Also, we usually don’t live like we’re dying or serve beer to our horses. Sorry, Germany.

Dear Germany:

It has come to my attention, through this very educational blog post my friend (and I’m pretty sure somehow my secret long-lost twin even though my father SWEARS it’s not genetically possible and I promised I’d believe him) @lahikmajoe posted the other day, that apparently, you are forming your opinions of us through a radio station called The Ranch.

When I researched this radio station, I learned that a., their website was cluttered with all the bright knick-knacks the internet can hold and kind of gave me a total headache, and b., they are “the sound of Texas.” Well! That’s nice.

Listen, somehow, randomly, and I really have no explanation for this, I have become acquainted with some awesome Texans lately? PLUS, twice, I drove through the top of Texas on my way west, and again east. I’m pretty sure that’s called the panhandle, or something. Although I don’t think it looks like a panhandle. And who even says “panhandle” anymore? Except beggars. ANYWAY, I’m pretty sure this radio station isn’t the sound of my Texans. From what I can tell, the sound of MY Texans is a lot of sarcasm and awesomeness. But probably no one would listen to that radio station. Except me. I would listen ALL THE TIME to that radio station.

Some of the things @lahikmajoe’s countrymen ask him about our country (specifically, Texas, but I’d like to think that The Ranch makes them think this about all of us), according to his post (and listen, are you reading his blog? I’m totally about to get all up in arms here. I really like his blog. You should too! He is awesome and like a zillion times more intelligent and thoughtful than I am. Go follow him. No, seriously, I’ll wait. I’m drinking all the Olive Garden magic no-hangover wine tonight, I have the patience of JOB right now. Go! Go, go! OK, you’d better be back now, because we’re moving on) are:

  • Did you grow up with horses?
  • Did you wear a cowboy hat to school?
  • What’s a real rodeo like?

These questions sadden me, Germans. Because listen! America has a lot of other things, too! Like weird roadside attractions like big balls of twine and huge cement rolls of Life Savers! And zombie preparedness stores! And like 43 gabillion Dunkin’ Donuts!

But then I did some research, and I realized that the country songs you are listening to that form your idea of America (or, if you’d like, “MERKA,” which is the way I say it when I’m pretending to be a patriotic hillbilly, because it makes me laugh) are totally misleading and also kind of upsetting. So I’d like to talk about them with you, and maybe disabuse you of any notions they’ve caused you to form about our great land.

“Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off”
by Joe Nichols

What this might make you think about MERKA: Drinking to excess makes women forgetful and nudist.

What is wrong with this picture: Alcoholism isn’t this jolly or sexy, even in MERKA.

This song is about a man whose significant other is going out to drink margaritas at the Holiday Inn (CLASSY!) and he’s all “oh, good gravy PUT ON SOME EXTRA CLOTHES THIS TIME MYRTLE” because apparently she comes home wearing table linens when she drinks tequila, but not champagne or or rum or vodka.

Germany, I can assure you this is not the case. I had a very long and storied love affair with tequila, and it did NOT make my clothes “fall off.” At least, no more than any other alcoholic beverage. It did, however, cause some HELLACIOUS hangovers. And also vomiting. A LOT of vomiting. Once in a cab. Sorry, cabdriver. Sorry.

Please do not come to our country and buy our ladies margaritas expecting us to start shedding clothes like trees in the fall. Or, wait, do. I totally love margaritas but those suckers are EXPENSIVE, yo. I’ll meet you at the Holiday Inn. There’s one right around the corner from me. So that’s handy!

“Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy”
by Big & Rich

What this might make you think about MERKA: Cowboys are super-hot, and everyone wants to have sex with them, and they buy everyone drinks, and they’re totally always making “riding” puns.

What is wrong with this picture: I don’t know that these type of cowboys exist anymore outside of movies. And also, have you never HEARD of STDs? What is this, the 60s, you damn freewheeling hippie? You KNOW this jackass isn’t packing protection.

This song is about a braggy cowboy who tells about all of his exploits in a shouty, “look at my big old dick, mama!” voice. Things he does: buys everyone drinks; rides his horse all over the place, including into cities; passes out hundred dollar bills to everyone in a bar; compares himself to John Wayne (AS IF); taking a girl out to some abandoned road and showing her how to hunt frogs (WHO DOES THIS I LOVE FROGS) with his dog while singing her all the Willie Nelson songs and then they MAKE LOVE (I’m sorry, but that phrase makes me want to throw up until I’m sore).

(Side note: I’m kind of the most in love with John Wayne. I know. It’s weird, right? I want him to protect me from all the badguys. I have no explanation for this phenonemon, either. Carry on.)

