Happy Thursday! Listen, this grippe is the worst, I’m not going to lie. I’m pretty sure I’m on my way out. Also, I looked up what the symptoms of the grippe were, and were you all aware that the grippe is just the flu? Well, that’s disheartening. Doesn’t the grippe sound so much more romantic and like I’d be swooning on my fainting couch wearing a long white nightie? Yes. I want to be sick like in an old novel. If I have to be sick I want to be sick in a pleasing fashion. COME ON SICKNESS WORK WITH ME HERE. Ooh, also the flu used to be called “catarrh.” I LOVE THAT YO. I want to have the grippe AND catarrh. Well, no, let’s be frank, I don’t want to have either of them, I feel like a freezing cold pile of crap right now (no, seriously, I CAN’T GET WARM, and this is not assisted by the fact that my office does not seem to understand that it’s time to TURN OFF THE DAMN AIR CONDITIONING NOW.) But I am TOUGH. I am SOLDIERING ON. Or whatever, really I’m just sitting here making a weird noise whenever I breathe and coughing a lot and doing a lot of “why meeeeeee” and I’m hoping this will annoy them all enough to send me home. So far, no go, but hope springs eternal, you know?
So first, today, I was going to do a “my favorite blogs of 2011” post. But then I thought, listen, I can’t do that. Because it would end up like the one time I tried to do #FF on Twitter. If you’re not on Twitter, you don’t know about #FF. #FF is Follow Friday. You type in someone’s name you think your followers should follow, and hopefully they listen to you. But it becomes like a popularity contest, and people get their noses bent out of joint if they’re not #FF’d, or if others are #FF’d instead of them, and the one time I tried it I failed SO MISERABLY I have been hiding under my #FF rock ever since.
So if I did a best-of blogs post, you know I’d leave someone off, and that would hurt someone’s feelings, and then I’d feel like an asshole? And who likes that? No one. So here’s the scoop. See my blogroll? Those people rock. And are my favorites. So read them and follow them. And, in a week or two, there will be ADDITIONS to the blogroll, because I’ve been remiss about adding my new loves to the blogroll as I come across them. So keep an eye out, I’ll have new people for you to read very soon.
See? I could totally be a politician I’m so vague and non-committal. Also, apropos of nothing, this time of year makes me very excited. I love debates and shit. SO EXCITING YOU GUYS. In another lifetime I think I was a politician. Who probably got assassinated, hence my obsession with political assassins. This would explain a lot, right?
Anyway, then I was thinking about other things, like, how am I out of lunchmeat? I could have sworn I had lunchmeat, like, last week, when I left for the holidays. Did my cat eat my lunchmeat while I was gone? Did a burglar break in, steal only lunchmeat, and then leave? If so, I hope he’s enjoying it, because that’s the saddest robbery I’ve ever heard of. He could have also stolen some other food, if he really needed it. Like, I have a bag of frozen cauliflower I’ve had for like three years he would be totally welcome to, if he wanted it. It’s probably pretty freezerburned but you know, I’m a giver and I hate to think of someone just eating old turkey from Gladware, you know?
No, no, I really did think about other things. So you know how I’m obsessed with my stats, right? So I thought, let’s look and see what posts, since I started this crazy adventure, people have read the most. Wouldn’t that be fun? And then we can try to figure out, based on these, what the readers want. Because, as mentioned above, I’m totally a giver. Plus I love my readers. Like, so much. I’d totally promise you a rose garden, you guys. I mean, if I knew anything about gardening. Or flowers. Or owned any sort of property where a rose garden could be legally planted. Or wasn’t afraid of bees.
Also, when I researched it, I realized that stupid widget over there that tells you what my most popular posts are is completely wrong. I have to take that off. Dumb thing. I’m going to tell you a shocking thing right now: the Blogger widget for that was better. I KNOW RIGHT. Can you even imagine?
The main idea of this post: dating advice for the modern age, provided by my minions
OK, good! I like this post. I like that you like this post, too. You are SMART READERS. Also, I put a happy video in it. You know, like they tell you to do. To make things more visually pleasing. And it was kind of funny. But mostly that was because of the minions. They brought me the advice. I just added things in. Like “douchecanoe.” I mean, you can’t go wrong with douchecanoe.
What we learned that readers like from this post: humor, advice, and lists
The main idea of this post: platitudes and proverbs make me totally stabby
I like this one, because whenever it comes up, that photo of the cat with a rainbow and a tie pops up, and I like to see it. Cats wearing clothing is a total win in my book. Want to see Dumbcat dressed up like a curious reindeer? Here.
See? TOTAL EFFING WIN, am I right? I know, I totally am.
Anyway, this post makes me happy because a., it was fun to write, b., you all seemed to enjoy it, and c., there are SO MANY STUPID PLATITUDES AND PROVERBS that I think I can probably make it a recurring segment here and would have enough material for a few more of them. I approve. You really all have excellent taste. Just saying.
What we learned the readers like from this post: humor, lists, and cats wearing clothing
The main idea of this post: I found my life partner, and his undercover blog name is Randy, and he hates me and my blog SO EFFING MUCH (but that’s just a front for how much he loves me, I think)
Listen, here’s some shocking news for those of you who read this post: Randy never contacted me again. I KNOW RIGHT. You’d think, after I proved he was totally in love with me and all, we’d be married by now, but apparently he’s playing hard to get. It’s really quite the saddest. I totally got his name tattooed across my face all Mike-Tyson style and everything, I’m worried that might have been a mistake now.
Also, I was kind of almost not going to even publish this because I thought it made me look crazy. Well, crazier than normal. Well, FINE, I guess I already look crazy, SO WHY AM I WORRED.
What we learned the readers like from this post: humor, me finding the love of my life, me being insane, me ripping some douchecanoe a new one for being an asshat
The main idea of this post: grammar is your friend, you troglodyte
The sheer fact that this is in the top ten most-viewed posts OF ALL TIME, over seven months of blogging, makes me so happy I can’t even function. GRAMMAR, you guys. GRAMMAR! A thing that is totally the most boring! Well, not to me, but to most people! Is one of my most viewed posts EVER! Also, a teacher (and a wonderful blogger in her own right) is going to use this post to teach her students grammar this semester at school. Are you even serious right now? I can’t even tell you how excited I was the day she asked me if I’d be ok with that. I seriously spun around in my office chair. More than once.
And I thought no one would READ it! And I thought you would all be BORED! I want to French kiss ALL OF YOU RIGHT NOW. No, not you, Pervy Pete. Pants back on. You’re only embarrassing yourself, you know.
What we learned the readers like from this post: humor, GRAMMAR (squee!), feeling superior to others who aren’t good with grammar, intelligence
The main idea of this post: WordPress is awesome; Blogger sucked a bag of dicks
Sometimes I wonder about you guys. I write things that I think no one will care about, and I think, eh, whatever, this jazzes me, so I’m going to post it, and no one will care but me and maybe like a handful of my more constant readers, but this is the sixth-most read of my posts EVER. I’m thinking it’s that I have “makeout” in th. title. So people click on it thinking it’s pervy. Right? Probably. Whatever, it gets the stats up. Anything for you, stats. BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS.
What we learned the readers like from this post: humor, comparisons of blogging platforms
The main idea of this post: slutty Halloween costumes are hysterical. And not everything should be made slutty.
This happened before most of you came on board. Honestly, this post is one of my own favorites. I consider something a success iffor still makes ME laugh months later. Like, you are all aware I crack myself up daily, right? I totally do. When I’m driving around, for example? I have fake conversations with myself, and they are HYSTERICAL. I crack up all the TIME. I had a fake conversation wita myself in my head at the library a few weeks ago about a breastfeeding manual that made me cry silent tears of laughter. Yeah. I’m totally the funniest. Which is awesome? Because ifit’s can’t make yourself laugh, who’s going to make you laugh? No one.
Anyway, I love this post because it’s dirty, and funny. And because I’m inordinately proud of the line “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Who cares, let’s do it in the coat closet.”
What we learned the readers like from this post: humor, slutty Halloween costumes, dirty jokes
The main idea of this post: Country songs are misleading foreign nations as to what goes in on America.
