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I’m picking up a chant from the student body…they’re chanting for Rudy.

Apparently, when I blogged about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer the other day and said I wasn’t going to be talking about Rudolph Nureyev, this upset some people, as they thought that a., they should have a SAY in what gets DISCUSSED around here, and b., they thought that I talk about more weighty matters than, say, crappy Christmas specials or hammering people over the head if they don’t follow the arbitrary rules of Twitter I set up while eating chicken fingers in the dark.

Well, THAT’S distressing. I mean, come on, it’s like you people want me to use my BRAIN or something. I know all about bad (and good, and, well, MOST ALL, actually) television. And about all kinds of random ephemera that doesn’t rate high enough on anyone else’s crap-o-meter to get noticed. Sure. Sure I do that. But historical figures with the first name Rudolph? I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE.

I like history quite a bit, sure, but I’m not a SCHOLAR of people named RUDOLPH. I mean, who is? What an odd thing to be a scholar about. Also, ALSO! What’s up with you people thinking you get to VOTE on my blog topics, hmm? Is this suddenly a blog-ocrocy? It is NOT. It is a DICTATORSHIP and I am GRAND HIGH POOBAH. I have a HAT with a TASSEL and a LITTLE CAR with BULLETPROOF GLASS.

Shit, I totally don’t have any of those things and I’m pretty sure my minions will revolt if I don’t give them what they want once and a while, right? And I love my minions. They’re the best minions in the history of minioning.

FINE, MINIONS. Here. I MADE THIS FOR YOU.

FAMOUS RUDOLPHS AND THINGS I FOUND OUT ABOUT THEM FOR YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU

(with additional notes from my brain)

Rudolph Giuliani

This smile screams "Have I got a lemon I MEAN A REALLY GOOD PRE-OWNED CAR FOR YOU!"

Famous for: being the mayor of New York City during 9/11

Rudy Giuliani was born in 1944. That makes him 67. Aren’t you totally impressed with the math skills I did on paper just now? I thought so. He was a lawyer and a businessman and a mayor and he smiles a lot.

He was the mayor of New York City from 1994-2001. This was during the 9/11 terrorist attacks. I wasn’t living on that coast at the time, so I don’t know what the local sentiment was, but from across the country, I thought he was doing a pretty decent job of holding it together. Also, he went on Saturday Night Live not long after the attacks and that was nice of him.

I think every once and a while he makes some noise about running for president but nothing really ever comes of it. I think the problem is, he kind of looks like a really desperate used-car salesman. Like, “OH MY GOD PICK ME PICK ME” and that’s not as much confidence-inspiring as it is sad. He actually reminds me of that guy from Glengarry Glen Ross who’s also on The Simpsons, you know, Old Gil? That guy? Who’s all desperate and “Come on, Old Gil needs a win, aw, this just isn’t Old Gil’s day!”

Apparently he’s had some marital issues. It’s that smile, seriously. It’s creeptastic. That’d be all coming at you in the dark, just imagine that. No thanks.

Oh, and he had a weird son who was all jumpy when he was being inaugurated for the first time and Chris Farley played him on Saturday Night Live. Aw. Chris Farley. I miss him so much.

Should I have blogged about him rather than Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? NO. He’s totally boring compared to the Bumble. Come on, guys.

Rudolph Valentino

So effing dreamy. I can't even. I have a thing for Roman noses, bee tee dubs. Yowza.

Famous for: being a super-hot Italian silent film star; dying young

Rudolph Valentino was totally rawr-worthy, and apparently women in the 20s wanted to lick him while men in the 20s were all “ugh, whatever, he is GREASY” and thought their women should be wanting to bone Douglas Fairbanks. Listen, whatever, I would totally do either one of them. They are both DELICIOUS. Well, no, not NOW. They’re dead now. Sheesh.

Don't even tell me you wouldn't have wanted to be in a Valentino/Fairbanks sandwich.

But anyway, he was in a bunch of silent films, and all the ladies swooned, and all the men were filled with jealousy and called him effeminate (this is how people in the 20’s yelled “fag” out of car windows) and Valentino tried very hard to shake off these rumors by sleeping with all of the ladies and also boxing. Aw, poor sexy Valentino. Listen, Valentino. They were totally just JEALOUS. I mean, nowadays, all these years later, when someone’s a famous lover and totally hot, they call him a “Valentino.” They don’t call him a “Frank” or whatever those people’s names were. DON’T BE SAD MY ITALIAN STALLION.

Also, he wrote a book of poetry called Day Dreams. I kind of am having a day dream about Valentino right now. Also Fairbanks. Let’s be frank. I’m an equal-opportunity daydreamer.

So he was super-famous, and randomly married a lesbian, then another lady once that didn’t work out for him, and then when he was 31, died of complications of appendicitis. What the hell? That seems unfair. He was totally too pretty for that to happen. 100,000 people lined the streets of New York City for his funeral. I’m going to guess most of those people were of the female persuasion.

Should I have blogged about him rather than Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? Maybe. He’s kind of a total fox.

Rudolf Nureyev

Who's a BAMF? Nureyev. I want to go on a crime spree with him.

Famous for: ballet and awesomeness

This is actually totally kind of sad and also awesome. So Rudolph Nureyev was the biggest Russian ballet dancer in all of the land, and went on tours, until Russia was all “nyet nyet” and made him stay in Russia. He was totally all subversive and a bad-ass, though, and one day, one of the other top dancers fell ill and he had to replace him on his European tour. He scandalized Mother Russia by fraternizing with PARISIANS ZOMG and then in a dashing bit of derring-do, he ESCAPED and defected and stayed in France. I’m kind of totally in love with Nureyev right now. Aw, and then while touring Denmark, he met and fell in love with another ballet dancer, Erik Bruhn. Squee, Nureyev! That was in 1961. He wasn’t allowed back into Russia until 1987, to visit his dying mother, because Russia was totally in a snit about him taking off like that. I would be, too. He’s totally the coolest. And apparently he appeared on The Muppet Show and danced “Swine Lake” with Miss Piggy. Heh.