I’m not going to deny there’s some sort of shouty appeal to this song, but I don’t think these kind of people exist, and if they do, I don’t think people are falling all over themselves to MAKE LOVE ZOMG to them because a., if anyone ever said to me “let’s make love” I’d be all “ok, Barry Gibb, where are your platform shoes, the 1970s called and want their sayings back” and also then I’d probably laugh until I cried, and b., no one DOES these things. No one rides into the city on a horse and starts throwing money around like a crazy person. If they do, they deserve to get mugged and beaten. That’s looney tunes behavior.

I feel like people in Germany are listening to this and they’re like that poor kid in Love, Actually who wanted to come to America to have sex with all the hot American co-eds like in the sex comedies. Although that kind of worked out for him. Dammit. THIS WILL NOT WORK OUT FOR YOU, GERMANS.

“Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue”
by Toby Keith

What this might make you think about MERKA: I shudder to think. Ok, fine. That we will stick a boot in your ass. It’s the American way.

What is wrong with this picture: We’re not all jingoistic morons.

When this song came out, it was a tough time for America. Post 9/11. We were all pretty shaken up. There was a lot of “rah rah AMERICA” sentiment. I get it. I totally get it! From the tip of my liberal toes to the top of my liberal head, I get it.

Then this song happened, and my friend Mer and I were seriously not sure whether to run away to Canada or to hide under our covers until the inevitable end of the world came.

“Hey, Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list,
And the Statue of Liberty started shaking her fist.”

“Oh, justice will be served and the battle will rage:
This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage.
An’ you’ll be sorry that you messed with the U.S. of A.
‘Cos we’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the American way.”

Please, Germany. We will NOT put a boot in your ass. I promise. We are not all crazy people. We actually don’t even all have guns. I mean, can we? Sure. But we don’t all EXERCISE that right. Please don’t be too scared, Germans. We’re not all big dogs. Some of us are little dogs! Like Basenjis. Doesn’t everyone like Basenjis? They lick themselves! Like cats! And they’re barkless! Barkless clean dogs! PLEASE DON’T BE AFRAID GERMANY!

“Bubba Shot the Jukebox”
by Mark Chestnutt

What this might make you think about MERKA: That we all have guns in our cars and we shoot up bars when we get sad. And we have people here named Bubba.

What is wrong with this picture: I don’t think this happens DAILY or anything.

This song is about Bubba, a mentally-ill man, who is at a bar and drinks a lot and the jukebox makes him cry so he goes out to his car and gets a gun and shoots it. You know. As you do.

Um, Germans, I’m not going to say this has never happened? Because this totally sounds like something that COULD happen. I’m not going to lie to you, Germans. But probably it won’t. PROBABLY it won’t. I mean, I can’t guarantee anything. But odds are good this won’t happen if you come to MERKA.

Now listen, Germans. There are fun and enjoyable country singers you can listen to. Old country singers are kind of kickass. Johnny Cash! Willie Nelson! Dolly Parton! Kenny Rogers, before he became a scary plastic-faced monster! And also, I’m totally madly in love with Brad Paisley, because his songs are clever and adorable. Also, he’s super-smart on Celebrity Jeopardy. Although that “I want to check you for ticks” song was a total misstep. I’m not going to lie about that.

Also, GERMANS! I totally spent four days in your country in the late 90s and I liked it VERY MUCH. Things I liked: your chocolate; seeing the Berlin Wall museum; how even when people were smiling, your language sounded totally gruff, so it was kind of an adorable disconnect; Germans were not as anti-American as, say, people in France were (DAMN YOU RUDE PARISIANS AND YOUR TOTALLY SNEERY CORRECTION OF MY HIGH SCHOOL FRENCH) and in one town we went in, there was an entire RESTAURANT that served nothing but FUNNEL CAKE. I don’t know why EITHER. It was the BEST THING EVER.

So I kind of think I owe to to you, you lovely people, to let you know that we may be Americans, but we’re not all MERKANS. From what I understand, Texas is LOVELY. And also, so is New York! I mean, I choose New York, obviously, because, well, I’m here, and I’m kind of the most kick-ass awesome, but I’m pretty sure if you decide to go to Texas OVER New York (I mean, I’m not telling you what to DO, or anything, but you DO know we have Broadway here, right? OK, just checking) that you won’t get stampeded, or forced to ride the bull in the rodeo, or wear a ten-gallon hat. Even if the country songs make you think otherwise.

Sleep well, Germans! And if you want to send me a thank-you gift, I totally would take some of that random funnel cake.

Love, Me.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

25 responses to “Also, we usually don’t live like we’re dying or serve beer to our horses. Sorry, Germany.

