Figments! Like puffs of hot air from the lips of a ghost in the shadow of a unicorn’s dream!

Lots to discuss today, friends, Romans, countrymen, journeymen, pianomen, Spidermen. My brain is on OVERDRIVE. Like the highway to the danger zone over here. Zoom.

Help your fellow man. No, really. HELP HIM. It’s the nice thing to do. And not at all pervy.

So this happened here last weekend.

You clicked, right? Probably you didn’t. Because you’re used to me recapping. FINE. I mean, I already started the precedent. I can’t stop now. It would be so confusing to everyone.

SO, to recap, last month, on Lark Street (which is pretty! There are cobblestones!) a guy went into a shop, exposed himself, began pleasuring himself (and this all happened at 11am, which, listen, give the guy a hand – NO PUN INTENDED HA – that totally shows initiative. I mean, he had to get up and get going and dressed and go on over to Lark and get his motor all revvy! By 11am! IMPRESSIVE!) and then – my favorite – asked a female customer if she could “help him out.”

What exactly is your response in this situation? I mean, I know what his ANTICIPATED response is. Apparently, he thought he was living in a porno, where the women are down with things like these and the pizza delivery men and plumbers all get set upon by voracious housewives having negligee-clad pillow fights, or whatever, and that the customer was going to be all, “YES I WOULD LOVE TO.” But obviously, this did not happen. Because we live in the real world where things like this are not accepted. So what do you do, if you’re the woman? I mean, I can tell you right now what I would do. Either laugh like a moron and look for the hidden camera or stop and have a conversation with him all, “Really? REALLY? You got up today and thought THIS was a good use of both your AND my time? That is sad. SO SAD. Please. You need some sort of mental health treatment. This is just about the unsexiest thing I can think of and once I hooked up with someone under a dorm room BED and there were ALL THE DUSTBUNNIES so my standards are LOW, dude. PUT THAT AWAY.”

So! That happened, in October. Then, what happens this weekend?

THE SAME THING. Only this time, instead of doing it somewhere where, I guess, he MIGHT have had a positive response (a head shop, I mean, probably not, but MAYBE, anything might happen, also, maybe he misunderstood what happens in a head shop? ANYTHING MIGHT HAPPEN) he went into a FLOWER SHOP. On the same street. A flower shop! Who in a flower shop is going to go for this proposition?  “La la la OH NO NO THAT IS SO NOT A TIGERLILY.” The answer? No one. Because he got arrested again. Where? Standing outside of the flower shop. He didn’t even try to run or hide or anything! I feel kind of sad for him. Like, Lark Street is his HOME! Which I understand because I really kind of love Lark Street. It’s one of my favorite things about Albany. But stop jacking off there and asking for help with it, dude. You don’t do that in your home. RUDE.

Oh, and also, the article goes on to say that he’s also got a case pending for stealing $2,600 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets from his last job. Maybe they were gifts for whoever took him up on the offer of assisting him? STOP TRYING TO COCKBLOCK HIM FORMER EMPLOYER. It is totally hard out here for a pimp. THERE IS A SONG THAT SAYS SO. I heard it on the Oscars one time.

I don’t need to know which dracula I am to be a dracula. Nerd.

So at this point anyone who knows or cares about things that are awesome knows that NBC pulled Community from its mid-season schedule. Thursday night from 8-10pm (Eastern – I don’t know what time these things air where you live, sorry I’m not all politically correct with the time of NBC’s television schedule, FREEBIRD YEAH) will soon be Parks and Rec (yay!) The Office (mid-sized getting-weary-of-it-kinda yay!) 30 Rock (yay!) and Up All Night (couldn’t get into it, but it’s better than the shitstorm that is Whitney; besides, what would I do without one show in the Thursday night NBC comedy block that I can do my dishes, pet the cats, and text my friends through?) So yeah. We’ve totally been Brita’d. This reference will make all three of you who watch the show laugh. The rest of you are the reason it’s not coming back and therefore are DEAD TO ME.

NBC is saying that they haven’t made any official decision whether or not to cancel Community, but let’s be honest; it’s not doing well in the ratings, and other shows are doing better. It’s in the best interest of NBC to cancel the show.

I’m not saying they SHOULD cancel the show. I totally spiraled into a depression pit last night when I heard the news and would have completely eaten a tube of chocolate chip cookie dough had I had such a thing in my house. So it was probably best that I didn’t, because that wouldn’t have ended well for anyone, now would it. I mean, what good has ever come from eating an entire tube of store-brand chocolate chip cookie dough because one of your favorite shows was put on some sort of weird “indefinite hiatus” which sounds like what a bad boyfriend would tell you when he wanted to bone the hot chick who just moved in upstairs and was really into walking around in fire-engine red matching bra-and-panty sets in front of curtainless windows? None. The answer to that long-and-drawn-out roundabout question is none.

