They’ve given you a number, and taken away your name

First, before the day’s fun begins, I can finally stop cockteasing and flat-out whore out the new website that three of my friends and I have come up with. It’s absolutely geektastic, and if you want more of me, you’ll find it there. Well, not MORE. I mean, I’m not STRIPTEASING. ADDITIONAL me. Writing-wise. The most recent post from me is about identifying what type of crazy you’re faced with in situations where you might be faced with a crazy. You know, as you are, more often than you’d like. There are also posts from my co-conspirators about Batman-love, zombie-preparedness, and not wanting to procreate. I give it my highest stamp of approval. Well, of course I do. Because I am one of the founders. But I don’t usually pimp out things I don’t approve of. What kind of an asshole would do that? So go, go, go! And I hope you love it. And comment if you feel like it! We love comments. They make us all tingly and that’s nice. Who doesn’t like to tingle? You can also get us via RSS feed, so all of our awesomeness will be delivered to you as we publish, and isn’t that handy? Sure it is! And we have a Facebook page, and a Twitter feed, and a Google Plus page. WE ARE NOT FOOLING AROUND SLAPPY.

Also, we got an email this morning that warned us that, as part of the IT audit, the auditor might be coming around to our desks or calling us and attempting to get us to give him our password. If we give him our password, we fail the test, I guess. Well! This is totally black-ops, right? So I was imagining this guy would come in with a fake moustache and a fedora and a trenchcoat and he would come to our desks, sidle up all, “Psst, Bluebird, the dove is in the nest,” and then I’d just hand over my password – I mean, how could you not, with spygames such as that – but when he got here, he was just a short guy with glasses and a button-down shirt and a Member’s Only jacket, and that was a total disappointment. I’m not giving my password to someone who looks like that. If you’re going to try to fool me into handing over state secrets, you have to wear a COSTUME. You’re not messing with your average office employee, here, buddy. I work at a THEATER. I know the power of a good costume. And dressing like a regular guy isn’t going to trick me, nosiree! I want you to dress like a GUMSHOE or I am NOT TELLING YOU SHIT.

I also have been attempting to get my coworkers to tell me their passwords and pretending to be part of the audit to see if I can trick them. Mostly they’re just confused why I’m doing it, and so far I’ve gotten NO PASSWORDS. So I fail as an IT auditor. Which sucks, because I totally had it planned as my next job. Because from what I can tell, the guy gets to wear normal clothes, gets a conference room all to himself all day, we bought him a delicious turkey sub, he’s blocking all the fun websites on and off all day so when I try to log onto Facebook at 10am, I get a BLOCKED BLOCKED BLOCKED error and then at 11am it’s all well and that is OFF-PUTTING, and he gets to play real-life Spy vs. Spy FOR A LIVING. This would be AWESOME. I would be the BEST at this, right? I would wear some sort of slinky red dress, because that’s what female spies wear. Like, I think that’s the rule. I think you have to be a lounge singer-type person. And also probably I would have a cigarette in a long cigarette holder. That seems like a spy thing to have. And a Russian accent. And how could anyone resist giving me all the passwords, I ask you? They could not. I mean, it would be so obvious how much work I’d put into the whole gig they’d totally hand over the passwords. Then I’d be all “HA HA! You have FAILED THE AUDIT! Also I’m not even Russian. BURN!” They would be SO SHOCKED. It would be the best. But APPARENTLY, due to either my lack of skills, or lack of slinky red dress, no one in my office is fooled, and I am passwordless at the moment. I haven’t given up, though. Right now, I’m haggling with my favorite co-worker about what it would take to have her give over her password. It seems the answer is a big cup of coffee, so that seems simple enough. BEST IT AUDITOR EVER.

Also, if I’m a spy, I think I get to have Chuck as a sidekick? Right? That’s the rule? AWESOME. I totally dig that scenario. Also, do I get Casey? Because I’m good with both of them. I mean, TV has never led me astray with how things work in real life before, so I’m pretty sure that’s how this will work in real life. BEST NEW JOB PLAN EVER.

Shit, though, I think I have to know something about IT. This could be a problem. Because my knowledge of IT is the following:

  1. Is it on?
  2. If it’s on, do you have an error message of some sort? If so, read it. Does it contain instructions on how to fix the problem? Have you even attempted to follow the instructions? Why are you so helpless?
  3. OK, so you tried to follow the instructions, and they didn’t work. Turn off the computer. Then turn it back on. Is the problem corrected?
  4. It isn’t. Well, this IS perplexing. Can you get online and do a Google search for what’s going on and see if anyone else had the same problem and how they solved it?
  5. That didn’t work either? Christ on a cracker. OK, I’m going to just start banging on random keys now. No, I DON’T actually think that will solve anything, but it does help relieve a little tension. Banging on things often does.

So my IT spy career is a little dead in the water. There has to be something else I can do with my extraordinary spy knowledge. OH I TOTALLY HAVE IT. I want to be a secret shopper. I WOULD BE SO GOOD AT THAT. I mean, I think most of those secret shopper things are total scams akin to the “you just won a zillion dollars in the Zimbabwe lottery” or whatever, but some aren’t. And how hard would I rock being a secret shopper? THE HARDEST, is the answer. And I’m pretty sure I could still wear my spy dress and talk in a Russian accent. They wouldn’t care.

