Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:
Happy December! This month, we saw a lot of Christmas-related searches, which is nice, because pretty much I blathered on about Christmas all month. But don’t fret; you also searched for weird garbage, which WordPress collected for me and I just spent the last hour collating it all. What’s that? I have too much free time? I heard that, Snidely McSmartmouth, and I don’t appreciate your tone ONE LITTLE BIT. Go eat some leftover Christmas fudge or something, no one needs your particular brand of snark around here.
There are a lot of new people here now. So to catch you up: I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the sixth one. As you can tell from the title. Search for the others; they’re stellar.) You know. As you do. What do you mean that’s not what you do? You’re all really rude today, I can’t even tell you. Is it the post-Christmas blues? I’m sorry. Those suck. Maybe get one of those Vitamin D sunlamp thingies or something, those help, right? I don’t know, do I look like I have a Ph.D. or an M.D. or whatever the hell? Because I don’t. I mean, I could pretend I do, but that would be misleading, and I might get sent to jail for impersonating a doctor or something.
There was about a page and a half of craziness, all-told, this month. I think people were busy wrapping or weeping or whatever this month. That’s fine. I was, too. Oh, by the way? The cookies went over like gangbusters. Just saying. So in case you were all “ZOMG Amy totally went insane with the cookies” it was totally worth it. Everyone seemed pleased with the outcome. Especially my dad. And that’s all that matters, right? Right.
So ANYWAY, instead of addressing you all individually, which would take like a year or something, I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. Think of it as being inducted into a very elite club, in which you are being made fun of. But with LOVE, my little Fruit Roll-Ups.
Category the First: Ways People Try to Make Work or School More Fun, and Fail Miserably
Expense report jokes
I don’t know that there are so much “jokes” about expense reports. I mean, I guess you could write something like “Line Item: 14 Whoopee Cushions $4,000” on your expense report, but who would that crack up? No one at all, really. It would annoy your Accounts Receivable person or whoever in your office is in charge of the reports and also everyone would think you were a tool. And as much as I love math, there’s very little that’s humorous about a cosine. Awesome, yes. Funny? Nah, no, not really.
Category the Second: Weird Animal Related Search Terms
“how gay your life must be”
cattle lice control comparison charts
I TOTALLY WANT A KOOKABURRA TATTOO YO.
I did a image search so I could show you an actual photo of one but they were all totally the creepiest and worst so pretend I’m showing you one now that’s awesome and I WANT IT.
Also, you’d think the second term up there is kind of homophobic and I was going to make fun of it as such until I realized it was a line from the kookaburra song and then I loved it.
And what’s up with the cattle lice search? That’s a thing? There are cattle lice? And why are you here asking about them, I didn’t even know they existed until today! Aw, poor farmer. I wish I could help you. I like charts. And cattle. And farmers. And control. I don’t like lice, though.
Category the Third: Someone is stalking @lgalaviz wrong
@lgalaviz twitter search
If you want to search someone on Twitter? Maybe SEARCH TWITTER. Not Google, or whatever search engine is your crack of choice. So apparently, someone is stalking @lgalaviz, and I don’t know that I can totally blame them, she’s very stalk-worthy. And they did it through a search engine. Which brought them here, because I talk about her a lot because she is the awesome. @lgalaviz! You have a stalker! You’ve hit the big time, baby! Only, they’re doing it wrong, so they’re a very stupid stalker! Don’t worry, I don’t think they’ll be standing outside your house anytime soon!
Category the Fourth: Search Terms That Make Me Nervous To Be Alive
Stompies slippers knife
Lollipop chainsaw porn Juliet
Horror stories: she inflate him with bicycle pump
Oh, no. No, no. What the eff, and no.
What are the first and second even referring to? I’m so scared for the state of the world right now. Although I do like the word stompies.
The third one…um. Well. I found an urban legend where teenagers in Thailand were pumping air into their rectums with bicycle pumps for a “temporary thrill” but then dying. But it wasn’t true. The way this is worded, though. It’s worrisome, right? It’s specific. And it’s like someone’s asking for TIPS. I’m weirded out. Really weirded out.
Category the Fifth: This Search Term is Way too Vague, Try Again, Slappy
blonde teenager Facebook
I can just see some girl who saw some blonde boy from another school, say at a high school dance or something, who went home and was all, “I WILL FACEBOOK STALK HIM” only she only knew that he was blonde, and a teenager. Aw, honey. Fail. Although this might be a perv search term, come to think of it. And now, ew. Silkwood brain shower.
Category the Sixth: Pervy Search Terms (danger Will Robinson, because, ew)
Porno pros animals
Sexxy girl wall
Paper mache tits
Feeling pee when saw porn
Little Red Riding Hood is hot
Cats sex love
George Bush used condom wrapper
“my awesome busty wife was asked to be one of Santa’s helpers at her office party her costume is very small”
Is “porno pros animals” a thing? I mean, I’m not going to Google it, but if it is, ew! And, ha!
A whole WALL of sexy – sorry, “sexxy” – girls? That’s a lot.
Paper mache tits. Um.
I don’t think you “feel pee” when you see porn. If you do, probably you have a UTI.
Stop doing search terms for sexy fairy tale characters; it’s freaking me out.
I like “penuses.” It’s spelled wrong, but with VERVE.
Deer porn? And cat porn? WHY IS THERE PORN FOR EVERYTHING ON THE INTERWEBS.
What’s the George Bush thing all about? Anyone? No, don’t tell me. That was rhetorical, I don’t want to know.
Also, +1, guy who wrote a really cheery pervy story about his busty Santa’s helper wife in my search terms. You really seem to have a total lust for life. And boobies. And Santa’s helper costumes.
Category the Seventh: Search Terms I Can Answer (and Hi! And I Love You!)
Would you trust your son to go to a football away game at 15? It would depend on how mature he was, how well-chaperoned the game was, and how much I trusted him. Probably I would. At fifteen, I was going to all kinds of things outside of my parents’ view, and I didn’t have any prom babies. Then again, I was a total social weirdo. So take that with a grain of salt. You’re welcome!
A chant to make someone love you Oh, babe, no, no. There’s no chant. Please don’t. That’s crazy-talk. If you need to chant, that person’s not worth your time. Find someone else. You’re welcome. And I’m sorry. Romance is totally hard.
Who were Alan Cumming’s boyfriends before he got married? That’s none of your business, unless you’re Alan Cumming, his husband, or one of the boyfriends. You’re welcome, and mind your own business, Access Hollywood.
Why does Zak Bagans date such ugly women? That’s totally judgey, no? Also, he’s a douche. I watched part of Ghost Adventures when I was home this weekend and for no reason anyone could ascertain, he was wearing a gas mask in this haunted jail, but none of the other people on his team were? It was strange. Also, Aaron, one of the other people on his team who I used to totally have a lady-boner for, lost all kinds of weight and now his clothes hang on him oddly and I no longer lust for him. So I said, “Aaron needs to eat a sandwich or I won’t bone him” and my dad said “Or a whole bunch of sandwiches, I think he’s bulemic or something.” You’re welcome, even though I didn’t answer your question. In my defense, it was a stupid question.
Love mermaid human Splash. 1984. Tom Hanks, Darryl Hannah. Awesome movie. You’re welcome.
Can cats fart when they are pregnant? Who the hell cares? Probably? That’s gross. You’re gross. What a dumb question. You’re welcome, weirdo.
Psychopath adult stepson is vandalizing our home Whoa. Probably kick him out and get a restraining order? That’s worrisome. I’m sorry. The sheer fact that you’re searching for answers on the internet and then coming here for them is a bit troubling, too. You’re welcome? I think? Eep.
