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Oh, Randy! You came! And you gave! Without taking!

Hi! Hi. How are things? Good? Your Monday going great? What? Mine? Yeah, it’s fantabulous. As Mondays are, you know. I mean, what isn’t exciting about a Monday, what with the working and the deadlines and the rushy-rushy nonsense? Nothing, is what. Mondays are JUST THE BEST.

Anyway! So let’s talk about blogs, okay? I know, I know, we talked about blogs YESTERDAY. And we’re doing it again! Today! Suck on it, haters, I got some THINGS that need SAYING, you feel me? Why am I talking like I’m from the street? I don’t know. I think I might have accidentally left the television on Law and Order: SVU last night while I was puttering around the living room or something.

So I do this blog thing. And listen, I just dig it the most, baby. It makes me irrationally happy. Like, I’d probably rather blog than do almost anything. Which is good, because otherwise, it’s a little confusing why I’m here at all. And I’m super-happy with this blog, and the work I do over at The Loser’s Table (which I have to do more of, speaking of – SORRY SORRY LOSERS I AM COMING RIGHT OVER SOON I PROMISE) and Insatiable Booksluts (again, I promise, new Death Match as soon as I can! Damn you holiday season full of busy-ness!) Do I know what I’m doing? Eh, I don’t know. Sort of? People read what I write. People seem to like it. I like the people who seem to like it an awful damn lot.

Here’s the question I get a lot. Is this me? I mean, is this how I really talk in real, real life?

Yes. And no.

If I love you and I send you an email from real live me, does it sound like this blog? Yes. Sometimes. I use my all-caps. I like parenthetical asides. I make words up all willy-nilly if the English language doesn’t have a word that quite suits what I want to say. Sure. Sure I do that. Because listen, if I’d created a completely different persona to write my blog with, I think it would have gotten old quickly, and I would have probably dropped it like I’ve done with the millions of other things in my life I’ve gotten bored with and moved on from. Like quilting, and beading, and sleeping 8 hours a night.

The people who know me best have said that reading this blog is like having a conversation with me daily. So yes. Yes, how I write here is very much how I write (and talk) in real life.

But also, I’m not always this hyper. Sometimes I’m a calm kitty. I know! Total shocker, yes? It’s called exaggeration. I do it for effect. It makes things over in these parts more EXCITING. But sometimes I write nice, calm posts. Like the John Lennon post last week. I’m totally bendy. I can do it ALL, baby.

Anyway, this is going off-topic so far that we’ve gotten to the bad part of town and we need to lock all the car doors in case someone tries to get in the car while distracting us by squeegeeing our windows with a dirty squeegee.

I don’t have any advice on HOW to write a blog. I just WRITE a blog. Is it good? Subjective. Maybe. Maybe it is. Maybe it’s just a hell of a lot of fun for me, and if you get that, cool, you can hop on my trolley, and if you don’t, great, another trolley’s coming right up, maybe you’ll like that conductor better, I don’t know.

So this weekend, a friend re-posted one of my posts (the one about “it is what it is”) on Facebook, and tagged a couple of his friends who he thought would enjoy it.

That resulted in this: the single most enjoyable blog critique I have ever received in my LIFE.

“I got to the second paragraph and realized I’d need to drink heavily before reading the rest. Where does one sentence stop and another begin? How do you justify entire and completely different thoughts parenthesized within a single, 6-line sentence? WHY DO THINGS NEED TO BE CAPITALIZED? I haven’t finished reading it yet, but I guess it is what it is”.

Now, before you, my loyal and loving minions, get all up-in-arms and “what the hell” and “what a douche” – please know I am not in the least bit offended by this. This has brought me more joy than you can even imagine. It is SO PERPLEXED. And it is SO INDIGNANT. Also, everything is spelled correctly (“parenthesized” made me shiver with delight) – and it’s a commenter on Facebook, where spelling and grammar are, as I’m sure you’re all aware, apparently optional. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with this person right now. AND, you KNOW he’s in love with me. Because, if we’ve learned anything from third grade, it’s that the boys that insult you the MOST also LOVE you the most, right? Yes yes yes.

