OK, so yesterday, two things happened: NO CELL PHONE COVERAGE ZOMG and also we discussed dating tips, and I sent you out, minions, to go forth and collect me dating tips for the modern age so we could discuss them today.
WELL! It’s a new day, and guess what? NO CELL PHONE COVERAGE AGAIN YESTERDAY. Yep! Another shift at work without my cell. So that was super-fun and not-at-all-upsetting. Come to find out my dad was WRONG (I know! What the hell?) and apparently there’s something going on there where, in the past week, over half of the employees’ cell phones won’t work anymore. So I was totally right and there’s some sort of blocking device happening, right? Can robots running the world be far behind? CAN THEY?
Also, my dad said to ask “my blog people” about the cell phone blocking technology. Apparently, he thinks that I have a lot of readers who know about totally nefarious plans so I can’t tweet on my breaks on Saturdays. Also, I think he thinks my blog and Twitter and Facebook are all one thing, which is totally adorable. So anyway, blog people, what the hell? What do you all know about this? I mean, if my dad says you know, you probably do. Then again, he’s said you’re all imaginary a number of times so I don’t know how much he really believes you’re going to have an answer to this totally pesky problem.
ANYWAY. So, guess what? At first, you minions totally did not come through for me AT ALL with the modern dating advice. I had ONE MINION. One. ONE! That is not at all satisfactory. Then that one minion, who is very very famous, apparently, activated HER minions, and then I got a few more minions. So! Good job, minions. You have helped me write a blog post. Now, can you come write it? I have a lot of things to do today. Like put up the Christmas tree. The cats won’t do it for me. I asked.
So, without further ado:
TIPS FOR DATING IN THE MODERN AGE
(as helpfully offered by the minions of Lucy’s Football)
“Here’s a bit of modern dating advice: DON’T DATE PEOPLE YOU MEET ON THE INTERNETS. TRUST ME. IT CANNOT END WELL. All those people on eharmony commercials? LIARS.”
This tip came to us from the minion who led me to my new minions, Handflapper. Now listen, I didn’t know she EXISTED until recently. But now I do, and I am VERY EXCITED. Because we are totally internet BFFs. Don’t be sad, other internet BFFs. I’m a total internet BFF floozy and slut it up all over internet BFF-land. ALSO! I didn’t know about her BLOG until recently. But it is AWESOMESAUCE.
Anyway! This is very good advice. Especially about eHarmony. Because listen, once upon a time when I was trusting of all the things? I thought, hey, let’s try dating online! So I tried the free eHarmony trial because the people in the commercials looked so goddamn cute? But the tests you had to take to get in took me – and this is not even an exaggeration – like a month. OK, that was totally an exaggeration. But at least a few hours or something. They were boring and detailed and I hated them and I usually really like personality tests. Then the people I was matched with were so far from people that I might be interested in that I thought maybe my evil twin had accidentally stepped in and taken some of the tests when I was zoned out with boredom? Then, THEN, come to find out that eHarmony wasn’t allowing people that didn’t believe in God or gay people on their site. (They have a separate site, “Compatible Partners,” for gay people, and that’s not Jim-Crow-y at all! And I can’t find anything that says you have to believe in God to get on eHarmony so maybe that was an urban legend or something that happened a long time ago, I don’t know. I’m touchy about God stuff so it could just be me.)
ANYWAY, so eHarmony is out, and Match.com matched me up with the guy who tried really hard to be a date rapist until I escaped, and Plenty of Fish was kind of full of weirdos except that really nice guy who didn’t have a chin (I WAS THE ASSHOLE IN THAT SITUATION NOT HIM) so then I totally gave up. I know. I know, I’m not usually a quitter. I’m all about beating a dead horse. But there were a LOT of weirdos, you guys.
