When I was just a baby, my mama told me, “Son, always be a good boy, don’t ever play with guns”

So this is kind of random-crap Thursday? BUT WITH A THEME. I know, right? Fancy. Super-DUPER fancy.

Today’s theme? Hunting and gunplay.

What? You’re thinking. I know what you’re thinking, because I’m Miss Cleo, you see. Hunting and gunplay? What an odd theme!

Yeah, I totally agree. Kind of an odd theme. But first there was one story that was hunting related, then a story that was gun related, then when another story came up that was gun related I was all THIS IS TOTALLY KISMETTY.

Also, listen, before we even get into this? I’m going to piss a bunch of you off and tell you something that you’re probably going to be all no no no about, but I’m totally pro the second amendment. I know, I AM A BAD LIBERAL. That’s not the only thing that makes me a bad liberal, but we’ll go into that another time. I like guns. I don’t like asshats who shoot people, don’t get me wrong. But I like guns, and I’m very good with them, and I approve of our right to own them. I know, I know, if we outlawed the second amendment, think of the gun violence we’d stop, people who don’t deserve to die are dying, people are being killed in domestic violence disputes that wouldn’t if guns were outlawed, I get it, I’m not completely idiotic and blind. But I grew up in the country, around people who own guns, know how to handle guns, and taught me how to respect and use guns in an adult manner. I’m all for the waiting period and a screening and such. I don’t have one of those “pry my gun out of my cold dead fingers” bumper stickers, or one of those “only outlaws will have guns” bumper stickers (but I did find the bumper sticker I TOTALLY WANT THE MOST ZOMG last night, which has nothing to do with guns, more on that in a minute), and I don’t see the need for anyone to own an automatic weapon because seriously, are you hunting with that? Are you protecting your home with that? No, you are not – but I am, unabashedly, pro the second amendment. So go ahead and hate on me, that’s fine. I’m a country girl at heart. I like to go barefoot, I’ve got a lot of redneck in me, and I grew up eating a lot of venison.

Oh, the bumper sticker I want? Well, there are two, there’s the one I’ve wanted since @grngeekgirl alerted me to its existence, which I would show you but friggin’ Zazzle’s all NO NO NO about sharing its images, so click, please, because it is the bomb, especially if you are a Stephen King fan.

And there’s this one I found last night and squeed like I haven’t squeed before:

These have nothing to do with guns or hunting. I just thought you’d be interested in seeing them. Or not, whatever, it’s my blog. Also, I’m totally anti-bumper sticker, because I think they make your car look like you’re cheap and sad. So probably I won’t get either. Or I will, and I’ll put them randomly in my house somewhere, I don’t know. Yeah, I know. I’m not really right. I KNOW THAT AND I DEAL WITH IT YOU SHOULD TOO.

Anyway! Hunting and gunplay roundup! Yee-haw!

New York: Now Safer for Bears

So as of January 1, a bunch of random new laws went into effect in New York State. I love shit like this, let me tell you. Things like this entertain the hell out of me. Because some of them are smart and common-sensey, and some of them are big but everyone’s so hung over they don’t realize they’re happening, and some of them are WEIRD.

Normal things: there were some tax-y things, like property tax caps and a middle class tax cut thingamabobber but I’m not going to talk about tax shit because I don’t 100% understand it, and also I have to deal with it, on average, 8 hours a day, and it’s kind of making me stabby. Also, texting while driving is now something you can get a ticket for, and not just something they can ALSO ticket you for if you’re already pulled over for killing a grandmother in a crosswalk because you were asshattily texting while driving. I like that law a lot. YOU SHOULD NOT BE TEXTING WHILE DRIVING. We’ve discussed this, but seriously, how are you people DOING this? It takes A LOT OF CONCENTRATION to text! And also, it SHOULD take A LOT OF CONCENTRATION to drive! Argh!

