I don’t like to make mistakes. Who does? They are totally embarrassing. And we’ve discussed blogging rules here, and Twitter rules, but awhile ago, I was searching for something (probably porn, I totally need rehab) and I found this list of common blogging mistakes to avoid. THERE WERE 48 OF THEM. So of course I started to get all palm-sweaty and whatnot, which might have been the porn, but probably it was NERVES. FORTY-EIGHT POTENTIAL MISTAKES? What if I’m making ALL OF THEM. And you KNOW you people would never tell me. You probably think it’s SO FUNNY I’m making all the mistakes. Like, you probably get together once a week and drink all the fancy drinks with umbrellas and finger foods and have a recap of “mistakes I found on Lucy’s Football this week.” THIS IS HORRIFYING. I RELY on you people to point out my shortcomings. Why are you so AWFUL and filled with SCHADENFREUDE.
So I promptly saved the link and then forgot about it because I had more important things to do like blog about drinking and psychopath tests in Canada and songs about all the sex. You know. As you do.
But today, I thought, HEY, I’ve been making more and more and MORE mistakes, I really have to look into this situation, I’m probably a laughing stock.
Well, first, listen, most of the links? Were DEAD. This is UPSETTING. How could you people let me down like this? I was trying to do very serious research on blogging mistakes, and most of your blogs where you detail the blogging mistakes are no longer in existence, which makes me think maybe YOU made a mistake of some sort, and have been incarcerated, or something, what do I know.
But some were not. YES I clicked on ALL 48 LINKS. Listen, there is very little I won’t do in the name of making this blog more awesome.
So, here are some of the common mistakes people make. See, you thought you were all SO SMART with your mockery, but now I’m onto you! I KNOW ALL THE MISTAKES NOW.
- “Lack of vision or focus.” I have very good vision. Because of GLASSES. Oh, this probably means blog-wise. I think I’m VERY focused. I have a vision. It is to smart-ass up the internet and kind of act like an asshole in the hopes of winning the whole internet. How’m I doing? Super-good? I thought so. NEXT.
- There was a link to “posting frequency” which was good because I was all “not enough? Too much? MUST KNOW MORE” but it was DEAD. Now I’m left in the LURCH. Then another link said their biggest mistake was not posting enough, and I think we can all agree I totally post a LOT. But then ANOTHER person said THEIR biggest mistake was posting too much. GET YOUR STORIES STRAIGHT SLAPPY.
- The name of your blog needs to be perfect. Well! Everything I DO is perfect so I think I have this one NAILED. Except a lot of people come here looking for Peanuts cartoons or sports stories and leave very, very confused. But I still count that as a win, because I can record that hit against my total count for the day and that’s one step closer to total internet domination. The person writing this article went on to say that you should be able to abbreviate your blog title for maximum effect. Well, you could, I guess, but LF is stupid and why would you do that? Also, I think The Bloggess is doing alright, and she doesn’t call herself TB or something equally stupid like that. THIS RULE IS NOT WELL- THOUGHT-OUT.
- Then the VERY NEXT RULE said to never, ever, EVER change the name of your blog. Well, what if you didn’t meet the very stringent criteria in the LAST rule, hmm? These people really didn’t meet to coordinate at all. They should have gotten a webcam setup or something. Speaking of which, I’m totally supposed to be setting mine up today. But it seems difficult and I’m stuffed full of Chinese food.
- There was a link titled “Why this blog looks this way” so OF COURSE I was very excited and then it was dead. WHY? Why does it look this way? WHAT WAY? And how is that a MISTAKE? What if I’m making the SAME mistake? This list is messing with my head.
- “Don’t have too many blogs.” Shows what you know. How the hell are you supposed to win the internet with just ONE blog? Donald Trump didn’t win real estate with just one building. Don’t you watch Celebrity Apprentice? You’re embarrassing.
- Then we got to a post titled “I almost ruined everything” and this was exciting because I thought maybe she stole a car and knocked over a liquor store or something and I was going to ask her to pick up some more magic wine for me but come to find out she recycled content from one of her blogs to another. Wow. That…yeah, that totally is a life-ender, right there. I can see why you’re so upset.
- “Keep the titles of your blog posts simple and informative or people will stop visiting your blog.” Well, THAT’S judgmental. Keep your JUDGMENTS simple and less JUDGMENTAL or I’ll hit you with a 2×4. See if anyone visits your totally informative blog then, Captain Rulemaker.
