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“What’s he like?” “God? Lonely. But funny. He’s got a great sense of humor.”

I’m going to talk about football a little. Also God. How many people can I piss off today? ALL THE PEOPLE.

And, heads-up, this might have a lot of errors in it. Because I know NOTHING about sports. So if you want to be a total douchecanoe and be all “I AM A TIM TEBOW FACTOTUM AND CAN PUNCH A MILLION HOLES IN THIS,” you know what? Aren’t you stellar and fancy with way-too-much free time. I will admit I did about an hour’s research into this. Because more than that seemed like overkill, and it’s not like I’m getting paid for this? But you know what, if you want to send me links to articles disproving this or that or whatever, four for you, Glen Coco, you go, Glen Coco.

So because I avoid sports as if they were hatchet-wielding serial killers, I had no idea who this “Tebow” person was that everyone was yammering about. The only knowledge of him I had was a random skit I saw about him on Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago where Jesus showed up in the locker room and told him to tone it down so I assumed he was a Jesus freak of some sort but I didn’t research it because a., sports of all kinds, but especially football, give me a migraine, and b., pretty much anything religion-oriented guarantees I run the other way screaming.

But last night the internet BLEW UP with sports nonsense so I thought, I will research this because I am curious like that dead cat.

I’m not going to go into details, because I assume most of you already know who Tim Tebow is and what his deal is and such and I’m probably the last person who didn’t. Here, briefly, are my thoughts on the matter, if you care, and you probably don’t, but I’m going to tell you ANYWAY, I’m just that full of myself, so there.

  • He’s TWENTY-FOUR. He’s a BABY. Cut him a little slack. He’ll get kicked in the teeth by life a little eventually, as we all do, and then we’ll all forget about him. We were all optimistic 24-year-olds once, too. Well, I assume we all were. Some of you might be robots, I don’t know your lives.
  • If he wants to pray, well, I mean, I wouldn’t, and I think I’d do it privately, if I were to do it at all, but if that’s his thing, whatever. And I’m a total heathen. This seems to be pissing a lot of people off. Is it because he’s doing it in public? I’m not being snarky, I’m genuinely curious.
  • Dear Tim Tebow, I have nothing against you, but to choose to star in Focus on the Family ads is a HUGE EFFING MISTAKE. They are an organization with an agenda of hatred against women and homosexuals. I know your ad was not about specifically about hatred, but the subtext was pro-life, and you don’t get to make that choice for anyone, especially since you make such a huge deal about being a virgin and also you don’t have a vagina. That I know of. Please research things a little more before getting involved.
  • He seems to be very good at football. Good for him. And he seems to be, overall, Focus on the Family ads notwithstanding, mistakes are made when you’re 24, a decent kid. I have no major beef with Tebow. I may have missed something in my research. Did he say we’re all going to hell except his family, or something? I’m open to discussion on this matter.

Anyway, so that’s my Tim Tebow research in a nutshell. He’s a football player who likes God and doesn’t have sex and is very open about it and this makes people talk about him a lot because that’s unlike, oh, I don’t know, ALL the football players. OK. Fine.

HERE’S THE THING THAT I FOUND THAT IS INSANE. Ready?

So Fox Sports Florida did a poll  (yes, I know that link isn’t directly to Fox, I don’t approve of anything Fox-related, well, except real foxes, they rule, with their red fur and all, and also snow foxes, those are awesome, once I saw some at the zoo and they were totally frolicking, but I didn’t want to talk about something without any backup because that makes you look like you made it up, but I didn’t want to link directly to anything Fox related, either. This is a happy medium) and asked 1,076 people if they were aware of Tim Tebow and his success. Of people who responded yes to that, they asked, “Do you believe that any of Tim Tebow’s success can be attributed to Divine Intervention?” 756 people answered that question.

43% of respondents said that yes, they thought that God was responsible for Tebow’s success.

FORTY-THREE PERCENT OF THOSE POLLED.

I know that’s not the majority, I know that. But 43% of people think that GOD HIM OR HER OR ITSELF has a STAKE in AMERICAN FOOTBALL GAMES.

I don’t even know what to say about this.

Oh, wait. Yes. Yes, I do know what to say about this.

Now, listen. I’m not going to go too far into my personal belief system, because it is none of your business, and, unlike people who pray on the football field, what I do or do not believe does not have to be done in public (also, not to be mean, but I’m pretty sure there’s a whole effing Bible PASSAGE about praying privately being more Godly than praying publicly, right? Matthew 6:6? Again, not my intention to excoriate Tim Tebow. I have nothing against the kid.) I believe in something. I am not arrogant enough to know what it is; I am not arrogant enough to know what the master plan is. I think there are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. (That makes me look like I worship at the church of Shakespeare. I might, a little. I won’t deny that allegation.)