Slightly odd things: dentists must have defibrillators. Are people dying in dental offices? THIS IS WORRISOME. Also, fishermen can now operate THREE POLES AT ONCE. Three! At ONCE! Well, this is exciting. Because before, they could only operate TWO. I know, right? Think of all the fishing that will be done!

The best thing: “Bear gallbladder (S.3858) – Bears have been killed illegally simply for their gallbladders and bile for use in ancient medicines. New York was one of only five states that didn’t restrict bear gallbladder trade. Not anymore.”

You can no longer sell or trade bear gallbladder or bile in New York State. Well! This is VERY EXCITING FOR BEARS. I mean, think of it! Now New York will be a vacation getaway for bears! This law will have the added incentive of upping our bear tourist dollars, and you know how broke New York is. So now we’ll get all these vacationing bears, who, in the past, were totally scared of coming here because they were afraid of being legally murdered for the sale or trade of their internal organs.

Psst, just don't do this while driving, BEAR.

Whoo-hoo, New York! We love bears!

There are a LOT of things happening here. It’s like the game Mousetrap, only with guns.

This comes to us, much like the awesome Zazzle bumpersticker above, via @grngeekgirl. In case you were wondering, she is awesome. Yesterday, she also alerted me to the existence of Poetry Puma?

And that’s just about the best thing.

Also, in case you want to stalk her, she’s one of the brilliant minds behind Insatiable Booksluts. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Anyway, so this happened a few days ago.

I know, we learned yesterday you don’t like to click. I’ll recap, because I love you like I love a good novel on a cold winter’s night.

In Utah, a man (who, per the photo in the article, looks like a skeevy version of this guy I used to work with, and no one knows where he moved to, so I GUESS it could be him, Chris? Is this what happened to you when you moved away and you told everyone you were going to travel to Europe for a year and backpack? Was “traveling to Europe for a year and backpacking” code for THIS?) saw a rat in his apartment.

So, you know, as you do, he pulled out a gun and shot at it.

I like that in the article it says “the police say they suspect alcohol was involved.” But I think that’s really rude, because why would you suspect that? SHOOTING AT RATS WHILE IN YOUR HOME IS THE ONLY WAY.

Anyway, so Ratkiller Randy was a shitty shot. He accidentally shot through the wall, hitting his first roommate.

STOP WORRYING, Roomie One is fine. I think. He almost died but is now in stable condition.

So, we’ve got Ratkiller Randy, Gutshot Gary, and then what does Ratkiller Randy hear? A female scream! Well! This is offputting, what could this be? So Ratkiller Randy then calls the cops.

When the cops arrived, what do they find?

  • Ratkiller Randy, probably all “THERE WAS A RAT WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO, GUYS”
  • Gutshot Gary, dying
  • A third roommate
  • A thirteen-year-old girl in the basement closet
  • A fourth roommate, sound asleep upstairs, who slept through it all

WAIT! You’re saying. Amy! What’s this? I think you glossed over something important in that list there.

Yes, I did. There were four roommates in that apartment. I know, that’s a lot. Once, I had four roommates, and by the end of that semester, we were all totally ready to kill one another. You put that many people in close proximity with one bathroom? FORGET ABOUT IT. It’s like murder city.

Ha! I kid. No, the cops found a thirteen-year-old, in the basement closet. She was the source of the scream. She had been sleeping with the third roommate (let’s call him Pedophile Paul) for four months, unbeknownst to the other three roommates.

And yes, the fourth roommate – Narcolepsy Nick – slept through ALL OF IT.

There are SO MANY THINGS going on here, I can’t even fathom. Guns! Too many roommates! Closets! Pedophiles! Narcolepsy! Drinking and, I can only assume, some sort of drug use, because seriously, you SLEPT through GUNS and COPS and RATS and PEDOPHILIA?

This is totally that game Mousetrap that I used to play when I was a kid that I loved where you’d build the mousetrap, and then when it was done, whoever won got to set the whole thing in motion and, if you’d put it together just right, it would trap the other player’s mouse. Often, though, it wouldn’t, because the pieces were old, and it would just collapse. But in this case, the mousetrap worked PERFECTLY! And it trapped a PEDOPHILE! And also kind of almost killed Gutshot Gary, but he was just collateral damage, really.

