Christmas update: EVERY PACKAGE IS IN THE MAIL. Also, were you aware it costs like, your month’s rent to send packages to Arizona? That’s a total exaggeration, but kind of also true. Post office! Your rates are exorbitant!
Oh! Man, that was rude. HI EVERYONE. It is WEDNESDAY. That’s exciting, right? I mean, in a non-exciting way, that’s totally exciting. Today is also known as “Amy gets her annual evaluation at work day,” which I will not blog about because, you know, sometimes people get fired for things like that, but remember how in Firefly River Tam was all “I can kill you with my brain?” I’m going to be thinking that today. Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to DO it, but I’m going to be thinking it. And that’s all I have to say about that. Because, fired.
Also, it is TWO DAYS BEFORE I GO HOME. And you know what that means, right? Yep. THE NEPHEW. SIGH TIMES INFINITY. The Nephew’s latest thing is that he’s scared of the Grinch. My parents have a Grinch ornament on their tree (which was given to them by their most fabulous – and only – daughter.) The Nephew freaked OUT about that so they put it in the back of the tree so he didn’t have to see it. Now whenever he comes over, he has to sneak around the back of the tree to see if “the scary green man” is still safely back there. Hee. I love The Nephew to pieces. In other news, I guess I will not be reading The Nephew The Grinch when I go home.
So I’m kind of Christmas-ed out, and I assume you probably all are, too, and there’s a lot of insane shit going on in the local news right now, I noticed, last night when I accidentally left the television on the local news channel (“accidentally” was more like “I can’t find the remote because I think it’s under the cat and the cat’s all the way over THERE and I’m buried under all of this wrapping paper so let’s watch the local news on unending repeat, fine, whatever, FINE”) so let’s talk about the crazy crap that’s going on where I live. That’ll be good times, right? Totally will. I know.
MERRY CHRISTMAS (IN HELL)
I know, I know, I said I wasn’t going to TALK about Christmas, I’m a fat liar who lies.
So there was this story on the news and in the paper and such about how Christmas trees are basically DEATH BUSHES and how they get dry and go up in flames JUST LIKE THAT POOF YOU ARE DEAD NOW.
This has caused a run on fire extinguishers and people are all freaking out and whatever.
Also, if you click on that link, it’s the worst, seriously. Look at that flaming tree. It’s a NIGHTMARE OF FLAMES. Holy crap.
They should be. THIS IS HORRIFYING. I don’t want a death bush in my living room. I blogged about this like seventy kabillion years ago, (please ignore the effed up formatting in that, I swear I’m going to fix that shit someday) but I’m petrified of fire, and I have been since I was a little kid and they made me watch some stupid filmstrip where a guy dropped a cigarette ash onto his couch and then like FOUR HOURS LATER the couch burst into flames and killed his WHOLE FAMILY because fire is INSIDIOUS and it WAITS UNTIL YOU LEAST EXPECT IT and then it eats your WHOLE FACE.
So you’re all Christmasy in your Christmas pajamas and your Christmas slippers and you put out your Christmas cookies for the cat burglar who’s breaking in at like 2 am and you’re comfy-cozy ready for bed and then YOU’RE BURNING TO DEATH IN YOUR BED MERRY CHRISTMAS. This is going to scar generations of children, seriously.
Fake tree. FAKE TREE. I know. It doesn’t SMELL as good. Get a damn candle. You know what also doesn’t smell as good? Burning humans.
Also, I don’t know how these trees are catching on fire. I think they might be like Regan in Firestarter.
I’m totally freaked out by the fact that Christmas trees seem to be spontaneously combusting and no one thought to tell anyone until this year.
AS IF AIR TRAVEL ISN’T STRESSFUL ENOUGH
So you know how air travel is like the worst thing now, right, and you have to put things in the right size Ziplocs or they think you’re a terrorist, and your lotion better not be too big, and you have to take off your shoes which totally freaks me out because I don’t like to take off my shoes in public because I don’t know where that floor has been? I’m going on a plane for the first time in 11 years in April and I’m already totally dreading the airport shenanigans, seriously. But there are margaritas and kookaburras waiting for me on the other end. I’ll take off my shoes for margaritas and kookaburras.
So anyway, this happened at our local airport on Monday. Did you click? Probably not. So some college kid was in the bathroom at the airport and some Miami guy made sexual advances toward him. Does it stop there? No it does not. The guy FOLLOWED HIM INTO THE AIRPORT and continued to harass him.
Now I don’t know who I feel sorrier for. The college kid, who was probably all, “No thanks, Bathroom Billy, I don’t really swing that way, so good luck with…um…that, probably put that away now?” and then Bathroom Billy was all “I LOVE YOU” and followed him through our airport, all “LOVE ME! LOVE ME! LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU HERE!” or Bathroom Billy himself, who really seems totally sad and lonely. He was probably really cold. I mean, he was from Miami. He’s probably lost and sad and chilly and looking for love in all the wrong restrooms and like a little lost baby duck and he imprinted onto the college kid and now he’s stuck in the jail all “WHAT DID I DO WRONG ARE YOU MY MOMMY?”
Also, if someone followed me through the airport waving his joystick at me I seriously think I would start laughing like a moron and probably ask him if the reason he got that past airport security is because it’s less than 3.4 ounces. I have inappropriate responses to weird situations. Then I’d blog about it. You know. As you do.
STOP DOING THIS PLEASE
This isn’t something I’m making fun of as much as something I really, really want people to stop doing.
So a local woman had her 3-year-old nephew in the car. She ran home to drop off groceries and get him some diapers. She left him in her car, with the engine running. She made a trip in. When she came back out? The car was gone.
