Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:
Due to a complete, total, and utter increase in your awesome insanity quotient this month, the format of this recurring letter has had to change. Are you so totally proud of yourselves? YOU’VE CHANGED HISTORY. I know! You should really celebrate this somehow. What do you mean, “how.” I don’t know how. I’m about to answer a metric ton of questions, some more meritorious of answering than others, and you want me to plan your history-changing celebration as well? TAKE SOME INITITIAVE, you guys. I can’t hold your hand in the bathroom for your entire lives. Also, WASH YOUR HANDS. So sticky.
There are a lot of new people here now. So to catch you up: I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the fifth one. As you can tell from the title. Search for the others; they’re stellar.) You know. As you do. What do you mean that’s not what you do? You’re all really rude today, I can’t even tell you.
I had about five pages of insane search terms. FIVE PAGES. In WORD. I KNOW. So I was able to narrow that down to eleven categories of awesomeness. I left out you people who got here in a boring fashion. If you got here searching for my blog, you didn’t exactly get here accidentally, now, did you? THIS LETTER ISN’T FOR YOU. I’m not saying you can’t READ it. Stop crying.
So instead of addressing you all individually, which would take like a year or something, I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. So it’s kind of like college orientation. But I promise, unlike MY college orientation, you won’t have to do a group getting-to-know-you activity like “all of you use your bodies and squish them all together to imitate a copier/fax machine.” I wish this wasn’t a true thing that happened to me. I really do. When they were all, “Hey! Amy! What part do you want to be?” I said, “Whatever part doesn’t have to touch any of you sweaty yahoos.” I made a lot of friends at orientation.
Category the First: Strangely Specific Search Terms
160X200 images of emo girls with their boyfriends
photos of sad disappointed men’s hands
scriptually what does passing through the fire mean
Wow! Um, these are…very specific! I like that one person knows EXACTLY WHAT SIZE their emo photo needs to be. Also, do “sad, disappointed men’s hands” look different than normal men’s hands? Are they all droopy or something? And if you think I know anything about scripture…well, you’re actually right on. I TAUGHT CHURCHSCHOOL. I know. It’s insane. Stop laughing. Literally dozens of children were tainted by my laissez-faire “yeah, so then God said…whatever. I don’t care. Let’s play with the felt Noah’s Ark or something.” But I don’t think this blog really is where you should check for any scriptural resource-like things. Because honestly? If I were to step inside a church nowadays, I’m pretty sure either me or the church would go all Firestarter.
Category the Second: Weird Animal Related Search Terms
3 toed sloths going to the bathroom
caracal gun red dot
what the hell is a kookaburra
people and caracals
Um…ok. Some of these, I get it. I like animals. I like them more than people. I put them up on my blog sometimes. But to the asshat who apparently wants a photo of a caracal with a laser sight on it as if it’s about to be executed by a sniper, fuck you very much. And why does anyone want to see a sloth pissing? Go to the zoo and wait long enough, everything pisses. “Moody bearcats.” Yep. Sounds about right. Since I love them, and I tend to love things I feel an affinity toward, it figures they’re moody as well. But LISTEN. “What the hell is a KOOKABURRA?” You don’t KNOW? First, +1 for typing that into Google that way. Too awesome. I like to imagine this person all stuck in numerous kookaburra-related debates, just nodding along, and then going home and angrily punching this search into Google. “I AM SO TIRED OF NOT KNOWING WHAT AN EFFING KOOKABURRA IS SERIOUSLY.” It’s a fantastic Australian bird, little lost wanderer. There’s a song about it. All is well. Shh, shh, shh.
Category the Third: A Search Term That Proves I am a Very Famous Fancy Person
“sam adams” “kevin smith”
Now, I’m aware that just about any yahoo could have typed this search in like this. But here’s the thing. Two people did. TWO. So, using my deductive powers of awesome, I have decided one is Sam Adams, the author of the article who I kind of ragged on a couple of weeks ago and may or may not have implied he had a teeny weiner (sorry Sam ADAMS I’m sure it’s totally SUFFICIENT) and the other? Well. Kevin Smith, of course. WHO ELSE WOULD HAVE DONE THIS SEARCH. No one, that’s who. So now Kevin Smith is TOTALLY a regular READER here, but he’s flying under the radar. Hi! Kevin! Hi! It’s ok. You can come out and say hi. We’ll all be very nice. Well, I mean, I can’t guarantee ALL of us will. Some of my commenters might be total assholes. BUT I WILL BLOCK THEM FOR YOU KEVIN. It’s all for YOU, Damien.
