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If any of you yahoos gifts me a bird, I’m seriously going to punch you in the neck.

One of my friends, the other day, posted on Facebook that if you were to purchase all of the items mentioned in the Twelve Days of Christmas song today, the total would be $24,263.

Huh. Well, it’s nice you can put a price on people? Because that’s what most of those gifts are. People. Is that for actually slave-buying those people? Or, like, renting those people? I’m assuming probably renting. But maybe buying. It’s a shitty economy, maybe those drummers and pipers and whatnot are all “PLEASE PURCHASE ME AND PUT A ROOF OVER MY HEAD,” I don’t know.

(Also, oddly enough, that website up there says that eight maids-a-milking would cost $58. Really? Hey, maids-a-milking, you’re totally undervaluing yourselves. We all need to stand on tables, Norma-Rae- style, and chant for these maids. COME ON PEOPLE SERIOUSLY. THINK OF THE MAIDS.)

Then I was thinking about that song, and listen, no, seriously, you’re not listening at all, it’s like talking to a toddler with you, LISTEN SLAPPY, those gifts are totally the worst suck. Who wants all that garbage? No one. The answer is no one. I mean, anyone could come up with a better list of things to give someone over twelve days of Christmas than that. YES EVEN ME. What? Are you CHALLENGING me to do it? FINE I WILL HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES.

Shit, now I have to DO it. Man, you guys and your challenges. I’m like Marty McFly with the not being able to back down from a challenge even if it means my inevitable doom, I swear. FINE. HERE.

First Day of Christmas

Partridge in a Pear Tree

Why this is a sucktastic gift: Birds are never a good gift. They’re loud, they shit everywhere, they’re messy, and they’re not very loving at all. Also, this guy I knew once had a bird, and it HATED me. It totally tried to bite my ear off. And partridges are hunted birds, so wouldn’t hunters always be trying to kill your partridge? That would be totally dangerous. Also, I hate pears, and where would I even KEEP a pear tree? I live in an apartment about the size of one of those storage sheds off the highway where people are always finding dead bodies and shit. I don’t have a yard. If I tried to plant a pear tree in my apartment complex yard, I think I’d be evicted, then, what, I’d be living in my car with a friggin’ partridge? This is the worst.

What would be a better gift: Well, it’s the first day of Christmas, which the interwebs tells me is actually Boxing Day. I know it’s confusing. Here’s the Wikipedia article if you want to research. So it’s the day after Christmas. You know what I want the day after Christmas? A soft pillow and a pair of noise-cancelling earplugs, because I am EXHAUSTED and STRESSED OUT and need to sleep for 24 hours to CALM THE HELL DOWN.

(Also, in doing this, I have to play the game of repeating, ad nauseum, that I have a true love. FOR TWELVE WHOLE DAYS. That’s annoying. Who believes in that crap nowadays? This isn’t medieval times. I’m not sending someone into battle wearing my token. I’m not saving myself for marriage. Or, at least I hope I’m not, because if I was supposed to be doing that, I forgot where I was saving myself and I think I lost myself like seven moves ago or something. I don’t want to play this stupid true love game. I’M CHANGING THAT AND MAKING SOMETHING UP.)

New lyric: On the first day of Christmas, Dr. Spencer Reid gave to me: a soft pillow and a pair of noise-cancelling earplugs.

Second Day of Christmas 

Two Turtle Doves

Why this is a sucktastic gift: Doves are WORSE THAN PARTRIDGES. They coo. CONSTANTLY. And also shit, are mean, messy, etc. And there are TWO of them. You know what that means, right? BABY BIRDS. This is awful, seriously. This is the suck gift that keeps on suck giving.

What would be a better gift: It’s December 27. That’s the day I’m heading back home after the holidays. I’m tired, I’m crabby because I have to go to work tomorrow, I have to make a gazillion trips to and from the car in the cold to bring crap into the house once I get home. Let’s see. What would be better. OH WAIT I KNOW.

New lyric: On the second day of Christmas, Dr. Spencer Reid gave to me: two bottles of delicious non-hangover-inducing Olive Garden red wine and a soft pillow and a pair of noise-cancelling earplugs.

Third Day of Christmas

Three French Hens

Why this is a sucktastic gift: YOU ALREADY KNOW I HATE BIRDS. Why the HELL are you giving me all these effing BIRDS? This is THREE TIMES AS MANY BIRDS as you started with. Come the hell ON. STOP GIFTING ME LIVESTOCK.

