I don’t believe in Thanksgiving.
No, not “giving thanks.” Sure, I believe in THAT. I’m totally thankful. I don’t believe in the HOLIDAY.
I know, right? I LOVE food. Love it. LOVE IT! So you’d think an entire holiday built around food would just totally be tailored to me.
Nope. I haven’t been home for Thanksgiving in probably nine or ten years.
No, I don’t really object to Thanksgiving, per se. I’m exaggerating. (I know. What? Me? NEVER.) But isn’t Christmas just Thanksgiving with presents? There’s the same food, and the same people, but also presents. So why do it twice? That seems wasteful. Also, it’s a four-hour drive to get to where the food is. A four-hour drive that I’m doing AGAIN in a month’s time. And, AND, I have to work on Saturdays, and so I’d have to turn around on Friday and drive back! Annoying. And a total waste of gas.
I’m a really shitty road-tripper. Alone in a car, I get very, very bored. And I start to zone out. And I get sleepy, even when I’ve had like a gajillion hours of sleep the night before. So about an hour into a trip, no matter how long it is, I start to get heavy eyelids. Which sucks, because there’s not much way to fix that. I mean, if you’re really sleepy, you could pull over and nap, or something. But when it’s imaginary mental sleepiness with no real cause other than OMG SO BOOOOORED, what are you supposed to do? So I crank up showtunes and I sing really, really loudly and off-key, which helps, somewhat. Or I have long, animated conversations with myself. Because I am the most fun, so I enjoy talking to myself. I learn such interesting factoids! Oh, the fun myself and I have!
Now, I rock as a PASSENGER on a road trip. Or even as a driver when you’re on a road trip WITH me. Seriously. I am the most fun. I bring TOYS and BOOKS (seriously! Mad Libs! And Choose Your Own Adventures! I KNOW, RIGHT?) and PROPS and SNACKS and it is like an entire community theater PRODUCTION to go on a trip with me, I am telling you. I AM VERY ENTERTAINING. I know you totally want to go on a trip with me. YOU CAN. Just come here, and bring your car, because we’re sure as hell not putting mileage on mine, and also a lot of money, because I don’t have any, and then we’ll go on a trip. Where? Shit, I don’t know, you really didn’t put a lot of thought into this, did you? FINE. Michigan. We’re going to Michigan. Why? I don’t know, I came up with it all freewheeling-like. I need a REASON to go to Michigan? Um…we’re going to the American Museum of Magic. The photos on this website don’t make it at ALL look like someone there’s going to kill us and put our souls into ventriloquist’s dummies.
Oh. Oh, we were talking about Thanksgiving. Yeah. Anyway.
SO! So every year, Thanksgiving rolls around. And I always put in for overtime at my other job, and sometimes they take me up on it (because, TIME AND A HALF BABY!) but they didn’t this year. So that means two full days of complete and utter laziness. I don’t have to travel like the rest of you yahoos. I don’t have to deal with family drama, pies that don’t bake correctly, undercooked turkey, sports on television, or doing a mountain of dishes. This is a total win for me.
But try – just TRY – to tell people you’re not spending Thanksgiving with your family. Seriously. Try. Here are some actual things you will get, in response, to the following exchange: “So, Amy, when are you leaving to go home for Thanksgiving?” “Oh, I’m not. I don’t go home for Thanksgiving.”
“OH! Oh. Did you have a fight with your family?”
“Oh, honey. Did you need somewhere to go? I think we have enough food. We’d loooove to set you a place at ouuuur table.”
“I think the food pantry has a meal for people with nowhere to go.”
“That’s so sad. Can’t you afford to go home?”
“Oh. Ohhhh. Awwwww.”
“Don’t you have any family who will take you in?”
“Are you an orphan?”
“This is why I’m so glad I’m married. I can’t IMAGINE being SINGLE on a MAJOR HOLIDAY.”
“This is why there are so many suicides around the holidays.”
WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.
I didn’t murder a puppy in front of a toddler while stealing the child’s ice cream cone, for the love of Pete. I’m CHOOSING to not go HOME for THANKSGIVING. I’m not a 90-year-old woman who lives in the attic of a decrepit house and gets Meals-on-Wheels. I COULD go home, if I so choose. Why so judgey?
NO, I didn’t have a fight with my family. They’d gladly accept me at their table. They accept that I don’t want to travel 8 hours, round-trip, two months in a row. They ALSO accept I’m an antisocial weirdo who loves abstaining from major holidays.
NO, I don’t want to share Thanksgiving with your family. Can you even imagine how awkward that would be? I don’t want to be your PITY GUEST. GROSS. I’m far from having to rely on the kindness of strangers, Tennessee Williams.
YES, the food pantry DOES have a meal for people with nowhere to go. They have nowhere to go because they’re HOMELESS. I have a home. With food in it. I think I’ll stay there. Thanks, though.
YES, I can afford to go home. Rude of you to ask, though. Unless you’re offering me free money. Are you? I mean, I don’t like to take handouts, but if you were to leave me a $20 on my desk, I can’t say that I wouldn’t stick it in my wallet.
STOP with those fake-ass sympathy noises. They fool NO ONE. And they make me want to vomit.
YES, again, I DO have family that will take me in. GLADLY. There’s a turkey! And everything! We don’t even fry it in the backyard, we roast it in the oven like fancy people!
NO, I’m not an orphan! I have a whole family of people! Thank you for assuming I’m a Cabbage Patch Kid, though!
YES, it IS the worst thing imaginable, being single. I think of that every time I hear you fighting with your husband or your horrible children on speakerphone really loudly as I walk past your office door.
YES, suicide is horrible. So’s murder. Which I’m contemplating. Right now.
Listen, yahoos. My Thanksgiving is going to rock. I’m going to sleep in, watch as much of the Macy’s Parade as I can, listen to wee baby 60s Arlo Guthrie sing me “Alice’s Restaurant” (my one and only Thanksgiving Day tradition, it’s not Thanksgiving without Arlo telling me about the 27 8×10 color glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one is), watch a shitload of television, write, read, eat, screw around online, try and kill as many of the three bottles of wine I just bought as I can, do my laundry, and generally have a wild rumpus. AND IT’S ALL FOR ME. I know some of you are probably thinking that this is just the saddest, but honestly, I am so looking forward to it, I can’t even tell you. It’s so quiet! I’m totally a hermit so this is one of the things I look forward to most every year. Christmas is all sparkle and rush-rush and glitter and presents and exhaustion and time with The Nephew (not going to lie, I’m just about Tigger-bouncing with excitement about seeing him next month) but Thanksgiving is quiet and me-time. And listen, isn’t Thanksgiving about being THANKFUL? There’s nothing that makes me more thankful than two days off from work alone. NOTHING. Also, you’ll get BLOG POSTS. On THANKSGIVING. Which will make YOU thankful. Right? RIGHT. This is a total win.
So put away your sadface, people that I tell I’m not spending the holidays with family. Save it for kids without coats or turkeys or roofs over their heads. I’m good. I’m actually GREAT. And when you’re fighting with your mom over your lifestyle choices or your sister over her scumbag boyfriend stealing a ten from your purse, where’s your sadface now, hmm? That’s what I thought. Enjoy your turkey.