I’m going to ignore the fact that later on in the conversation he told me that my usage of caps lock was “trite and over-done” because our burgeoning love is JUST THAT TRUE and JUST THAT RIGHT. Also, I hate conflict. I was telling @lahikmajoe about this this weekend. One time, when I worked at the video store, my big old mouth almost got me in a fight. Because there was this chick that worked there. And I was pretty sure she was an out lesbian. So someone said, in conversation, “you know, that girl who’s so mean to everyone” and I said, “Yeah, I know, the lesbian?” NOT DEROGATORILY I LIKE LESBIANS VERY MUCH. It was like saying, “the one with brown hair” or “the one with the nose ring.” I don’t give a shit what gender gets you off, for the love of Pete. Anyway, someone passing by heard that and told her “Amy called you a dyke” (I would NEVER EVER SAY DYKE) and so she showed up at the store one night when I wasn’t working and told my BFF to call me and get me there so she could kick my ass in the parking lot for calling her a dyke. (A., why’d you come on a night I wasn’t scheduled? B., I was like 23 at the time, that’s a little old for a parking-lot rumble, no?) So he called me and told me “Under no circumstances come here because she is scary. Also probably a lesbian so I’m not sure why she’s so mad.” And I kind of wanted to come there? Because I’ve never been in a fight, and maybe you should experience everything once. But he was all “NO NO AMY STAY HOME NO ONE LIKES FIGHTS” so I did. Then a year later she came into my new place of employment with a woman and they were holding hands and also kissing so I’m a little perplexed as to why she wanted to kick my ass for something that was true, but I guess that’s neither here nor there. I really didn’t say dyke. Who says dyke? Assholes, that’s who.

Dear Facebook Friend of a Friend Whose Name I Will Not Use Because I Think You Might Sue Me So I Will Call You Randy (aka Randy):

First, thank you. Thank you for one of the most enjoyable blog critiques I’ve ever had. No! I’m completely serious. I know it sounds like I’m being sarcastic? But I’m not. There was a skit once, on Kids in the Hall, where Dave Foley was sad because everything he said came out sarcastic, and he was so lonely because no one wanted to befriend the sarcastic man. I am the lonely sarcastic man in this scenario, Randy. I mean no sarcasm in this remark.

Let’s break this down, shall we?

First, thank you for reading a whole paragraph and part of a second. That’s further than a lot of people get! You’re the best. Are we in love? I think we might be. I like the direction this is going, Randy. I like it very much.

Second, as I told you on Facebook, yes. I always recommend that any of my readers drink heavily. Unless you’re in AA. Then probably don’t. I’d hate to hinder your recovery. That would be a total douche move on my part. And don’t tell me if you are in AA. The second A prohibits you telling me, I’m pretty sure. Listen, if you drink, I recommend Saturdays. We have Wine Saturdays on Twitter. Do you have a Twitter account, Randy? If you do, you should follow me. I’m a hoot over there. And as we’re totally in love now, I think you’d probably want to follow me. We could talk about cute stuff in our Twitter feed and people would know we were in love, and it would just be the best. In order for this long-distance relationship we’re in now to work, you really have to put some effort in.

As for where one sentence stops and the other begins, the rule of thumb is: follow the period. See? I just used one there. And another! Sometimes I end sentences with question marks; sometimes with exclamation points. Once in a while, I totally utilize an interrobang!? But you get the idea, Randy. End stop; new sentence, starting with a capital letter. Or sometimes with a new paragraph, I suppose. See how helpful I am? Just what you want in a mate, right? Thought so.

Justification of my parenthetical asides? Well, Randy, sad to say, I have none. Wait, no. That’s not wholly true. I have undiagnosed ADD, and sometimes I think of something SO EXCITING I can’t wait to share it. So I pop it in, parenthetically. I’m sorry if you think it didn’t flow. It probably didn’t. We’re still totally in love though, right? I’m a little worried you might not want me to meet your family now, and I’m pretty sure I’d rock at family-meeting.