There are a lot of petitions going around and people want you to tweet NBC with #savegreendale hashtags and that’s all so optimistic that you just want to squish people’s cheeks and I’d really like to think it would make a difference, but I was involved in attempting to get Veronica Mars a fourth season and that did not end well and I refuse to get my heart crushed again DO YOU HEAR ME NBC.

It’s not doing well in the ratings. The only way to fix that is to get in your Delorean and go to all of your friends’ houses for the past couple of years and tune their television sets to Community on Thursdays so the Neilson people would think more people were watching it and therefore this situation would not be happening right now. But you know what happens when you step on a butterfly in the past, so probably also we’d all be slaves to robot masters who now control the Earth, and therefore wouldn’t have the free time to even WATCH Community even if we wanted to and it wasn’t cancelled, and the actors would all have been replaced by robot people anyway, so really it would be futile no matter what we do.

So what’s the answer? Hope they allow the rest of the season to air, somehow, and then be happy for the seasons we did get, I think. I know. That sounds like giving up. But we’re adults. And here, I’ll tell you a secret. SOMETIMES THINGS TOTALLY SUCK. Sorry. Is it depressing? Yes. Did you not READ about how it made me want to eat all the cookie dough? But shows get cancelled. Even good ones. I mean, I’m sure someone was probably wanting to throw themselves off something tall when they heard that How to Be a Gentleman got the boot. Diff’rent strokes, am I right? Get the DVDs, watch them, be sad, then watch something else, because there are still good shows on that need the ratings before they become the next casualty in the “shitty ratings GOTTA GO! More CSIs to put on the air!” game. I recommend Parks and Rec. Similar tone, not the best ratings. Community may not stand a chance, but Parks and Rec still does.

Hell, there are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something

So I was having a discussion with someone yesterday about rules. Apparently, it is totally frowned upon to want to blind someone with a pencil when they present you with rules? Really? Is THAT a rule? If so, the whole thing is an endless cycle of pencil-blinding and pancreas-kicking and that would really get quite tiresome.

I mean, does anyone like all the rules being put on them? I know I’m a little more anti-rules than the next guy, but I come by it genetically. I come from a long lineage of people who hate THE MAN. We don’t DO anything about it, per se, but HOO BOY do we hate THE MAN. And we’re totally insubordinate about it. We’re all eye-rolly and we may do what they tell us we have to, if we can’t find a way around it, but we do it ON OUR OWN TERMS. Like, if someone tells us to get a job done by 4, we get it done by 3:47 and slam a lot of things around to show we’re not pleased with THE MAN. I don’t know. I think we’re just really cranky assholes, to tell you the truth.

But here. In my ongoing quest for you to understand me better. My rules about rules.

  1. I will follow the rules if they are in my best interest and they keep me safe from harm.
  2. I will follow the rules if they are within the rights of the person making them to ask them of me. For example, “don’t touch the glass” in a museum or aquarium – a rule I can stand by. Because this rule covers #1 and #2. It’s their museum, and it keeps the fish and/or art safe. And also only douchebags break those rules, and I am totally anti-douchebag.
  3. I will follow the rules, even if stupid, if I’m going to get fired if I don’t, but I’m not going to like it, and I’m going to roll my eyes a lot when you’re not looking at me. It’s a shitty economy. We all have to do what we have to do.
  4. I will roll my eyes the hardest at rules made for the sake of making rules, or rules made in order to show dominance, like a baboon presenting its gigantic blue ass. We get it. You’re a bigwig. Exciting.
  5. I will not follow the rules if I find them sexist, patriarchal, or infringing on my rights, unless I have no other choice, as in #3, or I’m doing it against some better good, like putting up with the weirdo advances of someone who’s very connected in my community because if I don’t, the repercussions will be grave, but if it gets too much, listen, all bets are off. I totally have personal space issues, chumley.
  6. I will not stand idly by while you stomp on the rights of someone else who is either incapable or too afraid to stand up for themselves when it is in my power to help them. I am not afraid of being seen as a bitch, because I AM a bitch, and everyone KNOWS I’m a bitch. Like, they CALL me a bitch. To my FACE. And I take it as a COMPLIMENT. That is how CONFIDENT I am in it. And if you’re pushing around a teenager or something who’s too afraid to say anything because they’re not confident in themselves because they’re just a kid, I’m going to probably get in your face. Do you know why? Because someone should have stood up for little Amy when she was a kid, and no one did. So I’m retroactively fixing it as best I can whenever it presents itself to me.
  7. Sorry. That got off topic a little. Rant over.
  8. I will make rules, and then break rules, and then randomly change my mind, and then follow one rule until I die even if I know it’s stupid, because I have ADD mixed with a weird sort of bulldog-like tenacity. I don’t know either.

There. I know. You simultaneously are impressed AND distressed. I get that a lot.

Happy Tuesday, mes petits muffins de myrtille! What, it’s totally sexier than calling you my little blueberry muffins, isn’t it? …and now I want a blueberry muffin. Dammit.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

10 responses to “Figments! Like puffs of hot air from the lips of a ghost in the shadow of a unicorn’s dream!

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