Good morning, Lucites! (Meh. I still don’t love that.) I SAID GOOD MORNING! You haven’t had your coffee yet, have you? Well, drink up. Could you PUT any more sugar in there? I mean, seriously, you know that once you put too much sugar in there it reaches some sort of scientific saturation point or something and you just get a soggy mess of coffee sugar at the bottom, right? Or is that what you’re going for? I mean, if it is, go to. Who am I to stop the march of progress?
Today, we’re going to talk about something very near and dear to my heart. No, not cake. No, not turtles. No, NOT Joss Whedon. STOP SHOUTING THINGS OUT. This isn’t the Republican Presidential Candidate Debates, what the hell.
Grammar.
Ooh, stop SHRINKING AWAY IN FEAR. Grammar is your FRIEND.
Well, grammar is SOME of you people’s friend. And honestly, it’s the friend of most people who read my blog, because I think most people who read this wouldn’t stick around long if they weren’t at least semi-literate. That was a total pat on the back and kind of rude. Really, what I meant was, I write a lot, and if you’re not into reading all the words and such, you might have clicked here once, then moved on, because you would be frightened by the loquaciousness. And that’s ok. I’m totally kind of scary. I get that.
But there are other people out there who have fights with grammar every day, like total schoolyard BULLIES of grammar. And grammar doesn’t like that! Grammar wants you to love it! Grammar’s totally slutty, y’all. It wants you to use it. But it is not a cheap whore! It does NOT want you to abuse it! No, no!
So let’s go over some common grammar mistakes. I know these are going to seem like “blah blah, I GRADUATED FROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AMY” to some of you. Most of you. But think of the people who are searching Google someday for help on these things. I would like if they found my blog and it was a reference. That would be nice! Like, once? Someone found my blog because they wanted help with pie charts? And how nice was that, I was totally helpful. I like to think that some high school kid was all “I AM THE GREATEST” that day in school because of me. So today we’re doing GRAMMAR. Also, have you SEEN the internet lately? It makes you want to set your eyeballs on fire with cooking oil.
It’s vs. its
Let’s start small. “It’s” is a contraction. A contraction is when a letter, or more than one letter, is dropped from a word, and then it is conjoined with ANOTHER word, using an apostrophe. That’s a lot of talking, right? It’s = IT IS. See? See how easy that is? You take out the “i” from “is” and SMOOOOSH together the two words and add an apostrophe and you have a contraction. Other contractions, not to muddy the waters, are “they’re”, “we’re”, “aren’t”, etc. You get this, right? I mean, “it’s” is a lot of other things, too, but above all else, it’s (see what I did, there?) a contraction. For IT IS.
“Its” is a possessive. It means “belonging to it.”
So in the sentence “She gave the cat it’s dinner,” the writer is actually saying “She gave the cat it is dinner,” and I think we can all agree that’s just a really, really stupid thing for anyone to say, right? Is the cat dinner? IS IT REALLY?
Or, alternately, in the sentence “I don’t know if its a good idea,” you don’t know if WHAT’S a good idea? Where’s your damn apostrophe, weirdo? It’s not like they cost anything, except if you’re sending a telegram. And who even sends telegrams anymore? We’re not Mad Men.
Now, look, to make you yahoos feel better, I actually, yes, EVEN ME, make errors here. Because I was absent this day in school. I even remember the day. It was third grade. I was sick. We were discussing possessives. I got back the next day and I saw the last day’s lesson on the board and I was all, “Hey, teacher, what is this I love learning!” and the teacher said “Nevermind, you’ll catch up.” Nope. Never did. I have a little cheat sheet for possessives hanging on my office cube wall. I AM TOTALLY SERIOUS. So don’t feel too bad. Possessives can be hard. (My issue is that I constantly am wanting, for no good reason at all, to add an apostrophe AFTER the “s” in “its.” No, I don’t know why, either. THANKS A LOT THIRD GRADE TEACHER WHO HATED MY LOVE OF LEARNING.)
They’re vs. There vs. Their
Ooh, NOW we’re getting to the nitty-gritty, right? This is something no one can master. NO ONE.
“They’re” is, as discussed above, what? Yes! That’s right! A contraction! It means “they are.” A sample sentence using it correctly is “They’re going to be so mad you stole all of that porn.”
“There” is a word designating a place. My favorite sentence using this word is “I want to go to there.” This is a sentence used by Liz Lemon in 30 Rock, and also by me, pretty much constantly, whenever I see something or someone I desire. Which is a lot. I want all the things. All the time.
“Their” is a possessive (I know! Those again!) meaning “belonging to them.” A sample sentence using this word correctly is “Don’t touch their meth, because you’ll totally get shot in the head for that around these parts.”
