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Under your skin (no, seriously, way under, with a needle and everything)

Happy Friday, minions and minionettes! This has been one long-ass week. And mine was only four days long, due to my vacation on Monday. SPEAKING of which, I have MORE vacation this upcoming Monday. As most Americans do, since Martin Luther King Jr. Day is Monday, but my office will be open, because we don’t believe in holidays from January to April. But not me, Sally! I will be in pajamas until noon. VACATION!

And speaking of which, this is one action-packed weekend. Let me tell you all about it. What’s that? You don’t care? Well, I’m sure there’s some celebrity gossip blog you could be reading, Snarky McSnarkface, so hop on over to TMZ and find out what someone NON-awesome’s doing, see how that works out for you.

FIRST, tonight I will do laundry. OK, that’s not the most awesome, granted. But one needs clean clothes at some point, and I suppose it’s a good idea to have them. So laundry day must happen. Also, @lgalaviz has promised grumpy tweets tonight starting at about 7pm my time, so I’m expecting to be thoroughly entertained.

Then, tomorrow, work. Again, not all that exciting. I promise the exciting is coming.

THEN THEN THEN. I’m going to see Bebe Neuwirth in concert. OK, for those of you who don’t know who that is, here, does this ring a bell? 

Yep, I’m going to see Frasier’s wife from Cheers. No, she’s not going to be performing AS Frasier’s wife from Cheers. She is actually quite an accomplished Broadway actress with an amazing voice, and the blurb about the concert says she will be “performing pop songs alongside some of the greatest Broadway hits, from Sondheim to Weill, with her signature vibrato style.” Yes, I realize this would send the normal human screaming for the door; I’m so excited I’m totally bouncing right now.

Also, look, she’s totally hot: 

AND her big thing is animal rescue, so I love her MORE.

THEN I’m going to go home and drink a lot of magic wine to catch up with my Twitter Saturday night drinking crew, because by then I’ll be totally behind.

Then, Sunday, I’m going to see a staged reading of a Neil LaBute play, Reasons to be Pretty. If you don’t know who Neil LaBute is, shame on you SHAME I SAY, SHUN THE NONBELIEVER SHUNNNNN, because he’s one of my favorite playwrights working today. He’s dark and twisty and just a wee bit evil and I adore him, even though he’s a bit of a bastard to women in his work. (If you’re not a play reader, rent In the Company of Men and The Shape of Things, both his work. You’ll either love them or hate them. If you love them, read his plays, especially Fat Pig; if you hate them, you and I probably wouldn’t get along very well in real life, because you probably like cheery things like sunny days and wishing on shiny pennies too much.) Also I saw him do a lecture once and he was funny and intelligent and self-deprecating and I loved him more. Reasons to be Pretty is about a lot of things – relationships, fidelity, how you see yourself, how others see you, the power of words – it’s wonderful. AND some of my favorite people are in it. AND it’s pay-what-you-will. AND it’s being performed in a library. I really can’t be more excited about this.

And THEN, Monday, I have OOH AAH a vacation day, so I will be blogging up a storm, and then Monday NIGHT, I am meeting two of my favorite people, C and C (that’s confusing, that’s like C&C Music Factory, hee!) for dinner at one of my favorite local restaurants so we can catch up and have all the good times. And possibly also adult beverages. And some of the best food in town. Seriously, come to Albany, and eat at New World Bistro Bar. It will make you irrationally happy. I don’t know a single person who’s eaten there who’s left all, “Meh, whatever.”

See? That’s a weekend chock full o’goodness, right there. I know you’re totally jealous. I would be if I wasn’t me, too. It’s ok, I’ll brag all about it on here, it’ll be like you were there with me, only not there because I don’t know you, I can’t be bringing strangers around with me all willy-nilly.

OH! Yeah, I totally have a topic today. I know, way to bury the lead. Like that? It’s like I’m a newspaperman. Or woman. Or how about reporter, that’s gender-neutral.

