I’m single and there’s way, way too many options

OK, so yesterday, two things happened: NO CELL PHONE COVERAGE ZOMG and also we discussed dating tips, and I sent you out, minions, to go forth and collect me dating tips for the modern age so we could discuss them today.

WELL! It’s a new day, and guess what? NO CELL PHONE COVERAGE AGAIN YESTERDAY. Yep! Another shift at work without my cell. So that was super-fun and not-at-all-upsetting. Come to find out my dad was WRONG (I know! What the hell?) and apparently there’s something going on there where, in the past week, over half of the employees’ cell phones won’t work anymore. So I was totally right and there’s some sort of blocking device happening, right? Can robots running the world be far behind? CAN THEY?

Also, my dad said to ask “my blog people” about the cell phone blocking technology. Apparently, he thinks that I have a lot of readers who know about totally nefarious plans so I can’t tweet on my breaks on Saturdays. Also, I think he thinks my blog and Twitter and Facebook are all one thing, which is totally adorable. So anyway, blog people, what the hell? What do you all know about this? I mean, if my dad says you know, you probably do. Then again, he’s said you’re all imaginary a number of times so I don’t know how much he really believes you’re going to have an answer to this totally pesky problem.

ANYWAY. So, guess what? At first, you minions totally did not come through for me AT ALL with the modern dating advice. I had ONE MINION. One. ONE! That is not at all satisfactory. Then that one minion, who is very very famous, apparently, activated HER minions, and then I got a few more minions. So! Good job, minions. You have helped me write a blog post. Now, can you come write it? I have a lot of things to do today. Like put up the Christmas tree. The cats won’t do it for me. I asked.

So, without further ado:

(as helpfully offered by the minions of Lucy’s Football)

“Here’s a bit of modern dating advice: DON’T DATE PEOPLE YOU MEET ON THE INTERNETS. TRUST ME. IT CANNOT END WELL. All those people on eharmony commercials? LIARS.”

This tip came to us from the minion who led me to my new minions, Handflapper. Now listen, I didn’t know she EXISTED until recently. But now I do, and I am VERY EXCITED. Because we are totally internet BFFs. Don’t be sad, other internet BFFs. I’m a total internet BFF floozy and slut it up all over internet BFF-land. ALSO! I didn’t know about her BLOG until recently. But it is AWESOMESAUCE.

Anyway! This is very good advice. Especially about eHarmony. Because listen, once upon a time when I was trusting of all the things? I thought, hey, let’s try dating online! So I tried the free eHarmony trial because the people in the commercials looked so goddamn cute? But the tests you had to take to get in took me – and this is not even an exaggeration – like a month. OK, that was totally an exaggeration. But at least a few hours or something. They were boring and detailed and I hated them and I usually really like personality tests. Then the people I was matched with were so far from people that I might be interested in that I thought maybe my evil twin had accidentally stepped in and taken some of the tests when I was zoned out with boredom? Then, THEN, come to find out that eHarmony wasn’t allowing people that didn’t believe in God or gay people on their site. (They have a separate site, “Compatible Partners,” for gay people, and that’s not Jim-Crow-y at all! And I can’t find anything that says you have to believe in God to get on eHarmony so maybe that was an urban legend or something that happened a long time ago, I don’t know. I’m touchy about God stuff so it could just be me.)

ANYWAY, so eHarmony is out, and Match.com matched me up with the guy who tried really hard to be a date rapist until I escaped, and Plenty of Fish was kind of full of weirdos except that really nice guy who didn’t have a chin (I WAS THE ASSHOLE IN THAT SITUATION NOT HIM) so then I totally gave up. I know. I know, I’m not usually a quitter. I’m all about beating a dead horse. But there were a LOT of weirdos, you guys.

