For an imaginary person, she totally seemed realistic. NICE JOB GOVERNMENT.

Happy Saturday! I SAID HAPPY SATURDAY. This is totally the time when you cheer or whoo-hoo or whatever it is you do to get pumped. Oh, fine, I’ll forgo the mandatory cheering. I mean, we don’t work at Walmart. We don’t have to do our team cheer. Shit, I don’t know your life, maybe some of you work at Walmart. I MEAN NO DISRESPECT TO YOU WALMART EMPLOYEES. You have a totally difficult job, that place must be the worst. SPEAKING OF WHICH. My dad used to work at Walmart? Right after he retired? Until he realized it was sucking out his soul through his pores to keep going to work there? And he had to participate in those? Only, well, he’s MY dad, and imagine how I’d respond to a group cheer, and then think about heredity, and you can imagine that totally went over like a lead balloon. He used to stand way off to the side, and when it came time to cheer or whatever they did, he’d stand behind a display so they wouldn’t see he wasn’t participating. I KNOW. Totally nefarious. I approve WHOLEHEARTEDLY.

OK, so as I’m sure the savvy among you have guessed (which, let’s just say it, that’s all of you, I don’t even have any non-savvy readers, I ONLY ATTRACT THE CREAM, BABY) (that totally sounded filthy-dirty, right? I didn’t mean cream like “cream your jeans” or something. I meant like the cream rises to the top. Man, but your minds are just the naughtiest!) I’m writing this Friday night for Saturday publication because I’m working all day Saturday with no internet access then I’m off to see Bebe Newirth and then, well, I’m going to get drunk and fall asleep, so really that doesn’t leave a lot of time for blogging. I know. I LOVE YOU ALL THAT MUCH. I’m totally giving you my Friday night. What’s that? What else was I going to do with it anyway? LISTEN SLAPPY. I could have done a LOT of things with it. Television shows to be watched, tweets to be tweeted, um…dishes to be…washed…FINE THIS WAS A REALLY GOOD OPTION.

I was going to do random-crap Saturday, but as I started writing I realized I totally had enough to say to make this a WHOLE POST. I really have a lot of words in my head. It’s a constant wonder to me that they don’t just run out.

So Friday, I had a very exciting thing happen. A VERY EXCITING THING! I know, right, you probably are thinking, “Pshaw, Amy lives like this totally exciting life, exciting things happen to her ALL THE TIME,” and, well, you’d be right, I mean, I can’t deny how rip-roaring outrageous it is being a very well-known blogger and all with the notoriety and such. I mean, just IMAGINE the exciting nights spent on the couch with my cat! Or PONDER the evenings where I’m tussling with my ancient computer trying to get it to work! IT IS MAGICAL.

Anyway! ANYWAY. So Friday, I was at the library. Speaking of which, I’m totally reading like a sloth lately. I’ve been stuck on the same book for like a MONTH. I am not even EXAGGERATING. And also reading all those horrible plays I mentioned earlier in the week. But the book I’m reading is very long and sometimes good but sometimes I just want to find the author and say, “YOU COULD HAVE CUT LIKE 500 PAGES DUDE” but I want to see what happens so yeah, A MONTH. And I’m like halfway through, I’m not even kidding. There goes my resolution to read more in 2012. But I keep reserving and taking books out of the library. Because someday I’ll finish this book. Right? I will, right? And in the meantime, those books just sit on my shelf. MOCKING ME. With their much-better book faces. DAMN YOU LONG BOOK. Although there was a somewhat-steamy scene with my favorite character today (whew, FINALLY, I love my taciturn Russian spy the most) so it might be looking up. Maybe.

And I checked into the library on Foursquare, because a., I’m totally affected and I think you all want to know what I’m doing like every second of every day because I’m JUST THAT INTERESTING and I know it’s going to either get me killed by a psychokiller or my house robbed one of these days but I JUST CAN’T STOP and b., I’m the frigging MAYOR of the library, I can’t just stop checking IN, who does that? I mean, I can’t lose my library mayorship. I’m the most proud of that. It’s like, you know how you people with children feel about your kids? That’s how I feel about my library mayorship. What? That’s sad and pathetic? SHUT IT JUDGEY. I won’t even tell you if I was being sarcastic about my mayorship equalling your children. I won’t even give you the SATISFACTION.

