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Why should we be fated to do nothing but brood on food?

Happy Monday! Isn’t it just the loveliest of lovelies? I mean, you get up, you’re perky, you’re happy to be ALIVE GODDAMNIT ALL IS WELL!

Sorry. Sorry. Super-sorry. If anyone says “looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays!” I might slap you in the face with a yardstick. The kind with the metal embedded in the edge for added sting. Just a tip.

Anyway, one good thing is, with daylight savings time, it was light out when I woke up this morning, so I don’t feel as much like I’m a farmer, going to work in the dark. However, as the winter progresses, it’s always a joy both going to work AND coming home in the dark, isn’t it? Yep.

Today! We have something near and dear to all of our hearts. Something we all love and all need to survive. It is:

The Lucy’s Football Yippee-Ki-Yay Food Roundup.

Get along little dogies.

I am not married in the least to that title.

TIME TO WASTE THE DOUGHNUTS

On Friday morning, a truck overturned just outside of Binghamton (GO BEARCATS!) and spilled doughnuts all over the highway.

This is such a total and complete travesty I can’t even fathom it.

OK, first, I went to college in Binghamton, and, aside from the Capital Region, my home and most beloved land of all, and New York City, my most favorite place to visit in the world, it is my third favorite place in the whole state. I know what you’re thinking, if you’ve ever been to Binghamton. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. Listen, I know it’s very grey, and rains and snows for like 98% of the year, and kind of depressed and industrial. But some of my favorite memories are in Binghamton; I loved the university, I loved the town and surrounding area; and I really feel a connection to it. So bite me, Binghamton haters. Also, the university mascot is the bearcat. As we’ve mentioned in the past, they smell like popcorn and look, they totally give high-fives.

High-five to you, too, little popcorn-scented friend. High-five to you, too.

So anyway, I love Binghamton. And now I find out that there was a very, very serious doughnut spillage on the highway. This is very upsetting. You can’t just bounce back from that. You can’t recover those doughnuts. Those are GONE. Please, moment of silence for the wasted doughnut goodness. We should probably have some sort of telethon, right? Like, Save the Doughnuts. Because their wives and children are ORPHANS NOW. OH THE HUMANITY.

I’m kind of Homer Simpson when it comes to doughnuts on the highway.

What? Oh, the driver was fine. What’s that? I should have mentioned that sooner? DID YOU NOT HEAR THAT AN ENTIRE TRACTOR TRAILER OF DOUGHNUTS SPILLED ALL OVER A HIGHWAY. You really have no soul, I swear. Someone should probably perform an exorcism on you.

ALSO, IT KIND OF TASTES LIKE LUKEWARM BARBECUED ASS

So last week, people were all up-in-arms because it came out in the news that there was an ingredient in McDonald’s limited-time-only cult-following OH MY GOD IT’S BAAAACK McRib that is more commonly found in yoga mats. From this article:

“But it’s still a little disconcerting to know that, for example, azodicarbonamide, a flour-bleaching agent that is most commonly used in the manufacture of foamed plastics like in gym mats and the soles of shoes, is found in the McRib bun. The compound is banned in Europe and Australia as a food additive. (England’s Health and Safety Executive classified it as a “respiratory sensitizer” that potentially contributes to asthma through occupational exposure.) The U.S. limits azodicarbonamide to 45 parts per million in commercial flour products, based on analysis of lab testing.”

OK, so when I first heard about this, I thought, well, I’m not all that shocked by this, because the McRib is GROSS. I mean, they cover it up with a shit-ton of barbecue sauce, but if you look UNDER the barbecue sauce, it is DISGUSTING and looks like something a DOG HORKED UP. But then I read the article and the bad ingredients are in the bun? The BUN has the ingredient that’s also in yoga mats and shoes. Well, that’s kind of stupid. Because I don’t know, and don’t WANT to know, what’s in my McDonald’s meat. I choose to remain ignorant of that. I’M SERIOUS IF YOU KNOW DON’T TELL ME. But in the bun? Why are there yoga-mat compounds that may or may not cause asthma in my bread? This is foolish. I think you could leave those out, right?

