lemon situation into lemonade.”


I’m going to say this in the most succinct, yet probably most vulgar, way, you’ve seen from me, possibly ever. Please prepare yourself. Also, earmuff your children. Or, eyemuff, I guess, it’s not like this is an audiobook.

Until you have a MOTHERFUCKING VAGINA and you have been FORCIBLY FUCKING RAPED and find yourself PREGNANT WITH THAT FUCKER’S CHILD you have NO FUCKING RIGHT to tell anyone what they can and cannot do with that baby.

I’m far from the only person who took offense at this. Twitter blew up; here are a few blogs that mentioned it, if you’d like to read some other, probably more-intelligent, comments on the situation. (I especially like “God is the shittiest gift-giver ever.”)

Listen. There are certain things that should not be in the purview of politics. Women’s bodies and what we choose to do with them are one of them.  I sincerely don’t understand how this is a political issue. Because it isn’t. It’s two separate issues: it’s religious, one, and that’s not supposed to be allowed in politics (SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, WHY DOES THIS CONFUSE ANYONE) and two, it’s MEN attempting to keep WOMEN in their PLACE by putting fucking LAWS and RULES and REGULATIONS on what we can and can’t do with our own fucking bodies.

Let me reiterate what I said above, a little more descriptive-like.


You don’t have a vagina.

You don’t know what it’s like, probably (I mean, sure, there are some men who have been raped? In those cases, then, yes, I suppose you know what it’s like, and can sympathize – I certainly don’t mean to exclude men who have been raped, as it’s a horrible thing to happen to anyone, male or female, so yes, some men can relate, to some extent, but not to the extent of the pregnancy) to be forced into a sex act you do not want to participate in.

You don’t know what it’s like to carry that around, if you’re lucky enough to survive it. You don’t know what the weight of that’s like, in your chest and in your body and in your mind. You don’t know that you, for a very long time, sometimes, don’t feel like you’re lucky to have survived it, at all. You don’t know that you jump at shadows; you don’t know that you shy away from the touch of people who don’t want to harm you; you don’t know about the self-medicating and the self-harming and the self-recriminating. You don’t know what it’s like to be powerless, both during the act, and then after, for what feels like forever.


Then, well, look at this! What a lucky gift! A GIFT FROM GOD, right, Rick Santorum? You’re pregnant! With the rapist’s child!

You didn’t have a choice whether or not you wanted to participate in the act that created that child. Rick Santorum wants to make sure you CONTINUE to not have a choice; that you CONTINUE to be helpless; that your power CONTINUES to be out of your hands. Because men like Rick Santorum (and, hell, the rapist, too!) know what’s best. Just sit back, little lady. We got this. WE GOT THIS. This is a GIFT. From GOD. You just sit back and gestate. It’s your job. As a WOMAN. You had no choice THEN, you have no choice NOW. You had no voice then, and you sure as fuck have no voice now.

Make those lemons into lemonade, sweetie. It’s what you get for being born without a dick.

Now, listen. I’m not saying the opposite, either. I’m not advocating abortion. I am advocating choice. I am advocating that we should have the choice what we want to do with our bodies, as women. Because they are our bodies. OURS. We OWN them. We sure as hell don’t own a lot in this world, but our bodies are ours. And pieces of self-righteous shit like Rick Santorum shouldn’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do with mine. Since when does he get a say over my body? I don’t see him even tangentially involved with my life. Is he paying my bills? Is he genetically related to me (oh, my, please no)?

Is he God? Does he presume to know the will of God?

Here’s the thing. God created us all with free will. It’s mentioned in the Bible; it’s mentioned throughout popular literature. It’s one of the things that, hypothetically, God is supposed to love us all for the most; our ability to make our own choices. God did NOT create man to “free will” each OTHER when it comes to morality. I’m pretty sure THAT shit’s not in the Bible. OR IS IT, Santorum? Point it out to me, buddy. No, seriously. I’m waiting.

Rick Santorum: until you have been forcibly raped, you don’t get to tell a victim of a fucking CRIME how they can and can’t deal with the aftermath of that crime. YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT. If I saw you on the street right now, I’m pretty sure I’d be one of those loonies who’d get all red in the face and spitty and screamy. I’m so furious about this I can’t even deal.

