OK, I have to be quick today. I AM A VERY BUSY LADY. That’s a total lie. I mean, the lady part. NO, of COURSE I have lady parts. You really confuse easily. This is worrisome, right? You might want to get this looked into.
The hilarious LGalaviz has moved over to WordPress. This is cause for rejoicing, people! Because she was on Blogger which sucks like an Electrolux! Does anyone say that anymore? I doubt it. Because who even knows what an Electrolux even is? Listen, I don’t hear rejoicing. WHY AREN’T YOU REJOICING. OK, first you doubted that I had a uterus and now you refuse to rejoice. Are you just a bunch of robot people all clinking and clanking around or what the hell is wrong with you?
If you aren’t reading her blog, you are missing out on the awesome, and I will give you a moment to collect yourselves, read, and come back. No, seriously, come back. I know. She’s like leaps and bounds funnier than I am, and also she has consistent graphics and, more importantly, she sticks to a point, which is awesome. She does not ramble like I do. And she’s following blogging RULES now, you guys. RULES. This is impressive because the minute anyone says rules I want to stick a freshly-sharpened pencil in their eye and kick them with a steel-toed Doc Marten? I know. I kind of overreact when rules are mentioned. Sorry.
Anyway, I did have a point, which I am eventually getting around to. It is this: recently, she blogged about how to be funny on Twitter. And that is awesome, and well-needed advice. And because today is Sunday and I am a very busy lady (I AM A LADY DO I HAVE TO SHOW YOU MY TITS WHAT THE HELL) (what do you mean a lady would never offer to show her tits to strangers, that’s really judgey of you, you don’t know what all ladies everywhere would do ever, what are you, omniscient?) with much busy-ness happening, I’m kind of going to steal from her, but also out of LOVE. And RESPECT. Listen, I read those “how to blog” things, too. And they ALWAYS SAY read other people’s blog for inspiration. Well! I WAS INSPIRED.
Now! I love Twitter. I always thought Twitter was just the stupidest? Until I signed up, and made friends, and realized it is just about the best thing since best things? And now when people say “TWITTER? Ugh, who CARES” and make that face like they’re biting into a lemon I want to punch them in the pancreas, because they either a., never tried it, or b., have tried it, no one followed them, and they gave up, or c., they were doing it wrong.
Also, Twitter is an awesome resource for things other than chatting, like finding out breaking news (no, I’m completely serious, I’ve found out the last three major news stories on Twitter because Twitter knows them before anyone else), weather-related things, and having intelligent discussions with strangers about things like books or movies that no one you know has seen or read because you are a gigantic geek and everyone stays away from you but NOT ON TWITTER NO NO NO.
But listen, you don’t need to know how to be funny on Twitter, because you can just click up there, right? And like I said, her blog is better than mine. With rules and photoshopped imaginary tee shirts and such. So I thought, I KNOW WHAT NICHE NEEDS TO BE FILLED. That’s what she said.
How not to be an asshat on Twitter
- Stop spamming the shit out of me once I follow you and you looked like a normal human being until I clicked follow and then all I see in my timeline is a million #FFs and it’s Saturday for the love of Pete. Why so crazy? Listen, YOU SEEMED NICE. So I followed you. Because I have nothing against following people that seem normal and not like bots! I don’t have a protected account because Twitter is my anti-Facebook. I protect the hell out of my Facebook. Twitter is where I’m a nudist. So yeah, sure, I followed you. Then you started merrily spamming the hell out of my feed all “have a great day” and “#ff” and “#FS” and “#supersunday” and THAT IS ANNOYING. I have REAL TWEETS COMING IN. Bye. Blocked. Jesus. Oh, speaking of Jesus? We had auditions this week, and there was a line in the play which was, “They’re your friends. Jesus.” Where the character was upset with her husband about his friends and the party she was dragged to. Only a few of the auditioners said it like, “They’re your friends, Jesus.” Like they were TALKING to Jesus. Like they were having an ARGUMENT with Jesus. Like Jesus, pre-last-supper, had trashed the place and was having an argument about who should tell the apostles they had to clean up. “I don’t want to tell them. You tell them, Mary Magdalene.” “No. That’s not my job. They’re YOUR FRIENDS, Jesus.” Sometimes I have such a hard time keeping a straight face during auditions, I can’t even tell you. And I’m in charge of the damn things! I have a little chair! In FRONT of everyone! Where I OVERSEE! So if I’m cracking up, it is TOTALLY OBVIOUS!
- Don’t RT everything that comes your way because it’s like the boy who cried wolf, people are going to stop paying attention to you. I mean, once, twice, three, four, hell, five or six or seven times a day? I don’t care. That’s fine. Or if you’re really jazzed about something! Retweet it! But constant retweets? Like I told a friend this week, this makes you like the magpie of retweets and you’re all hoarding shiny things. STOP IT. Come up with some original content. Tweetcaster, which I use on my phone, has the option of zipping retweets if someone is getting really obnoxious with them. I’M TOTALLY GOING TO START WIELDING THAT YO.
- Be aware that if you have a conversation with someone, it’s visible to everyone you both mutually follow, and also anyone who clicks on your profile, so if you’re calling them names, everyone can see that, which I suppose is fine if you don’t mind everyone knowing your personal business, but if you thought it was private you’re doing Twitter wrong. Then the erasing of tweets and the “I was drunk” or whatever starts and that is just embarrassing. I mean, if you accidentally tweeted something like “aoiouipsdf” it might be a mistake, like you sat on the keyboard or your cat jumped on it or something, but it takes work and care to craft an actual response, and no one believes it was in error. Be careful, my little brussels sprouts.
- Don’t chime in on something when you have eleventy billion followers and then not know the facts and then look like you’re BFFs with a child molester enabler, ASHTON KUTCHER. I don’t want to get in on the Penn State thing – it is none of your business how I feel about it and it is none of my business to get involved – but hey! Kutcher! HOW DID IT ESCAPE YOU THAT IT WAS HAPPENING. Seriously? That’s like walking outside without pants on. Oh. Wait. It’s Kutcher. I think he probably does that regularly. No, actually, I take that back? I think the dumbness is a total act for Kutcher. The guy’s savvy and pretty intelligent. So was it a lie, and he thought that his massive Twitter following wouldn’t get all up-in-arms that he was pro that coach who got fired, no matter what he may or may not have covered up by omission or whatever? Or was he really so far out of the loop he really hadn’t heard the story? I don’t care. Just saying. BE CAREFUL IF YOU HAVE ELEVENTY BILLION FOLLOWERS.
- Don’t tweet constantly about really, really stupid things. Like “I am listening to a song” and then “I am listening to a song” and then “I am listening to a song.” Because “I am bored out of my effing mind right now.” I’m not saying everything you tweet has to be scintillating. Because it doesn’t. I mean, it’s Twitter. We tweet about minutiae all the time. But repetitive boringness is SO BORING. Stop. Just stop.
- Don’t try to sell things all the time. I mean, I don’t mind if you have an Etsy shop and once in a while you link to it, or if you have a friend who’s raising money for a marathon for blind war orphans, or whatever, but if you are constantly having, oh, I don’t know, Tupperware parties, or something, probably I don’t want to know about that. Also, do people still sell Tupperware? Once when I was a kid I went to a Tupperware party with my mom and I won a colander and what the hell was I going to do with a colander? But my mom wanted the colander so she traded me for a 64-pack of Crayolas and a coloring book. I WON. Although now that I’m in my mid-thirties I totally want that colander back. I wonder if she’d consider reversing the trade.
- Spellcheck. Grammarcheck. I mean, we all typo once in a while, but seriously, every single time? It is embarrassing. I feel like maybe your kid is really the one on Twitter.
- Don’t constantly tweet famous people as if they are your friends. Once and a while to tell them congrats on something, or to answer one of their questions? Sure. “Hey @rainnwilson you were super hot on The Office this week I like your glasses LOL at you” probably just means you’re soft in your head and also a starfucker.
- Similarly, STOP CONSTANTLY TWEETING CELEBRITIES FOR A RETWEET. I don’t get this AT ALL. Does your life worth hinge on a celebrity retweet? This makes me super-sad. What do you do, print and frame it? STOP IT. I’m not saying that the couple of times that famous people have talked to me I didn’t almost fall out of my office chair. I won’t name drop but recently a very famous person not only talked to me, he STARTED FOLLOWING ME. And this made me so happy I seriously almost died and then did die and then reanimated just to die again. BUT I PUT ON MY BIG GIRL PANTS AND SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Did I squee about it quietly to exactly three people, none of which who care much about Twitter and were all “that’s so nice?” Yes. That is all. Also, I didn’t immediately say “HEY CAN I GET A RT” to him. Or RT what he said to me. Because, GROWNUP. Also, LADY. YES, FINE, not a lady. WOMAN, then. Whatever. I still have a uterus. A KICKASS UTERUS.
- Trolling people is not funny. If I say something and you do a Twitter search and then you find what I said and tweet at me that you’re going to kill me because I don’t have the same political beliefs as you, you’re probably on the edge of insanity. Just saying. And also super-sad.
There. Now you know how to be FUNNY on Twitter, and you know how to not be an ASSHAT on Twitter. These are IMPORTANT SKILLS. I’m pretty sure you owe LGalaviz and I some sort of favor and/or reward. Like possibly money, but we’d probably also take goods. Or gift cards.
And, since you have these skills, and if you follow either of us on Twitter, if we see you acting not-funny or douchecanoey, we’re going to probably throw hammers at you. It’s within our rights as very famous WordPress bloggers. What? It totally is. There’s a contract and everything. NO YOU CAN’T SEE OUR CONTRACTS. That’s like a very private legal document. RUDE.