Now, apparently, someone sent out a memo that these three words can be used interchangeably. NO NO NO. That is NOT THE CASE BUCKAROOS. An example of bad news: “I went to the Walmarts and they were all out of adult diapers over their.” OVER THEIR WHAT? Over their…heads? Over their…bottom lines? THIS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. (Also, why are so many people pluralizing store names? I mean, I do it as a joke, but some people do it ON PURPOSE. There’s a local commercial where the woman says “Going to my local Hannafords is such a great shopping experience” and I want to pelt her with rotten peaches every time I hear it. GAH.)
Think about what the word means before you insert it in a sentence. Are you going somewhere? Use there. Are two or more people doing something? Use they’re. Does something belong to someone? Use their.
You’re vs. Your
Now that you rock the their/there/they’re thing, this is cake, right? IT IS. And everyone likes cake. SHUT UP THEY DO.
You’re = you are.
Your = belonging to you.
Correct: “That is your bag of weed.”
Correct: “You’re doing it wrong.”
Incorrect: “Your a weirdo troll-person and I want to slap you in you’re face area.”
Also, you might want to use “yore”, but that really only works if you’re from ago times. So probably don’t use that regularly.
Could of/would of vs. could have/would have
I get why you’re doing this. I do. The English language, she is a tricksy mistress. She sounds one way, she spells another. When you say, out loud, “I could have gone for a second tequila shot,” it kind of SOUNDS like “I could of gone for a second tequila shot.” So you WRITE it that way. I get it. I’m not totally unsympathetic, you guys. I like puppies, kittens, and lost causes. I really do.
DON’T EVER WRITE COULD OR WOULD OF. It’s never right. Ever. Not even EVER. Except if you’re making fun of people who write such things, or if you’re writing a grammar tutorial. And even then, it’s iffy.
To vs. Too vs. Two
Homophones. I know! They all sound the same. That’s crazysauce! Just like the you’res and the theres, these sound the same, so they’re really perplexing. Stop being homophonic, you guys. It’s 2011, and that’s totally embarrassing.
To – just a teeny little preposition. “I went to the stripclub.”
Too – also. “I want all the Precious Moments figurines, too!”
Two – more than one, less than three. “Why the hell do you have two wind-up spark-spitting nun figurines?”
Replacing any with any others makes you look to, two, toooooo ridiculous. Pay attention to what you want to say, and SAY IT.
Spelling and you
Listen, I was the spelling bee champion of my school for three years running. I’m totally bragging because I’m proud as SHIT about that. I went to the regional bee and almost made it to Washington twice, even. Like, I was 6 people away from Washington, once. Also, it was the 80s, so I wore totally stylish white sparkly tights.
And I get that it’s a digital world and things move fast and there are typos. I make them, too. Whatever. The occasional typo never killed anyone. I know that. But constantly misspelling things? THE SAME THINGS? I want to punch you with one of those Hulk Hands.
Here are some spelling issues that make me grit my teeth so hard that I’m pretty sure I need a dental nightguard.
Alot. ALOT is TWO WORDS. A. Lot. “I have a lot of issues.” “I like a lot of things.” “I DISLIKE a lot of things.” See? TWO WORDS. Why so smish-smashy with this? I don’t get it. “Alot” is never a word. Ever. “Allot” is totally a word, but doesn’t mean many. You always, always, ALWAYS need a space in between “a” and “lot.” Think about it this way. You have a cat. Do you have acat? No. You have a refrigerator. Do you have arefrigerator? No. You also don’t have alot.
Desert/dessert. A desert is where Snoopy’s brother lives; a dessert is a delicious treat for your mouthhole (unless there’s fruit in it, ick.) Remember it thusly; there are two “ss”s in “dessert” because it’s TWICE as delicious as eating sand. Unless you’re like a sandworm or something, what the hell do I know about sandworms. This spelling mistake has the added appeal of making me giggle a lot, because “I was eating the most delicious desert ever last night” and “OMG did you hear about that guy who got lost and died in the dessert?” are both totally funny.
Lose/loose. You LOSE your mind. Your morals are LOOSE. Similar to the above, it’s funny when these are done wrong. But also totally kind of sad. “I am always loosing my keys!” makes me think you’re releasing them into the wild or something. How to remember them: there are two o’s in loose, because only LOSERS have one o. Get it? Man, do I hate losing.
Advanced grammar, for you smarty smartertons
Semicolon usage. People are petrified of semicolons. PETRIFIED. Here’s a tip. Want to woo me? Use a semicolon correctly as if it’s no big thing. I’ll be a quivering bowl of jelly at your feet. Completely guaranteed. Send me semicolon porn. I’m totally not even kidding you right now. Semicolons are just about the sexiest, and I do so love a person who can use one correctly.
A semicolon is used for a few things. Here’s a handy style guide. But an easy way to tell if you’re using it correctly for beginners is – are the two clauses you’re joining stand-alone sentences?