This is a sentence I stole from Wikipedia (which is scaring me lately, WHY ARE THERE ALL THE THUGS AND WITCHES AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE LATELY WIKIPEDIA) that I love about Nureyev: “Nureyev was notoriously impulsive and did not have much patience with rules, limitations and hierarchical order.” Yep. ME TOO NUREYEV.

Erik Bruhn died in 1986 and Nureyev died in 1993. They both suffered from, and died from, complications from the AIDS virus. THIS IS SO DEPRESSING MINIONS I CAN’T EVEN.

Should I have blogged about him rather than Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? Yeah, maybe. He’s really kind of interesting. But then I’d have to do all the serious research, and also maybe the KGB might put me on their “people to kill” list or something, and I don’t have time to run from the law right now. I’m very busy.

Maya Rudolph

I also totally dig her freckles. And I liked her Donatella Versace impression.

Famous for: being on “Saturday Night Live”

I know, this one’s cheating, right? TOO BAD. It’s STILL MY BLOG.

I love Maya Rudolph because she’s totally not afraid to make a complete and total dork out of herself. That makes me happy. Also, were you aware her mom was Minnie Riperton, who sang that “Loving You” song that goes so high near the end that only dogs can hear it? AND she’s in a relationship (and has three children) with Paul Thomas Anderson, who directed Magnolia. What’s my favorite movie in the whole, whole world, quick, anyone, QUICK I SAID? Yep. Magnolia. ‘Tis true.

One of my favorite things Maya Rudolph did on Saturday Night Live was Glenda Goodwin, Attorney at Law, who wanted to protect you from things like thunderwolves. I am heartily amused by the inane sketches that no one likes that are on very late at night.

Also, she’s in movies now, and also on that show Up All Night, doing her Oprah impression but pretending it’s something else, but I never much liked that impression to begin with so I don’t watch that show. Sorry, show.

Should I have blogged about her rather than Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? Only if it was part of a Saturday Night Live themed post. Which I’m totally going to foist on you guys someday. I LOVE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SO SO SO MUCH IT’S REALLY EMBARRASSING TO THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME.

INTERLUDE – The internet tells me that Rudolph means “famous wolf” or “wolf fame.” That’s odd. And funny. In other news, Amy means “beloved.” I KNOW RIGHT. That couldn’t be MORE true.

Rudolph, Wisconsin

My hometown had like a gun on the sign or something, I think. I like the deer better. More welcoming.

Famous for: The NASCAR driver Dick Trickle lives here. THIS IS A REAL PERSON’S NAME. Also, there’s a place in town called “The Wonder Cave.” I wonder if Dick Trickle’s ever been in The Wonder Cave? EUPHEMISM? You decide.

Seriously IT IS HIS REAL NAME. I couldn't even BEGIN to make something like this up.

Rudolph, Wisconsin is a village with 423 people in it. One of them is named Dick Trickle, and there’s a place called The Wonder Cave. In The Wonder Cave, there are all kinds of God things, like statues and sayings and religious curios. That’s not so wonderful for those of us who would go down there expecting vampires, stalactites or Sleestaks. MISLEADING.

It *looks* wonderful, from the outside. Inside it's all Virgin Mary statues and praying stations. I KNOW.

People in Rudolph, Wisconsin, are almost all white and almost all rich, and they seem to like dairy a lot because they have a whole factory for dairy products, according to that scary woman on Wikipedia who wrote like a kabillion articles and looks like she has a gingerbread house in the woods.

Dick Trickle. WHY DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS SOONER INTERNETS. (Side note: my father, who loves NASCAR, says that Dick Trickle is not a funny name at all. When I said it IS a funny name, and reminds me of that old “The Yellow Wallpaper by I.P. Freely” joke, he said “Stop making fun of poor Dick Trickle,” and then I laughed until my nose ran for like an hour.)

Should I have blogged about this rather than Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? Um, yeah, probably. What are the odds that someone named Dick Trickle’s going to move to a town with less than 500 people in which there’s a place called The Wonder Cave? I mean, that’s comedy GOLD, people. You couldn’t make something like that up if you TRIED.

There are other Rudolphs and Rudolfs in the world – Rudolf Steiner was an Austrian philosopher who founded Anthroposophy, which I KNOW sounds made-up but it’s totally a thing; Rudolph Isley is one of the Isley Brothers; Wilma Rudolph won three gold medals in the 1960 Summer Olympics for being super-fast; Rudolph I of Germany was a king but I find kings and such totally confusing; and Rudolph Farnsworth is a villain on some show called Kim Possible, which is a really horrible pun, seriously. I’m sure there are others as well.

Are you HAPPY, minions? There. Now you know some THINGS about OTHER RUDOLPHS. With PICTURES. Don’t EVEN say I didn’t give you anything during this holiday season.

I still think Rudolph is a whine-ass and that the Bumble should have eaten him and his whole family. And PS, when I told my mother I blogged about Rudolph, she said, and I quote, “You talked about how much you loved The Bumble, didn’t you. We should have known there was something not quite right about you from the beginning.”

YES. THANK YOU, MOMMY. I love YOU, too. *smooooch*

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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