So listen. I personally don’t know many Republicans? But if anyone who actually IS a Republican has gotten this far in this post? Please, as a personal favor to me, when it comes time to vote in your primary, vote for one of the other guys. I know the odds are slim that Santorum stands a chance, but I want him to LOSE. MISERABLY. I want him to WEEP. I want him to cry out “WHY GOD WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR MOST FAITHFUL SERVANT.” And I want God to reply: “Hey, Santorum: I created women in My image, too, you piece of judgmental shit. And I was getting really sick of you putting words in My mouth.”

Alright. Rant over. I promise to be twice as funny tomorrow. No, shit, wait, I don’t promise that, I can’t make promises I can’t possibly keep. I WILL TRY TO BE FUNNIER TOMORROW.

Be nice to each other, ok? Well, except Santorum. You all have my total and complete permission to be as mean to Santorum as you’d like.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

20 responses to ““…what was really a lemon situation into lemonade.”

  • Zippy 219

    I’m not a Republican but I tend to be very conservative. For me personally there is not a good candidate for President to be found…anywhere and that includes currently in office.

    But I completely agree with you…the Government, as a whole or individually, has no right to dictate what I do in my bedroom or with my body. Just as I don’t care or want to know what is going on in anyone else’s bedrooms (as long as it is consensual & everyone is of legal age) or bodies, straight or gay, married or single, religious or agnostic…whatever the demographic.


    • lucysfootball

      I agree – this year I’ll be voting not for the best candidate, but for the lesser of the evils, whoever that turns out to be.

      And also completely agreed – as long as it’s between consenting adults, it is none of my business, and should be none of anyone else’s. As long as no one’s being hurt, eyes on your own papers, everyone.


  • Anonymous

    I’ve always felt I had no right to even have an opinion on a woman’s choice except that “it was not my place to say.” I’m pro-choice because I want it for her.
    As far as which one of the 4 candidates…yeesh. I’d think either Gingrich or Romney would express the exact same opinions (possibly more articulately) if they thought it was worth votes.
    So this is where you’ve been. Missed you.


    • lucysfootball

      Agreed – I don’t know that Gingrich or Romney are necessarily better, or don’t feel the same way – I just don’t think they’d say it out loud. Santorum doesn’t seem to have a filter.

      I’m here! And I’m happy to see you! I miss you, too. I want a 2012 with more you in it. Let’s make sure that happens.


  • Heather

    I give you some tears, a little shakiness, and a huge THANK YOU. Thank you.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I honestly don’t understand how this can still be an issue? It’s the year 20-fucking-12, for fucks sake, not the 12th century. Perhaps we should ban the use of electricity as well? And burn people we don’t like as witches?

    That Santorum dude need to grow the fuck up (and find himself a man, because oh em gee is he a closet case!). But what really scares me is that he’s not alone. The crazy-as-fuck religious nutters are multiplying at an alarming rate. If we’re not careful it could be the end of civilisation as we know it.

    Vote responsibly.


    • lucysfootball

      Is it not an issue where you are? I don’t know the state of things over there. If it’s not, that’s awesome, and just another example of how backward America can be on some of the issues.

      And YES. Things are frightening right now. Truly frightening.


      • Andreas Heinakroon

        There are conservatives over here but they know better than trying to mess with anything as fundamental as women’s rights. There are also a few crazy-eyed loonies (mostly confused racists) but they’re not even close to getting into power. So in that regard we’re pretty well off.


        • lucysfootball

          I think I need to visit you someday. To take a breather from what’s going on here. Would we have adventures? I’m only coming if there are adventures.


          • Andreas Heinakroon

            You’re ever so welcome!

            Adventures? Yes, there could be adventures, I guess. As long as it’s not the kind where the car breaks down out in the sticks in the middle of the night – we’ve just had it serviced and can’t afford any more expenses on that front.

            Although if you’d stay with us, there would be domestic adventures aplenty – with all the cats, dogs and babies around(actually, we only have one of each, but at times it feels like we have whole prides, packs and flanges of them!)


            • lucysfootball

              The car breaking down wouldn’t be an adventure, it would be the beginning of a horror movie! No, thanks. I’d never survive a horror movie. I couldn’t run fast enough. Domestic adventures would do just fine!