Example: “I always liked to visit the ocean; the sound of the waves had a nice calming effect.”
See, the first part is a sentence on its own. And so is the second part. And you could just put them as two separate sentences. But with that semicolon, it looks FANCY. And makes me hot.
You can also use semicolons in non-classy sentences. To class them up. For example: “I told Tommy I’d be waiting for him naked at the pay-by-the-hour-motel; he was going to be a little late, because he had to pick up some booze and condoms and Lysol.”
So totally classier than your normal bedbug-ridden rendezvous, am I right?
Making up words is the awesomest. OK, listen. Now, I don’t advocate that beginners make up words. Because if you do, you’re probably going to stumble and look foolish. But for those of you who want to have a Miss Kitty Fantastico time, making up words of your own is the BEST. Like, did you see what I did up there? Awesomest? Totally not a word. I KNOW! Other words I like to use a lot that don’t exist anywhere but in my own head and also on the interwebs are “interwebs,” “douchecanoe,” “asshat” and the derivative of that, “asshattian,” “ragetastic,” and “clumsified.” You can do this, too. It makes you look clever, even if you’re not. I mean, of course I’M clever. I would never even insinuate I’m not. And you’d sure as shit better not, either. I’ll punch you.
OK, so there’s your grammar primer, kids and kiddettes. You can refer to this as often as you need to. I give you permission. Bookmark it, what the hell. It will make the world a better place, I’m pretty sure. And what else am I here for? Oh, the free porn? Well, yeah, there’s that.
(Psst…on another totally horn-tootin’ topic, I had two new posts go up on my other ventures yesterday. One on Insatiable Booksluts Death-Matching two Joe Hill books – Heart-Shaped Box and Horns – and one on The Loser’s Table, screaming at all of you for not introducing me to the amazingness that is Marian Call earlier than a few days ago. AND, in even MORE geektastic geekgasm news, BOTH Marian Call AND Joe Hill totally tweeted me – ME! – that they’d READ THE POSTS. I know. I KNOW. So yesterday was kind of probably the pinnacle of my life, and I’m done now? It’s all downhill from here. Anyway, I love them both to pieces, and I highly recommend, to the highest nth, you read anything with Joe Hill’s name on it – my favorite so far is Heart-Shaped Box, but he hasn’t misstepped yet, so you can’t go wrong with any of his work – and go IMMEDIATELY to the link at the bottom of the Marian Call post and download one of her albums. Or all. All of her albums. But my heart is totally swept up in Got to Fly at the moment. Now, go forth, grammar-perfect, with good books in hand and good music in your earholes. You’re welcome.)
November 29th, 2011 at 12:16 pm
Is it “to much” or “too much” ?
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:22 pm
You made me nervous I had that typo in here so I did a search but you faked me out! Nice job! It depends. “I don’t like too much milk in my coffee” = correct (if suspect, because who drinks coffee like that?) “I speak like a moron and say things wrong all the time like ‘to much'” is actually grammatically correct. So it could go either way. Helpful, right? WINNER.
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:28 pm
…but if “too” means also, aren’t you saying “also much” ?
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:30 pm
The English language is slippery. So yes, but no. And yes. It’s TOO hard TO contemplate TOO deeply.
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:38 pm
There are too many tos. It’s confusing, too!
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:21 pm
I do like turtles.
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:24 pm
Because you are AWESOME. All the awesome people like turtles. There’s nothing to dislike about turtles. They are the BEST.
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:25 pm
I like Mad Men also.
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:31 pm
I haven’t seen it yet. It’s on my list. Someday! Someday! I do love me some gruff, hot men in suits. Rawr.
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:50 pm
It’s very.. stylish. Yes. Stylish. In a good way!
Like ‘The hudsucker proxy’ is stylish. (Just remembered the scene where Mr Hudsucker steps on his leather chair to climb up onto the boardroom table. The soft smooth seat leather gives under his shoe and make this sumptuous little creaking sound to let you know just how soft it is. Ahh..)
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:30 pm
I also like homophones.
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:31 pm
I made up the word assdouche; Ashton Kutcher is an example of an assdouche.
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:36 pm
I have been using semicolons a lot in the past. A LOT! But lately I’ve sort of gone off them; I don’t know why.
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:45 pm
*melts into puddle*
THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT RIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
Winner of semicolons: @heinakroon.
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:58 pm
:( Grmph!
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:40 pm
(My secret shame is prepositions. I do struggle from time to time with getting them right. It makes me a little sad. But then I remember I’m not a native English-speaker and that does make me feel a little bit better.)
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November 29th, 2011 at 12:46 pm
Non-native speakers get a pass. The English language is virtually impossible for *native* speakers (just walk into any public space here and that theory is proven.) I tip my hat to anyone attempting to learn English. We’ve got some weird rules.
