Advertisements

“Why am I such a misfit? I am not just a nitwit.” Yes you ARE, Hermie. SHUT UP.

Let’s talk about Rudolph for a minute.

FINE, you know I never talk about ANYTHING for minute. Man, you know me TOO WELL. For a while, then. Let’s talk about Rudolph for a while.

Which Rudolph? Nureyev, what the hell Rudolph do you THINK? The REINDEER, you dolt, the REINDEER.

That special was on recently, and I know, I probably should have watched it? Because, get in the Christmas spirit! And, tradition! And, it’s kind of a musical! And, little puppet creatures!

But I kind of can’t stand it.

I know! I KNOW. That makes me a total heathen. OK, there are things I LIKE about that special. I will talk about them in a minute. But let’s talk about the shitty things first, ready?

HERMIE

This effing elf makes me INSANE with annoyance. First, there’s the voice, which is like nails on a chalkboard mixed with someone who doesn’t bother to blow their nose. Then there’s the whole “I don’t WANT to make toys! I want to be a DENTIST!” OK, you know what? That’s fine! Don’t do what people expect. I totally stand behind that. I mean, if everyone told me I had to make toys, I’d probably want to hang myself with garland, too. But STOP WHINING ABOUT IT. “A dentist, a dentist” SHUT UP HERMIE. The reason the other elves didn’t want you around wasn’t because you were a big weird weirdo who didn’t like making toys; it was because YOU NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT DENTISTRY. And you know what bores the pants off people? Dentistry. Also, you know what annoys people who are happy in their job? Constantly telling them how much that job sucks. SUCK ON THAT HERMIE.

RUDOLPH

I know. Right now you probably want to lynch me in the town square, or something. Whatever. I don’t care. RUDOLPH WAS ALSO A TOTAL WHINER. Granted, he had a little more reason to be – his dad was a total asshat, and we’ll talk about that later – but ZOMG SHUT UP RUDOLPH. The worst part is when he’s wearing that fake nose so he has adenoid-voice. I hate that part. I do have to admit to being a wee bit charmed by “she thinks I’m cuuuuute!”, though.

THE ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS

Now, listen. I don’t have a PROBLEM with the misfit toys. I ADORE the misfit toys, actually. I have a problem with the ISLAND. What’s up with this horrendous segregated Survivor Island where we let broken things languish? I’m so a misfit toy, I can’t even tell you. That scene used to make me BAWL when I was little. And my poor dad would be all, “Um, Amy, you are aware that all works out well for the Misfit Toys, right?” all worried about his girl’s mental health (spoiler alert, he still is) and I’d say “I KNOW BUT THEY’RE SO MEAN TO THOSE TOYS WHY CAN’T WE GO GET THEM NOWWWWW” and then I think he would go to the basement to fix things that weren’t certifiably insane. Also, the list of things that are wrong with the toys is cuckoo-bananas. There’s a water pistol that shoots jelly. Well, first, that is DELICIOUS. And second, wash it out and put in WATER, you weirdos. And so what if the elephant is spotted, or the bird swims (HELLO SO DO PENGUINS) and what is even WRONG with that doll? NOTHING THAT’S WHAT. The whole thing is HORRIBLE. Was it a concentration camp metaphor or something? I hated that so much. That was TOO MUCH FOR CHILDREN YOU GUYS.

THAT RANDOM LION

Why is there randomly a lion guarding the Island of Misfit Toys? It’s like we fell into Narnia. That’s confused me for years. And he has WINGS. And his name is KING MOONRACER. Are you shitting me? What the hell were people smoking when they came up with this nonsense?

RUDOLPH’S COCKKNOCKER DAD

“Oh, my son’s handicapped, let’s hide that from the world by making him wear mud on his nose THAT HE BREATHES OUT OF and also SHAME HIM SHAME HIM DAILY!”

Shut up, Donner. I wish the Bumble had eaten your whole face.

SANTA

This Santa is the suck, you guys. Well, all Santas are, because I’m scared shitless of Santa, but this one’s all all crotchety and beady-eyed and yelling at people and his ho-ho-ho’s sound forced and I kind of hate him the most. He makes his reindeer play reindeer games in order to win his approval – NO ONE LIKES REINDEER GAMES, SANTA – and he’s totally in on the whole “hide the deformity” thing because you KNOW Donner wouldn’t have done it if he thought Santa, evil overlord of the Pole, welcomed individuality. See? THIS IS WHY I HATE SANTA YOU GUYS.

WHAT THE HELL WITH THE STUPID SNOWMAN

This snowman is the worst. His songs last like a MONTH EACH. You have to watch all the woodland critters racing around and he’s singing and singing and SINGING and you KNOW it’s only because he’s Burl Ives or whatever and WHO THE HELL CARES because Burl Ives wasn’t even popular in my GENERATION I don’t know Burl Ives from a HOLE IN THE DAMN WALL. Shut up, SNOWMAN.