  • kitchenmudge

    Something our rulers learned long ago, which the “left” used to know, back when the U.S. had a “left”:

    Wild-eye extremists have a part to play. They make the other people who are generally on your side (whatever that side might be) look reasonable. That’s what Santorum is for. He makes Romney look reasonable. Back in the day, an ordinary “socialist” advocating something radical, like Social Security, could point behind him at the bomb-throwing anarchist and say “If you don’t deal with me, you’ll have to deal with him.” The “left” doesn’t have any bomb-throwers to speak of, but the pro-lifers have plenty, and it gives them an advantage.

    Nowadays, the main job of the Reps is to make the Dems look reasonable, while they both work for the 1%.


    • lucysfootball

      That’s a very good point. I hadn’t thought of that, and now that you bring it up, I feel foolish it never came to mind.

      Strangely enough, even though it often makes me stabby, I find politics extremely interesting. I think in another life I ran campaigns or something. Not a politician – I have NO interest in that – but the behind-the-scenes work seems like it would be FASCINATING.


  • blogginglily

    I feel this post is wishy-washy on the topic of whether you’re pro-choice or pro-life. Could you clarify? I kid.

    I hesitate to toss my two cents in here, but what the hell, it’s not like i’m known for my discretion:

    The abortion is far from black and white to me. To ME. . . it boils down to three issues:

    1) Whether you believe that aborting the child is ending its life. Murder, in other words.
    2) Whether you believe in a woman’s right to choose.
    3) Whether you believe that there are extenuating circumstances that change your opinion about the above.

    I want to skip over 1) and address 2). I believe in a woman’s right to choose. I think your blog does a fantastic job of pointing out that a woman whose choice is taken from her (by being forced into sex) isn’t responsible for the consequences. She shouldn’t be punished for being a victim. That just makes no sense at all. In the case of a woman being raped. . . she was not free to choose whether or not to have sex. . . she should be allowed to choose whether or not to keep the child. That ties in with my views on 3). . . which essentially amounts to. . . abortions are justified in the case of rape and in the case where the mother’s life is being threatened by the birth of the child.

    Now the touchy one. I don’t think people should get to choose whether or not to end someone’s life. And I really don’t feel qualified to say “your fetus is alive when X occurs”. So to me, you’re sorta killing an unborn baby.

    I know girls who have gotten abortions. Those abortions probably changed their lives. had they not gotten them, they’d have been raising a kid instead of living their lives. Which brings me to my next point. . . many of the vagina bearing decision makers are “choosing” abortion for no reason other than it interferes with their ability to fuck anyone they want, get drunk, or get high. In other words, they’re using it as after the fact “birth control”.

    So while i completely agree with a woman’s right to choose. . . in the case of two adults having consensual sex. . . THAT IS THE CHOICE. There is the possibility of pregnancy. . . you can CHOOSE to have sex. . . or CHOOSE ta not ta have sex. If you choose sex, and you get pregnant, i don’t think you get to say, “wow, a baby would really be inconvenient for me. . . I choose to kill it. I’ll try harder next time.”

    I just think lots of people (and I have ZERO stats or figures or data or research to back this up, just basing it on knowing what fucktards “people” are) use abortion as a reset button birth control.

    And having said ALL of the above, the thing that takes this out of the black and white (that the above seems to be) and into the grayer regions is this: There are people having abortions who are doing not just themselves, but the WORLD a favor by not raising children. Who am I to say a child isn’t better off not being born than being tortured, ridiculed, and overall miserably parented through life. Some of the same people I note above as being the vagina bearing decision makers making shitty decisions. . . might legitimately have saved the baby a lifetime of suffering.

    So my summary. . . to end on a more decisive not: Woman have the right to choose. I just think the choice has already been made when the woman chooses to have sex. If she didn’t choose to have sex. . . I think she gets to choose whether or not to accept the “gift” that comes as a result of it.

    I hope we can still be friends.


    • lucysfootball

      We can always be friends. Like Andreas, I’ll be your friend, even if you murder puppies. I like you THAT much.

      I am in agreement that some women use abortion as a form of birth control. I work at the answering service on the weekends, so I know it’s a thing that happens – and I know it’s a thing that happens more often than anyone would like to imagine (because you’d be blown away by how CHATTY some of the callers get with the person answering the phone. GOOD GRACIOUS STOP TELLING ME YOUR LIFE STORY.)