Now, let’s discuss caps lock. That’s a dealbreaker, my adorable new sweetpea. I love my capslock. And my capslock loves me! I’m sure you totally spent your whole weekend reading all of my archives, and also my FAQ, where I explain my capslock usage, but in case you need a refresher: I actually KNOW that italicizing is classier and the way you’re SUPPOSED to do things. I don’t like doing things the way people tell me to, Randy. (Probably you’ll get that once we move in together. When’s that happening, by the way? Soon, right? I think you’ll like what I bring to the table. I have a red toaster. A RED TOASTER RANDY. I bet you have just a boring white toaster or something! Think of the joy you’ll get when making toast in my – I mean OUR – red toaster! The most joy, Randy. THE MOST JOY. Oh, wait, did I lose my train of thought? HOW UNLIKE ME RANDY.) So to answer your question: why? Why do things “need” to be capitalized? Well, they don’t NEED to be. But how boring would life be if we just did the bare minimum? You don’t seem like much of a go-getter, Randy, to tell you the truth. Like, I bet you don’t even like socks with wacky things on them. I would totally buy you wacky socks, Randy. AND WRITE YOU LOVE LETTERS ALL IN CAPS RANDY. Let’s do this.

Here’s what I like most about your comment, Randy. It ends on a note of hope. “I haven’t finished reading it YET.” (Capslock most definitely mine.) Yet? YET, Randy? So you’re going to, then. Don’t even tell me we’re not totally the most head-over-heels in love you’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure this is that meet-cute they’re always talking about in romantic comedies, isn’t it. WON’T WE LAUGH AT OUR WEDDING RANDY. Whoo. Listen, though, I wrote a whole post about wedding rules, so you’re going to want to read that to brush up on my dos and don’ts. Like, if you face-cake-smush, we’re going to throw down.

Also, just to briefly address your comment of “trite” and “over-done” from last night: I’ll try harder, baby. I’ll work my way up to “hackneyed.” And – do I dare say it? – I’m going to strive for “jejune.” I’ll do that. I’ll do that for YOU. I’m totally into making this work. I’d do anything for love, Randy. NO I WON’T DO THAT RANDY.

So, in conclusion, Randy, I’m so glad we’re in love. And just so you know, I discussed it with my Twitter feed and when you propose (I’m really into platinum rings, just BTW, no, no, babe, nothing gaudy, I’m totally low-maintenance) I have to clear my acceptance with my minions, because if they’re not happy, NO ONE’S HAPPY RANDY. Don’t worry though, darling. I’m pretty sure they’ll love you. I mean, your impeccable grammar usage alone already has me all fluttery.

I eagerly await our lifetime of love together, Randy. I’m readying my capslock now.

LOVE, AMY. (SIDE NOTE: I don’t really have a side note. I just know you love them. IT’S ALL FOR YOU DAMIEN.)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

38 responses to “Oh, Randy! You came! And you gave! Without taking!

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    I wish you and Randy all the best, once he gets past the capslock issue, and he will because it will be SO WORTH IT! What price wedded bliss? A unilateral capslock surrender (on his part, NATCH.) Invite me. I love fun weddings.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Unfortunately, I think we are doomed. My minions have put the kibosh on our love affair before it even got off the ground. I KNOW. It’s the worst, right? Oh, well. Guess I’ll have to find someone else who’s into insulting me on social media. Where could I find someone like that. Oh! Wait! In my spam queue! SO MANY OPTIONS!

      Like

  • jbrown3079

    This how the movie You’ve Got Mail should have been written. You would, of course, play you. Randy could be played by……..Brad Pitt.

    You meet at a blogger convention and realize he is the guy leaving clever criticism on your blog.

    And you both live happily ever after.

    I smell Oscar.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t like Brad Pitt. I find him untrustworthy. He laughs too easily and too loudly and a little too long each time. Acceptable substitutes: Jason Bateman, David Duchovny, Ewan MacGregor, or John Cusack.

      That’s actually an awesome idea for a movie. I’d watch that. EVERYONE would watch that. Write that, please. There are a lot of shitty movies produced every year. A good one would be refreshing.