Also, it bears mentioning? I hate beef. Hate. HAAAAAATE. But I love Big Macs? Because the beef patties bear no resemblance to, in taste or texture or likeness, to beef. Which I know should be totally worrisome, but I don’t care I loves me some Big Macs. It’s the special sauce, yo. That is like crack to me. And I know they SAY you can recreate it by buying some Thousand Island dressing but it is NOT THE SAME. Also I like the pickles. They’re cheery and just dill enough. SHUT UP I HAVE THE CULINARY TASTE OF A LONG-HAUL TRUCKER. Also, before you go passing JUDGMENT, Mr. Judgment-Passer, I probably eat about 4 Big Macs a YEAR. Because they’re like death on a bun. BUT SOOOO GOOOOD.

Anyway, the McRib is gross, and also when you eat it, you’re constantly finding little pieces of what I HOPE are gristle but what I’m pretty sure are something much, much more sinister in your mouth. Probably yoga mats. So bear this in mind when you’re all OH MY GOD THE MCRIB IS BACK.

Also, and only a little off-topic, were you aware this existed?

It is the McDonald’s Custard Pie, and it’s only available around the holidays, usually after Thanksgiving until right around New Year’s, and it’s never on the outdoor drivethrough menu, so you have to ask, “Hey, what kind of PIES do you have today?” like you’re at a speakeasy? (The other day I asked that and they had ONE PUMPKIN PIE LEFT. Pumpkin wasn’t even on the menu. WIN!) So that’s like your code-phrase. And they always say “Apple,” and then you wait. And then they’ll either say “Cherry” – then you’re shit out of luck – or they’ll say “Holiday” or “Custard.” (Also, you have to have NO SHAME. Because once they told me “Apple” and stopped there and if I hadn’t said “AND WHAT ELSE” I would NEVER HAVE GOTTEN MY PRECIOUS.) If they say Holiday or Custard, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY GET ONE. Because do you know what it is?

IT IS A FRIED FUNFETTI PIE FILLED WITH CUSTARD.

Is it gross? Yes. Is it also THE BEST THING YOU’VE EVER HAD IN YOUR MOUTH? Well, I don’t know, I don’t know where your mouth has been. But odds are good that it’s up there, my friends. This is my holiday gift to you. If you drop dead of a heart attack, though, I can’t be held accountable for that. I mean, you have to take some responsibility for your own well-being. There’s only so much I can do for you.

THERE’S ANOTHER WORD FOR FORGETTING TO PAY FOR SOMETHING

I didn’t hear about this until today. I’m kind of out of the loop of things. You probably all knew about this, right?

A chick in Hawaii went to the grocery store, was totally hungry, ate a $5 chicken salad sandwich, supposedly “forgot” to pay for it, and she and her husband were arrested for it. Their child was taken by CPS when they were taken into custody.

All is well – Safeway dropped the charges, and they got their daughter back eighteen hours later.

The story, according to Mamma Cass (sandwich! Get it? Because Mamma Cass…and the sandwich…FINE IT’S TOTALLY FUNNY IF YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR) is that she was pregnant, and had to walk to the grocery store, and when she got there, she was hungry, so she ate the sandwich because otherwise, she was going to pass out. Then she saved the wrapper so she could pay for it, and just “forgot” to pay.

Here’s my take on this. Because it’s my BLOG, that’s why, shut UP already.

You don’t eat food or drink beverages in the grocery store before you pay for them. That is STEALING. Also? IT IS NOT A RESTAURANT. Would you put on clothes at Macy’s and wear them around before you checked out? Would you start making toast at Target before you bought the toaster oven? Would you start shooting paintballs before you purchased the paintball gun?