As a secret shopper, they give you a list of things to shop for, and then you buy them, and report on the store, and the shopping experience. Total spy job. And then you get reimbursed for the goods, and you get to keep the goods, PLUS you get paid for the job. BEST GIG EVER. I would totally be good at this. Do you think you get to be an obnoxious shopper to test their tolerance level for rude customers? Because that’s something I think should be tested. If they can keep their cool when a customer is all “This was SUPPOSED to be on SALE and it wasn’t” and the cashier responds “That sale ended a week ago” and the customer yells “I’ll have your JOB for this! MANAGER MANAGER!” then I think they could keep their cool when I whip out like four coupons and not sigh as if I just murdered a puppy in front of them and ate its still-beating puppy heart. And? I totally love shopping. I would be the best at it. THE BEST YO. Spy-shopping would be even BETTER than regular shopping. I think I’d have to get sunglasses. Like Olsen-twin style sunglasses, though. Like a fancy lady. Real shoppers wear those. And then I could swan around all “I wonder where the STEMWARE is, I am TOTALLY SHOPPING FOR REALSIES” and no one would suspect a THING. This is SUCH A GOOD PLAN. I have already FORGOTTEN about my IT spy plan because it was not even CLOSE to a good plan.

OK, research tells me that a secret shopper makes, on average, about $500 a year. A YEAR. That is NOT VERY MUCH MONEY. I don’t even think I could afford the very swanky sunglasses I was planning on for $500. This is VERY DISTRESSING. Also, one article I read said that sometimes secret shoppers have to eat at Wendy’s. I really don’t like Wendy’s. I don’t want to eat there. What if they tell me I have to try the chili? I couldn’t eat chili. I would not be good at this at all. All I like at Wendy’s are the Frostys, and I’m pretty sure they don’t need a secret shopper to tell them how awesome their Frostys are. THIS IS REALLY A LETDOWN.

So far, I have flamed out as an IT spy and a shopping spy. I am at a loss. What kind of spy can I be NOW? What? A REAL spy? Oh, awesome, that is a totally good idea. Because spy paraphanalia is the BEST. I want a pen that is really a GUN! And glasses that are really a…GUN! And a key that’s really a…shit, I don’t know, BOMB! And a credit card that is really a…well, actually, a credit card that just actually had money on it would be really good, so I’m good with the credit card being just a credit card. Things are usually other things that are weapons, I think is the theme. Whatever it is, IT IS AWESOME. I love when things are secretly other things. It’s the cutest, and also the most functional.

Except I think you have to be willing to travel a lot? And shoot people? And I hate traveling, because I get jet lagged and then I can’t sleep for like days and then I get really soupy and incoherent and I think people would be able to tell I was a spy. And also, although I am totally kickass with guns and can of course shoot them very well, I don’t want to shoot PEOPLE with them. I’d start thinking, “Even though this person is an international crimelord, he probably has a mom? Who loves him so much and made those little ink-prints of his baby feet when he was an infant? And what if he has a cat. WHO WILL FEED HIS CAT WHEN I SHOOT OFF HIS FACE. His minions? Minions would NEVER feed a cat of a dead crimelord, NEVER. Once the crimelord is dead, they just move onto the NEXT crimelord, and then that cat would STARVE. And then I’d have a weeping mom and a dead cat on my conscience.” And, of course, in the time that it took me to get all emotional about sad mommies and dead kitties, the crimelord would have cut off my ears and made me eat them, so I don’t think I could be a real spy. Also a lot of times in spy movies they have to dangle from things, like helicopters? That seems really stressful. NO THANK YOU. AND! And, I did a spy name generator thing? And it said my name would be Uma Starlight. Really? That seems like it would just get me killed IMMEDIATELY. That is not a good spy name at all. I’m pretty sure my spy name has to have a slang term for female genitalia in it, doesn’t it? Otherwise you’re not fooling anyone. And also not trying hard enough. I mean, come ON.

Fine. I’m going to stay where I am for now. But I would totally entertain other ideas that involve me spying, if you have any. As long as I don’t have to travel, dangle, kill, eat chili, live on subsistence wages, or make a broken computer work, I AM COMPLETELY DOWN WITH IT.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

7 responses to “They’ve given you a number, and taken away your name

  • Lisa

    I frequently think I’d like to be a spy but then I remember I don’t like doing anything strenuous and just take a nap instead… You could be a dream spy. Fall asleep and spy on other people’s dreams… Screw it, if you work out how to do that can you employ me please? Sleeping for a living happens to be what I find myself best at.


  • CMTomaso

    How does that work as an audit? “We’re trying to determine if we have a security problem so we will be trying to trick you. Keep an eye out.” Talk about stacking the deck against the auditor.

    I’m sure they didn’t tell him they did that either. He probably keeps going home and crying about how bad he is at his job. Poor bastard.


  • lgalaviz

    Did they torture you? They should have at least tried to torture you.


  • renni

    The spy I’m most like to be? Secret Squirrel.


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