Caution and danger, Will Robinson. I cuss all over this post like a drunken sailor on leave. I also talk about lady-bits, homosexuality, rape, politics, and Christianity. If you hate that, come back tomorrow, I’ll try not to use the eff-word so much, promise. Kisses! Love!
I know I don’t usually talk about SERIOUS THINGS here. For good reason. There are a lot of places where you can get your serious news. Like, oh, I don’t know, the newspaper. Or various blogs that talk about serious issues in serious tones with serious graphics and such. Sometimes they have charts. And graphs. With real statistics! That they didn’t make up out of nowhere! Mostly, I talk about fluff and things that make me laugh and things that make me stabby and make up words and put in photos of sad pandas and call it a day.
So if you want all that, please come back tomorrow, when we will go back to our regularly-scheduled tomfoolery and jackassery, and I will try to put in a couple of wacky photos I ganked from Google Images and make you laugh. I promise. I have some good shit coming up; it’s almost time to play with search engine terms again, and I have a very, very helpful advice column coming up this weekend full of NAUGHTINESS. So, yeah, those are coming. Today, though, this isn’t going to be funny, and if you’re only here for the funny, I do so apologize in advance.
This is Rick Santorum.
Rick Santorum is one of the four remaining Republican presidential candidates. The race for the Republican nomination has really been all over the board, but if I had to guess, I think it’ll probably end up between Gingrich and Romney. It could, possibly, go to Santorum, but I think the odds of that are slim. I think Ron Paul is out, though. He isn’t winning any of the primaries.
Rick Santorum hates a lot of things.
First and foremost, he hates those tricky sparkly rainbow-y gays. DUDE. Santorum could NOT HATE THE GAYS ANY HARDER IF HE TRIED. Some Santorum quotes about how he feels about homosexuality:
“Is anyone saying same-sex couples can’t love each other? I love my children. I love my friends, my brother. Heck, I even love my mother-in-law. Should we call these relationships marriage, too? Marriage is and always has been more than the acknowledgment of the love between two people.”
“I have a problem with homosexual acts…We have laws in states, like the one at the Supreme Court right now, that has sodomy laws and they were there for a purpose. Because, again, I would argue, they undermine the basic tenets of our society and the family. And if the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does…Every society in the history of man has upheld the institution of marriage as a bond between a man and a woman…In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.”
OK, so in these two quotes (and there are more, THERE ARE SO MANY MORE, I just picked these two from so, so many, please feel free to search and find your own example of Santorum hate speech if you’d like) he’s comparing homosexuality to marrying his brother and mother-in-law, pedophilia, and bestiality.
Now, unless you totally have been living under a rock, you know about Dan Savage and the fact that he took offense at these statements and took matters into his own hands – if Santorum was going to redefine homosexuality, Savage was going to redefine Santorum. And he did. And it is awesome. Santorum totally stompy-stomped and “make it STOP” and wanted Google to take that shit DOWN and “this is DAMAGING my presidential DWEAMS” and whatever. Listen, if you start something, you can’t just decide, in this day and age, you want it to stop. You made derogatory comments about at LEAST 10% of the population and then didn’t like how they reacted? Hmm. That’s funny. They didn’t like how you compared them to dog-fuckers, either, but I don’t see you apologizing for that, or retracting your statements, or asking Google to remove that search result.
So I already hated Santorum, because anyone who thinks things like this, and says them, OUT LOUD, is immediately probably a brain-dead moron who deserves to be set on fire in a pit full of poisonous vipers (also, you know the saying “Methinks the lady doth protest too much?” Well. Methinks. METHINKS.)
Then, Friday, this shit happened.
OK, Santorum – already on my shit list – is a crazy Christian. As mentioned, to the point of I should probably get a damn teeshirt, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH CHRISTIANITY. Just don’t shove it in my face. Or any religion, really. Or any belief system. You tend to your own test paper, I’ll tend to mine, and we’ll all be happy, in the end, minding our own business.
Santorum isn’t just a Christian. Santorum is a CRAZY Christian. Like, the kind who’s all “I’m RIGHT! You’re WRONG! Hellfire! BRIMSTONE! Gays bad! Sex bad! WOMEN BAD BAD BAD!”
He wants women to stay home with the children. He wants no sex outside of marriage. NONE. At ALL. Even boring, plain, vanilla-with-no-chocolate-sauce-or-nuts-sex.
And, of course, OF COURSE, he wants to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies.
Did you click the link above? I know you all pretty well. Probably you didn’t.
On Piers Morgan (when did Piers Morgan become a reputable news source? I find that humorous) Santorum explained that he was anti-abortion (we knew that, as I said, CRAZY CHRISTIAN) even in cases of rape. Because, and I totally quote, women that face such circumstances should “make the best out of a bad situation.”
“Well, you can make the argument that if she doesn’t have this baby, if she kills her child, that that, too, could ruin her life. And this is not an easy choice, I understand that. As horrible as the way that that son or daughter was created, it still is her child. And whether she has that child or she doesn’t, it will always be her child, and she will always know that. And so to embrace her and to love her and to support her and get her through this very difficult time, I’ve always, you know, I believe and I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created — in the sense of rape — but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you. As you know, we have to, in lots of different aspects of our life we have horrible things happen. I can’t think of anything more horrible, but nevertheless, we have to make the best out of a bad situation and I would make the argument that that is making the best.”
He also said that the decision to have a child born of rape was, for the mother – are you ready for this? – “They found that they had made what was really a lemon situation into lemonade.”
I’m going to say this in the most succinct, yet probably most vulgar, way, you’ve seen from me, possibly ever. Please prepare yourself. Also, earmuff your children. Or, eyemuff, I guess, it’s not like this is an audiobook.
Until you have a MOTHERFUCKING VAGINA and you have been FORCIBLY FUCKING RAPED and find yourself PREGNANT WITH THAT FUCKER’S CHILD you have NO FUCKING RIGHT to tell anyone what they can and cannot do with that baby.
I’m far from the only person who took offense at this. Twitter blew up; here are a few blogs that mentioned it, if you’d like to read some other, probably more-intelligent, comments on the situation. (I especially like “God is the shittiest gift-giver ever.”)
Listen. There are certain things that should not be in the purview of politics. Women’s bodies and what we choose to do with them are one of them. I sincerely don’t understand how this is a political issue. Because it isn’t. It’s two separate issues: it’s religious, one, and that’s not supposed to be allowed in politics (SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, WHY DOES THIS CONFUSE ANYONE) and two, it’s MEN attempting to keep WOMEN in their PLACE by putting fucking LAWS and RULES and REGULATIONS on what we can and can’t do with our own fucking bodies.
Let me reiterate what I said above, a little more descriptive-like.
You don’t have a vagina.
You don’t know what it’s like, probably (I mean, sure, there are some men who have been raped? In those cases, then, yes, I suppose you know what it’s like, and can sympathize – I certainly don’t mean to exclude men who have been raped, as it’s a horrible thing to happen to anyone, male or female, so yes, some men can relate, to some extent, but not to the extent of the pregnancy) to be forced into a sex act you do not want to participate in.
You don’t know what it’s like to carry that around, if you’re lucky enough to survive it. You don’t know what the weight of that’s like, in your chest and in your body and in your mind. You don’t know that you, for a very long time, sometimes, don’t feel like you’re lucky to have survived it, at all. You don’t know that you jump at shadows; you don’t know that you shy away from the touch of people who don’t want to harm you; you don’t know about the self-medicating and the self-harming and the self-recriminating. You don’t know what it’s like to be powerless, both during the act, and then after, for what feels like forever.
BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A FUCKING VAGINA AND YOU HAVEN’T FUCKING BEEN RAPED.
Then, well, look at this! What a lucky gift! A GIFT FROM GOD, right, Rick Santorum? You’re pregnant! With the rapist’s child!
You didn’t have a choice whether or not you wanted to participate in the act that created that child. Rick Santorum wants to make sure you CONTINUE to not have a choice; that you CONTINUE to be helpless; that your power CONTINUES to be out of your hands. Because men like Rick Santorum (and, hell, the rapist, too!) know what’s best. Just sit back, little lady. We got this. WE GOT THIS. This is a GIFT. From GOD. You just sit back and gestate. It’s your job. As a WOMAN. You had no choice THEN, you have no choice NOW. You had no voice then, and you sure as fuck have no voice now.
Make those lemons into lemonade, sweetie. It’s what you get for being born without a dick.
Now, listen. I’m not saying the opposite, either. I’m not advocating abortion. I am advocating choice. I am advocating that we should have the choice what we want to do with our bodies, as women. Because they are our bodies. OURS. We OWN them. We sure as hell don’t own a lot in this world, but our bodies are ours. And pieces of self-righteous shit like Rick Santorum shouldn’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do with mine. Since when does he get a say over my body? I don’t see him even tangentially involved with my life. Is he paying my bills? Is he genetically related to me (oh, my, please no)?
Is he God? Does he presume to know the will of God?
Here’s the thing. God created us all with free will. It’s mentioned in the Bible; it’s mentioned throughout popular literature. It’s one of the things that, hypothetically, God is supposed to love us all for the most; our ability to make our own choices. God did NOT create man to “free will” each OTHER when it comes to morality. I’m pretty sure THAT shit’s not in the Bible. OR IS IT, Santorum? Point it out to me, buddy. No, seriously. I’m waiting.
Rick Santorum: until you have been forcibly raped, you don’t get to tell a victim of a fucking CRIME how they can and can’t deal with the aftermath of that crime. YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT. If I saw you on the street right now, I’m pretty sure I’d be one of those loonies who’d get all red in the face and spitty and screamy. I’m so furious about this I can’t even deal.
So listen. I personally don’t know many Republicans? But if anyone who actually IS a Republican has gotten this far in this post? Please, as a personal favor to me, when it comes time to vote in your primary, vote for one of the other guys. I know the odds are slim that Santorum stands a chance, but I want him to LOSE. MISERABLY. I want him to WEEP. I want him to cry out “WHY GOD WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR MOST FAITHFUL SERVANT.” And I want God to reply: “Hey, Santorum: I created women in My image, too, you piece of judgmental shit. And I was getting really sick of you putting words in My mouth.”
Alright. Rant over. I promise to be twice as funny tomorrow. No, shit, wait, I don’t promise that, I can’t make promises I can’t possibly keep. I WILL TRY TO BE FUNNIER TOMORROW.
Be nice to each other, ok? Well, except Santorum. You all have my total and complete permission to be as mean to Santorum as you’d like.