And then – THEN – (I know, you’re all, um, I was promised something exciting was going to happen? And so far…this kind of blows?) @RozinCP tweeted me that she was RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the library. Right next door! Well! That’s exciting, and look, see how handy Foursquare is, you Foursquare haters? How could she have done that if I hadn’t checked in? SHE COULDN’T SO SUCK IT. So I thought, that’s nice, and hey, listen, I love Roz.

OH! Side note. I totally love Roz? Because she is seriously the most positive person on Twitter. No, I’m totally serious. But not in that annoying, “ZOMG I saw a DOUBLE RAINBOW you guys I wish you were all here so I could give you DOUBLE HUGZZZ!” way, which makes me want to stab you with a protractor. No no no. She’s INTELLIGENT positive. She is supportive toward the people she follows; she is very intelligent; she reads and comments (beautifully, humorously, and grammatically!) on people’s blogs; and she’s just a joy. And listen, you know I hate like, oh, I don’t know, everyone, right? So this is totally a huge endorsement. Also, she approves of my wine addiction and sent me a song on John Lennon’s birthday because she knew I would love it. So if you’re a Twitter person, you should totally follow Roz. She’s the bomb.

So I thought, isn’t that nice, look, Roz is right next door! And I told her we should have lunch, because Roz is one of the Twitter people that I would like to meet in person. I mean, listen, there are Twitter people that should STAY on Twitter, like, ALL THE WAY OVER THERE PLEASE THANKS, then there are Twitter people that should become real life people? And Roz is the latter.

Oh, and also, I’ve mentioned this, but my dad’s convinced all the internet people are imaginary. I’m not sure if he thinks they’re all figments of MY imagination, or if some shadowy government agency has made them all up and is tweeting and texting and blog-commenting and such as them or what, but he’s always saying how you all aren’t real. So you know, there’s that to consider. AND there’s how my brother said you all had one hand.


So first I was a little scared, no, not of Roz, but because I’m kind of a weirdo and was afraid I would scare poor Roz, and also I have ALL THE SOCIAL ANXIETY OMGWTFBBQ, and then I thought, NO AMY YOU ARE AWESOME, so that was totally my pep talk. Listen, I’ll give you a pep talk for free if you need one, you know, if we’re friends. I’m very good at them. I cuss a lot in them, though. Just a warning.

She said she was going in and she was wearing a red coat and a red hat and so I ran out of my car and there was Roz! Ta da ta daaaa! I may or may not have scared her by saying, “RED COAT!” loudly as if I had Tourette’s but we moved past that. She’s very gracious. And we had a lovely but all-too-brief conversation in the lobby of the library (because I had to go back to work…grumble) and probably that was asshatty because I think you’re supposed to be quiet there. I mean, Roz was quiet. Well, that sounds weird. She wasn’t a low-talker. She was a NORMAL talker. I wasn’t quiet, though. I’m totally hyper. You know that, right? I have this one friend that is always shushing me. It’s like a knee-jerk response with her. Even when I’m not being loud. She’ll just go “shhh” when I start talking, like pre-emptively shush me. At first this annoyed me, then I realized, it was done with LOVE. Love for my loudness! Because for all the times she’s shushed me, I’ve never once toned it down. Yet we’re still friends! That’s love, people.

So! I met a real life internet person! And we had a nice chat and she is SO NICE, you guys! She wasn’t even a psychokiller even a LITTLE bit! She was just as nice in person as she is on the internet! I know, that never happens. This might be unprecedented. And listen, I gave her two hugs. TWO HUGS! So that kind of made me like the double-rainbow-hug-asshole above but I was so excited to meet a possibly-imaginary internet person that my default setting was “hug,” apparently. ALL THE HUGS. AND! Listen, Dad! SHE WASN’T IMAGINARY.

Also, when I talked to my dad about this tonight, here was our conversation:

Me: So, I met a Twitter person today. In real LIFE.
Dad: On purpose?
Me: Um…not by accident, how weird would that be? Yes. On purpose.
Dad: Were they a killer?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for everyone she’s ever met, but I’m obviously still alive.
Dad: You can’t just go meet internet people. They’ll murder you.
Me: I didn’t just go MEET her. We happened to be in the same place at the same time. And she wasn’t a killer. AND she wasn’t even imaginary.
Dad: Oh, I don’t know. The government can make you see what they want you to see.
Me: What does that even mean?
Dad: Shh. I think I’ve said too much.

