I’m totally still dying and it’s annoying the shit out of me.
No, seriously, this is like the second DAY of death, and also I was dying a little on Monday, so like the 2.5th day of death. THAT’S WAY TOO MUCH DEATH. I didn’t even go to work today. I got up with every intention of going to work? But then I walked around the apartment for approximately twenty minutes, realized I was probably going to throw up if I remained that far from the ground (or a couch or a bed, I’m not overly choosy, the bathroom floor will also do) and called in to work. Which will probably cause a tizzy but seriously, if I went in today, THERE WOULD BE VOMITING AT WORK. This is not something I am keen on. Things I don’t like to do at work where people might know I’m doing them: throw up or cry. Neither of these things are anyone’s business and there’s no way you can do either of these things and come out of them looking like a superstar. And I only like to do things where I look like a superstar, I mean, seriously, come on. Who doesn’t?
So I stayed home and went back to sleep. And here is a dream I had that I was convinced was true and when I woke up and it wasn’t, I was sad. I dreamed that Ewan McGregor started following me on Twitter and we became friends and were chatting and I told my friend Mer, because we both love him, and the two of us were super-excited about this very celebrity turn of events in my life, only then I woke up and I no longer had a hot Scottish actor BFF and also still had a stomach bug so that was a total letdown.
Anyway, so I planned on sleeping all day to make this effing stomach bug just run away or something because I have totally had enough already, I have NO PATIENCE OR TIME FOR SICKNESS, but apparently I also have no patience or time to be lady-of-the-manoring around in my bed at all hours because after about 10am I woke up and was NOT ABLE to fall back to sleep, no matter what. This is how I know I am old. Remember back in college, when you could seriously sleep all day? I remember some days, waking up at 4pm, eating a combination breakfast/lunch/dinner thing, then going out drinking. I don’t think that’s a possibility anymore, is it? When you’re old, your body’s all “Get up, lazyass, there’s SUN in the WINDOW. What the hell is WRONG with you. Do you think you’re FANCY?” And, no. No, I don’t think I’m fancy. Just sick.
Also, I have two meetings tonight at the theater that I am NOT missing. Even if I have to attend them, sit really far away from everyone, be super-careful not to breathe on anyone, and also sometimes run into the bathroom all “sorry sorry sorry CARRY ON” in the middle of them. So I THOUGHT if I slept all day I could make the evil stomach bug leave out of boredom or something but that’s a no-go.
OK, so ANYWAY, since I’m already in a bitch of a mood and also kind of feel like vomiting, let’s talk about two things that totally piss me off. Ready? OF COURSE YOU ARE SLAPPY.
Stop Effing with Cookies and Children, You Morons
OK, so it’s Girl Scout cookie time. You all know what that means, right? Overpriced cookies in teeny-tiny boxes that are TOTALLY EFFING DELICIOUS. Seriously, ZOMG. I mean, I can’t eat cookies anymore, due to health issues and such, but back in the day, I’m pretty sure I could have eaten an entire box in one sitting. Not that I would have. NO NOT ME.
So back in October in Colorado, a seven-year-old transgender boy named Bobby wanted to join the Girl Scouts. Bobby has identified as female since he was two. His parents, who sound totally savvy and I kind of love them, are accepting of this, and identify him as female (I would, also, identify him as female throughout this diatribe, but it would make for confusion, writing-wise. Please know that I totally accept his identification as female, and, in any other writing situation where it would not be confusing, identify him with his chosen pronoun.)
The local Girl Scout troop leader, some woman named Mary, was all “NO DICKS IN MY SCOUTS” and wouldn’t let him join. (Yeah, I made that quote up. I think she was all “he has boy parts.” Same thing. Mine was funnier. Also, Mary, you’re a dick.)
The Girl Scouts themselves, when informed of this situation, gave their official stance, which was “Girl Scouts is an inclusive organization and we accept all girls in Kindergarten through 12th grade as members. If a child identifies as a girl and the child’s family presents her as a girl, Girl Scouts of Colorado welcomes her as a Girl Scout.”
This totally rocks, Girl Scouts. Seriously. This is progressive, and this is kind, and this embodies the Girl Scouts, to me. Inclusiveness, and accepting each other, and working together.
However! Then we get this stellar example of youth in America. I refuse to put the actual video on my blog because this girl makes me want to punch her in the snobby little mouth.
First off, COULD SHE BE ANY MORE FULL OF HERSELF WITH THE TOTAL SNOBBINESS. She’s totally going to get her ass kicked at some point for the attitude. Also, I don’t think any transgender children would want anything to do with her. Because she’s a total little snot. Also, this isn’t all on her. How old is this child? I’m awful with ages. Like, 14? Something like that? Someone’s fed her all this shit and she, being 14 or whatever, has swallowed it down. Listen, when I was 14? I thought a LOT of things that my parents wanted me to think that I now know are not only incorrect, but downright full of moral turpitude.
The way she says “QUOTE” reminds me of the way Dwight Schrute says “QUESTION.” She’s got some hard times ahead of her, methinks.
Anyway, so this little snotty-snot is all “do not buy Girl Scout cookies to teach them a lesson because I don’t want to share a tent with a transgender child because I wouldn’t feel safe QUOTE.”