  • lgalaviz

    1. I had no idea there was some sort of Olive Garden magic no-hangover wine. I am going there and getting some immediately. And maybe some soup, salad, and breadsticks.

    2. Thanks for hooking us up with all those free margaritas from the Germans. They ARE really expensive.

    3. I hate that song. And by ‘that song,’ I mean all of them.

    4. You should totally make “We’re not all jingoistic morons” into some type of shirt. I feel that I now need a way to distinguish myself from the jingoistic morons

    5. In Texas, we DO all have guns. I mean, most of us. Not my seven-year-old, though. His gun is on backorder.

    6. We never force people to ride bulls in rodeos. A proper Texan takes you to Billy Bob’s and forces you onto the mechanical bull. Because we are polite and civilized here. Well, sort of.

    7. Let me know when you hop your hobo train.


    • Andreas Heinakroon

      Oh, you’re SO going to have to make a t-shirt that say “We’re not all jingoistic morons” and sell it in your Zazzle shop!


      • lucysfootball

        I do need a Zazzle shop. But if I tell them I know @lgalaviz, apparently they won’t let me have shirts. And I made fun of them on Twitter last night, so there’s a chance I’ve been proactively banned.


    • lucysfootball

      You can also buy the magic wine at wine stores. Also known as drugstores in your state. I love your state.

      I want a gun. My dad says I can have some of his when he dies, but I don’t want him to die so I can get his death guns. I want my own gun that no one had to die for me to have. Also, I am a very good shot. Just in case any of you were freaked out about me with a gun.

      I want to go somewhere with a mechanical bull. I think that would make me feel like I was in a movie.

      I might not have to hop a hobo train! There is a Twitter movement to get me a traveling grant of some sort because everyone’s afraid I might get shivved by a jealous fellow hobo. So I’m waiting for my grant money so I can ride first class to Texas and get one of those hot towels and free wi-fi.


  • Mindy

    I am so thankful you performed this critical public service for us, as I, too, loved traveling in Germany. The people I encountered were very friendly and helpful, much like many Texans and very much unlike the sneery Parisians. Although they can’t go wrong believing a song like “Baby Makes Her Blue Jeans Talk”. Well done.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I LOVE funnel cake! Sadly, it must be be almost 20 years since I had any. I lead a truly tragic life. Perhaps they should make a film about it?

    But I digress. I must admit that I also have had prejudice views of America. And probably still do. Because, who are we kidding, that’s sort of part of being human (it’s a brain saving exercise, evolved to speed up judgement of new people we meet; I’ve blogged about it elsewhere) (there’s some Germans in it).

    But! (And it’s kind of a big but.) I’ve got to know some really cool people lately, and they’ve been American! Even Texan! (Which I am lead to believe is now part of the United States of America?) And even if those stereotypical characters we’ve seen on Telly and in films probably do exist, I now know they are not in the majority.

    Also, re the French: I wouldn’t take that personally, if I were you. They don’t only hate the Americans, they also hate the Germans, Italians, Spanish and Belgians. And they REALLY hate the English! So don’t worry! It’s them, not you.


    • lucysfootball

      EVERYONE loves funnel cake. It’s one of the best things for eating ever.

      If you come to MERKA, @heinakroon, we will be SO NICE TO YOU. We won’t be mean to you at all. You will leave loving all the MERKANS.

      But I am totally like the stereotypical characters you see on television. I’m the kooky neighbor who always gets the big laughs and falls a lot. I steal the show.

      And I know, what’s up with that, France? Although, I do have to say, I left Paris for a day trip to Rouen one day? And the people there were LOVELY. Not a rude one in the bunch. So maybe it was just the city, I don’t know.


  • Debbie

    I agree about Toby Keith. I’m fine with him singing about how good he once was and all that, but hey TOBY, please do not piss off the terrorists by telling them WE will kick their collective asses. I am not sure who “We” are, but I am pretty sure I fight like a girl and I would have little effect on those terrorists. So leave Me outta We, OK Toby?

    Now I do have some compassion for the Germans. As strange their perceptions of us are, I am sure I am guilty of my own strange perceptions of Germans. Since I have not been there, but I’ve been to the the Bavarian Village of Levenworth, WA and to the Germany Pavilion at EPCOT, so I am certain I have a pretty good grasp of what a typical German is like.
    First, you all wear lederhosen. And you carry around GINORMOUS steins (complete with those little attached lids) full of beer. There is a LOT of yodeling. And you all drive Volkswagens, which is great since I drive a Volkswagen and cannot fathom why EVERYONE doesn’t drive one because those cars ROCK!
    So we forgive you and your preconceived notions of what it’s like to be a MERKAN, Germany. After all, we cowboys wearing boots can’t be mad at people in lederhosen, now can we?