But LISTEN! I think there might be normal people. I know four people (who read this blog, so no names) who are either married to, or in serious relationships with, their internet fellas or ladies. So it can happen. I don’t want to call Handflapper a liar (because I’m pretty sure she’ll cut me, she seems totally badass), but I think the verdict’s out on this one. Are there crazy pervs who may or may not totally lie about everything about themselves? (Like, one time, when the internet was a baby, a woman I knew DROVE TO FLORIDA to meet her internet boyfriend, who ended up being 15 years younger, 200 pounds heavier, and 7 inches shorter than he’d said he was, and also the photo he’d sent her was of his own DAD, EW EW EW. Also, he showed up in a little sports car, and I’m going to be totally mean here, but HE GOT STUCK IN IT. I’m not kidding. He was so…um…bulky…he got STUCK in his CAR. She had to haul him out. Sexy first intro, right?) (I just re-read that and realized that it looks like I’m vaguely covering that this happened to me. It didn’t. Like I could afford to go to Florida on a whim in college. It was a coworker. I felt SO BAD for her, you guys. She was SO CRUSHED.) Yep. Are there also normal people who make you all kinds of irrationally happy? Yep. I kind of have to believe that, too, even though it’s scary and I’m really bad at trusting anyone with anything because people are very irresponsible and the reason we can’t have nice things. It’s a crapshoot.

Now listen, I totally researched and shit how to put Tweets into a post and this was going to be very pretty. But I can’t figure it out because I am functionally handicapped when it comes to technology and also because my minions who help with things like this are sleeping or something. So you don’t get pretty. SORRY.

“Dating advice? Don’t go out w/anyone boring. Even if they offer to pay for dinner. Unless you’re really hungry.”

This tip comes to us from @lgalaviz, who is totally one of my minions and always wins the internet. Also, her blog is the best. Sometimes she mentions me in it. READ HER BLOG NOW DAMMIT.

I completely agree with this. I hate boring. HATE. Listen, I am a firework of excitement. What? I’m completely annoying and never shut up? YES. I am THAT TOO. I know I can totally bulldoze a conversation. But if you can’t keep up with me, you aren’t invited to my party. If I have to hold the entire conversation on my own? I’m out. One guy, who made me do all the talking, without even giving me anything to go on other than a “mm-hmm” or a “nope” for like three HOURS, emailed me when he got home telling me how well it went and that he wanted to kiss me and couldn’t wait to do it next time. THERE WILL BE NO NEXT TIME I ALMOST DIED OF BORED. I come from a family of very loud, very entertaining people. You can’t get a word in edgewise. They’re hysterical and they’re sarcastic and they’re the ones you want to be hanging out with. They’re the standard I measure all social interaction against and find it lacking. If you’re all quiet mouse in your quiet house? Thanks for playing and have a nice day, bub.

But yeah, sometimes you’re really hungry? So I suppose you have to put that aside if you really need a chimichanga.

“The only dating advice I remember was that ‘The Rules’ crap…”

This comes to us from Mer, who is my REAL LIFE friend. I know! She’s met me in REAL life. And still likes me! She’s like a very famous famous person! We went to California together once! On a road trip! It was the awesome! Also, she has the honor of being the person I watched “Once More with Feeling” with the first time! That’s not the kind of thing you take lightly, you know.

I remember this book. Sort of. Wasn’t there something like, “Don’t accept a date for the weekend any later than Wednesday because then he won’t think you’re a priority” or something? Let’s research.

“Don’t Talk to a Man First,” “Don’t Stare at Men or Talk too Much,” “Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls,” “Don’t Go Dutch on a Date,” “Don’t Meet Him Halfway,” “Stop Dating Him if He Doesn’t Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine’s Day,” “No More Than Casual Kissing on the First Date,” “Be Honest, but Mysterious.”

Wow! These are really, really, helpful, if by helpful, you mean the worst ideas possibly ever! I guess sixteen years ago when I was busy finishing college women were busy ACTING LIKE TOTAL ASSHOLES. Here’s my question – what kind of man are these rules going to land you? I don’t think I’d want him. He seems like he’s too easily fooled. I like a man who’ll call me on my shit. I mean, probably then I’ll yell at him or something, but I like that he showed the initiative and intelligence not to be fooled.

“Dating: I do this thing in bed w/a guy’s nuts. It’s like Rock-em-Sock-em robots. Guy is speechless after so it must be good.”

This comes to us from @ShirleyEwe. She is a new minion. Also, apparently, the best, because this is VERY GOOD ADVICE. I will have to try this soon. Who wants to volunteer? I’ll make a list and check your references.

“My dating advice is to invite them over to drink and do laundry.”