I think we can all agree I’m going to be working on his next movie any…day…now. WE CAN AGREE SHUT UP.
Category the Fourth: Search Terms That Make Me Sad For the World
a fairytale character who leaves socks under there bed
Damon Salvatore covered in glitter
Oh, no. No, no.
OK, let’s go one by one. First: I actually get the reference in the first one. In the last episode of Once Upon a Time, we found out that the Evil Queen was schtupping the SUPER EFFING HOT Sheriff. And it was kind of stupidly revealed by this “hey you left your socks under the bed” I wonder who she’s sleeping with? THE SHERIFF RETRIEVES THE SOCKS nonsense. But this searcher thinks this is a CLUE to the Sheriff’s IDENTITY. Oh, honey. No. No no. I don’t know if it’s been revealed who he is yet, but the socks were just socks. Sometimes a pipe’s just a pipe, too. AND IT’S “THEIR” BED. We’re going to have to do a grammar post one of these days, aren’t we?
There had DAMN WELL not be ANY photos of Damon covered in glitter. I’ll cut a bitch.
If you need a DUI lawyer, I can’t help you. Well, no, that’s not true. I can. I can help you on Saturdays if you call the lawyers I answer for at the answering service. But probably don’t search HERE for help.
“Forever along?” Sorry. Sorry. This just…sorry. Yes. That’s it exactly. It’s forever along. That’s the face I’ve been making all these years. My forever along face.
Category the Fifth: A Search Term That Is Totally Judgmental
obnoxious and silly
Well, fuck you, too! And you’re totally in the right place. Punch and cookies on the table over there.
Category the Sixth: Pervy Search Terms (danger Will Robinson, because, ew)
a girl forgot to put a shirt on and can see her tits
girls playing with condoms
lesbian tendency in straight girls
little naughty girl sitting on Santa’s lap
much naughtier too!!
blonde teen tit grab
naked girl bong open sexuality
stutty girl in short sweater dress
standing and grabbing tits
People say “tits” too much.
Also, girls don’t often “forget” to put their tops on. It’s not something we do. Sorry to burst that bubble, darlings. We also don’t: randomly pillow fight; walk around having three-hour-long naked conversations in the women’s locker room; and hump the pizza delivery man to bow-chicka-wow-wow music. Well, much, for that last one, anyway.
The “stutty” one makes me laugh. I assume it’s “slutty.” But it might be “stuttery” which is awesomesauce specific.
Why does the naked girl with open sexuality also have a bong? She’s really multitasky.
That Santa thing makes me want to stab someone with a seafood fork while cleaning out my eyes with one of those sanitation stations they have in industrial plants.
Why is there so much grabbing going on? Be gentle. It’s nicer.
Also, and I was going to put it in, I really was, but it’s really ick? Someone wrote a paragraph-long search that was really a little story about the revenge a busty blonde got by screwing people in a pool – I know, how is this revenge, I don’t get it either, it didn’t have a lot of plot – and there were a lot of really filthy words in it? No, I’m not kidding. That’s…a lot of typing? I don’t know. I feel like you could be more productive with your time? Maybe sex rehab? Or NaNoWriMo?
Category the Seventh: Search Terms I Can Answer (and Hi! And I Love You!)