OK, so there are the things that annoy me. Which are most of the things, let’s be frank. But there are a few things I love. Here. I will show you!

“STOP CALLING ME NAAAAMMMMESSSSSS”

Once Rudolph’s mud-nose falls off and everyone’s all “you’re DIFFERENT HA HA” he gets all indignant and you think he’s going to come up with something awesome and then he squeaks out, all righteously, “Stop calling me NAMES!” and it’s HILARIOUS. I mean, it’s also probably very what-leads-t0-a-school-shooting, but the delivery of the line makes me roll on the floor with laughter every time.

ANYTIME A CHARACTER MAKES CRAZY EYES

Every once in a while, the characters will be surprised or hit over the head or almost eaten by the Bumble and they’ll get eyes like the eyes above. This is just the funniest to me for no reason. I out-of-control love this expression. It is the BOMB, yo.

YUKON CORNELIUS

Yukon Cornelius is the BEST. I like that he licks his little prospector’s pick and is all, “Nuthin’.” I like that he’s fearless. I like that he’s rescuey. I like his gumption. I like his corny jokes. He’s my kind of hero. More him, less everyone else in this show, please.

THE BUMBLE

I am totally in love with the Bumble. I want the Bumble to eat everyone except Yukon Cornelius and the Misfit Toys and then have a show about just THEM. I want the Bumble to eat Hermie when he’s pretending to be a pig. I want the Bumble to have venison for YEARS with Santa’s reindeer. Poor Bumble! And then that effing HERMIE neuters him, effectively, by pulling out all of his teeth, and they make him PUT STARS ON TOP OF TALL TREES for all of the rest of time. Wow, that’s totally NOT SLAVE LABOR AT ALL. What the HELL. I will adopt you, Bumble. I will get you SHARP DENTURES and let you EAT ALL THE PEOPLE YOU WANT.

In summation: everyone sucks at this North Pole except the Misfit Toys, Yukon Cornelius, and the Bumble (pre-neutering.) And this show is about bullying, segregation, neutering, and slave labor. Keep that in mind when you’re watching it with the kiddoes this holiday season! Cheers! (YES, I’m totally fun around the holidays. WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT.)

Advertisements

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

40 responses to ““Why am I such a misfit? I am not just a nitwit.” Yes you ARE, Hermie. SHUT UP.

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I’m glad I’ve never watches this; I’d be as upset as you!

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    *watched (more +K in typos, no doubt..)

    Like

  • Omnibus

    I always like the Bumble. I never found it scary, kind of cute, actually.

    Like

  • Omnibus

    Instead of a Watch Dog, I want a Watch Bumble for X-mas! :)

    I wonder how Santa would get that on his sleigh…

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      YES. The Bumble is the best, right? Santa would never take him on his sleigh. Santa’s the WORST. Maybe you could just invite Bumble over. Leave a pig out, or something, I don’t know. He’s probably looking for an excuse to leave that sweatshop elf town anyway.

      Like

  • Rich Crete

    When my nieces asked me what was wrong with the doll on the island I told them she was anatomically a male. They bought it, no problems.

    Like

  • CMTomaso

    I’ve always thought Santa was a douche in this show. I am holding off showing it to my daughter until we see “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”. So that she gets a positive Mickey Rooney Santa to ground herself to.

    Also, I remember reading somewhere that Rankin said in an interview that the misfit girl doll’s issue was mental and not a physical deformity. She has PTSD or something.

    Finally, Burl Ives rules. Lay off the snowman.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Wait, what? That doll had PTSD? From being INTERRED on an ISLAND, probably. And since when is that something that stops someone wanting to play with a toy? I bet all children’s toys have PTSD. You saw Toy Story 3, right? PTSD all OVER the place.

      But that snowman just sings…and sings…and SINGS…and it’s like, “HEY LET’S GET BACK TO THE ACTION NOW PLEASE!” Also whenever he’s not on, I’m missing the Bumble. I have a problem.

      Like

      • CMTomaso

        Found it: http://www.misfittoys.net/dollyforsue/index.html

        PTSD was my call. Perhaps she has Restless Leg Syndrome.

        Sure he sings a lot but it is Silver and Gold and Holly Jolly Christmas. I love those songs. What were you hoping to replace him with? Santa kicking puppies? (That Santa would totally kick a puppy)

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          That is a distressing site altogether. And who goes around giving dolls psychological problems? The same kind of people who invent flying lions named “King Moonracer,” that’s who. Weirdos.

          I hate “Silver and Gold” and “Holly Jolly Christmas”! I like Christmas songs that tell stories. Like “The Little Drummer Boy.” Or ones about dysfunctional relationships. Like “Fairytale of New York.” If that snowman sang “Fairytale of New York,” I’d be sold.

          That Santa WOULD totally kick ALL the puppies. And then chortle.

          Like

  • Omnibus

    Plus, the Santa in this wasn’t even fat!!! He was practically thin!!! W! T! F! SANTA????