I’m pretty sure I was a little toasted when I wrote this post. Thathe usually the case when a post was written on a Saturday night. I the home from work and I open the Olive Garden magic no-hangover wine and I think “THIS WOULD BE A FUNNY IDEA.” Sometimes it works, sometimes I tweet things that I think are funny but make peopl. think I’m suicidal. It’s a fine line, really.
Anyway, the reasons I’m very qualified to have written this: I’ve driven through Texas (TWICE!), I know some Texans (on the Interwebs! I don’t think I kthey’re in real life. So maybe they’re not real. My dad says no one on the interwebs is real. Also that they’re all liars. Listen, I was crazy head-over-heels in love with a Louisianian once. Does that count? That’s sort of not far from Texas. He was a ginger. And so tall. And one of the funniest men I’ve ever known. SIGH. Please let me wallow in a love that never came to fruition for a moment? Thanks. Moving on) and I’ve listened to enough country music in my lifetime that I could probably pthe an essay exam on it. I don’t know how this happened. At one point, my radio station got tuned to the country channel and I’m extremely lazy and I never changed it off because it told me the weather and I like to know the weather.
What we learned the readers like from this post: humor, lists, making fun of song lyrics and hicks, possibly Texans and/or Germans
The main idea of this post: Tips on how to use Twitter correctly. Also, I have a hammer that I will throw at you if you don’t follow the rules.
I like to give tips, because I’m totally a cranky old woman and things annoy the shit out of me on a daily basis and I don’t understand why you don’t just listen to me and follow the damn rules already. This is probably my favorite tips post. Also? They’re all still totally true. I still believe in all of them. And I still hold my throwing hammer in reserve, in case you asshat it up.
What we learned the readers like from this post: humor, lists, rules, hammers, crankiness
The main idea of this post: I don’t like women who bully other women into thinking they’re not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, or womanly enough. So I ranted.
This post blew up my blog, back in August. It got linked to all over the place. One of the women who wrote one of the articles I called out in the post actually commented on it. I was, and remain, totally proud of this post. I reformatted it, just for YOU, in case you want to read it again (or for the first time, maybe.) I love that it’s still the second-most read post I’ve ever written.
I haven’t been ranty lately. Nothing’s really made me all that ranty, I guess. Do you want me to be ranty again? I could, I suppose. Find me something to get pissed about. Although, can we not do it this week? The grippe and catarrh are totally tiring me out.
What we learned the readers like from this post: when I get pissed off about something, apparently
The main idea of this post: That Rankin-Bass Rudolph special is annoying, yo
How is this my most popular post of all time? That makes me laugh. I’m totally glad it amused you all so much. The Bumble thanks you for your support. So do the misfit toys. And Rudolph’s crazy eyes.
What we learned the readers like from this post: humor, mocking of our childhood traditions, the Bumble
So what have we learned from the stats today?
Apparently, minions, you like humor and lists the most. Which is good? Because that’s what I do most. And best. YAY. I’m so glad we cleared that up. Whew.
I’d make you a humorous list, but I’m totally exhausted and now my coworker gave me a huge project because she thinks I “look bored.” Really? No. It’s not boredom. IT’S THE GRIPPE. Get it right, sunshine.
Humorous list, because I love you:
Things That I Have Done Wrong at Work Since Contracting The Grippe, Also Known as Catarrh:
- Answered the phone with “good afternoon” at 9:15am
- Left the mailbox keys hanging in the mailbox key slot so ne’er-do-wells could totally steal our mail
- Dropped my can of lemonade, then accidentally kicked it across the room when trying to retrieve it
- Forgot to ask “may I ask who’s calling” so made up a name when transferring a call to a co-worker because I was too tired to click back to the caller and ask their name, so many BUTTONS, my WORD
- Tried to write with the pen cap still on the pen
- Asked someone to carry the mail bin for me, because SO HEAVY (it wasn’t heavy)
- Said “what?” about 14 times in a three-minute conversation until the person I was conversing with wandered off (might continue this one in the future, I think that’s a keeper)
- Forgot where I put my coffee, still don’t remember, it’s been 24 hours, WHERE COULD IT BE
All for you, Damien. ALL FOR YOU.