Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day! I am on VACATION. I get one more vacation day, and I am using it like a BOSS. So far, I have eaten breakfast, and now I’m slumping around in my pajamas and writing. BUT NO! I totally have further plans. I got invited to join Pinterest today? So that probably’s going to consume me, it seems to consume everyone else who’s joined it. AND I have the final episode of this season’s Sherlock to watch, thanks to my super-secret Sherlock hookup who I won’t tell you about because it’s totally illegal but the things we do for love, right? AND I’M TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH. And I need to watch last night’s The Good Wife, because instead of watching it like I should have, I watched The Golden Globes, which were totally a hot mess that I wasted three hours on. The only things that were worth my time were Peter Dinklage and Jessica Lange winning, and this clip happening when Morgan Freeman won his Cecil B. DeMille award:
This is the best thing that happened all night. Well, also Ewan McGregor was just delicious. I mean, I’m pretty sure the man couldn’t get more handsome if he TRIED. Yowza.
Anyway, so we need to talk about something totally important that I found online that is very worrisome.
I’m pretty sure aliens or maybe robots are taking over wikiHow.
I found this on wikiHow the other day, not on PURPOSE, but when I was researching another post (I think it was that one last week about dating advice, or something) and when I read it, here were my thoughts:
- What the hell.
- Who needs someone to spell out how to do this?
- This just HAPPENS. You don’t need TIPS on this.
- ZOMG ALIENS. ALIENS would need tips on this. OR MAYBE ROBOTS.
(YES, this is how my brain works. Are you totally excited about seeing how my brain works? I thought you might be. Or, wait, are you calling the men in the white coats now? Please don’t. I don’t think I’d fit in well at the mental institution. I’d be the worst at being medicated, and the food there seems really bland. Although I do hear there’s pudding. Who doesn’t like pudding?)
Let’s look at this article, because I’m pretty sure we need to defend ourselves against these robot aliens that are infiltrating our dating pool as we speak.
So, first. “How to Fall in Love.” Well! That’s nice and not-at-all a tip-off that this was written by an alien or a robot. Because you need to PLAN falling in love! You don’t just FALL in love. You have to plot it and work at it. It’s like a JOB. Good.
- Meet a lot of people. Aliens and robots want to meet a lot of people. Probably so they can perform experiments on humans or whatever. Or, wait, “fall in love” with us. OK. Also, “The person you love will most likely be your best friend or someone that you have known for a while.” Oh, so the aliens and robots are taking cues from romantic comedies. That always works out for everyone! Good job, aliens and robots! And, “try hard not to fall in ‘love at first sight’ – it’s romantic, but it isn’t very smart.” See, this is how you KNOW it’s aliens and robots without human feelings, because who puts “love” and “smart” in the same sentence? Love isn’t SMART. It’s usually very STUPID. It’s fun and it’s awesome and it’s butterflies and shit, but it’s not always the most intellectual of pursuits. Come ON, aliens and robots. Try harder.
- Give it time. The aliens and robots have NOTHING BUT TIME. They’re here on Earth to STAY. They want to colonize our Earth with little alien-robot-human baby HYBRIDS. So they’re patient. They’ll wait. They’ll watch. They’ll observe. Quietly. From corners. With their creepy alien robot eyes. This step also says to “be friendly and open to everyone you meet.” Aliens and robots! That’s called “being a slut.” You don’t want to get an intergalactic reputation, now do you? NOW DO YOU? Plus, you’ll totally get crabs.
- “Read” the person. You’ve found your prey…I mean your POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST, alien or robot. “Watch for signals, body language, catching him or her looking at you, etc.” Watch them. WATCH THEM. Stare at them. For long, extended periods of time. Are they staring back? Are they mouthing “What the efffff?” to their friends? That’s good. That means they LOVE you, aliens and robots. Time to set your phasers to stun.
- Take the plunge. No, not into water, robots, CALM DOWN, I know that would make you short-circuit, IT’S A METAPHORICAL PLUNGE. Oh, yeah, I guess you, too, aliens, if you’re the aliens from Signs that were all water-averse, too. It’s not a real plunge. Please don’t annihilate my planet because the wikiHow foolishly used a water metaphor. “Ask him or her out. Don’t worry that you will be turned down – and never allow yourself to be intimidated by extreme beauty or social status.” Never? So, the aliens or robots should ask out, say, oh, I don’t know, Mila Kunis? She looked totally luminous at the Golden Globes last night. NEVER ALLOW IT, this says. OK, well, I guess if you’re an alien or a robot, you could ask anyone out. If they say no, you could probably enter their house in the middle of the night and probe them or something. “If s/he seems interested in you despite the fact that you consider yourself ordinary while you consider him or her extraordinary, remember that you are a worthy person with much to offer. It’s no big wonder that s/he would find you interesting, fun, and attractive!” You can tell aliens and robots wrote this because it says “it’s no big wonder.” WHO TALKS LIKE THAT. No one. Someone who’s attempting English as a first language and failing. Miserably. “Remember everyone is unique and so are you.” ESPECIALLY YOU, aliens and robots. ESPECIALLY YOU.