- Then there were two of the MOST BORING THINGS I HAVE EVER READ EVER. One was “How not to run a contest” which you would THINK would be RIVETING but all I got from it was blah, blah, don’t not tell people about it, blah. Who wouldn’t tell people about a contest? And the other was “Five Things I Regret Most About March” and again, I was SO EXCITED but all I remember is he regretted something about maybe HTML or something because I totally fell asleep and retroactively regretted that I didn’t stop him from writing this boring piece of boredom in March. You know what I regret about March? Not winning March madness. I totally sucked at that this year. Like, ALL my teams lost. REALLY EARLY ON. What a waste of the fourteen seconds it took me to pick them out.
- I’m just going to give you the title of this one with no comment, because it doesn’t need any, because, um, yeah, well: “The Biggest Blogging Mistake I Made Was Not Blogging.”
- OK, then THIS title happened and I almost PEED myself with joy, because this one was BOUND to be awesome: “Mr. Frisky Retreats With His Tail Between His Legs.” What is this? And, AWESOME! The link was dead. OF COURSE IT WAS. I will never know what blogging mistake I’m making that involves either a household pet or a pet name for someone’s penis.
- Someone said I should have drafts saved for rainy days. Why? Is the internet dead on rainy days? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME THIS. Eff. EFF. I am the GRASSHOPPER! I didn’t save ANYTHING for a rainy day! This is the WORST! Oh, wait, that’s a metaphor? I don’t have time for your tomfoolery, mister. Good day to you. GOOD DAY TO YOU I SAY.
- “Don’t underestimate the commitment.” Well, I’m just saying that maybe if you think of it as a commitment, like clipping gramma’s toenails or taking out the recycling? You might want to take up some other awesome hobby. Blogging’s the most fun. If it’s not, you’re not doing it right.
- “Delete your first post. Odds are good it was awful.” Shows what YOU know. Mine was AWESOME. OK, it wasn’t as awesome as other things, but it makes me smile to look back at it. So whatever, dude, YOUR first post was called “HELLO WORLD,” which is TOTALLY LAMESAUCE. You delete away. I’m cooler than you’ll ever think of being.
- “Blogging ruins your self-discipline.” OK, this is curious, so I clicked, and this guy went on and on and ON about how he can’t settle down to write a post because the internet keeps distracting him. YES. The internet DOES THAT. For example, right now, I am holding three different Twitter conversations, an email conversation, and petting the cat while blogging. I AM MULTITASKY. If you can’t multitask, probably don’t blog. Go visit Mr. “Wah Wah It’s a Suck Commitment” up there. You can hang out and help hold up each other’s diapers or something.
- “No one likes a lack of predictability in your posts.” Oh. OH! THAT’S what I’ve been doing wrong! Well! Fuck me! For the next fifty years I’m going to blog about NOTHING BUT SHOE INSOLES. You’re WELCOME, internet!
- “What to do when you don’t have anything to talk about. ” Ooh! Ooh! I CAN ANSWER THIS ONE! Join Twitter, because those people are BRILLIANT. They pretty much write your posts FOR you. And they let you steal ideas! Right, @heinakroon, @edrafalko and @lgalaviz? Or just get drunk. That worked out pretty well last night. Apparently I won the internet! I’ll let you all stay on it, though. I’m a good landlord. SHUT THE DAMN DOOR WERE YOU BROUGHT UP IN A BARN? Oh, wait, the person who wrote this post says you should “pick up a fly fishing magazine.” How will I tie that into my shoe-insole blog? Hmm. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
- “Don’t handle important matters lightly.” OH MY GOD I ALWAYS DO THIS. The link is DEAD? NOOOOOO. How do I fix this? HOW? This is a major mistake. I totally make fun of matters of world import ALL THE TIME. For all I know, someone’s coming to take my blogging license away. HELP ME.
- “Never fail to recognize the importance of your relationship with your readers.” What does this mean? Am I supposed to make out with all of them? Or buy them sandwiches? Or bring them to the doctor on colonoscopy day? I don’t think I have that much personal time left. It’s almost the end of the year. Also, some of my readers are total yahoos. But don’t worry. I tell them that all the time so they’ll know. I don’t want them getting a big head. No one likes someone with an inflated ego. I AM DOING A PUBLIC SERVICE.
- There were two – TWO OUT OF 48 – things in this list that were actual things that I approved of. Comment on other people’s blogs and get your own domain on WordPress. Commenting on other people’s blogs is fun because you get to be funny in someone else’s living room, and WordPress is the best, and also having your own domain makes you feel like Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. It’s also easier to tell people to look for “lucy’s football” than “lucy’s football at WordPress.” The first way is only affected; the second way is affected AND toolbaggy.
Well! Now that we’ve finished up here, it’s obvious to see that this blog is about to turn over a new, insole-related leaf. DR. SCHOLL’S for EVERYONE. Shit, I know NOTHING about insoles. Or fly fishing. This commitment sucks.