      Like

  • lgalaviz

    Is it to redundant to point out that the WORST way possible to prove you are NOT a dyke is to show up at a person’s place of work to kick their ass? This seems to me like very dyke-like behavior. I hate to stereotype though. I’m sure she was quite pretty. Some people look very feminine pacing around store fronts with their fists clenched. Not everyone can pull it off.

    Like

    • lahikmajoe

      You got something against Buddhism, too? Because I’ll kick your ass up & down this street in the name of the Buddha.

      Watch yourself.

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        I’m fairly sure I don’t. Did I say something that implied I did? I don’t know much about it, other than everyone who practices it seems super-calm, and I think that’s admirable because I haven’t known a calm day in my LIFE. Including the times I’ve been medically sedated. So I’m going to say no? No. I’m going to say DEFINITELY NO. Are we good?

        Like

        • lahikmajoe

          Oh, I was further pointing out the absurdity that Lisa had mentioned. Proving you aren’t a lesbian by such threatening behaviour is similar to a Buddhist getting up in arms about defending his Buddhism. It’s just not very Buddhist.

          But you know, my mother told me there were some warlike Buddhists somewhere. Who’d gone into battle to protect their way of life.

          I haven’t actually met any of those sort of Buddhists either. Just the ones like you mentioned. The mellow ones who might as well be sleeping.

          Like

    • lucysfootball

      She was not pretty. She was scary. Very, very scary. My friend texted me today after he read this to reminisce about how terrifying she was. Also, how furious about life. Although when I saw her making out with that woman a year later she seemed pretty content, so I’m glad things worked out for her.

      Like

  • Omnibus

    But… but… I love you!!! Tell me I’m not too late! Tell me I didn’t miss my chance! Tell me I can steal you away from that cad, Randy! I’ll be good to you—–Oh, wait… I’m a dyke… never mind.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      LISTEN OMNIBUS. I just today realized who you are. Which is exciting, but also I feel like a douchecanoe because I didn’t realize it sooner. I thought you’d stopped commenting and I was totally the saddest! But you just took an awesome assumed name so you’re like in the witness protection program or something! Now I feel better. But also still like a douchecanoe. And I miss Strange Package, so please pass along my love.

      Also, I promise, if I liked the ladies, like, LIKED the ladies? I’d wing my way to you in a SECOND. You’d be my first choice. Promise. @heinakroon tells me that if I live to 93 I’ll probably turn into a lesbian vampire, so if you can wait a while, I’m all yours!

      Like

  • lgalaviz

    How can ANYTHING (triple caps!) on this blog be “trite” and “over-done”?!?! You obviously dump it all fresh from your brain right out onto the web. None of this stuff has EVER EVER EVER shown up on a Hallmark card. I don’t like this Randy. I don’t like him at all.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Due to your refusal to be my maid of honor even though I would let you have a nice dress and everything, I’m calling the wedding off. It’s sad, I’m pretty sure Randy and I would have been really good together. What with the bitter carping and judgmentalism. That’s the basis for any sound relationship, right? I mean, that’s what sitcoms with laugh tracks have taught me, anyway.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Yes, you DO sound a little like a 1970s blacksploitation dolphin* at the beginning of the post, but that’s ok.

    I’m not so sure about this guy, however (and not just because we want to keep you all to ourselves!); he seems awfully critical. Like, he might start to critique EVERYTHING you do, like what you have for breakfast (“Really? Toast again? And made from that horrible low carb bread? Are you sure you don’t want half of my really bitter grapefruit instead?”) or dinner (“Have you even tried this houmous? What do you mean you don’t eat garlic? Are you a vampire now?” (although I kind of have to agree with him on the garlic thing)). And trust me: that stuff will get old real quick!

    Also, are you sure he’s a real person? He could be a bot. And wouldn’t you look silly marrying a bot that insisted on smudging wedding cake all over your face?! (On the other hand, that whole girl + robot thing seemed to work for Jane in Tanith Lee’s S.I.L.V.E.R., at least to begin with. But I seem to remember she was a virgin; don’t know if that’s important really.) You might want to at least confirm he’s an actual human before consenting to marrying him.