“i mean i don’t know” comma grammar (It’s probably “I mean, I don’t know.” You’re welcome.)
all up in my business means (If someone is all up in your business, they’re in your face, or they’re being a snoop, and that’s unacceptable. Welcome to the internet, Grandma! You’re welcome.)
dr spencer reid wet (in Season 1, Episode 18, “Somebody’s Watching,” of Criminal Minds, Dr. Reid makes out with someone in a pool. IT IS TOTALLY THE HOTTEST. You’re welcome. And thank YOU for the memory. Rawr.)
eggs on trailer hitch (those are Truck Nutz. It’s cute you think they’re eggs. They’re much grosser and less tasteful than that. You’re welcome.)
when are the zombies going to overrun us (Really soon. I hope you have a plan, an apocalypse husband – NO YOU CAN’T HAVE MINE, and a lot of liquor. You’re welcome.)
why are bad officials elected when you don’t vote (Well, let’s think logically. They’re not – but you had no say in who WAS elected. Because you didn’t get your lazy ass out there, for whatever reason, to make your stand. So if, at any point in their term, you think they’re “bad?” Just remember. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT. You’re welcome.)
Category the Eighth: Search Terms That Will Make Sure I Don’t Sleep Tonight
I am hiding under your bed
scary goblin stories
Also, GET OUT FROM UNDER MY BED. That’s where the cats go to puke.
Category the Ninth: Search Terms Of Things I Would Have No Way of Knowing About Famous People
Christian Bale body water
Christian Bale making funny faces
George peppard grab
matt lanter bonnet
I don’t know any of these things, I don’t think I have references (other than maybe one each) to these people, and I am just kind of confused. But the idea of Matt Lanter in a bonnet’s kind of adorbs. AND AGAIN WITH THE GRABBING.
Category the Tenth: Search Terms That Are Just Plain Confusing
how to make paper mache santa step by step
paper mache yoda
people who like angry grandpa speek now
tasky & hatch
thanksgiving chest pies
the five people you meet in heaven opinion
which fairy tale character am i
OK. Why so many craft searches? I’ve made paper mache twice in my life. It’s a disgusting sticky mess and I was finding it in my hair and under my nails for weeks. No thanks.
“tasky and hatch.” Is it Starsky and Hutch? This is mind-blowingly confusing.
Who’s angry grandpa? One of my grandpas died before I was born, but I hear he was more “sarcastic humor grandpa” than “angry grandpa.” The other wasn’t angry often, either, but he’s since passed away, too. I’m a reference for these things?
What’s a “chest pie?” Is it like a pie chest? Or does this search belong in the perv category?
Do you want my opinion on the BOOK The Five People You Meet in Heaven, or do you want to know who MY five people would be? As a book, I think it’s sappy hokum, but I love it irrationally and it makes me cry my eyes out every time I read it. As for who my people would be, why the hell would I know that? I’m on the express elevator down, babe.
I don’t know which fairy tale character you are. Do you want me to assign you one? Rumplestiltskin. Oh, me? Well, I’d think it’s obvious. The bad fairy not invited to Sleeping Beauty’s christening, of course. DON’T YOU PISS ME OFF.
And! And. Winner of “most confusing search” is:
I sure do like kissing
Now. More than a dozen people searched for this EXACT TERM this month. A few in quotes, with “lucy’s football” after it. So I searched my blog for that exact term, to see what was so titillating. It was (oddly enough) in LAST month’s open letter to you yahoos. And it said (italics mine) “Why do you think I know ANYTHING about vulgar kissing scenes? I mean, I like vulgarity as much as the next chica, and I sure do like kissing, but not so much watching it.”
This…for this I’m famous? Boy, you people are easy to please. I guess I don’t have to try so hard this month.
Category the Eleventh: Search Terms That Are Just Plain Awesome
a dog will lick his butt but wont eat a pickle
Craigslist trainset crabmeat
did the twitter bird went ka-boom
forbidden love letters
in medieval times what arachnid was rolled in utter and eaten for the plague and leprosy
sorry dad he is a weirdo
I love these all SO HARD. I seriously want to give you all AWARDS. Dogs won’t eat pickles? I don’t think that’s true – my brother’s dog would eat just about anything if you told her she couldn’t have it. She’s ravenous and a total beggar. My love for the Craigslist trainset story has been documented. Ha, I’m a reference for medieval things! Call me, Tyrion and Jaime! “Sorry dad he is a weirdo.” STORY OF MY DATING LIFE I AM TELLING YOU. My poor dad. And “yespleasemorethankyou” is the title of my SECOND book (if you’ve been paying attention, you know the title of my FIRST book will be “OMGWTFBBQ”). I LOVE THESE SEARCHES YO.
Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.
(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)