What the Frig

So ok, this just kind of goes without comment. Well, with minimal comment.

So a woman in Oklahoma’s husband died of cancer, leaving her alone to raise her three-month-old baby. She was eighteen. EIGHTEEN. When I was eighteen, I was starting my freshman year of college, being all emo-moping, writing bad poetry, drinking too much Mountain Dew, and not sleeping enough. Not raising a baby and mourning my husband. That is just the worst. I feel horrible for her. Not even sarcastically.

So the DAY of her husband’s funeral, some shady-ass mofo shows up at her house, claiming to be a neighbor wanting to say hello and attempting to gain entry. She denied him entry, because she thought, “this is one shady-ass mofo.”

On New Year’s Eve, Shady-Ass Mofo RETURNS, with a FRIEND this time, and a hunting knife, and begins BREAKING INTO HER HOUSE.

Does this faze our bad-ass protagonist? NO IT DOES NOT. She grabs a shotgun and a pistol, gives the baby a bottle, and calls 911. I AM TOTALLY HALFWAY TO IN LOVE WITH HOW EFFING COOL SHE IS UNDER PRESSURE YO.

She asked 911 if she was within her rights to shoot him if he got into her house. 911 told her that, although they could not TELL her it was ok to do that, she had to do what she had to do to protect her baby.

So our protagonist SHOT HIM TO DEATH ONCE HE GOT IN.

OK, so listen. This is an eighteen-year-old, who just lost her husband, and is now raising a three-month-old all by herself. A shady-ass bastard shows up, and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t wielding that knife because he wanted to carve her holiday turkey, you know?

And she shot him.

Sorry, but GOOD.

I know, we don’t like violence. But if it was the death of an eighteen-year-old single mom in mourning and possibly also her child, and most likely it would not just be a death, but whatever else he was there to do to her? And the death of some asshat with a hunting knife, preying on someone in mourning? I’ll take the asshat douchecanoe dying every time, thanks.

Now that I’ve said this, we’ll probably end up finding out more info, like she knew the guy or was a crack addict or really kicked puppies in her free time or something, yeah, I get that, fine, whatever.

But right now? You go, Kick-ass Protagonist from Oklahoma. Also? I’d totally shoot someone if they were coming after The Nephew. Just saying. Without a second thought.

THERE! Your hunting and gunplay roundup for the day, with extra bloodthirstiness! Happy Thursday, minions and minionettes!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

46 responses to “When I was just a baby, my mama told me, “Son, always be a good boy, don’t ever play with guns”

  • jonolan

    A couple of points:

    1 – From what I’ve seen it more often the husband / father with a history of abusive behavior that gets killed by a firearm in domestic violence cases. I’m not finding a problem with that

    2 – In the UK firearm violence has been replaced with knife violence. Not a big deal of difference except that physical strength and skill count for more.

    3 – I might be protecting my home and family from the government with that automatic weapon, who’s enforcers would likely be similarly armed. That was a major point of the 2nd Amendment and one that is still valid today – if not more so.

    I’m laughing about the rat though. I’ve done that! Of course I camped out under a blanket in a chair with a pellet rifle and waited fro the rodent to reappear instead of just going all Eastwood on it. No intoxicants were involved :lol:


  • blogginglily

    “Also, I’m totally anti-bumper sticker, because I think they make your car look like you’re cheap and sad. So probably I won’t get either. Or I will, and I’ll put them randomly in my house somewhere, I don’t know.”

    Because unlike car bumpers, furniture looks WAY classier with stickers on it.

    A shotgun AND a handgun? Hmmm.

    Firefly sticker is one gorram cool mo fo.


  • Omnibus

    I am so totally with you on this!!! Yes, what you said, yes!