What would be a better gift: I’m thinking anything but birds. OK, well, at this point, I’m looking over my presents and thinking, what didn’t I get that I wanted, and needed? And the answer is, as always, DVDs. I always ASK for DVDs and I never GET DVDs because my family thinks buying any sort of media – music, movies, books, etc. – is a waste of time, because once you watch/listen once, you will never use it again so it’s garbage. I KNOW. Sometimes I try to trick them into telling me where they adopted me from but so far they haven’t slipped up and told me. I’M TOTALLY THE MOST PERSISTENT THOUGH.

New lyric: On the third day of Christmas, Dr. Spencer Reid gave to me: three seasons of Buffy on DVD, two bottles of delicious non-hangover-inducing Olive Garden red wine and a soft pillow and a pair of noise-cancelling earplugs.

Fourth Day of Christmas

Four Colly Birds

Why this is a sucktastic gift: FOR THE LOVE OF PETE WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME. Four? FOUR MORE EFFING BIRDS? And do you know what a colly bird is? I looked it up. It’s a blackbird. Who the hell wants a blackbird? They’re all over the place outside! They’re like the bottom-feeders of birds! Can you IMAGINE the amount of shit-shoveling I’m going to have to do with all of these effing BIRDS?

What would be a better gift: At this point, a sharp stick in the EYE would be a better gift than all of these birds, seriously. Ooh, I know. You know what I always want for Christmas and can never have enough of? SPARKLY SHIT.

New lyric: On the fourth day of Christmas, Dr. Spencer Reid gave to me: four bottles of glittery nailpolish, three seasons of Buffy on DVD, two bottles of delicious non-hangover-inducing Olive Garden red wine and a soft pillow and a pair of noise-cancelling earplugs.

Fifth Day of Christmas

Five Golden Rings

Why this is a sucktastic gift: I know what you’re thinking. “Amy! This one’s actually all kinds of awesome!” Nope. I hate gold. I don’t own anything gold; I look horrible in gold; I think gold looks cheap on me; and if anyone bought me five golden rings, I would ask them what the catch was, because I am very, very weird about gifts. I don’t like to accept them unless I know the motive behind them being given. So if you gave me five golden rings, I’m pretty sure your motive would be that you thought you owned my soul now. Also, you don’t know me very well, as I don’t wear gold, only silver, and would send them to the nearest melt-down-your-gold-for-cash place and buy something awesome for myself with the proceeds, to be frank.

What would be a better gift: I really need more measuring cups. I keep ruining mine. I don’t know why. One fell and the handle snapped off, one melted because it got too close to the stove, I threw one at the cat when the cat was clawing my couch and it broke, I can’t find another one. What does that have to do with golden rings? Shit, I don’t know. Nothing, I guess. I like practical gifts an awful damn lot. Last year, one of my favorite gifts I received was a CARTON OF TOILET PAPER. No, I’m NOT kidding. It’s my Christmas list, so back off.

New lyric: On the fifth day of Christmas, Dr. Spencer Reid gave to me: five sets of measuring cups, four bottles of glittery nailpolish, three seasons of Buffy on DVD, two bottles of delicious non-hangover-inducing Olive Garden red wine and a soft pillow and a pair of noise-cancelling earplugs.

Sixth Day of Christmas

Six Geese-a-Laying

Why this is a sucktastic gift: You’re not even serious right now, are you? Not only are you giving me geese – my hatred and fear of which has been documented – but you’re giving me geese that are LAYING. LAYING MORE GEESE. One time, I was driving the back way into work, and there was this flock of geese, and so I slowed down (seriously, I am not the best driver when it comes to animals, I know you’re not supposed to slow down for silly things like squirrels or mice but I like to give them a fighting chance because AW ANIMALS) and those effing ballsy geese didn’t even MOVE. They STARED DOWN MY CAR. Then one of them PECKED MY HEADLIGHT. Can you even imagine? Geese are the DEVIL. Why are you giving me SIX of these evil bastards?

What would be a better gift: I’m going to go with pudding. WHO THE HELL DOESN’T LIKE PUDDING.