I get it. Kids are hard to wrangle. The Nephew is two and a half, and he’s a wiggly handful. Like, this summer? We took him to the park, and someone gave him a popsicle? (That totally makes it sound like stranger danger. No. There was a family having a picnic, and he was crying because he fell, and the mom said, “Would your boy like a popsicle?” and The Nephew was all “YES I WOULD.” It wasn’t roofied or anything. Calm down, CPS.) And I was carrying him around, because I like to and he’s the best? And he decided, “Nope, done with this popsicle now!” and put it BETWEEN MY TITS LIKE THAT WAS ITS HOLSTER. Cold, The Nephew! Very very cold! And totally sticky! And the look on my face must have been hysterical because The Nephew just laughed and laughed and laughed. So I was cool with that. Anything that makes The Nephew laugh = ok in my book, honestly. So, yeah. Sure. Kids are a handful, and they wriggle and they don’t want to herd where you want them to herd and I get it. I do.
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN IN THE CAR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES UNLESS YOU ARE STANDING RIGHT OUTSIDE THAT CAR WITH YOUR HAND ON THE HANDLE FOR LIKE .0005 SECONDS.
Can you even imagine coming back out and finding out YOUR CAR WAS GONE? I mean, seriously? I would die. I would literally die dead right on the ground. And if I didn’t, for some reason? My brother would kill me dead. And then he would resurrect me so his girlfriend could kill me, and she would resurrect me so my PARENTS could kill me. I mean, seriously. I don’t even leave my CELL PHONE in my car when I go in places. I don’t leave my PURSE in the car. I would never leave a HUMAN BEING in there.
OK, OK, I know you’re all “what happened to the KID, AMY???” He’s fine. I guess the carjacker dumped him a few blocks away and the cops found him and returned him to his mom, and the aunt was arrested for child endangerment, and her car was found dumped not too far away in front of a local apartment complex so the thief just really needed to get home or something, whatever. I like to think of him all “la la la I really wish I had a sweet ride this is a long walk home HERE’S A CAR WITH THE DOOR OPEN AND IT’S RUNNING THIS IS LIKE PROVIDENCE I’D BE A FOOL NOT TO TAKE IT” and then he drives off and hears this little voice from the backseat all, “Can we go get a Happy Meal, mister?” and is all “Oh, shit, looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.”
Also, don’t leave your animals in the car, either. In the winter, it gets cold like a fridge in there. In the summer, hot like an oven. If you’re a jackass who thinks that’s a good idea, I’d like to close you in a fridge or an oven for an hour or so, and then when you get out, see how apt you are to do that to an animal who can’t even tell you how much it hurts ever again. Also, I might punch you in the neck fourteen times.
To recap: don’t leave anything in your car that has a brain or is worth any amount of money. Or ice cream, unless it’s really cold out.
SO THAT’S WHERE I LEFT MY BLOW
So apparently there was ricin or something at one of our million local Dunkin’ Donuts Sunday.
The employees of the Dunkin’ Donuts cracked a roll of pennies and white powder came out and they all started feeling nausea and they had to be contaminated and hazmat was called in and no one knows what it was yet.
Here’s the best part of that article: “Willson said they (the pennies) originally came from a local bank, which rolled them on behalf of an elderly customer.”
Oh, damn! Some old terrorist, yo! Who nefariously ROLLED PENNIES! I mean, that is one tricky plan right there, no one would suspect death by a roll of pennies!
Here’s what I’m thinking. I mean, sure. It might have been ricin or something. Sure it might have. Or baby powder. Or flour. Or dust. Or confectioner’s sugar, you’re at the Dunkin’ Donuts. The power of suggestion is a very strong thing. One time I read some article where everyone thought they were getting poisoned and that there was poison in their building but really it was one person having an allergy attack and they all thought it was poison in the air but they really all got sick from the power of suggestion and I think they all wanted a sick day because they were assholes.
Also, let me tell you a terrorism story. Just because you don’t like cream cheese, you aren’t a terrorist. IT IS TRUE. I was telling someone last night how I didn’t like cream cheese (SIGH, yes, add it to the weird things I won’t eat that everyone loves, like onions, garlic, and beef) and the person (who I won’t out because that’s totally rude, RIGHT MOM??? Oh, shit) was VERY DISTRESSED that I didn’t like cream cheese. “Everyone likes cream cheese,” she said. “I think only terrorists don’t like cream cheese.” So I explained. “Cream cheese makes me gag. It has a very gag-worthy consistency. So much so I think that should be on the container: Philadelphia Cream Cheese! It will make you gag.” Then she decided to gross me out more by telling me how she will spread a bagel with like an INCH of cream cheese and then eat it which made me want to vomit (seriously, not only is is gaggy, but then it’s COLD on your TEETH and GUMS, how do you people find this delectable?), and then she said, “Next you’ll tell me you don’t like cheesecake,” and I said, “You did live with me for 17 years, right? I HATE CHEESECAKE it’s a CAKE that makes you GAG, a whole cake of gagging” and this started another whole round of “I’m pretty sure we’re not related and also that you’re a terrorist.” We did agree that Fritos are disgusting, though, and they smell like feet. So that was our Breakfast at Tiffany’s moment. THAT’S THE ONE THING WE GOT, MOM.
I got distracted again, didn’t I. No one looks surprised. You’re all learning nicely. Here, have a dog biscuit. Good job.
Anyway, so there might be terrorism going on at the Dunkin’ Donuts. I blame that effing hot dog sandwich. SO SO GROSS.
There. Now you are up to speed on all of the important doings in the New York Capital Region. What’s that? There are real news stories here that I didn’t even cover? You know what, you’re totally right. I must have left my press pass at home today.
Shut it, I can totally KILL YOU WITH MY BRAIN.