    Like

  • lahikmajoe

    As I said over on Twitter, I thought we could talk about Rudolph Nureyev for a while. There’s no vote, is there?

    Seems like I’m trying to get in your good graces with all my ‘I collect turtles’ and whatever, but the absolute truth is:

    I was always fascinated with THE BUMBLE. Truth. What a wacky, creepy, whimsical specimen he was. Oy.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I asked my mother tonight if she thought there was a chance that I had a secret twin living in Germany and she said, “Well, your father WAS stationed there while he was in the Army. Anything’s possible.” I explained you weren’t German but that didn’t seem to convince her that my dad wasn’t screwing around. So now my parents are probably going to split up because we’re secretly related. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY @LAHIKMAJOE.

      (The Bumble is the best thing ever. Anyone who loves turtles would of COURSE love the Bumble.)

      Like

    • Omnibus

      Does anyone want to talk about Rudolph Valentino?

      Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    It is all true, all of it. Maybe not allowing the bumble to eat people, because actually I was a little scared of the bumble, but all of the rest of it. Burl Ives wasn’t even a thing when I was a kid, and we have established that I am very old. He must have been the previous generation. I posted this on facebook insisting people come read this. I’m not very persuasive, and I have few friends, but maybe someone will come check it out.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Thank you! I’m sure you’re VERY persuasive. And also not at all old! My parents INSIST he was very popular but I have yet to see the proof of this. I think it’s a conspiracy of some sort. A Christmas-wrapped conspiracy.

      Like

  • ItsCal

    Rudolph is a commercial fairy tale invented by a department store and popularized by a singing cowboy nearly 75 years ago. Although the store is now defunct and the song’s composer is now decomposing, the little guy clearly has retail staying power.

    By the way, it’s Donder, the thunder to Blitzen’s lightning.

    Ho, ho, ho,
    S. Claus

    Like

  • Anonymous

    So I listened to Lynnette and read your blog – so funny I was crying. I watched it last night and kept wondering “what IS wrong with the doll?” And why didn’t they take the lion out of there? Guess they’re planning on going back to their old ways. You did forget to mention the head elf. If he isn’t a heart attack waiting to happen then I don’t know what is!

    Like

  • Kevin Marshall

    The one saving grace of this special is the epic fight scene between Yukon Cornelius and The Bumble. Second best fight scene in television history, right behind Dan and the Captain from the third season of “Deadwood.”

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’ve embarrassingly never seen “Deadwood.” I know. It’s a WESTERN. I love cowboys. I don’t know what’s WRONG with me. I’m BROKEN. But YES, anything with Bumble & Yukon Cornelius = perfection. Wouldn’t they be the best spin-off ever?

      Like

  • Em

    I am not a Burl Ives fan because he testified in 1952 in front of the House Unamerican Activities Committee who were a bunch of facists accusing other people of being communists. (This was before I was born, but I really hate that they did that.)

    So he got a lot of work when other people, who’d also been accused but refused to testify, didn’t get work for a long time. He was one heck of a guy.

    Talk about the unSanta. That would be it.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I had no idea. Well, if I didn’t like him before? I certainly don’t now. I have a particular disgust for people who went along with the HUAC. Em! You rock, I’m so glad you’re here!

      Like

  • blogginglily

    King Moonracer is SUCH a fucking asshole. So is Dunder. Or Donder. . . or Donner, whichever variation you pick. “This is man’s work!”

    Bumble scared me out of my MIND when I was a kid. I’d hide my eyes when he’d peer over those ridiculously poorly scaled mountains.

    Like

  • Anonymous

    When I was little I watched this with my sister and friend and we would always say the same thing every year… “I WANT THE MISFIT TOYS!!!” ah, Memories… Oh and the dolls hair wasn’t in a braid thats why she was a misfit….. WHATEVER!! I would take her

    Like

  • Royal Rumpus, Day Three: Squirrel Mummies, Blogger Burnout, Flighty Internettians and Bumbles | Lucy’s Football

    […] “Why am I such a misfit? I am not just a nitwit.” Yes you ARE, Hermie. SHUT UP. […]

    Like

  • sj

    I love this post.

    Like

  • aliceatwonderland

    OMG that is hilarious! There IS a reason this is one of your most popular posts. Who hasn’t seen this stupid Rudolph cartoon a zillion times (since it comes on over and over again each Christmas). And who doesn’t hate it at least a little? If there’s someone who really loves this Rudolph show, I’m willing to be he’s a communist. Or something.

    I would adopt Bumble too and let him eat the people I don’t like. What a great Christmas gift that would be!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Bumble is the BEST. I hate that they’re so awful to him. And I love all the misfit toys. Every last one. Stupid Santa.

      I’m so glad you liked it! It makes me laugh that people are still reading it, so long after I wrote it. I barely remember writing this one!

      Like

%d bloggers like this: