Well! Here we are. Friday again! How did this happen? How exciting. I did not put an exclamation point after that last sentence because I wasn’t feeling it. Sorry. I’ll try harder next time. Here. Let’s do it again. HOW EXCITING ZOMG!!!1!! There, don’t you all feel better? I know I do.
So someone sent me this Reader’s Digest slideshow thingy about cat people versus dog people the other day. Now listen, Reader’s Digest told me a couple months ago that I wasn’t a psychopath, so that was really nice of Reader’s Digest. But that was Reader’s Digest Canada, and this link was from Reader’s Digest AMERICA, so I don’t know, should I even trust it? I mean, we know we can trust the Canadian Reader’s Digest but the American Reader’s Digest might be full of shadiness and bad reader-submitted jokes.
But I thought, LISTEN, ME (I talk to myself in all-caps, sometimes, does this surprise you? Didn’t think so) LISTEN, YOU CANNOT DISCOUNT READER’S DIGEST AMERICA JUST BECAUSE OF THE LAME JOKES. So I clicked on the link. And I didn’t even get a virus! Isn’t that nice. There were a lot of really lame stock photos, but I can ignore those. I just imagine, when I see really lame stock photos, they’re animals wearing clothing or smoking? And that cheers me up immensely.
So according to Reader’s Digest AMERICA (I think it’s important we specify between the two, don’t you?) there are some fundamental differences between cat and dog people. Well, other than the main one, which is the dog people have dogs and the cat people have cats. Obvs.
The problem I have, going into this, is that I’m an ALL-animal person, who just happens to be in a lifestyle situation where having a dog would be irresponsible. I mean, I could have a dog, but I’m never home, and my place is very, very small. So is that fair to a dog? No, not really. But I love dogs. Also fish, reptiles, amphibians, small mammals, and pretty much all pets except birds annoy the piss out of me with their peckiness and squawkiness. So I GUESS I’m a cat person? But also a dog person, were I to win the lottery or something. I AM TORN.
HERE I MADE YOU A LIST.
Cat people are more likely to be introverts. Well, see, right here we have a problem. I’m torn. I’m a bipolar introvert. It depends on the day. Some days, I want to talk and have everyone pay attention to me me me ME and some days I want to eat my sandwich while hiding under a table in the file room. It’s unpredictable. So am I having cat-person days some days and dog-person days other days?
Cat people are less likely to have pop songs as their cellphone ringtones. OK, yeah, good, totally. No, I don’t have a pop song as my ringtone. I have one of the stock things that came with my phone as my ringtone. Because I don’t like paying for shit. Who wants to pay for some pop song as their ringtone? Especially because I never have my ringer on so it would be a silly waste of money that I’m saving up toward a new computer so I can blog better and faster and more more more. SIDE NOTE: one of the doctors we answer for at my part-time job has “Dr. Feelgood” as his ringback tone. It is inappropriate and hysterical every time I call him.
Cat people are more likely to cling to their friends at parties. Or not go to parties, because they KNOW they’d be clinging to their friends, and this would ANNOY their friends, and therefore they would LOSE their friends, so they stay home because that seems safer all around. I mean, hypothetically, of course. I don’t know anyone like this at all.
Cat people are more likely, if they were to come across an abandoned litter of kittens, to attempt to rescue the kittens, as opposed to dog people, who would call animal control. Well, it really depends on the situation, now doesn’t it? Where did you come across these kittens? Are they somewhere safe, like on your doorstep in a liquor box? Or are they tied to a train track or dangling over a precipice? Because as much as I like kittens, I’m not risking my life for them. I mean, don’t get MAD, kittens are SHINY, but I don’t know those kittens. Those are STRANGER kittens. I mean, if it was Dumbcat, sure I’d risk my life for him, he’s my boy. But I’m not risking my life for stranger kittens. That’s what animal control is for.
Cat people are more likely to have a graduate degree. I DO HAVE THAT. Now do a study how many cat people are drowning in student loan debt, Reader’s Digest America. DO IT I SAID.
Cat people are more likely to name George Harrison as their favorite Beatle (as opposed to dog people, who would name Paul McCartney.) What the holy hell? Why isn’t John Lennon on this list? Neither of these people are my favorite Beatle, I mean, they’re FINE, I don’t DISLIKE them, I just don’t LOVE THEM LIKE I LOVE MY JOHN LENNON. What kind of animal do I have to like to have John Lennon as my favorite Beatle? Penguins? Kookaburras? Cheetahs? I’ll do it, JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.