    * Don’t ask. Hmm? Ok, fine: It’s a Bill Bailey joke about an ex-military dolphin trying to explain to other dolphins how he could’ve worked for “the man” by placing limpet mines on enemy crafts. To which he replies, in a 1970s blacksploitation style: “You weren’t there, man. You weren’t there.” See? I told you not to ask, didn’t I?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m pretty sure I can’t marry him. Such a shame, too. People with proper grammar are few and far between. Especially on Facebook. But you and @lgalaviz are pretty adamant, and I trust you both. Also, I don’t think @lgalaviz will be my maid of honor, even though I offered to let her wear a nice dress, not even an ugly one like usually you have to wear at weddings.

      I’m pretty sure he’s not a bot. I saw a picture and everything. And it wasn’t a girl in a swimsuit. Most bots are girls in swimsuits. At least on Twitter.

      Wait, you have to be a virgin to marry a robot? You know EVERYTHING. I’m pretty sure someone should let you take over all the universities.

      I totally would be the best blacksploitation dolphin. I like dolphins. I touched one once and his skin felt like a wet tire. He was the most cheerful about me touching him, too. Didn’t phase him at all.

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Thank you!! Yes, I sure think they should! And now they’re being all stingy and won’t even let me take over this puny little blue and green planet here in the outskirts of this menial little spiral galaxy. And I’ve found my perfect evil lair and everything: an abandoned nuclear missile silo in upstate New York. They just won’t let me forget that little mishap in Andromeda, which I think is a little bit unfair. I mean, come ON! I only lost four planets that time, and they weren’t even GOOD planets! SO unfair!

        (On an unrelated side note: every time I try to type evil lair on my phone, it auto-corrects it to ‘weevil design’. Which is stupid. No one needs to design any more weevils; we’ve got quite enough of them now thank you very much! (Also, I’ve had to stop saying ‘nice post’ in post comments as my phone ALWAYS change it to ‘nice pussy’. I think it might have a secret sordid life of its own.))

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          The autosuggestions on this awesome new phone keyboard that @piisalie pointed me toward are the funniest. It remembers what I type the most, so “hammers” pops up a lot. “Awesome.” “Totally.” Every time I type, I’m reminded of what I say too often. It makes me giggle.

          Also, you’re coming to upstate NY? Please let me know when inhabit your evil lair; I’m very familiar with the area and can point out the best places for you to shop for home goods and groceries. I’ll bring you a fruit basket as a welcome gift, too.

          Like

  • Rich Crete

    Let’s see…what to get Amy and Randy (Amandy) for their nuptials? Hmmm…birds are out….he’s already got an asshat…

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m thinking probably cheese. Everyone likes cheese. I’m sure Randy will. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like cheese. Unless he’s lactose intolerant. I mean, he does seem super-intolerant. Dammit.

      Like

  • lahikmajoe

    Had to take a break in the middle of reading this to take my dogs out.

    Read it when I got back, but now I wish I hadn’t read it YET.

    Oh, thanks for the mention. Am glad you think your minions like it when I appear.

    We really should grill your dad a bit more seriously. He might be holding out on the separated siblings thing.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You’re totally the special guest star that pops up once and a while and people are all “OOH! This is a @lahikmajoe episode! I LOVE WHEN HE’S ON!” and then they blow up Twitter all “TUNE IN TONIGHT IT’S A @LAHIKMAJOE EP!!!”

      My dad’s very serious about the whole thing. I’m pretty sure there are only two kids in the Amy family. But I do have many uncles and aunts, so maybe you’re a secret cousin?

      Like

  • Accomplishing Valentine’s Day « The Best Self-Help T-Shirt Catalog Ever!

    […] good for drill bits, but no girl wants to get a drill for Valentine’s Day. Except maybe that lesbian who tried to beat up @lucysfootball outside the video store. She would probably love one. But she might beat you up, so I wouldn’t mention […]

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