OK, so last night I totally got that haircut I was talking about yesterday, only when I told the stylist I wanted shoulder-length she apparently thought that meant chin-length. So now I kind of look like a deranged pilgrim? But it’ll grow back. Today’s response from my co-workers has been (sorry, “co-worker,” only one said anything because no one else cares): “Hey, you got a haircut! That sure is…short!” So that wasn’t all that promising. I’d post the photo I put up on Twitter last night but the photo-hosting service that Twitter uses is blocked here at work. OH HEY. Guess what? Twitter got unblocked at work. I DON’T KNOW EITHER. It’s kind of a mystery. Why is the IT guy playing with my emotions? Whatever, don’t care, have Twitter, all’s right with the world.

Anyway, the stylist was Chatty Cathy (yeah, I don’t know if her name was Cathy, I didn’t ask) and she told me many things, like how she hates country music, and how the deli next door is run by Polish people but they’re “still really nice” (“Still?” I don’t know. Is there something about Polish people I don’t know? Also, on that topic, apparently they have EUROPEAN CHOCOLATE BARS over there. I’m so going one of these days to see if there are Flake bars. You know about Flake bars, right? Flake bars are my CRACK. I love them more than BREATHING. I love them more than PENGUINS) and also then she started talking about how she wanted to get an anchor piercing and went into very, very excruciating detail about how this is performed.

OK, so for those of you who aren’t aware, an anchor piercing looks like this (the one near her eye, not the one in her nose):

My thoughts on piercing: love it. LOVE IT. I know, I’m totally an old person? But I’m all for piercing. And tattooing. I mean, not weirdo tattooing. Not like, some of those tattoos you see that are misspelled or have weird eyes or girls with big boobs or whatever. No no no. But I think it’s your body, and you know what? You do what you want with it, babe. Thing is, THINK ABOUT IT FIRST. Don’t do it because: you just went through a breakup, you want attention, someone just died, you want to be sexy, etc. Do it after some serious thought, do it safely, and do it because it makes YOU feel good and sexy and amazing.

I’m a little more squicked out about things like scarification and such, but you know what, if you like it, you do it. It’s your thing. It’s your body.

I have piercings. They’re all totally PG, don’t be scared. My ears are pierced all up and down. I have a nose ring. I have a tongue ring which I probably should remove at some point or I’m going to be the grandma in the nursing home with the tongue ring but I adore it so yeah, I’ll be that lady, whatever. It makes my dentist yell at me, though. “You’ll RUIN your TEETH!” the dentist says. Yeah, maybe. But it’s pretty and I love it. Also, it makes The Nephew laugh. “What is that?” he asks me. “What is that ball in there?” and I say, “That’s Aunt Amy’s tongue ring, isn’t that funny?” and he laughs and laughs and touches his own tongue and I say, “Do you want one of those someday?” and he says, “NO!” and laughs and laughs some more and tells me to stick out my tongue, and I do, because I love him and, as mentioned a gajillion times, if it makes the kiddo laugh, I’ll do it.

The nose ring hurt like a son of a bitch because I did it wrong. I got it before everyone was getting them, and the chick that did it was all, “I know how to do these!” and did it WITH A BACK ON IT with AN EARRING GUN and when it swelled up (as piercings do) I thought I would die and I had to pry the back off with tweezers. But it healed eventually and I’ve had it for over fifteen years now. The tongue ring I was smarter about and had done professionally and it was only swollen for one day and healed well and bothers no one, except my parents, who never fail to say, “Maybe it’s time to take that stupid thing out now, what do you say?” and I just ignore them, because I love it, even though I’m old.

I can’t wear the nose ring at work, though. It’s “unprofessional.” And I can’t stick out my tongue when clients are around, that’s also unprofessional. Well, I’d think that sticking out one’s tongue around clients would be unprofessional, whether you had a tongue ring or not, right? Right.

ANYWAY. So the stylist was describing an anchor piercing. Which are actually kind of cool, and you can get them all over (do a search – some look better than others, though, who thought it was a good idea to get one on your ring finger like a permanent engagement ring? Hmm) but HOLY HELL getting them in and out! 

See? There are two parts (the two on the left of the photo) – the one on the far left is the jewel that sits on top of your skin, and the one in the middle is what goes under your skin. You can, once it’s healed, unscrew the jewel and replace it with another, you know, to color-coordinate, or whatever, I don’t know. The one on the far right is the two pieces screwed together.

Has anyone spotted what’s making me ick, here? THAT BIG FLAT PIECE HAS TO GO UNDER YOUR SKIN.