I also totally told Roz I was going to blog about her and she said that was cool with her. So hi, Roz! And thank you for meeting me! I hope I wasn’t too scary! And my hair wasn’t too insane! And my eyes weren’t too crazy! But even if they were, thank you for not being scared of me in person!

Now I KNOW you are all totally jealous and want to meet me in person? And that’s so nice! But you cannot. Because I am a recluse. Yes, like a recluse spider. Only less eight-legged. I mean, local people, you can totally meet me if you come to my theater? For Rumors? Starting February 10th? At Albany Civic Theater? Because I will be stage managing and running the lights and the sound and if you come to my show I will TOTALLY give you AT LEAST two hugs because patrons of the arts deserve at least two hugs. NO NOT YOU DING DONG JOE. You’d just be there FOR the hugs, and listen, that’s totally creeptastic. You get ZERO hugs. And also maybe a restraining order. But the rest of you? Hug city. And you far-away people? Aw, sad pandas. If it makes you feel any better, I promise I’m totally exhausting after like half an hour and you’d wish you never met me at all because it’s like carrying on a conversation with a hamster with ADD. I mean, I SEEM awesome at first, like, oh, OK, here, it’s like, you know when you’re totally wanting something like mozzarella sticks and then you think about them and think about them and THINK about them and then you’re all “I WILL DIE IF I DON’T GET MOZZARELLA STICKS” so then you GORGE on mozzarella sticks and then you’re totally disgusted because they’re kind of greasy and you wonder what you were thinking to begin with? Yeah, I’m kind of like a mozzarella stick? I seem like a great idea at the time, and I can TOTALLY be delicious. Only in teeny, tiny doses. Also, I’m better with some spicy marinara.

Anyway, ROZ! Thank you for making my Friday a happy one and for making my first real life ZOMG Twitter meetup a total success whoo-hoo!

Happiest of weekends to you all! Oh, and remember! Not all the internet people are as awesome and normal and non-killery as Roz? SO USE CAUTION MY LITTLE HOMEMADE MARSHMALLOWS. I don’t want anyone psychokilled and their last words to be “But Amy at Lucy’s Football said meeting internet people was AWESOME so I met SirHumpsaLot in the abandoned parking lot where the Blockbuster used to be…cough…cough…ugh” because I would feel HORRIBLE. So be careful. Rule of thumb? Bring a weapon, unless you’re meeting Roz, or one of my friends, because, other than a few shady characters (contact me privately, I’ll totally give you a list of the assholes) my friends are TOP-NOTCH.

SMOOCHES. Happy day to you all!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

20 responses to “For an imaginary person, she totally seemed realistic. NICE JOB GOVERNMENT.

  • elaine4queen

    when we share our imaginary big house like recluses who need our own space and still tweet to each other instead of talking, i think we should write a stage play of REVENGE.

    this is not in the slightest bit off topic.


    • lucysfootball

      OMG, how awesome would that be? I can’t decide who I want to be. Victoria would be awesome, because of the bitchfaced looks, but the whorebag faux Amanda would be awesome because of the whorebaggery. Hmm.


  • Mer

    I just love you. That is all…


  • Bronwyn

    man, i hope i’m not on the secret asshats list! ;) :D and YAY for awesome internet people becoming irl people!

    *scurries off to follow Roz*


  • renni

    1. I am toatlly going to write a play called Nefarious Parents at Walmart.
    2. You attract the cream of the crop; I buy ice-cream at the Quickstop.
    3. Now I have this song in my (Talking) head (s) : Psycho Killer / Qu’est-ce que c’est / uh uh uh uhhhh uh uh uh uh uhhhhh uhhh…
    4. I’m totally annoying, because I would want to give you Double Hugz! (even if you made crazy eyes at me)
    5. Every time you specify that you want someone “OVER THERE!”, it cracks me up! :)
    6. Your dad is totally messing with you!
    7.There is no way you (or anyone, really) could ever be too hyper for me! So, one of these days you have to visit me in Chicago, my little mozzarella stick! Maybe in the summer, and I can throw an OMG-WTF-BBQ! :)
    8. What do you think, too many numbers?


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Why don’t you start reading more than one book at the time? I usually read at least three books simultaneously. And if I can do it, anyone can!

    (Although I’m struggling to get more than 10 minutes of reading time a day at the moment, which is just the saddest!)