But LISTEN! I think there might be normal people. I know four people (who read this blog, so no names) who are either married to, or in serious relationships with, their internet fellas or ladies. So it can happen. I don’t want to call Handflapper a liar (because I’m pretty sure she’ll cut me, she seems totally badass), but I think the verdict’s out on this one. Are there crazy pervs who may or may not totally lie about everything about themselves? (Like, one time, when the internet was a baby, a woman I knew DROVE TO FLORIDA to meet her internet boyfriend, who ended up being 15 years younger, 200 pounds heavier, and 7 inches shorter than he’d said he was, and also the photo he’d sent her was of his own DAD, EW EW EW. Also, he showed up in a little sports car, and I’m going to be totally mean here, but HE GOT STUCK IN IT. I’m not kidding. He was so…um…bulky…he got STUCK in his CAR. She had to haul him out. Sexy first intro, right?) (I just re-read that and realized that it looks like I’m vaguely covering that this happened to me. It didn’t. Like I could afford to go to Florida on a whim in college. It was a coworker. I felt SO BAD for her, you guys. She was SO CRUSHED.) Yep. Are there also normal people who make you all kinds of irrationally happy? Yep. I kind of have to believe that, too, even though it’s scary and I’m really bad at trusting anyone with anything because people are very irresponsible and the reason we can’t have nice things. It’s a crapshoot.
Now listen, I totally researched and shit how to put Tweets into a post and this was going to be very pretty. But I can’t figure it out because I am functionally handicapped when it comes to technology and also because my minions who help with things like this are sleeping or something. So you don’t get pretty. SORRY.
“Dating advice? Don’t go out w/anyone boring. Even if they offer to pay for dinner. Unless you’re really hungry.”
I completely agree with this. I hate boring. HATE. Listen, I am a firework of excitement. What? I’m completely annoying and never shut up? YES. I am THAT TOO. I know I can totally bulldoze a conversation. But if you can’t keep up with me, you aren’t invited to my party. If I have to hold the entire conversation on my own? I’m out. One guy, who made me do all the talking, without even giving me anything to go on other than a “mm-hmm” or a “nope” for like three HOURS, emailed me when he got home telling me how well it went and that he wanted to kiss me and couldn’t wait to do it next time. THERE WILL BE NO NEXT TIME I ALMOST DIED OF BORED. I come from a family of very loud, very entertaining people. You can’t get a word in edgewise. They’re hysterical and they’re sarcastic and they’re the ones you want to be hanging out with. They’re the standard I measure all social interaction against and find it lacking. If you’re all quiet mouse in your quiet house? Thanks for playing and have a nice day, bub.
But yeah, sometimes you’re really hungry? So I suppose you have to put that aside if you really need a chimichanga.
“The only dating advice I remember was that ‘The Rules’ crap…”
This comes to us from Mer, who is my REAL LIFE friend. I know! She’s met me in REAL life. And still likes me! She’s like a very famous famous person! We went to California together once! On a road trip! It was the awesome! Also, she has the honor of being the person I watched “Once More with Feeling” with the first time! That’s not the kind of thing you take lightly, you know.
I remember this book. Sort of. Wasn’t there something like, “Don’t accept a date for the weekend any later than Wednesday because then he won’t think you’re a priority” or something? Let’s research.
“Don’t Talk to a Man First,” “Don’t Stare at Men or Talk too Much,” “Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls,” “Don’t Go Dutch on a Date,” “Don’t Meet Him Halfway,” “Stop Dating Him if He Doesn’t Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine’s Day,” “No More Than Casual Kissing on the First Date,” “Be Honest, but Mysterious.”
Wow! These are really, really, helpful, if by helpful, you mean the worst ideas possibly ever! I guess sixteen years ago when I was busy finishing college women were busy ACTING LIKE TOTAL ASSHOLES. Here’s my question – what kind of man are these rules going to land you? I don’t think I’d want him. He seems like he’s too easily fooled. I like a man who’ll call me on my shit. I mean, probably then I’ll yell at him or something, but I like that he showed the initiative and intelligence not to be fooled.
“Dating: I do this thing in bed w/a guy’s nuts. It’s like Rock-em-Sock-em robots. Guy is speechless after so it must be good.”