      As much as I think that’s an asshole move, and people should be more careful, and people are being irresponsible – I still don’t think it’s my choice to make for them. Do I think it’s shitty? Yes. But I don’t think it’s my – or anyone’s – place to take that choice away from anyone.

      They’re irresponsible assholes. But it’s their body. It’s like telling someone who smoked for fifty years he or she’s not allowed to be treated for lung cancer, in a way. Did they do it to themselves? Yes, probably. Was it stupid? Yes. But it’s not my place to tell them they can’t make the choice what to do with their body, either the smoking, or the disease coming from the years of smoking. That’s not the best analogy, but close.

      I just don’t think anyone should get the right to tell anyone else what they can and can’t do with their own body. I know it enters a gray area because there’s another life to consider (depending on your definition of when life begins, of course, that old debate) but in my mind, it’s people putting laws on other people’s bodies, which they shouldn’t have the right to do.

      I’d just, for once, like one of these hate-speechifying politicians have someone tell them, “Today, the laws change. You’re not allowed to go to the bathroom unless you ask for permission. And we may or may not give it to you. It’s really up to us, and what works for us, and what we think is best for you at the time. And you’d damn well better not piss yourself, or we’ll incarcerate you. GOD TOLD ME THIS IS THE LAW SO NOW IT IS.”

      Again, shitty analogy, but close.

      PS. Don’t really murder any puppies. I mean, I will still like you. But it’ll make me sad.


      • Andreas Heinakroon

        This is in reply to both Jim’s and Amy’s comments:

        I haven’t personally met a woman to whom an abortion is an easy decision. It seems to be a truly harrowing emotional experience that you’d only go through with if you feel the alternative would be even worse. If I had to make such a choice, I’d be really struggling. My point is, I doubt that abortions are being used as a popular after-the-fact contraceptive (unless you count those morning after pills as abortions, but they are more about preventing the conception to complete than aborting fetuses); they seem far to painful for that.

        I might be wrong, I don’t have any statistics to hand either, but my experience tells me otherwise.


        • lucysfootball

          I agree for the most part. But there are more than I’d like to know about, and they call the answering service every weekend and actually tell us about it. But yes, overall, OVERALL, people are making the decision, thinking it through, weighing the pros and cons, I think.


        • blogginglily

          I don’t think it’s something that comes up casually, or really even at all. Hey, Andreas, I’ve been meaning to mention. . . I couldn’t go bike riding last week cause I had an abortion. i didn’t want you to think I was avoiding you. . . I just had that to take care of and didn’t think it would feel good to ride a bike afterward.

          That said, I don’t think the idea of having an abortion, or the practical application is one that women enter into a protection-less sexual encounter planning for. I just think they are young, and dumb, and excited, and think. . . meh, can’t happen to me.

          In other words, I’m not suggesting in my comment that women are entering into the choice to get an abortion lightly. My comment is more related to the idea that they’re entering into having sex without protection lightly. The abortion then becomes the ONLY option to “fix the fuckup”.

          To put it another way. . . Young me. . . drunk off my ass. . . CHOOSES to drive home. I get in an accident and someone is killed. If I’d really believe that it would happen to me. . . I would have looked for a designated driver, but I was young, and drunk and not really mature enough, or in the right state of mind to make that decision. We’ve all made stupid decisions in our youth that have profound consequences (or COULD have profound consequences).

          (btw, the above didn’t really happen (to me)). So now put the young girl in the role of drunk driver. But instead of choosing to drive, it’s choosing to have sex. She and her boyfriend are hot and heavy.. . . no protection. . . screw it, he’ll pull out. . . it feels too good to STOP and be responsible. She gets pregnant. Abortion becomes her “get out of jail free” card. I’m just suggesting she doesn’t deserve that get out of jail free card because she already MADE the choice of what to do with her body. She chose unprotected sex. And now her decision (and you touched briefly on that, Amy) doesn’t JUST impact what to do with her body, it impacts what to do with an unborn child’s body. She chose unprotected sex, then chose to kill an unborn baby (depending on how you define “life” blah blah blah).

          I suggest that she already got to choose, but needs to live with the consequences. . . just like the drunk driver who kills his passenger or a pedestrian or whatever has to live with the consequences of what he’s done.

          Anyway. . . I still like you all.

          And I would never harm a puppy. Or a kitty.


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