    • lucysfootball

      I honestly almost mentioned lederhosen in my post, because lederhosen are the cheeriest things ever, aren’t they? Who doesn’t like lederhosen? And I also love Volkswagons and want one. But only if it’s a bus, because secretly I’m a dirty hippie.


  • lahikmajoe

    There’s too much to answer here. Really. You’ve included so many things I want to ask about/ridicule.

    Am now pondering.


  • lahikmajoe

    ‘I feel like people in Germany are listening to this and they’re like that poor kid in Love, Actually who wanted to come to America to have sex with all the hot American co-eds like in the sex comedies. Although that kind of worked out for him. Dammit. THIS WILL NOT WORK OUT FOR YOU, GERMANS.’

    You know by saying this, you’re only encouraging them. Now they think you’re only saying this to keep all of this for yourselves.

    ‘What this might make you think about MERKA: That we all have guns in our cars and we shoot up bars when we get sad. And we have people here named Bubba.’>>Pretty much.

    I still haven’t been to the FunnelCake town. I did go to an Onion Market a few months ago ( It was nearly as classy as your Holiday Inn. Nearly.


    • lucysfootball

      That’s ok. All the Germans can come here, if they want. I like the Germans. But they’ll be disappointed that there are no sex-romps or tequila drunks with tops falling off.

      And I don’t even know a single Bubba! I know a Butch, though.

      I don’t like onions. They make my stomach hurt. Tea and onions are the only proof we’re not secret twins.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    OMG! I forgot to terminate the one of the sets of parentheses in the second paragraph above! Oh, the humanity!

    Oh, hang on, found it: ‘)’.


  • Mer

    Yes! Thank you for that memory. Oh, also, this was advice to a straight but quirky friend of ours who moved to TX, from a native Texan, who now lives in Tucson, to paraphrase – if you are at all effeminate have a hard rock bumper sticker and a matching t-shirt in the back seat.


  • Mer

    Oh, I phrased that poorly – you’re supposed to have a bumper sticker and t-shirt for a hard rock band (I think AC/DC was the example she gave) so that your sexuality will be less in question while traveling through TX. :/

    Yesterday, we had an awkward exchange with our German neighbor. She was asking us not to drive into her driveway to back the Jeep into our garage b/c the the ruts in the snow in their unshoveled drive make it difficult to drive. I’m really glad I didn’t answer the door b/c she basically grumbled not to “drive there.” C. has a better temperament for the directness of German Neighbor.


    • lucysfootball

      Oh, man, I lose, then. I know NOTHING about real hard rock. I suppose I could head-bang, if I had to, but I think it would look weird and forced.

      You have a German neighbor? That’s kind of awesome, in a scary sort of way! You should show her my post! Then she would be NICER. :)


  • 35jupiterdrive

    This has enough levels of brilliance that I don’t know where to start.

    So I won’t.

    I will say I agree with everything lgalaviz said except the parts about being from Texas because I’m from many places but Texas isn’t one of them. I will say that all the Texans I know totally rock and make me wonder why, if we were going to have a Texan president, it couldn’t be one of them (Do you hear me lgalaviz?)


  • lahikmajoe

    I’m such a child of the 70s.

    Still say ‘making love’. I really do. Hadn’t realised how ridiculous it sounds till you pointed it out, but now I feel like I’m stuck in a time machine.

    All day I’ve had that ‘feel like making love’ song going through my brain, and I blame you Miss D. I blame you.


    • lucysfootball

      Maybe it’s ok if some people say that! I don’t know. If it works for you, you keep on truckin’! Ease on down the road! Have a nice day! (I can’t think of any more 70s platitudes. I was only a little kiddo then!)

      I wish I could like that song, but it reminds me of that horrible band boyfriend in high school and makes me want to punch someone.

      Also, I was an overlord and edited your comment so the stalkers don’t get me. You’re allowed to know my last name, but not the yahoos.


  • zippy219

    Unfortunately I have a problem similar to the lady in Joe Nichols song. Tequila has, in the past, made my clothes fall off…it has also made me throw a punch or two (fully clothed btw.) No other booze will bring out those reactions.

    I apologize if this has done any harm to Merkan/German relations. I really am a very nice, old fashioned girl from a long line of good hillbilly people (that means I like to go barefoot.)


    • lucysfootball

      Hmmm…this IS interesting. The song might have been written about you. We should talk to Joe Nichols’ people.

      I ALSO like to go barefoot. Constantly. I find shoes overly constricting in almost every single instance. Well, except if there are nails on the ground, or something. No one wants tetanus.


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