I’m going to talk about football a little. Also God. How many people can I piss off today? ALL THE PEOPLE.
And, heads-up, this might have a lot of errors in it. Because I know NOTHING about sports. So if you want to be a total douchecanoe and be all “I AM A TIM TEBOW FACTOTUM AND CAN PUNCH A MILLION HOLES IN THIS,” you know what? Aren’t you stellar and fancy with way-too-much free time. I will admit I did about an hour’s research into this. Because more than that seemed like overkill, and it’s not like I’m getting paid for this? But you know what, if you want to send me links to articles disproving this or that or whatever, four for you, Glen Coco, you go, Glen Coco.
So because I avoid sports as if they were hatchet-wielding serial killers, I had no idea who this “Tebow” person was that everyone was yammering about. The only knowledge of him I had was a random skit I saw about him on Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago where Jesus showed up in the locker room and told him to tone it down so I assumed he was a Jesus freak of some sort but I didn’t research it because a., sports of all kinds, but especially football, give me a migraine, and b., pretty much anything religion-oriented guarantees I run the other way screaming.
But last night the internet BLEW UP with sports nonsense so I thought, I will research this because I am curious like that dead cat.
I’m not going to go into details, because I assume most of you already know who Tim Tebow is and what his deal is and such and I’m probably the last person who didn’t. Here, briefly, are my thoughts on the matter, if you care, and you probably don’t, but I’m going to tell you ANYWAY, I’m just that full of myself, so there.
- He’s TWENTY-FOUR. He’s a BABY. Cut him a little slack. He’ll get kicked in the teeth by life a little eventually, as we all do, and then we’ll all forget about him. We were all optimistic 24-year-olds once, too. Well, I assume we all were. Some of you might be robots, I don’t know your lives.
- If he wants to pray, well, I mean, I wouldn’t, and I think I’d do it privately, if I were to do it at all, but if that’s his thing, whatever. And I’m a total heathen. This seems to be pissing a lot of people off. Is it because he’s doing it in public? I’m not being snarky, I’m genuinely curious.
- Dear Tim Tebow, I have nothing against you, but to choose to star in Focus on the Family ads is a HUGE EFFING MISTAKE. They are an organization with an agenda of hatred against women and homosexuals. I know your ad was not about specifically about hatred, but the subtext was pro-life, and you don’t get to make that choice for anyone, especially since you make such a huge deal about being a virgin and also you don’t have a vagina. That I know of. Please research things a little more before getting involved.
- He seems to be very good at football. Good for him. And he seems to be, overall, Focus on the Family ads notwithstanding, mistakes are made when you’re 24, a decent kid. I have no major beef with Tebow. I may have missed something in my research. Did he say we’re all going to hell except his family, or something? I’m open to discussion on this matter.
Anyway, so that’s my Tim Tebow research in a nutshell. He’s a football player who likes God and doesn’t have sex and is very open about it and this makes people talk about him a lot because that’s unlike, oh, I don’t know, ALL the football players. OK. Fine.
HERE’S THE THING THAT I FOUND THAT IS INSANE. Ready?
So Fox Sports Florida did a poll (yes, I know that link isn’t directly to Fox, I don’t approve of anything Fox-related, well, except real foxes, they rule, with their red fur and all, and also snow foxes, those are awesome, once I saw some at the zoo and they were totally frolicking, but I didn’t want to talk about something without any backup because that makes you look like you made it up, but I didn’t want to link directly to anything Fox related, either. This is a happy medium) and asked 1,076 people if they were aware of Tim Tebow and his success. Of people who responded yes to that, they asked, “Do you believe that any of Tim Tebow’s success can be attributed to Divine Intervention?” 756 people answered that question.
43% of respondents said that yes, they thought that God was responsible for Tebow’s success.
FORTY-THREE PERCENT OF THOSE POLLED.
I know that’s not the majority, I know that. But 43% of people think that GOD HIM OR HER OR ITSELF has a STAKE in AMERICAN FOOTBALL GAMES.
I don’t even know what to say about this.
Oh, wait. Yes. Yes, I do know what to say about this.
