Listen, I have nada today. It has been the LAZIEST DAY ON RECORD. Oh, I’m not saying I didn’t DO anything. No! Not at all. Here is a list of things I did today. Bulleted! A bulleted list! Seriously, if I got any fancier with the design aspect you would probably just DIE.
- Woke up, realized I hadn’t set back the clocks, and it was actually 8am, which was awesome and I’d had a full eight hours of sleep
- Read the entire newspaper* (*let’s be frank, that means the sections that appeal, and threw away the garbage, no one likes the sports section, and by no one, I of course mean me)
- Read a play a friend wrote, first, trepidaciously, because sometimes that goes very, very, wrong (once, a friend asked me to read something he’d written and wanted feedback and listen, I totally wanted to bone him, and it was AWFUL, but I REALLY wanted to bone him, so WHAT DO YOU DO. Do you lie, hoping that will be the straw that makes the camel have dirty, dirty sex with you? Are you honest because you can’t look yourself in the mirror if you’re not? Do you pretend you moved to another state and never return his calls and hope you don’t see him at the grocery store? WHAT DO YOU DOOOOO) but listen! IT WAS FANTASTIC. So apparently I’ve had a friend who’s like the next Terrence McNally and didn’t even know. How exciting is that? And even better, I got to write him an email gushing over how amazing it was and MEAN EVERY WORD OF IT. I mean, sincerely, you guys. That’s a check in the win column, right there.
- Watched this week’s The Office, Revenge, and Grimm, all of which I missed due to either being out, general malaise with life, watching other programs, or a combination of the above. Also, and spoiler alert beep beep beeeeep for Revenge watchers, but again with the super-dark scenes, but did we find out my adorable Revenge boyfriend Nolan is bi this week and hooking up with that waste of space con-man character? REVENGE! I AM DISAPPOINT. Nolan can do better. Also, Grimm was even better this week. Loving Grimm. Very dark and eerie. Stamp of approval.
- Started setup on my newest venture, which isn’t off the ground yet, but will be soon. I’ll talk more about it when it’s up and running, but any day now, you’re going to start seeing me shamelessly self-promoting something three of the coolest chicks on the world wide interwebs and I have concocted. It is AWESOME, you guys. AWESOME. Oh, ok, FINE. Here’s a teaser. More to come when it’s baked to ooey-gooey perfection.
- Dealt with a very unsavory task I’ve been putting off for almost 24 hours in probably not the best way, but in the only way I could and still get to sleep at night. Sorry. That was a very Facebook-status-worthy bullet, right? Like those people that put up “Some people! I just want to CRY!” As their status and wait for the “Aw, honey, I’m so sorry, anything I can dooooo” in response. Stop it, you passive-aggressive twit. I know. Sorry. Just in case I’m totally the most popular girl in the wooorrllldd, that’s all I can say. Unsavory. Annoyance. Furious. Flames. On the side of my face. Heaving. Heaving breasts.
Things I have NOT done today: clean the bathroom (listen, I always put that shit off, because it is the ick) and anything mega-productive. So first, we blog. Then we daaaaaaance. Oh, wait, no, no we don’t. We don’t dance. We don’t do that, not at all.
The week ahead: auditions! Seeing a play! House managing for another play! Totally filled with excitement!
But listen, so this isn’t a total washout and you’re all, UGH, I do not CARE what the hell was done chez Lucy’s Football today, where’s the super-intelligent CONTENT, well, first I say to you, are you sure you’re reading the right blog? Because I don’t know about super-intelligent content. But, more on topic, let’s talk about something near and dear to my heart, hmm?
No, no, not REAL cheaters. Although there were! There totally were lots! But the SHOW Cheaters. I was thinking about this the other day, because I’ve been watching this season of The Amazing Race, and it’s just about the most boring thing you can ever imagine in the history of the world this season. And I don’t know if it’s just run its course, or I don’t have the attention span, or what the hell, but I don’t care about it. And I was thinking, what could make this better? What could liven this up? And I thought, hey, I KNOW. If Phil was stabbed like the Cheaters host, that would make this SO EXCITING. (Sorry, Phil. Love you, Phil.)
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
What, the classy among you ask, is Cheaters? (The non-classy among you, and we know you by the Cheetos stains on your fingertips, are nodding and smiling, because YOU KNOW. You know ALL ABOUT CHEATERS.)
Cheaters is a show that’s been on since 2000. The setup is thus: a “client” comes on for an interview. The client is usually…um…not from the higher echelon of society. Like, there are a lot of weaves, and sparkles, and tops that look flammable and aren’t leaving much to the imagination, and what look like homemade prison tattoos, and clothes with inexplicable stains on them. And the “client” tells a story like “My boyfriend! He don’t come home at night no more! He always be lying about where he be! And I found lipstick on his penis! Help me Cheaters! Do you think he be cheating?” OK, this isn’t really what’s said but it’s kind of what’s said if you look deeper into what’s said.
Then the host and some of his cameramen skulk in the bushes around the Ruby Tuesday’s and videotape the cheater cheating, and then when he brings his new skankho home, and they’re having all the sex, the host busts into the room and is all YOU ARE SO BUSTED HERE IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND. And the girlfriend comes in and there are a lot of things thrown like cellphones and shoes and the skankho and the girlfriend pull each other’s wigs off and the host stands to one side grinning like a moronic Cheshire Cat. It is SO AWESOME AND TRASHY.
When I first moved to town, my roommate and I used to make sure that, no matter where we were or what we were doing, we’d be home by 1am on Sunday morning so we could watch Cheaters. It was our weekend ritual. Because it made us laugh like nothing else in the world. You’d go out, do some drinking or whatever, then come home and watch the host pop out of a dumpster or from under a car all BUSTED YOU DIRTY CHEATER and your life seemed ok for a while.
Usually, things go like this (caution, lots of barely-bleeped cussing):
The first host was Tommy Grand. He looked like a down-on-his luck gangsta:
He was replaced a couple of years into it. I don’t know why. I assume it’s because his real name was Tommy Habeeb and it was post-9/11.
The current host (I honestly had no idea this was still on, I haven’t seen it in years, but need to track it down and watch it again) is Joey Greco. He’s totally a sleazeball who is trying to be serious but is failing. Here’s a photo:
In this photo, he is, I assume, popping in on a CHEATER. BAM.
In 2003, there was an episode where Joey Greco confronted a cheater on a boat. And…well, ok, just watch. (Caution – there’s cussing. Some bleeped, some not. And a LOT of bad acting. And a boat.) Because this is what more reality shows need to liven up their programming so I don’t zone out and start throwing things at the cats to make them entertain me.
The best things about this video:
- The skankho kind of looks like a receptionist, and she just stands there, kind of confused
- Joey Greco’s pained face of pain as he’s taken away and his life blood was ebbing…ebbing…
- The girlfriend shouting “you’re not coming HOME now! You’re not coming HOME now!”
- How’d that guy get a boat? I can’t afford a boat.
- Someone fell off the boat into the water. HA. That’s never not going to be funny.
- “He’s bleeding. HE’S BLEEEEEEDING!”
I know you’re worried. JOEY GRECO PULLED THROUGH. Nothing to see here. He’s OK, people.
Now, listen. Apparently, there are a lot of allegations this was staged and never happened at all. And that a lot of the episodes were staged. And that makes me sad. If we can’t believe Cheaters, WHO CAN WE TRUST, AMERICA. I mean, COME ON. If this isn’t true THE TERRORISTS WIN.
So, if you’re ever not able to sleep and you can’t find an old episode of To Catch a Predator and your DVR is empty? Look for Cheaters. It is AWESOME and FULL OF SKANKINESS. Highly recommended when you’re in the mood for feeling superior to others.