The question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence.

I decided today, what better day, since the office caught on fire because of a toaster oven and I COULD HAVE DIED, to take a shit-ton of personality quizzes to figure my brain out. BECAUSE THE INTERNET IS NEVER WRONG. And did I mention I could have died? Totally could have. Moment of silence, please. What do you mean that’s only when someone really dies. Shut your face. MY INNOCENCE DIED TODAY.

First, let’s check in with TweetPsych. I haven’t checked in a while. What does TweetPsych say is up with my mental state, based on my recent tweets, I wonder?

Well! Apparently, I am obsessed with sex and myself the most. I am single and have NEEDS, TweetPsych. I mean, damn. AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

And apparently, I don’t tweet half again as much about education or work as I should, which means I am an unemployed moron? Thanks, Tweetpsych!

But, in better news, I am completely average and normal about time and positive thinking. Um. I don’t – ok. Those are confusing, and I don’t really know what they mean, but in my experience, I’ve always left the psychologist’s office more confused than I went in, so this is par for the course. You go, TweetPsych!

And then, because my mind is an easily distracted place (I decided the other day that it’s a lot like the end – SPOILER ALERT – of The Usual Suspects, where you find out how Kevin Spacey came up with his story using objects found in the office? That’s how I go about my day. “I should type up this report OH LOOK someone left this on my desk start that OH MY I need some lip gloss my lips hurt real bad hee hee Napoleon Dynamite awesome WHY DON’T I GO GET SOME LEMONADE FROM THE KITCHEN I am totally the thirstiest just thinking about that damn you delicious lemonade this filing isn’t going to do itself I haven’t changed this calendar page in like a MONTH what are the cats of the day doing right now ooooh I should water my plant) I thought, you know what everyone’s always talking about all the time? Your carbon footprint. I should see if the internet can tell me what my carbon footprint is.

Well, of COURSE the internet can tell you that!

According to this site, which is kind of totally crunch-granola-ey, and I had to answer a LOT of questions yo, if everyone lived their lives as AWESOMELY as I live mine, we would need, are you ready for this? – 7.77 earths. What? 7.77 earths? I find this a little hard to believe. So I looked at their statistics and such and apparently they HATE MEAT. They want me to stop eating meat. This was why we need so many earths. Because I’m below average on the other three things – carbon (because I can’t afford to vacation or drive anywhere, THANKS BIG OIL), housing (because I live in a teeny apartment, THANKS SHITTY PAYCHECK), and goods and services (because I can’t afford anything expensive so I use what I have until it turns into rags in my fingers AGAIN THANKS, SHITTY PAYCHECK) – but then you look at the last bar on the bar graph (yes, there’s even a bar graph, this website is NOT SCREWING AROUND) and I am OFF THE CHARTS when it comes to food. And I can only assume this is because I answered the questions about “how often do you eat a vegetarian meal” and “how often do you garden in your organic garden” with “not in this lifetime, I’m eating bacon with a side of bacon and picking my teeth with a bacon toothpick as I fill out this quiz” and “I don’t have a yard.”

We’re not supposed to eat meat? I wasn’t aware of this. Listen, I kind of hate veggies, I’ve made that abundantly clear. Like, to the point that I would probably have scurvy, arr, if I didn’t take vitamin supplements. I’m very caveman about my food preferences. So when the earth goes down in a fiery ball, it is TOTALLY ALL MY FAULT YOU GUYS I AM SO SORRY. But meat is DELICIOUS. Also, where am I supposed to garden, on my porch that’s so small I can barely stand on it? I thought about that but it seemed like more work than I could handle and I got busy and distracted by other things.

So then I thought, I’m kind of getting worked up about this meat situation, so probably I have some sort of personality disorder WHAT DO I HAVE.

This test covers TEN TYPES OF CRAY-CRAY. This is very all-inclusive! That’s good, because listen, I don’t have all day.

So, I took this test and here’s what’s up.

Let’s start with the good news.

I am most likely probably not, according to this test:

Narcissistic. Well, I’d tend to agree with that. Didn’t Narcissus stare at his reflection all day and think he was just the hottest? I don’t think I’m the hottest at all. I mean, if I could stare at my brain, I might do that, because I really admire my brain. But that would probably kill me so I don’t think I’ll try, you know, what with the opening up of my skull and all. Good job, test. You have figured out I think I’m not hot.

OK, fine, the TEST says this “individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.” That’s nice! I’m not those things? I’m kind of some of those things. I fooled you, test!

Dependent. I’m totally not dependent, because I hate people! Good. This test is SMART.

According to the test, a dependent “individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.” This is CORRECT. I am NOT THIS. I WANT to be separated. Separate me, please. It’s hard to watch television with people around. They’re always talking over the good parts. Also, “clinging?” Ugh. That implies TOUCHING. No, thanks. TweetPsych knows what’s up and that I can totally do that on my own.

Obsessive-Compulsive. I knew someone like this in college. When we went down stairs in the stairwells, he had to touch the posts twice every time or he thought the building would collapse. I totally picked on him about it. I feel kind of bad about that now and probably that’s why he never wanted to be my boyfriend.