So the tech creates a pocket with a needle or a dermal punch and then INSERTS THAT FLAT PART and then you bleed for like thirty minutes and then you have your pretty anchor piercing.

But! Here’s the fun part.

Want it removed?

IT NEEDS TO BE CUT OUT.

OF YOUR SKIN.

WITH SHARP THINGS.

Gah. Gah. Gah.

No, no thanks. I think they’re pretty, I totally do, but I want piercings that I can choose to remove on my own terms and let my body heal them up and then done, maybe just a little scar.

Also, I don’t know if this was really the conversation a stylist should be having with her client. Probably this is why my hair is so damn short and I look like a deranged pilgrim, because she was planning on getting one of these things tomorrow and she was all freaked out.

Oh, also she was telling me about some people she knew who had them and had to get them removed because they kept getting caught on things and then pulling and bleeding like shirts and dogs. I – um. No. Thanks. I think I’ll stick with what I’ve got.

I AM totally thinking of getting my next tattoo, though, which I realize I kind of waited until I was an old person to get, but I’ve been waiting for the stars to align or some such shit. Words, I think. I want words instead of art this time. Here’s the problem – I LIKE ALL THE WORDS. I have probably twenty different lines of poetry/literature I want. VERY HARD TO DECIDE. If I got them all, I’d end up the tattooed lady, which would probably not go over well considering nose rings are unprofessional here and one guy got let go a few years ago, supposedly for job-related issues, but we think it was because one day it was very hot and he took off his suitcoat and he had heretofore-unbeknownst-to-us tattoo sleeves which I loved but the people here were VERY DISTRESSED BY.

Alright. BACK TO WORK CRACK THE WHIP CRACKY NOISE. Happy weekend, everyone! May all your dreams come true, and, barring that, may you not get stabby, not even one teeny-tiny time!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

47 responses to “Under your skin (no, seriously, way under, with a needle and everything)

  • elaine4queen

    oh.

    i was all about the anchor piercing until you went into the CUTTING details. shame. i was getting ready for my bandless engagement ring, too, because my fingers swell up like sausages sometimes and i can’t wear rings.

    hey ho.

    oh yes. i was going to say – you must check out the polish shop. i don’t know if they will have cadbury’s stuff, but if they don’t they might have ritter sports which are so good you have to eat the whole bar and get sick, so best to share with someone. i am excited in advance to hear about your chocolate buying adventures in this shop. even if they just have euro chocolate biscuits it will be good, we get them at lidl and they are always good.

    Like

  • blogginglily

    This comment is somewhat related to your recent trip to the salon. It is a “woman” question.

    Through the course of blogging/tweeting/facebooking/whatever, it has become apparent to me that women who are ordinarily grammar nazis about most things, purposely and almost UNIVERSALLY fuck up the phrase: going to get my hair done or going to get my nails done.

    It is almost without fail: Getting my nails did and getting my hair did.

    Is that FROM something? Why do almost all women say that?

    Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    You had me at “shun the unbeliever”! I bet I’m your only minion/minionette who knows where that line comes from!!! :-)

    Sorry about your hair. Fortunately, it will grow back on its own.

    And thanks for the education on anchor piercings. I’d never even heard of them before today. Yet another body mod I am NOT interested in. The list is growing…

    Cheers!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think more people should get that reference. Come on people! Get the reference! It’s the best! Charlieeeee!

      I think I’d be more interested if they weren’t so scary to remove. Because who knows if I’d still want one when I’m 70? Eek!

      Like

  • Omnibus

    You’ll probably think I’m a freak. I don’t have any piercings, not even my ears! And no ink, either. I know, I know; I’m a freak (or reverse-freak?) I’d call myself a square, if I wasn’t so very round! :)

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Irrationally happy? You now what makes me irrationally happy? Seeing gay couples holding hands as they walk through town. I’m so glad there are people who are proud to be different! It makes my old Grinch heart grow three sizes.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      That *always* makes my Grinch heart grow. I think it will make my Grinch heart grow even more when it’s no longer even something anyone thinks about at all – just a couple walking down the street. Think it’ll happen in my lifetime? I can dream…

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I had to track down that hair cut photo of yours on Twitter: http://yfrog.com/kf2vzmlj

    First of all: Cute! Secondly: It’s not really THAT short, I was expecting it to be shorter after hearing you describe it.