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November 29th, 2011 at 3:52 pm
Perhaps can you dissuade people from throwing apostrophes around like glitter? As in, ” She get’s to go on vacation tomorrow.” NO! She doesn’t “get is” to go nor can “get” possess anything. Rant over. Nobody’s perfect – it looks like I type with my feet 95% of the time and I may never master verb/noun agreement or the difference between lay/lie. :)
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November 29th, 2011 at 9:19 pm
I wish I had thought of this when I’d written the post. YES YES YES. (I also have to look up lay/lie and nauseated/nauseous whenever I use them, so I agree – we all have our things!) Along the unnecessary punctuation lines – have you seen the Unnecessary Quotation Marks website? It’s awesome. So many things in quotes that shouldn’t be. Link: http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/
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November 29th, 2011 at 8:14 pm
They’re good punctuation and grammar joke’s in the Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde. *sorry* :)
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November 29th, 2011 at 8:16 pm
I *adore* that series. ADORE.
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November 29th, 2011 at 8:41 pm
So, Usage Guru, do you have any thoughts on whether I am using asterisks correctly? I intuit that they are used to convey emotional or other states of being that are somewhat hard to convey through social media. Like emoticons, but wordy. The Google check I just did seems oddly lacking in information or opinions on the matter. Thanks!
Signed,
Grasshopper
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November 29th, 2011 at 9:16 pm
Like I did in my response to your other comment? I think they’re just internet speak for italics or bold when you can’t do either – like on Twitter, or in comments. I kind of use them indiscriminately, because I’m all over the place with my grammar rules. It’s like once you’ve mastered something – say, playing the guitar? Then you can improvise. I give you freedom to improvise, too! Mostly because you called me Usage Guru, and that rocks. Or – *rocks*. There, see how I did that? Awesome!
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November 30th, 2011 at 9:51 am
Have been collecting turtle-shaped things (tiny statues, Netsuke, paper weights) since I was a child.
My wife and I didn’t want typical wedding rings, so we found a design by Kieselstein-Cord that is simply a turtle shell. Cool, eh?
Wish I could simply ignore poor grammar. It’s just not to be. Everyone makes mistakes-I get that, but the language is so beautiful when it’s used properly. Preaching to the proverbial choir there Amy.
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November 30th, 2011 at 4:39 pm
Why do you live so far away? I think we’re secretly related or something. Do you think you might be my brother I didn’t know I had?
I ALSO have a collection of all the turtle-shaped things, and I ALSO agree that, when used well, there is nothing, NOTHING, more beautiful than the English language. I’m pretty sure you’re probably my secret twin.
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November 30th, 2011 at 11:39 am
Your–er, I mean, you’re welcome.
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November 30th, 2011 at 3:39 pm
I had a boss who was constantly editing my semicolons in things I would write for work. I had to sit him down and explain to him that I was using them correctly. He had no idea and kept arguing that I was wrong. I finally just stopped; he crushed my spirit.
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November 30th, 2011 at 4:41 pm
No! He DIDN’T crush it! It’s still there, because LOOK! Look how beautifully you used one up there! Hey, CMTomaso’s old boss! Come talk to me, I want to smack you with a crowbar a few times for giving improper grammar advice! No one messes with proper semicolon usage, not on MY watch!
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November 30th, 2011 at 8:34 pm
You’re ALL RIGHT.
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December 1st, 2011 at 11:55 pm
Were my caps too subtle?
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December 2nd, 2011 at 7:07 am
NO. I missed the comment. It’s been FIXED. Sorry! SORRY! Eep!
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December 2nd, 2011 at 7:07 am
I missed this comment because I was distracted by fear from the Santa comment. I’M SO SORRY. I AM all right. But you know, I actually surprisingly don’t hate alright? I know I should, but for some reason, it doesn’t bother me. Hmm. Interesting. This is like therapy, only with letters.
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December 28th, 2011 at 9:54 am
[…] What’s that? You rather read about grammar instead? Why, of course; go right ahead! The Lucy’s football post is a really good one, I’ll wait for you here. "I'm a quantum cat, […]
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February 8th, 2012 at 1:29 pm
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
While I could do the obvious and jump in with a semi-colon, I will offer up that the proper use of a comma or ellipsis is also lacking in American culture. Honestly, the use of a comma is the difference between:
“Let’s eat, Grandma.”
and
“Let’s eat Grandma.”
;-)
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February 8th, 2012 at 3:22 pm
The recent spate of comma related memes (which, I believe, grew from the movement to get rid of the Oxford comma) entertain me to no end. The one with the baby seals in a dance club with “Commas make the difference between ‘Stop clubbing, baby seals’ and “Stop clubbing baby seals'” made me laugh out loud. (I refuse to write LOL because I’m not 13.) :)
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