Now, listen. I’m not going to go too far into my personal belief system, because it is none of your business, and, unlike people who pray on the football field, what I do or do not believe does not have to be done in public (also, not to be mean, but I’m pretty sure there’s a whole effing Bible PASSAGE about praying privately being more Godly than praying publicly, right? Matthew 6:6? Again, not my intention to excoriate Tim Tebow. I have nothing against the kid.) I believe in something. I am not arrogant enough to know what it is; I am not arrogant enough to know what the master plan is. I think there are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. (That makes me look like I worship at the church of Shakespeare. I might, a little. I won’t deny that allegation.)
If it matters at all, here’s my favorite cinematic God:
But, even for my wishy-washy I-don’t-know’s, I do know this:
God, if he/she/it does, indeed, exist, DOES NOT DETERMINE THE OUTCOME OF SPORTING EVENTS BECAUSE ONE OF THE PLAYERS PRAYS OPENLY TO HIM/HER/IT.
Seriously, think about this. Think about all the people praying to God right now for things. Think of the moms praying over their children’s bedsides as their children are dying of cancer. Think of the devastation of war. Think of the devastation of natural disasters. The smaller things: children praying their fathers won’t hit them anymore, their mothers won’t drink anymore, their neighbors won’t abuse them when no one’s looking anymore.
THESE THINGS STILL HAPPEN WHETHER YOU PRAY TO GOD FOR THEM OR NOT.
But God, in his/her/its infinite wisdom, is IGNORING all these major prayers, and listening to Tim Tebow, and, what, taking a Roman holiday every time the kid has a football game in order to swing the game his way?
What the hell is wrong with the 43% of you who thought this was the right answer to this question?
It’s a sporting event. The outcome is determined by chance and skill and a million other factors. Could one of those factors be divine intervention? Sure. Sure it could. Again, I’m not arrogant enough to know the mind of the universe. But I’d like to think it’s not. I HAVE to think it’s not. Because if God (or who/whatever) is spending precious time making sure Tim Tebow’s team is winning games and ignoring the prayers of bullied, suicidal teens, or burn victims, or women who are getting raped just for daring to be female in other countries (and, sadly enough, sometimes even here)?
That’s a Divine Creator who is a complete and total asshole, and who has dropped the ball (sports metaphor apt, if not intended when written), and most likely lost his/her/its mind.
And is Tebow praying for a win? I didn’t research that part of it too hard. Or is he just saying a prayer both pre- and post-games? I mean, sure, he MIGHT be praying “please let me win” and “thank you for the win,” but if he was brought up in a Christian household, as I was, and all signs point to him being so, unless it’s all a massive government coverup, I don’t know, he would have been taught the same thing I was – God’s not a magic genie in a bottle, and you don’t get to ask him/her/it to grant wishes. I mean, you CAN. But it’s stupid, and it’s small of you to try.
Now, according to the interwebs, the Broncos lost last night, so they’re not going to the Superbowl this year. Does that mean God was MAD at Tebow last night? Does that mean that God is a Patriots fan? Does that mean that God likes Tom Brady more than Tim Tebow? PLEASE, 43%, tell me what God was THINKING.
My thoughts (much like Mary Katherine Gallagher’s) on God’s involvement in the mundane day-to-day of our lives can be summed up in this Saturday Night Live skit entitled “Don’t Pray So Much” which I would embed but either WordPress or Hulu’s being an asshole about it. I know you hate clicking, but it’s really worth it. It’s the best thing.
Seriously, “Prayers like, ‘please don’t let the rice get sticky,’ do you really need my help with things like that?” gets me EVERY DAMN TIME. I miss you, Phil Hartman.
Did I piss a bunch of you off? Sorry. OK, here’s my final thought on religion, then I’ll go:
OK. That’s heavy-enough shit for the day, right? I’m going to a play today about people being horrible to one another, then I’m going grocery shopping. Oh, also I’m going to buy some whipped-cream vodka so I can get drunk on Twitter with @lgalaviz and @whoremongers. IT IS ONE HOT DAY YOU GUYS. Metaphorically hot. Not actually hot. It’s actually like 7 degrees here today. SO EFFING COLD.
Maybe I should pray to God that it warms up. That should work, right? Right. GOD LOVES THAT.