This comes to us from @Patrixmyth. He is a GERMAN minion. (I have to edit this to add: he is LIVING in Germany, but he is an AMERICAN minion. This is VERY IMPORTANT and I am VERY SORRY.) That is very exciting! I am an international superstar, yo! And this is very good advice. Except, I don’t have a washer/dryer, so they’d have to use my laundry room. And the people who hang out in there are all kinds of sketch. There were some people in there the other night who were loudly on their cells? And after a few minutes, I realized they were TALKING TO EACH OTHER. What? Why are you doing that? I mean, unlimited cell minutes are nice, but also, so is talking face to face. Also, @Patrixmyth wouldn’t clarify if I had to do the guy’s laundry, or if we were doing our own laundry, or what, which makes me think I’m supposed to do the guy’s laundry, and no way, buckaroo. Do your own delicates. I’m busy enough as it is. I have to Rock-Em-Sock-Em some guy’s nutsack in a little while. That’s going to take TIME. You can’t half-ass something like that.

“If you get a flat tire on the date don’t change it if you want him to call you again.”

This comes to us from @zippy219. I want to find whatever douchecanoe was rude to her and punch him in the neck because she is one of my FAVORITE minions. Listen, first, if I got a flat tire on a date, I’d call AAA, because that’s why I have them, and they make me feel safe. Second, if some guy was threatened by how shiny amazing rainbow awesome I am, he can fuck himself twice over, Sally. I’m not going to pretend I can’t do something I rock at just so he can feel like his dick’s less microscopic.

“Don’t pretend anything. It’s guaranteed heartache later on.”

This is from @lahikmajoe. He is very intelligent about a lot of things. The thing I like most that he is intelligent about is cheese. Also I like his blog, because he goes to fancy places, and I can pretend I went, too, and that I’m cultured. ALSO like cheese.

This is actually very heartfelt and true and appreciated. I’m really, really (as mentioned) bad at subterfuge. Like, I can leave shit out? I do that all the time. But flat-out lying? Really bad at it. And when people do it to me? Oh. That is bad, bad news. My dad’s response when he finds out someone lied to me: “Oh. They’re dead to you now, right?” Yep. Pretty much.

So, yes! Listen to the man and STOP BEING LYING LIARS WHO LIE. Thanks.

“My best advice: Guys aren’t ever really private. If he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s dating you, he’s ashamed or married.”

This comes to us from Amanda. I have to add something to this one, which is totally not at all uh-uh no way from experience no not me: gay. Also he might be gay. And ashamed. And, in New York, possibly also married. To a husband.

Anyway, yes. This is very astute. I’ve had this happen, and I agree. Also, Amanda is secretly my sister, by the way, because we have the same list of things we are looking for in a potential mate. Ready? You can take notes if you want.

  1. Intelligent;
  2. Well-read;
  3. Funny.

I mean, Amanda put it that way. Because she’s a classy lady. I’m pretty sure I might have said something like “if he can use a multisyllabic word correctly in context I’m spreading right there at the Friendly’s before the Happy Endings sundaes arrive” or something. Yep. I know, right? Why someone hasn’t snapped me up yet, I’ll never know.

Hey, also, Canadian men who are lucky enough to go on a date with Amanda? STOP BEING ASSHOLES. She’s just about the most amazing, and I’m about one more bad date story from coming across the border with a chainsaw and a hatchet after the lot of you. TREAT HER RIGHT YOU YAHOOS.

So here are the tips my minions have collected for you! Are you so enlightened now? Yeah. I thought so. I totally provide a service over here, I can’t even tell you. You’re WELCOME, interweb daters! Good luck with the dating thing! Watch out for serial killers/people carrying copies of The Rules/those crazies from eHarmony!

(Title is a line from Julia Price’s amazing, boppy song “Girlfriend”, which I can’t stop listening to since I heard her live on the radio about a month ago. Seriously. She’s just about the most adorable. Watch, watch. You will love.)

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

20 responses to “I’m single and there’s way, way too many options

  • Domestic Goddess in Training

    I am so sending this post to my best friend! She has tried many of the options that are listed here… and I think she will get a kick out of this post!


  • Anonymous

    Are you thinking of dating? Really? Why don’t you work on social interaction, going out with friends, having a good time around strangers, and not being quite so judgey first, and sort of ramp-up to dating? I mean, I love you and I love your judginess, and your minions love you, but maybe? Maybe that’s not the same skill set you need? And, the thing about dating is, it’s not just that nice, structured, dinner-and-a-movie. And, any guy who isn’t a weirdo will have a life, and friends, and want to do with you that you will not want to do. Ever.


    • lucysfootball

      I am not thinking of dating. At all. No. It was a humorous blog post, and nothing more than that. Don’t worry; I’ll remain judgey, bitter and forever alone until I am eaten by my cats in a few years.