New lyric: On the sixth day of Christmas, Dr. Spencer Reid gave to me: six cans of Thank You brand chocolate pudding, five sets of measuring cups, four bottles of glittery nailpolish, three seasons of Buffy on DVD, two bottles of delicious non-hangover-inducing Olive Garden red wine and a soft pillow and a pair of noise-cancelling earplugs.

Seventh Day of Christmas

Seven Swans-a-Swimming 

Why this is a sucktastic gift: WHAT KIND OF TRUE LOVE ARE YOU. I told you I HATE ALL THE BIRDS. Swans are just geese wearing better clothes. You are the worst true love ever. You’re so not getting any Christmas sex, I swear to you.

What would be a better gift: You know what I don’t ever have enough of? Wacky-ass socks. I love wacky-ass socks like you can’t even imagine. Like, with cartoons on them, or whatever. I have Goonies socks. I’m not even kidding you right now. THEY ARE THE BOMB YO.

New lyric: On the seventh day of Christmas, Dr. Spencer Reid gave to me: seven pairs of awesome wacky-ass socks, six cans of Thank You brand chocolate pudding, five sets of measuring cups, four bottles of glittery nailpolish, three seasons of Buffy on DVD, two bottles of delicious non-hangover-inducing Olive Garden red wine and a soft pillow and a pair of noise-cancelling earplugs.

Eighth Day of Christmas

Eight Maids-a-Milking

Why this is a sucktastic gift: I don’t have the room in my place for eight people. There’s barely room for me and my cats. Also, what are they milking? I assume they come with eight cows? I mean, I dig cows. Don’t get me wrong. Cows are just about the best. My parents’ neighbors have cows, and one of them was the friendliest cow? And if I stood by the fence (but not too close, that sucker was electrified, I found that out the hard way, zap! Ow!) that cow would come over and let me pet her face and scratch her ears and sometimes she would lick my hand with her big old scratchy tongue. I LOVE COWS. But I don’t want all those maids. Also, if they’re maids, they’re probably really young, and I’d have to deal with all of that teen angst bullshit and eye-rolling and weeping for no reason and door slamming I don’t have the skills to deal with that. NO THANK YOU TRUE LOVE.

What would be a better gift: I am obsessed with stationery supplies. It’s almost a sickness. And do you know what I never have enough of? Post-its. But not BORING Post-its. I like the neon ones. Because those are prettier. Especially the purple ones. I want Post-its for Christmas dammit.

New lyric: On the eighth day of Christmas, Dr. Spencer Reid gave to me: eight packages of neon Post-its, seven pairs of awesome wacky-ass socks, six cans of Thank You brand chocolate pudding, five sets of measuring cups, four bottles of glittery nailpolish, three seasons of Buffy on DVD, two bottles of delicious non-hangover-inducing Olive Garden red wine and a soft pillow and a pair of noise-cancelling earplugs.

Ninth Day of Christmas

Nine Ladies Dancing 

Why this is a sucktastic gift: Well, again, there is NO ROOM for all of these people in my place. Also, dancers are notoriously high-strung. And bendy, my word. I’d constantly be barraged by these women with perfect bodies dancing around and my self-esteem would just plummet. Also, they’d probably be vomiting all the time, because I watched Black Swan and apparently that’s what you do to stay thin. I DON’T WANT PUKEY HOT WOMEN DANCING ALL UP IN MY APARTMENT.

What would be a better gift: You know what I’d really like nine of? Nine more hours in a day to frig around on the interwebs or watch crap television. Can I put intangible things on my list? YES I CAN. Why? IT’S MY LIST SO BITE ME.

New lyric: On the ninth day of Christmas, Dr. Spencer Reid gave to me: nine more hours in the day to waste as I see fit, eight packages of neon Post-its, seven pairs of awesome wacky-ass socks, six cans of Thank You brand chocolate pudding, five sets of measuring cups, four bottles of glittery nailpolish, three seasons of Buffy on DVD, two bottles of delicious non-hangover-inducing Olive Garden red wine and a soft pillow and a pair of noise-cancelling earplugs.

Tenth Day of Christmas

Ten Lords-a-Leaping

Why this is a sucktastic gift: Ugh, seriously, there are so many people in my place right now I’m getting total social anxiety and need to go breathe deeply into a paper bag. Why are these lords leaping? That seems suspect. STOP POPPING ALL OVER LIKE POPCORN LORDS. Sit DOWN. Here. I have a shit-ton of Christmas cards that need writing out, use all that excess energy in doing something productive, for the love of Pete.

What would be a better gift: I’m kind of obsessed with Think Geek at the moment. You know about Think Geek, right? There are so many items of awesomeness in this catalog I can’t even deal with it. But it’s never anything I NEED. So I don’t buy it. I usually save my money for things like chocolate and wine. You know. Necessities.

New lyric: On the tenth day of Christmas, Dr. Spencer Reid gave to me: ten gift certificates to Think Geek, nine more hours in the day to waste as I see fit, eight packages of neon Post-its, seven pairs of awesome wacky-ass socks, six cans of Thank You brand chocolate pudding, five sets of measuring cups, four bottles of glittery nailpolish, three seasons of Buffy on DVD, two bottles of delicious non-hangover-inducing Olive Garden red wine and a soft pillow and a pair of noise-cancelling earplugs.

Eleventh Day of Christmas

Eleven Pipers Piping

Why this is a sucktastic gift: Well, I now live on my porch, as there is just no more room in my place for even a single other person. So that’s nice, as it’s winter and all. And to top it all off? They’re PIPERS. They’re PIPING. That’s not going to get annoying after like five minutes of it, right? I mean, sure, at first, you’re all, “How cheery?” But then after a bit, you’re like “Hey, pipers, any chance we could cut down on the piping, I’m totally trying to watch Extreme Couponing” and they probably wouldn’t even stop. Those goddamn pipers.

What would be a better gift: OMG I can’t believe I forgot to ask for lipgloss.

New lyric: On the eleventh day of Christmas, Dr. Spencer Reid gave to me: eleven tubes of Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers, ten gift certificates to Think Geek, nine more hours in the day to waste as I see fit, eight packages of neon Post-its, seven pairs of awesome wacky-ass socks, six cans of Thank You brand chocolate pudding, five sets of measuring cups, four bottles of glittery nailpolish, three seasons of Buffy on DVD, two bottles of delicious non-hangover-inducing Olive Garden red wine and a soft pillow and a pair of noise-cancelling earplugs.

Twelfth Day of Christmas

Twelve Drummers Drumming 

Why this is a sucktastic gift: Well, NOW I live in my CAR, because the drummers had to go SOMEWHERE and the porch was the only place LEFT. And also, drummers? Really? SO EFFING LOUD. Drums are what you give to someone’s kid when you hate that person and it’s such a passive-aggressive gift. “Here! I gave you the gift of INCESSANT NOISE AND HEADACHES!”

What would be a better gift: Oh, I’ve totally been saving the best for last, don’t you even doubt me. You’re totally doubting me, aren’t you? SHAME SHAME SHAME on you.

New lyric: On the twelfth day of Christmas, Dr. Spencer Reid gave to me: twelve baby kittens riding unicorns that shit rainbows, eleven tubes of Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers, ten gift certificates to Think Geek, nine more hours in the day to waste as I see fit, eight packages of neon Post-its, seven pairs of awesome wacky-ass socks, six cans of Thank You brand chocolate pudding, five sets of measuring cups, four bottles of glittery nailpolish, three seasons of Buffy on DVD, two bottles of delicious non-hangover-inducing Olive Garden red wine and a soft pillow and a pair of noise-cancelling earplugs.

Now, I’m pretty sure this is going to be a runaway hit, so once I hit the big time, I WILL NOT FORGET YOU, little people. I will, however, be hiring someone to write my blog, so expect the quality to go way up.

Goddamn but there are a lot of feathers floating around all up in here. EFFING GIFT BIRDS.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

25 responses to “If any of you yahoos gifts me a bird, I’m seriously going to punch you in the neck.

  • khrystena

    I’m just thinking, with all those birds, you would have lots of poultry to eat! Hens and geese (ok not geese, living in Canada I don’t know anyone who eats geese) To be honest, if they are Canadian Geese you can’t even kill them. Hoping they are laying unfertilized eggs!

    All those men being given to you would come in handy. Instead of them all at once, have them come in sections and fix things, paint things and well do fun things with them. they are all in great shape!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t know, they all sound like theater people, don’t they? I bet they’re not all that handy with real repairs. I mean, I bet they could build a set, but sets aren’t very sturdy. I don’t know if I want them fixing things. It would probably all fall down in a week or something. The fun things, though…hmm. That bears some serious thought. Some SERIOUS thought. :)

      Like

  • elaine axten (@elaine4queen)

    imma ask for your list for christmas. i’m feeling it.
    i don’t want the birds either, there are enough of them outside.