If it matters at all, here’s my favorite cinematic God:

But, even for my wishy-washy I-don’t-know’s, I do know this:

God, if he/she/it does, indeed, exist, DOES NOT DETERMINE THE OUTCOME OF SPORTING EVENTS BECAUSE ONE OF THE PLAYERS PRAYS OPENLY TO HIM/HER/IT.

Seriously, think about this. Think about all the people praying to God right now for things. Think of the moms praying over their children’s bedsides as their children are dying of cancer. Think of the devastation of war. Think of the devastation of natural disasters. The smaller things: children praying their fathers won’t hit them anymore, their mothers won’t drink anymore, their neighbors won’t abuse them when no one’s looking anymore.

THESE THINGS STILL HAPPEN WHETHER YOU PRAY TO GOD FOR THEM OR NOT.

But God, in his/her/its infinite wisdom, is IGNORING all these major prayers, and listening to Tim Tebow, and, what, taking a Roman holiday every time the kid has a football game in order to swing the game his way?

What the hell is wrong with the 43% of you who thought this was the right answer to this question?

It’s a sporting event. The outcome is determined by chance and skill and a million other factors. Could one of those factors be divine intervention? Sure. Sure it could. Again, I’m not arrogant enough to know the mind of the universe. But I’d like to think it’s not. I HAVE to think it’s not. Because if God (or who/whatever) is spending precious time making sure Tim Tebow’s team is winning games and ignoring the prayers of bullied, suicidal teens, or burn victims, or women who are getting raped just for daring to be female in other countries (and, sadly enough, sometimes even here)?

That’s a Divine Creator who is a complete and total asshole, and who has dropped the ball (sports metaphor apt, if not intended when written), and most likely lost his/her/its mind.

And is Tebow praying for a win? I didn’t research that part of it too hard. Or is he just saying a prayer both pre- and post-games? I mean, sure, he MIGHT be praying “please let me win” and “thank you for the win,” but if he was brought up in a Christian household, as I was, and all signs point to him being so, unless it’s all a massive government coverup, I don’t know, he would have been taught the same thing I was – God’s not a magic genie in a bottle, and you don’t get to ask him/her/it to grant wishes. I mean, you CAN. But it’s stupid, and it’s small of you to try.

Now, according to the interwebs, the Broncos lost last night, so they’re not going to the Superbowl this year. Does that mean God was MAD at Tebow last night? Does that mean that God is a Patriots fan? Does that mean that God likes Tom Brady more than Tim Tebow? PLEASE, 43%, tell me what God was THINKING.

My thoughts (much like Mary Katherine Gallagher’s) on God’s involvement in the mundane day-to-day of our lives can be summed up in this Saturday Night Live skit entitled “Don’t Pray So Much” which I would embed but either WordPress or Hulu’s being an asshole about it. I know you hate clicking, but it’s really worth it. It’s the best thing.

Seriously, “Prayers like, ‘please don’t let the rice get sticky,’ do you really need my help with things like that?” gets me EVERY DAMN TIME. I miss you, Phil Hartman.

Did I piss a bunch of you off? Sorry. OK, here’s my final thought on religion, then I’ll go:

OK. That’s heavy-enough shit for the day, right? I’m going to a play today about people being horrible to one another, then I’m going grocery shopping. Oh, also I’m going to buy some whipped-cream vodka so I can get drunk on Twitter with @lgalaviz and @whoremongers. IT IS ONE HOT DAY YOU GUYS. Metaphorically hot. Not actually hot. It’s actually like 7 degrees here today. SO EFFING COLD.

Maybe I should pray to God that it warms up. That should work, right? Right. GOD LOVES THAT.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

21 responses to ““What’s he like?” “God? Lonely. But funny. He’s got a great sense of humor.”

  • renni

    Never cared for that particular opiate. Just not for me.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Once I was old enough to make up my own mind – me either. Without going too far into it, what really turned me against attending the Catholic church – which was the faith in which I was raised – was their stance on women in the clergy, priests marrying, and homosexuality. If they ever re-evaluated those tenets, I might consider attending again, as I have nothing against the faith itself, and actually miss the ceremony of it all.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I’ll have you know that I’m NOT a robot! That’s just a rumour, and an unsubstantiated one at that!

    Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    So, I was having lunch with my sister, my mom and her husband one day last month and this is what it was like, “A Methodist, a Jehovah’s Witness and two Baptists walk into a bar…” I live in dicey religious waters. I am cool with people having their own take on things, but within my family I suspect I would also be voted “most likely to go to Hell.” I am with you on Tebow, and am not a lot more knowledgeable than you about the kid because football makes me itchy. I am in favor of prayer and corporate worship. I am opposed to anything (political stands, religious doctrine, rabies) that makes people lose their minds and start foaming at the mouth. Passion, yes. Insanity, no. I just wish I knew the punchline to the joke.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Agreed on the passion vs. insanity, absolutely. Passion is always ok with me, but when passion spills over into thinking everyone needs to share the same passion, or they’re wrong or flawed in some way, that’s insanity to me, and makes me so angry. If everyone just let everyone else do their thing, and we all just realized we’re trying to do out best, I think the world would be a better place. Under my glass-half-empty-ness there’s a raging optimist, I think.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Religious people tend not to think much about things. I think that’s probably one of the lures of religion – you get a ‘Get out of having to have a single rational thought’-card. Which is probably why less intelligent people tend to be more religious: http://heinakroon.com/2010/04/05/why-are-religious-people-less-intelligent/ (Sorry for the plug! I’m shameless, I really am.)

    P.S. I love that penis/religion comparison!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      That’s an interesting post. I really need to go back and read your old entries from the (sob! sad!) time before I knew you.

      I have to wonder – I was somewhat religious before I went out on my own and started higher education, then I moved away from it, for various reasons (mostly because I had so many ideological differences from the Catholic church, which was my religion of choice, that I couldn’t continue to attend services there, as I described under Renni’s comment.) I don’t know if it was the higher education, the self-education on myself and my beliefs on social issues, the moving out on my own – but it’s an interesting thing to contemplate, why I moved away from organized religion.

      Also, does it surprise you I have that “Religion is like a penis” thing prominently displayed in my house and have for some time? I bet not. :)

      Like

    • lynnettedobberpuhl

      Hmm. I am not sure how you are defining “religious person,” and I see you aren’t saying “all religious persons,” but my two cents are that I am a person of faith, and I think about EVERYTHING quite possibly TOO MUCH. The people I roll with think questioning is a healthy part of faith and life, and that respect of others is indispensable. I score “reasonably intelligent” on most scales, better on some. Maybe if we took the converse of your first sentence: “People who don’t think much about things tend to be more religious,” I would be more in agreement.

      Like

  • Unconfirmed Bachelorette

    Brilliant post. The fact that we are aligned on all the issues you write about may have influenced me some. But even aside from that, truly brilliant.

    Like you, the only thing I knew about Tebow was from the SNL skit. Now I know he’s a virgin, too. Yes, he’s young. But he also seems to be a little whack. A 24-year-old virgin? That only happens in movies, I thought. Oh wait, that guy was 40. But still.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t know if I could ever hear enough “brilliant posts!” in my life. Thank you! :)

      I’m hearing from a lot of people today they know nothing about Tebow. I think this just means I tend to associate with people who know nothing about sports. And that’s how I like it – I don’t know how to relate to sports people! What would we talk about? I don’t know the terminology!

      Like

  • kitchenmudge

    For when the One Great Scorer comes
    To write against your name,
    He marks-not that you won or lost-
    But how you played the game.

    Grantland Rice, “Alumunus Football,” Only the Brave and Other Poems, p. 144 (1941)

    There was a time, long ago, when college football didn’t have money in it and the sport might have actually done something to build character. It disappeared with the horse & buggy, I suppose.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      That’s how I feel about baseball. I have such respect for how baseball used to be – so dignified, so stately, such grace. It’s all steroids and money now, and that makes me sad.

      Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    I find it somewhat odd how many people are so “anti-Tebow”. I agree with you on so many points – he’s young, but he’s totally sincere. He seems like a way nicer person than most other NFL players you read about (those guys who are arrested for dealing drugs, rape, domestic violence, theft, MURDER, etc). So what if he says “thank you” to his god? From what I read, that’s all he’s doing – saying thanks for the opportunity to play. He isn’t praying to win. He talks all the time about how this is just a GAME. And did you know that for every home game he flies in a seriously ill child & his/her family and talks to the kid RIGHT before the game, and goes out with them IMMEDIATELY after the game (win or lose), because he says those kids totally inspire him, and he wants to thank them. They remind him that it is Just A Game. Sounds like a pretty hip dude, to me.

    Oh, and lots of other players point up to heaven after scoring, or cross themselves. One even does a Namaste bow every time he scores. I say, more power to ’em! I’d rather see that than the totally arrogant “look at meeeee” prancing so many other guys do.

    Wow. Long comment. I blame the recently consumed coffee.

    Thanks for writing such a great blog! I read it every day!! :-)

    Like

  • Elizabeth Snell (@me_mumstheword)

    So, not that this has a lot (or maybe anything?) to do with your post (which I enjoyed, by the way), but I thought you might find this an amusing anecdote. I am an athiest. My kids know this, but I don’t make a big deal out of it and I let them know they are free to believe whatever they want. I was having a conversation about god with my 8 year old son and he kept saying “gods”. Turns out the boy is a polythiest! All that Greek mythology he’s been reading must have gotten to him. This strikes me as so very funny!

    Like

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