Cat people are more likely to be active on Twitter. If by “active” you mean “totally obsessed to the point of letting other things in your life take a backseat like reading, watching television, and going to bed in a timely fashion,” then I’ve got this one.
Cat people are less likely to think of zoos as happy places. Well, what kind of zoo are we talking about here? Like, a clean, happy zoo, where the animals look well-fed and like life is happy-times? Or the kind of zoo that smells like poo when you enter and the bears have to dance in tutus for your amusement and the camels look rabid because they’re covered in saliva? Because NO ONE thinks those zoos are enjoyable, NO ONE NO ONE. (SIDE NOTE! I got my tickets for Florida yesterday! Kookaburras, I will be conquering you in three and a half months! Oh, also margaritas. MARGARITAS AND KOOKABURRAS HERE I COME!)
Cat people are more likely to enjoy ironic humor and puns (as opposed to dog people, who are more likely to enjoy impressions and slapstick humor.) Listen, have we talked about how much I hate slapstick humor? I call it “falling.” When I have to read a play like that for submission at my theater, the people there that know me best know I won’t like it, because it has “too much falling.” I.e., “Amy will hate this play. It’s a falling play. Amy hates falling plays.” I also hate plays with: mistaken identity, too many doors that slam, things that happen too quickly, people that get out of breath, people that mime smoking, people who have to change clothing too quickly, men dressed as women for laughs, and people who are afraid of homosexuals for laughs. Oh, and mostly everything that Neil Simon (too much falling), David Mamet (uses the word “fuck” as if it’s the word “the”) write, and I’m love/hate with Edward Albee (why are you so WEIRD sometimes, Albee?). So I’m a joy at play selection committee, let me tell you. Wait, I totally went off-topic. YES. This one is TRUE. I HATE FALLING.
Both dog and cat people are equally likely to talk to all animals, have a four-year college degree, and dislike animal-print clothing. I DO talk to all animals. This includes INSECTS. I know, I know, those aren’t really animals. I still talk to them. I mean, the good ones. I don’t talk to effing fruit flies, what, do you think I’m nuts? There are too many of them, it’d be like talking to a CROWD. Sheesh. Yes, I have a four-year degree, we already discussed this. AND NO ONE LIKES ANIMAL-PRINT CLOTHING. OK, fine, someone must, because things like this keep happening:
But no one SHOULD. Because it is WORRISOME. Animals should have animal prints. NOT PEOPLE.
OK, so then I thought, well! I like research, let’s look further into this situation. So I Googled that shit (SIDE NOTE! ZOMG, don’t I have a lot of these today? My lovely friend Elaine4Queen found me this the other day and I love her for it SO EFFING MUCH, you really need to click, I can’t put a screen cap of it because it doesn’t have the same impact, I PROMISE YOU WON’T GET A VIRUS! You probably all know about it already, I’m always like twenty years behind on things.) (ZOMG ANOTHER SIDE NOTE! Speaking of twenty years behind on the interwebs! Last night I was watching the local 8pm news show that talks about Albany politics? And at the end, they talk about interesting things they found on Twitter? And they mentioned this new Ryan Gosling “Hey Girl” Tumblr, but this time it’s about politics – LOVE, sorry, I know they’re stupid, but I can’t get enough of them – and the chick on the news, who is SO SERIOUS ALL THE TIME was all, “Well, I don’t think these are real Ryan Gosling quotes, I don’t know how interested in New York politics he is, I mean, he was in Schenectady this summer filming The Place Beyond the Pines, but that doesn’t mean he took an interest in Albany politics at that time, I guess it just goes to show you that there’s room for everything on the internet” all with her serious face on. So I am NOT the only person who is totally far behind everyone else when it comes to knowing memes on the interwebs! And I laughed until I almost cried.) (LAST SIDE NOTE IN THIS PARAGRAPH! On Revenge this week, Emily totally said “interwebs.” It made my WEEK.)
So I found THIS article about cat people versus dog people. It’s kind of sciency. I mean, not the MOST sciency, just kind of more sciency than Reader’s Digest AMERICA.
In this article, we learned that:
Dog people are more conscientious than cat people. That’s rude, I’m totally conscientious. Screw you twice, article.
Cat people are more spontaneous and trusting. I am neither of these things and I hate people that are. So far this article is kind of full of fail.