Test says that this “individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.” Ha! No. No, I mean, I like things to be not covered in filth, but my house is a mess of works in progress, like, here are the coupons I am clipping, and here is a pile of magazines I am working on, and here is a list of ideas for things I want to do someday, and here is all the nailpolish. So I’m like a small-scale hoarder. Not today, obsessive-compulsive disorder. Not today.

Antisocial. Um. Test? It’s like you never met me at all. How did I fool you into thinking I wasn’t antisocial? I AM TOTALLY A HERMIT, TEST.

Oh, ok, nevermind, in test world, antisocial doesn’t mean you want to take out the mall with an Uzi, it means the “individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.” I totally champion the rights of others, as long as the rights of others don’t violate my own rights. Keep your rights out of the personal zone of my rights and we’re good. So I guess I’m not CLINICALLY antisocial, just bitter and cranky. THANK YOU TEST.

Things I am on the borderline of being, according to this test:

Paranoid: I’d think I would have tested higher. I always think someone’s out to get me. I’m pretty sure they’re watching me RIGHT NOW you guys with their EYES.

The test says if I have this, I “interpret the actions of others as threatening.” Well, not ALL their actions. Just MOST of them. I guess that’s why I didn’t test higher.

Schizoid: Well, this is troubling. Is this like Sybil? AM I LIKE SYBIL? I mean, it might be NICE to have multiple personalities, because then you’d have ALL THE FRIENDS, but I don’t think this is the case. Let’s see what the test says about this.

“Individual is generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.”

That is NOTHING LIKE SYBIL. What the hell, test. And if this is the definition, then YES I AM THIS. And I should have scored higher.

Schizotypal: What about this? This must be the Sybil one, right?


“Individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.”

This is kind of mean and I think makes me look like a huge weird weirdo. I am not uncomfortable in close relationships, I just have trouble making them, but once I’m there, I’m good. And doesn’t everyone have distortions in perception, I mean, compared to what? Everyone else? And everyone thinks everyone else is peculiar. This one is a hot mess and I refuse to acknowledge it.

Things this test thinks I most definitely have:

Borderline Personality Disorder: Uh-oh. This can’t be good. Madonna sang about the borderline and I don’t remember anything about that other than it made her feel like she was going to lose her MIND. Her damn MIND, yo.

“Individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.”

Um…I guess? Some? I don’t know. I’m pretty stable with the relationships I have; I have had the same self-image for years, so I don’t think that would be categorized as unstable, and I’m not all that impulsive. I’m totally emotional, though. Not going to lie about that. I blame Hallmark commercials. Oh, and coffee commercials. Why are they so SAD?

Avoidant Personality Disorder: Well, I do avoid things. Let’s get to it, test.

“Individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism.”


Seriously, give this test to, I don’t know, fifty artists, writers, and actors, and if at least 45 of them don’t get this result, I will eat an entire bag of potting soil with a teaspoon. We act like we’re having a good time and all, but inside, we’re this. I mean, I’m not saying it’s an invalid diagnosis, just saying, so? And, your point is? And, I’m in good company.

Histrionic Personality Disorder: I don’t know, this one is the most worrisome, because this makes me think my theater people are rubbing off on me.

“Individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.”

Again, YES, I am totally emotional. Apparently this is SUCH A BAD THING ZOMG. I think it’s ENDEARING and it SHOWS I CARE ABOUT THINGS. Attention-seeking? Sometimes. I guess. Depends on my mood and how good my hair looks and if I have a good story or not that day. Overreact? Again, depends. Are you being a jackhole? Then you deserve a reaction, and it’s not an OVERreaction, now, is it? Shallow and self-centered. Well, I’ll own up to the self-centered. My world revolves around me. But I’m pretty sure, if you were brave/arrogant/an asshole enough to admit it, you think your world revolves around you, too. I mean, we wake up with, spend the day with, and go to sleep with ourselves every day. Who else are we supposed to fixate on? It’s not like we can get AWAY from ourselves. Shallow? Nah. I’m a deep sea pool, baby, filled with those blind fish that have adapted to depths such as these. There are depths in here you haven’t even DREAMED of. Not too worried about that one.

So, today has been TOTALLY PRODUCTIVE. What have we learned?

I am a borderline avoidant histrionic who is wasting the world’s resources at unheard-of rates and just wants to go home and touch myself.



(Title from my man Edgar Allan Poe. Please, for the love of all that’s holy, Lloyd Dobler, don’t eff up the movie about him. Thanks.)

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

6 responses to “The question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence.

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    One of my pet peeves, probably the biggest, is the way our culture interchangeably uses “Schizophrenic” and “Multiple Personality Disorder” (not blaming you; you are the victim here.) To grossly generalize (and sound all smarty pants,) schizophrenia involves delusions (of grandeur and/or persecution, for example) and hallucinations (hearing voices.) Multiple Personality Disorder is what Sybil had, like me, and me. Good luck with your personality disorders!


  • Mandy

    I did the last test, and the only one I tested over 50% was schizoid. Which, according to their definition, is true. I am so sick of people and their inane conversations. Actually, I’m a bit narcissistic too. Because I am so sick of people who talk about things I’m not interested in (thus inane). I just don’t feel like putting forth the effort I guess. Lazy is a quality too. I’m rotten, like the state in Denmark.


  • Mer

    How very “Ryan started the fire” of your office. I got Schizoid followed by a three-way tie between Schizotypal, Avoidant & OCD…


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