    Like

    • Omnibus

      Re; Crazy Eyes: Um, yikes.

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        Have I NOT been telling you all I have crazy eyes? Did you think I was LYING? I totally wasn’t. I have the craziest eyes!

        (They’re actually normally not that crazy. Only when I’m trying to make them that way, like in that photo. Or when I’m really excited about something. Or totally pissed. So…yeah…most of the time, then.)

        Like

    • lucysfootball

      It used to be to the middle of my back! It seems so short!

      And thank you! Not so cute after the gale-force winds outside today are done with it. YIKES! I look electrocuted!

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Oooh! You probably shouldn’t call Flaky bars European! The Britons don’t really see themselves as living in Europe (I know: where do they recon Britain belong? The Americas? The Arctic?). They insist on saying “I’m going to Europe on holiday” and similar nonsense.

    But yes, I’m familiar with Cadbury’s Flaky bars. Not bad. Granted, they’re not Finnish salty licorice & milk chocolate, but still. If the Poles can’t hook you up, I could always send you some from here if you want?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Sorry! Sorry! Flake bars = British! I know because I ate them like there was no tomorrow when I was there in college!

      What about Kinder Eggs? European or British? Because I also love those.

      I actually don’t love milk chocolate, and don’t like black licorice. (You can’t be surprised, you know I’m insane about food things.) Although I have always been curious about salty licorice, since so many people rave about it. I will have to try to find some someday.

      I think I’m going to the European candy shop, getting all kinds of new & exciting candy, and blogging about it. THIS IS EXCITING.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    For some reason the concept of cutting out a piercing with a sharp scalpel doesn’t gross me out. It’d be worse with a dull scalpel, surely? Also, cutting skin doesn’t hurt that much as long as you can get it to heal afterwards.

    A friend of mine’s got some scarification that she made herself. It’s a series of dots on her shoulder and it looks kinda cool, but then she’s an artist and should know about these things. Also, being scars, they are more 3D than tattoos.

    Like

  • Elizabeth

    First off, I love your haircut. It looks fun and not at all pilgram-y.

    Second, anchor piercings are stunning, but I would never be brave enough to get one. I love piercings, as well, but haven’t got any but my ears. Parents don’t like their children’s teachers to be pierced.

    I started late in the tattoo game, but I am now totally addicted to it. I have to only let myself get one every eight months or I would be covered in ink, especially ink that has “all the words.” I am planning my next one but I just can’t decide. There are too many things that I want!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aw, thanks!

      I know, it’s tough. I have to decide on what to get. Then I have to decide on where to get it. And I have to decide what shop to go to. I think this is why it took me 15 years between the last one and this one!

      Like

  • lahikmajoe

    ‘Also, @lgalaviz has promised grumpy tweets tonight starting at about 7pm my time, so I’m expecting to be thoroughly entertained.’

    I’m going to be asleep for this. Please tell me what I missed, ok?

    Like

  • Anonymous

    Not to self: No anchor piercings. EVER. Leave that to the kiddies.

    I’m not willing to have anything cut out unless it’s preceded by the words TUMOR, DEATH, or PERMANENT DAMAGE. Everything else must remain once it is applied.

    My daughter has a “Monroe” piercing, which drives me insane. NOT because I think she shouldn’t have it (she’s 31 and can make those decisions for herself) but I LOOK at it all the time when I’m talking to her. Which she is probably QUITE aware of. And Amy, I would probably stare at your nose ring/tongue piercing. NOT because I think it’s wrong, it’s just that is where my eyes keep going to. Is there protocol/etiquette on how to NOT look at piercings/tattoos? Or is getting me to look at them the whole point?

    I have two tattoos, but unless I want you to see them, you don’t. One is on my right foot (it should be noted that getting a tattoo on your foot HURTS LIKE HELL), and the other is on my right shoulder blade. I’m a shy tattoo wearer I guess. Which is dumb really. What was I thinking?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think you’d look for a little while, then you’d get used to them and stop, maybe? Or you could look. It’s ok. But probably my crazy hair/eyes/flailing hands would distract you, too!

      I’m a shy tattoo wearer, too. My one is on my left shoulder blade. No one sees it unless I want them to. Haven’t decided where the next one will be yet. Still contemplating…

      Like

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