Cat people are more neurotic, open, and artistic. Neurotic? I guess. Sometimes. WHY WHAT ARE PEOPLE SAYING ABOUT ME. Open? No, not really. Artistic? Well, I guess creative, more so than artistic. This one’s only half-full of fail.
Cat people are less emotionally warm. It depends if I like you. If I like you, I’m warm. If I hate you, or if I used to like you, and then you betrayed me or someone I love, well, look out, cold front’s a’comin’.
Cat owners are more likely to live alone, in an apartment, and be single. FOREVER ALOOOOOONE.
Then the article kept saying I needed to take this “Big 5” personality test to see where I fit in these five categories she kept yammering on about, and you know what I love more than almost anything, but not more than chocolate, is personality tests, so I of course found it and took it.
So this test tests you to see how you average out against everyone else who’s taken it in five areas: extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism, and openness. I read these and immediately was all I’M TOTALLY GOING TO FAIL THIS AREN’T I.
Well! Let’s tally the votes, Probst-style!
I am 0.1 points less extraverted than the average person. This seems…low? Really low. I must have been feeling extraverted when I took the test or something. It says I have the tendency to “seek out stimulation though the company of others.” By “others,” do they mean the imaginary people on the interwebs, or the people on my television? Then YES I WIN this.
I am 0.3 points less agreeable than the average person. Again, this seems low. I’m totally disagreeable. I mean, sometimes I PRETEND to be agreeable but inside I’m making a bitchface. Also a lot of times outside. I’m getting the feeling this test is flawed.
I am 0.1 points more conscientious than the average person. HA SUCK IT ARTICLE. I TOLD you I was conscientious. 0.1 MORE than average, baby! I like PLANNING! I hate SPONTANEITY! If I say I will BE somewhere, I WILL BE THERE! 0.1 really doesn’t represent that I’m totally reliable because I AM.
I am 0.4 points less neurotic than the average person. Um. Again? This test seems flawed. You can ask my BFF W., he will tell you that probably this test is flawed. Because W. is, as my BFF, the person who gets my neurotic late-in-the-evening texts. So I think W. would be the person who would better give me a score in neuroticism, and I think his score would be “Amy gets a 1,000,000.” Also, I like that in the description of this trait it says “this trait is also known as emotional instability.” HA HA HA YES.
I am 1.5 points more open to new experiences than the average person. I hate new experiences. They often are not as good as old experiences, and let you down by looking like a good idea at the time, but really they are not. This seems suspect. Oh, no, wait, I just read the description, and it says that it means that I like “art, emotion, adventure, unusual ideas, imagination, curiosity, and variety of experience” and that “people who are open to experience are intellectually curious, appreciative of art, and sensitive to beauty, more creative, and hold unconventional beliefs.” OK, yeah, fine, that sounds like me, excuse me, I have to go worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster while body-painting myself now.
Then the quiz told me, based on my results, I should have a 5.3% better than average chance at succeeding in my career (that…doesn’t seem very good? I think I’m screwed) and a 10% higher than average chance at succeeding in my current marriage (um…am I married? That’s…wow. WHERE IS HE. I feel like, as a married person, I should be having a lot more sex, and also getting to file my tax returns as joint, therefore getting a much better refund. Also, I need him to help me carry in the groceries, they’re totally heavy and it’s cold out.)
SO! What have we learned, my little spicy grilled string beans?
- I might be a cat person, or a dog person, or an animal person, or maybe just a person;
- I might be bipolar, or not;
- “Dr. Feelgood” is a very good ringtone if you are a doctor, but not if you want to be taken seriously as a doctor;
- Do not risk your life for stranger kittens;
- I hate falling;
- No one likes rabid camels;
- I think I broke the Big 5 Personality Test;
- I kind of overboarded you with SIDE NOTES, sorry;
- Poor W. gets a lot of neurotic texts and emails, I should totally send him a fruit basket.
Happy weekend, everyone! I hope you sleep much (SIDE NOTE: for the past two nights, I have had insane dreams. Two nights ago, Bill Clinton showed up at my house, gave me a sundress that didn’t fit, stole all my candy bars, and didn’t even want me to make out with him, even though I am TOTALLY his type; and last night, I dreamed for like 7 hours someone was trying to wake me up so we could go running. I DON’T RUN WHAT THE HELL STOP IT) and cuddle someone or something cuddly and totally dare to eat a peach!