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Actually, contrary to popular belief defibrillators are not typically used to restart a stopped heart, but rather for resetting hearth arrhythmia. So perhaps people aren’t dying in dental chairs as much as getting some kind of reaction to the anaesthetics that affect their heart rhythm? But I don’t know; I’m not a medical doctor.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Again, I’m no expert but hasn’t Canada got a higher quota of guns per capita than the United States? And still they’ve got a much lower rate of gun violence.

    To me that hints at the possibility that it’s not guns that cause gun violence but something else.

    Although, it could also have something to do with that type of guns we’re talking about. I can see that there would be less violence with hunting rifles than hand guns, purely down to convenience and access. You wouldn’t keep a rifle under your pillow, after all.


    • lucysfootball

      I’d hope you wouldn’t keep a handgun under your pillow, either! I’m a restless sleeper, that’s a recipe for disaster!

      Have you seen Michael Moore’s “Bowling for Columbine?” He attempts to explain American gun violence. Makes some valid points, some not as much, as with much of his work (no one attack me for this, I’m a Moore fan, I just think his docs are somewhat biased!)


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    On the other hand, I don’t know if I agree with giving people access to powerful tools like guns, chainsaws, cars and airplanes. It only ever ends badly. We should all be locked up, really.


  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Dammit, Amy, I have got a twangy cowboy song in my head now! Thanks!
    (Let ’em be doctors and lawyers and such…)

    In other news, I vote yes on shooting crazed knife-wielding marauders, no on rats. I disapprove of texting while driving (a friend was almost KILLED,) but there are a lot of other stupid things going on behind the wheel. We probably should all be locked up. Sigh.


  • lahikmajoe

    I saw a guy yesterday fishing with three fishing poles. It’s why all the restaurants have such a nice fish selection.

    You New Yorkers are in for a treat. A fishy one, at that.


  • elaine4queen

    i never know if i can put a picture in comments on wp – and sometimes i feel to frail to try things… so here’s a link to a picture that is relevant.



    • lucysfootball

      I love that – AND I didn’t know you were on Tumblr, so, FOLLOWED! Even though I never use mine. I really have to get better about using my Tumblr and my G+ accounts. They’re just languishing, it’s sad.


  • lahikmajoe

    I deliberated about saying anything when I read this the other day, left a comment about 3 fishing poles, and thought I’d gotten by without saying anything. But then I realised I needed to at least state something for the record.

    Though I went to the link about the man in Arizona and have heard plenty of stories about citizen’s rights being infringed upon, I’m still lean rather left when it comes to gun rights.

    One of the many reasons I prefer living in a country where gun ownership isn’t such a polarising issue is that the people here in Germany aren’t manipulated by fear of losing their guns. They’re manipulated by other things, but not that.

    The funny thing is that many Germans actually have hunting weapons, but the tests one has to go through to prove you’re intelligent/balanced enough to use them make it harder for yahoos to get ahold of them. I know just reading that would make some American gun owners sneer at the State regulating people’s rights to defend themselves. So be it.

    The curious thing to me is that when we do have school shootings/people running amok over here, some call it the ‘Americanisation’ of German society. Makes you tear up a bit, doesn’t it?


    • lucysfootball

      I respect that stance – as much as I believe in them, I see the other side very clearly, too. It’s an issue I’m torn about. I mean, I believe what I believe, mainly because I grew up where I did, with people who respected and understood guns – but then again, see that control would stop some of the violence, as well. I’m a total Libra when it comes to certain issues. I see all of the sides.


    • jonolan

      Given Germany’s history, both under the punitive accords at the end of WW1 and during WW2, I can’t understand any German’s position that isn’t staunchly pro-gun ownership.

      There’s no rancor or insult in that. I really just can’t understand it the position at all. It’s a belief structure that, given the history. is utterly alien to me.

      I’d much rather, if we must regulate gun ownership, mandate it and supply military grade hardware to the citizenry and demand that they regularly show competence in its use.

      Of course I also believe that crimes involving firearms should be considered capital crimes…


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