  • Ed R

    Anonymous is trying to be something. I’m not quite sure WHAT.


  • greengeekgirl

    Re: Meeting people on the internets. I am not ashamed to “come out” as one of the people who met my husband on the internet. NOT ASHAMED. At all. But nobody I’ve ever met through a dating site has been awesome at all. It’s weird because I know there are awesome people who use the dating sites, but for whatever reason, all of the awesome people I know who have tried it ended up meeting only boring asshats. I think dating sites are a conspiracy to trick awesome people into dating boring people.

    The key to meeting online is like, the key to meeting someone anywhere else–don’t be looking. It’s like leprechauns, the Loch Ness Monster, or your keys, if you are actively looking you will never find it.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Great post! Love it!

    Re mobile phone blocking technology: There are mobile phone jammers that essentially disable any mobile phones withing the radius by preventing them from connecting to base stations. These are illegal in the States, though. Who are your employers, really? Are you quite safe working for them? Do you need extraction assistance and witness protection relocation? I could make a few phone calls, have things sorted within 48 hours, if you want?

    Re dating advice: I missed the whole thing due to my tendency to sleep during night time. You can imagine how I kicked myself when I realised what had happened in my absence! I did recover quite quickly, however, when I remembered that I suck at dating and would have had no useful advice to offer at all. So instead I made myself some breakfast and wrote the basis for my zombie post (which should be done by Friday).


    • lucysfootball

      A. I am VERY EXCITED about the zombie post.

      B. My employers wouldn’t quail at using illegal-in-the-states technology, I don’t think. But it doesn’t seem like them to research something like that. So I think it’s something else. But what? WHAT?

      C. Nah. They’re harmless. I can evade them with my ninja-skills. But still send me some robot chickens.


  • Brenna

    I real-life know TWO women who met their new (second for both of them) husbands through on-line dating services. I guess some people actually wind up lucky. I know another who gave up those services after going out with someone who was nothing like he described and gave off rapist vibes. She was not so lucky. Although she came home unscathed, so maybe I have three real life lucky friends. Except if she happened to read this comment, I might be down one lucky friend because she probably would appreciate me talking about this.

    What was I going to say again?


  • lahikmajoe

    I love being simultaneously a minion as well as a dating expert.

    Very weird thing-the Internet dating. It’s a tool. There’ll be weirdos just like in normal life. There’ll always be people with whom you just don’t click.

    This is a funny topic, & I like how your dad sees the web and your minions. If it were only that easy.


    • lucysfootball

      You’re awesome on ALL the levels. I don’t think we’ve even begun to see how awesome you are.

      Oh, the my-dad stories I could tell, if only he hadn’t told me “AMY DON’T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT ME TO YOUR INTERNET PEOPLE OR THEY’LL STALK AND KILL ME!”


  • Omnibus

    Number one dating tip! Always take your cell phone, wallet and all your clothes into the bathroom with you, and LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR!!!


    • lucysfootball

      I don’t know if I want to know the impetus behind this advice. I’m worried about you right now. ARE YOU OK?


      • renni

        I know what Omnibus is saying (Love the Beatles ref, btw!) If you don’t know someone (first 3 dates) they might steal money out of your wallet, take your phone, etc. so keep it all with you, even when you shower, and yes, alway lock the bathroom door.


  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    My mom met her husband on e-harmony. They’ve been together 3.5 years. Jury is still out. I haven’t dated in over twenty-one years, talk about zomg. So I didn’t offer any dating advice. Relationship advice? That person you are or will be dating is a PERSON, ergo FLAWED and SELFISH so it is important to forgive their flaws to the extent they forgive yours and stand up for yourself when they get tramply all over your feelings and rights in their own self-interest. Saves years of fighting and/or cold angry silences later on. Liked the song!


  • CMTomaso

    I just thought I’d throw out that my wife and I met on Match. She was my last attempt, if it didn’t work out with her, I was done. Of course, it did work out and I was done anyway. No one was particularly judgy about it, except my grandmother, to this day, doesn’t believe us.


  • Bronwyn Kelly

    a) love the song! :D so cute!
    b) been there with the “surprise!! he’s married!!” thing. ouch.
    c) maybe Amanda and i need to move… i have scary dating stories! :P
    d) i may have to try the laundry thing. i won’t do HIS laundry… but i’m happy to supply the machines and wine! ;)

    …anyone? …anyone?


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