This comes to us from @ShirleyEwe. She is a new minion. Also, apparently, the best, because this is VERY GOOD ADVICE. I will have to try this soon. Who wants to volunteer? I’ll make a list and check your references.
“My dating advice is to invite them over to drink and do laundry.”
This comes to us from @Patrixmyth. He is a GERMAN minion. (I have to edit this to add: he is LIVING in Germany, but he is an AMERICAN minion. This is VERY IMPORTANT and I am VERY SORRY.) That is very exciting! I am an international superstar, yo! And this is very good advice. Except, I don’t have a washer/dryer, so they’d have to use my laundry room. And the people who hang out in there are all kinds of sketch. There were some people in there the other night who were loudly on their cells? And after a few minutes, I realized they were TALKING TO EACH OTHER. What? Why are you doing that? I mean, unlimited cell minutes are nice, but also, so is talking face to face. Also, @Patrixmyth wouldn’t clarify if I had to do the guy’s laundry, or if we were doing our own laundry, or what, which makes me think I’m supposed to do the guy’s laundry, and no way, buckaroo. Do your own delicates. I’m busy enough as it is. I have to Rock-Em-Sock-Em some guy’s nutsack in a little while. That’s going to take TIME. You can’t half-ass something like that.
“If you get a flat tire on the date don’t change it if you want him to call you again.”
This comes to us from @zippy219. I want to find whatever douchecanoe was rude to her and punch him in the neck because she is one of my FAVORITE minions. Listen, first, if I got a flat tire on a date, I’d call AAA, because that’s why I have them, and they make me feel safe. Second, if some guy was threatened by how shiny amazing rainbow awesome I am, he can fuck himself twice over, Sally. I’m not going to pretend I can’t do something I rock at just so he can feel like his dick’s less microscopic.
“Don’t pretend anything. It’s guaranteed heartache later on.”
This is from @lahikmajoe. He is very intelligent about a lot of things. The thing I like most that he is intelligent about is cheese. Also I like his blog, because he goes to fancy places, and I can pretend I went, too, and that I’m cultured. ALSO like cheese.
This is actually very heartfelt and true and appreciated. I’m really, really (as mentioned) bad at subterfuge. Like, I can leave shit out? I do that all the time. But flat-out lying? Really bad at it. And when people do it to me? Oh. That is bad, bad news. My dad’s response when he finds out someone lied to me: “Oh. They’re dead to you now, right?” Yep. Pretty much.
So, yes! Listen to the man and STOP BEING LYING LIARS WHO LIE. Thanks.
“My best advice: Guys aren’t ever really private. If he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s dating you, he’s ashamed or married.”
This comes to us from Amanda. I have to add something to this one, which is totally not at all uh-uh no way from experience no not me: gay. Also he might be gay. And ashamed. And, in New York, possibly also married. To a husband.
Anyway, yes. This is very astute. I’ve had this happen, and I agree. Also, Amanda is secretly my sister, by the way, because we have the same list of things we are looking for in a potential mate. Ready? You can take notes if you want.
I mean, Amanda put it that way. Because she’s a classy lady. I’m pretty sure I might have said something like “if he can use a multisyllabic word correctly in context I’m spreading right there at the Friendly’s before the Happy Endings sundaes arrive” or something. Yep. I know, right? Why someone hasn’t snapped me up yet, I’ll never know.
Hey, also, Canadian men who are lucky enough to go on a date with Amanda? STOP BEING ASSHOLES. She’s just about the most amazing, and I’m about one more bad date story from coming across the border with a chainsaw and a hatchet after the lot of you. TREAT HER RIGHT YOU YAHOOS.
So here are the tips my minions have collected for you! Are you so enlightened now? Yeah. I thought so. I totally provide a service over here, I can’t even tell you. You’re WELCOME, interweb daters! Good luck with the dating thing! Watch out for serial killers/people carrying copies of The Rules/those crazies from eHarmony!
(Title is a line from Julia Price’s amazing, boppy song “Girlfriend”, which I can’t stop listening to since I heard her live on the radio about a month ago. Seriously. She’s just about the most adorable. Watch, watch. You will love.)