OK, fine, yes, most people would do all of these things. That doesn’t mean it’s right.

We’re a now-now-now me-me-me culture. I think that’s rude. YOU DIDN’T PAY YET. Pay. Then eat/use/consume. Also, what the hell with not washing things before eating or using them I don’t even know. I get that the sandwich wasn’t something you wash or it would get all spongy I’m not completely weird about cleanliness. But in that article, people are all talking about eating fruit right off the displays. GROSS GROSS GROSS. Wash it! Also, don’t wear clothes from a store without washing them first, have you SEEN who goes into the dressing rooms and their naughty bits are all squashing up inside your new clothes? Ugh.

Is it a bit much that Safeway had a woman and her husband arrested for a $5 sandwich? Yeah, a little, sure. They’ve admitted as much. They dropped the charges and apologized because the child was separated from her parents. But I think Safeway kind of is fed up. I mean, people walk into grocery stores like they own the place. They’re eating food they don’t own, they’re putting their hands in the bulk bins, they’re acting like gigantic douchecanoes, and I think Safeway kind of had had enough, right? Also, I think a lot of people “forget” to pay. I don’t know if Mamma Cass was not planning on paying, or totally really honestly forgot, but I think Safeway was like “hell no, not again, THIS IS SO EFFING ANNOYING WITH THE THIEVERY.” I would probably have done the same thing. Sorry.

Forgetting to pay? There’s another name for that. Can anyone tell me what the other name for forgetting to pay is? Oh! Yes! Ding ding ding, we have a winner! STEALING. Also, what if you got to the register, and you didn’t have any cash on you and were planning on paying with your credit card but the credit card machines were down that day which totally happened to me one time? You can’t wash dishes at the grocery store to pay for that sammy, Mamma Cass.

Also, if you’re pregnant, like Mamma Cass was, and you’re walking to the grocery store, can you maybe think ahead and pack a snack and a beverage? Like a string cheese and a bottle of water, or something, I don’t know. THE GROCERY STORE IS NOT YOUR RESTAURANT MAMMA CASS.

I don’t feel bad for these people. I think you plan ahead. I feel bad for the kid, scared and separated from her parents, and sorry to be a stickler, but PAY THEN EAT AT THE GROCERY STORE YOU ENTITLED JERKS.

Now back to your Monday! I hope it is filled with goodness and light and all things bright and beautiful. Or, barring that, I hope your copier isn’t broken, like ours is, for 3 hours and counting WHICH IS TOTALLY ANNOYING and the copier tech keeps SIGHING LIKE THE WIND and that is DISHEARTENING. He probably heard about the doughnut mishap. I know, copier guy. I know. IT IS THE SADDEST.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

2 responses to “Why should we be fated to do nothing but brood on food?

  • greengeekgirl

    Totally got where you were going re: Mamma Cass. bahahaha.

    Question: if her husband was there, uh, why didn’t he run to the front of the store and pay immediately? Then she wouldn’t have had to expend more precious calories but they wouldn’t have been stealing. Is he pregnant, too?

    I also think it depends on the store’s policies… clearly, Safeway is not a store that smiles upon you consuming unpaid-for goods. Albertson’s next to my MIL’s house generously offers you beverages that you can consume while shopping and pay for at the register. I have seen people walking around stores eating chips or digging into a box of crackers or cookies, and have been baffled–the most I’ve ever done is open a bottle to take a sip, like twice, ever, when I felt like I was going to die of thirst, then I put it right back into my cart and felt supremely guilty, like the grocery police were going to arrest me right there.

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    • lucysfootball

      I’m pretty sure they weren’t planning on paying for that sandwich. I mean, who’s to say? They SAY they were. But thieves lie. And there’s no way to tell what their intention was, you know? If she was a total starvin’ Marvin OMG HAVE TO EAT A SANDWICH, how’d the sandwich wrapper slip her mind like 45 minutes later at the checkout? I call shenanigans.

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