- Open yourself to love. No, this doesn’t mean show them your motherboard, robots. Come on, save something for the third date. We have very stringent sex and dating rules here on Earth. “Share your heart, your dreams, your fears.” You know who loves to hear all your fears? The person you’re dating. Like, they love to hear them for HOURS. Aliens, probably this applies to you the most. Tell them for HOURS ON END about how you’re totally afraid that the third sun over your home planet will burn out, leaving your planet cold and desolate. THIS WILL MAKE THEM LOVE YOU MORE. “Holding back at this stage will only result in many tears and the erection of barriers that may never fall – allow yourself to open up and be vulnerable and transparent.” HEE HEE ERECTION. “This is the only way to find out for sure if the person you are falling in love with can be trusted with your most valuable resource: your heart. Let him/her know who you actually are.” Aliens and robots: your most valuable resource is YOUR HEART. Not our water supply or our wombs that you’ve come here to obtain. YOUR HEART. Or, I guess, aliens, your multiple many-chambered green hearts, and robots, your battery. Also, I feel like maybe this is backward. The only way to find out if you can trust someone with your heart is to…give them your heart? Um. How about you give them something small first. Like, your Price Chopper savings card. Then, a week later, ask them, “Do you still have that Price Chopper savings card I let you hold onto for me?” and if they do, maybe move up to something more valuable, like a lip gloss, but your heart seems like you’re giving away something shatterable pretty early on, no? Oh, crap, I’m not thinking about this like an alien or a robot, I’m thinking about this like a HUMAN. My fault, sorry.
- Give yourself fully, receive wholeheartedly. Um, this whole step is very confusing? Because it goes into this whole thing about how Peter Pan realizes he is loved by Wendy in the 2003 movie. There was a 2003 Peter Pan movie? Where, on the alien planet? I don’t know about this. I mean, I’m not a Peter Pan scholar, but I think I would have heard about it. Also? Peter Pan didn’t care if he was loved by Wendy, because Peter Pan was eternally a little boy, and poor Wendy was always throwing good love after bad at him. ALIENS AND ROBOTS. Stop trying to parse our cultural tropes. You’re doing it wrong. Also, this stellar sentence is in this section: “The one you love has much invested in being The One to answer your prayers, to heal your hurts, to make a huge difference in your life.” Things that make me want to stab a sack of kittens here, aliens and robots: “The One,” “answer your prayers,” “heal your hurts.” There is no “one,” and you need to be able to do these things FOR YOURSELF. You can’t rely on someone else to do these things FOR YOU. Aliens and robots! I’m pretty sure whoever you enslaved to write this for you has been watching too many sappy 70s Love Story-style movies. You should probably disembowel them now.
- Tell your love that you are in love. JUST LIKE THAT, too. All stilted-like. “MY LOVE I AM IN LOVE.” That won’t tip them off that they’re in the presence of a robot or alien AT ALL. Also, this step says you can’t say “I love you” but that you HAVE to say, “I am in love with you” or it doesn’t work. Like it’s a passcode to get into a mystery cave, or something. The mystery cave is a euphemism. In case you were wondering. I thought you might be. Well! I’m glad I know this. This is also a good tip for humans. If you’re dating someone who seems a little alien or robotic, and they come up to you one day all “I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU” probably they read this wikiHow, and also want to have alien or robot babies with you. Just a warning.
- Defend the honor of your love. AWESOME. This is where we get to the dueling portion of the wikiHow. This step says not to make jokes about “your love” (from this point forward, the wikiHow calls the person you’ve snagged “your love” as if this is Elizabethan England and seriously, I’m totally going to vomit) and also, if someone tells you they’re cheating, don’t believe that person, ONLY BELIEVE YOUR LOVE. I mean, that makes sense. Who would cheat on a robot or an alien? Unless they wanted to be laser-murdered or something.
- Do nothing to compromise trust. Best sentence in this section: “Don’t do anything that even looks funky.” What about the Funky Chicken? SHIT. Also, this step’s going to be hard for aliens and robots, who, I assume, are often going to be talking into intergalactic communicators and nipping off to plot with co-conspirators to take over the world and such. Shit shit SHIT.
- Believe in your love. (puke) The gist of this is that you should never threaten to break up with “your love” because that’s rude. I don’t think that’s an issue for the aliens or robots. I’m pretty sure at this point in the game, the aliens and robots will have you tied in the basement gestating their alien robot babies or something.
- Do something every day to make your love’s life worth living. WHAT THE HELL. Why are the aliens and robots dating someone whose life is SO BAD they don’t have anything in their lives worth living for except whatever stupid thing the aliens and robots do for them every day, like make them pancakes or some such shit? Aliens and robots! You are choosing people with totally low self-esteem! I think you can do better. You know who seems totally filled with self-worth? Kate Winslet. She ran into a burning building recently to save someone’s grandmother. She’d be a good mate. Don’t worry if she turns you down: remember that step up there that said that said NO ONE IS BETTER THAN YOU. (Also, this step says to “mend his favorite shirt.” Screw that, he can buy a new damn shirt. I’m not mending shit. Aliens and robots, you shouldn’t, either. Or, “bring him orange juice” or constantly text him those stabbifying “<3” things. Don’t do this, aliens and robots! It’s not going to end well, I promise.)
- Celebrate! I think the only sentence in this step that bears repeating is “hold on tight and never let go.” NEVER EVER EVER. Not with your robot-grip or your alien-pincher. NEVER.
- Fall in love for the right reasons. OK, so this is the final proof we have that this was written by and for aliens. Because it says to NEVER fall in love based on physical or sexual attraction. Because you know what’s totally clinical and you’re totally able to separate it from hormones? Love. It’s like being in a doctor’s office. No sparks! Cold! Analytical! (Not THOSE kind of sparks. Put away the taser, Gkluntak the Punisher from Planet Xortax.)
Helpfully enough, there is also a wikiHow for “how to fall OUT of love” which I will go into another day, because this is already much too long and I am tired.
Aliens and robots! WE ARE ON TO YOU. We know what to look out for, now. YOU CANNOT FOOL US with your “I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU MY LOVE” and your constant fetchery of glasses of orange juice and shirt-mending.
Earth triumphs! EARTH TRIUMPHS! Aren’t you so glad I noticed this article? I mean, imagine if I hadn’t. OH THE HORROR. Alien robot babies! Dogs and cats! Living together! Mass hysteria!