    Like

  • Mer

    I have been enlightened in so many way today, my lovely! I seriously thought the lyric was four “calling” birds all of these years. Geesh.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I thought so, too, but Wikipedia tells me it’s “colly” and people heard “calling” and so that’s what they say now. I’m still down with “calling.” Who even says “colly birds?” That sounds weird and wrong.

      Like

  • Rich Crete

    Another great friggin’ post.
    I know it’s your list but if it comes through, may I suggest the Captain America hoodie from Think Tank…and obviously the Enterprise Pizza Cutter…but I probably didn’t even need to mention that one, I mean, DUH.

    Like

  • CMTomaso

    Ok, I am down with dumping the birds. Birds are creepy. They have those crazy soulless eyes and can rain down crap from above, literally.

    Based on the current economy, you are wrong to dump the gold rings. You may need them to trade for goods when the end times get here.

    I understand where you are coming from but I will take the dancing ladies, thankyouverymuch.

    Finally, I would also take the pipers cause they would make me feel like Braveheart! And they will never take… my CHRISTMAS!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      If someone gives me dancing ladies, I’ll send them your way, but I’m fairly sure your wife’s just going to send them away again. But maybe she’ll let you keep the pipers. It’s worth a try!

      Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    What if the birds were kookaburras and penguins? What then?

    Like

  • Brenna

    This is hilarious! How is it that I never realized how many birds there were in that song? Not one of those damn things is a good gift. Not one.

    Last year I made my own version of this song for my blog, and recorded myself singing it (be warned: I’m not a professional singer. I’m not even an amateur singer!). It’s here if you are interested: http://laughingattherain.blogspot.com/2010/12/12-days-of-christmas-mom-style.html

    And now I challenge you to sing yours. ;)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, I could never, ever sing. Not in public. I’m awful. AWFUL. I mean, to the point of you know how in cartoons, sometimes the opera singer breaks the glasses? Like that. Only with awfulness. Total unawareness of pitch and tone and inability to carry a tune. Eep!

      Like

  • John Brown (@jbrown3079)

    That was brilliant. To get past the monetary part of the 12 days and get right to the practicality. I never realized how many birds there were. What a mess!

    Everytime I hear that song now, I will think of “Listen,Slappy”.

    Happy Holidays.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Thank you, and happy holidays to you, too! I say “Listen, Slappy” in real life, too. It makes me laugh. Probably not the people I’m saying it to, so much, but amuses me to no end…

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Actually, doves do suck. And pigeons. Literally. They are the only birds that can suck up water to drink using their beak; other birds just shovel up water with their beak and then tilt their head back to let it flow into their mouth. Isn’t that interesting? Oh. Ok.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Ok, let’s see.. Three series of Buffy.. First of all: they need to be consecutive, because otherwise what’s the point of watching series of Buffy, you might as well just watch random episodes on SyFy or something. I’d recommend skipping the first two series and go straight for series three. That’s were it’s starting to pick up some speed. Plus it would include ‘The body’ which is one of the most heart wrenching episodes of any television series ever.

    Like

    • Andreas Heinakroon

      Sorry, hit the Post button by mistake! Now, where was I? Oh, yes: It would also contain the episode ‘Doppelgangland’, which is one of the funniest.

      Although It would mean you would miss out on ‘Once more, with feeling’ which is just great, and ‘Normal again’ which is truly disturbing.

      Still, I’d recommend series three, four and five. You’re welcome!

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        I’ve seen them all – multiple times – but don’t own them. I know! I am a heathen!

        “The Body” is my #1 favorite Buffy ep ever. Followed by “Hush,” then “Once More With Feeling,” then “Doppelgangland.” So I think I’d have to work around whatever seasons gave me those eps. GET ON THAT, DR. SPENCER REID!

        Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Geese are totally evil. They’ve got little teeth-like ridges in their beaks and icy pale-blue eyes. And they hiss. Evilly. And will totally attack you if you get too close. Fear the geese. Fear them!

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    (btw what’s the idea of him keep giving the same gifts day after day, and just appending the list each time? Doesn’t that mean you’ll get the first gift on the list like 12 times?)

    Like

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