Here’s the scoop, sunshine. The transgendered kids in question here? ARE GIRLS. Do they have penises? Yep. Until they have surgery, if they indeed choose to have the surgery, sure they do. They don’t WANT to have sex with you. I mean, the minute you’d say “QUOTE” no one would, let’s be frank, but they don’t want to have sex with any of the Girl Scouts. Unless maybe they’re a lesbian, and then they might have a crush on one or another of the Girl Scouts. Again, probably not you, Dwight Schrute. But you’re just as safe with that girl in your tent as you are with any of the other Girl Scouts. And the fact that you think otherwise makes me sad for you, and sad for your parents for either feeding you that bullshit, or allowing you to continue to believe that bullshit.
I want you to think, baby Dwight Schrute, just for a second, about how hard it is for a transgendered child. Who is in the wrong body. Who identifies as female, but has a penis. Every day is a frigging struggle. What bathroom they can enter. What people they can be friends with. What toys they can play with. What clothes they can wear; how they can wear their hair, how people treat them, as if they are bad, wrong, an affront to nature itself – AND THEY ARE CHILDREN. If they want to join the ever-loving Girl Scouts – I mean, what are you DOING there, naked pillow fights, for the love of Pete? NO YOU ARE NOT, you are making crafts for county fairs and selling cookies and talking about your feelings and sewing patches onto your sashes and shit – WHO THE FUCK CARES. It’s a small thing you can do to make someone feel more included, to make their lives a little more bearable and a little less lonely. You’d deny them that? Really? According to a 2006 poll, 33.6% of transgendered teens have attempted suicide. THIRTY-THREE POINT SIX PERCENT. You can help, just a little bit with that, by giving them a place they feel accepted and safe and loved, but instead, you spew a hate video all over the internet. Stellar work, young lady. Just stellar.
So yeah. Buy Girl Scout cookies, if they’re your thing. Because the Girl Scouts, kind of quietly, without a lot of fuss, are completely cool with allowing transgendered children into their group, and transgendered children are at risk, and you know what? THEY’RE STILL CHILDREN. Even if they have “boy parts” ew ew ew. Children. CHILDREN, you guys. Come the hell on. We’re going to let children down? Really? Also, Girl Scout cookies are like effing crack, seriously. Those Thin Mints are AMAZING.
Blah blah blah YOU ALL ALREADY KNOW THIS blah blah blah
So it’s SOPA/PIPA blackout day. And, as you can see, I didn’t do it. Here’s the thing: I probably SHOULD. And I know there are people who are totally disappointed in me that I didn’t.
I stand BESIDE the people who blacked out for SOPA and PIPA but didn’t black out for SOPA and PIPA because, honestly, I don’t do shit I should when I should do it. Like recycle. Or watch well-reviewed foreign films in a timely fashion. Because I feel like someone’s telling me “You’re a bad person if you don’t do this.” And that makes me dig in my heels like a donkey. Which is counterproductive. I get that. It’s a constant internal struggle, what can I say.
So anyway. In case you live under a rock: SOPA (Stop Internet Piracy Act) and PIPA (Protect IP Act) are bad news. They want to censor the web; they would be time-consuming for businesses, and could stifle innovation; and, best of all, they actually WOULDN’T STOP PIRACY. Pretty much, here’s the thing. You know how we all hate Big Brother? (OK, I mean, I assume you all hate Big Brother. Unless you ARE Big Brother. In which case, you’re reading my blog in in order to write info down about me for my file, aren’t you? Dammit. Cut that out, you.) They’re Big Brother, you guys. And if you piss Him off, you’re gone. And your blog would be gone. And your internet provider could, hypothetically, stop providing you with internet access. FOR DOING WHAT YOU’VE BEEN DOING ALL ALONG. Just piss off one wrong person, and you’re done. Listen, I love my country. I know that makes me an optimistic weirdo and I’m like one of the seven people left within the borders who is just crazy in love with MERKA but I totally do. I don’t want it to become a police state of insanity and people watching everything that comes out of my mouth. They’re comparing these acts to the way the internet is monitored in China, you guys. Seriously. I’m currently reading a book about what it’s like to live in China. You are MONITORED when you’re on the internet. By the GOVERNMENT. And if they don’t like what you do? Sometimes? You disappear.
So, for those of you who are assholes like me and become stubborn mules about blacking things out and can’t imagine staying off Twitter or Facebook for 24 hours or maybe your head would explode: read a little more about them here, sign a petition here, see a list of the websites that are against the acts here so you know it’s not just a big old fakey-fake, and contact your congresspeople and senators and tell them you’re not interested in living in 1984 since it’s 2012 (see what I did there? FANCY. Also, there’s a good chance, were these to pass, I’d probably get put in thumbscrews for that comment. I’m being sarcastic. OR AM I.)
I’m going to drink some beverages and eat some popsicles and watch some daytime TV now. Is Judge Judy on? I think you have to watch that when you’re sick, don’t you? Does she still tell people not to piss on her leg and tell her it’s raining? If she doesn’t, I’m so lodging a complaint or something. ZOMG SIDE NOTE. My dad’s cable company changed his on-screen channel guide so it’s smaller and has a different font and color and he HATES it? So he was all, “AMY. I EMAILED them. I told them I WOULD NOT HAVE THIS. How DARE they change my channel guide. I can barely SEE it. That taught THEM a lesson.” And I said, “Um…and what happened?” And he said “They RESPONDED and used my NAME so you know it was a real letter and said they would take my response VERY SERIOUSLY” and I said, “You know that was a form letter, right, Dad?” and he said, “No, they used my NAME, it couldn’t have been.” So I stopped arguing, because how cute is it he thinks he made a little rabble-rousey difference? Aw.