    • lucysfootball

      You can read more than one book at once? I get the plotlines all confuzzled. I have to concentrate on one at a time. I also feel like I’m cheating on a book if I read two at once. I’m very book-monogamous.

      I KNOW, I don’t have the time to read at all lately! When did this happen? Oh, when I started blogging and tweeting, that’s it.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    So what’s wrong with your PC? Is it crashing a lot (blue screen) or hanging for long periods of time? Or is it just slow to respond?

    Depending on the problem, you might be able to coax a few more months out of it before having to upgrade/replace it.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Ok, following Roz now.

    I’ve started to meet up with some tweeps lately and I haven’t been murdered yet. But it is a bit disturbing to realise people I’ve never meet before recognise me from my avatar silhouette (I think it must be my nose)!


    • lucysfootball

      They do? That is so awesome! I haven’t had that yet. You are clearly the most famous!

      Roz said she was going to be away from Twitter for a bit. I can’t wait til she comes back and sees all the awesome followers she has now, yay! :)


  • kitchenmudge

    The Ministry of Information approves this post as a textbook example of how to support our illusion that internet people are real. The typo “exiting” in the fourth paragraph helps to substantiate that the post was written by an actual, flawed human being.


  • MsDarkstar

    Ok, here’s the thing. I totally know Lisa G. lives somewhere near me because she’s gone to the Teavana at the Galleria but it’s like she is scared of me because she won’t ever ask me to dinner or drinks or even a chance run-in at Teavana. Hrumph.

    And I am living proof that people from the Internet don’t always kill you because my POSSLQ and I met in Second Life when he lived in CT and I lived in MN and then we met in REAL LIFE and we are both still alive to talk about it all these years later. I mean, he hasn’t even killed me for all of the craptastic stuff I do in real life like dealing with the Wasband and getting randomly dejobbed because I have a knack of picking really horrible jobs where I am usually subjected to waterboarding (or a less moist equivalent) except where I work now is totally cool and I really like it and I really sortve never, ever want to have to look for another job. I don’t get FIRED, but I get laid off what seems like as often as you should change your smoke detector batteries and I don’t really cook and my housekeeping isn’t so great and I don’t provide sexual favors so living with me has got to be sortve the pits, you know? But I’m not dead and I’ve met quite a few people from the internet except NOT LISA which is a shame because I think if we went to Teavana together, we would be a force to be reckoned with and they might give up one of their tea picking monkeys.

    But, if I ever have occasion to come to your part of the country, I will totally give you a holler. Although, since my father isn’t speaking to me I would likely only come into town for his funeral or a reading of his will which will most likely leave me something like his fine, archived collection of navel lint and maybe his shower squeegee (yeah, he freakin’ squeegees his shower and has a complete conniption if you shower and don’t get the damn thing dry as a bone!)

    So, tell your dad that internet people are completely real and are only just MOSTLY serial killers, not ALL serial killers.


    • lucysfootball

      This is the best comment. @lgalaviz! Go to Teavana with MsDarkstar and you can rule the place together!

      I’m going to meet MORE internet people this year. I don’t think they’ll kill me. Probably. I guess we’ll see. If I stop tweeting and blogging, send out a search & rescue squad!


  • Roz

    Sorry that I’m so late responding to this very kind post, but I was away for a while. When we met, Amy said that she would blog about this and I had to wait over a week to read it! Thank you so much for writing such nice things about me, Amy, and thank you all for following me. Because of you, I have over 100 Twitter followers for the first time in my 18 months or so of being on Twitter.

    Please, Amy, reassure your father that I’m no threat! Here’s why: I have a life of my own and it takes up too much of my time.

    Even if I were that flavor of nut, I have trouble driving at night and I can’t parallel park to save my life. In the unlikely event that I found my prey, I wouldn’t be able to slip into a parking space unnoticed to quietly spy.

    If I didn’t murder my first husband, then it’s unlikely that I’ll ever kill anyone.

    You were nothing at all like the double-rainbow-man-this-is-good-weed guy. You are as much fun in person as your words are on your blog.


    • lucysfootball

      Aw, Roz! Thank you! I’m glad you’re back! And I will let my dad know that you are NOT a psychokiller. He will be pleased!

      And yay for the people following you! They’re in for a treat! And look at people listening to me, I feel like a fancy tastemaker! Hee!


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