Nell Carter mother of Mickey Rooney Nell Carter: date of birth, 1948. Mickey Rooney: date of birth, 1920. Nell Carter: African-American. Mickey Rooney: white. I think probably those two facts alone answer your question? You’re welcome. But also? Thank YOU. Best laugh I’ve had all morning.
Category the Eighth: I Don’t…Um.
Metal chimneys and vent stacks
This was searched for and clicked-through THREE TIMES. Have I even MENTIONED these things? I don’t even know what to say. I know nothing about chimneys, other than they vent smoke away from your house? And someone died and rotted in one in Gremlins? This is perplexing.
Category the Ninth: Things That Have Been Mentioned Here to Some Extent, So Good Job (Also, I Like the Way You’ve Worded Your Searches)
Box of hohos
Captain Hammer is a douche
Dunkin’ Donuts Smokehouse Sausage tastes like a hotdog
Yankee swaps get out of hand
“white elephant” gift exchanges worst ever suck awful materialistic
This was my first time seeing a live theater performance
What is the doll’s problem/What is wrong with the doll on the island of misfit toys
“hermie don’t wanna make toys!”
In some way, shape, or form, all of these have been mentioned here at some point in the past. Which means that yes, you all don’t really belong in this post, because you didn’t find my blog accidentally. But I like the way these searches are worded. Especially the “worst ever suck awful materialistic” one. That person HATES WHITE ELEPHANT GIFT EXCHANGES you guys. Like, so, so much. I wish they worked at my office. We’d have a gay old time at that party.
Also, I hope that the theater person had a good time at their first show. And that they continue to attend shows. Because attendance is down and I’d like that to change, please.
Also, a whole box of HoHo’s = awesome. And I like to imagine that Dr. Horrible was the one that did that Captain Hammer search, because I like to imagine that fictional characters really exist, and that we could be friends.
And I told you all that smoked sausage sandwich at Dunkin’ Donuts looked like a hot dog. NOW WE HAVE PROOF.
Category the Tenth: I Assure You, I Didn’t Mean This in a Pervy Fashion
“I can do it all, I’m totally bendy”
Eleven people searched for this term – IN QUOTES EACH TIME – this month. Some of them searched for it with “Lucy’s Football” attached. Now, last month, it was “I sure do like kissing,” and this month it’s this.
I am totally flattered you think of me in terms of kissing and bending, but also, stop thinking of me in terms of kissing and bending, ok? I’m not kissing or bending with any of you. Sorry. I don’t just kiss or bend with any yahoo. I’m very selective about my kissing and bending.
I didn’t mean I was bendy in a contortionist way. I’m not, actually. I’m just regular-bendy. As people are. It was a throwaway line. But apparently it’s become my catchphrase this month.
I can, though. Do it all. And I am. Totally bendy. Just not in a weird, pervy way. SO PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON DING DONG JOE.
Category the Eleventh: Search Terms That Are Just Plain Awesome
I am a turkey and I know it
Ray if someone asks if you are a god you say yes ringtone
Rabid coyote to draw
Sylar baby clothes
Lucy’s football trick billy bye
“matthew gray gubler” and “hay”
How are you? Baseball hats! I hope fine! Baseball caps!
Furries you really sure you’re not kidding
I love these all SO HARD. I seriously want to give you all AWARDS. I don’t even know where to begin with this awesomeness. I want that ringtone, by the way. I also want someone to draw me a rabid coyote, and I want Sylar baby clothes. What’s up with the baseball caps guy? SO! EXCITED! AND! EXCLAMATION! POINTY! Why’s Dr. Reid hanging out in the hay? Also, the furries thing is my favorite. Can you just imagine someone finding out about furries for the first time, then going home and typing this into Google, with a totally disgusted look on their face? “Furries? You really sure? You’re not kidding?” Hee. I LOVE YOU SEARCHERS. You have made my MORNING. Air kisses!
Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.
(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)